Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are family partners fused together by circumstance and law. To be thrown into a close family relationship without giving consent or being consulted is a daunting challenge. The mother-in-law/ daughter-in-law relationship is without question, complicated. But overcoming this challenge is possible.
So much changes for a family when the adult children fall in love and marry. Suddenly there are new members who, by decree of law and circumstance, are expected to be embraced and included into the fold. By all means, the challenge is a daunting one, especially for mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.
Even though the mother-in-law may have had no direct input into her son’s decision of who and when to marry, other than years of intense prayer for her child’s mate-to-be, the fact remains that the family experience is definitely impacted by the soul-mate selection made by her offspring.
The Challenge Goes Both Ways
In the same way, the daughter-in-law who may have chosen to join with her husband in holy matrimony has to face the challenge of being joined in a holy alliance with the rest of his family. By the sheer nature of the relationship she is expected to melt into a household of folks that are often unfamiliar and at times very different from her family of origin.
The reality is that every holiday, every special occasion, even the continuance of the coming generations pivot on the choice to unite families through marriage. Whether the parents-in-law or the adult children realize it or not, the choices that are made are life-altering for the entire family.
For most parents, the grace to love and enfold these new family-members-by-law is a mere continuum of the parental love they enjoy with their own kids. However, there are those situations that may require an attitude adjustment. Inevitably, embarrassing moments and even outright conflicts occur in in-law relationships. Sometime the problem happens not out of a vindictive, hateful motive, but simply out of ignorance or insensitivity.
The following is an account of an older-but-wiser daughter-in-law who has struggled with her share of conflicting situations with an alcoholic mother-in-law. There are principles of conduct illustrated by the restraint and the positive actions of this woman named Amelia that will help in dealing with conflicts.
The Complicated In Law Relationship
When my mother-in-law would come to visit us, I never knew who was going to show up. It all depended on how much she’d had to drink. Since she was an alcoholic, we soon discovered that her personality varied. Thus her behavior was greatly influenced by how much liquor she’d consumed. In a strange way, it really helped to have something else to blame rather than to just assume she didn’t love her son or his family.
My mother-in-law was a very complicated person. Although I found it terribly irritating when she introduced me to her friends as her “fat daughter-in-law,” I tried to look past her steely, gruff, ill-mannered ways. It was mostly out of respect for my husband’s feelings that I was willing to put up with so much mistreatment.
I made a concerted effort to look behind the scenes at her behavior. Even though there was no excuse for being so rude, I had to acknowledge that she had lived a very hard life. She was widowed twice, and was raised by a mean, hateful father. She was also neglected by a distracted mother. Her children had all moved away from her, and understandably so. Still she was a sad, lonely old woman who had put up a thick wall to keep out the hurt. But to her detriment, the barriers that she erected to protect herself from harm unintentionally deflected any love that happened to come her way.
A Different Person Behind the Scenes
It wasn’t until after she died that I realized she’d never let any of us get to know the person she really was. Sadly she died very suddenly. We went into her house to tend to her affairs the same day she died. To our astonishment, we found posted notes all around the house. Over the kitchen sink was a notation reminding her to pray for her grandson. In the bathroom, tacked to the mirror was a reminder to pray for her granddaughter. On and on the notes were placed. Everyone in her family had a special spot, where she would lift them up to the Lord in prayer.
It’s so strange, we thought. As many times as we had visited her, we had never seen what was going on in her heart and in her home after we left. Even though she put up a facade of distance, we now realize she really did love her family the best way she could.
After hearing Amelia’s account, I asked her, “What did you do over the years to overcome the conflicts you experienced with your mother-in-law?” She shared what I’ve come to call the 3 keys to overcoming conflict.
KEY 1: KEEP YOUR DISTANCE:
“As much as I desired for my mother-in-law to be a part of our family, to know her grandchildren and enjoy her life, I came to realize that there are some people you just have to keep at arm’s length. Try as you might when that person is a destructive presence in your life you have to take measures toward self-preservation.”
