Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Sexual Needs

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at Joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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344 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Ok but what if you are 8.5 months pregnant, your husband is on testosterone injections because he is unhappy with his body and demands sex daily, and days his ideal is twice a day, is “filling up” hours after you have given him release, keeping you up in the night and all you are physically and mentally able to provide apart from being pregnant and looking after 4 other children is about 3 times a week?

    Surely 3 times a week in the above state is enough even when you are explicitly explaining to your husband you are in physical pain. And he has sat on his backside and actually watched you on your feet all day. You are even willing to give oral sex because actual sex is uncomfortable and he has masturbated earlier in the day so he can’t finish with you but keeps needing marathon sex sessions because he is constantly “horny.”

    Surely in this situation when a wife is willing to provide release 3 times a week and it is still not enough the husband needs to take some responsibility for his appetites.

  2. Name is John Doe: My wife would always text me she love’s me, I text her back that I believe she loves me but only in text, because there’s no physical intimacy. There would be at times two month’s without intimacy I finally text her and had verbally told her we should address this most important concern.

    Within two days after my text I went to a bar about 6 minutes from my residence; it was my third time in that bar in about 8 years. I consumed alcohol and I know my drink was toyed with. I went home afterwards and I wanted intimacy with my wife and was denied. I started shouting at her that she only used me and that she was nothing but a total fraud and that if her aunt would bend over I would do it to her and thats what led to the incident, on 8-22-1917.

    She is accusing me of hitting her, for the life of me I know I never hit her, but there physical evidence that she had. We go to court on 1-22-2018. I will stand by my ground that I never hit her and she moved that night on her brand new VW Jetta. After she move I went to her room and found out that she was having and has medical issues with her private parts. If she was open to me and informed me about her medical concerns I would be very compassionate with her and be her supporter to help her. I would have no problem satisfying myself if she had informed me. You must be open to one to the other.

  3. I am 39 and my wife is 36. When we first met the sex was very good as is for most people I’ll assume. We broke up after 4-5 months of dating but got back together a few months after. Before the breakup I was able to give her an orgasm, after the breakup I could never make her orgasm again. She said she really didn’t feel secure in our relationship and that maybe if we got married she might be able to orgasm with me again. She is military and was going to move in a few years so I decided we marry. We got married and while the sex was always enjoyable for me she still never orgasmed.

    Long story short, after just 2 years of marriage she had a one-time affair with a co-worker. She confessed this to me after her trip with this co-worker. It was only one time and we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. I asked if she had an orgasm with the other guy and she said she did. It’s been two years since the affair and I still haven’t made her orgasm, and we have tried many things. She now says she really doesn’t want to have sex with anybody, even me, though she will provide sex to me because she knows its her obligation as a wife.

    Honestly, I don’t want ANYBODY to have sex with me if they don’t want to have sex. I want it to be a two way street! I want her to want it as much as I do, or at the very least want it at all. So as of this week I told her I would no longer want to have sex if she didn’t. She disagrees with this, she still wants to provide sex to me. I just can’t have sex knowing she really doesn’t. Our marriage may be in trouble, who knows? Any thoughts on the situation are welcomed.

    1. A difference between men and women when it comes to sex is that a woman can still enjoy sex with a partner she loves or cares about — the intimacy of it, the emotional closeness, the pleasure it brings to the partner — even if the woman doesn’t have an orgasm herself. I don’t think any woman has an orgasm every time – some may have them often, others sometimes, and still others occasionally. But if they’re still sleeping with the man, of their own free will, they’re still getting something out of it.

      It’s nice how you want her to enjoy being with you and have orgasms, and aren’t just after your own pleasure. I would suggest that you guys not focus so much on whether or not she’s having an orgasm. If you’re having sex, just go with it and have fun, no expectations, no conditions. Instead, focus on fixing other aspects of your relationship, like rebuilding trust and friendship. For women, so much of sex is psychological, so once her psychological and relationship needs are met, the orgasm issue will likely take care of itself. Hope this helps. Good luck!

  4. I am a 62 year old woman married to 59 year old man. We’ve been married for 8 years and for the first 3 years everything seemed to be ok; but he would drink a lot and we would start to argue more and more. He was able to stop drinking and then he had to go to class for his smart recovery meetings on line.

    Anyway, now his sex drive is more then I can handle and he wants me to be in the mood 24/7 days and I cant do it. I need help!! I have thought about finding him a sister wife for him. Do you think I am crazy???

