Questions From The Other Woman

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Have you ever wanted to know what the other woman or the other man, who is involved in adultery is thinking? It’s inconceivable for many of us to understand how they could justify their deceitful behavior with someone else’s spouse. Despite what the adulterous spouse says or does to make this affair happen, it’s still confusing.

The Other Woman or Other Man

Just what IS this person thinking to make their actions work within their minds? Why would they think this person won’t cheat on them in the future?

When you see the devastation that is caused in the life of families that are torn apart because of infidelity, it’s difficult to imagine that anyone could justify their actions. How could they be involved with an infidel, even if they are “charming” or “seem” to be a victim in their marriage.

Author Anne Bercht, often receives letters from “the other woman/other man” involved in adultery. And many times she writes them a response to their questions.

In the article provided below, Anne addresses three separate letters from women who wrote to her of their affairs. They are asking her for insights and assistance.

We believe you will benefit from reading what Anne has to say and gain helpful insights. It is posted on the great web site for the Beyond Affairs Network:


If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair

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39 responses to “Questions From The Other Woman

  1. (USA)  I never cease to be amazed at the lack of empathy on the part of people in general (although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because we are all human after all). I’ve heard so many times of people whose loved ones commit suicide, saying something to the effect of "How could they do that to us?" How could someone who is now dead at their own hand do that to you? My impression is how can you be so blind to someone who is hurting so immensely that they would rather take their own life than to stay alive on earth and then the family or friends have the nerve to blame the person??

    How selfish is that? How self-absorbed was that person’s family or friends that they never stopped taking their eyes off of themselves long enough to notice someone who was in so much pain they’d rather die than keep enduring? Here’s an alternate view – how about, instead of blaming that person, say how could I have stopped it? What did I do to contribute to that person’s pain? Was there anything I could have done differently or to help them out of their depression?

    The same goes with the intro above. I’m shocked and downright dismayed that the attitude of the person whose spouse is having an affair is so blind to the more serious marital problems……affairs are symptoms of a much greater problem. How about we get over ourselves long enough to think bigger and try to be part of the solution since most of us are part of someone’s problem at some point in our lifetime.

    I’m really quite concerned at the statement in the paragraph above:

    "It’s inconceivable for many of us to understand how they could justify their deceitful behavior with someone else’s spouse—no matter what the adulterous spouse says or does to help or make this affair happen."

    If it is so inconceivable to someone that their spouse is having an affair then I have to wonder how much concern they really showed toward their spouse before the affair if all they have is "inconceivability (read, lack of empathy)" afterward.

    I come from an abusive marriage. This is, in part, not in whole, what led me to look for affection elsewhere. I disagree with anyone who has so little empathy that they think I’m a bigger sinner than they are because I was so desperate for arms to hold me, not hit me, and lips to kiss me, not curse me out regularly, that my actions were somehow "inconceivable." Really? Come on.

    I’m not excusing my past sins, nor am I making blanket generalizations that every affair happens because of abuse in a marriage. My point is that if everyone (or even only one) out there is saying they can’t conceive how affairs happen, even in extreme cases of abuse in the marriage or a partner who only has sex once a month so that the other spouse goes looking for sex elsewhere, then how blind and uncaring are all of us? And how dare any of us sit in judgment of someone else when you, as the non-infidel spouse, certainly might have done something to prevent it. Perhaps this is not the case but my guess is that it is the case in most marriages.

    Wake up people. Someone who is in a happy, fulfilled relationship doesn’t go out looking for affection elsewhere. That’s a fact.

    Be part of the solution, not a contributor to the problem, or even a bystander who is so bewildered by the "inconceivability." When you think about it, it’s not really that inconceivable at all if one takes the time to analyze, not out of their own feelings of anger, but out of a love for the greater good and making a marriage better.

    If I could accept my husband’s blaming of me (albeit incorrectly) for his abusive behavior toward me, because I was so bewildered by it and also because I wanted so much to find a solution and a way for peace in my house, then certainly those out there whose spouses cheated on them can find it in their hearts to have a little bit of introspection on themselves (as well as pity for their spouse) to see what, if anything, they might have done differently, but more importantly, what they can do to move forward and create healing.

    It wasn’t until God stepped in and told me that the hitting was wrong. Up until that point, I accepted my husband’s blame onto me (for more than a decade) that his anger was somehow my fault. It isn’t. But that still doesn’t let me off the hook for doing the best I can do as a spouse, in love and in the desire to let Christ live through me.

    If none of us can have any empathy for others, how can we possibly expect God to have mercy or pity or empathy for anything we feel as the victim of whatever our spouses might have done to wrong us?

    God bless.

    1. (USA)  LT, while I sympathize with you regarding the abuse you suffered at the hands of your husband, I have to ask: instead of the affair, WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE?? I am not judging you but seriously asking and trying to understand the true reason.

    2. (CANADA)  There is never any excuse for ABUSE. In the same regard, there is no excuse for extra marital affairs without a clear understanding between the couples themselves. Yes, it does work for some, for whatever the reason. In this case about justification for emotional needs as a human being… yes we do need support, love and understanding… not another man, when we are unhealthy.

      Anyone in an abuisve relationship needs emotional healthcare… called counselling, may need legal guidance and perhaps protection… not another partner, although sometimes these people take the place of the others. Is it good for the additional partner? Not usually, just like any transitional relationships are ever great for those who don’t consider they are the transition not the real deal.

      If you are an extra marital affair for someone… do a little reading about what you are actually functioning as and know the gamble you are taking at the the cost of your own broken heart. It isn’t like there are a mere few men available to you that you can love and commit to without all the emtional stimulation of having something you really can’t have… a bit of addictive behavior here to watch out for. Great to be asking lots of questions, it means you are trying to make good choices. All the best, Anne

    3. (USA)  LT, I was not an abuser to my cheating spouse. He will tell you I was the only friend he has EVER had, his mother included and the few women he had even this “w” used him for money.