Amelia’s first step toward making peace with her mother-in-law was an excellent example of the biblical model found in Romans 12:14-21. That passage offers some incredible wisdom for all who encounter ongoing conflicts with others. It reads:
“Bless those who persecute you. Bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved. But leave room for the wrath of God. For it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. ‘But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. And if he is thirsty, give him a drink. For in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil. But overcome evil with good.’“
Do Not Stop Trying in Overcoming Conflict
This admonition from God’s Word offers some incredibly important wisdom for anyone who encounters ongoing conflict with others. God acknowledges that there are some people who will refuse to be pleasant and peaceable. This verse is not an excuse to stop trying to show love toward a disagreeable in-law. An individual can do all the praying in the world. But if the other person refuses to listen to God, then the fact must be faced that there is a limit to what can be done to reach her heart.
Even with this passage in mind, Amelia continued to keep in touch with her mother-in-law. She said,
“Our family sent cards on her birthday, and gifts for the holidays. We called her on a regular basis, and visited her as much as we thought wise. When we went to see her, we tried to keep her limitations in mind. Since she was used to being alone, we knew that bringing small children into her homemade her nervous. She worried about her knickknacks getting broken. So we decided it was best if we met in a more ‘child friendly’ environment. The McDonald’s playground became a comfortable spot for a short, noisy visit. The children could eat, play, and make messes, and it didn’t harm our relationship. Sometimes we would choose to meet at a local park. There she was free to watch the children play. And there was no concern for her flower garden, her pets, or her possessions.”
This daughter-in-law must be commended for her unselfish efforts at bridging the in-law gap. Much to her credit, she had learned that “keeping her distance” physically didn’t necessitate cutting the mother-in-law off from their love.
KEY 2: KEEP YOUR TONGUE:
Thankfully, Amelia’s story contains a second step to overcoming conflict. Along with keeping a safe distance and taking precautions to make what time that is spent together pleasant, it is also imperative that we keep a watch over words. Amelia continued,
“After my mother-in-law died, I was especially glad I had bitten my tongue on more than one occasion. Believe me, I can’t count how many times I wanted to blast right back at her when she said things to me that hurt my feelings. Of course, I didn’t like her critical spirit when it was aimed my way. But nothing upset me more than when she would berate my husband. Keeping my tongue in control was, and is, one of the most serious lessons in humility I have dealt with. There were times when everything in me would want to scream, ‘You can’t talk to me like that.’ However, I discovered that when I was willing to hold back revengeful, cutting words, God then would supply the strength to control them.'”
Amelia was a living example of one who wisely accepted the truth found in Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.“ When we’re willing to humble ourselves before the Lord and submit to the authority of His Word by obeying it, then we are in the best position possible. Isaiah 66:2 says, “But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.“
KEY 3: KEEP SMILING:
When it comes to family relationships, what Amelia finally chose to do reminds us that we have access to a divine alternative that has the potential to heal weary hearts. Ultimately, she realized she could either learn to laugh at her unpleasant situation. Nor could she lambaste the one who was stepping on her toes during her tedious in-law dance.
Though not always easy to find, Amelia managed to root out some lighter moments in her relationship with her mother-in-law. By doing so, the heaviness of tension was relieved somewhat.
“My efforts to bring some levity into the situation was sort of one-sided. Not much humor came my way. Instead, I was regular in delivering ‘the goods.’ I began to cut out funny stories out of magazines, cartoons out of newspapers, and copied humorous e-mails that others would send me. When I’d go visit, I’d take an envelope stuffed with funnies and give them to her. Sometimes she’d read them while I was there and, to my amazement, I’d hear her quietly chuckle at a few of the things. It was somehow medicinal to hear her when she tentatively giggled. To be honest, the humor I found from it all was just knowing that I really did ‘get to her.'”
We all have the same choice that Amelia had. The book of Proverbs gives us some good reasons to keep a sense of humor. Proverbs 15:13 reminds us that “a joyful heart makes a cheerful face.“ Forget about the laugh lines and go for it! Also we are told in verse 15, “A cheerful heart has a continual feast.“ It’s O.K. to keep laughing. That’s because a “joyful heart is good medicine. But a broken spirit dries up the bones.“ (Proverbs 17:22)
Keep in mind this truth I once heard:
- We serve a God who is more than able to change our misery into a ministry.
- He is able to transform our every test into a testimony.
- And He is the Master of taking our helpless mess and turning it into a message of hope.
Don’t let a difficult situation with your in-laws rob you of your joy and sense of humor. Set up the boundaries of love. Live by them, even if the other one keeps stepping over the line.
As we learn to get along with our extended families, we should be blessed to know that in-laws are another way God provides more folks with whom we can give and receive love.
