James Bryden writes, “Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all life’s hazards, save one —neglect.” And when you get involved with pornography it causes you to neglect your sexual life with your spouse. Pornography hurts intimacy in marriages and kills out true love.
Brian was in his early twenties when he came to my (Bill’s) office to talk alone. He was angry because I had told his wife, Kaye, that pornography should not be in a part of their sexual experience with one another. Brian has always been an independent thinker and did not like getting such bold advice from someone he didn’t know very well.
Intent on Winning
Brian was obviously uncomfortable, but he was intent on winning me over to his point of view. After very little small talk he blurted out, “So what’s the big deal with looking at pictures of naked women? Didn’t God create the human body? And isn’t the body beautiful?” “Yes, God did create the human body,” I replied, trying to disarm Brian’s assumptions. “And yes, the human body is beautiful. But Brian, do you need to use pornography in order to lose your wife?”
Brian was apparently stunned by the directness of this question as he began thinking out loud, “No, my wife and I have a good sex life and we would have a good sex life whether we watched X-rated movies or not.” “Does your wife want to watch pornography?” I continued. “No,” Brian said hesitantly. “Most women say that pornography makes them feel used,” I responded. “And men who are honest with themselves say that pornography controls them. A marriage cannot last a lifetime when you feel manipulated and your wife feels exploited.”
Doesn’t Have to be Boring
“Come on, Bill, how can you think that lifelong marriage works anymore? Do you honestly believe that a man can be satisfied with only one woman? You can’t really expect that! It would be so boring!” “Well, it doesn’t have to be.” I responded. “My wife and I have a very satisfying relationship and our sex life continues to get better.” “Yeah, but you’ve never done the things I’ve done. You haven’t seen the things I’ve seen. You live a very sheltered life so it doesn’t take much to give you a thrill!”
Brian sat thinking to himself. I could almost read his mind. How could this man truly believe that sex with only one woman could be as good as all the sexual experiences he had had? How could I expect him to change?
Brian tired to explain away the nagging dissatisfaction of his own life as he told the story of his quest for the sexual fulfillment he believed was his right. He bragged about the women he had “conquered” as a young man. He touted his venture into soft pornography, then hard pornography, and justified his daily addiction to pornographic material by pointing out that all “real” men did the same.
“Do you think I’m a real man?” I asked him. “Well, yes, I think you’re a godly man and I respect you.” Brian didn’t want to offend his pastor but he really didn’t think that a religious man understood sex. “I don’t look at pornography. By your definition I am not a real man,” I continued, much to Brian’s discomfort.
Vulnerable
Brian’s half-hearted retaliation exposed the vulnerability he was beginning to feel, “You are not supposed to look at pornography. You’re a pastor!” “Am I not a man because I am a pastor?” At this point Brian realized he was trying to cover up his own pain by discrediting his pastor. His pent-up emotions broke loose as he told of the haunting pictures in his head, from childhood years. He saw his father, mother and other women engaging in sexual activity. Brian took time to listen to himself for the first time in his life.
“Why does my dad have to be a pervert? Why did I have to get a dad who would do those things to my mom? And why did my mom let those things happen? What’s wrong with me that I have to have these parents?”
Brian’s flood of emotions laid bare the source of his personal involvement in the sexual revolution. He didn’t respect his dad because his dad had abused his mom. He didn’t respect his mom because she had allowed herself to be abused. His response was to abuse his own sexuality so that he fit into the family. It was too painful to say his mom and dad were wrong.
In utter frustration he told me that he didn’t know how to relate to women without being sexually involved. He avoided all contact with women that wouldn’t lead to sex. Brian exclaimed, “After all I have experienced, I don’t think I can look at the woman I married with respect —as if she is a real person. I’m afraid I will only look at her as a sex object. But, do you really think I can change?”
Trying to Fill the Void
For children of the sexual revolution who want to have a lasting marriage relationship, the pornography issue is explosive. This generation has been bombarded with graphic sexual entertainment and flooded with opportunities to indulge every sexual imagination. Many boast of their newfound freedom and brag about their guilt-free lifestyle. Tragically, though, a rising number in the post-sexual revolution generation have found that being thrust into sexual experiments outside of marriage has threatened their ability to build a lasting marital relationship.
The pornography issue became a crisis for Brian when he met Kaye. He honestly loved Kay but was afraid he would be too sexually restless to build a lasting marriage. Despite his fears Brian and Kaye got married. For the first few months, Brian thought his struggle was over as he and Kaye seemed to be sexually compatible.
In time though, the thrill began to deteriorate as the allure of new experiences demanded Brian’s attention. To fill the void, Brian started bringing home movies that depicted couples engaging in various sexual activities. He convinced his wife to watch these movies with him and then try to perform the acts they viewed.