    1. If he was drinking when you first married, it probably seemed from your perspective that he has now changed into a man you didn’t know when he stopped drinking. The increased sex drive would be part of the change, and you weren’t expecting it. From his perspective, he probably thought you would be happy that he is recovering and finding sobriety, but now, instead of arguing over his drinking, you’re both arguing over his sex drive.

      He’s confused and you’re upset. Some spouses of alcoholics find a new kind of stress when their partner finds sobriety, because the now-sober partner seems to have become a different person, a stranger. The increased sex drive may be a problem for you because he wasn’t like that when you married. Perhaps counseling on how to cope with this change of personality would help.

  5. Husband is a monster. We haven’t had sex, any intimacy; haven’t talked to me in 35 years. His interest is himself.

    1. You sound like a selfish woman. I’m sure you can imagine the word I’d like to use. If you are married…I feel bad for your husband.

    2. Agree with you. My man turns into a monster all the time even when we have contact whenever he wants.

  6. The article says it best – men need a release. (Women do too; well my wife does). Ladies, one sure fire way to keep a man’s eyes and heart at home is to satisfy him. Usually when a man has a high sex drive, it does not take him long to ‘finish’. So a few minutes of ‘work’ on your part and his ego is up, he is productive, accomplishes tasks, and his eyes and heart are toward you. I say this from experience.

    1. Not true at all. My man wants it anywhere, anytime and he gets it. But it takes forever. And if I don’t do it he gets so mad he takes it out on me and the family.

      1. Sorry Samantha, not ALL guys are bad or monsters. I am sorry for the anger he shows. I still believe in my earlier quote. A lot of other guys would too. Not all. Some wives would agree also. Sorry that you see it different.

  7. My wife and I have been married for 40 years. Not just married, but happily married! She has had a prolonged bout of various medical issues which make anything sexual off the table. We stay close by sharing in what we both love, and we are physical in the sense we hold hands, hug at every opportunity, and kiss…a lot. During this extended time without sex, we have had to work on the other relational aspects of our marriage, and it has only increased our love for one another. We have been through unemployment, cancer, the loss of our 15 year old daughter and so much more…but we love each other and we have made a choice to stay in love and work on it until death do us part. It is very rich and while both of us would love intimacy at that level, we rejoice in what we do have and wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world.

    1. Dan and Joy, What you shared brought shouts of praise from Cindy and me. Thank you for taking the time to share your testimony. You guys are such a witness to hurting couples who feel there is no hope – no future together because of the deep pain they’ve experienced. All we can say is that you are proof that God is still on the Throne and He is still working in the midst of tragedies and disappointments. Thanks again for sharing this with the readers to Marriage Missions. ~Steve and Cindy Wright

  8. Why should a wife be a sexual slave to her husband? Expeciaoly when they don’t give anything back. I’m in pain 24/7 and he won’t even touch me unless it’s sexual. I freaking hate it. He doesn’t help with anything at all – not the kids, not the house or yard only when it’s about three feet tall. He not only gets angry at me but the kids as well. If I could divorce him I would

  9. One of the best articles I read on this issue, perfectly on point with the chocolate analogy with one omission. If the wife withholds the chocolate, the husband can not go elsewhere to get it exponentially multiplying the resentment and hatred towards her. NEVER MARRY is the solution. The only reason women feel entitled to stop good sex is marriage. Find me one article replacing wife with fiancée, that entitlement would never happen because she would be gone that minute. Signed, 50 and hating my sex starved marriage, and stuck till the kids are gone.

  10. I’m troubled. My husband and I have been through so much….his addictions and my chronic illness/pain. He is so angry because I don’t satisfy him enough. I’ve had 7 abdominal surgeries. I don’t have all my guts and I am in surgical menopause. I love my husband. He is sexy and takes care of me. We are both far from perfect. I don’t know what to do. I’m successful and have a full time job. I now feel obligated and not the good, willing kind of obligated. He yelled at me. A verbal bomb. I feel less than. He wants me to want him like he wants me. I’M NOT A MAN! OBVIOUSLY I’M NOT A MINDREADER! AND I’M NOT A LIGHT SWITCH! Please help our Christian marriage.

  11. This is so true, as a man having been married to “Bambi” for a long time, I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d tried for too long and by the time she “got it”, it was too late; “my body” didn’t want it from her anymore, there was nothing to fix. There is a fundamental rule of thumb; men and women are, biologically wired differently. Men don’t “associate sex with love”, that would be a conscious choice; to us sex IS how we feel loved and a fundamental part of our being. We’re also wired to “visual cues” (notice how the author picked up on that?) in a way that women generally aren’t; that’s why there are makeup and lingerie industries. It’s not about “objectification”, in a healthy marriage, it should be respectful, and enriching.

