Most of us go into the Christmas season thinking it will be a fun, meaningful time for us as a couple and as a family. But then, it happens. We step onto or into a verbal landmine and the explosion takes us completely by surprise. And yet, as therapist Kristin Marie Bennion points out:
“We have all been there. We begin a meaningful conversation calm, cool and collected and with the best intentions. Then it happens. We are suddenly migrating a verbal minefield. Our heart is racing, face turning red. The other person has, in what seems like the blink of an eye, morphed into the enemy. His or her words are now potential bombs, and it’s war.”
And who wants to suffer through that? What happened to the “peace on earth, goodwill towards men” aspect of the Christmas season? Well, Bob and Yvonne Turnbull (of Turnbull Ministries) want to share what they have learned with us. Perhaps it will help us to settle into a more peaceful place where we can celebrate the Christ of Christmas with thankful hearts and joy. They write:
Preventing Family Land Mines at Christmas
We so very much enjoy Christmas and everything about it: The twinkling lights, good music, delicious food, lots of fun activities, and getting together with family and friends. As the song says, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.”
But, unfortunately, the reality for too many of us is that it can be one of the most stressful times fraught with land mines that can go off unexpectedly. Over the years we have implemented some things at this time of year so that we will not step on those land mines. The following are some simple tips that will help you prevent family land mines. We both wish you a joyous and blessed Christmas.
Discuss Expectations
When expectations go unspoken conflicts can occur. To overcome this, we have a family [or marital] meeting as soon as possible and develop a plan. Discuss, pray and be in agreement with where and with whom you’re spending Christmas — how many activities as a family you will be involved in — and — how much money you’re going to spend at this time of the year.
[Concerning this issue, Paul Byerly (of the Doing Marriage Well ministry) suggests, “If you or your spouse feels enslaved by any holiday tradition, have an honest talk together. Don’t make it about good or bad or her [or his] family versus your family; talk about what works and what doesn’t and what needs to change to have a holiday season that is sane and fun. Then talk to family as needed. Approach it from the point of ‘this is what we need to do for us’ making it clear it is not a rejection of anyone.”
Also: “If you’re facing an unusual holiday season due to illness, injury, financial hardship, or loss, it’s important to carefully set your expectations for the season before it arrives. Often, it’s the disappointment of unmet expectations that makes it hard for us to adapt to changing circumstances. If you know this year is going to be different, start setting your expectations for that change as early as possible. The sooner you and your spouse are able to accept what’s going to change this year, the sooner you can get creative about how you want to approach it. One important thing to keep in mind is not to compare this year to past years. That’s going to be difficult, but it will also help you set your perspective going forward.” (Drs Les & Leslie Parrott, from their article, “Ways to Prepare for a Not Typical Holiday Together”)]
Set a Budget and Stick to it!
Over-spending at this time of the year can end up hurting you for months in the new year. We decided a long time ago to set dollar amount limits on the gifts we would buy. We didn’t want to go into debt for a bunch of stuff that most of us could not even remember a few months after Christmas.
One year we all decided that the gifts that we gave to one another had to be handmade. Everyone’s creative juices started flowing.
Yes, it was a very different year, but the response was wonderfully and warmly received. Everyone still remembers what was given to them. True, we only did that one year (and partially again one more time), but it was a fun experience.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Have you noticed that the best laid plans don’t always go according to plans? One Christmas Eve dinner, the fish that was being served to family and friends turned to mush. Bob jokingly said, “Oh well, we can at least drink the fish.” We all laughed and realized that there was plenty of other foods available. We’re fully aware that many millions of people throughout the world won’t even have our special one-day meal in a month’s time in their village. Or for even a longer time.
We also realized that the meal was not the important part of our day together. But rather, it was the lingering conversations we had at the dinner table, including some years we all took turns around the table, one by one, saying a prayer. We had prayers from 3-year-olds to those in their really late years.
Extend Love and Forgiveness to Family Members
When we come together as family, we often idealize family relationships. This often means that we keep thinking the relatives will be different than they were last year. However, if we’re realistic, we’ll be more relaxed and can have a better reaction to possible negative situations.
Here’s an example: Let’s say your sister criticizes your cooking; simply smile and extend grace and forgiveness. When your uncle goes off about your Christian beliefs, as he always does, don’t argue. Diffuse him with a smile and say, “Well, I can see you feel very strongly about your views.” And then change the subject. That is extending love and grace.
A verse that has meant so much to us in settings like this is Colossians 4:6. We’re told, “Let your conversations be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer EVERYONE.”
In Preventing Family Land Mines: Nip Stress Before it Starts
Make getting enough sleep a priority for if you don’t you won’t have either the energy or mood to enjoy the holidays. Don’t overindulge in foods high in sugar and fat as this can stress your body.
One of the best ways to de-stress is to spend time DAILY with Jesus through prayer and reading the Bible. When we do this, He really helps us to keep our priorities in line during this busy time of year. Also, others will sense His presence in you and can be drawn to Him. What a great gift to give others this holiday season!
…………..
To that, we say, amen! We want to thank the Turnbulls for sharing their tips with us. We’re most grateful for this precious couple!
Lastly
We would be remiss if we didn’t share something that has inspired us as we look to “the reason for the season” — celebrating the birth of Jesus, our precious Savior! Jim Burns wrote the following that we hope you will join us into putting into everyday practice:
“I’ve declared this Christmas the ‘Christmas of my First Love’ where I’ll help my spouse and our family shift our focus from the mall to the manger. The manger is quiet and less crowded. It’s a place where children are always welcome. Spending time here will help our family to keep our eyes and hearts fully focused on Jesus.”
May it be so, Lord Jesus; help us to make it so!
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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