For Brian the excitement returned. He felt like new life had been breathed into their sex life. He couldn’t understand why Kaye had grown colder toward him. Kaye didn’t understand why Brian needed these movies. “Am I not exciting enough for you,” she asked. She wished Brian would love her just for herself, rather than for her body. But she was afraid she’d lose him if she refused to participate. She really loved Brian, but she was repulsed by the things he asked her to do.
The Empty Well for Men Hurts Intimacy
This struggle for Brian and Kaye existed because pornography is an empty well. The well is empty for men because it can never satisfy. Men are easily aroused by visual images; that makes them targets of pornography. Initially, the graphic nature of pornography attracts the aggressive nature of men and makes them think that a need is being met.
In an environment of constant sexual stimulation, this aggressive nature cries out for more graphic displays and can even turn to a darker side —sexual violence. The more frequently a man watches pornography, the more graphic and violent the pornography must become to produce the same level of arousal.
Brian, like most men, didn’t think he would become violent, but if he continued to depend on pornography to help bring excitement to his marriage relationship, he was guaranteeing his own dissatisfaction. At first, it would seem as if the entertainment was working. But if he continued, he would find the level of absurdity and violence had to increase to reach the previous level of sexual pleasure.
The Feeling’s Gone
We have observed that depression is associated with prolonged exposure to pornography. Depression affects all aspects of life, including sexuality. Research has shown that “compared to healthy men, depressed men reported less frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies, less frequent sexual activity, less pleasure from their sexual activity, and less satisfaction with their sex lives.”
One man, addicted to pornography for 10 years, grieved over its effects on his life. His angst came to a turning point after seeking out a peep show where quarters allowed him to gaze at women rotating around on a platter while they masturbated. He thought: “There is no art, no beauty, and no acrobatic dancing. The woman is obviously a sex object and nothing else. The men are isolated, caged voyeurs. There is no relationship.”
Days later he took a trip down the coast, filled with natural beauty, eating at his favorite restaurants, and lodging at his favorite bed and breakfasts. As he stopped to gaze over the windswept ocean, he mused about the numbness that had taken residence in his heart: “I felt no pleasure. None. My emotional reaction was the same as if I’d been at home, yawning, reading the newspaper. All romance had been drained out, desiccated. …Was I going crazy? Would I lose every worthwhile sensation in life? Was my soul leaking away?”
The Silent Agony for Women
The well is also empty for women, because the acts depicted in pornography are stressful to women. One woman, after years of silent agony, was finally willing to admit her husband was addicted to pornography. She gave the following testimony before the Attorney General’s Commission on Pornography:
He made me want to die —every time he took me to bed —and I felt he wanted to destroy who I am. His triumph over me was controlling me in bed and making me feel what he felt. He didn’t love me. There was no feeling of comfort or fulfillment, only pain, emptiness and deep loneliness.
As a couple participates in pornographic activities, their relationship inevitably suffers. The woman feels used and the man is left with the frustrating reality that he is the only one pleased with the performance. Loneliness and alienation set in and the couple finally concludes they cannot meet one another’s needs.
The Downward Spiral
Even hard-core pornography users are admitting that a spiral of alienation occurs when pornography is introduced as a partner in a relationship. One young man, who had been involved in sadomasochism and the pornography business, got married, and then had children. He says he sees nothing wrong in his addiction to erotica or in sharing some of it with his children, but his comments reveal the numbing effect it has. “I don’t think my kids are ready for it. Hard-core becomes very detached. …I guess it’s the impersonalness that I’m not sure they can deal with.”
Although he’s not willing to face it for himself, he does recognize that pornography makes a very personal expression of love impersonal. This alienation spins downward through unmet expectations, which leads to withdrawal from real sex into fantasy and masturbation. Finally the spiral leads to anger, because neither the real-life sex partner nor his own body can keep pace with his erotic fantasies.
The Road to Sexual Fulfillment
The road to fulfillment is found in a whole new well to drink from. Sex is a very special gift that has been given to married couples to enhance their adventure through life. The adventure involves a curious exploration of the multiple possibilities a couple can discover to express their sexual love for each other.
As the couple continues to grow with one another, the intimacy builds. New possibilities for romantic and sexual expression are naturally found. But lifelong sexual innovation is possible only if the couple values the relationship and continues to grow. When pornography is used, the exploration process is accelerated so that a couple engages in physical activity beyond their own personal comfort level.
The natural discovery process is assassinated by the demands on the couple to perform up to the level of the entertainment. If an intimate relationship is reduced to a performance, the inevitable result is frustration and insecurity. Sexual success in any marriage requires that the discovery of sexual fulfillment happen at the pace comfortable to the couple, not that dictated by pornography.
The Key to Sexual Success
The key to sexual success is balance. The couple should be open to the process of discovery that is inherent in any intimate relationship. When new approaches to the couple’s lovemaking are uncovered, they both must remain open to the possibilities.
A wife should have the courage to listen to her husband’s needs and pleasure choices, but she must not allow herself to be reduced to a performer on the stage of her husband’s self-seeking fantasies. It is okay to say no in the midst of an intimate relationship when a woman feels that she is being taken advantage of rather than being loved.
