Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

533 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. Women want sex too. A lot. If she doesn’t want it, the husband probably has not found or respected the clitoris. Guys. Find the clitoris. If she never wants sex, it’s probably that it’s not good for her. This is not meant to be rude -just a fact that is really important for women.

    1. For many women, what you wrote is true. But it’s not as “simple” as that for others. However, here’s a link to an article written by Gary Thomas, that gives an additional explanation, for those who are struggling with this issue: https://garythomas.com/2021/11/09/her-pleasure-first/. As you say, if the wife “never wants sex, it’s probably that it’s not good for her.” And that very well could be true. Gary’s article supports that theory. It won’t give you ALL the answers, but peeks into some additional ones.

    2. Wow Kristen, throw it out there!! My wife taught me how to touch her the way she likes it when we were first married.

  2. This is definitely geared more towards making men happy at the emotional cost of a woman. So if I’m not feeling emotionally connected or in the mood, I should give my body to him to make him happy anyway??? Wow. No wonder the world is this way.

    1. Mmm, not always true for every guy. If she is not in the mood, we wait later in the day or the next. Sometimes I am not in the mood and she is. I will take care of her, sometimes twice.

  3. Me and my wife have been married for 43 yrs. We’ve worked extremely hard, raised three kids, helped all three through college even though we never made a lot of money and had no help from our parents and didn’t ask. We built a small house. Our youngest is disabled but is able to live on her own but has cost us an enormous amount of more and stress.

    Out the box, there are things I didn’t know about my wife until we quit working. I found out I had childhood polio and my mom and dad divorced when I was 12. One day at 35 I started having severe pain in my right groin down my right leg. I worked 7 more yrs to where I almost went crazy from the pain. I’ve been shot with a .22 caliber pistol; the bullet almost hit my heart, went through my lung, and is still behind the kidney. I’ve had convulsions, almost died, had paralyzing polio, and almost died. I’ve had 17 surgeries. I have a list of problems a mile long.

    My wife had severe back surgery, 2 severe neck surgeries, both hands and foot and needs both knees done. I still tell her I love her and she looks good to me; she’s over weight like me. I try to keep a normal life and I want lie; I love sex. She’s the only one I’ve been with but here’s the problem. She doesn’t hardly look at me when I’m naked; she makes no advances; she does nothing. I can’t touch her anywhere without a fight.

    I’ve always done things by myself. My mother didn’t want me or my dad neither or brother. I’m very honest, love to talk to people, worked very hard to take care of my family, but when I ask for some cuddling or have sex her attitude turns mean. She’s a good wife but when we do have sex it’s hurry; get in get out. It bothers me bad. It hurts me deeply because I can’t touch my wife. Sometimes I suffer a lot. I just want to be near her for comfort but can’t do it.

    I don’t even want to go to bed at night. I feel like all I do is a burden her. I try to do what she wants me to do around the house even when I feel bad. She doesn’t even ask how I feel today or nothing. I tried talking to her about sex, touching, and these problems that are bothering me. All she does is get mad so sometimes I look at nude women, which in my book is wrong but I’ve got to do something. She wants hardly ever to let me look at her. I just gave up. She masturbates and so do I, every now and then. We have bearable sex with each other. I think I’m a good husband, not perfect but I try to help her as much as I can. Is there anything I can do or forget it? Please keep this private. I’d love to hear from someone on what to do. God bless.

  4. What do you do in a situation where wife has ptsd from childhood abuse, endometriosis, and nerve damage from an accident, and all together sex is just so physically and psychologically painful that it makes her cry and leaves her feeling sore and depressed for days? She has been in therapy & treatment for months, but the problems persist. Husband is getting frustrated and impatient and needs sex.

    1. Her doctor should give her something for the pain. It can be a narcotic, gabapentin or cymbalta, there are MANY options. Doctors are supposed to help you maintain your quality of life if they can’t cure you. Quality of life includes enjoying sex. If doctor refuses, GET A NEW DOCTOR.

  5. This is a very old blog post and thankfully writers like Sheila Gregoire are debunking most of the damaging advice in articles like this.

    1. I am sorry to say… As a 60 year old male I completely agree with this article. Life is a two way street – why not strive to make YOUR PARTNER happy? Do you want him to make you happy? Or maybe he should take your attitude and tell you to shovel the snow to move your car… Who cares about your bad back…

  6. I’ve just been on a secular website from the UK and read a post about sexual desire discrepancy. It was a straight forward, decent, sensible article with no spiritual blackmail about ‘what God wants’. Christians know who designed sex and why, we don’t need to be beaten over the head with someone’s opinion about what God wants. I came away from that secular article feeling much more encouraged than I do when I read articles like this one.

    1. When were you “beaten you over the head” to read or apply any of the thoughts expressed in this article? You came onto a Christian web site (voluntarily) where of course, you would read an article that talks about “what God wants.” There’s no blackmail involved.

