This is a short intro to a long, involved, heart-breaking subject. But we came across an article written by relationship expert, Michele Weiner Davis, which we think you may benefit from reading. It concerns things you need to know about affairs.
There are a lot of misconceptions, as it pertains to extramarital affairs, betrayal, infidelity —whatever you want to call it. But it all comes down to one marital “partner” cheating on the other. They promise faithfulness in the wedding vows, but keep breaking them when he or she decides to do so.
So much for promises!!!
For those of you who are struggling because of this horrible betrayal, the following is a link to Michele’s blog. Please click onto the web site link to read:
• TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AFFAIRS
Additionally, Concerning Affairs:
The following linked article goes on to briefly explain more. It’s posted on the Beyond Affairs web site. After reading this article, you may want to look around their web site to learn more. They have a lot of articles, which may help you, as well. First, please click onto:
• MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS
Beyond what you have learned thus far, the following is another article you may benefit from prayerfully reading, which is posted on the Christian Marriage Today web site. Again, you may want to read additional articles, which they offer. They have some good ones:
• SURVIVING INFIDELITY:
3 Things You Must Know If You Are Surviving an Affair
We’re so sorry if you find yourself dealing with infidelity, which has been inflicted upon you. Our hearts to go out to you.
Please know we care and are “asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.” (Colossians 1:9-10)
“Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright.” (Psalm 112:4)
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair Surviving Infidelity
38 responses to “Things You Need to Know About Affairs”
(USA) My wife has given the “flashing green light” (extreme flirting) to a number of men in our 34 years of marriage. These are events that took place in my presense. Each time I spoke up she dismissed my complaints as my irrational interpretations. It has been very detrimental to my friend and work relationships. I avoid further hurt by not inviting my friends for visits. Together we have 34 years of marriage, 4 self sufficient adult children, with one eleven year old daughter at home.
I had hoped each flirt event that I confronted would be the last. She perhaps doesn’t respect me enough to stop or even to acknowledge it. I told her that I have had enough hurt at which time she shamelessly denied everything, threatened financial devastation and scolded me instead. I am an FDNY 9-11 survivor currently being treated for PTSD and related conditions.
I have many concerns about the almost inevitable divorce. Not the least concern is the effect on my mind and the effect on our 11 year old daughter. Pray for Me
(NIGERIA) I really want to leave my husband. It’s bad enough that he has not been faithful in the marriage but he also believes I should get over it when he simply says he is sorry. He has been unfaithful in the past twice, with prostitutes. Now just few days ago while I was away on a business trip, his phone mistakenly dialed my number and I could hear a conversation he was having with a prostitute at 2:30 in the morning. I dont want to know what happened or what did not. He has told me nothing happened because he found out I was listening on the other end but I have been lied to on several occasions.
I dont feel anything any more. We have two beautiful children together and I have been holding on because of them but I dont think I can do this anymore. I have gone through years and series of counseling sessions with our Pastor and I have gotten tired of making complaints. He on the other hand, has gotten tired of being accountable and has really soured the relationship with our pastors. Did I also mention that he has been born again for over 12 years?
We have been through him engaging in pornography on different levels, not to talk of him not sleeping in the house at the slightest argument and comes home very apologetic. I know I have my faults but I feel there are certain sacred boundries that shouldn’t be crossed, not only because it is morally not right, but also because it’s putting me and invariably my children in danger.
I have gone through bouts of bitterness and have turned into something I know I am not. Staying with him is not healthy. Did I also mention that I am as good as the breadwinner because he gives money for upkeep when he decides to and the few times I talked about it he rained insults on me? We have been married for over 7 years and it’s in December last year that by some miracle he understood what I was saying about him taking care of his home. There are still no consistencies yet. I have a regular job and he works on his own but 90% of the house needs are borne by me without any thanks for it.
He continually suspects me of having affairs and scrolls through my phone each time I come back from work. He has accused me of sleeping with pratically everyone and has threathened to kill me on two occasions. I do not feel anything for this man anymore and want to get far away from him as possible.
I know I have been naive, very naive on differnt occasions but this time I will not subject myself to this mental and physical tortue because I know this is far from God’s best for me. I am hoping in 2 months I would be able to set myself up properly to leave.
(PHILIPPINES) I am quite puzzled. Why are we still holding on to something that we believed will not work or will do nothing good for ourselves at all?
(USA) My husband and I met and started “dating” when I was 13 (I’m now 36). We dated on & off for 6 years until we became serious. We moved in together and had two children. We married when I was 26 and had our third child. I, like everyone else, have my faults but I devoted my whole life to my husband and children. I didn’t make a move without first considering how it would affect my family. My husband would hang out with single friends til all hours and I suspected he was having an affair. I found and heard things that indicated he was having several affairs but he was always able to explain it away. I would get mad, he would temporarily stay home more and focus on our family and the deceitful cycle would start all over. I found out for certain that he was having an affair when I was pregnant with our third child. He sent me a text that he intended for the other girl (I say girl because she was 18- I was 28, and a bit young to be traded in for a newer model, I thought). Anyway I threw him out of the house for a whopping month before allowing him to come back home. I was 28 with 3 small children, no help, and loved my husband more than words can say.