This (edited) article is found in the wonderful book titled, The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?
— ALSO —
The following is another article, which you may find helpful to read (posted on the Kubic.org web site) on this issue:
• HOW TO MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(ZIMBABWE) It depends with the mother-in-law. Some don’t even appreciate.
(SINGAPORE) I believe it takes a lot to do what Amelia did. It’s easier to just choose to keep the distance. Some in-laws may be locked in their way of thinking and expect the younger generations to honour them without a question. It ought to be 2-way.
My wife and my mom had a huge "fight" before my wedding; don’t think my wife will do what Amelia did as whatever my mom did was deemed extremely unreasonable. Guess I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life.
(UNITED STATES) All I can say man is support your wife and distance (but still visit) your mother-in-law. You have chosen the woman you married and put her at the top of your priority list. Don’t let that priority slip. Always encourage your wife to allow YOU to defend her when your mother mistreats her. You may have to deal with this for the rest of your life like my husband has thus far with my abusive mother in law but you can nip things in the bud that she could not. Fight for her. She’s worth it. Your mother must learn respect and boundries too. My heart goes out to you. Your in a very tough spot.
Oh and always support your wife even if she’s in the wrong -correct her behind closed doors to show her respect and show an undivided bond between she and you to your mother. This too will help.
I wish I had more support as far as my husband’s godmom goes. She gives me the blues and is controlling and sways him. I feel so upset about it and I distance myself. She is an alcoholic and it’s a constant struggle to deal with. I’m not an arguing person and she takes me there. What should I do?
Cari, You’re dealing with a substance, more than a personality. It’s difficult, at best to deal with an alcoholic. You really need to read up on this type of abuse. You may think you know a lot about it, but it’s important to glean through the info to figure out how to best deal with this type of addictive personality. Here are a few articles we have posted on this web site: https://marriagemissions.com/help-my-spouse-drinks-too-much/ and https://marriagemissions.com/coping-alcoholic-spouse/.
Please glean through them, even though they deal with a spouse –many of the principles are the ones you can adapt. Pray and ask God for the insights you need on this. You need to put down personal boundaries, to the best of your ability (especially since she is able to sway your husband). You may also want to contact one of the ministries we link to within the first article to see what resources they have available that you can adapt and use. I sure hope it helps.
This is a very, very difficult situation. It will not be one that you will be able to resolve unless she breaks her addiction and addictive behavior of being a controller –trying to control those she shouldn’t, especially when she’s out of control in her own life. But you can put things in place so she doesn’t push your buttons as much and tempt you to do things (such as arguing) that you wouldn’t normally do. Please do what you can so this doesn’t take down your marriage either. It CAN happen… don’t let it. I pray the Lord gives you wisdom and also strength to do what you need to do so you don’t go down, just because she is out of control.
That’s so true, if we do everything that the above says to do, then one may explode, and that’s worse. ‘A drip of water over time’ …isn’t this in Proverbs?
(USA) Amelia, God bless you. I am blessed to have found this web-site.
My Husband and I have been married for 29 years, and still my Mother-in-law chooses to stir the pot. Always trying to divide us, my husband always runs to her… still trying to receive his blessing from her. Until recently, I’ve tried to win her approval. It took me a while to know I don’t need her approval, only Jesus Christ’s approval. I will honor her as my husband’s mother and our children’s grandmother (they very rarely see her… her choice). And try, try to let it go and let God. Thank you for the encouraging words.
(USA) My husband has betrayed me with his mother by telling her everything I do, when I go to the doctor, my medications I take, my brother’s trouble with the law. Everytime something is in the paper about my brothers, my inlaws will ask my husband about it and then he tells me about it. I have been married to this man for 26 years. For the first 17 years I put up with it because we have 2 children together. My husband’s parents do not visit them or acknowledge them, yet they play favorites with 2 older grandsons. Both my parents passed away when we had been married 17 years and I ask my husband why don’t mil/fil come and visit our children, but he refused to talk to them about it, until one day I ask him again and he screamed in my face and said “THEY HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING TO YOU!” He took off walking and came back later that day and didn’t speak to me for 2 days. This happened twice.
I was so depressed one night I started drinking and drank myself unconscious. My husband told my mil about it. I don’t drink; this was a one time thing. I was so upset that he told her. My mil didn’t come to visit me after I got out of the hospital. This was at Christmas time. She didn’t even get our children anything for Christmas. She went ahead and had her annual Christmas Eve party and didn’t invite my husband or our family and gave gifts to all of her other children and grandchildren.
