Shattered Vows: Getting Beyond Betrayal

Hold on to your wedding ring. It is difficult, but not impossible, to repair the damage caused by betrayal. Increasingly, that’s what couples want. But let go of most of your assumptions. In an interview with Editor at Large Hara Estroff Marano, leading expert Dr. Shirley Glass challenges just about everything you think you know about this explosive subject.

Q: What is the single most important thing you want people to know about infidelity?

Dr. Glass: Boundaries. That it’s possible to love somebody else, to be attracted to somebody else, even if you have a good marriage. In this collegial world where we work together, you have to conduct yourself by being aware of appropriate boundaries, by not creating opportunities, particularly at a time when you might be vulnerable.

That means that if you travel together, you never invite someone for a drink in the room; if you just had a fight with your spouse, you don’t discuss it with a person who could be a potential partner. You can have a friendship, but you have to be careful who you share your deepest feelings with. Although women share their deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes intimate and emotional, men tend to sexualize it.

Q: Is compartmentalizing characteristic of people who get into affairs?

Dr. Glass: It’s much more characteristic of men. Most women believe that if you love your partner, you wouldn’t even be in an affair. Therefore, if someone has an affair, it means that they didn’t love their partner and they love the person that they had the affair with. But my research has shown that there are many men who do love their partners. They enjoy good sex at home, but nevertheless never turn down an opportunity for extramarital sex. In fact, 56% of the men I sampled who had extramarital intercourse said that their marriages were happy. This is in comparison to 34% of the women. That’s how I got into this.

Q: Because?

Dr. Glass: Being a woman, I believed that if a man had an affair, it meant that he had a terrible marriage. I thought that he probably wasn’t getting it at home —the old keep-your-husband-happy-so-he-won’t-stray idea. That puts too much of a burden on the woman. I found that she could be everything wonderful, and he might still stray. That’s true if that’s in his value system, his family background, or his psycho dynamic structure.

I was in graduate school when I heard that a man I knew, married for over 40 years, had recently died and his wife was so bereaved because they’d had the most wonderful marriage. He had been her lover, her friend, her support system. She missed him immensely. I thought that was a beautiful story.

When I told my husband about it, he got a funny look that made me ask, “What do you know?” He proceeded to tell me that one night when he took the kids out for dinner to an out of the way restaurant, owned by one of his clients —that very man walked in with a young, blonde woman. When he saw my husband, his face got red, and he walked out.

Q: How did that influence you?

Dr. Glass: I wondered what that meant. Did he fool his wife all those years and really not love her? How is it possible to be married for over 40 years and think you have a good marriage? It occurred to me that an affair could mean something different than I believe. Another belief that you only have so much energy for something. By this belief, if your partner is getting sex outside, you’d know it, because your partner wouldn’t be wanting sex at home.

However, some people are even more passionate at home when they are having extramarital sex. I was stunned to hear a man tell me that when he left his affair partner and came home he found himself desiring his wife more than he had in a long time, because he was so sexually aroused by his affair.

Q: What research have you done on infidelity?

Dr Glass: My first research study was actually based on a sex questionnaire in Psychology Today, in the 70’s. I analyzed the data looking at the relationship of extramarital sex, length of marriage, and gender difference on marital satisfaction and romanticism. I found enormous gender differences. Men in long term marriages who had affairs had very high marital satisfaction. Women in long-term marriages having affairs had the lowest marital satisfaction of all. Explaining these gender differences was the basis of my dissertation. I theorized that the men were having sexual affairs and the women emotional affairs.

Q: Are affairs about sex?

Dr Glass: Sometimes infidelity is just about sex. That’s often more true for men. In my research, 44% of men who said they had extramarital sex said they had slight or no emotional involvement. Only 11% of women said that. Oral sex is certainly about sex. Some spouses are more upset if the partner had oral sex than if they had intercourse. It just seems so much more intimate.

Q: What is the infidelity?

Dr Glass: The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy. You then gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it. It doesn’t feel special any more, because you shared something that was very precious to us with someone else.

There are gender differences though. Men feel more betrayed by their wives having sex with someone else. Women feel more betrayed by their husbands being emotionally involved with someone else. What really tears men apart is to visualize their partner being sexual with somebody else. Women certainly don’t want their husbands having sex with somebody else. But if it’s an impersonal one-night fling, they may be able to deal with that better than if their husband was involved in a long-term relationship sharing all kinds of loving ways with somebody else.

Q: Why are affairs so deeply wounding?

Dr Glass: It’s because you have certain assumptions about your marriage —that I chose someone, and the other person chose me. We have the same values. We’ve both decided to have an exclusive relationship. And even though we may have some problems we love each other and therefore I’m safe. When you find out your partner has been unfaithful, then everything you believe is totally shattered. And you have to rebuild the world. The fact that you weren’t expecting it—that it wasn’t part of your assumption about how a relationship operates, causes traumatic reactions. The wounding results because I finally thought I met somebody I could trust.

Q: It violates that hope or expectation that you can be who you really are with another person?

Dr Glass: Yes. Affairs really aren’t about sex. They’re about betrayal. Imagine if you were married to somebody very patriotic and then found out your partner is a Russian spy. Someone having a long-term affair is leading a double life. Then you find out all that was going on in your partner’s life that you knew nothing about. Gifts were exchanged, poems and letters were written. And there were trips you thought were taken for a specific reason that were actually taken to meet the affair partner.

To find out about all the intrigue and deception that occurred while you were operating under a different assumption is totally shattering and disorienting. That’s why people then have to get out their calendars and go back over the dates to put all the missing pieces together. They wonder when you were going to the drugstore that night and you said your car broke down and you didn’t come home for 3 hours, what was really happening?

Q: This is necessary?

Dr Glass: In order to heal. Because any time somebody suffers from a trauma, part of the recovery is telling the story. The tornado victim will go over and over the story. They tell “when the storm came I was in my room” —trying to understand what happened, and how it happened. Didn’t we see the black clouds? How come we didn’t know?”

Q: And so they repeat the story until it no longer creates an unmanageable level of arousal.

Dr Glass: Yes. In fact, sometimes people are more devastated if everything was wonderful before they found out. When a betrayed spouse who suspected something says, “I don’t know if I can ever trust my partner again,” it’s reassuring is to tell them that they can trust their own instincts the next time they have those storm warnings. When things feel okay, they can trust that things are okay. But if somebody thought everything was wonderful, how would they ever know if it happened again? It’s frightening.

Q: What is the sine qua non of an affair?