Fast forward the story and he continued his relationship with the girl as well as others. He also got more bold with his disrespect and went on weekend trips. Over the years I would find out more. Details like them having unprotected sex and how he was going to leave me for her(he actually told me he was moving out & I actually begged him to stay with me and kids). He never moved out and we were never the same. I tried to forget it and he continued to have his cake and eat it too. The most recent time I found out about another woman was in 2009. After this one he told me he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be married anymore and again I begged him to stay. Oddly enough, a few months later when I realized GOD can’t want this for me, I asked him to leave and he refused. He said he was sorry and loved me and answered my questions. He initiated counseling, started going to church, got saved…he is doing all the right things but now my heart is so hardened towards him. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I’m so angry with him for betraying me. I’m angry that he was going to leave me for them, although he said he wasn’t leaving for them but because we were having issues. He feels that because he stayed I should see that he chose me. It hurts to be his second or even third choice. I want to make it work for the sake of the kids.
The Bible says divorce is cruel but adultery is the one and only way out of marriage GOD gives man and that’s saying a lot. There’s no marriage in heaven. So, I think to myself so why should I bother anymore here on earth. I have fallen into a depression and have separated myself from all family and friends. I have become an angry, bitter, cynical woman that I don’t even like. I literally only have JESUS, my husband and kids left. I dislike my husband but want a family for my kids sake. The Bible says a double minded person is unstable and the enemy plays in my mind all day, everyday. I am trying to stay atop but sometimes more than not I’m not wearing my helmet of salvation tight enough. I need all the serious prayer warriors to pray for me and my babies. They don’t deserve this. I feel like I should hang in there because of them. But feel like maybe its time to officially throw in the towel.. my husband wants us to work but doesn’t understand why after all his efforts I’m so emotionally distant. Ugh! Please help. I just want what’s best for my babies!!! Help me JESUS!!!
(CANADA) This is the same as what I am going through. So terrified of being left that I would do anything to avoid it. Then when I feel safe enough that he is not going to leave me I struggle with trying to forgive the betrayal. It comforts me to remember that what my husband did was about him & had nothing to do with me. If your husband has changed directions & is working to clean up the mess he has made know that he is brave to stay & face his ‘short comings’, it would be so much easier to leave & start over again with a clean slate.
I feel the pain of being second or third after having 6 children with my husband, I gave & it wasn’t good enough for him, but it really has more to do with my self value than his poor choices. You were never second & they were never better than you. He just made some terrible choices. There will never be a relationship where things are easy. I hope you find the way to restoration & experience a more incredible relationship with your husband. I want that for myself but am so insecure to believe that he really does ‘prefer’ me, isn’t thinking about ‘her.’ The bottom line is, do these thoughts take me in the direction of success? If God gave you the miracle of your husband choosing you & changing direction then he can give you the miracle of a healed relationship.
I learned many things in this situation, the one that stands out often for me lately is that, it is hard for anyone to love a girl who does not love herself. When I’m sad I can make the choice to just love myself and if my husband wants to love me too I will receive it. Another really important thing is to not fight, run from, or hide from the pain. Allow yourself to feel it, to grieve. I know when I fight the hurt I end up beating myself up by comparing myself to ‘them’, by putting myself down & torturing myself & ripping apart my own self value. My heart goes out to you, we are even the same age.
(USA) Thank you so much for responding. It’s nice to know people care. The enemy is such a liar he tries to fool us into thinking we are alone. I feel so empty and I thank GOD for my babies several times a day because they’re truly my reason for holding on. As for my marriage, it’s pretty much over. It’s unfortunate that the pain isn’t. GOD bless!!
(USA) There is marriage in heaven. I know this like I know God lives. We have a Heavenly Father who loves us, is the father of our spirit and if there is a Father in heaven there is certainly a mother too. Families can be together forever and so can husbands and wives. Seek the truth like people in Christ’s time did… pray for guidance and listen and follow.
(CA) I recently found my husband was flirting with someone on the Internet, also talking to her on the phone. He calls her beautiful. 18 days ago I found out; I look at phone record. He told me he’s hurt that I brought this. He’s not sure if he is in love with me or ever has been in love. He says I mentally have hurt him. He can’t forgive the past. We’ve been together for 18 years, married 12. He said I never respected him and I never liked his family and I picked on everything he did wrong –that I never let it go.
I feel awful. I didn’t know he felt like that. He left 2 years ago but he came back. We have two children. His uncle moved in across the street. I didn’t make him feel welcome. He said that was the breaking point. I feel bad. I did wrong. I was frustrated cause they always borrowed stuff and never returned it. Now I have failed my children. He says he’s leaving and he never wants to work out this marriage. He says he’s too hurt.
I love him. I’m truly sorry for what I did back then. It was little things that became big. I grew to be better with him last year. He came back mean and cruel. I never wanted to hurt him. Now I lost the love of my life. And it’s going to break my kid’s hearts. The only problem is that he’s a coach. If he leaves he won’t be able to coach the kids because of the gas money. So he’s going to stay until the season is over. I don’t know how not to be angry or sad. I do wish him the best and I do care. I don’t know what to do. I am so jealous of this person he’s talking to. I know this is my fault. I wish he would have told me his feeling a long time ago. Maybe our marriage wouldn’t be over. I don’t know what to do? I pray to God to help me cause I sure need it. I wish him the best. I truly do. I don’t hate him. I do want him to be happy. He’s the father of my children.
