Messy vs Tidy Marriage Partnership

A MARRIAGE DILEMMA: What do you do if one of you has the natural inclination to be messy and this greatly upsets the other spouse because he or she likes things neat and tidy? That’s the subject of this Marriage Insight because of the oppositional “nagging” problem it sets off in a lot of marriages.

It happens — even in the best of marriages! There will always be differences that need to be worked out. And this issue of messy VS tidy is just one of them.

As America’s Family Coaches say (and we agree):

“You may very well face this situation—it’s not at all unusual. Why? Because often opposites attract. That guy you married because he is such a visionary is often so far in the future that he can’t manage to drop his underwear in the clothes basket. Or the woman you married because of her fun and creativity is so busy creating that the house is always messy.

“Early in your marriage you will find ‘hot spots’ where you set each other off. That messiness, that might have been quaint when you were dating, is suddenly a huge problem now that it invades your own space.”

If this is your dilemma the following ideas give some peaceful solution for working through this problem. The first one comes from a “Relation-Tip” (USA Weekend Magazine) that was given by Dennie Hughes. Here’s the question, then the tip, and then we follow up with tips from other “marriage experts”:

Messy VS Tidy

“My husband married me knowing I’m not one for housework. When we both worked, I cooked, and he cleaned at the end a hard day. But his attitude changed once I became a stay-at-home mom. Now he just complains about the mess. This has become a huge issue. He feels our home is my work area and should be kept neat. Why do I feel this is unfair?”

Here’s the advice Dennie gave:

“For your husband to expect your inner maid to miraculously appear just because you’re now a stay-at-home mom, and for him to think he no longer has to pitch in, is very unfair. However, your stubborn stance against altering your cleaning aptitude (probably brought on by his new, surly attitude) isn’t good either.

“Marriage is a compromise situation. You were smart enough to discuss your limitations and expectations before you made your vows— and you should have talked about your new roles as homemaker and breadwinner before that life-altering decision to have a child.

“That said—it’s not too late now. Discuss your feelings, and brainstorm ideas to reach a happy middle ground. For example: Your husband wants to relax in a clean living room after work. You sympathize, then (because he referred to the home as your office) remind him that when he comes home you’ve also been on the job all day with household errands and your child. The plan: Share the overtime. You cook; he washes dishes. You make his relaxation area clutter-free while he bathes the baby and gets him ready for bed.

“And don’t forget: In addition to being ‘mommy-caretaker’ and ‘daddy-breadwinner,’ you’re also still husband and wife. So, schedule a little romance between the daily chores.”

Messy VS Tidy Thoughts

Now we realize that spouses of different cultures and different approaches to life may want to adapt the tips that are given here. And that’s fine! But pray, read and glean through these tips to see what might work for you:

• “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterward.” That advice can apply to housekeeping habits as well as other areas of life together! Don’t forget to give each other grace and overlook that, which you can, for the sake of the relationship. And for that, which you can’t overlook, ask God for wisdom in how to approach the situation with a forbearing spirit. First prayer —then share.

“Be completely humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace“ (Ephesians 4:2-3).

• “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” (Barbara Johnson)

“The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor [your spouse] as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other“ (Galatians 5:14-15).

• Keep in mind that in marriage you’re a team. Your goal is to attack the problem—not each other. Sit down at an agreed upon time (when it isn’t a H.A.L.T. time —when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired). Then strategize how you can work it out together to bring order into your home so you’re both satisfied (to the degree it is possible).

Additional Thoughts?

Realize:

“Being messy or tidy isn’t always a conscious choice. Sometimes it’s just what we are and what we become, based on how we were raised, our surroundings, or our mental health. So regardless of which end of the spectrum you fall on, try to be understanding of each other’s lifestyle, and know that it’s okay to have differences. You just have to find ways to navigate around them.” (Cynthia Anaya, from her article, “Our Best Tips for Helping Messy and Neat People Live Together Happily”)

Yes, we know:

“Living with a neat freak can be challenging if you’re on the messy side, and living with someone who’s on the messy side can be challenging if you’re more on the neat side. It can be difficult for both parties, but if each party is willing to bend a little, it can make a world of difference.” (Cynthia Anaya)