      I have not enjoyed sex with him since trying to conceive our last child in 2001. He hated the sight of me (and people compare me to the models on mag covers). He was so hateful, critical and rude. Turned our children against me and opposed every word or idea I had. When the “w” came to his job in 05. He stopped wearing his ring. Wanted a private e-mil and began sleeping on the couch. He went to lunch with her and always paid. Took her in my car and made comments grabbing his crotch that if I didn’t do him someone out there would. Yes, I know but for money. All this while claiming Christ and teaching Sunday school.

      My 23 years with him was filled with abuse, verbal emotional and even physical and I asked him to leave before stating that he refused to honor God. It was clear what was in his hear to do with the first that would and yet would still allow him to soil me after weeks of hearing how I wasn’t submitting. That would be a muslim not a Christian. We are to submit one to another.

      He slandered me to every human that would listen, our kids included and ripped me apart. When this happpend no one believed it as I had never spoken one ill word of my husband to anyone. I lifted him in prayer and demanded my kids respect him. They would say “if you only knew what he said of you.”

      After the act he would wash up, go back to the couch and make sure I knew he took a shower before work and being in her presence again. None of this even begins to tell you all of what he did and he says he saw me as every girl that rejected him and used him and took it all out on me. I would be making his dinner, house clean homemade cake on the counter and he would come in glaring at me. He and my kids told me to go to my room and I did. Cried myself to sleep nearly every night and prayed for my own death as a way out.

      I’ve never been as lonely or humiliated as I have been being his wife and if anyone had an excuse for seeking kindness, warmth, love or even a smile from another, it was me and he admits all of this. He did this back in 94 too. Unsaved then but I saw no difference in him ever.

      Things are different now but at such a high price. If I had cheated on him, anyone would have said I was justified but I made a vow to everyone and God to forsake all others and I am a woman of my word. God says there is no sin that we all haven’t seen and we are capable of resisting. It is a choice! We are all accountable for our sins and cannot blame anyone else for our action. Peace><>

    4. (USA) My husband had never been very nice to me. He fits the Abusive Traits Guy down the line. Had an eye for all that moved because he never had much luck with women. His two ex’s dropped him flat on his face until I came along, then they were interested again.

      In 2005 someone else looking for a high earner came to his job. He’s an engineer for a huge name you would all know. She befriended him although was ridculing him behind his back. I KNEW the day would come when she was desperate enough for money that she would turn prostitute. It appears she’s been let go of other jobs for the same reasons and has an arrest record for that and scamming the elderly. As soon as she had him convinced she was his godly friend, he stopped wearing his ring, slept on the couch and wanted a private e-mail. I lived 5 years with him coming in looking at me like he would love to kill me and I knew why.

      Another day of the two of them slandering their spouses. This went on daily for 5 years. If not face to face, via phone or e-mail. Her husband dumped her after a few diseases and critter infestations and has custody of their 3 year old, which my husband sealed that deal turning on her in court. Oh, to see her face when she realized he was there on behalf of her ex! A man that betrays the God he claims, wife and kids and the stranger thinks they are going to get any better from him? That shows how ignorance.

      The second she made the offer, he jumped. She was not at all under those clothes what he though and failed. Even more furious he went back and tried again. Failed and she confirms that. She was getting every dime out of him that she could. Fortunately it was pocket change to us. He says in restrospect she was so ate up with covetousness about me right down to my hair and is very full of regret.

      For the first time in his life he is afraid to die becuase he knows when he sees God he has to explain how he hated me for decades although I gave him the chance to get out of it. I was tired of the abuse, being alone, lonely and crying myself to sleep every night but he enjoyed hurting me and our kids it seems.

      Tried to turn them all against me but I still demanded they respect him. Made our 15 year old hate my guts and as hard as he tries he cannot reverse it.

      Check out the Abuser section here. That was my husband and yet treated everything out there with what seemed to be love and adoration. He carried on at work witnessing about Christ while carrying on as buddies with this chick who told everyone she could get anything she wanted from him. Proud and arrogant she was and he took her to lunch in all out vehicles but especially my personal sports car so all his words of Christ made him the laughing stock and pushed the lost even further away.

      He’s an even bigger laughing stock now that she’s told everyone how horribly she used him and that he couldn’t perform. He never had that problem with me but hard to do all that when he’s so full of hatred and sleeping on the couch. I even came out begging him to just spend one night, crying. Swallowing my pride pleading with him, not that I wanted sex so bad, it was all about what he wanted anyway but I was so lonely it was horrible. A kind word from anyone would have been nice. A hug?? ANYTHING other than his hatred but he refused and told me he would destroy me the first chance he got and why? All I ever did was care for him and his family and he’ll tell you very well. He destroyed all of us, himself included.

      We all sat to watch home movies one night after this happened and you could see the glare of hatred when he looked at me, spoke to me when I walked away and I kept a smile on my face. Having our kids in 3 different decades, I seemed to always have a baby and a very little one. I stayed busy so I didn’t break down. I was aware of it but that’s how it had always been. My kids were old enough to see it. One asked him if there was ever a time when he loved me. My husband had tears welling up in his eyes.

      I stopped having friends AT ALL! He was like a puppy humping their legs and it was just a matter of time before one went for it with him. Early business trips before he claimed Christ, I suspected things. Early 90’s I called his motel in MI at midnight and a giggling female answered. He now doesn’t remember but then said it was housekeeping. One trip to Japan since Christ he said there was a piece of tape on the phone with “Massage” and he called it. They meant for it to read “message.” He swears he said he asked the other guys about it but he told me he called it, so had it been a hooker he would have done it then.

      Talk about a lonely life. And I have always honored him taken care of us all and my appearance. I wish I could show you a picture approaching 49. People comment wherever we go and it’s as if he’s seeing me for the first time. My kids say “People have always done that with her daddy. Gee, where have you been?” Walking 10 feet ahead of me noticing others, that’s where. If anyone had justification for an affair it was me but there is no justification for it-EVER!