(USA) I don’t have ALL the answers but I do know this. Your husband stepped outside your marriage NOT you! Instead of him owning what he did he’s blaming you and that’s wrong. It shows his immaturity and unwillingness to accept FULL respinsibility for HIS actions. It makes me think of the rapist who says I wouldn’t have done it if she wasn’t dressed ‘that way’. I’m sure your husband has his faults, as we all do but you didn’t forsake your vows. Our almighty GOD can turn this marriage around if that is his will, so pray for his will and not necessarily what you think you want. It hurts, I know!!! No one who hasn’t experienced it can even begin to understand.
My advice is to sit at the feet of JESUS!!! Pray, cry and write down your feelings and please know and believe YOU are NOT the reason why he cheated. He is the reason why he cheated. My husband has had SEVERAL short term affairs and one long term affair that I’m aware of and I have NEVER stepped outside my wedding vows. It’s a choice. I’ve struggled with his infidelity and have finally decided to file for a divorce. May GOD bless you and your family! You will be alright no matter what happens.
I am there too. My husband cheated on me with two women. And claims I drove him into the arms of the first woman. I also felt too that it was HIS choice to make to have an affair with her. He came back saying he still loved me on email. Then proceeded to lie continuously in trying to make our marriage work. I feel like he had an ulterior motive. He was deceptive. I think I married someone who was very immature and irresponsible. Never the less, as he was supposedly working on our marriage with me, he proceeded to start a second affair all the while telling me:”You either trust me or you don’t”. My rule now, is, once a cheat always a cheat? If you cannot own your wrongs, you can never make right.
(KENYA) Thanx Simone for your mails. I have been hurt by my husband for the last 9 years –the time which we have been married. He has cheated on me several times with different women most currently a long term one which I have learnt that they have been engaged with the said woman. I talked to that lady and she was very shocked that her so called fiancé (my husband) was married and said that she was very sorry and apologised for the pain that she caused me. My husband apologized casually, as he has always done after getting to know about his illicit affairs and am so hurt by his actions.
I am so bitter for taking for a ride for all the years we’ve been together. Together we have 2 beautiful children and for sure they’re the reason I’m still clinging onto this kind of marriage but my patience has run out completely. We just moved to our home, which we built together. I am tired! tired! tired! and feel used, dissapointed and even giving up. I have been very patient for 9 years! Did I mention that for the 2 years they were together the lady got pregnant? Unfortunately she lost the baby (got the information from this same lady). I need help and prayers too coz am very, very desperate. I have withdrawn any sexual contact with him coz I feel am risking myself. Please help me. Thank you.
(USA) Emmy, I’m so sorry for your pain. I obviously can relate. I wanted to comment on ‘your husband apologizing casually’. The Bible says “a man’s words come from his HEART”, so if his apology seems insincere that’s probably because it is. Your marriage is on a vicious cycle. He cheats, you find out, he apologizes, then fill in the blanks & it starts all over again.
I was watching TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network -you probably get it in your area also) & I heard a Christian pastor say “ignored behavior increases!!!” –Another quote I heard someone say is “The definition of insanity is doing the SAME thing over & over but expecting DIFFERENT results.”
Your husband is not likely to change if you don’t change also. Decide what you want and set your reasonable boundaries (ie: cut ALL ties with past lovers, no friends of opposite sex, go to church/read Bible as a family,) & if your husband doesn’t agree then you have your answer. (Expect a little resistance from him at first.)
I realized that my husband can only do to me what I allowed him to. You have to realize for yourself that you were created by the one & only living GOD to have a good life (John 10:10). You deserve better & you have to change in order to get better treatment from your husband. When you finally see yourself the way ALMIGHTY GOD sees you, you will see this season Of your life start to change.
GOD can turn your marriage around if that is his will! Focus on GOD, pray, ask GOD for wisdom & revelation, emotional and psychological healing for yourself, help forgiving your husband. Ask him to put people in your husband’s life that will encourage him to do GOD’s will. Ask him to show your husband the impact of his actions, most importantly pray for GOD’s will for your family all prayers in JESUS name Amen. I’m praying for your family!!!
(USA) Ten days before Christmas I found out my husband was having what he refers to as an “emotional affair”. He met a girl (I say girl because she is 26, my husband 36) through his work and began texting & calling her. As the months went on he began meeting her in bars weekly (he told me it was guys night out). The calls and texts became more frequent amounting to hundreds a day. He was even so bold as to text her while he was with me and say it was a male friend from work. I found out about his affair through cell phone records after he slipped up about girls being out on one of the “guys night out” events.
It lasted 3 months and he swears it was never more physical than hand holding and a hug goodnight. He says he is sorry and makes every attempt to make our marriage work everyday. The problem is that I’m having a terrible time forgiving him. We have been together since age 16 and married for the last 17 years with 3 beautiful children for a total of a 20 year long relationship. Prior to the affair we were happy, we rarely fought, we weren’t distance at all with each other, we were always intimate he was my very best friend. I never saw any signs of the affair coming.
He lied to me about so many things for months that I don’t even look at him as the same person. I’ve tried having faith, prayer, therapist, talks with the Pastor, etc… you name it, still I can’t help but feel betrayed and the trust is gone. I’m forever wondering if he is talking to her again. The worst part is that I had met this girl prior to his affair and I didn’t like the way she was so attentive to my husband so I warned him to be cautious of her. I even mentioned several times (during the months of his cheating) about this girl and the way she was with him as he would have to deal with her at work occasionally. He always laughed it off as if I was crazy all the while he was maintaining a relationship with her. He has since even admitted telling her about my concerns and that the two of them laughed about it behind my back.