Kaye had tried unsuccessfully many times to discuss her dissatisfaction with Brian’s demands, so she was amazed when he approached her one day and wanted to talk about the coldness of their relationship. “What is wrong with you, Kay?” Brian asked with a bite in his words. “How come you never want to try the things I want to try?”
“I don’t think anything is wrong with me. I’m just a woman, and women don’t like pornography,” she responded, trying not to react defensively. “Well, I know some women who like pornography,” Brian added, “They think it’s fun.”
“I don’t know those women, Brian. All the women I know are threatened and turned off by watching others engage in sex. I just want to make love with you, and I want you to make love with me, not with the women on the TV.”
Wants to Be Loved
Brian was listening, so Kaye went on. She spelled out in detail how she would like to be loved by him. Brian marveled as Kaye told him the romantic things he does that she appreciates. He felt close to her as she explained where and how she liked to be touched by him. Brian was pleased as she described how special she felt when he was spontaneous in their lovemaking. He felt ashamed as Kaye told him how ordinary and degraded she felt when she was repeating what they had watched on a pornographic movie.
This conversation opened up a new dimension in their relationship. Brian felt a renewed sense of pride in their marriage. Finally, he had figured out how to make Kaye feel special. He felt a new sense of courage in his intimate relationship with Kaye, as he came to understand her needs and desires. His sense of pride as a man was boosted as he saw he could arouse his wife, rather than focusing on only fulfilling his own desires.
Now, Kaye and he had a secret. They knew how to relate in a way that nobody else knew about. Understanding these mysteries about Kaye fired up a brand new desire in Brian. Eventually, Brian found enough security with Kaye to consider destroying the pornographic material he had diligently collected since puberty.
The Tough Choice
Brian was realizing that a man who wants to have a satisfying relationship with his wife must make the tough choice not to allow pornography to infiltrate his life and compete for his affection. He, like other men, discovered that authentic men don’t need artificial devices to gain fulfillment. A billboard in Midland, Texas, that we (Jim and Sally) especially like, pictures several men (noted sports and community leaders), with the caption, “REAL MEN DON’T NEED PORN.”
Remove the Strangler
The destructive effect of sexually graphic material on a man’s life is illustrated by an example from nature:
In Mexico and the tropical zones of South America a so-called “strangler” fig grows in abundance. The fruit is not palatable except to cattle and birds. After the birds eat it, they must clean their beaks of the sticky residue. They do this by rubbing them on nearby trees. The seeds of the small fig have a natural glue which makes them adhere to the branches.
When the rainy season arrives, germination takes place. Soon tiny roots make their way down into the heart of the wood and begin to grow. Within a few years the once lovely palms have become entirely covered with the entangling vines of the parasitic growth. Unless the “strangler” figs are removed, the tree will begin to wither, dropping one frond after another until it is completely lifeless. The only way to stop the killing process of the “stranger” fig is to take a sharp knife and cut away the invader. (From: Infosearch)
Developing a Plan of Action
In the same way, pornography will take root in the heart of any man and slowly steal his ability to love only one woman for a lifetime. If porn is a part of your life, the only way to put life back into your marriage is to take drastic measures and cut away the invader. You must develop a plan of action toward sexually explicit material:
1. Decide to abstain from pornography.
2. Decide to focus only on ideas that promote your relationship with your wife.
3. Decide to avoid places that would tempt you to get involved in the downward spiral.
4. Meet regularly with 2 or 3 other men who are sympathetic to the problem and will provide compassionate accountability.
5. Get some help with Online Accountability, which can help you when you are alone with your social media devices.
These men should be made familiar with your plan to avoid contact with pornography. They should be given permission to ask questions such as, “When was the last time you viewed pornography? Are you doing the things you said you would do to build your relationship with your wife? How close are you to falling back into pornography?”
Note:
If pornography addiction has developed, special action should be pursued. We recommend talking with a trusted counselor.
A Weekend of Freedom
Brian and Kay are fortunate. Brian sensitively listened to his wife as she lovingly confronted him with her distaste for pornography. As a result of their courageous interaction, they decided their relationship was too valuable to threaten with pornography.
They planned a romantic weekend away at a hotel with one requirement —the room had to have a fireplace. They loaded the provocative collection of pornography in the trunk and headed off for their weekend of freedom.
After sharing a delightful dinner filled with candlelight and romantic conversation, they went to their room and built a warm fire. Seated on the hearth, they proceeded to place the articles of pornography in the fire. While the material burned, a new sense of freedom came over them. It was as if the unrealistic sexual demands they had placed on themselves were rising with the smoke and dissipating in the air. That night was one of the most memorable evenings of lovemaking Brian and Kaye have every experienced, and the freedom introduced to their marriage has led to many more.