      Although he’s changed, none of it will ever go away. That is how grief works. A piece mssing. God says we are one flesh and when you let another in and it is Satan, it splits that body down the middle. Leaves it there, bleeding and dying and see what God calls it. Listed right there with murder and blasphemy. He made that marriage with his own heart, who thinks they have the right to destroy it?

      I begged him to come back to our bed, he will tell you I did everything I could, it was the devil in him at work so no, I will not own any part of his hatred and abuse then 21.5 years. We’re headed for 24.

    5. (UNITED STATES) I was the betrayed wife. It is NOT a fact that a person who is in a happy, fulfilled relationship will not look for affection elsewhere. Going through the divorce, I discovered that I was married to a serial cheater. He cheated when things were great and he cheated when things were not great. Some people are just serial cheaters and THAT IS A FACT! We have already been devastated to the core by the betrayal. Now we have people telling us that it was our fault because we weren’t meeting some need in our spouse.

      What need was I not meeting when he was going over to his best friends house and having threesomes with the friend and his friend’s wife? I don’t think this type of behavior is someone seeking affection, compassion, attention or anything else that they may claim to be lacking. This is someone that is looking for a deviant thrill.

      1. I agree. I believe it is due to lack of character. Lack of integrity, compassion and deep empathy are characteristics he does not have. I feel sorry for the other woman who believes in his lies, she has no boundaries for herself and in a sense they are perfect for each other.

    6. I get it; I lived it. I know what you said is true from experience as well… I think we need to stop being judges and learn better to ask why…

    7. I agree that both the unfaithful spouse and the other man/woman lacks empathy. How would each feel if he/she was the recipient of the betrayal?

    8. I think it’s absolutely disgusting to blame an innocent and faithful spouse for someone else’s lack of control, moral and self control. Your statement is false because if one spouse is being unfaithful the innocent spouse is missing something and not getting their needs met as well but they stay faithful. Don’t victimize the victim. We make our own choices and no situation can make anyone do anything, let alone cheat. Just like you can’t make anyone be faithful.

  2. (USA)  LT, Sometimes the person who is unfulfilled hides it or diminishes it. I know I sensed something when my former wife seemed unhappy, but I’d ask, and she would say, "Everything’s fine"

    So you cannot, nor should not assume that if someone has an affair, that their spouse missed the signs. Just the opposite. Remember, affairs are built on deceit, so if someone is cheating and usually are hiding that, how much else did they hide from their spouse?

    Sorry, you cannot blame the victim here. You cannot shift the blame to the betrayed spouse. You cannot assume that the betrayed spouse missed something or wasn’t providing the right things.

    The very fact that someone has an affair is an indicator that the unfaithful spouse either doesn’t know how to properly ask for something or has been hiding things from the betrayed spouse. They may have been hiding their needs, or their dissatisfaction, or their resentment, or their lack of respect for their spouse.

    But I will not sit here and do nothing when I see a blatant blame shift.

    I will not argue that unfaithful spouses want something. What I’m suggesting is that they are not using a healthy means to achieve their desires. There MAY be problems with the betrayed spouse as well. However, once there is an affair, that is the biggest problem in the marriage, and until the affair is stopped and the unfaithful spouse drops her entitlement attitude and begins to work with her spouse, nothing will change for the better.

    Affairs are drugs, they are addictions and it’s a selfish action for a spouse to engage in an affair. Marriage is not an entitlement based relationship. Yet all of this talk about if he would have loved her, met her needs, etc and she wouldn’t have cheated is not a healthy way to run a marriage. It’s keeping score, it’s blaming the victim and it’s offering excuses for a selfish and abusive course of action.

    Knowing how much I loved my former wife, how much I tried to be the best husband possible and still being betrayed, leaves me sick when I read about how it’s uncaring, unloving, etc to wonder how someone could betray another so much.

    Do you think Christ is unloving? Yet He’s betrayed and rejected.

    Sometimes you merely have to call it what it is, even if it’s not pretty. Affairs are an ugly, selfish and abusive way to get one’s needs met.

    You can try to blame the victim all you want, but it doesn’t change that fact.

    The entitlement attitude of my former wife, one she still carries today has about worn out my ability to have empathy. I’m thankful that some men and women can get over themselves and end their affairs. I have empathy for the spouses, BOTH spouses who are facing a difficult road to put their marriages back together.

    I have even MORE empathy for those who are betrayed, and are never given an honest, straight answer, who tried, sought the wise counsel of Godly men and women, and were left wondering why their spouse didn’t just go to them with their needs, instead of running off to another man, and filing for divorce.

    That is who my heart really goes out to. The one who has been abused as bad as being raped, who was abandoned and betrayed by the one most trusted, who was cast away by the one to whom they gave everything.

    I have empathy. I know what it’s like to be betrayed and abandoned and wondering how I could have better loved my spouse and wondering if she wouldn’t be better off without me, and collecting my life insurance, and wondering if I could even live without her.

    I have empathy.

    1. (USA)  I was raped in my early teens, but what my husband did to me was 100 times worse and I sincerely mean that. He risked my life and that of our children, risked his own soul in hell and for one that was using and slandering him. He gave her everything that belonged to God first and then me and he refused to ever give them to us. He was one with her and told her he was in love with her. All in a 12 day sowfest that resulted in two failed attempts because as he puts it “he could not get past the sight and smell of her” how does he try again? He was the one God gave me to to trust and care for me. I never trusted or loved the first rapist and he did not hurt my children. Don’t forget Jesus wept over the betrayal of a friend and He is God.

  3. (USA)  Hi Tony, My original post, on this page, was not to you or any specific individual. It was generic in its nature. I’d like to clarify that my point, which you seem to have grossly misinterpreted. It was that people, all of us including myself, need to find more empathy and compassion in ourselves. For both sides of the coin, not just the apparent "victim" of any situation. The innuendo in your "shifting the blame" interpretation of my post is offensive to me.

    If you feel you already have empathy, then I’m perplexed at your need to respond at all and point it out several times (the fact that you have empathy). If you feel you have empathy, then the message I wrote wasn’t for you.