His best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend also knew about the affair and even met them at the bar on several occasions. I feel betrayed by everyone as I thought these people were my friends. He says he was at a troubled time in his life due to a traumatic event at work and he made a bad decision. I don’t buy that excuse. I’ve asked for details about their time together and he refuses to give them to me simply saying he doesn’t remember every conversation. Does anybody have any advice for me?
(USA) Brooklyn! Your story mirrors mine so much is amazing! Five days before Thanksgiving my husband confessed to an affair with a woman at work who I had warned him about. He says it was primarily emotional with lots of texting and phone calling, a few drinks after work or coffee at Strabucks before work. They did have sex once. Once was enough to break my heart! My husband and I have been married for 19 years and he was my high school sweetheart. We have 2 children. We have been in counseling for the past 3 months making some progress but I struggle each day with depression and grief. He struggles with guilt and shame. When 2 people are hurting so much it’s difficult to relate to each other because both are so on the defense–everything is misunderstood and that leads to heated discussions or verbal fights. If you would like to chat with me personally off this blog I’d love to. I am a Christ follower.
(USA) Hi Camille: Thank you so much for your reply. I’m very alone and it’s comforting to have someone who can understand and listen. My husband is also my high school sweetheart. It’s heart breaking. We’ve also been in counseling since December. She seems to help my husband but I don’t feel any relief when I see her. If anything I feel more angry when I leave. Little bits of the truth seem to trickle out with each session. I am fearful that my husband will eventually confess to sexual contact with her or even kissing her. Or worse that he did and it and will continue to lie about it.
Our children are ages 14, 11 and 8. They are so very affected by this situation even though we try to shield them from our arguments.
Did you and your husband have any problems prior to the affair? Did you see it coming at all? I was floored. I struggle with him saying “I thought the grass was greener on the other side” “I was wrong & I’m sorry”. He tries so hard everyday to get me to forgive him and keep fighting for our marriage but I am so tired, worn out, broken and feel like I have no strength to keep fighting. I don’t feel like I can ever forgive him or get past what he did to us. I gave him everything, every part of my heart & soul. My entire life was him & our children. I don’t even know how to be me without him. I just want to rewind time and clearly that is not an option.
(USA) Brooklyn, I totaly understand as I was completely blindsided by this affair. Never in a million years would I have guessed this would happen to us! We’ve never had any problems of any kind but through counseling I’m learning that he did have issues with our marriage but never knew how to express them so he just bottled them up. He’s always been so faithful and such a good husband and father! Our children are 14 and 9. I sacrificed my career to be at home with them and to take care of our home. Only last year did I return to work and that was only part time. My life was my husband and my children.
I cannot imagine life without my husband yet I can’t fathom divorce either as it would tear the family apart and our children would be affected forever. Plus, I believe God would want reconciliation and restoration instead of divorce. We’ve been in counseling since Nov. I would ask if you’re seeing a counselor who has the same spiritual beliefs that you do. No sense in wasting time “seeking the counsel of the ungodly.” If she’s not helping you then maybe you guys need to find someone who works for both of you.
Second, I recommend that you see your doctor and get on some anti-depressant drugs if you I haven’t already. I also take a prescription sleeping aid. Depression clouds rational thinking. You cannot make life changing decisions right now anyway but certainly not while in a depressed state! My theory is to just continue with the counseling and continue to pray and ask God for help and guidance.
I live day by day. I can’t see down the road. I just have to trust God with the future. One thing that I found very helpful was to write a letter to the other woman. I kept of list of things I wanted to say to her for days (weeks?) until I finally felt the list was complete and then I typed it up and sent it to her and demanded that she send me a blank email in return so that I knew I was heard. I felt I deserved to have my say. My husband is very sorry and tries to make it up to me daily. He’s a broken man and though I feel sorry for him I still hold anger and resentment towards him.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster for over 3 months now. I’ve lost 30 pounds and at times felt that I was going insane. One thing that helps me is to realize that what my husband did was not just done to me but he also did it to our children. He risked everything! When I realize how much he loves them then I realize how addictive affairs must be for men. He would never hurt his kids yet he did in this instance. There is also a book called My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Brecht. She also has a website. She claims that an affair can be a wake up call that can be used to build a stronger than ever marriage. You can learn how to better take care of each other and come out stronger than ever. I’m not at that point yet but I like to have hope that beauty can come from ashes. Just curious to know what state you’re in. I’m in Texas. Hope some of this helps!
Brooklyn, Your desire to wanting to rewind time really hit home. I discovered my husband was having an affair 3 weeks ago when I read an email she sent him telling him that she had reserved a hotel room and was leaving him a key at the front desk. I was going out of state with my son that day for a week on a trip that couldn’t be cancelled. I called him and asked him about it and he claimed it was just someone he’d been talking to but that they had never had sex, that they had only been talking on the phone and texting. I naively held onto hope that he was telling the truth. I emailed the woman back (she is my age, 40, a woman who worked at his former company he had met at training) and asked her if they’d had sex. By the next day I had my answer from her. Yes, they had a couple of times. Once he knew she’d told me, my husband admitted it was true.