You may be feeling trapped by the escalation of explicit pictures you’re carrying around in your head. You may be feeling discouraged or demoralized by the unreal performance expectations placed on you by a spouse entangled in the web of pornography. Hang in there. You can hack away the invading tentacles and take the bold step to say no to pornography and yes to each other.
Pleasure Point:
Gather all unrealistic expectation builders (pornography, explicit movies, novels and so on) and arrange for a bonfire. If a fireplace is not available, gather up all the material and shred it or smash it with a hammer so no one else will be exposed to it.
Then lay out a new white comforter or blanket as a symbol of wiping the slate clean, and enjoy your new sexual freedom together. Make love in front of the fire or at another special “new” location that says, “I release you from the ‘fantasy sex syndrome’ and I commit myself not to use pornography.”
This article comes from the book, Pure Pleasure (Making Your Marriage a Great Affair), which was written by Bill and Pam Farrel and Jim and Sally Conway, published by SALTSHAKER Books. Unfortunately, this book is no longer being published. However, their book Red-Hot Monogamy: Making Your Marriage Sizzle is available, which may help you in your marriage. You can also visit the Farrel’s web site at love-wise.com.
— ALSO —
The following blog, written by Sheila Wray Gregoire, points out additional points to consider on this issue in marriage:
• TOP 10 EFFECTS OF PORN ON YOUR BRAIN, YOUR MARRIAGE, AND YOUR SEX LIFE
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(NIGERIA) Hi, Cindy. How are you? Please advise me on this present issue cos I am losing my senses. My husband is a porn addict. I have never denied him sex any time. But for the past ten years he’s been in it. Secondly he is still contacting his girl friends writing love letters. Should I tell my pastor? Though some of our friends have discussed this earlier and he apologized, yet it does not stop.
Please anyone who has any advice for me, don’t hesitate to write me.
(AMERICA) I was raised with religion being a keystone in my life. I recently discovered that the one I love is also addicted to pornography. It has been a problem for him for the last seven years. I struggle with questions as well. Why am I not good enough? What did I do wrong? Why am I not pretty enough? Am I too fat or unattractive? The answer is far from simple in every situation.
Pornography is an addiction. It is one that is very difficult to understand, especially as a spouse or loved one. It is hard for an addict to accept and confront their problems. They feel shame, hurt, frustration, among many other things. It is difficult for someone who has been engulfed with these issues for so long to understand how their problem could possibly affect those around them. I take marital commitments very seriously.
When a person with my faith is married, it is for eternity. For forever. The covenants and promises made at the altar are sacred and should be treated as such. It is difficult to be patient and understanding while confronting these issues in your marriage. These are serious issues that require a great deal of prayer and thought. Pray about it, let God guide you, pray for your spouse. He needs to know you love him no less, and that you will be there for him. Speak with your pastor and ask for help and his council. Most importantly, take care of you!
(USA) Hi Meme, I would certainly suggest going to your pastor about the problem. See the following verse:
Matt. 18:15-17 – this has biblical instruction on how to approach someone who is sinning. Keep in mind this is only for believers. If your husband is not a believer/Christian, then he is not bound by scripture or the laws of God. But even if your husband is not a Christian (or trying to follow Christ), you can still talk to your pastor for yourself.
Regarding him being sorry – many people are sorry when they know something is wrong or when their spouse has told them that they are offended, but being sorry for one instance and being repentant are two different things. If someone is sorry but continues to do the same thing over and over again, then they are not repentant and they are not doing enough to change.
My only caution is to "speak the truth in love." If you are demeaning to your husband when you speak to him about this then you are going to turn him away from wanting to talk and it could possibly be a sin. Always make sure you are doing and speaking out of love and a desire to follow the life God wants for you. Never act or speak out of anger or too much emotion if it is going to make you verbally abusive (like calling names and such).
It is a delicate situation and will require you to seek God through prayer on how to handle this situation and what your course of action should be. I think going to your pastor, if this is someone you trust, would be a good place to start. God bless, LT
(USA) Hi Meme, LT gave you some great advice. You’ve tried talking to your husband privately and with friends, now you need to step up the help you get for your marriage by going to your pastor (and wherever you can that would effect a positive change in this situation).
For some reason, many men in particular, don’t realize that this is a type of adultery. They disconnect the two. And if they do, they are so pulled in by the lure, that they don’t stop anyway. They are playing with fire and someone WILL get burned and they need to stop.
It’s much like playing with drugs. Addiction and an extremely negative change in lifestyle is always in the possible mix when you play with something that is addictive. Already, you are hurt Meme, and God is hurt in how your husband is pulling “fire unto his lap.” God did not create us to prostitute sex in this way.
Your husband may be allured by the “fun” of it all, but it’s not “fun” to you, or your marriage, or the destruction it can, and is, and will cause.
Please know that this isn’t about you. This is about your husband lowering his standards and participating in something that is totally selfish.