    I’d appreciate it if you did not direct anymore comments to me, personally, in the future. I find your tone more antagonistic than uplifting, and I tend not to agree with most of your opinions anyway. My impression of your previous comment to me as well as other comments you have left in the past, is that you are waiting to "pounce" on people, including me. It makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable.

    Please respect my request to refrain from directing future comments to me personally and I will do the same for you. Thank you, in advance.

    1. (USA)  Lt, I don’t think Tony was directing anything to you. I am the betrayed spouse. Are you by any chance the betray-er! I thought so. Betrayal of your spouse is the most despicable courage-less act one could do on the face of the earth. I told my husband why not burn down the house, kill, go to jail, rob a bank?

      We faithful spouses who thought our dreams came true when our betrayers walked us down the aisles, we love them anyway, poor miserable souls that we are. We love them. They wake up one day and decide they aren’t content, aren’t happy, can do better, someone looked –LOOKED –at them. My oh my.

      I told him all along he was my ideal, my dream, sexy, my hunk. I wasn’t jealous, I thought he loved me. He made me feel like the most lucky girl in the world. We had love, which others could only possibly dream to come close to. Well, live and learn.

      I was wrong. I don’t care to be wrong. I appreciate the fact that I know how shallow he is, what he is capable of, how he doesn’t know how to love, and his idea of love and mine is very different. I never want to give up what I know to be of love. Love over trumps everything. You do not forget someone you love. You do not hurt someone you love. You do not put them aside for your selfish pleasure; and you don’t feel ‘oh well, no one will know about this little indiscretion’ because all that matters in life is that you yourself KNOWS.

      And you can’t go on pretending that you have something you don’t, that your marriage is okay or better than okay when in reality it is a farce. So don’t say Tony attacked you. If the shoe fits, well then it fits. The truth hurts. Get your heart right if that is possible. My cross is forgiveness, cause I just don’t know his heart. Only God does. And I don’t know about regret (regret that it ended, regret that it didn’t turn out as skeamers have planned).

      I feel bad for my husband cause I do love him. That can’t change with sins, or years, or miles, or confessions, or redemptions?? Whatever betrayers call it –insanity. Anyway, when you love someone, really love someone you want what they want, and I would never knowingly share my man. But I’m very sorry she didn’t play for keeps. She used him and wha wha wha.

  4. (USA)  LT, I am addressing your post directly. As I am from the United States of America and believe in the first amendment, I believe in exercising that right freely.

    It’s funny you should mention empathy in your first post, because in my experience perpetrators of affairs seem to lack empathy, especially where their spouses, children, and other family members are concerned.

    The first time my husband cheated was when I was 8 months pregnant, and as a Christian woman I was able to show immense empathy towards him and understanding; but he did not reciprocate and he repeated his actions in an emotional affair when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child (and while we had a three-year-old son). I wasn’t the angry spouse who threw out the clothes… I listened and vowed to work on all aspects of marriage that made him “unhappy.” But what about what made me unhappy? What about what was best for our children?

    My husband did not seem to care, for again, he engaged in another affair. This time with someone from our church.

    I did not know what was going on at the time, but suspected. You talk about “pain” to the extent of wanting to die–that’s what I felt. But my husband was so emotionally (and at times physically) unavailable that he didn’t notice.

    When the affair came to light, my husband talked to family, and his father actually condoned the affair in a way–saying it ran in his “genes.” His father had cheated on his mother. In your previous post you said that the abusive marriage was in part cause for your affair. I discussed this with a friend whose parents had both been drug addicts (and abusive).

    What we discussed was that there are plenty of people in abusive marriages who come out of them without affairs (they learn healthier ways of coping); there are plenty of people who come from parents who’ve had affairs who remain faithful to their spouses (ie. my own father); and there are people whose parents were drug addicts who never try drugs (i.e. my friend). When we know the difference between right and wrong we HAVE A CHOICE. With God there is a clear right and wrong, good and bad, there’s no half way between.

    Was your husband’s hitting you wrong? YES. Was your affair wrong? YES. Two different acts. I was sexually assaulted at age 18 and left my church. Did I know that leaving the church was wrong? YES. I had to ask God’s forgiveness for this. Being molested was not an excuse for this behavior.

    I am not anyone’s judge, and wouldn’t want to be. But we will all stand accountable for our actions one day, and we have a choice. We can’t change the past (we can only ask forgiveness), but we can choose our future. Good luck and God bless.

  5. (NIGERA)  Some of your posts are so ridiculous it’s amazing. Why do you all want to condone behaviour which is totaly unacceptable? It’s because you want to hang on to marriages that are based on lies and deceit. You are all afraid to move on. The posts here are mainly by women who are always giving excuses for the men they are married to.

    FYI these men will never change or stop the affairs because you keep on letting them get away with it. Do you even consider the other woman in your selfishness? Do you realise that some of these women are deceived by your so called husbands? Some are not even aware that these men are married?

    It is all well and good for you to say you forgive him and you’ll take him back, but what about her? He has effectively ruined her life, possibly made a child with her and all you can say is that you’ve forgiven him and will take him back as long as your life is not disrupted, but what does she do? Do you even care? You’re all so self righteous and hypocritical, it’s sickening. Reality check: THE MAN WILL NEVER STOP having affairs SO DONT DECEIVE YOURSELF!

    1. (NIGERIA)  Would you rather advise the wife to divorce the husband? Marriage is not just like any dating relationship. Before a woman makes a decision on issues like this, she puts her kids into consideration and also God. I want to say here that if a woman is still in love with her husband it becomes really difficult to let him go because of cheating. With prayers, men can still change.

      My husband cheated on me 2 yrs into our marriage. I almost died of the pain, but after a long while I forgave him. I don’t want to know if he may still cheat, all I know is I forgave him and am loving my marriage now. When we see older couples celebrating 30-50 yrs in marriage we look at them and envy them. Do you think they did not go through such times? They did but they were able to walk through it, and now they are growing old together and enjoying each other’s company.