We talked a lot on the phone the week I was away. I was a roller coaster of emotions. But we did talk for hours. We had been going through a tough time in our marriage where we weren’t speaking to each other unless it was about the kids, we weren’t intimate for months, we had stopped saying I love you, we stopped wearing our wedding rings and he claims his self-esteem was non-existent. This woman began texting him and calling him on June 9th and by June 13th the texts became innaproppriate and instead of ignoring them he responded. He claims it felt good to be able to talk to someone who seemed interested in him, who didn’t look at him like he was lower than dirt. On June 19 she got a room at a nearby hotel and he and she met up with other co-workers and after he and she went up to her room and had sex. They met up again two days later (I was out of state with our two kids at the time) near a hotel near her house, she got a room again. That was the second time they had sex.
He and I were intimate for the first time in months and actually kissed in I don’t know how long on the night before I read the email. He claims that since I’d been back from out of town the first time (after he’d had sex with her twice) and we had begun talking he had started to think he needed to stop. He says that he just didn’t know how to get out of it, that he was just going to tell her he couldn’t make it that third time. It was supposed to be an overnight stay. He claims that they mostly talked about work and then later about what a good time they’d had. He spoke with her on the phone for an hour and texted for ten days before they had sex the first time! He claims he has no feelings for her, that he never considered her a friend. The texts and calls ended on July 11th (I check the phone bill call log) on his part and on the 13th on her part. I do believe he hasn’t had contact with her. He is scheduled to move out of our home next weekend. We have started marriage counseling and individual therapy. He says he is deeply sorry and says he will spent the rest of his life making it up to me.
I want to believe him. We have talked more these last 3 weeks than we have all of 2013. But then things like dates and events or pictures come up and I find that I’m classifying things as “Before he started talking to him” “Before he cheated” “After I found out” and so on. And I find myself thinking, “if only we’d talked, if only we’d swallowed our pride and talked, if only I’d swallowed my self rightousness, maybe the affair wouldn’t have happened.” It’s enough to drive me crazy. I find myself thinking that if only I could rewind time. There’s so much regret on my part, then I wonder how painful is his regret?
He has issues with compulsive gambling (which I found out about a year and a half ago, the root of the problems we were having) and is now committed to working on that, on becoming a better man, and working on our marriage. I told him I can’t guarantee that our marriage can be saved because the pain is too fresh right now. If only we can rewind time. How long til the pain starts to lessen?
Edith. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It has been a year since I discovered that my husband was having an affair, which he broke off when I found out. You asked if the pain does get better. Thank God it does though you will still remember some days what happened and sometimes it seems like the pain is all fresh. But other days you’ll realise that you’re having more good days than bad ones.
Yesterday on the 4th of December it was our wedding anniversary though there where moments where I thought about what he did but I forced myself to think about the good memories we shared as a family. The only way you can get through this is with God. By our own power and wisdom we cannot do it.
Every time I remembered the affair I’d force my mind to meditate on the word of God. I kept on confessing that I forgive him even when I did not feel like it. I told him I loved him even when it really hurt me, I asked God to help to not say anything I will regret. We have two boys and all I kept on saying was that I didn’t want my kids to grow up in broken family; they need both of us. I’m not totally over it but I thank God that now I’m able to see the good that came after the ugliness we went through. Camille and Brooklyn I pray that your marriages survived this. I’ll keep on praying for you
Thanks Joey, for the encouraging advice to Joey. What a horrible thing to go through and yet, with your eyes on the bigger picture –your boys, and the Lord, there is hope for a better today and tomorrow. I admire your heroism. The spouse who is able to give forgiveness and the grace to continue on in the marriage, making the effort to rebuild truly is a hero in my eyes. Nothing tears at the heart of a spouse than to be betrayed in this way. God knows that… He lives with that pain every day as He watches His bride turn their back on Him. Thanks again for sharing. I pray for you and Edith, and Camille, and Brooklyn, and others who have posted here. I’m praying and believing with you and for you.
Thank you Joey & Cindy for the kind words and prayers. Each day is a little easier. Often times I still feel like the pain is fresh but I work very hard to push those thoughts out of my head and focus on the good. Our marriage is moving in a very positive direction and I’ve seen real changes in my husband that are very refreshing. There is always a fear that I am the fool and I will someday find out he is still cheating but the stronger part of me chooses to believe that he is genuine and we are making an effort to get back to the place it all began before the damage, hurt and lies. Please continue to send prayers and I will do the same. God Bless.
(USA) Camille: Thank you again for your response. I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your situation. I overlooked that in my prior message. Though we have never met I’m sending hugs your way from one broken heart to another. The hugs are coming very far as I am from Pennsylvania! I could not agree more, our counselor is very ungodly. She is helping my husband because she specializes in ptsd, which he has. She feels his affair was caused by his clouded judgement due to his ptsd. I don’t agree with her but that is the stand she is taking.
I just received another name of a counselor from our Pastor. I am confident this one will be a little more helpful. Can I ask if you and your husband discussed in detail his relationship with the other woman? I have this strong need to know facts and details and he is so reluctant to give them to me as to avoid hurting me more. I have called “the other woman” twice and both times she was hateful and rude. I’ve also considered the letter. However, I know she will probably just laugh at me and that is not what I need.