“One important thing to discuss with your spouse is what ‘clean’ means for each of you. A common problem with housework is that we may think we’re talking about the same thing when we’re not. I value clean. My husband values tidy. I can walk by knitting projects strewn everywhere and not notice them, while he may never notice a bookcase that needs dusting. Saying ‘keep the living room clean,’ then, means something different to each of us.” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from the article, “Real Good Housekeeping”)

We want to reiterate:

“Being clean, or neat, means different things to different people. For example, it may mean that everything has a specific place, that visible spaces appear tidy even if the closets are stacked with stuff, or that anything goes unless you have someone over to visit.

“Additionally, you may need to discuss what specifically you are referring to if you talk about the messiness of the house: Is it piles of clothes, dishes, papers, etc., or is it dust accumulating on surfaces? Are you referring to the shoes lined up at the front door or the mail being left on the kitchen table?” (Ekua Hagan, from her article: “When Partners Have Different Levels of Cleanliness”)

Also:

“Chances are that you and your spouse have a different definition of ‘a job well done’ than the other. Maybe you hate the way your husband loads the dishwasher or folds clothes [or vice versa]. He has his own way and timing of getting things done. This is one of those differences between you that might never be resolved. Learn to navigate through it so you don’t build up 40 years of resentment over something as minor as a messy car. This means that you and your spouse will have to learn to let some things go and give each other ‘love gifts.’ There are some things I do around our house just because they matter to [my husband]. … [My husband] makes similar adjustments out of love for me.” (Juli Slattery, from her article, “How Do You Dole Out Household Chores?”)

That’s how you “marry” your differences.

As it Pertains to the Messy VS Tidy Marriage

Here are some additional tips to help you to marry your differences:

“Make a list of the specific things that annoy you (or you want to change). Identify the negotiable things, and the non-negotiable ones. Let your spouse know what you would like to see change, and what absolutely must change. Don’t make negotiable things non-negotiable. Don’t make everything an issue. Keep to the big things.

“Finally, discuss ways to bring about what you desire. This is NOT to be a monologue where you dictate what is going to happen. It MUST BE a discussion! The minute it becomes a finger pointing monologue, you lose. Remember empathy will keep you engaged with your spouse. So, encourage their input.” (Joseph Nolan, from his article, “Living with A Messy Spouse? 7 Things You Can Do to Keep from Losing Your Mind (and Your Marriage”)

Also realize:

“Total neatness may be out of the question—beyond reality. So… start small. Create neat zones. Areas where you both agree to keep tidy. These are usually areas of high traffic where people frequently gather. It’s the areas you ‘see’ the most. Make these a neat zone.

“Starting small will help create a ‘neat habit.’ Simply barking orders and demanding ‘the house to be neat and clean’ is overwhelming to a messy person. But if you establish one or two areas that need to stay neat, it’s not overwhelming. It’s doable to the messiest among us.” (Joseph Nolan)

Lastly

It’s important to note these important points:

• “Change takes time. Realize this issue will not go away overnight. Any new habit (that’s what we have to establish—new habits) takes time to establish. Just remember, keep the main thing the main thing. Your marriage is more important than the condition of your house. This is coming from a recovering neat freak myself.” (Joseph Nolan)

• “With conflict over housework, as with most conflicts, remember that the reason for the conflict is usually not the thing we’re fighting about; it’s the search for the answer to that central question, ‘Do you really love and value me’? If we can see that this is really the issue, perhaps we’d have an easier time compromising and reaching out.” (Sheila Wray Gregoire, from her article, “What to Do When Mr. Clean Marries Mrs. Messy”)

• “Sure, it would be easier to live with someone who is more like yourself. However, such differences present opportunities for personal and relationship growth. When you’re stretched toward increasing consideration, patience, and empathy, you’re becoming partners who are more skilled at loving each other.” (Eunia Lee, from her article, “He’s Messy. She’s Tidy. Let’s Call the Whole Thing Love”)

We totally agree with something Drs Les & Leslie Parrott wrote,

“Our house feels most like a home when we put into practice God’s principles for loving each other within it.”

So:

“Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.” (Ephesians 4:2 TLB)

Cindy & Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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