Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.


Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Sexual Needs

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at You may also want to visit their blog at

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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322 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Ok but what if you are 8.5 months pregnant, your husband is on testosterone injections because he is unhappy with his body and demands sex daily, and days his ideal is twice a day, is “filling up” hours after you have given him release, keeping you up in the night and all you are physically and mentally able to provide apart from being pregnant and looking after 4 other children is about 3 times a week?

    Surely 3 times a week in the above state is enough even when you are explicitly explaining to your husband you are in physical pain. And he has sat on his backside and actually watched you on your feet all day. You are even willing to give oral sex because actual sex is uncomfortable and he has masturbated earlier in the day so he can’t finish with you but keeps needing marathon sex sessions because he is constantly “horny.”

    Surely in this situation when a wife is willing to provide release 3 times a week and it is still not enough the husband needs to take some responsibility for his appetites.

  2. Name is John Doe: My wife would always text me she love’s me, I text her back that I believe she loves me but only in text, because there’s no physical intimacy. There would be at times two month’s without intimacy I finally text her and had verbally told her we should address this most important concern.

    Within two days after my text I went to a bar about 6 minutes from my residence; it was my third time in that bar in about 8 years. I consumed alcohol and I know my drink was toyed with. I went home afterwards and I wanted intimacy with my wife and was denied. I started shouting at her that she only used me and that she was nothing but a total fraud and that if her aunt would bend over I would do it to her and thats what led to the incident, on 8-22-1917.

    She is accusing me of hitting her, for the life of me I know I never hit her, but there physical evidence that she had. We go to court on 1-22-2018. I will stand by my ground that I never hit her and she moved that night on her brand new VW Jetta. After she move I went to her room and found out that she was having and has medical issues with her private parts. If she was open to me and informed me about her medical concerns I would be very compassionate with her and be her supporter to help her. I would have no problem satisfying myself if she had informed me. You must be open to one to the other.

  3. I am 39 and my wife is 36. When we first met the sex was very good as is for most people I’ll assume. We broke up after 4-5 months of dating but got back together a few months after. Before the breakup I was able to give her an orgasm, after the breakup I could never make her orgasm again. She said she really didn’t feel secure in our relationship and that maybe if we got married she might be able to orgasm with me again. She is military and was going to move in a few years so I decided we marry. We got married and while the sex was always enjoyable for me she still never orgasmed.

    Long story short, after just 2 years of marriage she had a one-time affair with a co-worker. She confessed this to me after her trip with this co-worker. It was only one time and we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. I asked if she had an orgasm with the other guy and she said she did. It’s been two years since the affair and I still haven’t made her orgasm, and we have tried many things. She now says she really doesn’t want to have sex with anybody, even me, though she will provide sex to me because she knows its her obligation as a wife.

    Honestly, I don’t want ANYBODY to have sex with me if they don’t want to have sex. I want it to be a two way street! I want her to want it as much as I do, or at the very least want it at all. So as of this week I told her I would no longer want to have sex if she didn’t. She disagrees with this, she still wants to provide sex to me. I just can’t have sex knowing she really doesn’t. Our marriage may be in trouble, who knows? Any thoughts on the situation are welcomed.

    1. A difference between men and women when it comes to sex is that a woman can still enjoy sex with a partner she loves or cares about — the intimacy of it, the emotional closeness, the pleasure it brings to the partner — even if the woman doesn’t have an orgasm herself. I don’t think any woman has an orgasm every time – some may have them often, others sometimes, and still others occasionally. But if they’re still sleeping with the man, of their own free will, they’re still getting something out of it.

      It’s nice how you want her to enjoy being with you and have orgasms, and aren’t just after your own pleasure. I would suggest that you guys not focus so much on whether or not she’s having an orgasm. If you’re having sex, just go with it and have fun, no expectations, no conditions. Instead, focus on fixing other aspects of your relationship, like rebuilding trust and friendship. For women, so much of sex is psychological, so once her psychological and relationship needs are met, the orgasm issue will likely take care of itself. Hope this helps. Good luck!

  4. I am a 62 year old woman married to 59 year old man. We’ve been married for 8 years and for the first 3 years everything seemed to be ok; but he would drink a lot and we would start to argue more and more. He was able to stop drinking and then he had to go to class for his smart recovery meetings on line.

    Anyway, now his sex drive is more then I can handle and he wants me to be in the mood 24/7 days and I cant do it. I need help!! I have thought about finding him a sister wife for him. Do you think I am crazy???

    1. If he was drinking when you first married, it probably seemed from your perspective that he has now changed into a man you didn’t know when he stopped drinking. The increased sex drive would be part of the change, and you weren’t expecting it. From his perspective, he probably thought you would be happy that he is recovering and finding sobriety, but now, instead of arguing over his drinking, you’re both arguing over his sex drive.

      He’s confused and you’re upset. Some spouses of alcoholics find a new kind of stress when their partner finds sobriety, because the now-sober partner seems to have become a different person, a stranger. The increased sex drive may be a problem for you because he wasn’t like that when you married. Perhaps counseling on how to cope with this change of personality would help.

  5. Husband is a monster. We haven’t had sex, any intimacy; haven’t talked to me in 35 years. His interest is himself.

    1. You sound like a selfish woman. I’m sure you can imagine the word I’d like to use. If you are married…I feel bad for your husband.

  6. The article says it best – men need a release. (Women do too; well my wife does). Ladies, one sure fire way to keep a man’s eyes and heart at home is to satisfy him. Usually when a man has a high sex drive, it does not take him long to ‘finish’. So a few minutes of ‘work’ on your part and his ego is up, he is productive, accomplishes tasks, and his eyes and heart are toward you. I say this from experience.