      When kids are all grown and out of the house think of the lonliness one will feel when there is no companion to chat with. There are so many advantages in keeping your marriage going, especially when a husband begs for forgiveness and shows remorse.

      Patricia, I believe if you read your Bible very well, you will see that as a good Christian you must forgive. One time or the other you’ve sinned. And if God could forgive us, who are we not to? Those young girls who find themselves in such a situation as you stated in your comment, should turn to God to heal them and help them get over it and move on. Someday they will find their own partner who will love them for who they are. I know how hurting the knowledge of a husband’s unfaithfulness is because I have suffered it, but please wife’s, try to forgive and put God first and the healing process will be over someday.

    2. (USA)  Patricia, I make NO EXCUSES for anyone! The problem is that people take a few verses of scripture like “Jesus died to pay our sin debt” and” we are all born sinners” to excuse sin. That is NOT what God intended, that is the devil’s teaching!

      There are very few that feel as we do though. Not our planet! Jesus was hated by the churched and the unchurched and he says we will be hated by ALL for his namesake! If one is jiving along with the world, they are of the world. Make no mistake about it.

      Jesus died for the sinful nature we were born into. The sins we commit after receiving the knowledge of Christ will be judged and anger for being betrayed is a God-given emotion. Jesus wept over the betrayal of a friend. When your spouse commits adultery it is forcing you into a vicious dirty sex act with someone you would not touch. RAPE and rape of your children and of God. Jabbing that spear into the side of Christ on the cross of Calvary (that is why God classifies it with murder and every other horrible thing) but this is the devil’s world and people are taught from a pulpit rather than reading for themselves. Read Proverbs and Peter what adultery is. Filthy animals and that is scriptural!

      Whether you are married in a church of the court house you SWEAR to love and honor FORSAKING all others. When you violate that you are a thief and liar. Rapist and abuser and in violation of every single commandment making that person your god. That is Blasphemy and it just does not get any worse than that!

      Love is putting another before yourself. Adultery is feeding you own selfish desires no matter what. It is purely of the devil and what is a person that goes after one that cheats on his/her faithful spouse after? A lying, cheating, back-stabbing, sell-out. Again, that is Biblical. A reprobate heart! God uses those very words and if anyone needs references from the King James Bible, I will provide them.

      People say to me, “You aren’t over this yet?” and in the next breath “I’ll be d**** if I’d take my spouse back after some dirty stranger was all over and in them.” They do not even realize the words coming out of their own mouths. Lack of empathy. Forget sympathy and God says “Only a fool answers a matter he hath not heard” that means experienced too.

      The Old Testament is not to justify our sin but to reinforce what not to do, but sadly “men love darkness rather than light. Unrighteousness rather than righteousness.” They called Jesus self-righteous too. God does not say not to judge but to be sure you have all the info. He even says that the righteous shall judge while the unsaved have no right to say anything. One that goes year after year with the thoughts that lead to this and “fellowship” with those of the anti-christ cannot be of God. They have to slander to do this and that is of God and their own flesh. Who is the author of that?

      I’m glad to find someone that speaks it like it is and feels as God does. Jesus is clear that many think they are saved but are not. Workers of Iniquity and that is not a fleeting stumble but years of per-meditated slaughter. And my husband admits it. I realize customs vary around the world but God and his word do not. The KJV makes it clear that the only time divorce is allowed is in adultery. I’m not right, God is. He is the final authority and while I know he wants us to work it out if possible that is a break for the victim, finally putting the ball in our court.

      Forgive means you give up your right to get them back, not condone or excuse. You cannot undo defiled (raped) and the grief never goes way because it is a piece missing. We were “ONE FLESH” now torn asunder. He was one with her and was willing to pay any piece to be with her but in the 5 years as a co-worker he laughed and slandered her too, A double spy, not to be trusted by anyone. She was foolish enough to think he who could not be trusted by me could be by her? He cost her everything by turning evidence against her but that’s what you get with Satan. He has no friends!. In 22 years of marriage that’s more than he ever gave to me, God or our kids. How do you get over that?

      It is NOT OKAY and there has to be a final authority. For me that is The God of Israel and it is all written for those that would read it!!

      1. (USA) AMEN! …How refreshing to hear someone who is not afraid to speak what is truth regarding the Lord is judge and his WORDS according to Jesus are that which ‘judges every man in the last day’. We have the priviledge of being able to take an ‘open book test’ in regards to learning what is GOD’S point of view on all things that pertain to life and godliness.

        Adultery is not only wrong it is the only violation which at one point brought the death penalty physically …but it IS a huge sin that kills regardless of the way man now seems to have ‘softened’ the recompense IN THIS LIFE.

        Forgiveness exists but one must apply it to life through not just admission of sin but CONFESSION which acknowledges what God’s view of it is and the damages done …which is then seen in terms of ‘fruit’ which is a CHANGE of heart, attitude and thus behavior …a desire to learn and practice right thinking …choices.

        My husband …we are still married….32 years …14 of which he deceived me with an OW and the two of them had TWO children …planned. Darkness abounds …I raised my kids …homeschooled them …His behavior produced two of what may become part of the ‘other side’ since their mother is “OF the WORLD” and is teaching and training them up in the new age religion.

        My husband’s decent into this impoverished state began with his turning his back upon the Lord, the word and any associations with anyone with any respect for God, morals and marriage. There is no middle road in terms of lordship …either Jesus is Lord or man’s flesh and the world …the flesh and the devil.

        God help those who refuse the merciful interruption of their sinful choices and refuse to acknowledge their need for repentance …which God’s grace allows them the time and ability to change.

        So far …I am still waiting …all of us are dealing with the ongoing drain upon our lives, finances [as he is still responsible for those kids …they did not deserve to be born into this situation!] and his heart is now ‘dead’ by his statement and behavior.

