WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention As Well As Recovery

Prevention affair flirting Dollarphotoclub_69353895.jpgWhy DO affairs happen? And how do you recover from something so devastating once you find out that your spouse has cheated on you in this way?

Those are a couple of questions we’d like to address in this article, praying that the resources we send you to will help you in the ways you need it.

“As many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty, according to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity. A Christianity Today survey found that 23 percent of the 300 pastors who responded admitted to sexually inappropriate behavior with someone other than their wives while in the ministry.”

That’s a beginning quote from an article written by Cindy Crosby. It’s a great article that we recommend you read. That’s why we’re going to take you directly to a web site that has it posted. This way you can read what Cindy says in this article for yourself. We highly recommend that you do so.

To read this article:

WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention and Recovery

– ALSO –

The ministry of Family Life Today put together a series of radio broadcasts where the host Dennis Rainey interviewed Dave Carder, author of the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair —which they named this radio series.

Dennis describes the series this way:

“This series is for three groups of people:

  • The first group are those who are satisfied in their marriage. They’re not being tempted to have an affair. This is a great series for you to listen to just to keep the home fires burning and to be encouraged and to also watch for the danger signs in your own life.
  • “Secondly, this is a series for those who are being tempted.
  • “The third group are those who feel trapped. They’re ensnared, and they need hope and they need healing. We’re going to provide that hope and healing because this is really the purpose —to guide someone out of the trap. It’s also to help bring them back to full reconciliation and restoration in the marriage relationship. “

To download the broadcasts or read the transcripts for these broadcasts, please click onto:

To read the transcripts for these broadcasts (they’re well worth reading), please click onto:

If you have something you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Emotional & Physical Affair

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39 responses to “WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention As Well As Recovery

  1. (ZAMBIA)  Infidelity is real and Christians are not immune from it. I met a man I fell in love with in my late teens and we got married in my early 20s. We were together for seven years before we were separated about 4 years ago now. We has a child in the 2nd year of our marriage and another 1 and a half years ago when we attempted a reconciliation.

    During our marriage, I was committed to him despite several misunderstandings and comments that he was never ready for marriage. Unlike men who are usually unfaithful, I was unfaithful to him a year before our break up. It has taken me 3 years to confess to him even though he suspected me of being unfaithful. I have taken responsibility of my actions and despite him not being the best of husbands, I blame myself for being weak and not remaining faithful.

    I know he pushed me into an affair by neglecting me financially and emotionally but what I did was still wrong. I just ask for prayers for forgiveness from God, my ex-husband and myself. I recently told him the truth because I felt it was a hindrance to our reconciliation. I have told him he does not need to take me back as a wife because he deserves someone better. Can such a marriage ever work out?

    1. (USA)  I’m sorry you felt the need to have an affair then blame your husband. Your husband DID NOT push you into having an affair.

      You ask for forgiveness, but still try to blame your husband for your actions by saying things like he pushed you into an affair. If you want forgiveness, repent and apologize like David did in the Psalms:

      Psalms 51

      1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
      according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
      2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

      3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
      4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight;
      so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
      5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
      6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

      7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
      8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
      9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

      10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
      11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
      12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

      13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you.
      14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior,
      and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
      15 Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.
      16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
      you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
      17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
      a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

      18 May it please you to prosper Zion, to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
      19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
      in burnt offerings offered whole; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

      David did not blame anyone else for his sin. He owned it, 100%. This is an example of how to repent. Citing your husbands behavior to justify your affair is NOT an act of repentance.

      You want to believe he pushed you into the affair. But the truth is you chose the affair. It really doesn’t matter what you think you know. If you want things to work out, then start by not trying to shift blame or justify your behavior. Live out the Psalms 51 apology.

  2. (SOUTH ARFICA)  Hi All, I wish I could really get advice here. I have been married for almost four years. I recently found out that my husband had an affair. He is denying it point blank. This girl is his ex girlfriend. I feel like whenever I say something about her he gets defensive. I really love him and I know he loves me. Also he has a drinking problem that I hate and that is our biggest fight.

    When he had this affair I remember things being very ugly between us, that we used to call each other bad names and get really ugly with each other. What also hurts about this affair is that when he lied to me about where he was going to be for that weekend, his brother was in on it.