She told all my husband’s brothers family about me drinking and now none of his brothers come around or call him. I’ve been so resentful towards my husband because he refuses to admit his mother/father is a problem in our marriage. He even told me that he would divorce me if I didn’t start getting along with his parents. We don’t sleep together anymore, because of all this. I don’t have any desire for him anymore because he refuses to stand up for us/his children. I have had enough and I told my husband if he wants to see his parents to go see them but I will not and don’t want them around me. So he goes to see them and I stay at home. I don’t regret saying that to him because I have put up with so much.
We pretty much coexist together, because we don’t want to upset our son and get a divorce. He’s 11 and he senses the tension, so we try not to argue or make him upset. We love him and our grown daughter so we try to get along. My husband is also retired and just walks around pacing the floor pretty much all day. I just hope that we can get this marriage back on track. I still love my husband and I think he still loves me, but we have a lot of issues to work out. Please pray for us.
Hi Sissy. This is exactly what is going on with me. I’m here if you would like to conversate. I’m in need of advice.
(USA) I felt God brought me to this website as I am marrying a wonderful man in a few months that has a very domineering mother. I’ve been struggling for 2 1/2 years as my fiance hasn’t “seen the light” in her behaviors, etc. He cowers down to her & then I feel less important & left out. Very often, I feel SO alone & almost crazy because of my mother-in-laws control issues. I am very glad to see that there are Bible verses of which I can follow that will help me persevere through an upcoming marriage… for years!
May God give us all strength to endure & act in a biblical manner toward one another! And May God give my fiance a “light” bulb moment that will last our lifetime!
(USA) Hi Kay, I’ll be truthful, unless your fiance truly DOES “get it” as far as the problems his mother is bringing into your relationship, I sure wouldn’t marry him. You will only see the situation ramp up after marriage (and if you ever have children, it gets even more complicated). I can’t tell you what to do, but that is how I see it. We receive more emails than I could count that testify to this being true.
IF you are to marry, NOW is the time for him to stop cowering and show that you are going to be his life partner and for him to let her know that she needs to recognize your importance in his life. She will need to take a back seat in his life. He will always love her, but he will not allow her to have control over his life anymore. YOU are his parter, not her. How she approaches your partnership will indicate how much she will be able to be a part of his and your future.
The two of you need to clearly talk NOW about what boundaries you will put into place so you feel protected and honored by him as a marriage partner. We have a lot of quotes and articles on this web site, both under this topic and others (including “Dealing with Parents) that can help with this. NOW is the time to start changing these destructive power-struggle patterns. If not, heaven help you!
(UNITED STATES) I completely back what Cindy said from my experience! The first time my alcoholic mother in law freaked out on me and degraded me for no reason was on the night of my bachelorette party (no one else was drinking -she stashed alcohol in her car). Had I taken that nights RED flag seriously, I could have avoided 5 years of pain, stress and heartache.
I’m blessed because while my husband was a jellyfish to his mother also in the beginning, he is no longer but that took about 2 years of crying, begging and pleading with him to defend me. He’s very non confrontational and basically blew off the abuse she gave to him so he felt I should as well. I’m not built that way so he learned that my needs were his defense. But it’s a terrible place for you or your future husband to be and will only generate many marital issues.
I would heed this red flag with all your heart. I’m telling you with a passion I cannot express through words – remember all I’ve gone through after thinking the same way you are.
(USA) I too had a major RED flag before our wedding day and wish I had paid it attention for what it was. Unfortunately, I listened to my then-fiance’s sister who reassured me that while their mother could erupt in anger and tears, grossly misinterpret meanings and be unreasonable often about many things, she still loved her children and meant well. After a year and a half of brushing off this behaviour and many, many tears over this, my husband finally saw it for himself when she openly directed her anger at me and tried to blacken my character with bogus claims. At least now we can create a healthy and respectful distance between us. I can be charitable but not in close proximity.
(CANADA) I love the scriptures that constantly bring me back to the truth in my relationship, through the word of God which sets us free.
You see, I have learned that some things and some times, a person cannot share with others. Sharing can sometimes make matters worse. By talking to the wrong people things spread. I was in a new city and my mom in law was well known, so all the more I did not want to create an ugly situation among mutual friends. So through prayer, guidance and the word I made it out.