        A sad state …Jesus told the Pharisees who asked about ‘could they divorce their wives for any reason ‘ …He told them that from the beginning it was not so but MOSES allowed for it “BECAUSE of the HARDNESS of their hearts.’ Hearts become hard when self and lust enter in …when people believe that THEY are the ‘center of the universe’ and are ‘entitled’ …not because they don’t love their spouses [!!!] but just because they want ‘something more’ …what vile influences we have around us in todays world. ALL are accountable for what they do with the TEMPLE which is their own bodies …and in marriage that includes their spouse as they have been made “ONE FLESH” with them.

        Jesus told us that ‘know ye not that your bodies are the TEMPLE of the HOLY TEMPLE”!! We saw how he felt about the money changers in the old temple building …HOW do you think he feels about the violations of the temple of today which is THE BODY of the person!

        Thanks for speaking up and speaking out …our world’s media have long since NOT demonstated the pain and destruction of this kind of thing… A blended family in our culture has required of children of divorce to ‘accept’ and thus ‘normalize ‘ a sinful relationship formed from adultery …UNLESS the marriage is from widowhood.

        The two adulterers go to groups to ‘help’ them teach their children to accept their sinful decision to divorce and marry with no biblical foundation. Thus people such as my husband assumed that the children of his adultery could be assumed into our family if and when his adultery was found out!

        Not the same thing …but that was the deception that led HIM to agree to have children with this wicked woman who only desired ongoing income as she saw him as a man who would not abandon the financial support of children he had! VILE activities this!

  6. (UNITED STATES)  I am very ashamed to say, I have had a hand in splitting up a marriage. At first I didnt consider myself as the other woman, just a woman who saw what she wanted and went for it. If there was a way that I could say I’m sorry to all the ladies here, and it meant something, I would. But I know that I’m sorry is not gonna cut it.

    I know and knew better. I have a position in the church and the man I pursued is a minister. I took advantage of the fact that I knew he and his wife were having problems, even though I know that God can step in and work anything out. That is what I have preached from my own lips. My heart was hard against what I was doing. I even had the support of people from the church who went on to say, he was having problems anyway, he is practically single if he is seeking a divorce. But I had pride in what I could have with him and the position he held and had our lives planned out. I felt like God had given me another shot at true love after what I had had blown up.

    I am an advocate for married spouses working it out, for outsiders to “not put asunder” the marriage vows. My God is working on me and I am planning on doing what is right in my God’s eyes.

    1. (USA)  I’m praying for you and the couple. The enemy’s plan is to steal, to kill and to destroy, not just the marriage, but the affair participant’s lives and their walk with the Lord. God restores, He forgives repentance and He uses our lives to impact others.

      The woman my husband had an online affair with, only knew him through a Christian discussion group. She knew he was married. This group’s purpose was supposedly to discuss Christian books. After the affair (phone sex and cybersex) was discovered, I found out that much of what was discussed in this group was personal, that most of the members are women and few are married. They encouraged each other to view themselves like a Bible study, i.e keep ALL “prayer requests” confidential.

      As the hallmarks of an emotional affair are emotional in connection and secrecy, it is easy to see how involvement in this group was harmful to our marriage. Our counselor finally told my husband she believed this group was toxic for our marriage. Since most of the people are now friends on facebook, we are still experiencing interference in our attempts to heal. My husband broke off contact with his affair partner and her children (yes, they both involved their children). Her friends and a family member of hers still private message, text, and email my husband.

      I wish that there was repentance visible. I was told to be encouraged that he still agrees to counseling and is s l o w ly moving toward restoration. One year later my husband finally said “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Unfortunately he yelled it at me. It is however, the first time in our 33 year marriage that he hasn’t demanded that I appologize to him for something he has done.

    2. (USA)  To Kimberly, I have read what you have said. Now I’m not here to bash your head in about what you have done, sin is sin, and you let the devil come right on in. These people had taken vows and God hates divorce and honors marriage even though you have confessed what you have done.

      You and this pastor still will have to stand before God. You have defiled a marriage bed that you should have never entered in the first place. So please don’t use God like that. He did not cause you to sin. And as far as these people in your church, they just like you, don’t know the word of God. Read matthew 19. It says that if a man divorces his wife and marries another he and this woman committed a sin which is adultery because in the eyes of God he is still married to his 1st wife.

      It also says that his wife cannot remarry. She has to remain single or reconcile with her husband and yes, you weren’t called the other woman, you were called a harlot who has sinned against God.

      Now, as for the people who attend this church, I will pray for God to cover you and to put a hedge of protection over you. This pastor and you should have been asked to step down from your positions at the church. God can and does restore marriages.

      Remember this Kimberly, you reap what you sow and sow what you reap. God said in his word vengeance is mine, says the Lord. I pray that you don’t get married and this happens to you. God bless you.

  7. (USA)  I am “the other woman”. How did I get here? Well, I met a man at work that I was instantly and extremely attracted to. I should have avoided him because of this, since we are both married. But I chose to not avoid him.

    The body chemistry involved in attraction can be very strong–like some sort of drug. It can be addicting and very difficult to overcome. I moved away from this man–far away. I felt so bad for my unfaithfulness that I wanted to die at one point. My husband did not deserve my unfaithfulness. He is a good husband to me.

    I’ve tried to stop communicating with him, but we still talk. I need to find the strength to stop. I know God can help me. But I’m afraid this will be a long battle and it will take all of my strength. But with God, I know that all things are possible.

    Also, I know I have the opportunity to repent. Remember the woman taken in adultery was about to be stoned? Jesus said to those who were present to stone her to let he who was without sin cast the first stone. One by one, all of the woman’s accusers left. Jesus told the woman to go and sin no more. She had the opportunity to repent, and so do I.

  8. (USA)  To Kimberly, I want to say something to you from one child of God to another. I wasn’t calling you a harlot. These are what women were called in the Bible. All of us have been tempted by the devil. He is conning and also knows the word of God.

