Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

You’d think that a wayward spouse would be aware of his or her weakness, and aware of the pain inflicted. And because of this awareness, he or she would be thoughtful enough to make every effort to avoid further contact with the lover. Instead, the wayward spouse often argues that the relationship was “only sexual.” Another argument this spouse gives is that it was “only emotional, but not sexual” or some other peculiar description. They say this to prove to the other spouse that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most betrayed spouses intuitively understand the danger and demand that all contact with a lover end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to the betrayed spouse.

Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children’s schooling, I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair. And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover.

Several years ago, I owned and operated ten chemical dependency treatment clinics. At first, we used several different treatment strategies. For some, we tried to encourage moderation, and for others we tried to achieve total abstinence. Eventually, all of the counselors agreed that total abstinence was the only way to save drug or alcohol addicts from their self-destructive behavior.

Unless they completely abandoned the object of their addiction, the addiction usually returned. For these people, moderation was impossible. The conviction that their drug of choice was off-limits to them for life, helped end their cycle of addiction-treatment-addiction.

Total Separation Strategy

My strategy for ending an affair with total separation from the lover developed after my experience treating addicts. And, over the years, I’ve found my total-separation strategy to be very effective in ending affairs in a way that makes marital recovery possible. Without total separation, marital recovery is almost impossible.

An affair is a very powerful addiction. The craving to be with the lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn’t have much of a chance. Their spouse and children may be permanently injured by this cruel indulgence, but it doesn’t seem to matter. All that matters is spending more time with the lover. That makes it an addiction.

Affairs Are Addicting

Even the one-night stand may be an addiction. It may not be an addiction to a particular lover, but it may still be an addiction —to one-night stands. In affairs that have low emotional attachment, the addiction is often to the act of having sex itself, rather than to a particular lover.

The addiction to one-night stands can also grow from a need to be continually assured of one’s attractiveness. People who indulge in such practices want to feel that they can have anyone they want, even that person over there sitting at the bar. These people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness must learn some other way to gain that assurance —a way that does not destroy their marriage.

The analogy between chemical addiction and an affair is striking. In both cases, the first step toward recovery is admitting that the addiction is self-destructive and harmful to those whom the addict cares for most —his or her family.

Suffering from Withdrawal

After recognizing the need to overcome the addiction, the next step is to suffer through the symptoms of withdrawal. Addicts are often admitted to a hospital or treatment program during the first few weeks of withdrawal. This is to ensure total separation from the addicting substance.


The way to overcome an addiction has been tried and proven. Addicts must abstain from the object of their addiction. Alcoholics, for example, must completely avoid contact with any alcoholic beverage to gain control over their addictive behavior. They must even avoid friends who drink occasionally in their presence. In addition, they must surround themselves with an alcohol-free environment. In the same way, when a wayward spouse separates from the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken. They are to avoid all contact with the lover —for life.

Of course, my advice is not easy to implement. Many people who have had an affair try but fail to make a drastic and decisive break with their lover.

The above article is adapted from the book, Surviving an Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Revell. This book is a great guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity —from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage. The authors Dr’s. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.

— ALSO —

To find further help on this issue, please read the two linked articles below. (Note: they are not Christian articles, but the information is very sound and is scripturally sound.)



— PLUS —

You will find below an additional linked article written by Dr Willard Harley Jr, to read, that you might find helpful:


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Filed under: Surviving Infidelity

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623 responses to “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair

  1. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Jackie, I am in the same boat as you. I have a gorgeous, wonderful husband and two kids yet 5 years ago I started this relationship with this wonderful, intelligent man that captured my attention since I met him. When I was with him it appeared as if my world was complete and nothing else mattered.

    Along the way I got to know that he had women everywhere and kids with most but this did not matter because I enjoyed the feeling of being in love. To capture his attention I lost 30 kgs, had a tummy tuck, dressed well and lived dreams that were not fulfilled as a child. My life was like a pendulum, when I was with him I lived a fantasy life and when I was at home I was the best mother and wife but all the time planning my time with him. THE SEX WAS AWESOME and he kept me addicted.

    Recently he started not being available for me and would not take or receive my calls. I started going crazy. Today I forced myself into his apartment, confronted him and his response was that he had broken up with me. I broke his cell phones and his Ipad and other things. He called the police and they escorted me out of his premises.