With the help of these discussions, everyone let me know that I was not alone. It really helped me through some bad situations, and depressed feelings. It helps to write and reflect and mediate on the word day and night – Amen!
(USA) My mother in-law includes my husband’s ex-wife in everything. They have a daughter together. After three years of dating and now 5 months of marriage I was allowed to meet the daughter, but only under the watchful eye of the mother in-law and ex-wife.
The daughter was very quite, unfriendly and had to be told to acknowledge me by my husband. Whenever we were with her, the mother and MIL were present. The ex-wife sends inappropriate emails to my husband but acts so innocent in front of my MIL. My MIL always refers to the ex-wife as HER daughter in-law in front of me. When my husband is around they are kind to me. Away from my husband they ignore me and act as if I am not there.
Thankfully, the ex and the daughter live out of state. Now they have gone home and my MIL tries to tell my husband to divorce me. I have severed all ties with his family we don’t go around them anymore. Yet I’m called the evil one and am told my husband is cursed for marrying me. The MIL wants him back with his ex and his daughter. This is very frustrating.
(UNITED STATES) I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. That saddens my heart. I’m lucky I guess that my in laws can’t really stand my husband’s ex wife (mother of his two other children).
I know it’s easier said than done but you don’t deserve that abuse and your husband’s responsibility is to YOU -no one else. He needs to stick up for you and now allow that abuse to come near you. Let them accuse. Are you more at peace since they are not in your life? Focus on that… not what they think. Obviously they have very messed up ideas and sense of reality and in their minds you will always be the guilty one. That’s them. Accept it -avoid them and move on. You deserve better. Live your life with your husband to it’s fullest but make sure he knows his devotion should be to you -not them.
(CANADA) Interesting. Once again it’s the mother-in-law that is portrayed as the evil trouble maker! Daughter-in-laws are not always the so called innocent party that do nothing to contribute to poor relationships. It takes two sides to give and take to make a relationship good where both are shown honor and respect.
(UNITED STATES) While I’m sure there are daughter-in-laws who are the main source of the issue, this webpage is directed specifically at this particular situation. It doesn’t mean everyone on here is innocent in handling issues, and it doesn’t mean that they’re on here just to have a bashing session on their inlaws. There are hurting and stressed out people on here who need the support of others in their situation.
You may benefit much better by finding a webpage devoted to the opposite of this one but please don’t judge those on here as you have not walked a day in their shoes.
Amber, I don’t believe that Holly was stating that it’s always the DIL being the problem. She simply stated that it does take two to make the relationship healthy where they both can be shown respect. Nobody should be told to go find another website, as none of us on here have completely walked in another’s shoes.
It’s comforting to know that there are conversations on both sides of the spectrum here in this forum. We could all benefit from the wealth of knowledge on the “entire” subject and maybe see a side that we haven’t seen before. Sometimes that opens us up to see our own short-comings, whichever side may fit our current situation. My intentions are not to be rude, but open up a new window of possibilities for us all. Sometimes when we’re in these types of situations, it’s very hard to see both sides as we’re usually writing from hurt, anger or pain ourselves.
(USA) I don’t think I could ever be like Amelia in this example, merely for the fact that it seems her husband didn’t take the time to look at the emotional toll this took on his wife. The Bible tells us to “leave and cleave”… that means your SPOUSE is now your immediate family and the most important family member in your life, not your mother. Yes, we want relationships to be healthy with our parents, but as a married couple your number one responsibility is to your spouse. How sad that this example shows a husband who put his mother’s needs above his wife.
And no, we do not enter into a union with our in-laws. As far as I can remember it was my husband who stood across from me when we said our vows and pledged to forsake all others, not my mother or his mother.
(USA) It is so easy to forget that God is in control that there is NOTHING He can’t do. I was very stressed a minute ago with my situation, where my mother in law, well, she is not as terrible as Amelia’s, but curses and teases and screams at my son for her own amusement. She feeds him hot, salty junk food because it is tastier than the food I make for him. Also she some how believes that the salt and spice in a food disinfect the baby’s mouth. My son is only 10 months old.
