Seven Questions To Ask If Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

Photo credit: blu27. / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA
Photo: blu27. / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

The following questions were put together by Dr Phil McGraw when he was interviewing engaged couples that were cheating on their spouses-to-be. Below them, we’ve added a few summary statements. However the Seven Questions Dr Phil discussed could also be applicable for those who find out their spouses have committed infidelity. We hope you’ll prayerfully consider them as you think about reconciling because they could really help you in this type of situation:

An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. Dr. Phil McGraw has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.

1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern?

2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?

3. Does he have insight into how he’s hurt you or is he oblivious?

4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?

5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?

6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene? [Marriage Missions Editors Note: By this question Dr Phil is asking if the family has a pattern of infidelity in it, because as he said, family patterns can sometimes manifest themselves in future behavior of the children that grow up in it.]

7. Is this a legacy or new behavior?

The previous seven questions you asked of your partner.

One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.

On his web site, Dr Phil has other related information that he makes available to help with this type of situation. Even though this isn’t a Christian web site the information is helpful and for the most part it doesn’t conflict with Biblical principles. Just use the gleaning principle that is discussed in Marriage Message #252 if you question any of it.

— PLUS —

Here are 10 more questions, based on those posed by Shirley Glass, which could also help you as you’re dealing with this issue:

10 Questions to Ask After An Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (Part 1)

10 Questions to Ask After an Affair for a Christian Marriage to Recover (Part 2)

— ALSO —

On there is an article posted that will help you to spot whether your spouse is lying to you and could either cheat on your again or is cheating on you now:


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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair

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46 responses to “Seven Questions To Ask If Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

  1. After 24 years of marriage my husband decided to have an emotional affair with the stay at home mom who lives across the street, this went on for nearly 10 months unbeknownst to me. This was over 3 years ago, I am still having issues with getting over it. He seems impatient and insensitive to my healing. Always making quips on how the women in our neighborhood/small town all seem to want him. I am still hurting and very sensitive to these off color jokes he makes about it.

    He says I need to take responsibility for MY part in the breakdown of our marriage which led to his affair, but I am having trust issues because nearly a year after he told me “broke it off with her” he made contact with her again behind my back. He says it was to let her know that it wasn’t right to have the affair at all and all the ugliness that came about from her husband finding as well and it was all innocent for MY protection.

  2. Dear Dr Phil, I have not had an affair with anyone. The women or lady was past with a friend of ours. The man she was seeing told my wife something about her, which is unknown to me. The other day in the supermarket the women gestered a wave in my direction. My wife immediately snapped out! I do not have the time in my life for such an affair. I have treatments three times a week the other days I’m with my wife!! Please help!!!

  3. Hi I have been married 7 years. We are both 55 yrs old. I was suspicious of my husband cheating at work, so I put a minni tape player in his lunch box. The first day when she walked in the building he called her his hero. They immediately started kissing she told him she’s in love with him and he said, I love you; I can’t prove it to you. I’m trying as hard as I can. And he is still denying it. Why won’t he just tell me the truth?

    1. Hi Peggy, I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I truly feel for you in this situation… therefore here is my answer. Your husband won’t tell you the truth because he’s probably very scared of losing you. The truth is, the forces driving an affair are so strong, that even though he knows it’s wrong, even though he knows it is dangerous… to break free of an affair is extremely difficult. Does your husband know that you are aware of this conversation? I had (I’m ashamed to say) on-line affairs through Facebook, which were ended now 11 months ago by me and my wife through writing letters together. I was very afraid of telling my wife the truth. But I knew I had to do it at some point in time. I will tell you, it was VERY difficult to give up these relationships… even though I love my wife first and foremost, and I said this to the affair partners as well. Thank God these are now ended. I am not proud of them and know I have to be very careful in this area in the future.

      Perhaps you need to carefully make up your own mind about what you want to do next. I believe that your husband needs to know that he cannot keep this up without significant consequences which you are prepared to implement. What should NOT happen is that he retain the conviction that he can keep on doing this without any changes in his life with you. How you do this is a matter of prayer and counsel from friends and family with whom you can freely share these issues.

      I hope these words help Peggy… and I hope for a positive outcome here. Perhaps the following websites will be of help? See what you think:

      Take care Peggy. May God bless you and keep you these days… WP (Work in Progress)