    Within our deceit we had a degree of honesty and I thought that we will be together forever because we agreed that we were SOUL MATES. I am bitter but fortunately my family is there to love me unconditionally… I know that I don’t deserve them. ME, what do I do now??? …slash my wrists and die???

    1. (USA)  Your pain is heart-wrenching, but I read one thing -your love from your family. You made a mistake, you want to end your life, but LET them love you back to reality, to help you find your self again. Accept TRUE LOVE -not the lie you were living. I pray for your strength to let them give you life.

    2. (USA)  When will you women stop believing all the lies and the nonsense that you keep letting these guys tell you? I’m saying this not only because I’m a guy but also as someone with a phyche degree and who has been on the receiving end of a cheating fiancé (2nd time this has happened).

      I had just been discharged from the Navy and was looking forward to getting out there in the job market and living a normal life again (a little backstory). Before I joined the military I had a girlfriend whom I was madly in love with that I had met in college. Well, after we had been together a couple of years I decided to ask her to marry me. Well, she said yes but then a couple of days later she told me she had to get something off her chest and proceeded to tell me about an affair she had about 7 or 8 months into our relationship that lasted about a month. Needless to say I was devastated and the only way I knew to cope with it was to run away and drop all contact with her (ie joined Navy). I was told by my family that for like a year afterwards she kept trying to get some contact info on me but my parents lied and told them I always did the contacting.

      Well, fast forward after the Navy and I’m in the real world working and living life to the fullest. I was at this party a friend of mine was throwing when his wife decided to play matchmaker and introduce me to a friend of hers from work. I never believed in love at first site but I fell for her instantly and wound up asking her on a date that night. We started dating and everything was magical because after my first heartache I never thought I could love a girl this much again. A year and a half later I asked her to marry me and she said yes! We had set our wedding date for it to happen in the Spring which was like 8 months away.

      A few months into the planning of the wedding the holiday season was upon us and that meant holiday parties were happening everywhere. She went to a party with some old HS friends of hers (I was out of town) and end up running into an old HS flame that she used to be involved with. I know she was a little upset that I had to go out of town because she wanted me to meet some of her old friends but I didn’t think she was that upset. She reconnected with him and started what I call a mini affair that she said lasted the whole week I was gone.

      When I got back from my trip I could tell something was wrong with her and confronted her and that’s when she proceeded to tell me about the affair. It rocked me to my very core. How could this have happened to me again? She cried and pleaded with me not to break off the engagement but I just couldn’t trust her anymore. She tried to explain why it had happened and that this ex flame told her exactly what she wanted to hear when she was venting to him about me not being there, but I told her I couldn’t trust her anymore.

      I immediately moved out of our townhouse and tried to have as little contact with her as I could. That’s been 4 years ago and I’ve never had a gf since. I’ve tried to go out on dates a couple of times but I just could never get comfortable. I know I’m scared and there’s nothing I’ve been able to do to get past it. I’ve talked to family, friends, and even my priest but have become resigned to the fact that I’m probaly going to be alone the rest of my life and that sux! Looking for Hope,

  2. (USA)  First off, there’s too much of the “men are such dogs” on here. It takes 2 to tango and women are just as quick to cheat as men are. I think women do it out of pain and neglect more often than men do. I just recently found out my wife had an affair and it’s destroying me from the inside out. But I also know that I have to shoulder some of the blame.

    Because I do truly love her, I want to forgive her. I am also guilty of infidelity and confessed to a drunken one night stand. Never ever in my life would I have thought we would hurt each other this way. She had an affair prior to my slip up, but didn’t come clean until months after I confessed. I know how shameful I felt so I can only assume the guilt and pain had been eating her up also.

    I am one of those people who always said I would leave her if she cheated and I really believed I would. It’s the most disgusting thing in the world. But now I find myself wanting to dissect our marriage and figure out what we both did to drive each other away.

    It may not be right of me, but I blame her more because she had an ongoing affair for a few months. It was a one time thing for me. But I understand it’s not the frequency, it’s the act itself. She’s not really ready to talk about our problems but we have agreed to seek counseling. So for all of you that have been cheated on, take a look in the mirror while your bashing your spouse. There very well could be some things about yourself that you couldn’t see.

  3. (AUSTRALIA)  I have read almost of all the articles posted that relates most to my situation. Although I am not the only one going through this, it seems that it does feel that I am all alone as I have no one to tell what I am going through with.

