What’s it Like to be Married to You? – Marriage Message #226

“If only I was married to someone else who cares more about me and our marriage, life would be so much better!”

“It’s because of him (or her) that I act the way I do at home. I act like a different person with everyone else!”

“I know I have my own faults, but it’s not as bad as what he (she) does —that’s why this marriage is such a mess!”

FreeImages.com/Adriana Herbert
FreeImages.com/Adriana Herbert

Have you ever voiced one of those statements? Most of us go through times when we think such things. But have you considered… just how much how easy is it to be married to YOU?

Please prayerfully consider the weaknesses you personally contribute to your marital relationship. Perhaps this could be a wake-up call to action in some way. The following are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Do you speak to your spouse in a way that could be perceived by him or her as dishonoring and belittling? (You may feel justified in speaking this way but the end result could be that your spouse will eventually avoid being with you and instead seek to be with others who don’t do this.)

• Do you give your full attention when he or she is trying to communicate with you —listening with your eyes, ears and with your heart, or are you continually distracted so your spouse could feel that what he/she has to say is unimportant to you?

• Do you have a tendency to lecture or berate him/her, like some parents treat a “naughty” child?

• When you’re angry, are you explosive so that he/she could feel assaulted (which could result in him or her shutting down emotionally from truly hearing what you’re trying to communicate)?

• Do you treat “outsiders” with more love and consideration than you do your own spouse?

• Do you use cutting humor with your spouse, saying, “I’m just kidding…” and yet he or she doesn’t think it’s funny? And do you do this publicly so your spouse feels all the more humiliated?

• Does your marriage “partner” complain that you act like you’re better than him or her (and deep down, this may be true)? Think about it.

• Do you continually act irritable or are you hypersensitive in your actions with him or her?

• Do you keep bringing up things from the past —things he or she has asked for forgiveness previously? (Please realize, this can result in feelings that it’s hopeless that he or she will ever be able to escape past actions with you, no matter what he or she does.)

• Are you living a trustworthy life so your spouse doesn’t need to be concerned that you will violate his or her trust? And do you seek ways to show your trustworthiness?

• Do you participate in anything that Christ would see as “deeds of darkness” which could bring unhealthiness into your marital partnership? (See: Ephesians 5:11.)

• Do you seek to be a peacemaker in your home? (See: Ephesians 4:3; Romans 12:18.)

• Do you protect your spouse’s feelings and dignity in how you speak and interact with him/her both in private AND in public when you’re together with others? (See: 1 Corinthians 13:7.)

• Do you reveal private matters, saying things about your spouse to others that he or she could perceive as hurtful in some way?

• Have you become such a serious person that you rarely laugh and forget to put intentionality into infusing fun times into your marriage —times like you used to have together earlier in your relationship?

• Do you make an effort to show that you value being married to him or her?

• Do you honor his/her communication “style”? (Please read Marriage Message #204 —What’s Your Communication Style.) If you’re a good communicator and your spouse isn’t, do you run over him (her) with your words? (This could leave him or her feeling stupid so he or she avoids “communication” times altogether. Just because you’re good with words and your spouse isn’t, it doesn’t mean he/she is wrong and you’re right.)

• Are you a negative person to live with? Do you need to make an effort to be more positive in how you interact with your spouse so you don’t drag down his/her spirits, as well?

• Do you look for ways to compliment and encourage your spouse (when you’re alone together as well as when you’re out together with others)?

• Do you receive your spouse’s compliments in positive ways so he or she doesn’t feel dismissed or discredited when he/she says nice things to you?

• Are you gracious when your spouse messes up in some way, so he or she still feels accepted and loved by you?

• Do you try to make your marriage a better one? Do you show by your actions as well as by your words that you’re together in partnership with him or her?

So what do you think now? Just how easy are YOU to live with? Do you need to make some adjustments in how you interact in your marriage relationship?