We have a lot of articles, and recommended resources, including web site links that are here for you to take advantage of, to try to help your marriage. Please do what you can to get the help you need to help your marriage.
It’s great that your husband apologized, but words are useless unless they are followed by actions to stop and do what is right. Keep seeking God’s help in this and knock on every good door that is available to try to get your husband to invest his time and energy into your relationship instead of selfism. That’s not what marriage is all about.
I pray the Lord will help you to persevere through this and that He will guide you to the help you need, and that your husband will repent. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
(NIGERIA) Hi Cindy and LT. Thanks a lot and may God bless you. I will comply with your advice. God bless you richly.
(USA) I will contact my employee for this problem that I have. I am ashamed of it and lied to my wife to conceal it. Is there any other suggestions you might have?
(USA) I feel that hiding this from your wife is destructive. She likely has some idea something is awry and if you keep it hidden she may assume the worst and that is very painful for the wife. I know how this feels. If you want to be trusted you must be open and honest. Hopefully, with a lot of love and understanding, things can work out.
(USA) What do you do when you have gotten him counseling, and he continues to do it? He says he is sorry, but he keeps doing it. All the while, your self esteem suffers.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, I really need advice, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been married for 5 years, my husband never gives me attention and I normally end up begging for it. If we do have sex, he uses words that I hate, and he knows I hate it!! And he will urge me into getting a piercing ext ext. I started wondering if he perhaps saw this on porn sites or what’s going on. It’s terrible, I just feel used and like a object.
(USA) This is a big one for me… I don’t even have sex with my husband anymore. I don’t feel comfortable and he just seems like a nasty demon touching me… so I can’t! I know I might be opening the door for him to cheat on me but I feel disgusted with him. Pray for me… I can’t deal with the porn and him looking at girls online…
(USA) I am in the same situation. I will pray for you as well.
(RSA) We’ve been married now for 7 years now and my husband knows that I am HIV positive. I do not enjoy sex anymore, the reason being, that he does not want to use protection. I feel used by his behaviour. What must I do?
(USA) To answer the questions set forth by this forum or discussion, our answers are as follows:
Q1. “Does the Internet attract and make sex addicts out of people who otherwise might not have been addicts?” A1. While we think it’s quiet evident there is most likely a precursor earlier on in life that might make one more susceptible to this addiction, the environmental influences certainly figure into the equation.
Q2. “We tend to think of this as a male problem. Are women at risk, too?” A2. Much like Domestic Violence it is not gender bias, sexual addiction are not either. For although they may not looj at the same content or be drawn in by the same things, curiosity is certainly the same among women and men both and if not kept in check even the most innocent of things can lead to impure thoughts and spin off into the most damaging of things. Like all things moderation and discernment are key and critical in steering clear of pitfalls.
Q3.“…Our culture abuses us sexually by bombarding us with unhealthy sexual images. As a recovering addict, how do you deal with that?” A3. MOST DEFINITELY, it’s EVERYWHERE…and we go into that more in depth in our story and testimony.
Q4. “What would you say to someone who knows he or she has a pornography problem?” A4. Again, PLEASE READ our story and testimony.
Now, our hearts go out to you and please know that you’re in our prayers. Maybe our story and testimony will offer you and others some encouragement. Ours has been a journey that has taken us over a year to come to realize the true love and commitment we have for one another after many a prayer having been said by us both. James has battled a sex addiction for many years, even before I came into his life – and as such he partook in anything that would apply to that online, be it a number of dating sites, pornography, all the chat networks, email, text messaging and even having “friends” call him on the phone -which continued even after we got married.
For some, as was the case with James, it can start out as a low level sexual stimulant, as simple as say looking at an catalog, seeing it in a movie or even a provocative commercial on the TV. For in truth, you can see it at your local news stand and at eye level of children! It can be a person they call a “friend” and a lot of times it’s not something their partner lacks but what they feel they lack in themselves or on their own. For in truth, there can be a number of underlying factors that can trigger this kind of addiction. For James it was a result of many years of childhood abuse. He literally thought no one could or would ever truly love him. He was afraid of love, resented love and as such disconnected himself or disassociated himself from the situation entirely on a personal level to any degree as that applies to a truly monogamous commitment, as God intended.
This is not to say he didn’t have needs, because everyone does. He just sought to fulfill his needs in what he considered to be the safest way he could, that being on the internet. So, what started as a safe and intriguing curiosity or interest for him steadily turned into a deep-seated and volatile addiction. Like any addiction it got worse over time, requiring more and more stimulus to satisfy an ever growing need for more and more stimulation. It’s like a drug in that regard and if left unchecked it can lead to all kinds of problems that are hurtful to all parties involved. Sexual addiction is the worst kind of addiction, in our opinion, in that there are no support groups readily available in most communities to handle this growing problem. There’s no progressive program to deal with it, diagnose it or help someone recover from it. It’s ready available on the internet, in movies or on the TV; even in commercials. “Sex sells,” they say – and the devil is everywhere. That’s the truth of the matter.