Unlike with Amelia, she lives far and when she comes she stays with us for 3-4 days. Plus, she spends money like water, constantly asking for money from us, or wishing to go some expensive restaurant. She always tells us how stingy we are and how we’re not enjoying life when we have so much more than her family does. I’m constantly telling her no and explaining that we’re not rich, just have a big house which consumes all of our income. It gets very, for lack of a better word, exhausting. She makes it sound like we’re lying to her so we won’t have to help them.
Since we’re an Asian family, disagreeing and confronting with my in laws literally means forget you. I fully disrespect you and will never ever see you, ever.
Right now, I’m giving the situation to the Lord. He can move the mountains; He’s the only one who can change one person.
If anyone out there has any Godly suggestions on how to deal with her, would you please let me know? My in laws are coming over this coming Christmas and staying for a whole week. The three days of Thanksgiving with them was soooo stressful that even now, my body aches and voice still gone.
By the way, we have a small business where my husband spends most of the time. So it’s hard for him to deal with the situation. I REALLY REALLY NEED SOME HELP! Please.
(USA) I have an ultra intrusive mother inlaw… His allegiance is to her, and to heck with me and my feelings. Whatever she wants she gets, he even goes to his parent’s house every single morning and night… it’s ridiculous and the stress is taking years off my life.
We have had at it enough times, I’ve spoken my mind and then some, but not with the MIL. I have held my tongue for most of the past decade and it’s done nothing but seemingly allow this issue to continue to grow. Speaking up has not exactly helped either. Now I’m in counseling alone as he won’t go, and it’s obvious the change must come from him and him alone.
I’ve turned to God so many times and I don’t know what more I can do. I will scream out “why won’t you help me?” This morning I cried this out, WHY won’t you help me?? What am I supposed to do, can you please tell me??
(USA) Our marriage has been deteriorating for the past couple of months due to issues with my overprotective and disrespectful mother. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. Admittedly, I was not the best husband for the first three years. I had not left my parents emotionally, and I definitely did not cleave to my wife as I should have. Fortunately, I finally got the hint three years ago and finally stood up for our marriage and our “oneness”. In the past, I would not defend my wife and stick up for her when my mother would make comments about her perceived effectiveness as my wife. Now, I am quick to nip her in the bud before she gets started.
Some background; I am visually impaired. Even though I consider myself very independent, there are certain limitations that I face where I have needed to rely on others, namely in transportation. My parents, especially my mother, have not been able to let go of me. She always checks up on me to make sure that I’m ok. She also feels that no one can “take care of me” as selflessly as she can. Over the years, her disrespectful criticisms have finally worn my wife down.
My wife walks around with an emotional black veil weighing her down. She feels that nothing that we do will ever make the situation with my mother any better. She fears that confrontation between the three of us will only result in more hardship and pain. I try to assure her that I will forever stand up and protect her and tell her that she will never have to face any hardship alone, but to no avail. She believes that the only way for marriage to survive is for us to permanently close ourselves off from my family, which would also cause a separation from my sister and her two kids whom we love as our own.
My wife says that she would never ask me to do this cause she knows that she couldn’t do it to her family, but she sees no other resolution outside of separation and divorce. To prove my love and commitment to our marriage, I tell her that I would, in fact, do this even though I know that it would cause pain of another sort. Plus, and I just realized this today, I feel like I would resent her for making me choose such a drastic and permanent solution. I would feel like “well, I’ve done this for you, what are you going to do for me?” I would feel like, in making me choose, she gave up her right to complain or upset me in any way ever again. Basically, she could never repay me.
We have sought out Christian counseling and marriage sermons online. I’ve read tons of articles about “leaving and cleaving” and working out issues with your in-laws. I believe that my wife has to unshackle herself from the power that she has given my mother. A power that my mother consciously didn’t even ask for. I tell her that she is not a victim, rather a victor in Christ. That, through Christ, she is of immeasurable worth.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone been forced or chosen to permanently close yourself off from your biological family?
(UNITED STATES) Dudley, my heart goes out to you. My husband is in your shoes right now every day as we speak. The only difference it sounds like is that the verbal abuse his mother gives is to he and I both, not just me (though it is to me more often).
You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place and not a place you chose to be in! I know from what my husband has endured that it is a very stressful place to be. My mother in laws constant verbal abuse toward me has caused my husband to consistantly defend me and he is a very non confrontational person so it’s wearing on him quickly. But you mentioned the emotional black veil your wife wears – I wear that as well.