    First, I have been married for 10 years with two kids. My husband is a great provider and an excellent father. But throughout the years of accumulating assets, my husband wants more… putting pressure on both of us… the fighting and shouting has been constant and I am very tired from it. We have drifted apart for almost 2 years now but continue living our life for the sake of our children.

    I have been working where I am for almost 8 years and I have met a nice? man who is also married. I don’t know what kind of relationship he has with his wife and I don’t really want to know. We started off as friends (as most do) …sending hundreds of text messages. I do not LOVE this man; he might just be filling in the void that has been missing in my life. He makes me feel good… especially when compliments fly my way.

    So we can actually call this an affair as it has already been to all the levels that you can think of. We have tried to stop but it seems that I am the fantasy that has come true for him and it’s very hard for him to go and leave me alone. As far as I know, I was not his first affair but am told that I am the longest and the “BEST” …doesn’t make me feel good at all!!!

    I have NEVER done anything like this before in my life and am trying very hard to get away from him. Literally run away!!! I have been for the last 3 weeks but I keep getting sucked in by his words …He will be the first and last. But like everyone says it’s an addiction!!! A high that makes you feel good but only for a few minutes.

    I pray to GOD everyday that he forgives me for hurting the people I love and I also pray for him to stop hurting his family. I am hurting and I have no one to tell. I believe that GOD will not give me this if I cannot handle this. I am a strong person and I will get over this …only time will tell.

  4. (USA)  I read through some of the comments and the general tone is that of condemning people having affairs. Cheating on your partner is cowardly but I think society should start being more honest about absolute monogamy. Hasn’t anyone considered the possibility that it is possible to fall in love with more than one person even after entering a committed relationship?

    Monogamy and marriage are choices that humans make. Remember, marriage is older than any religion itself. Marriage has evolved over the centuries from being purely an arrangement for family, kids and security to include more romantic love and dating for compatibility before marriage. In Biblical and older times, people did not have the individual freedom to date and even choose their partners and leave them at will.

    As for cheating, the boundaries are not always clear. One could, for example, be in love with a person outside the marriage but never have any sort of physical relationship. In fact, some affairs could purely be platonic friendships. One should have a honest discussion with one’s spouse about the boundaries.

    The truth is, society and religion only paint a very one-sided view of romantic relationships and marriage so that every marriage should be a life-long commitment even if there are severe incompatibilities and unhappiness. Few of us even question the possibility of falling in love outside the union or of any number of issues entering the relationship as the years go by. One of the reasons is that we cannot even truly imagine such possibilities as we are relatively young and inexperienced when we enter into lifelong unions. Inexperience does not always have to come with youth; if you have never been through breakups and bad times, you will never fully understand the drifting apart of a couple.

    I do not endorse dishonesty but I must say this -in such forums, all I see is guilt being induced in the name of God. People do fall in love with other married people or with those outside marriage but they should also realize that all they can do is accept the situation, respect the other parties involved and maintain honesty and integrity. Love and sex is natural/endowed by God (depending on your beliefs) but marriage is a commitment invented by humans. We should honor other people’s vows and our own because it is not that God expects all married people to stay faithful and together for the rest of their lives but because God values integrity and compassion towards your fellow human being.

    1. (USA) I think it’s possible to fall into lust or infatuation with more than one person, but love? You see, love is what you do, not how you feel. So if you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse, that means you’ve stopped doing those loving things. So maybe instead of being honest about monogamy, we need an honest discussion of what love really is. It’s not what the world is selling. It’s not some oohey gooey feeling in my stomach. It’s the action I take for another person.

      Marriage is not older than religion. It may be older than recorded, organized faiths. But the first marriage ceremony was performed by God when He made Eve for Adam, set them in the garden and gave them a rule and a command.

      The problem is we, humans, try to re-define marriage and love to suit what we want them to mean at a particular time. God has already defined marriage, so no need to argue about what he meant. He was pretty clear, one man, one woman, until one of them dies. If folks reject God’s definition of marriage, does that mean His definition is wrong? Of course not. If I reject the law of gravity or that the world is round, that doesn’t change the fact that we have gravity and the world is round.

      I suggest we honor our vows for BOTH those reasons, because God both expects us to follow His laws and that he values our integrity and compassion towards others. I don’t find it compassionate to give someone who is contemplating an affair the advice that folks should just accept the fact that affairs happen and folks fall in love with others all the time. Had God wanted to say affairs were OK, would God have allowed such consequences to fall on the family of David, resulting from his affair with Bathsheba? If the affair was such a good thing, then why did the sword never leave his family after that day?

