Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at Joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

393 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Is this a common perspective amongst the church? It is how I have felt for years but for 24+ years of our 27 year marriage my wife has made it clear that my strong sex drive is abnormal and I am the one with a problem. I really try honor her in that but I seem to be in a regular battle in this area that obviously affects my spiritual walk with the Lord and with my wife. I was encouraged by much of the content because it made me feel like I am not the “monster” but I do want to be compassionate with my wife and her perspective. Please pray for me as I have fallen into the sin of infidelity through this battle for purity and lack consistent intimacy. Thank you, “Desiring a closer pure relationship with my wife.”

    1. The amount of sex drive is usually a person’s opinion. I know a couple in their 70’s that do it 3 times a week, 3 times PER WEEK.

  2. I have been married for 50 years, we have had 4 pregnancies, lost our first child during child birth, and believe it or not I don’t know what my wife looks like on an intimate basis and she has never let me put a finger in her during fore play. We have sex about once every six months. My feeling is that most women want to have a child or more but only want a man to provide the spam to fertilize her egg. What does the Catholic church teach about this issue?

    1. Fingers don’t feel good to any woman unless touching the right spots. But some women don’t like it because we have our own minds. You need to talk to your wife about what feels good to her, period. Clitoral stimulation is universally equal to penis head stimulation in that has the most nerve endings. If you aren’t meeting her needs of affection and attention and mental monogamy then she also will have no desire or inclination to pay attention to the thing that controls you.

      1. I’ve read quite a few articles on the subject, and so far this is the only one that considers a man’s perspective with any degree of validity. The literature is a pretty consistent message of, “Do these simple 507,000 things for your wife for only 14 hours a day for the next six months, with no expectations of anything in return, and we GUARANTEE she’ll come around!” But not your article. No, here, you spell out in detail the “care and feeding” of a husband because that’s what a husband needs, and I’m grateful to you for it.

  3. You are exactly what women don’t need. You are saying I’d better take care of him sexually or I’m creating a monster? How dare you!!!! Whoever wrote this article is sick in the head. It’s my body and if I don’t want want sex it’s my decision not a man’s; you’re really screwed up.

    1. When you are in love, giving should not be considered as work, making each other happy should bring a joy. But If you really feel your body belongs to you (in that context) then his paycheck belongs to him, he does not owe you anything because he earned it using his body.

      If you are a woman who makes more than him then more power to you, you have every right to say what you have said. However the reality is many women are way more entitled to man’s body legally, because typically in a divorce, even with equal child custody, the higher income (usually men) pay child support and alimony payment penalties (half of their salaries) for decades due to the failed marriages.

  4. I’m a little confused by this article. It is basically saying that men can’t live without sex but before marriage aren’t they supposed to abstinent? So before marriage they can go without sex and then suddenly after marriage, it becomes a necessity that must be taken care of every few days? I’m not saying that wives should constantly deprive their husbands of sex but if husbands are supposed to love their wives like they love themselves, why can’t they compromise as well?

    For example if a wife is too tired to have sex because she has a full-time job and still has the responsibility for doing most of the domestic chores maybe a good idea might be for him to help out more so that she’s less tired and then they can get frisky? Or if he wants it every three days and she wants it every two weeks maybe they compromise to once a week?

    1. What you say is correct, but we guys are visual, contact beings. We like contact with our wives. It gives us confidence. My wife can take a few minutes for sex afterwards I am a working fool! The few minutes of sex equals to hours of work from me. Nothing to lose.

  5. Talking about hitting the nail on the head! I’m a guy and I must say the way you describe this issue (using some well thought of comparisions) makes it very recognisable. Full of good advice for women who find themselves in the same situation you found yourself in your situation. Good comparisons! The chocolate comparison is a very good one. The one about the snack and the banquet also. Nice.

  6. My wife and I have been married over 40 years. We are always working together on our intimacy, but have gone through very long bouts (years) without intercourse because of health issues. We still remain very affectionate and loving, and of course there are wonderful ways to share intimacy which are alternatives to intercourse. In marriage, be free to go and explore the land! I do think that men have the ability to be self controlled if they are in an intimate relationship with God first.

    However, God’s Word does say that in marriage we should not withhold ourselves from the other except for prayer and fasting. Personally, I would never pressure or demand my wife for a need when I know she is physically not up to it. It is at those times when just holding each other is a great reward. When a partner expresses a need for intimacy physically, it is good to work out how that need can be met.

    Marriage is God’s way for expressing physical intimacy and meeting our need for that kind of personal love and care. As someone has said He will hold us accountable for every good gift He presented to us of which we did not take full advantage. Working through the obstacles takes two mature people who love each other. It is work and at times sacrifice, but it is worth it. God bless you all.

  7. I like that someone put this into this prospective. I don’t believe it’s true for all men. I happen to have a high sex drive. My husband and I got together when he was 17 and I was 18 and I always thought that his sex drive would improve. I tried everything, first porn, then strip clubs. I had to drag him into the strip clubs. I was adventurous and asked him what he wanted. I did anything he wanted. I have done everything. Yes, I even included an other girl.

    Nothing improves his sex drive, still twice a month if I’m lucky. The only time he jumps me is if another man looks at me or tries to talk to me. He usually gets all jealous and jumps me like he’s got something to prove. I guess that’s marriage; it’s a compromise. I guess I’m the monster. I want chocolate and sex. It seems to be our only lasting argument.