    Kimberly, just keep trusting God. He will work out everything for you. And when you feel something tempting you, call on the name of Jesus. Tell the devil he has to flee in the name of Jesus. Use the words of God on him. The devil is playing for keeps and knows one day Jesus is coming back for his church. I am not talking about a building, I am talking about children of God who don’t have a spot or a blemish.

    Remember God sees, hears and knows all that we say and do. Confess and repent. I make mistakes as well, and God knows I’m not perfect only he is. I do not want the wrath of God coming down on me because of foolishness and pride.

    To everyone be blessed and tell God how much you love him, and that you are grateful that he let you see another day. Thank you, Father God in heaven, for this day. You didn’t have to wake me up this morning but you did. I thank you and I praise your holy name. In Jesus name I pray, thank you Lord. Amen.

    1. (USA)  I’m not big on candy-coating anything when innocent people are destroyed. God is very clear what any married person that does this is.

      Please see Proverbs ch 23 makes it very clear as does 2 Peter 2-2 and God’s words are harsh but he does says that ALL scripture is profitable for correction, instruction and reproof but many don’t like the “bad” parts and that is the devil’s preaching. No fear, no consequences, Jesus dies for all the sins you want to commit so there is reason to live right!! RIGHT??

      God says that a man that does this is dog licking up his own vomit and she is a sow in excrement. That is exactly what is written and anyone that has ever been through this knows there is a literal stench on those people.

      Hollywood romaticizes it but even my husband said it was dirty, vile and akward so why would anyone choose to put that title on themselves?

      We are all tempted and God says there is no sin that we haven’t all faced or that we are capable of resisting. I honor boundaries and have tried to teach my children that in spite of their dad. He knows he is/was selfish and rebellious and I doubt he was saved but sure hope he is now.

      I refuse to get into a conversation with any man that pertains to intimacy and anyone that desires to live in obedience to God and keep their word would do the same thing. We all know better and had every chance to do the right thing some just choose to do exactly as they please no matter who they hurt. Those that get off so easily are destined to do it again as we see. God says to stay on it and that the victims anger leads the perpetrator to repentance.

      God does say we all reap what we sow and eve more so this will come back to everyone whether repentant or not. I feel very sorry for those because they are without excuse and look what it cost David!

      He says “wicked children of disobedience and wrath” and having watched my kids broken and sobbing as this other thing harassed and threatened all of us was just too much.

      Trust me, God is very merciful because in his word he says that this is murder and anyone that shed innocent blood then by man shall his blood be shed!

      1. (USA)  I’m so sorry at the end of my second paragraph, I meant to say “so NO reason to live right.” God says that people that have sex outside of marriage are Fornicators. Those that do so with married people are, and brace yourself, it’s really in there and 12 times just in that part of Proverbs alone… and I’ll use the letters “W” and “w-mongers”

        Do you know how many spouses have been infected and/or died from HIV/Aids or their quality of life deeply affected by other STD’s? The CDC’s site makes those numbers available. That, in my state qualifies for attempted murder. People have no right to do that. Their bodies are not their own; they belong first to God then their spouses. That is written in Scripture too. The married should not make promises they cannot keep and if some of us are able to honor our vows, we are all capable.

        Those that dislike the names attached to their behavior (and we are what we exemplify in our actions) should sincerely have thought of that. They may be victims of the devil’s too but we are that and then victimized and slandered by our own flesh as well as the devil. Calling a kettle black is not judgement, that is discernment. God-given wisdom. Jesus says we may tell a tree by the fruit it bears.

        He puts a family together and blesses them with children and it is a gift. Those that destroy it by their selfish lusts have said “I don’t much care for your gift God and while we’re at it, I don’t like your rules either-WATCH ME destroy it and do as I please” That is Blasphemy and It really just is what it is.

        Read 1 Cor 6-9 for starters on how God hates this and then all the other references. He says those that do this are unbelievers and will not inherit the Kingdom. The “woe unto anyone that offends a child…” my kids were nearly killed in this. In many ways. It is all standing against God as His enemy. I’m just reading what He has written.

  9. (USA)  While I once was signing my comments as “Just Me” I want to clarify that this is not the same “Just Me” as in me, the wife that was cheated on. I have asked Cindy to change my user name to “Pavrone,” which you will now see in my signatures from now on.

  10. (USA) I finally bought a book I could not say the name of. I’m struggling through but I’m so desperate to feel better I’ll do anything. The author states that this “other women” is her sister and that is incorrect. We are all God’s creation but we are not all his children. Some are born to do the devil’s bidding and God says that he is filling his cup of wrath against them. We are all born enemies of his, prone to do evil and only by the saving grace of the shed blood of Jesus Christ do we become His children.

    There are only two kinds of people “Saved” and “Lost” and we are not to have any dealings with the Lost or the unfruitful works of darkness. Not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers so this female that continues on in her adultery with whoever will give her money is not my sister. I have prayed for her.

    1. It’s true what you said about not all being the ‘sister’ or ‘brother’ of Christ… it’s only those who DO the Father’s will, which is to believe on the one who was sent… Jesus Christ.

      – Mat 12:48: But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and who are my brethren?
      – Mat 12:49: And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren!
      – Mat 12:50 For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

      Here is the “Paternity test’ for those who are the children of GOD.

      – 1 Peter 1:23: Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever
      – Galatians 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

      What is a good test of what is LOVING???

      – Rom 13:10: Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

      Adultery and fornication VIOLATE the LAW of GOD concerning what HE defines as ‘LOVE” …having sex with anyone not your own spouse is NOT LOVE …it KILLS because sin kills and it is a sin. INTENTIONAL SIN by an ACT of the SELF WILL is DEADLY. It is not love to USE someone else for sexual pleasure… It is NOT love to neglect the command GOD gave MEN to love their wives.

      God calls upon MEN to demonstrate how Christ loved the Church …faithfully, sacrificially, loyally, consistent and singularly. Sex in marriage was to be a FRUIT of relationship not a ‘right’ to demand while other sinful rebellious behavior was going on. Using people for self gratification is sin …even in marriage! Perhaps ESPECIALLY in marriage.