    It’s not “vulgar, or shallow” as one woman told me. It’s just as women usually have their different needs to be met to feel the same result. Here is another example of the otherway around; Having a baby; most women will get biological hard wired “need”, I can’t relate to that hardwiring, but I’ve looked into the eyes of a women that couldn’t have kids, and gave her a hug as she cried – just bumped into someone on a bus. Kids are nice, fun, but I could have lived without them – I’m not “cold or callous”, I’m a man and we in general aren’t wired with that same need, so biologically I can’t understand that pain, that doesn’t mean my wife is “selfish, or soft” or anything else.

    In fact yes; Ladies, we have the wiring for sex, in the way that you guys have the need for children – imagine having a husband say “it’s not a big deal” or similar for year after year – it’d hurt like heck wouldn’t it?

    Please listen to me; Study, after study, in the fields of Psychology, Neurology and Physiology join the dots on what I’m saying as do countless broken marriages.

    I can’t speak for sex starved wives, because I don’t know how it feels for you, although we both have a unique pain in common, and no one deserves it. I’m just trying to help Ladies understand our side of the fence, and in no way ever condoning sex should be without consent or anything like that, please, just talk it out as two adults, guys, maybe you didn’t realise it needed to be conveyed like this, show this article and my comment – and for goodness sake, unless it is abusive or insoluble, both of you please keep those conversations within the covenant of marriage.

    Blessings all.

  12. Why is it always the woman’s responsibility to address issues in a marriage?! My husband isn’t happy with our sex life but instead of talking about it, he makes snide little comments all the time which only serve to build resentment in me and achieve the opposite of what he wants. We have a young child, and I have depression and another medical condition making me exhausted all the time but we still mange once every couple of weeks which doesn’t seem unreasonable to me. I know men are wired to need sex more often than women but he doesn’t seem to care about understanding my needs so the fact that I’m always cast as the bad guy is starting to grate.

    1. Hyzenthlay, this is a tough one, guys get a bad rap when they have a high sex drive. Then when a woman has a high sex drive and guys don’t perform, they guy gets a bad rap. Unreasonable is a tough word, I think cutting the grass once/month is OK, but it will be 1 or 2 feet tall. I have mentioned to others, when a woman has sex when a guy wants it, he keeps his eyes and heart at home. A few minutes of ‘work’ on your side results in a man being happy for days. Your needs? are you physically able to get groceries? housework? My wife says it best, ‘people do what they want to, and don’t do what they don’t want to do.’

      1. Hi Bob, my needs are time away from housework and childcare. I get little time for self care, and you can’t pour from an empty cup. In the past I gave my husband what he wanted when I didn’t and he agreed it was unsatisfying and it made me more resentful so I vowed I’d never do it again. I need him to understand that I can’t go from frazzled to horny just because he wants it. I have explained this but he still keeps making those comments. He clammed up completely recently then unleashed a torrent of accusations that I wasn’t interested in him, despite him showing no interest whatsoever in me. I literally have nothing to give right now but still he expects it.

        1. Ok cool, I understand time away from housework and childcare. I guess you have a job outside the home and a large house to keep up also, plus a baby/diapers/bottles. Hope all works out for you, cheers.

          1. Bob, let me try to explain this, though I’m not sure you’ll understand but I’d like to try. The Snickers analogy misinterprets a crucial point. The man in the story was withholding the chocolate for no apparent reason. In the whole, women don’t withhold sex just for fun. Women are often unwilling or more often, unable to satisfy their husband’s sexual needs. I will not disrespect myself to do what my husband needs when it is not a two way street, as it would leave me feeling cheap, used and empty. My husband has always said that he wouldn’t want me to feel pressured to do something I don’t want to and that it will only satisfy him if it satisfies me too.

  13. A snickers bar is a piece of candy. It is not a penis entering into you when you don’t really want it there. They are not the same thing.

    1. Samantha, I think you missed the point. Ever want a cold coke?, ever want tacos?, ever want a glass of wine? and the only way to get them is for your husband to drive you to the store and he is on the roof with an all-day job of cleaning the gutters or just started watching 4 hours of the superbowl then 2 hours of post game and will not take you?

    2. Samantha, I’m not thinking you get the point of what is being said in this article. The author is not literally comparing a Snickers Bar to a penis… it’s a metaphor. She’s talking about cravings. Just because you don’t have biochemical cravings for something, it doesn’t mean that your spouse doesn’t. I’ve done a LOT, LOT, LOT of studying about this matter and a husband wanting his wife sexually is a very real need. It is his way of feeling connected emotionally to his wife. (Yes, I know that some men go off and satisfy their needs in illegitimate ways, instead of the way that God intended it to be… as husband and wife. We can always find cases where people will go off and do things in ways contrary to how God wants them to do it. But that doesn’t make it God-sanctioned.)