      If what you and your husband are doing works for you both so you have a loving, sexually exclusive, healthy, God-honoring marriage, then all is well. You don’t need this article or any other. And if you find help in a secular (or another biblically-based) article that lines up with God’s guidelines in the Bible then… YAY! We don’t claim to corner the market on giving good advice. No human being can make that claim… only God’s words are perfectly good. Here are a few of the Biblical principles that we need to always keep in mind (the Bible’s words, not ours):

      “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39) … “Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.” (1 Corinthians 10:24) (And who is a closer neighbor than your spouse?) … “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” (Galatians 5:13-14)

      And then, of course there is: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

      1. I don’t believe 1 Cor 7 3-5 was ever meant to be used in the way it has been by (American) Christian authors in recent years. This is what I mean by being beaten over the head with a scripture that is given far too much emphasis and importance and seems to have taken on a life of its own. Put simply, Paul was addressing a cultural practise of abstinence because they didn’t understand that sex in marriage is good and healthy. I acknowledge that many people have been blessed by these ministeries, however, I think it’s time I stopped reading marriage blogs, the whole juggernaut has become too overwhelming for me. My fault that I have allowed myself to fall down the ‘rabbit hole’, but it’s time I climbed out and stayed out.

  7. This post is SO archaic, patriarchal, and problematic in its frankly uneducated and HIGHLY gendered broad strokes and assumptions. When being ‘Christ-centered’ is conflated THIS MUCH with fulfilling a man’s expectations (‘he has a fragile ego’ ‘sprint to a lingerie store!” Eyerolls FOREVER) while her own sexual education, awareness of her own needs and desires, and ability to write about sex as an aspect of EQUAL partnership is this lacking, one has to EVENTUALLY contend with the reality that Christian CULTURE remains incredibly destructive, especially to women. I am so disappointed in this post.

  8. To every wife who has complained about this article, please reread the title. This article concerns a HUSBAND’S needs, not yours. If a wife can’t find 20 minutes two or three times a week to help her husband with his sexual needs, she needs to throw him back into the ocean and let him be caught by a woman who cares more than she does.

    Of course, it’s a two way street. Any husband who can’t find 20 minutes two or three times a week to meet his wife’s needs (sexual, emotional, etc.) should do the same. This article is 100% accurate! God, I’m so thankful to this author.

    Ladies, have your husbands read this article and get his take on this. The comments posted by women who think this article is “outdated” or “misogynistic” need to grow up and read up on sexual health. I bet most women have no clue that more frequent ejaculation lowers men’s risk of prostrate cancer. The largest, and most comprehensive study on the topic was a 2016 longitudinal (across 18 years) study of about 32,000 men. Researchers found that men who ejaculated more than 20 times per month were 20 percent less likely to develop prostate cancer, on average.

    I’m sorry, but men and women are made different. The good Lord made us this way. The Lord also created male and female to be there for each other and support each other. Sex is one of the most creative, beautiful, intimate, caring, loving, fun gifts God gave to loving couples to help them bond and stay together. God MADE sex. Say it again… God MADE sex. For either partner to withhold this gift or refuse to at least TRY to meet each others’ sexual needs is not acceptable.

    Lastly, to those women who, due to physical limitations (e.g., age, dryness, etc.) find actual intercourse sex too painful to endure, there are plenty of other ways to share this intimate gift with one another. Even if you are physically unable to walk or even move without pain, you can at least let your husband be close to you, share the beauty of your body, and ejaculate. Speak to your partners! To those guys who struggle with sexual dysfunction impacting their ability to have actual intercourse sex, you too, have plenty of other ways to satisfy your partner. Man up; ask what she needs from you, and do you best to provide it. Thank you again to the author of this article.

    1. Thank you William for the additional information you gave in your comment. There are SO many reasons why we should not deny each other sexually (unless abuse is involved, or prayer “for a time” as the Bible says). But you gave additional reasons concerning physical health. Thank you for that. I pray it helps some wives realize that there are MANY reasons why we should be intimate with each other within our marriages, and the reasons you gave are also good reasons. May you be blessed!

    2. You say 20 minutes three times a week to keep her happy. This is so clinical and shows complete lack of understanding of a woman’s responses. You can’t put a time on it. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than 20 minutes. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you both do, it doesn’t give her pleasure.

      Sometimes she might need to take a break and just leave it – frustrating for her, but this is where he needs to step up and try to understand how difficult it is for her sometimes and if a husband wants a healthy sex life, all of these things often have to be considered.

      I know this is an article about his needs, but you can’t really discuss one spouses needs without considering the other spouse. There is nothing about mutuality in this article.

  9. My first wife cheated on me and my second wife did also. They didn’t cheat for love reasons, they both found younger men and married them. My second wife has a cousin, now of 53, she has a husband of 33 years. This hasn’t helped because my second wife is inspired by her independent personality and financial independence.

    Men aren’t ready for sex 24/7. This is a problem when you have a highly sexual visual wife with roaming eyes.

    I’m a love oriented man. I’m a portly man and was lucky to find the third wife that loves me the way I am. We have two children and a beautiful marriage. Many men are not sex crazed and we are cheated on by women with roaming eyes.