      All people belong to GOD therefore any man who marries is with a vow claiming to take responsibility for the condition of his bride …all of her …her body, mind, soul, emotions and growth in all ways GOD has invested in her.

      A woman is the ‘glory’ of a man just as Jesus is the glory of a man and to be his HEAD …if a man refuses to obey his HEAD he will not be sufficiently satisfied with the wife because he is directing his attention away from where GOD has told him he would find his intended fulfillment as he grows in areas that his loving service to GOD by way of his relationship with his wife is STEWARDED.This is a type of stewardship that’s a direct aspect of his relationship with GOD.

      Relationship is HUGE in the economy of godliness. If a man refuses to learn to love GOD, which is a change of his identity as a natural man to a born again son of God …then learning to adjust to the transition of identity from single man to married man is going to be more than difficult …next to impossible.

      Most women don’t marry without the understanding that they will need to do a lot of adjusting and giving. My own husband DECIDED to close up because he wanted to retain his identity as a single man and do whatever he wanted to without any accountability… He wanted all the frosting but none of the work… same in every adultery situation he got into. I tried to engage him to find out what he liked, what he wanted …and mostly all he wanted was to have me read his mind and have all the freedom to get more of everything he already had in me and our family.

      Just like Adam and Eve …they HAD everything that the Serpent offered them but were blinded by deceit that they did not have what they DID have due to the suggestion that GOD was ‘withholding’ from them! As they say “If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence it might just be because there has been a lot of ‘fertilizer’ spread all around there and perhaps when up close you can see the same ol weeds that are back at home!”

  11. I just need prayers for my husband to stop cheating on me and for God to deliver him from the spirit of adultery and the spirit of seduction that his lovers have that’s causing him to look to women for sexual pleasures instead of seeking his wife alone. Pray for God to deliver him and save his soul from destruction. Thank you.

  12. My husband cheated as soon as he turned 50 with a woman that my family and I befriended. Then lied, backstabbed me to his family and my 9 year old son was forced to tell me. He wasn’t even MAN enough to be honest! I trusted him with my life for 24 years. I was a good wife, mother, cooked, cleaned and even went to a part time job as the kids got older. It just makes me ill. My 13 year old daughter is devastated and all the trust is gone!

    1. I am so sorry you have had this happen to you. I am 9 years from D DAY …3 of which he walked out on me and our two daughters. I have been reading Rejoice Marriage Ministry materials online. They encourage restoration. I am standing presently but there are issues that are a must for any reconciliation since my husband lied for most of our marriage and cheated. He had two children during one arrangement with a woman who is still siphoning off our finances now brought to pay check to paycheck from our once very secure income.

      He moved out and lives nearby but does not want any communication with me. My daughters and I saw him with yet another woman who he said he has been dating and she thinks he is divorced. We have been married now 35 + years …and I do not believe in divorce. All our retirement is gone. His job has been reduced a great deal.

      The book of Proverbs is true through and through but he has yet to believe it. I have taken these years to study the Word more deeply. 47 plus years following Jesus for me and study of the Bible by His leading.

      This life is too short to bail on the Lord for what? I pray for my husband to repent but I have had to leave it up to the Lord. My husband is a very skilled liar. The Lord said that the Father of Lies is the Devil …and those who serve him are the ‘children’ of him …not a great identity to have.

      So though I have loved my husband I don’t think he is going to become trustworthy over night …and so far his ongoing behavior does not promise much …but then we are to allow for the chastening of the Lord to come about and so I asked the Lord to do so. Without repentance there is little hope for him.

      I pray your own husband will turn from this deception that he is in …there is not one day I do not miss what was promised to me and us at the altar. If a person doesn’t care what GOD thinks then it’s not likely they will care about whatever anyone else thinks or suffers. Compassion seems to be for everyone but the ones he promised to care for. Sad …but Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you as you follow Him and obey His Word.

  13. It has been a year since I caught my husband. I’m still tortured with hate for him and the other women. I have two small children and can’t understand how two grown people can be so selfish… or how I could be so blind and marry such an insecure selfish man. I have thoughts of bashing both their skulls in, and the only thing that stops me are my children and my mom, who is dying from cancer.

    See, while I’m taking care of a 5 year old and 3 year old, and a 59 year old dying mom, and being a housewife, my husband felt his needs weren’t met, and went else where. I roll my eyes to the child I married. His mistress told me that if I was satisfying him at home, he wouldn’t have strayed. There is no satisfying a man who doesn’t love himself. The kids and my mom are the only reason I stay today, and the only reason Mark and Paula are still walking upright.

  14. My husband and another woman are hating on me. Also I am so scared now because I have the feeling they are planning to get rid of me not matter what. The affair is getting to a point that she has moved into an apartment back to our house. Please God, undo any relationship between them. Jesus Christ protect me with your blood and do not allow them to see each other without a fight that finishes in a total break up making him hear her and disappear for ever and never back again. Amen.

    1. He denies all. He said I’m crazy and he only loves me but I am scared that the woman does not have scruples and could do something really evil, nasty and or negative to me.

  15. I agree with the comments that the blame is on the spouse “who missed something.” I was a victim of a serial cheater who tried to blame it on me and my withdrawn behavior for which was caused by his destructive, damaging behavior. And then I later found out he had been cheating almost our whole relationship which was 13 years! I did and gave him everything in me.

    Cheating is a choice not a solution. Walking away is a solution and usually the best choice when you aren’t happy. I’m also an example of knowing it’s not easy to walk away when you aren’t happy, but I know that if I had cheated that would have been a choice and not something that would solve the real issue. I absolutely have no sympathy for cheaters. I’m a firm believer that someone who cares or presumably loves someone would not do anything to hurt them. Cheating is content of character. Says a lot about someone who can look at you every day with deceit in their heart and continue with their selfish actions. We all are a little selfish at times but when it holds the integrity of someone especially a loved one at stake that’s just evil and dark.