Dr Glass: 3 elements determine whether a relationship is an affair. One is secrecy. Suppose two people meet every morning at 7 A.M. for coffee before work, and they never tell their partners. Even though it might be in a public place, their partner isn’t going to be happy about it. It’s going to feel like a betrayal, a terrible deception.

Emotional intimacy is the second element. When someone starts confiding things to another person that they’re reluctant to confide to their partner and the emotional intimacy is greater in the friendship than in the marriage, that’s very threatening. One common pathway to affairs occurs when somebody starts confiding negative things about their marriage to a person of the opposite sex. What they’re doing is signaling: “I’m vulnerable. I may even be available.”

The third element is sexual chemistry. That can occur even if two people don’t touch. If one says, “I’m really attracted to you.” Or says, “I had a dream about you last night, but I’m married, so we won’t do anything about that.” That tremendously increases the sexual tension by creating forbidden fruit in the relationship.

Q: Do affairs ever serve a positive function —not to excuse any of the damage they do?

Dr Glass: Affairs are often a chance for people to try out new behaviors. They dress in a different costume, stretch and grow and assume a different role. In a long-term relationship, we often get frozen in our roles. When young couples begin at a certain level of success and go on to achieve all kinds of things, the new person sees them as they’ve become, while the old person sees them as they were.

The unfortunate thing is that the way a person is different in the affair would, if incorporated into the marriage, probably make their spouse ecstatic. But they believe they’re stuck. They don’t know how to create that opportunity for change within the marriage. A woman who was sexually inhibited in marriage —perhaps she married young and had no prior partners —may find her sexuality in an affair. But her husband would probably be delighted to encounter that new self.

Q: How do you handle this?

Dr Glass: After an affair, I don’t ask the question you’d expect. The spouse always wants to know about “him or her”. “What did you see in her that you didn’t see in me?” I always ask about “you.” “What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?” How were you different? And, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?

Q: Do people push their partners into affairs?

Dr Glass: No. People can create a pattern in the marriage that isn’t enhancing. And the partner, instead of dealing with the dissatisfaction and trying to work on the relationship, escapes it and goes someplace else.

Q: That is the wrong way to solve the problem?

Dr Glass: Yes. There are some gender differences in the ways partners handle problems. Although everything we say about men can be true for some women, and everything we say about women can be true for some men. Generally when a woman is unhappy, she lets her partner know. She feels better afterwards because she’s gotten it off her chest. It doesn’t interfere with her love. She’s trying to improve the relationship: “If I tell him what makes me unhappy, then he’ll know how to please me. I am giving him a gift by telling him.”

Unfortunately, many men don’t see it as a gift. They feel criticized and put down. Instead of thinking, “she feels lonely. I’ll move toward her and make her feel secure,” they think, “What’s wrong with her? Didn’t I just do that?” They pull away. If they come in contact with somebody else who says to them, “oh, you’re wonderful,” then they move toward that person. They aren’t engaged enough in the marriage to work things out. The partner keeps trying, and becomes more unpleasant because he’s not responding.

Q: She becomes the pursuer, he the distancer.

Dr Glass: When she withdraws, the marriage is much further down the road to dissolution. That’s because she’s given up. Her husband, unfortunately, thinks things are so much better because she’s no longer complaining. He doesn’t recognize that she has detached and become emotionally available for an affair. The husband first notices it when she becomes disinterested in sex —or after she’s left! Then he’ll do anything to keep her. The tragedy is that it’s often too little too late.

Q: The opportunities for affairs have changed radically in the past 20 years. Men and women are together all the time in the workplace, and workplaces are sexy places. You dress up, you’re trying your best, there’s lots of energy in the air.

Dr Glass: And you’re not cleaning up vomit or the hot water heater that just flooded the basement. And it’s not at the end of the day, when you’re exhausted. Also, you’re working together on something that has excitement and meaning. One of the major shifts is that more married women are having affairs than in the past.

There are several reasons. Today’s woman has usually had more experience with premarital sex, so she’s not as inhibited about getting involved sexually with another man. She has more financial independence, so she’s not taking as great a risk. And she’s working with men on a more equal level, so the men are very attractive to her.

Q: What do people seek in an affair partner?

Dr Glass: Either we choose somebody very different from our partner, or we choose somebody like our partner used to be, a younger version. A woman married to a really sweet guy who helps with the dishes, who’s very nurturing and very secure, may at some point see him as boring. She gets interested in the high-achieving, high-energy man who may even be a bit chauvinistic. But if she’s married to the man with the power and the status, then she’s interested in the guy who’s sensitive and touchy-feely, who may not be as ambitious.

Q: Is this just the nature of attraction?

Dr Glass: It has to do with the fact that people really want it all. We have different parts of ourselves. The other flip-flop in choice of affair partner reflects the fact that the marriage often represents a healing of our family wounds. Somebody who lacked a secure attachment figure in their family of origin chooses a mate who provides security and stability.

It’s a healthy, resilient part of ourselves that seeks that balancing. But after we’ve mastered that, we often want to go back and find somebody like that difficult parent and make that person love us. There’s a correlation between the nature of the attachment figure and the affair partner. The person is trying to master incomplete business from childhood. As a result, some people will choose an affair partner who’s difficult, temperamental, or unpredictable.

Q: The challenge becomes, how, with busy lives, do people satisfy all of their needs within the marriage?

Dr Glass: It’s a false belief that if I’m incomplete, I have to be completed by another person. You have to do it through your own life, your own work, for your own pleasure, through individual growth. The more fulfilled you are, in terms of things that you do separately that please you, the more individuated and more whole you are. Plus, the more intimate you can be. Then you’re not expecting the other person to make you happy. You’re expecting the other person to share happiness with you, to join you in your happiness.

Q: What other changes do you see in affairs these days?

Dr Glass: Cyber affairs are new. For some people the computer itself is very addictive. They get very caught up in it. It’s hiding out, escaping. And an affair is an escape —from the realities of everyday life. These two escapes are now paired. The other danger online is that people can disguise who they are. Think of the roles you can take on if you hide behind a computer screen. More so than in workplace affairs, you can project anything onto the other person.

At the computer, with a screen in front of you, you can act out any fantasy you want. You can make this other person become anybody you want them to be. There’s a loosening up, because you’re not face to face with the person. The relationship begins in anonymity. Sometimes people send nude pictures back and forth.

Q: This attracts only a certain kind of person, doesn’t it?