      If you are going to offer advice, especially with respect to what God wants, at least make sure it’s accurate and well grounded in scripture. Perhaps marriage as practiced by humans today is a “commitment” invented by humans, because the humans certainly are not doing marriage as God designed it in The Garden

  5. (USA)  Hi. I am in the same situation right now. I’ve been involved with a married man. He left his wife for me and we lived together for almost 3 years. We had our own share of fights just like every couple. I knew and felt that he really loved me. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have left his wife and chose me in front of her. They have two kids.

    Just recently, everytime we would have misunderstandings no matter how small it is, he would leave the house and not contact me at all. He would say that he was just confused and needed space. He said that he stays at his friend’s house. I believed it at first but now I know that he was lying. Those fights are just his way of an escape to get back to his wife.

    Prior to the fight we just had last Sunday, he was with his wife for 10 days, and would not contact me or even text me. But he leaves his mobile open. It hurts me so much not knowing what was really going on with him and his wife. He said that he was just there for his kids. He went back to me saying he will never again leave and that he would make it up to me this time. Then we had an argument again. I would always talk to him whenever he comes back telling him that we should at least work it out and try to talk sensibly about how we can better handle our differences. He would just listen and say he understands.

    But you see, I don’t think he ever loved me at all. I am more well off than him and I think that was what attracted him to me. He experienced things that he never had the chance to experience with his wife. Now I doubt if he will ever come back. I found out that he went back to his family of course. I feel less pain now than I used to when he would leave the house all the time. I mean, even if I take him back again, it would still be the same. We would fight then he’ll leave to be with his wife.

    The guy I am in loved with has poor character and weak judgement. I can’t put up with him anymore. I just pity his wife because I know that it will never be the same between her and this man again. He was just there because he couldn’t go anywhere else. There’s nobody he can turn to anymore. He ate up all his pride. Right now there is just so much I want to do. The feeling of sadness is still there but I wouldn’t allow this person to control me anymore. I wouldn’t allow my anger to eat me.

    I know that he would still attempt to call me even if it’s just for sex which he said he lacks with his wife. But now I can gladly say that it’s over. I have so much future and opportunities knocking at my door. He will always be the same. And even if he succeeds to make his life better, I know that he knows he has learned so much from me that he will carry on for the rest of his life.

  6. ((USA))  Greetings to all! I must say that reading all of your situations are very interesting. At the same time it shows me how individuals fail to maintain a healthy conscious when they allow a so called friend to enter their comfort zone. It saddens me to find so many people fail to up hold to their vows in marriage by allowing a sentimental connection of a close friend to satisfy their emotional needs. Do not marry if you have such needs plain and simple. If you are unaware that you may have such needs do not marry just because it is convenient.

    Our society takes marriage as a joke and “pimp” God without actually taking his words seriously. I know the truth hurts. Our main problem in our society is that church is not enough. One must apply meditation and devotion to his or her life daily to fully consume the Universal God’s morals and guidance. We fail because we often think by attending church it will protect us from harms way, but time often proves that with lack of knowledge and discipline we fall off course and do wrong.

    I know it works because I apply it in my life. I have come in contact with plenty of women that were physically attracted to me and they would have allowed me to have my way but my spiritual nature and conscious level of respect won’t allow me to do so. Especially if they are married. My Universal God has taught me to never take from another mans home nor touch another mans property even if they are just in a relationship. This is the honor and respect I speak of. If male and female apply these rules society can began to heal from many damaging problems that we deal with today.

    I also know that within marriages other problems occur like money issues and other responsibilities. That still does not give a woman or man the right to open their heart and legs to someone that is willing to listen. We all need a shoulder to cry on but that does not mean on the 3rd week to spread your legs for them. Learn to have boundaries and all will be well. Keep this in mind if a stranger off the streets tries to get sex from you. You would feel insulted and want to press charges. What is the difference from a person you are not married too?

    I hope the best to you all and I shall pray and meditate that you all learn from your lessons and respect the commitment you choose to be apart. Thank You

  7. (USA) I would like to say that I truly respect the words of wisdom that Tony and Charles tell the women on this panel. There is so much more you can learn from males that have felt the torment of an unfaithful spouse. I honestly believe that we are in an era that is strongly in the need of reconstructing the psychology of individuals because what has existed for the past fifty years does not work for us.