Certainly, your spouse may have many faults that you can point out, as well. But please consider that if you blame your spouse for your wrong actions, you’re playing the same “blame game” that Adam did when God confronted him with wrongdoing. Adam replied, “It’s the woman you put here with me —she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Even so, God didn’t consider Adam’s excuses to be valid. And the same goes for yours (or ours). God condemned Adam just as He did Eve. One’s person’s sin doesn’t excuse or wipe out the wrongness of what the other does.

If you feel convicted, we hope you’ll ask the Lord to help you work on your own issues —your own “planks” that need to be removed. As admonished in the scriptures:

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye(Matthew 7:3-5).

If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone(John 8:7).

As you, and as we consider the spouse that WE are, may we individually pray:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting(Psalm 139:23-24).

May God help and guide us together in our marriage journeys,

Cindy and Steve Wright

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11 responses to “What’s it Like to be Married to You? – Marriage Message #226

  1. (KENYA)  Hi, I read this article and answered “no” to every question. I have been married for 7 years and have been asking why I am in this marriage. I have 3 kids and my husband slept with someone when I was pregnant.

    We had serious issues before then of mistrust, his alcohol abuse, not spending time together,but the worst was the affair. He denied it up until this year and said sorry. I don’t trust him. He still communicates with her and expects me to forget what happened. She knows every detail of what goes on in my home.

    I wish he would go to her and stay there. Then she would see his other side. I am bitter and in pain and he blames me for the affair and drinking, everything. I was retrenched in January and put all my benefits to pay bills. I don’t ask for money or a flashy car or even to go out. I got a job I hate and he says I stay in it because he can’t handle the bills, yet before he never appreciated what I did. I have an orgasm once a month. Surely this can’t be the life God intended for me

  2. (CALIFORNIA) Wow, you must be a strong woman to be with a man like him. Be strong for your children, turn your life to GOD; he works miracles. If youve done everything in your power to make your marriage work, stop trying and let him go. You will find someone who loves you and will respect you. Good luck.

  3. (ZIMBABWE)  l’m very sorry dear, for all the pain you are going through but please take my word, your husband is not your enemy. The devil wants to destroy your marriage. Forgive your husband and command the giant controlling spirit of bitterness out of you so that you can forgive him. Don’t fight with the girlfriend for we do not wrestle against flesh and blood but against spirits and forces of wickedness in the heavenly sphere (Eph6:12). Instead pray for her that God will bless her in her soul, body and spirit. There is nothing impossible with God dear. God will do wonders in your marriage if only you surrender your marriage, husband and the girlfriend to him. God will never fail l promise you. You will have one of the best marriages if you wait for God to answer your prayers. Please continue praying and read your Bible.

    1. (USA)  You are so right about everything but what can you do when all you do is pray and things keep going wrong? Is that a sign to just let the situation go? Please tell me.

      1. (CANADA)  Yes, if there are red flags, forget about how you feel. Stop hanging on to false hope. Prayer doesn’t always change the other person, but it will change you and that’s all you can change.

  4. (USA)  There is a wonderful book on this subject by Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and it is entitled “Love Must Be Tough.” I would suggest reading it for anyone who is dealing with an adulterous spouse.

    I found it enlightening in dealing with all sorts of relationship problems, including, but not limited to, affairs, because it has a lot of general information on human psychology and what drives people to do and say certain things. God bless, LT

  5. (USA)  I am on the opposite end of this… I have had an affair. My husband and I fell in love when I was 16… we have been married 32 yrs and now all of a sudden I have noticed that he doesn’t show affection like I dreamed it would be, like after our kids are all grown. He never said he loved me unless I said it first. I approached him more for sex than he did me… he started doing things without me… and no, he isnt having an affair. He just likes having fun with his guy friends now. I just didn’t and don’t feel cherished or wanted… so I told him.