Dr Glass: We don’t know yet. Among the e-mail questions that I get are always a number from people who are concerned because their partner is having an online relationship with somebody. Or their partner had an affair with somebody they met online. It’s very prevalent, and it’s very dangerous. If you’re talking to somebody on the computer, and you begin to talk about your sexual fantasies, and you’re not talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies, which relationship now has more sexual chemistry? Which relationship has more emotional intimacy? Then your partner walks in the room and you switch screens. Now you’ve got a wall of secrecy.

It has all the components of an affair. And it’s very easy. Technology has impacted affairs in another way, too. Many people have discovered their partner’s affair by getting the cellular phone bill. Or it could be by getting in the car and pushing redial on the car phone. Perhaps it’s by taking their partner’s beeper and seeing who’s been calling. We’re leaving a whole new electronic trail.

Q: How many affairs survive as enduring relationships?

Dr Glass: Only 10% of people who leave their relationship for affairs end up with the affair partner. Once you can be with the person every day, you deal with all the little irritations in a relationship that makes it less romantic. Then you’re into Stage Two —disillusionment. Several people have told me they wish the affair had never happened. They wish they had worked on their marriage instead. Once they got into an affair, it was too compelling. But now that the affair has settled into a reality based relationship, it’s too late to go back to the marriage; they destroyed too much.

Q: Can all relationships be fixed after an affair?

Dr Glass: No. What I look for is how the unfaithful partner shows empathy for the pain that they have caused when the betrayed spouse starts acting crazy.

Q: In what way do they act crazy?

Dr Glass: They’re very emotional. They cry easily. Their emotions flip-flop. They are hyper-vigilant. They want to look at the cell phone. Plus, they have flashbacks. In the car they hear a country-western song and start crying, or accusing. They obsess over the details of the affair. Although these are common post-traumatic reactions to infidelity, their behavior is very erratic. This is upsetting to them and their partner. How much compassion the partner has for that is one of the benchmarks.

Another sign of salvageability lies in how much responsibility the unfaithful partner is willing to take for the choice they made. This is regardless of problems that pre-existed in the marriage. (We definitely need to work on the weaknesses of the marriage, but not to justify the affair.)

If the unfaithful partner says, “you made me do it,” that’s not as predictive of a good outcome as when the partner says, “we should have gone to counseling before this happened to deal with the problems.” Sometimes the unfaithful partner really doesn’t regret the affair. This is because it was very exciting. One of the big strains between the partners in the primary relationship is the way they perceive the affair partner.

Q: How so?

Dr Glass: A lot of the anger and the rage the betrayed spouse feels is directed toward the affair partner rather than the marital partner. “That person doesn’t have any morals, and was exploitative.” “That person’s a home wrecker.” To believe that of the marital partner would make it difficult to stay in the relationship.

At the same time, the person who had the affair may still be idealizing the affair partner. The unfaithful spouse perceives the affair partner as an angel. Whereas the betrayed person perceives an evil person. It’s important at some point in the healing process for the involved person to see some flaws in the affair partner. This is so that they can partly see what their partner, the betrayed spouse, is telling them. But it’s also important for the betrayed spouse to see the affair partner not as a cardboard character but as a human being.

Q: Is there anything else that helps you gauge the salvagability of a relationship after an affair?

Dr Glass: Empathy, responsibility —and the degree of understanding of the vulnerabilities that made an affair possible.

Q: What vulnerabilities?

Dr Glass: There are individual vulnerabilities, such as curiosity. Somebody gets invited for lunch, and they go to the house because they’re curious. They must learn that getting curious is a danger sign. Or they learn that if some damsel or guy in distress comes with a sad story, instead of becoming their confessor and their confidante, they give out the name of a great therapist. Knowing what these vulnerabilities are, and understanding them, allows a person to avoid them.

Q: Are there relationship vulnerabilities?

Dr Glass: The biggest one I see these days is the child-centered marriage. I tell couples that if you really love your kids, the best gift you can give them is your own happy marriage. You can’t have a happy marriage if you never spend time alone. Your children need to see you going out together without them, or closing the bedroom door. That gives them a sense of security greater than they get by just by being loved.

Today’s parents feel guilty because they don’t have enough time with their kids. They think they’re making it up to them by spending with them whatever leisure time they do have. They have family activities and family vacations. To help them rebuild the marriage I help them become more couple-centered. It’s important to build a cocoon around themselves as a couple.

Q: Is it hard to get over an affair without a therapist?

Dr Glass: It’s hard to do with a therapist. People can get over it, but I don’t know that they resolve the issues. Usually the unfaithful person wants to let it rest at “Hi hon, I’m back. Let’s get on with our lives. Why do we have to keep going back over the past?” The betrayed person wants to know the story with all the gory details. They may begin to feel they’re wrong to keep asking. So many suppress their need to know because their partner doesn’t want to talk about it. They may stay together, but they really don’t learn anything and they don’t heal.

Q. Can it ever be the same as it was before the affair?

Dr Glass: The affair creates a loss of innocence and some scar tissue. I tell couples things will never be the same. But the relationship may be stronger than it was before. If you break something and glue it back together with Super-Glue, it could be stronger than before. But you can see the cracks when you look closely.

Q: How do you rebuild trust?

Dr Glass: You do this through honesty. First I have to build safety. It comes about by stopping all contact with the affair partner and sharing your whereabouts. You must be willing to answer the questions from your partner, and  handing over info on your cell phone.

It also requires sharing information about any encounters with the affair partner before being asked. When you come home, you say, I saw him today, and he asked me how we’re doing. I said I really don’t want to discuss that with you. That’s counter-intuitive. People think that talking about it with the spouse will create upset. They believe they’ll have to go through the whole thing again. But it doesn’t. Instead of trying to put the affair in a vault and lock it up, if they’re willing to take it out and look at it, then the trust is rebuilt through that intimacy.

The betrayed spouse may say, “I remember when such-and-such happened.” If the unfaithful spouse can say, “yeah, I just recalled such-and-such,” and they bring up things, or ask their partner, “how are you feeling? I see you’re looking down today, is that because you’re remembering?” trust can be rebuilt.

Marriage Missions Editors Note:

You can read another article that answers the question. It’s titled, “What do you do when your unfaithful spouse won’t answer your questions?” It’s written by author Anne Bercht. To do so, please go to Beyondaffairs.com.

Q: Eventually the questioning and revealing assume a more normal level in the relationship?

