Life consists of our making one series of choices after the next. We all have the free will to make choices that are helpful and helpful and we have the free will to make choices that can hurt. If we determine that we want our marriage to be the best it can be, we have to make the choices that help to make that happen. And when it comes to how we handle our friends, the same “rule” applies.
“Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just hanging out with the boys after a game. It’s fine just throwing the ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, and then going home. For many that’s enough; that’s what friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.” (Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)
It’s true what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33.
Concerning Friends, God’s word says:
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’ Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning. For there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame.”
You can’t play with “fire” in going places and doing things with friends that can hurt your marriage and not expect for it to “burn” your marriage. If you have friendships that hurt your marriage, then you need to pull back from them. It will be difficult but it’s important. It’s the same principle as “cutting off the hand that causes you to sin.” This will definitely hurt you to do this, but it will eventually lead to a better end.
Years ago I had a friend that enjoyed smoking. And that was fine for that friend. But when she kept trying to get me to smoke. I determined in my mind that I didn’t want to end up a smoker, do I had a choice to make. I could either keep up my friendship with this person and eventually become a smoker (because she wouldn’t stop pushing the cigarettes at me) or I would cut off our friendship and find another friend.
Difficult Decision
As difficult as it was to cut off the friendship, I’m now glad I made that choice. (This is especially true as I see other friends who are struggling to try to quit smoking.)
I realize this circumstance is different than the ones you are facing. But the issue is the same. If a friend is tempting us to go in a direction we shouldn’t, and we aren’t strong enough to do the right thing, isn’t it better to end the friendship rather than doing what we shouldn’t?
If you have a friendship that is hurting your marriage, you have a choice to make. Is this friendship more important to you than your spouse? Is the vow you made when you married less important than your friendship, or what?
Sometimes we have friendships that are good for us “for a season” but then it’s time to move on from there because they just aren’t working anymore. A friendship is different than a marriage. With a marriage, you entered into covenant with your spouse and also with God. To leave that marriage for the sake of an outside friendship (no matter how strong the friendship bond was at one time), you are breaking a solemn vow. You need to realize that.
To help you further with this dilemma, we would like for you to read an article written by Dr Dave Currie and Glen Hoos. To do so, click onto the link below:
• How a Man’s Friends Can Make or Break a Marriage
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this blog.
If you have additional tips to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: For Married Men
I’ve been dealing with this issue for past 2 years with husband. We have a neighbor who has become best friends with my husband and since they moved in. My husband is never home. The neighbors have parties all the time and lots of drinking is involved. We’re welcome to tag along but because I don’t want my kids around that type of environment, I don’t go to the neighbor’s house very often but do have to walk over if I need to ask my husband a question or need anything.
We have been married for 14 years and have 4 kids who wonder why their mom is always crying and lonely and daddy is never at home and can’t take us out as a family or spend time with us anymore. It’s killing us all. We used to be so close but now only see him on weeknights after work for a couple of hours, and come Friday night. He’s at the neighbors drinking every single weekend. I miss my husband. But since I don’t drink, I can’t talk to any of them about how I feel because I’m labeled as the goody two shoe needy wife who has no life or friends and is a just a boring, depressed woman to be around.
There is more going on than you think. Your husband is spending time with the neighbors for more reasons than you are seeing. He isn’t going to change and start spending “family” time. Spend time with your kids and make friends. Accept this situation or move on. This is not normal behavior from a “husband”. He is going to say you’re crazy and needy. Just remember you are not -and be strong.
I can’t help but notice that it’s okay for women to discourage their husbands from hanging with a bad crowd, but when the husband points out these same types of flaws with a woman’s friends he’s being controlling.
Welcome to Feminist Marriage 101; get used to it.
I’ve been having some of these same problems before my marriage. The FB & IG was a huge problem for me. We always spoke on deactivating them permanently but it never happened. I can’t stand my husband’ childhood best friend. The man who was there as the best man at my wedding but still delivering ex-women messages. Smh. His friend must go. Honestly I’m ready to give him an ultimatum. Its either me or him because I’ve been dealing with this negative no good friend for too long over 5 years now. I feel like all 3 of us are in a relationship at times. So I took his phone and put his friend on the block list. He didn’t realize until a week later…The best week of my life. Then I just asked him, “Can you stay away from going by him for me because he causes problems and he agreed. And he permanently deactivated the FB just have to make it to the Library to get rid of that IG.
I am a non believer of new age culture in self promoting. I judge quality, not quantity of one’s frienship. Do you know the type of friends you have is a mirror of who you are? Maybe not so much 100% reflection but your belief, values are mostly on the same page. If a guy I dated is always around guys with questionable character, multiple divorces he got zero support to build a healthy marriage/relationship outlook. If he can’t be wise enough to at least have some distance from these friends, he is not in my opinion a worthy guy to date. I would give him a signal but I won’t make demand. The older a person, the more comfortable to say no without causing drama.
We were going to this church for about 3 years. Something happened so that I was told I could not be there anymore. Now I am trying to take my family to another church but my wife still stays in contact with the pastor’s wife. I feel that his wife keeping in touch with her is stopping us from being one because what happened was with the pastor. She tells me what happened was with you and him, not me and his wife. Am I wrong for saying you need to stop talking to her?