    The infidelity that flourishes in our society is the living prove of such failure. There are key structures that must manifest in an individual after birth and it shall carry until they are old. These keys are not prevalent in our society and if they are, there are very few people that are demonstrating it in their households. It is true that people have and are losing their way from the truths of the Universal God. Our nation has set its principles under a Utopian system where marriage is not looked as a harmonious ceremony between two under the sanctum of the Universal God. Instead it is hyped as the next step in life or latest fad. How does one expect to remain united with his or her lover if day to day spiritual disciplines are not administered? Keep in mind I said spiritual disciplines, not prayers everyday because that is only a small part to the ingredients. This spiritual system I speak of is very simple to do. The problem is our society has done its best to confuse us and leave us lost.

    Just about everything we do requires code of ethics or rules and regulations. Why have we forgotten that this also applies to our marriages? Maybe it is because when we marry we are not handed a guide book on how one conduct ourselves or maybe it is deeper than that. The truth is, it starts from birth, disciplines handed down from the Universal God to the parents or parents that are raising a child into productive citizens of this world. There are tons of distractions that help keep this process from manifesting. Television programs that promote negativity and cell phones plus wireless devices that help transmit sinful nonsense keeps us from connecting with God and focusing on positive behavior. Please keep in mind that the electronic devices are not to be blamed. It is the people that transmit the perverted nonsense on them for you to view. Most see it as no harm, but a hypnotist will confirm that what we hear or see it enters our subconscious and with a delay in time can be activated when the time is right. Such programs like soaps are “eye candy” for a married woman or female in a monogamous relationship and each story told in this fictional dialog deals with unfaithful betrayals. If you watch enough nonsense it will eventually become part of you unless you are strongly rooted in the word of God.

    Even the professional female or business man that does not watch television at all are still effected if he or she are not utilizing spiritual disciplines to guide them. It is really foolish to think that just reading the Bible alone will protect you from such destruction. If you are not utilizing the principles in it daily then it is useless, “plain and simple”. I am sorry if this insult’s other people’s faith systems but it is time to tell the truth and it is time for us as human beings to learn to know self again and stop allowing Dante’s inferno to rule our lives.

    Before I list the simple steps ordained under the Universal God’s laws that will keep us from conducting ourselves in a sinful way that is far from being Christlike or any spiritual leaders path, I would like to mention our mindset. We have got to get out of our old way of thinking. It is true for many centuries that religion advocates the notion of being born in sin and the realization that we are sinners.

    I am a firm believer that in order to move forward in a positive direction one must admit their on faults. This in deed is a cleansing process so he or she can start fresh to rebuild in a positive direction. However, if one continues to use a negative excuse why they are doing wrong, he or she will continue to do wrong because they feel justified. A baby is not born in sin. The womb of a woman is one of the most merciful sanctums that our God created for a new creation to be born. It is the world around that baby that dictates the evils that may indulge an innocent mind.

    Please keep in mind that I am very aware that we are far from greatness and we tend to do wrong things as we grow older but the wrongness comes from the fact that spiritual disciplines are not present. If we come to a point in life that we realize we are a sinner there must come a great effort to eradicate those sins so you will become pure. Yes, it can be done. If you believe it. It can be done. It does not require for you to become like a religious fanatic, but only means you are more aware of your positive consciousness and you are now guided by the Universal God.

    Your actions and reactions to situations will show your growth under the Universal God’s laws. When a personal friend (attractive friend of the opposite sex) invades your personal space because you invited them, their your moral laws will stop you from allowing sin to manifest on your part, even if the chemistry is very strong. The best way to stop this lustful dance from elevating is to stop the arousal day dream dead in its tracks. It’s true words have power but they only have as much power as we give them.

  8. (US)  I have been reading many pages in this here and finally decided to post as well. Like others, I’m feeling better to know that I’m not alone, and happy to find others who understand the situation from their own experience. I only wish we could all have a place to have a live talk, as the feelings I have inside on this matter is eating me up alive. Living in secrecy can take its toll on us, making us lose sanity over the time. I can tell how many of us are really affected by this and also how much the desire is to pour out as the replies I read here are pages long. And so would mine be.