Dr. Glass: Yes, but things will often pop up. Someone or something will prompt them to remember something that was said. What did you mean when you said that? Or, what were you doing when that happened? In the beginning, the betrayed partner wants details. Where, what, when. Did you tell them you love them? Did you give them gifts? And did they give you gifts? How often did you see them? How many times did you have sex? Where did you have sex, was it in our house? Was it in the car? How much money did you spend?

Those kinds of factual questions need to be answered. Eventually the questions develop more complexity. How did it go on so long if you knew that it was wrong? After that first time, did you feel guilty? At that point they’re in the final stages of trauma recovery, which is the search for meaning.

Q: And they have come to a joint understanding about what the affair meant?

Dr. Glass: Yes, this is by combining their stories and their perceptions. A couple builds trust by rewriting their history and including the story of the affair. Some couples do a beautiful job in trying to understand the affair together. They co-create the story of what they’ve been through together.

Q. What is happening in those relationships that are not equal?

Dr. Glass: Sometimes there’s an over-functioning spouse and an under-functioning spouse. One partner takes on a lot of responsibility. And then he or she resents it. The more a person puts energy into something and tries to work on it, the more committed to the relationship that person is. The other partner, who is only semi-involved in the relationship, is freer to get involved in an affair. This is because they’re not as connected to the marriage. This is interesting because the popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn’t getting enough at home. The reality is that they weren’t giving enough at home.

Q. How do you handle that?

Dr. Glass: In rebuilding that relationship, more equity has to be created. The issue isn’t what can the betrayed spouse do to make the partner happy —it’s what can the unfaithful spouse do to make their partner happy. In research and in practice, Tom Wright, Ph.D., and I have observed that when you compare who does more, who is more understanding, who is more romantic, who enjoys sex more —the affair is almost always more equitable than the marriage.

Usually, the person was giving more. They gave more time, more attention, more compliments in the affair than in the marriage. If they can come back and invest in the marriage what they were doing in the affair, then they’ll feel more. There’s research showing that people are more satisfied in equitable relationships.

Q: You use the metaphor of walls and windows in talking about affairs.

Dr. Glass: There’s almost always a wall of secrecy around the affair; the primary partner doesn’t know what’s going on on the other side of that wall. In the affair, there is often a window into the marriage, like a one-way mirror. To reconstruct the marriage, you have to reverse the walls and windows, put up a wall with the affair partner, and put up a window inside the marriage.

Answering a spouse’s questions about what happened in the affair is a way to reverse the process. It’s a matter of who’s on the inside and who’s on the outside? Sometimes people will open windows but not put up walls. Sometimes they put up walls but don’t open the windows. Unless you do both, you can not rebuild safety and trust in the marriage.

This interview is just a portion of what was contained in the magazine interview Dr. Shirley Glass did with “Psychology Today” (July/August 1998). To read it in its entirety and to view more magazine and newspaper articles plus other information on this subject, go to her web site at Shirleyglass.com.

Please note that this is a secular web site you’d be going to. We’ve personally found no quarrel with any of the material we’ve read of hers and have greatly appreciated her wisdom in this area of marriage. But we haven’t read everything she has posted. So we want to caution you to read it prayerfully and carefully asking for God to give you discernment and spiritual guidance.

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28 responses to “Shattered Vows: Getting Beyond Betrayal

  1. (SOUTH AFRICA)  I am going through the trauma and pain of an affair and worse of all there is a child involved which I don’t know how to handle it. My husband is very quiet about it. He does not want to discuss anything, and lately I found out he is still sending her sms that are so erotic. I am so in trauma. Sometimes I feel leaving him is the option I should take because it is going to come up all the time.

  2. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi Serati, I know exactly how you feel. My husband had an affair with this woman since Feb this year and I found out in May. We decided to give our marriage another try and he promised not to do it again. Well, last week I found a sms on his phone from her and I called her and she said he told her we were no longer together. How can he make a vow to me and break it? How can he go out and cheat with her and still come home to make love to me? I also have a child and don’t know how to handle the situation.

    1. (ZAMBIA)  Hi, I’m sympathizing with you. Can anybody also help me? My husband had an affair for six months. It’s the second time around with the same girl. We talked things through and decided to rebuild our marriage. I’m now in another country studying for two months. The problem is I feel so insecure. One day I’m happy, the next im not, also I’m very panicky and tend to communicate more often and he doesn’t call all the time.

      Please somebody help me. I’m on the brink of also having an affair with someone I just met and who is paying me all the attention. I’m a Christian and don’t want to sin. I don’t love this new guy, but I don’t feel loved enough by my husband. If he did, why did he do it? Twice too.

    2. (USA)  Hello ladies, I feel for all of you. My husband had an affair and I feel he’s still in it. We just had it out last night about it. This woman happens to work at a place where I go to cash my checks. I’ve been going there for about 15 years and this person played with me and she wouldn’t cash my check, thinking she was stopping something. See, I wanted to snatch her through that hole but like I told her, you can’t get the best of me anymore. I took a stand for myself cause if my husband isn’t going to protect my honor, I know God will and he has. Ladies, trust in God.

      Before, I was just a stay at home wife but in a matter of days and months he blessed me with my own business. And ladies, it’s booming. Check this out. If she only knew I pay my husband even though he has a job! Already my business is his second job. Now, I don’t care if he stays or leaves because God got me out from under his wing.

      I told her it’s ok, when she needs a job that pays, to come see me. LOLOL. I don’t have time to worry about him. Yes, I love my husband, just enough to let him go. Tears will pour, yes, but before long I will get to the other side. I told him he could leave whenever he wants cause God’s got me. And Ladies, he’s got you all time. We are worthy of being honored by our husbands. I demand it. If I can do it for him, he should do it for me. And No Matter What, Keep Going Up With Them or Without Them. You’re all Queens and yes, it hurts. But you can’t heal what you can’t feel.

  3. (UNITED KINGDOM, LONDON)  This is a prayer I’ve been saying on a daily basis, especially when memories of my husband’s betrayal start to come back to me, I want to forgive him and with the help of my Lord Jesus Christ, I will. My best friend gave it to me and it’s been such a comfort, so please anyone who is suffering just as I am, copy this onto a piece of paper and take it with you EVERYWHERE.

    Lord Jesus,
    Thank you for caring about how much my heart has been hurt.
    You know the pain I am feeling from … (offenders name)
    Right now I release all that pain into Your hands.
    Thank you, Lord, for dying on the cross for me
    and extending Your forgiveness to me.
    As an act of Your will, I choose to forgive … (offenders name)
    Right now, I take … (offenders name) off my emotional hook,
    and I place this person on Your hook.
    I refuse all thoughts of revenge.
    I trust that in Your time and in Your way
    You will deal with my offender as You see fit.
    And Lord, thank You for giving me Your power to forgive
    so that I can be set free.
    In Your precious name I pray, Amen.