One thing my father has taught me through my venting to him about my situation is that there are things he can say to his parents that no one else could get away with. There are boundries he can set that if set by anyone else would cause a lot of issues. It sounds like you need to evaluate your emotional attachment toward your mother and honestly decide to change that devotion to your wife as the Bible calls a man to do. Defending your wife and being her voice in this situation and every one from now on will help keep her less stressed out and give her the respect toward you that your there protecting her -even if just emotionally. A woman’s success is wrapped up in her emotional stability. If she’s struggling emotionally, her entire family will suffer as well, especially her husband. So keeping her as emotionally sound as you can is mandatory for your marriage to remain successful (in my unprofessional opinion – based on experience only).
Coming from your wife’s feelings -I completely understand the desire to break ties with your family, yet feel for your feelings toward your family as well. I have put my husband in this situation numerous times but not to be mean or vindictive -for the survival of my sanity. I had on several occasions come to the conclusion in my situation that it was hopeless and when all other efforts failed, this was my end considered resolution. While your wife wouldn’t deep in heart want to do that to you, she sounds like she is to the point of desperation and that’s a dangerous place to be for her mentally.
Maybe you could consider limiting things with your mother. Such as -if she calls 6 times a day, only acknowledge 3. Then slowly lower it to 2, then one, then take a few days between acknowleding phone calls. It’s not just you that needs to break away emotionally and realize your duty is to your wife -not your mother -your mother needs to realize this as well and by you distancing yourself. It’s not saying that you don’t care for her or appreciate her. It’s saying to your mother ‘look, I know you love me, but I’m a grown man, with my own family. My wife has now taken the responsibility to meet my needs. Thank you for your efforts but my wife’s got this now’. You know what I mean? But to your wife… it will be like a breath of fresh air. The space will give her time to recoup emotionally and will show her your devotion is to her which will strengthen her devotion to you. I cannot stress enough the importance of your devotion to your wife and letting go of that attachement to your mother. It will change your marriage!
Sissy, Wow, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know both sides of the story so I’m just going to address yours. It would be really hard to do much of anything toward your husband when he has betrayed you like this. He has invited your MIL into your marriage in a very unhealthy way. It almost sounds like he’s trying to gain her approval so he fills her in on your shortcomings. It proves his loyalty to her.
The only way I could think of this being an advantage to him is if he never felt accepted by his mom and so he’s always trying to be in her good graces. He also may simply be not committed to your marriage and trying to paint you in a bad light so that when he does do something, everyone will take his side. Sounds like your marriage needs counseling. A lot of pastors and priest provide free counseling.
Hugs, what’s happening isn’t right. I hope you can find a way to make peace.
(USA) My husband feels his mother has the right to come over our house and stay for days. She lives 7 mins from us. When we first got married I invited my mother in law to come over and stay the night when we moved into our new home. My mother in law told me I did not need my house and she prayed against us staying there. As time went by my mother in law would come over to visit and end up staying for days. This caused a huge problem for me and my husband because she and I would always argue.
For about two years I would laugh off her comments and just dealt with her bossing me around. She would tell me how to cook, wash and other things. So I asked my husband if she can stop staying over. He had a hard time with it but did it. After about a year of her not staying over he asked her to stay and if I was ok with it. He said it makes his mom happy to be with our family. I said yes, for tonight, and it turned into 2 days. I had to argue with my husband to get him to take her home. My mother in law has changed a lot but she is still rude and bossy. What should I do?
(UNITED STATES) Ok, while I’m just another soul dealing with inlaw issues, I understand your stress. First of all, the Bible says that a man shall leave his mother and father and be joined with his wife. It sounds like there is some attachement your husband has to his mother that drives him to respect her desire over your feelings which is in no way biblical. While you cannot control what your husband does, and it sounds like you have been more than selfless in this situation, I would sit your husband down and get the deep reasons he desires his mother to be with you guys so much.
For a woman, my heart heart goes out to you. The situation your in would be overwhelmingly intrusive -it being your house and you being told how to guide it. If your husband still insists on letting your mother in law stay (which living 7 minutes away just seems silly to need to stay in the first place), I would talk with your husband about setting some serious boundries. Those would be up to you but something has to change or this will drive you away before your husband can blink.