Thus, we’re sorry to say, if your partner wants to partake in it, they will always find a way to do just that. It’s only by way of love and a sincere love for the Lord that you are able to conquer a problem such as this, because believe me we never could have done it on our own. I prayed many, many times, daily that James eyes would be open, by the Lord. I cried many a tear for the pain, sense of loss and betrayal I felt. I had no idea what was going on and I felt totally rejected and abandoned in the process. I could not understand why he could not love me as much as I obviously loved him. He said it, so why couldn’t his actions parallel that? That was the question that ate at me. That and “WHY?” I blamed myself and I started to really get a low self-esteem and personality complex about it.
James got a job in Hong Kong, a high level, executive position and we were off to a new country, where I thought we could start a new and fresh life free of any interference or distractions; especially from his friends, for James had stopped partaking in most of his online activities by then; even though, I naively didn’t know about what was taking place by then either. I just had a gnawing feeling and many suspicions.
Call it woman’s intuition, but, the truth always comes out in the end – just as it did in our situation. After all, it wasn’t as much a secret for James, as I thought. Truth is, he’d left it on the computer for me to find. kind of like a test you might say. Although I’d been abused and much worse than him, he tested me and our relationship to see if I truly loved him enough to stay and maybe even, quite possibly accept it. Not that that makes it right, but my love for him was unwavering.
I found the pornographic videos he’d downloaded from the Internet, when he went over to Hong Kong alone to interview for the position at his new job and I was devastated- and clearly did not accept it. But it didn’t stop there as one thing lead to another revelation I wasn’t prepared for, such as: the numerous dating sites he’d joined or the alternate email account he had. The lies he’d told since the beginning of our relationship were so many, he couldn’t begin to explain it all away. One lie virtually leading into the next,…”virtually,” – sorry, but no pun intended.
But, ALL OF THIS came at a price. James got very sick, being guilt ridden and overstressed at work as he work many hours and into the early mornings trying to build a new department. Without any apparent explanation his internal organs began to swell and he was hospitalized for 10 days in a foreign country – to our surprise, with no insurance as promised by his company that could be utilized there. I stayed by his side; even though my pride at times told me to leave.
The lies didn’t stop there. We returned home to the US for medical treatment on a medical leave of absence from his new job, just 5 months after our departure – and the lies continued. As he began to speak of the omissions he’d purposefully left out, I interpreted everything he had to say as lies too. Worse yet, his addiction had lead to an encounter with a married couple, before we met and we had to deal with the very real possibility that he might have fathered a child with the other woman. But thankfully that was not the case; although we both very much wanted to do the right thing, if that had turned out to be true. Thus, that being said, I was the next one to get seriously ill, after that.
James lost his job abroad and we were very much under spiritual attack and the situation got a whole lot worse, before it was ever got better. I almost left James on a few occasions as I interpreted everything he said to be an excuse. But the Lord obviously had a lot of work to do within me too to get me to listen and stop taking offense to everything that was being said. So, James’ prayers were obviously answered too. For if we could all truly strive to have a heart like His, wouldn’t the world be a better place? That’s not to say that forgiveness is a viable option for everyone and I’m sure God understands that too with him being the loving and compassionate Savior that He is.
True enough, James did hurt me and I had every right to be mad, hurt and feel violated: mind, body and soul, because I felt like I’d lost the soul mate that God had intended for me all along and a lot of time. I truly felt dead inside and void of all emotion as we both began to take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. But at least according to God’s love for us, James also had the right to fully understand his misdeeds and try to explain them to me; even after I’d discovered all the lies he initially told and the lies since.
So the long and short of it is there can’t be true recovery and a rebuilding process without accountability, responsibility and true remorse. One can not partake in sins of the past, bring it into their future if they want true happiness and a truly fulfilling relationship. What may seem to be an innocent, harmless or acceptable activity online can easily and quite quickly turn into a compulsion and addiction that can adversely affect every aspect of one’s life. After all, the internet is the devil’s playground, as he is always ready to try to come into our lives by any means necessary.
It’s like we were under attack, even after the biggest and most damaging revelations had been discovered, and probably at our most vulnerable point. The devil will not always use the most obvious things to enter into or manipulate our lives. But, he will attack us at our most vulnerable point – that much you can be sure of, and he will use any and everything he has to work with at his disposal.
James’ vulnerabilities, making him an easy target for attack: With James it was his fear of being unworthy of love and his fear of being hurt – so much so, that he couldn’t commit to anyone, let alone his own desire to have a meaningful relationship with another human being, after being so hurt by his abuser. For he had appointed himself protector over both himself and his mother and felt powerless to change anything given the situation of his father’s worsening mental illness and battle with Schizophrenia – and that’s a lot for any kid to take in. There was quite a bit of guilt associated with that and his obvious limitations, due to his young age and stature. Besides, it’s customary within any family unit that the father is to be the protector.