    It took him a year to finally get it but by that time it was too late… within that year a man approached me while I was camping with one of my daughters and we started talking. Later on we started talking on line and we met at a shopping mall. We kissed and it was like we were so made for each other… we had so many interest alike, had the same veiws on things but the kicker was our chemistry was off the charts.

    I told him that I would never leave my husband (and I won’t) and never have sex with him but that didn’t matter to him. He liked me for me… but eventually we did have sex. I fell hard for him. Now it’s so hard to think of my life without him because he brings me such joy. I am going to end it for the sake of my marriage. Even though we love each other very much there is no future for us. My future is with my husband and family. My problem is that I never had that excitement or chemistry with my husband and I don’t know how I can be happy with him again knowing how that feels. Can you help me?

    1. (USA)  The goal you are going to have is to share your deepest connection and affection with your husband. The goal is going to have to be forgetting about the other man (OM) and the affair and finding a way to focus that same level of energy on your husband. It can be done if you really want to.

      What naturally will occur is you will compare the two and find reasons for you not to share this with the husband, or excuses that your body should not be your husbands temple and vice versa. Go take your husband back. If he’s not showing you affection up front, show it to him. Get him hooked on your love and then pull back, it would take a corpse not to respond to certain sexual activities.

    2. (USA)  I’m not sure I can help, but I can tell you what I’d want if you were my wife. I’d want you to come to me and be 100% open and honest about what you did. No blame shifting. No trying to blame me for your choices to have an affair. I’d want all the details and what your plan was to protect me from any further abuse.

      I’d want to know that you wanted a connection with me so much that you had to be 100% open and honest about what you did and what you will do to change your behavior. Keeping secrets from your spouse is the opposite of connection.

      If you want a connection with your husband, you will prove it by being open and honest with him. If you are unwilling to do that, then your lack of action indicates that you don’t really want a close marriage. That you’d rather have secrets and protect your reputation than a close, intimate marriage.

      Secrets are the death of intimacy. As long as you keep this secret from your husband, you can never have the relationship you want from him. So it’s time to choose. It’s time to demonstrate with your actions that your words actually have value.

  6. (UNITED STATES)  I thank GOD for this because I feel like a changed person already. First I’d like to say I’m not married, but I’m engaged, and I’m scared. I love this man so much it hurts. I find myself praying and wondering how this could be, I can’t really express how I feel on here but we had some issues in our relationship, and because of that my parents, friends family don’t like him anymore and it hurts me because I forgave him. My two children love him dearly and they think that he is their father.

    I need some one else’s opinion even though I know it’s my life and I have to make my own decisions. My mother feels as if I should do as she says, but she fails to realize I’m a grown woman now not a little girl. They don’t even want me on the phone with him and I’m like, God, please help me because I feel like I may have a nervous breakdown. Can someone out there put in on this and tell me what I should do? They also say I should wait on GOD to send me my husband, but I just can’t picture being with anyone else or bringing another man into my childrens lives.

  7. (UNITED STATES) More often than not, cheating people don’t recognize that when they are cheating on their spouse they too are cheating on GOD!! That in itself scares me!! It is so easy to see the negative side of someone (spouse) when someone else is occupying our attention. The time they use seeing the bad in someone should be used in trying to make ourselves better and saving our marriage. Ask yourself, have you done everything in your power to improve the marriage, improve the relationship with your spouse, improve your relationship with GOD? We women need to be so lost in GOD that a man will have to seek HIM to find us!! Our LORD has provided the manual, we must read it, understand it and live it!!

    I have stopped wondering if my husband is doing everything he can in our marriage. I was so busy noticing the things he wasn’t doing instead of noticing the things he was doing! It is up to me to know if I am doing my part because that’s all I have the control to change. I have become happier within myself, making me a better, not perfect, but better Christian, woman, wife, mother, daughter and friend!! A vital factor to a successful marriage requires falling in love many times ALWAYS with the same person!! May our awesome GOD bless you today and always!