    Also my friend sent me a passage from one of Bishop T.D Jakes’ books which might be helpful, I hope it is.

    We can no longer ostracize the victim and let the assailant escape! Every time you see some insecure, vulnerable, intimidated adult who has unnatural fear in his eyes, low self-esteem or an apologetic posture, he is saying, "Carest thou not that I perish?" Every time you see a bra-less woman in men’s jeans, choosing to act like a man rather than to sleep with one; every time you see a handsome young man who could have been someone’s father, walking like someone’s mother – you may be looking child abuse in the face. If you think it’s ugly, you’re right. If you think it’s wrong, you’re right again. If you think it can’t be healed, you’re dead wrong! If you look closely into these eyes I’ve so feebly tried to describe, you will sense that something in this person is weak, hurt, maimed or disturbed… but fixable.

    May the lord continue to heal all those wounded hearts, wipe away the tears we cry and replace the pain with love. Caroline XoX

  4. (USA)  My husband who is African had an affair with a woman who he had dated before we married. She had pursued him subtly for the last 4 years of our 16 year marriage. He yielded to her advances during his last trip to Africa and I found out less than a week after his return. My heart was shattered.

    He reluctantly gave up the relationship a month later but would still take her calls. He reluctantly went to counselling a few times and then stopped. It took him 7 months to finally write me a letter of apology and buy me a new diamond ring after I told him to leave.

    I don’t know how to determine if he is genuine in his repentance. I do not know what other demands to make to begin to rebuild trust. I don’t know if I should insist on counselling for someone unwilling. His progress is slow and the Lord has prevented him from traveling for a while. Sometimes I feel up and then I feel down. It’s been 11 months and I don’t know when I will feel normal again. -Wounded Heart

  5. (CANADA)  My husband, 76, died Jan. 6th after being diagnosed with Cancer and having 3 weeks to live… The day of his death, another woman, 47, arrived with a new will, 2 hours after his death, cutting me out of the Estate… We had been married 22 years, no family, and were holidaying in Hawaii when he took ill. Has anyone gone through anything like this? And would you share how to overcome this grief and betrayal? I am taking legal steps, but my heart is breaking… Judy 61 from BC.

  6. (NIJA)  What is your position on a man insisting on getting a divorce from his wife of 20 years after discovering 3 of his five children are from another man? The tests even showed the kids are from different fathers.

    I know and feel he should be the Hosea of the Bible and love them which is what he is doing with the kids, but the pain of betrayal is strong, more so he has never cheated and for an African that deserves an award.

    He is a Christian and understands he can get a scriptual divorce since it’s on the basis of infidelity, not to mention he never had the blessings of his parents to marry his wife. Now he wants to marry me once the divorce falls through.

    1. (U.S.A) Dear Mine, It is my prayer that I will “speak the Truth in Love” as your sister in Christ, to the question you posed on this web site. Since reading your comment, I’ve been praying and have been troubled in my heart over the situation you brought up.

      After re-reading the book of Hosea in the Bible (that you referred to as a comparison to what this man is living out) I want to ask you: Have you really read the book of Hosea? Do you know its message? Here’s part of what the commentary for the Women’s Devotional Bible said about it: “The story of Hosea’s family life illustrates a love story– that God loves us, even when our sins have broken His heart. Look beyond Hosea’s suffering to see a startling example of another’s love that will not quit.”

      The commentary in the “Life Application Bible” says this, “The book of Hosea dramatically portrays our God’s constant and persistent love. As you read this book watch the prophet submit himself willingly to his Lord’s direction; grieve with him over the unfaithfulness of his wife and his people; and hear the clear warning of judgment. Then re-affirm your commitment to being God’s person, FAITHFUL in your love and TRUE to your vows.”

      It also goes on to say, “It is difficult to imagine Hosea’s feelings when God told him to marry a woman who would be unfaithful to him. He may not have wanted to do it, but he obeyed. God often required extraordinary obedience from His prophets who were facing extraordinary times. God may ask you to do something difficult and extraordinary, too. If he does, how will you respond? Will you obey Him, trusting that He who knows everything has a special purpose for His request?Will you be able to accept the fact that the pain involved in obedience may benefit those you serve, and NOT you personally?”

      With that said, I need to say that what this man’s wife did (as you describe in your comment) in being so unfaithful, that 3 of “his” five children are from another man… is totally wrong and devastating. It’s a nightmare for this man, I’m sure. And the fact that he is loving them, is SO extraordinary — especially for those 5 innocent children who either are, or will be thrown into more chaos than now, if he divorces their mother. He is the father that they know. And what their mom did is horrendously damaging to him and to them. But it doesn’t justify breaking their hearts and lives apart further by divorcing and then marrying you before the ink hardly dries on the divorce papers.

      If he is pledging to marry you “once the divorce falls through,” he isn’t being faithful either. He is still married to her. Why is he planning to hop from one marriage into another, before he is even divorced? That’s a divided heart, if I’ve ever heard of one. That’s not a Hosea testimony. Those children will go from one state of confusion and will be plunged into another, with almost no pause in between. Who is the hero here? Who is the faithful one? Who will teach them and show them faithfulness in words and deeds as a Christian is to live out?

      What their mother did was totally wrong, don’t get me wrong. But he has no business planning another marriage like this… especially so prematurely. That is totally self-serving — not in God’s service. Whether he is to remain in this marriage, or not… that is between him and God and his wife. But he is NOT to seek another relationship or wife at this time.

      I’m sure this man looks admirable to you and your heart goes out to him. That’s very understandable. But if you stay in this man’s life and get more involved in this, you are contributing to contaminating these children’s lives and the testimony of God to be lived out before them and others who are watching, as well. Please understand that.

      If he is a “Christian” — which means that he is to be a follower of Christ, then he would NOT get involved in another relationship with ANYONE else at this time. I can’t even start to imagine Christ doing this — no matter what hurt He would experience. He is faithful, even when we are unfaithful. The book of Hosea brings out this message for all of us to read and follow in action. I hope you will prayerfully consider what I am trying to convey here, as one sister in Christ to another.

  7. (CANADA)  What if the betrayal is your husband, a stepfather to your child, and your 13 year old daughter? It turns out, the affair was mutual… and she pursued him even though we are a Christian home. My husband and I are separated, understandably, and they have both confessed that she went after him and he gave in and they messed around for 1.5 years. The authorities are involved of course… but I am so lost right now.