I truly enjoy reading these articles. Personally, I think the topics discussed are what’s needed to help develop strong marriages and to help alert couples about things to look out for that can hurt their marriages. This article about how a man’s friend can make or break his marriage is one that hits home for me. My husband and I are married for over a year and a half.
For the first few months into our marriage my husband would talk on a regular basis with a guy who has been his friend for about 7 years. From the first time I met this guy I knew he was not the best choice to have as a friend. I didn’t say anything to my husband but just kept watching. This guy disrespected our home by texting, calling and whatsapping my husband at any hour of the night. It came to a point that I hated coming home from work and when I got home would always be on edge because I knew our evening was going to be interrupted.
When I couldn’t take anymore I started asking my husband to ask his friend to stop disturbing my home at nights. My husband would respond in a defensive manner and would say that I didn’t want him to have friends. Things got so bad that I started dreaming about this guy and in every dream he would create some argument between my husband and I.
One morning I woke up and for some reason I picked up my husband’s phone and checked his picture files. Lo and behold there was a pornographic video saved in the file. I waited for my husband to wake up and prayed that God would give me the right approach to address this situation. I got enough courage to ask my husband. He immediately started fondling the phone and trying to find where the video was. As I kept looking at him he was shaking so much and breathing heavily. He started sweating like crazy because as calm as I was he knew I was extremely angry.
He eventually found the video in his files and when I asked him how it ended up there he said that the same guy had sent it to him. That’s when I lost it because this was the same person I had warned him about and the same guy that we had a number of arguments over. In my presence he started messaging the friend and told him that I had found the pornographic video. The sick thing about it is that the friend started laughing. That got me even angrier. I told the guy to stay away from my marriage. He tried to apologize, which I knew wasn’t sincere because just a few minutes before he was laughing about it. I chastised my husband so much that day even to the point where I questioned his Christian faith. He was so distraught by some of the things I said but I felt within my rights to call him out.
My husband uninstalled the Whatsapp app so that the friend couldn’t contact him by this means anymore. I called up the phone company and had them block the guys number. Now I can block the number myself whenever the block expires. The crazy thing is this guy is also married. Just makes me wonder how much time he is giving to his wife and the development of their marriage. Just sad.
By the way this same friend tried to coerce my husband to send money for some woman whose boyfriend wasn’t paying her child support smh. What is wrong with men that they find it difficult to confront a male friend who is causing a negative impact on their marriage?
Christian men, my advice to you all is to love your wives as Christ loves the church. This is a command from the Bible. You don’t need to score points with your friends. In many cases these same friends are looking to destroy your marriages and your lives. Score points with God by honoring His Holy Word. When you stand before Him on the day of judgment your obedience to God is all that matters. You will not be given the opportunity to tell God that you’re going to get your male friend to explain why you did what you did. Cherish your wives in the Name of Almighty God.
I have a question. What about just the opposite? What about a woman’s friends and mother trying to break up a marriage? The reason I ask, is the same thing is going on for me. A couple of my wife’s friends and her mother have tried their best to break my wife and I up. Her mother, nor most of her family has liked me from the very beginning of our relationship. We had to keep our relationship secret for months in the beginning, because she was so afraid of her mother and what she might say.
Then when she did find out, she blew up and wanted her to stop seeing me immediately, even though she was almost 20 years old. My wife told her no and so she made things miserable for us. We decided to get an apartment together so she could escape her mother. I didn’t go with her when she told her about it, but she returned in tears. After telling her about us getting an apartment, her mother blew up, calling her names. My wife got her clothes and even tried carrying her bed out by herself, but after hearing her crying and having trouble with the bed, her step-father helped with the bed.
Anyway, with time things calmed down and we became friends, so I thought. But for 15 years she has bad mouthed me behind behind my back every chance she got. For some reason, my wife is terrified by her mother. She barely looks at her in the eyes she’s so terrified. I’ve known my wife and mother-in-law since we were kids. We went to church together, I was a sound technician and her mother, as well as my wife were singers. We were close at the time, but later stopped going to that church.
So I don’t get it, I’m not a bad person, never been in trouble or anything like that. But over time my mother-in-law has done her best to destroy our marriage and family. We have one child. We’re currently separated, still very close, but the future is, who knows except my God. I pray and pray for help and I see and claim an answer from God of my wife coming home to us. IN HIS NAME, I CLAIM IT!
Me and husband have been married for 10 years. We had one child. My husband has this Vietnamese ex coworker female friend who worked with him for 3 month and got fired from the company. She keeps chatting with my husband day and night. And she asks my husband to steal company data for her and meet her behind my back. She even instigates my husband how to lie to me. I had so many fights with my husband because of her. My husband just doesn’t want to drop her, and he said she is his friend. Now he wants a divorce. And I didn’t even have a chance to tell him we have a second baby on the way. ( This woman is destroying our family.