James always wanted to be a man of God. He always wanted to be a man of integrity. At one time he wanted to be a preacher and he wrote beautiful sermons, standing in for his pastor. (I know because I read them!) But later in life he suffered rejection at the hands of…for lack of a better word, “a former fiance” and an abuser who cheated on him and that made him feel very unsure of himself, making him question whether love is even a valid concept.
Tori’s vulnerabilities, making her an easy target: Whereas, with me it was my fear of being betrayed, unlovable (not good enough), or even unworthy of love, for I’d endured many years of abuse at the hands of almost everyone I knew. I’d endured abuse as a child and as an adult and in several different dynamics. I was abandoned and abused by my biological family with 5 sexual predators living in the same household as me. I went to foster care and was made a ward of the state, where I was violated yet again; then, only to be abused the third and ultimate time as child, by my adoptive family. I lost my children to an abuser and my life had been riddled with subsequent abusers ever since.
I felt like there was no end to it; even though, I remained faithful to God, was an acolyte in my church and taught Sunday school for preschool aged children. At one time, I even wanted to be a nun, thinking no one could ever love me like Him. Then, when God brought James into my life, I rejoiced at the opportunity and the wonderful gift He’d given me. I never for one second doubted James’ love for me, until that fateful day and after that doubted everything and questioned everything, up and until God helped me to see past my pain and into His promise for me.
Moral of the story being: Life is never easy and it’s not without it’s lessons and the devil always knows what he has to work with even if we don’t, even if we’re in denial or not prepared to see the portals that have been created for him to enter into our lives. But he also knows he is weak in the eyes of God and that makes him work even that much harder when people turn away from sin. So, don’t think you are free of his grips when you begin the recovery process. Work more diligently than ever and stay the course, relying on God to help see you through. Stay in the Word!
James is in counseling now and I am committed to standing by him in his efforts to overcome his sexual addiction and his tendency towards compulsive lying, which is a whole issue unto itself, as the compulsion to lie requires both compassion and understanding too. For it is not by way of condemnation that one is going to overcome it and there is a fine line between enabling a person and offering support. But much like repenting one’s sins, the compulsion to lie requires one to admit to it; thereto, striving to do it no more, much like repenting one’s sins to the Lord and you have to stand on a good foundation and stay in the Word of God to achieve this, remembering the scriptures like Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” which applies to us both or anyone dealing with an issue such as this. For it is not by way of our own strength (or pride) that recovery is possible but only by way of God.
With God’s help, James has opened up to me a great deal and even a little more with each passing day. I’ve learned to listen with discernment, not being judgmental, but realizing we’ve got a long way to go to work through this process, as thereto God has been and will always be with me and us in this situation. For He is our only source of light through the darkness and whereas worldly counselors might fail, He will not. So, just like us, always turn to him and stay in the Word of God, living accord to the Word of God everyday. That’s why we would say, when facing a problem such as this, it’s not enough to go to church every time the doors are open. You like us, might consider making Bible study a part of your everyday life, because there is strength in the Word and it helps reinforce us, in knowing that every day is a battle (it’s spiritual warfare) and we need God to overcome this and all things.
It’s so important for anyone that is battling any kind of addiction that stresses their marriage, relationship, livelihood or otherwise to seek out the proper counseling or resources that it’s going to take to overcome this condition. We’ve all been given free will and it’s our responsibility to make choices that are beneficial to not only ourselves but our loved ones or those we take into our midst. Whereas, the devil’s only objective is to kill, steal and destroy. So, with God’s help this too we shall overcome and please know we’re praying for you all too, because quite honestly a lot of your stories brought us to tears and a lot of them offered us encouragement too. Where ever this journey takes you, we pray you arrive safe in the assurance of God’s love for you and we wish you peace, love and joy. Thanks for listening and God bless you! :D :D ~ Tori & James
(USA) I had a discussion about this with my husband today. My husband has been asking me repeatedly to watch porn so I can learn what to do during sex. This is my first marriage and his second. He has had a lot of sexual partners and is very experienced. I am not. He gets upset that I don’t watch porn. I finally stood up to him today and I said that if I am striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman, porn has no place in our marriage and in my life. He disagreed. He said that I need to watch it to learn and mimic the women on porn and other T.V. shows. I stood up to him today and I felt better. He also said that a husband expects certain things from his wife sexually and she should fulfill them. I said that’s true but the wife has to be comfortable as well. She shouldn’t do something that is hurting her or being forced to do. He still doesn’t agree. He said that a person that doesn’t want to watch porn has no interest is having sex or learning about sex.
We live in a house that is a church on Sundays. My husband’s father is a pastor and we live in a sacred place that involves other people coming to church, even young people. I want to ask my husband if there is a couple that just got married, and they have this issue and they come to you for Christian advice, would you tell them to watch porn?