    I am so hurt… I can’t even imagine her doing this to me. He said she was like a pornstar for him… I can’t imagine him doing this to me either. I want them both out of my life… but I want them both in my life. Oh help…

    1. (USA)  Jeanine, I am so sorry for your pain. I am also a Christian and thought my wife was as well; however, she did not honor the vows she made to me and the Lord. I have found a web site called Streaming Faith to be helpful. You can ask for prayers to help you in your current situation. God Bless.

  8. (USA)  Hi, I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 3 1/2years now. Long distance relationship; we see each other 1-2month for few days.

    I am a virgin and devoted Christian and he is divorced,not baptized but believes in Jesus, with 2kids (living with ex).
    I truly believe he is the love of my life. He knows about my beliefs and he was suprised that he found such a woman (his words). He always made me feel very special; he is nice, loving, patient, he found the right words,…but he has been very cold for the last half year. I always thought that he had problems with work and so on (that’s what he said).

    He talked about marriage after 1year but I didn’t want to. Since last year I want it but he kind of doesn’t. Last sunday I found out why. He cheated on me with 7-10 diff women around the world. He made 1baby and 1 to come by the same woman (he doesn’t want to pay ,doesn’t even care that the kids exist).

    I wrote to 3 of the women. When I saw their pictures I wanted to collapse. They all look the same. Fat,ugly,short hair,party girls,no style,with kids from different men. I am the total opposite. He always said I’m his great love, because I’m a beautiful, smart, virgin.

    His “sluts”said that he was always very nice, even to their kids, always acting like a happy family. He has 3-4,maybe more women at the same time. He doesnt know that I found it out and that I talked to them. I’m acting like everything is ok till I see him next week.

    I’m not angry, just disappointed. I wanna know WHY he stole 3 years of my life. I didnt give him sex nor money (the others did). I wanna go ask him if he ever loved me and why he did that to me. I wanna thank him for his love, coz he changed my life. Also I don’t wanna lose him, he is the man I’ve waited for 25years. Do you have an answer?? Thank you,be blessed

    P.S: My passion started during Lent. I am praying very hard for him, we are sinners. I came to a point where I’m suprised of my love,which is forgiving,hoping,praying.

    I believe that God wants to bring me closer to him through this pain and heal him through my offerings of prayer and pain.

  9. (ZIMBABWE)  Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Last year in February he got a job and relocated to another town. In May I found out that he was cheating on me, even though he denies it. I was heart broken but I am taking it one day at a time. I know time is the greatest healer.

  10. (USA) I’ve been married 19 years my husband was my first, we share 5 children together. We where high school sweethearts in love and nothing could pull us apart; we promised never to cheat, to always be honest, and always keep communication open. About five years ago my husband broke my heart when he cheated with a 19 year old. I was devastated. He lied until he couldn’t lie anymore. Not only did he cheat but three months after he went into a depression that’s lasted two years. I chose to forgive and stay however the pain was a giant, that was never dealt with.

    I had to not focus on me and focus on him. I felt his pain was much greater than mine due to his action, the medication he was prescribed really took his mind off me and yielding to my hurt, to him just not caring about me. Well this went on for 3 years – me crying begging for his attention, to me just totally detaching from him. My mind went into a whirlwind, my thoughts where is he cheating cause I’m not there emotionally, or is our marriage over? I wanted attention I wanted to feel like I mattered. For one time in my life to do what I thought would make me feel better, I took myself on a Journey to just be me. I cut my hair, lost weight and went shopping. I went from mommie to hot mommie and I was purposely doing it. I wanted to show him I was beautiful and that I was still valid.

    Not only did Iget the attention from my husband but also others, something I had never experienced – men looking and flirting. I was so flattered I felt free; I felt like I mattered . I let myself go; all my morals where washed away my pain was gone finally (At least I thought) I felt free. I walked right out the presence of God into a strangers arms. He talked to me, laughed with me, told me I was beautiful…and I loved it. I appreciated it, I thanked him for being my friend. We talked for hours on the phone and I was able to deal with life issue (my husband and children) after he would make me smile. He was my drug which was attention.

    A year later it moved from talking on the phone to getting comfortable enough to meet, at first it was walks in the park or just sitting in the car and talking After meeting weeks later we decided to take it farther; a kiss was what I expected, feeling I could control me. He kissed me and wanted more. I gave into temptation and laid with him. I hated myself. I gave it all up – my innocence, my dignity, my years of only knowing my husband because I wanted to be noticed. I slipped away while trying to be found.

    I told my husband What I had done after I asked God for forgiveness. I thought it was the right timing but it wasn’t or would it ever be to hear that devasting news? He immediately shut me out. He didn’t want to hear about it. He stated did I ask you? He said you shouldn’t have told me now deal with the consequences. He left for a week to deal with his anger to only return just as angry, he is hurt, angry and disappointed, and confused. He cant let go of the pain. He blames himself but is so angry at me which is to be expected

    But we are here Im hurting again and lonely. I’m praying more this time. I totally removed myself from the other guy, but my husband and I are left with a Giant that our sling shot doesn’t have enough power to kill. It’s been six months I know it will be hard and maybe a long path to healing but we need help.

    1. I hope things are going well with you. I’m sorry, I’m just reading this tonight. I’ve been through the same type of path as you…it’s been six months now, and yes I too was unfaithful and so I felt guilty and still do. I told my husband that is done; he soon totally forgot what he had done to me emotionally, and only concentrated on my infidelity. I took about enough criticism for one week and I’ve been on antidepressants and Xanex, suffering from severe depression after finding out what he’d done. I ended up retracting my confession and told him I just told him I was unfaithful to make him feel the same pain I’d been suffering; he bought into it but my guilt is eating at me and I keep dropping hits back to my affair. I’m hoping that I can get past this heart wrenching feeling, because I can’t stand this pain!

  11. (SOUTH AFRICA) I found out that my husband had an affair last year November. I’ve discovered this while reading sms on a phone I didn’t know he had. I phoned the lady; she was telling me to ask him note her. When he came he apologised said it was a mistake but he doesn’t want to lose me. He promised that it will never happen.

    The thing is we are not staying in the same place because he’s working far away from home. He phoned the lady and broke up with her. The affair started in October and when I found it was a month. I’m pregnant with our second child and this has changed everything. He was home for the holidays left only now in January 2013. The thing is I can’t forget what happened. Though I said I forgave him I still have so many questions. Sometimes when we are talking and laughing I just feeling like fighting with him. I hate what this is doing to me. I find myself wanting to check the woman’s status on watapp and I want him to call me all the time. I just don’t understand how can he say he loves me and I am good wife but goes out and sleeps with another woman. I need prayers and advice before this destroys me.