She was sent by the devil himself to destroy your marriage. So sorry that your husband doesn’t have a spirit of discernment to see that. Sad situation. This is something that I’ve always been bothered by, that a woman or man would come between a husband and wife with the willful intention to destroy their marriage. I pray that the Father opens your husband’s spiritual eyes, causing him to cry out in repentance and work to restore his marriage. God Bless you all.
I’m engaged to be married this next year. We have a 3 year old son together and have been together for 7 years. I’m finding Christ again in my life and will soon be baptized. (I know we’ve done things backwards from what God tells us to do.) I’ve been able to have my fiancé go to church with me 2 weekends in a row. We’re doing a 60 day marriage challenge at church. He says that church was really great and then after church he goes and golfs with his friends (some of them are single and the others hate their marriages.) And then comes home in a terrible state of mind and then that starts our bad week. He spends more time focusing on his friends and I really think this is going to jeopardize our relationship together. I’m not sure what to do because I’m really trying to follow in the footsteps of our almighty to do the right things as a soon to be wife and as an individual.
I am in love with someone for the past one year and I made my vows with him even though we are not married yet. He is an amazing person to be with, but there’s something holding him back from living his life. He has a few friends that I know who are a very bad influence on him. They trick him into wasting his money and his life on drinking, smoking and drugs. There was even a time when he cried to me about this and I have made up my mind to pull him away from them. But I don’t know how to do this as the influence is getting stronger and I don’t want to give up on him. I know that there’s still hope for him to be saved. I just need help on how to deal with this situation. Will someone please guide me? I’ve spent the past few days in anger and tears and I’m desperate for a solution.
My husband’s a great guy. I don’t mind him going out with the guys. Some are great and I talk to them. We’ve been having problems, communication and drifting apart. I let him know how I feel. He has a friend who been divorced 3 times (always the female’s fault). He’s very needy and husband drops everything to go over. He is now staying there until 3am now and sometimes overnight. When he comes home he smells like alcohol. He is also type 1 diabetic. I don’t think he is a good influence, what do I do?
I am currently going through something like this with my husband. It saddens me because prior to an event we (myself, my husband, his friend and fiance) had a great time all spending time together as couples. He and a friend had a bit of a falling out due to me and a nervous breakdown I had towards his friend’s fiancé the day before their wedding. I immediately apologized to both of the friends and his fiancé as well as mu husband.
I was uninvited to their wedding that we traveled to for 21 hours while my husband was a part of the wedding and was still invited and attended without me (understandably and encouraged to do so by me). I feel as though what I had said should have been said, however, it should have been done in a much more adult like fashion, at a different place, at a much different time. I portrayed my feelings of regret more than once to all parties involved and informed his friend and his fiancé, now wife, that I had felt as though she (the wife) was being very disrespectful to myself, her husband’s family and friends, and her new soon-to-be step son, (12 yr old).
Do I believe my actions were justified because of her actions? Not in the least. However, I felt that while I gave an apology for my actions, I too deserved an apology from his wife for her disrespect to me but more so I deserve to be forgiven. She has repeatedly told her husband prior to this event that I hate them, and because of that he did not partake in a few of our wedding activities in which he was a part of. This made me very sad for him and my husband and their friendship.
I have told my husband’s friend time and again I do not hate him and I do not understand where this is coming from. To me friends are precious, however, not when it jeopardizes a marriage. I feel as though if his friend and his friend’s wife cannot forgive me then it is time to move on. His friend repeatedly asks him to go to dinner, hang out, and have a beer but, knowing my husband is hanging out with a person who strongly dislikes me and cannot forgive makes me uncomfortable. They both say they want to stand by their wives but also be friends.
I just don’t see how that can work. I wish my husband would just see that this is no longer a friendship that is going to workout without forgiveness and just let his friend know that they need to just cut ties and live life with their new wives and focus on building a bond as newlyweds. What do I do?
HI. I m hoping someone can advise me. My husband spends all free time he has with his friends and sometimes he doesn’t even come home. All the times and dates that families are supposed to spend together he spends this time with his friends.
As a result I have decided to end things between him and I because I can see that I am a single parent. His friends arent people of good character; I have seen their ways and I believe in the saying “show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.” He thinks I am overreacting and just dont want to see him with his friends. Am I exaggerating things?
Hey, can you give an update? It seems a bit overly dramatic to divorce (if I understood what you were saying right) over this. While this is obviously a huge issue, that he isn’t spending time with family, you two can probably talk it out and be at peace. Remember, God hates divorce.
My husband works with a bunch of new men over the past 5 years. One of them is disrespectful to women and is constantly making inappropriate remarks to coworkers. This is one of my husband’s work friends. Now that my husband no longer works there, I don’t want him hanging out with him. This jerk has a longtime girlfriend, and they are often fighting. How can I get my husband to see that his friend’s behavior is not just innocent joking around?
I found this article so helpful. I’m going through a very tough time at home with my husband. He has some friend who have been living with us for almost 2 weeks now and they bring over their girlfriends to our house. My kitchen is no longer mine as those girls go in there and do what they want. I have had a conversation 3 times with him regarding this but it seems he likes their company a lot. I’m trusting God for his help and counsel on this.