I know just how you feel with it, though. It is a thought that crosses my mind every single day. My husband did express that he spent some time telling her that he was frustrated with my career. I have been a Realtor for the last 15 years. The last 2 of them were very difficult as the economy is so bad and that has a direct effect on the market. He was usually very supportive. However, in the last year or so he became bitter toward my work. I’ve since switched gears and got a part time job to earn a steady paycheck.
I have resentment toward him for that choice I made as a direct result of his affair. I did contact my doctor and got on something to help take that edge off. I also have lost 20 lbs. I can’t even remember how many days I didn’t eat a thing in the very beginning. I’m depressed, sad and tired most days. But I know that I am strong and I have a great deal of faith that I believe will see us through this bump in the road of an otherwise very happy marriage.
I am very grateful for you. God puts people in our lives and on our path for a specific reason and so he has lead me to you. Maybe we can help each other. In the meantime, I will check out that book & website. Thank you again.
(USA) Thanks for the hugs! I send them back to you. My heart is definitely broken though I know my husband’s is broken too. He feels terrible and try as he may there is nothing that can be done to reverse the past. There is no fix and for a man, that’s difficult to accept. However, I’m in so much pain I really can’t deal too much with his. Several websites I’ve been on say that betrayal by a spouse is equivalent to PTSD! I believe it!
You asked whether or not we had discussed the affair in detail. Yes I would say we did at the beginning. He answered all my questions though my father says he’s probably not telling me everything and what he did tell me was probably not described as bad as it truly was. Howeveir I do think there has to come a point where you don’t ask anymore about the relationship. Its keeps you from moving on and is hurtful for him to be reminded of his failure and sin. However every website I’ve been on says the one who had the affair must answer questions that the betrayed spouse has. Though you should be careful because some things you truly may not want to know. My problem now is that I’ve thought of some more questions but don’t feel right bringing it up again when we’re trying so hard to move forward. I don’t yet know what I’ll do about that.
I know I need to forgive and let go (not forget) but I can’t, at least not right now. It’s impossible for me to not think about what has happened and to not be hurt by those thoughts. I still require sleeping pills to sleep through the night and anti-depressants to make it through the day so I know physically my body is not even ready to let go. How can I expect to let go mentally and emotionally?
It has helped me to share my tragedy with 3 women at my church. One has been a mentor to me, the other is my best friend whose husband had an affair and the 3rd is a new friend that God sent specifically for this time. She has been the other woman and was also betrayed by her spouse so she’s had lots to tell me. They all 3 have prayed so much for me/us.
I just got off the phone with a dear friend who has a husband who had a porn and masturbation addiction. She agrees that in order to heal you have to let go and forgive. She said you also have to maintain your relationship with God. No matter what your husband does or has done is irrelevant to your relationship with God. He still loves you as his daughter and you cannot get through this without Him.
We also agreed that although God didn’t lead my husband down the road to adultery He did permit it to occur for whatever reason. My friend said I should consider that God wouldn’t allow this incident to occur so that I would live my life a martyr, sad and depressed, feeling robbed. What is God trying to teach me through this is something I have to discover. I need to tell him that I need to see what He has for me to learn and grow from. He needs to be clear in showing that to me. It brings purpose out of pointlessness and beauty from ashes.
(USA) Camille: You are very wise to keep your faith, I am working on that though every day is a struggle. I’m very glad I can turn to the Lord for strength, I really do not know how anyone who doesn’t have faith can make it through such betrayal.
I agree also with the need to forgive but not forget. I think remembering what happened serves as a constant reminder for us to not take each other and our love for granted ever again. I would however encourage you to ask your husband your questions, most websites I have researched do state the spouse that betrayed needs to be an open book and answer any/all questions has honestly as possible. It has seemed to help me to get the answers I was searching for.
My husband has been pretty helpful in that department in the last 2 weeks FINALLY! I will continue to pray for you & your family and hope you will keep me in your thoughts and prayers as well. Thank God you have those powerful women in your life to help you along, I only have one friend that is a wonderful support system the others just seem to want gossip. I did leave my personal email address for you however I think this site edited my post for safety reasons so I will just continue to keep in touch with you on here. I hope in the coming months we will both continue to heal and have happier posts as we move toward summer and healing our marriages. Blessings, Brooklyn
(USA) Your comments about looking forward to the Summer are encouraging. I struggle with the idea that were it not for our children and their wanting to grow up in the house I might have just walked away. I believe you can love someone and just not be able to live with them because its too painful. I continue to ask God for the return of the romantic feelings, admiration, respect and love I once had for my husband.
You mentioned not taking your love for granted. My counselor said you can never put your marriage on autopilot. I understand that but I think being married to someone for nearly 20 years ought to give me some amount of security and comfort.
I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds. I decided that since I’m not getting any younger and this is the thinnest I’ll probably ever be I decided to get my photographer friend to take some photos of me. We spent over and hour outside. I had 2 different outfits. It was so much fun. It was something I did for myself and I loved it! It was a great ego booster!
I also tried to leave my email address for you but it was edited out. :( God bless!
Camille: I believe Marriage Missions has a policy of not publishing e-mail addresses.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi All, Your posts have given me so much hope. My husband and I met 7 years ago and have been married for three years. We had what I believed to be a good strong marriage with big plans for our future, including starting a family. My world was shattered when I discovered three weeks ago about his cheating. He claims there were so many because all of them were casual sex affairs.