I planned a nice Valentine’s Day for my husband. I dressed up really nice, had candles, nice music, and danced a little for him. I did the best I could. He told me that what I did for him on Valentine’s Day was good, but I didn’t put my best foot forward. I said that we had fun though. Even though we danced funny, we were enjoying one another. He said that you should put your best foot forward when it comes to Valentines Day and not wait the last minute to do something.
I didn’t wait the last minute. I made him feel special with what funds I had and with what I could do. He tore it down my making that comment. Mind you, that he took me out to dinner and I loved it. It was a last minute plan, but I loved him for it. I didn’t tell him he should have put his best foot forward and take me to an expensive restaurant. I appreciated what he did and loved him for it. What is wrong with what I did? I guess it wasn’t on the level of past girlfriends and ex-wife and porn. I need some help and advice.
Do not lower yourself to your husband’s porn standards. They are not God’s standards. Don’t try to do what he wants out of lust…if you get more flamboyant it should come through love.
(USA) Great Article. Please continue to spread the word about Pornography Addiction. The following article was published in our local news outlet about a couple and their fight to overcome addiction.
http://www.rhyllcroshaw.com/recovery-from-porn-addiction-is-possible/
You can learn more about the couple by visiting
http://salifeline.org/steven-and-rhyll-croshaw-speak-about-pornography-addiction/
(USA) Wow, it is ridiculous that so many men have been lured by the devil into allowing such a demonic spirit to destroy their marriages. I am in the same situation and disgusted by my husband’s behavior. I will continue to pray for all our marriages because the devil is busy working to destroy.
I knew something was wrong when a simple argument became a reason not to make love for 2-3 weeks. God has a way of revealing this to us. Women, pay attention to your husbands’ actions and attitude. They are very easy to figure out–always making excuses of being tired, always turning a little argument into a huge case, blaming you for everything/wrongdoing, always on his high-tech phone, and stops calling you during the times that he used to call you from work, are signs. Do not be naive, please pay attention. This is an addiction that is destroying many families. May God help us all
(USA) Yes, Jackie — you are right: men and visual porn is a huge problem. But go to bookstores and magazines racks at major retail stores all across the world and you will find aisle after aisle of trashy, sensual and usually pornographic romance novels. Are these God-honoring? And who is the major consumer of them: men or women? In fact, there is no male market for such books and magazines because the publishers have figured out that many women illicitly desire soft porn in the context of relationships. In turn, this has caused of whole new genre of female porn to be produced.
Impurity comes in a lots of forms and it isn’t just on the cover of XXX magazines and websites geared towards men. The Apostle Paul said that there is not to be even a hint of sexual immorality. I have seen such books on the shelves of my own mother’s home. And by the way, she’s elderly and Christian.
(USA) Yes Ed, I agree with what you are saying but at the same time, this is not “battle of the sexes” whether male or female. It is about identifying the problem of porn regardless of gender and dealing with the it and the problems that it ultimately creates in relationships. No gender is exempt when it comes to the issue of pornography but the question is how can we effectively deal with it, and help our loved ones on the path to recovery. How can we as Christians confront these issues and overcome the plan of the devil who is using this vehicle as a way to destroy our marriages. Let us continue to pray one for the other as we embark on this journey together. ~Blessings~
(USA) I appreciate your sensitivity and your tone Stacey — that is exactly my heart as well — restoring emotional and sexual wholeness in our marriage relationships. What I get frustrated about are blanket criticisms by one gender towards another. I realize that some of the female posters are extremely hurt and angry about the actions of their wayward husbands. But it does no good to make blanket denunciations about the character and intentions of men in general (as I have seen frequently from the female commenters on articles like these).
Many men, like myself, are diligent about putting on the identity of Christ and putting off the old man and his corrupt passions. True sexual wholeness cannot occur unless we are honest about how all of our thoughts and actions are affecting the entire continuum of purity. If the emotional perversions and sexual addictions of men are cleaned up in a large scale fashion in our society — guess what? — there will still be a problem with the emotional perversions and sexual addictions of women (unless it is claimed that they don’t exist).
Are the proliferating internet affairs and chat lines just going on with men? — Not when the percentage rate of affairs is sitting at 60% for both men and women (read the Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughn). We are all part of the problem and all part of the solution — not just one gender.
(USA) I have been married for 12 years and I have had to deal with my husband looking at magazines, internet porn, chatting on chat lines, advertising himself as single and looking for someone to teat him as a boy toy. I have heard his messages myself and cannot get them out of my head. I have seen his ads on line with his real picture and it makes me sick. I am at the point where he says he’s learned his lesson but it’s hard to believe that he can just stop cold turkey. He refuses to explain himself and tells me there isn’t a reason he does it which makes it even worse.
How do I move past this and trust him? I love him but I’m disgusted and frankly I don’t like him touching me. I have emotionally detached from him and I can’t deal with the trust issues anymore. He is constantly finding new ways to do things behind my back. If anyone can help me please let me know!!