(ENGLAND) Hi ya. I have 2 children and I’m very busy trying to fit my family members in. I do ring, send photos and get together sometimes. I’m trying my best to cook, clean, do the school runs, have time for myself and take care of my home. My problem is my mother in law. She feels pushed out of our family and has demanded time with us and cries and blames it on us. This has caused problems between me and my husband and he can’t seem to think how I feel.
I don’t want to cause a wedge between him and his mum, but I can’t please her. In the past we were made to feel guilty of not going round. We were told they hadn’t bonded with our children (then we left them, which we didn’t want to do), just to please my Mother in law. Text messages started to come to my phone, which I felt I had to answer, and felt if I didn’t, I was being rude. It could be a message WE’RE AROUND THIS WEEKEND. Then we get messages every time they go away, which is a lot as they have a caravan and it’s to say “WE HAVE ARRIVED SAFE.” It goes on.
I have had text messages where my mother in law is to buy my husband for gifts and I have had some insults verbally from her like “you look tired!” I feel I don’t want to see this woman anymore. There is nore and more to this. It started when I had my first child and got married. I am so miserable by it all. My husband stands by me, but I’m still made to feel guilty by her?? x
(UNITED STATES) If there is one thing I have learned in my mother in law situation, it is to know who I am, what I’m about and what my desires are and to not let someone make me feel guilty because their expectation is something different than that of mine. You and your family have a life to live. You sound like you have much going on and while that is your business and no one else’s, I do believe it is still important in that time to make sure you take maybe a day every week or two to allow your family to visit with your inlaws. If they expect more, that is not on you. You make an effort to reach out to them but don’t allow them to make you feel like you should do or give more when you know you are making that effort.
I understand that intrusiveness with the text messages. They make you want to say ‘who cares!’ lol. At least for me they do. My father in law used to drive me insane with texts similar to the ones you described. He also very seldom went much time without texting and getting upset if we didn’t respond. Your family needs your space. The Bible says the son shall leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife. At that point, you become one anothers responsibility. You become your own family. It’s nice to be cordial, but some inlaws are too much int hat area.
I would just talk to your husband about setting up a time to visit or to have your inlaws visit a couple times a month and let him deal with the rest of the drama. I have learned life is much more peaceful if you let your husband deal with his own parents on issues. My father taught me this and I’ve been trying very hard to heed it in every situation. It’s made my life a LOT less drama filled and stressful.
(SA) The problem with my mother in law is jealousy. Her daughter is not as successful as I am and as a result she is trying to destroy me for that reason alone. I don’t know how we will make peace if her daughter in law never rises to the challenge? It can only mean that there will never be peace. How should I handle that?
(UNITED STATES) You can never do anything about someone else’s jealousy. The Bible says that with envy comes every evil thing, so it is expected that your being treated terribly. I’m sorry to hear that. However, congratulations on your success and keep your focus on that in humility. Be encouraging and uplifting. It’s hard struggle (as someone who has struggled with jealousy) but from my experience, what goes around comes around. It came back on me much worse I believe.
I would encourage you to mediate on the scriptures in this article the way I am!
(UNITED STATES) I believe that God can change every situation in every way but sometimes it gets hard when you have this mean bitter old soul hoovering over you like she was created to make your life a living hell… I don’t want hate in my heart at all and I pray for strength every day in my situation. It’s much worse than others I believe!! She wants her son to be her man and he was not born to be her man.
That’s why he went out and got him a woman. She feels like if he’s not at her beck and call he’s acting funny towards her and she believes I’m the cause of it. He’s a grown man. He loves me and it’s a difference between me and her. Our love is totally different and she gets the two confused like she wants her son to sleep with her. She’s jealous, bitter, and very hateful. I can’t see how she can say she has the love of God in her heart and she hates me. I never did one thing to this woman for her to hate me like she does. Her excuses are not even accurate. But I continually pray for her and once we’re from under her roof I will truly be keeping my distance far, far, far away.
I couldn’t do anything but clap the whole time a read your comment. We are feeling the same way and in the same situation and the only different is we are staying in a house she bought. I’m so ready to move in our own house where that control part is gone.
I feel like everything I do she says is never good enough. Every decision her son says we are going to make she says, “well, why do you have to listen to her and why he didn’t call her first to make sure that was okay?
I have never met a more hateful, conniving, mean, troubled spirited, manipulative, and self centered person in my life. The sad part is she was somewhat like this before we got married, but after we said I do its like hell opened up his gates and started anyway possible to destroy my marriage.