  12. I found out my husband had an emotional affair with a fellow soldier by looking through his phone. He was gone for 3 months for training. We had prior issues with this girl and he promised me he would stay away from her. Well I find out months after the fact that they spent all their free time together, and he flat out lied about everything he did while he was gone. I can’t get the text “I want to see you” out of my mind that he sent her multiple times. He also said things about wanting to cuddle with her etc. This girl was acting like my friend the whole time saying that she never sees him and junk like that.

    Its been a year. Some days are ok and others I don’t want to get out of bed. Forgiveness isn’t a strength of mine, which has caused more problems. I don’t want a divorce but I can’t trust him.

  13. Hi Kali: I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the pain of this emotional affair. I too am struggling with my husband’s emotional affair daily. I found out just 10 days before Christmas last year. It’s approaching the one year anniversary and I’m still broken & hurt by his actions. My story is similar to yours as the girl my husband cheated with was acting like a friend to me also. His texting & calling her became more often and amounted to over 100 texts a day back and fourth. There were phone calls and he even met her in bars several times while out with his best friend. Though he deleted all of their messages and I never had to read any of them I continue to stare at the phone records and it’s torture!

    We have three children together and a 20 year long relationship, married for 17 of those years. He has always been my best friend and up until that point I saw our life as a fairy tale. I just didn’t see this coming. I wish I had better advice for you but to be honest I came to this website to look for some myself. I keep trying and pushing forward each day and hopefully one day I’ll get through a whole day and realize that I didn’t think of the affair and it was a good day. If you would like to chat with someone who understands I’m here to listen. Prayers for you and your marriage.

  14. I have read many tales from those who have suffered from the heart rending terrible act of betrayal from the person they loved and trusted with all their heart, yet I have not read or heard of anyone who was actually used by their partner for his own needs and gains many of which were done and planned behind my back and some right in front of my face by him and her.

    In my case the woman he had an affair with was an ex friend of mine who I had cut ties with 3 years earlier as I knew something about her just did not add up. I might add this woman is also a neighbour of ours, the biggest mistake I made was to keep her as friend on Facebook. It was on this site their affair started. I knew he was chatting to her but did not worry too much as everything they chatted about looked so genuine and friendly. However, unknown to me, he was already hiding what they were really doing and chatting about. He was actually deleting the true facts and only showing me what looked innocent and would keep me off the trail of their secret so in my case there was just no warning signs or warning bells, to look out for or hear.

    I trusted and respected him, why would I want to doubt his devotion to me now? He was my life, my best friend. He always looked at me with love and pride and said the same words to me. To cut a long story short first, he started making excuses to either borrow something from my neighbour or said we had been invited up for a cup of tea. He knew I wouldn’t go up there and still I thought it was all innocent. After all this woman has her own husband who would be there also but what I didn’t know, is her husband was either out doing his own things upstairs, or at work or away. Out of the blue weeks later, he suddenly started asking me to befriend her again saying how good she and I would be together as friends going shopping etc. So eventually, I reluctantly agreed and within 20 minutes of him telling her the good news she was down here in our home again.

    I was the one who caught them in the early hours of the morning on 11th September 2013 in our spare bedroom together. I had let her stay over for a few nights. My husband chose to take our marriage, and who I am as a person, for granted. In the time they were together. He just sat back like the master of the house and willingly let her start to take over our home, copy my ideas, tell me how I am like a sister to her who wanted to support and encourage us as any true friend would. He ignored anything I said to him regarding her turning up all hours of the day and evenings and chose to ignore all my other concerns I had towards this woman and what she was really doing. The only person he told about their secret was his best mate. He didn’t mention anything to our Christian friends who are just as shocked as I am. She confided in and told one of her friends about their affair.

    He and I have had many problems and hassles over the years and yes, I have failings. But I didn’t deserve two faced, secret, false, game playing or the convincing lies that looked so true, and for him to use me as a pawn, just to please her. He is truly sorry for what he did and said he has realised his mistake and wants to save our marriage. I, on the other hand, cannot even think about the word marriage, let alone live one and save one. It’s as if I never really, truly knew him or know him now. What they did has nearly killed me and has probably maimed me for life. How can I trust him or believe him now? We’ve been married for 21 years. We married in July 1992. Their affair started in July 2013. My husband knew why I cut off from my ex friend and he knew how I had asked for spiritual support for some things I had witnessed in her own home. She and her husband have lived separate lives for years. They even have their own bedrooms.

    Please, can someone give me an answer? And is there anyone out there who truly understands about a spouse being used and abused, for the betrayers own wants and needs and must have, because of circumstances. Please, can someone give me some sort of an answer to how their strange affair is still tormenting me seven months on from the night I caught them? I ask for your prayers. Thank you.

    1. I so feel your pain and suffering. I understand what you’re going through. I don’t know how or where to start. It’s been 5 years and I still cry. I opened my door to my very best friend and birth sister. She committed on me saying I can’t sleep when he gets up, said bull you sleep good too. Then one night at 2 am she awakes me saying he’s calling for me. I get out of bed, go on porch where he’s sitting, then he falls back in my arms, no detectable pulse or heartbeat by touch or ear up against his chest.

      So I scream, get the phone, call an abulance, then he comes to, I walk him inside, he sits on edge of bed, breaks out in sweat and shivers, his whole body shaking then starts waving his hands saying don’t let them take me, hold me honey, hold on to me, don’t let them take me away.

      She continually flattered my husband and started putting me down and kept telling my husband I never loved him. She wrote in my book someone’s gonna get my husband. I watched her closely, treated her like a queen of our home and she yelled at me and became angry toward me if I tried putting her in her place to take back control of my home.

      He always asked me to go on errands while she was there, but I refused to. He started cleaning up, and losing weight. She could not look me in the face. Then he told me he wanted a divorce because we were going in different directions and he wasn’t in love with me anymore.

  15. If this post makes it, I’m sure you’ll see the turmoil I’ve been dealing with. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 13. I should start with the fact that for the past 12 years I’ve begged him for more sex, for the entire 15 years I’ve begged him for communication, which is always, from day one have to ask him, “what are you thinking”, just to try and get him talking, which didn’t seem to help much. For at least the past four months I’ve told him to text, rather, sext me. None of these wants of mine were ever fulfilled.