My husband thinks I’m very overweight. I currently weigh 150lbs and have been trying to drop 30 pounds before I found out about the cheating. I was told that there is no spark or excitement in our sex life and the weight is a part of it. All of the women he cheated with were tiny. I decided to continue on my weight loss journey but I’m doing this for myself as none of my clothes fit me and due to studying for my masters my sedentary lifestyle has not helped me.
I thank GOD in all His glory and love for revealing this to me. It is so hard to not think about the hurt and pain that he has caused me. We had counseling at the church and at that point decided to save our marriage. I believe that GOD only wants what is best for us. It’s a journey and today is one of my low points. The worst was that he told today three weeks into our trying to repair our marriage that he told some of his mistresses that the reason he pursued that was due to my physical unattractiveness and my lack of skills in the bedroom. That hurt even more than the betrayal. How is it that if these women were hookups with no strings attached he would have the guts and the cruelty to humiliate me like that in their eyes?
I have been crying for a lot of today. But I know that with GOD’s help this too shall pass. I just pray that I begin to see myself and how I have been as a wife in the way that GOD sees me. Amen and blessings to you all. I pray the love of Jesus Christ may help all of you during this sad time and to know that everything happens for a reason and GOD shapes and molds during trials. Allow yourself to be broken and made whole again by GOD through Jesus Christ our Savior.
(USA) Nomthi, I’m so sorry to hear your story! Such a superficial reason given for why your husband had multiple affairs or one night stands. Our weight is not who we are! I am a person who cannot eat when stressed so over the past four months I’ve lost 30+ pounds. My doctor is concerned as I’m now entering the range for anorexia. I have to force feed myself daily. Are you experiencing anything like this?
I wanted to ask if your husband is truly sorry and remorseful for his behavior. If he is not I don’t see how you can save your marriage. He must repent and ask God’s forgiveness and yours. God must reveal to him the superificiality of his thinking when it comes to how he views you.
I pray that you all will be able to save your marriage. All things are possible with God but both people have to want God’s help and want to save the marriage. If you aren’t able to save it I envy the fact that you have no children yet. I have 2 and a divorce would rip the family apart and cause emotional damage that would last a lifetime for them. I have to fight for my marriage because I can’t bear to harm my children. I have to climb this mountain whether I want to or not.
I will pray for you today that you see God in all this that you are going through. I hope you have been to see your doctor. I desperately needed an anti-depressant and and prescription strength sleeping pill. Take care of yourself. You are a daughter of the King of Kings and he knows and hears you.
Hi Edith, I’m so sorry I didn’t see your post before now. I haven’t been on this site in several months. I’m so very sorry to hear yet another faithful wife is standing in my shoes. I wish we didn’t have to feel such pain and hurt but am thankful for this website and for all of you that help me just to know my feelings are normal and okay to have. The time of year and approaching the one year mark of the nightmare that has now become my reality has prompted me to visit once again. As it has been almost one full year I can tell you that I have “begun” to heal. I don’t say I have healed because I’m no where near that point yet. I still think of the affair daily.
I do believe that my husband is truly sorry and if he could he would take it all back in a heartbeat. I don’t distrust him or check the phone records anymore. What’s the point? With all the modern technology he could have a track phone or another means of communication if he really wanted to. I believe he is where he says he is and did what he said he was doing. It still doesn’t change what happened and the place of comfort I was once in and will never return to that I am sure of.
I’ve been back and fourth a million and one times “should I stay or should I go” and each time I end up reminding myself that I love this man; he’s the first person I want to tell something to both good and bad. He’s the one person I want to spend my free time with aside from my children and at the end of the day he makes my life complete. I think if I could get my faith back we could be happy together once again; that’s where I struggle. I don’t blame God I just feel alone and abandoned.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME, how are you doing? Are you and your husband still working toward making your marriage work? Is he still living on his own or has he returned home? I read a book called My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. It gave some good advice. Sometimes a jolt of what we had and stand to lose can make our marriage stronger than it ever was. I hope this is the case for you.
I can tell you one thing, always make time to listen to your husband because when you don’t there is always someone waiting to take your place. And take the time to do the little things, like making each other a cup of coffee just because… it’s those little things that let you know your spouse really is thinking about you and wants to make you happy. I’ll pray that things work out for you. Keep in touch.
My wife walked to me exactly after our 1st wedding anniversary and told me she wanted a divorce because she had her own dreams and wanted to be happy in her life. It was shocking at first but was real. Whole lots of things happened but she stood by what she said and got families to meet and dissolved the marriage at home (now left with court dissolution). She left the country Ghana to Turkey and 2 months later, she called telling me she was sorry but she was having an affair and I should move on with my life as well. Its been almost 1 and half years, since she left. I have fully recovered from all pain, hurts, and public shame etc. I initially decided to stay single for life afterward to avoid further trooubles from women. But after this period, I realized I don’t see myself being single for life. After all I am still young (29yrs). I have opened up to making new friends and meeting new ladies and life is actually fun now.
Now, I have really prayed into this matter, and met ladies, BUT IS IT POSSIBLE FOR GOD TO ACTUALLY DIRECT ME TO A WOMAN THAT I HONESTLY DON’T HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR??
