Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, his need is more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Men Need Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of a man’s sexual need as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Sexual Needs

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at RonAndNancyAnderson.com. You may also want to visit their blog at Joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

378 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Is this a common perspective amongst the church? It is how I have felt for years but for 24+ years of our 27 year marriage my wife has made it clear that my strong sex drive is abnormal and I am the one with a problem. I really try honor her in that but I seem to be in a regular battle in this area that obviously affects my spiritual walk with the Lord and with my wife. I was encouraged by much of the content because it made me feel like I am not the “monster” but I do want to be compassionate with my wife and her perspective. Please pray for me as I have fallen into the sin of infidelity through this battle for purity and lack consistent intimacy. Thank you, “Desiring a closer pure relationship with my wife.”

    1. The amount of sex drive is usually a person’s opinion. I know a couple in their 70’s that do it 3 times a week, 3 times PER WEEK.

  2. I have been married for 50 years, we have had 4 pregnancies, lost our first child during child birth, and believe it or not I don’t know what my wife looks like on an intimate basis and she has never let me put a finger in her during fore play. We have sex about once every six months. My feeling is that most women want to have a child or more but only want a man to provide the spam to fertilize her egg. What does the Catholic church teach about this issue?

    1. Fingers don’t feel good to any woman unless touching the right spots. But some women don’t like it because we have our own minds. You need to talk to your wife about what feels good to her, period. Clitoral stimulation is universally equal to penis head stimulation in that has the most nerve endings. If you aren’t meeting her needs of affection and attention and mental monogamy then she also will have no desire or inclination to pay attention to the thing that controls you.

  3. You are exactly what women don’t need. You are saying I’d better take care of him sexually or I’m creating a monster? How dare you!!!! Whoever wrote this article is sick in the head. It’s my body and if I don’t want want sex it’s my decision not a man’s; you’re really screwed up.

  4. I’m a little confused by this article. It is basically saying that men can’t live without sex but before marriage aren’t they supposed to abstinent? So before marriage they can go without sex and then suddenly after marriage, it becomes a necessity that must be taken care of every few days? I’m not saying that wives should constantly deprive their husbands of sex but if husbands are supposed to love their wives like they love themselves, why can’t they compromise as well?

    For example if a wife is too tired to have sex because she has a full-time job and still has the responsibility for doing most of the domestic chores maybe a good idea might be for him to help out more so that she’s less tired and then they can get frisky? Or if he wants it every three days and she wants it every two weeks maybe they compromise to once a week?

    1. What you say is correct, but we guys are visual, contact beings. We like contact with our wives. It gives us confidence. My wife can take a few minutes for sex afterwards I am a working fool! The few minutes of sex equals to hours of work from me. Nothing to lose.

  5. Talking about hitting the nail on the head! I’m a guy and I must say the way you describe this issue (using some well thought of comparisions) makes it very recognisable. Full of good advice for women who find themselves in the same situation you found yourself in your situation. Good comparisons! The chocolate comparison is a very good one. The one about the snack and the banquet also. Nice.

  6. My wife and I have been married over 40 years. We are always working together on our intimacy, but have gone through very long bouts (years) without intercourse because of health issues. We still remain very affectionate and loving, and of course there are wonderful ways to share intimacy which are alternatives to intercourse. In marriage, be free to go and explore the land! I do think that men have the ability to be self controlled if they are in an intimate relationship with God first.

    However, God’s Word does say that in marriage we should not withhold ourselves from the other except for prayer and fasting. Personally, I would never pressure or demand my wife for a need when I know she is physically not up to it. It is at those times when just holding each other is a great reward. When a partner expresses a need for intimacy physically, it is good to work out how that need can be met.

    Marriage is God’s way for expressing physical intimacy and meeting our need for that kind of personal love and care. As someone has said He will hold us accountable for every good gift He presented to us of which we did not take full advantage. Working through the obstacles takes two mature people who love each other. It is work and at times sacrifice, but it is worth it. God bless you all.