    I felt my husband pulling away from me for months on his iPod, his phone, he was destracted for sure. From September of 2014 till May 3rd 2015, I was oblivious!! Only to find out that I’ve actually been oblivious since at least March 2013. I found that he was playing a game online with a gal from work, on his phone. I immediately confronted him and of course he said we’re just “co-workers”…pffff I knew better. I went nuts and tore my room apart, insisting there was more. I was so angry that he feared that I was going to take my own life, so he called 911. I was taken by ambulance to the ER, they didn’t put me on a hold, so I walked home. I was even more furious at this point. He kept denying. He saw how upset I was, so he left for 3 hours. To this day I wonder where he was.

    The next morning, he took our children to school. I’m not a drinker, however, by 8:20 am I was extremely intoxicated! By the time he got home I’d become very emotional and he kept saying they were just friends, that’s it. I ended up wanting to take my life, so, again the ambulance came and got me with the sheriff’s, whom, this time, put me on a 72 hour hold. I spent the night in the hospital on IV’S, due to being overly intoxicated. They released me the next day. He kept insisting I had nothing to worry about.

    At this point his family, all of them, began to ridicule me for being suicidal and being in the hospital, all the while, not knowing what he had done. Once they found out, of course I was the bad guy. I got no apologies from his family, only criticizism and told that it was in his past, get over it, they told me. My husband angrily had stated to me, “you’re not the only woman who’s ever been cheated on, just get over it already.” All I could think and say was…”It may be in your past MF but it’s in my present. I have to mention, my family except one, all supported him and didn’t put him down, nor did they ridicule him, ever!

    Over the next couple of months, I kept finding stuff on his iPod. The first thing I found was that he was chatting through email sharing details about his fears and thoughts with his “co-worker”. Then about a week later, I found emails between him and a “GUY”…I was grossed out by what I had read. I immediately called him at work to come home. I had bought him a new iPod and he gave me his old one. While I was trying to make it mine, which I really knew nothing about iPods, this is how I found out.

    So, he came home only to tell me, “I have no clue why that guy would say he missed my protein.” He kept denying. Finally weeks later I learned that he had met up with two different men through Craig’s list, sharing oral… IN MY CAR!!! He admitted doing this with one guy at least on 3 different occasions and one other guy just once. He gave me his Craig’s list account and the connecting email. He had deleted all the email, surprise surprise, but I endured reading messages that stated he was looking to meet up with men before work. Just when I thought I couldn’t be shattered anymore than I was already, this is when I found out that he’d been online posting these ads looking for men since March 3rd of 2013, with the latest post being, one month after I started finding things out and in and out of the hospital feeling like I was going nuts, and him making it seem like I was nuts, he posted, looking for a lovely lady. Again, my world was shattered, but he insured me that he did post it but deleted within an hour because he knew he was wrong. Did he actually think that made me feel better?

    Apparently, he admitted, he only met up the first time in September 2014 after just posting for fun, supposedly. He stated that he stopped meeting men by November or December; he can’t quite remember dates…pfffff. The messages to the gal at work was from January 2015, which he deleted mostly everything, so I’ll never really know how many years he’s pursued her.

    I ended up back in the hospital, staying two nights in the mental health ward because by this time I wanted to die rather than feel my heart being crushed, the day he finally admitted that he had told his “co-worker” “I love my wife and I think I feel the same for you”. I was devastated!!! I also found a message from her telling him she only thought of him as a friend but more like a brother. She never reciprocated feelings. She’s married with children of her own. I confronted her on the phone and learned from her, not my husband, that he told her this the week she went back to work after her maternity leave, pfffff.

    Anyway, that’s when they medicated me. I’m on anti-depresents as well as anti anxiety meds. I’m still on all these meds. taking them faithfully as my husband makes sure to ask me daily, “did you take your pills?” Grrrr. The reason I became suicidal wasn’t for selfish reasons, so I thought.

    I had shared with my kids that he had cheated on me not giving ANY details. They begged me not to leave their dad. At this point, I felt like the worse mom ever. I vowed to my children that I would try to work things out and stay. At the same time my husband was begging me for forgiveness and to please not leave him. As a mother I thought to myself, if I leave my kid’s dad, I’d have to have my kids look at me daily, hating me for not staying, so I’d tell family and friends, my kids are better off if I took myself out of the equation by taking my own life. I felt like I would be a better mom if I were dead rather than live with them hating me for not being with their father.

    Weeks after I was in and out of the hospital due to suicide attempts, while in the hospital, I phone my husband and he admits to me, after having sex with me daily for a month, begging me to stay, he had emailed her stating that she was beautiful at work that day. I contemplated on staying in that mental health ward forever. Once I was released, I got home only for him and his mother to scream at me and ridicule me. All the while, they had sedated me with meds to the point where I could barely stay awake, but having to listen to then screaming and yelling at me, putting me down.

    My husband started taking me to church, telling me, “I’m seeking redemption, I’m totally committed to you and God.” Fine, he gets redeemed as I suffer every second of every single moment, every single day. I’m trying these days to just suck it up and to do as the church has told me, I’ve got to forgive him cause God forgave me. Easier said than done, as I’m not God, I’m just human, with human, womanly emotions. So I try not to bring it up and I try to be happy and get over it, secretly crying nightly and fault while he’s at work…still getting to see her. I also found another disturbing video on his iPod that I won’t gross anyone out with details. That video alone, made me spin out of control.

    I just wanna feel normal again. Even though he pays way more attention to me daily, and compliments me way more than ever, I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt I my entire life. I don’t share this with him, as it would just make him wonder why he’s bothering to compliment me or why he bothers if I’m just gonna leave him in the end. So, pretty much, I’m living a pretend world, not knowing how to get back to reality.

    I’m very sorry this is so long. I may have bored most, but I’m not sure how to deal with all of this on my own. I’m wanting my family, friends, kids and my husband, to believe I’m okay and that I’m getting over it. Whoever reads this entire post…PLEASE!!! Pray for me to gather enough strength to come back to reality, as I’m feeling outside my own skin watching from above… and feeling extremely alone. I just wanna be “ENOUGH” for my husband as I’ve always told him I’m not. I just wanna be “me” again. This sad, crying daily, pretending…that’s not who I am. Thank you.

    1. I understand your pain. Just hold on to Christ and ask him to heal you and ask God to reach your husband for you. I understand your pain because I have been there. My experience is worse but I feel a lot better. Taking your life is not an option. Be calm and pray for inner peace.