      I didn’t understand this earlier in our marriage—I just thought that he should “control himself” and focus on other ways of loving each other as I was doing after I lost interest. But I was wrong. The more I looked into all of this, the more I realized that we are designed very different from each other by God. And different isn’t wrong—it’s just different. I feel a need for my husband to show me love in other ways (sometimes in sexual ways), and he needs for me to show him love by making love to him sexually (along with other ways)… and that’s good. We give and take and learn to be there for each other in the ways we need it. It’s all about oneness.

      I want to explain more and I know that I’m not going to word this right. Please forgive me for this… but I’ll do the best I can. I just don’t feel like I should let your comment lay there without my saying something more on this issue. Please know that most men are wired physically (testosterone and such) to crave sexual connection with his wife. It’s a very real biological need. It’s like he has hunger pains that keep nagging at him. You can’t deny the science behind hunger pains. Your body feels it needs to be fed to cause the craving to go away. You can try to wish them away and want them to go away, but if you’re hungry… you’re hungry. Your body and your brain keeps keep nagging and nagging at you, consuming your thoughts no matter how much you try to busy yourself otherwise and not think about them. It’s kind of like that for the sexual hunger pains a man feels for this type of connection with his wife. He is wired that way.

      But it goes beyond the physical part of it all; it also is an emotional need. This is how he achieves intimacy and close emotional connection with his wife. It’s like the world is not right between them without this type of connection. I came across the following simplistic explanation (for a very complex problem) that seems to word it better than I can. I can go into all kinds of scientific research, but this explains it a bit easier. Please just know that there is science behind what this author, Laura Laffoon, wrote. She first talks about a woman’s cycle and then writes:

      “Research shows that, just as with a woman, a man has a hormonal cycle that occurs within his body. For the average man this cycle occurs every 72 hours. [For some it’s shorter; for others it’s longer; and for others, it no longer occurs… but 72 hours is the average.] Every 72 hours, the man experiences an internal buildup. Hormones begin to attack his brain, making him obsess over issues that were only a blip on his radar two days earlier. Under the influence of those hormones, his imagination is taken to new heights. Just like a woman, a man has no control over his cycle. His feeling and emotions well up in him and need a place to go.

      “At this point in the cycle, a husband deeply wants all that pent-up energy to go solely to his wife. Think about that. From your husband’s perspective, this is the ultimate expression of love, and he wants to give it all to you.

      “When he feels unloved, when he feels unwanted, that trapped energy begins to go places that are unhealthy for a marriage. Are we saying that you need to give sex to your husband every time he wants it? That is between you and your husband. We are saying that there are very real forces in place here. …We all have different sexual appetites. In most marriages the husband’s sexual appetite is different from the wife’s. Walking through marriage, couples will discover their spouses ‘hunger’ level. Couples need to work out reasonable and fair expectations. As soon as they do, age or illness or medication will mess it all up. Then they’ll have to work out the details all over again. It will not, however, change the fact that a man needs to know that his wife wants to be with him sexually.

      “Why? Because knowing his wife wants him is part of what makes a husband feel like a man. It is not and should not be the only way he feels like a man, but it is an integral part. We have often said that, for a woman, when all is right in the world (kids in bed, doors locked, chores done), then all is right in the bedroom. For a man, when all is right in the bedroom, all is right in the world.”

      As I said, this is a simplistic answer, but it’s based on truth. Here’s something that Shaunti Feldhahn, in the book, “For Women Only” wrote on this issue: “Clearly, just as we want our husbands to love us in the way we need to be loved, our men want the same. And sex is a huge part of making them feel loved. … You may ask, ‘Isn’t sex just a primal, biological urge that he really should be able to do without?’ Well… no. For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as, say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance —and just as dangerous to your marriage.”

      I could go on and on, but God set marriage up to address our physical and emotional needs. He talks about this in the Bible. It’s part of what marriage is all about. He shows you love in the ways you need it and you show him love in the ways he needs it and together there is a connection that leads to intimacy on many levels. It goes beyond just pro-creating, but mutually serving and loving each other beyond our own needs. I hope this helps in some way. Please pray about this.

    3. I get what you’re saying Samantha. These people saying you missed the point of the article have obviously missed your point. In the analogy, the husband was withholding the chocolate just for the heck of it. Most women don’t consciously choose the withhold sex just for fun. There are reasons they feel unwilling and unable to satisfy their husbands, and those issues need to be addressed.