2. How do I know that God is directling me to a particular lady?
Ricky, First, I’m sorry for the pain you had to endure when your wife walked out on you. At the same time I congratulate you for the 18 months you took to “process” your pain and find healing from the Lord before even considering moving onto another relationship. These steps would have been exactly what we (Marriage Missions) would have recommended you follow.
Too often people who are hurt by divorce rush into a new relationship in an attempt to try and lessen their pain and find happiness. But more often than not, the end result is that they find themselves in a disastrous relationship that will also ultimately end in divorce. And the cycle continues.
So, now you find yourself in a place where you are open to a new relationship…and that can be good. But the challenge is “how will I know the ‘new woman is God’s choice for me?” And then you add the question, “Is it possible that God would direct me to a woman that I honestly have no feelings for?”
Let me give you my opinion on the second question first. I can’t say it’s “not possible” for God to do this (for nothing is impossible for God). Yes, I’ve heard stories of “arranged” marriages where the couple didn’t know each other (let alone, love each other) before they got married, but over the years they grew to love each other. But those are the exception – and not the rule. It is my personal belief that God RARELY works this way.
But, then how do you know who is the best person for you to marry? The fact that you’ve been divorced makes you more sensitive to finding the “right” person the next time. You don’t want to experience that “pain” again. And that’s a good thing. This is the time for you to take a personal inventory and get real honest with yourself. Ask God to reveal to you the attributes, habits, idiosyncrasies in your life that contributed to the breakdown in your first marriage. The psalmist David prayed, “Examine me, God, and know my mind, test me, and know my thoughts.” (Psalm 139:2) and also “Test me, LORD, and try me, examine my heart and my mind;” (Psalm 26:2).
I guess what I’m trying to say, Ricky, is that you first need to work on “becoming the right person” for someone to marry rather than “finding the right person to marry.” God wants us men to be His ambassadors in loving the woman He brings our way to be our wife. And that’s not easy…but it is doable. Do everything you can now, Ricky, to prepare yourself for what God has for you in the future.
Next, when it comes time to start getting ready to court a woman to find out if she is “The One” there’s a process we can help you go through. On our web site there are many articles to help couples “know” if the person they’re thinking of marrying is, in fact, the right…or best person…for them. Go into our Preparing For Marriage section and start reading. This is work that few couples are willing to do. But for those who invest the time and energy, their marriages are far more likely to not only survive, but THRIVE.
No one can tell you “who” you should marry, Ricky. There is no “magic formula” to determine it for you. It takes time, a lot of prayer and seeking God for His will to be done in your life, and then work – in preparing yourself for marriage.
I end by saying if you are not willing to put the time and hard work into becoming the man God wants you to be and to prepare yourself for marriage, you will be far better off remaining single so you can avoid the possibility of another divorce in the future. And a word of warning: If you can’t find a godly woman willing to invest the time herself, then she isn’t God’s perfect choice for you.
I hope this gives you some food for thought. Blessings! – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International
Finding out that your spouse is cheating on you is a really unfortunate situation. One of my friends is trying to regain his wife’s trust after he cheated on her with his business partner’s secretary. She was really heart broken when she found out. I hope that she’ll forgive her husband. He seems as though he’s willing to do anything to regain her trust. He’s ended his affair and he told me that he’s looking for couple’s therapy sessions to sign up for. I hope that they can work things out.
I have learned from my 19 yr. old daughter that a 15 yrs old girl has contacted her, telling her she is her half sister, sending her pictures of my husband with her on her birthday as well as telephone messages from my husband and love letters. There is no doubt that she is her daughter. I have been married for 20 years, been with my husband for 25 years. We have 5 children together, the youngest being only 3 yrs old. Since that day, I cannot find peace in my heart. The worst for me is that he has kept it a secret, and has been in contact with the child, writing to her that he misses her and thinks about her.
He has been a dad who was frequently absent, always on business trips and knowing that he had a double life, making me believe that he was working overtime while he was visiting his daughter. I feel betrayed, I feel stupid spending so many years with someone who lied to me. When I asked him about that girl, he said its only a rumor. In fact, he did not admit until he knew the children and I have seen a picture of him and the girl, his telephone msg to the girl as well as the letter she wrote to him. All these were shown to us by the girl herself. We asked for nothing.
Now, that girl is putting the picture she took with her dad on her facebook about with subtitle: my dad. She has also told different friends of my children of her existence. When we asked her to remove that picture, she refused saying its her right, her dad too. I am very disappointed at my husband. I feel that he played on me, ruined my life and caused me and my children to feel ashamed. How can someone keep a secret for such a long time? It hurts me more that he was living this double life. I feel that my whole life was a lie. I was the wife but he had another secret life. I feel dirty and very stupid. I would have appreciated that HE informed me and not the child. How cheap that when asking him about the girl’s existence, he told his mother that he has nothing to do with the child and has not officially declared her on her birth certificate.
I forgot to mention that my husband has been in prison for the past 2 yrs and I have been supporting him faithfully . Now, I feel he doesnt deserve my love, my patience, my forgiveness. After all I’ve been through with him, I cannot accept that he again lies to me concerning his daughter. What have I done to deserve this? I’ve been looking..cannot find the answer. Why? How? I don’t have the answer…I will never be the same again…The child is a constant reminder of the husband’s betrayal.