    I’m with a married man too and it’s been less than 2 years now. I’m not sure if anyone is experiencing the same thing but I am getting anxiety attacks lately. I wake up having hard-to-breathe moments, feeling anxious, and all that just because I don’t know what he’s doing and how he really feels for me, etc. I feel so insecure and also sick of myself at the same time. This started happening when we when through a near break up recently and suddenly, all things changed. The usual me will be able to accept the fact that he has a family and he needs to spend time with them, yada yada. But ever since the incident, I get paranoid and easily get restless over everything. I’m beginning to think that I’m suffering from depression, losing my mind and falling ill as I can’t eat nor sleep. I never thought I’d be in this position one day, having to commit such sins and be entangled with such strong emotions for a married person.

    I’m trying to break this up, but in reality, it’s harder than it seems. I have gathered a lot of precious feedbacks in here and also the strength that I need to help me go on everyday. I have fallen in love for him so deeply, I don’t know how can I still love another as much. Surely nobody wants to know the details… because they’re all the same! Whether the man really loves me or not, you are right that he will not leave his family for me. Kids are still small. But I am in this unique situation where his religion allows him to have a 2nd wife legally.

    Aside from all the other potential problems, do you think I should even contemplate this possibility? At the very least, I get to be with him even though his love for me won’t be equal. I can grow to like his children as my own. But I don’t know if I can cope with having the wife around. But if she can accept me, then I should also accept treating her like a sister. Messed up as this sounds, when you’re in this intense relationship, you will know that a woman will consider just about anything.

    Tell me, besides leaving him, if you were given this choice, would you have taken it?

  9. (UNITED KINGDOM)  After reading these posts I realise how much I crave love and how I fell for the charms of a very seductive married man when I was trying to bring up my daughter alone. Unfortunately my unhappy divorce left me vulnerable and I wasn’t smart enough to realise how much this showed. I got hooked, to the point where, I just idolized the married man, and really, it has been very masochistic.

    Eventually I realized that it just wasn’t healthy. He must have gotten a real kick out of it. I got mad one day and threatened to tell his wife. I didn’t really mean it, but haven’t heard from him since. Not a peep.

  10. (PHILIPPINES)  You don’t have to be martyr in your marriage if you don’t have feelings anymore and you try many times to be good and it’s not worth it. You need to think, every person needs happiness the rest of their lives so do what you think is right, based in your feelings.

    Many factors why, settle a marriage, but you don’t want to that people like settled it with your parents, or pregnant in wrong time… It’s all about what I think about this issue. We are based in reality and feelings, not in what’s right in what we hear.

  11. (INDIA)  Ok, you love another married man. Please, spare a thought for your husband and children. Imagine being faithful and your husband being with other women, and of course the children. Did a single thought cross your mind as to what would happen if you knew about it?

    Let me remind you that in cases of divorce or infidelity, the sufferers are children. But wait, the married women having affairs are least concerned about them. Thank God I am born in a country where parents try to avoid affairs and divorces so as to ensure that their children are groomed cared for. It makes me really respect my parents, the importance I hold in their lives.

    I don’t pity these women. Ruining 2 families will never bring happiness to anybody. Yet, here I see people supporting them for their causes. All I say is, just have a look at your children’s faces and take your decision. Just feel their emotions, just pity them for not providing them with the ideal mother for they are cursed with a mother with infidelity.

  12. (SINGAPORE)  My friend’s friend, who is a senior manager, is having an affair with her boss, who owns the company. This extramarital affair has been going on for sometime and now is hurting the company morale and productivity badly. People are now less focused on work, but instead are gossiping about the boss’s affair with this 40+ lady, given her special treatment and always bring her to oversea trips, (in the disguise of ‘business trip’). Other staff also got to know they have been staying in the same room in the hotel, both betraying their own spouses. Everyone is talking about it and it is a hot topic in the office!!

    As a Company owner, this is not a wise decision to have sex with your own staff. If you have the money and want to have different sex partners, choose an outsider and not your own staff. There are so many beautiful ladies outside. This is a married woman with 2 kids, MY GOODNESS SAKE! What if the staff’s husband got to know? Or your wife got to know? This will definitely damage your image, your company’s image and employee’s morale, the damage will be extensive and unrecoverable, worse still if it goes to media. The WHOLE WORLD knows you are having an affair with your own married staff who has kids? It is a shameful thing. There is no end to it.

    Rich and wealthy man, please don’t act like an incest or animal. Even if your staff seduces you, can’t you reject her and tell her off and send her a STERN warning of NO sexual harassment? BE FAIR TO YOUR WIFE AND YOUR KID!

  13. (U.S.)  I have been married for 35 years and my husband has been in affair after affair. The one that he is in now is the worst of all. I was falsely accused of harrassment by the other woman, taken to court and was given anger management classes by the judge. The worst part of it all is that my husband condoned it as he is still seeing the other woman.