    I truly don’t believe that it is only men with a high sex drives. If I could I would have some form of sex daily or more. I think about sex constantly. My cousin who is a woman is the same way. We joke about it to each other, because we are both married women and we both think about sex constantly and we both have higher sex drive than our husbands. It’s not easy to be married to someone with a lower sex drive. No I’ve never cheated, but I fantasize a lot. I believe the description in this article is correct but it’s not fair to say it’s only men. There are some of us women who feel the same way.

    1. “Chocolate and sex” sorry, I had to laugh! Love it! Try not showing him any sensual attention or bring up sex at all. Be loving but not sensual. Even for a month or 2. See if he starts noticing you. After the month, Accidentally let him see private parts while in living room or kitchen. Sleep nude.

  8. Why do women find it their place to speak for other women. I find it frustrating as a woman when women speak from a subjective standpoint about sexuality. I’m a single woman who is very irritable about not having sex for years.

    In the Christian community there is no help for women struggling with strong sexual needs. Women are viewed as sexless.

  9. Wow, that’s lovely this woman was able to find a balance that works for both. I’m 35, fit, no history of abuse, nor religious upbringing that made me feel dirty. I enjoyed sex very much up until my son was born. I felt tired and touched out. I 100% didn’t want to get pregnant again, so I went back on depo shot which killed my sex drive so I went off it and 2 years later same. I never think about sex, but feel once a week is dutiful. I love my hubby and want him happy, but at what expense?

    I’ve done all the books and magazine strip teases and foreplay( which even after showing him how/where after an hour of this I’m raw) my body just doesn’t respond. sex is painful because I can’t self-lubricate-even with KY which caused irritation and infection. I switched to organic coconut oil. I only get feminine issues after sex. If he finishes in me 1/2 the time it upsets the PH, smells rancid, drips out. So I ask him to pull out. He doesn’t like that at all. I try to not let on how painful It is, try to appear like I’m not miserable make appropriate sounds etc. after I hobble to bathroom wash up and go outside smoke and sob.

    I become very depressed for days after sex, even longer at times. I’ve told him many times before, but get accused of lying, not loving him, or not caring enough about his needs which causes anger & arguments. I try my best not to rock the boat now. I pray and exercise to keep my outlook positive. We’ve done the whole being close no sex, but he gets aroused and gets angry or pouty if he can’t have it. The physical pain and emotional pain of being coaxed into doing something I don’t want to do in order to make someone else happy has caused a negative association.

    Normally I’m happy and positive but it’s starting to effect other areas of my life. Either way one of us is upset or hurt. I’m beginning to feel hopeless that life is just unfair and I’ll have to endure this till I die. Maybe divorce is best. At least he could be free to fulfill his needs and I can be without this burden and stress and my child won’t have to see results of these interactions between us.

    1. The main side effects are to Depo-Provera
      •mental/mood changes (such as new or worsening depression),
      •changes in sexual interest or ability,
      Amanda, you need to try another form of birth control. Something non-hormonal. You may be getting perimenopausal, it can start in your 30’s. but you still are young. Go to OBGYN, explain all this to them, including depression, could be some underlying issue, infection or STD. About husband, I cant say much; guys are touch & sight beings. When me and my wife are ‘together’ my thoughts and eyes stay home.

    2. He is selfish; he is putting himself before you, which is biblically incorrect. What if you had a daughter with the same issue? Would you tell her to put up and shut up? NO WAY! You’d tell her to get professional medical help; she/you might have endometriosis.

  10. My husband feels frustrated when we don’t have sex. We have sex more than 4 times a week and there are days I just don’t want to, not because I am not attracted or with holding, just want a break from it. He gets frustrated when I have my period because that typically means 2 or 3 days without intimacy. I am not into doing other sexual things at this time, as I just feel like crap and want to just curl up and go to bed. I don’t think this is fair (even on non period days). He says I don’t give him enough attention and at times feels alone. Anyone else have this problem?

    1. 4 times a week that is pretty good if you are in your 40’s. If you are in your 20’s that is pretty normal. Wife knows a couple who does it 3 times a week & they are in their 70’s. Hard to base an amount as excessive. Men can be co dependent on their women for sex. Which is not exactly a bad thing. It helps keep his eyes & heart at home. He should not get upset when you cant or when you don’t want to. It is a balance,

  11. What’s a husband to do when his wife puts on 65 or more pounds…and, visually-speaking, truly “turns him off”? She, for her part, refuses to lose the obesity. I figure that she has a psychological problem, going back to childhood. But she has never sought and received professional help…and thinks that I should accept her obesity. That will never happen.

    1. Sorry about the 65 pounds. Lets say she weighed 150 lbs when you met, add 65 lbs, 215 lbs now? My wife weighed 122lbs when we met, now she weighs 176 that is 56 pounds. Honestly she looks better with the additional 56 pounds. I do like some curves on her. I am Greek.

      Sounds like you are being hard on her concerning this. Dude, look, sure its not healthy, but she is not 450 lbs. I would rather have a wife with some extra pounds than no wife at all. If you divorce her, the skinny wife you find may constantly cheat on you, her kids steal your money. Love that curvy woman, she may lose weight just from knowing you love & care for her unconditionally.

  12. Very good article, but I am sure my wife of 53 years would disagree with you. She stopped having sex with me about when we were both about thirty five years old. A few times wanted to use her hand which is a insult to me. I have resentment because it seems she stopped loving me. I can understand now that we are old but I reason that she was gay or having sex outside our marriage. She gets mad every time I bring the subject up. I know she’s been lying ever since we were in our thirties. She has robbed me of my sex life and the intimacy of love. I hate her for doing that to me!