    I have tried to talk with him about the whole situation but it is like he has shut down to me. Our sex life is just about over. I don’t feel that we are connected emotionally anymore and I am comtemplating legal advice for divorce. He is so cruel to me and then on occassions he tells me that he loves me which is very hard for me to believe. I am at my wits end as to what to do. When I think of how he seems to have taken sides with the other woman it gives me a sick feeling in my stomach.

    I am a praying woman and truly believe in God but this has been a bit much. I wonder why he just won’t leave and move in with the other woman, which I have have asked him to do so many times but he won’t leave. Any suggestions on what to do? He also does cocaine and I think that he has free reign to do his drugs at the other woman’s trailer. He says that he is not addicted to drugs but he showed me one time how he snorts cocaine. I have tried to hold on but the situation has gotten to be hopeless. Anyone out there with any similar circumstances, please share.

  14. (USA)  He lied to you for the same reason he lied to his wife, and the same reason you are lying to your husband.

    Only about 58 percent of the population is open to an affair. There are many, many, many people who remain faithful no matter how much someone flirts or flaunts their sexuality.

    Problems always arise in a marriage. Intelligent people stick around and work things out through counseling or by resolving to put more energy back into the marriage.

    Also, you forget to notice that you are using your husband as this man used you and his wife. And, you are continuing to use your husband even though you still claim you do not love him. So perhaps your question can be answered by taking a good look at your own behaviors.

    An affair is always a fantasy. It’s a situation where to people are addicted to new love, and only see the good side of each other in a dating situation. A date with a new sex partner is always exciting. The illicitness of it often increases the excitement. That is why the sex is often so good. An affair is typically not about a bad marriage, it is about the ways the person having the affair relates in the marriage.

    Shirley Glass PHD, in her book, Not Just Friends says that often people think that the affair is caused because the straying partner is not getting enough at home. But she says that she notices that the truth is that the straying partner is not “giving enough” at home. She says, the faithful partner is almost always the giver in the relationship and more pliable. Yes, there are typically problems. But what long term marriage is free of problems? All long term relationships have issues.

    People who are in physically or mentally abusive marriages do not typically have affairs. So if a straying partner says that, they are likely exaggerating. In an abusive marriage the abused person is typically too afraid of the ramifications of being caught, because abusive men will often kill or beat a wife who betrays them and sometimes even their affair partner.

    Affairs are not a good idea and lust makes people do stupid things.

  15. (USA)  Can anyone help me? I’m very much devastated. My husband left a month ago after starting an affair with a young woman who is unemployed, living with her mother over 100 miles away. We have two children he just up and left. He spends every weekend, all weekend with her. He does not allow me the family car, he takes it with him. He continues to occasionally sleep with me (twice so far), always after he’s spent 4 days with her.

    I don’t understand why he’s doing this and I don’t know what to do. He has made me swear on my childrens’ lives that I will not tell her we had sex yesterday. To me, he is my husband (we are separated but still married for at least another 11 months) and she is the home wrecker. However, right now they are in a relationship and we are not (according to him) so I do feel guilt, yes, for sleeping with my own husband!

    I don’t know if I should continue to try to do this to win him back or what. I did swear not to tell her. I swore on the one thing I would never go back on, but I’m horrible at lying and keeping secrets. The guilt eats me alive. She has a right to know… He spent the thanksgiving holiday weekend with her then came back and slept with me. How can I, in good conscience, keep his secret?

    I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m so confused. I’d do anything to fix my marriage. Anything! He held me while I cried and told me he would try to make things as easy as possible, but after turning away from him in our marriage, not giving him the proper affection he needed, he says he just can never forgive me. I don’t believe that’s true. I believe he does forgive me, he just has her whispering in his ear.

    I don’t know how to get her to go away. She has no vehicle, no house, no job; she lives far away. She’s using him to go on roadtrips. I’m so completely lost right now and the secrets aren’t helping :( I sit alone in our house with the children while he uses the vehicle to jet off to see her every weekend. I’m drowning in misery and the betrayal runs so deep.

    I do wonder what is so special about her, but more I wonder why she’s after him in the first place. He’s married… he cheated… she knows about the first time he slept with me after they got together, but she doesn’t know about the second. She knows he cheated on me with her, and her with me. But apparently he talked his way out of it! What do I do?