    Right now I’m so mixed with emotions, I want to be in this marriage but I don’t want to be hurt again or experience a repeat of this. Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is even of God, cos we don’t have any kids and we seem not to be going anywhere. Also he has left home saying that it’s too expensive to stay where we are and we need a cheaper place. We stay in separate places at the moment cos he doesn’t want to come back now cos I’ve got a roommate to help me with rent, etc after he left. When he left he had spent the rent money on alcohol and friends, so he made an excuse that the place was too expensive. Please give some advice please. I know God hates divorce, but how do I know if my marriage was ordained by God?

  3. (UGANDA)  Hi all. I have to confess, I’m a women and I’m having ano affair. I didn’t want to go this way but stuff happened. I know there is no excuse. I know that what I am doing is wrong and that’s why I wrote in so that I can have all of you help me find a way out.

    Well, what happened to me was that my husband and I CONSTANTLY fought as in everyday (this was before the affair). He would search through my handbag, check through my phone, he constantly accused me of cheating when I bought a new dress or did my hair. It was because I’m cheating he would say, whenever I got home and took a bath the evening it was because I’m cheating. He would say, if I had money in my purse he would say I got it from my lover. All these things happened before the idea of even having an affair crossed my mind. Then I consulted family and tried to have them help me solve the problem. It didn’t help. I saw a counselor. It worked short term then it all started again. A year later I found someone who I could talk to, someone who even when we have problems we can sit down and sort them out together.

    I know I sound crazy, I know and I acknowledge that I don’t stay with my lover and that’s probably why I view him differently compared to my husband. But then I have known my lover longer than my husband. And before the affair I constantly cried, couldn’t cope at work, had to send my daughter away because I couldn’t be the mother she needed. But now I feel so much better. I feel whole with this other person and what scares me most is that the way I feel about my lover is something that I have never felt for my husband, not even during our courtship days. I don’t know what to do because I know I’m wrong. I’m know the consequences of what I’m doing, but then still I feel like I’d rather face all that, than be unhappy.

    I’m lost. Is it the devil that’s making me feel this way or is it something else? What can I do? Where do I start?

    1. Lost, I’m not sure why you wrote. At first you say you know that what you are doing is wrong and say “there is no excuse,” then for most of the rest of the comment you give history into your husband thinking you would have an affair, which you eventually did, and then you give history to having the affair and say that you’d much rather face the consequences of what you’re doing “than be unhappy.” You are contradicting yourself all over the place. As someone who is looking at this objectively, it sure seems to me that you have embraced a lie –a type of venomous snake, which will eventually bite you. And venomous snakes don’t bite without causing destruction.

      One man we know of shared the following thought that we should all remember. He said, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” Trust me, they have a way of catching up with you. You can run for a time, but eventually, they will jump on you and you won’t know if you are coming or going.

      Dr Charles Swindoll said, “Whenever God is knocked out, sin is minimized… When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications.” And it’s true. You may be somewhat happier with yourself and your life right now, but eventually the complications of what you are doing will overtake you. God is not mocked. The wrong you do today will turn on you someday and as I said before, it will bite you HARD!

      There’s something to be said for being accused of something and NOT going in that direction. It’s called integrity, which brings peace in being able to look in the mirror and say, “No matter what God, you and I are ok… help me to live a life where I will never be ashamed.” And please know that living a cheating lifestyle does not do your daughter any favors. Before, you felt you had to send her away. Please tell me, when she someday finds out about your cheating, what lifestyle choice are you laying out before her? “Cheating is the way to make things work?” “Forget about being honest and being a woman of integrity when things get tough in life, cheat instead?” That’s not a good message to add onto the confusion she will deal with (is she isn’t already).

      Lost, I know I’m being straightforward here. And I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear. As a woman who cares, I’d love to say, “go with your heart… you deserve better than you had before… this man sounds right for you.” But I can’t do that. I care more about you and your circumstances in the long-run, than to give you satisfaction for the moment. Some things, which we want and go for, will eventually hurt us worse than if we had said “no” or someone had said, “no” in the first place. You can hear the other type of sanctioning talk anywhere. You can see that type of behavior going on everywhere –the type of behavior that clings to entitlement and going the way of what makes a person “feel” happy –at least for a season. But that type of selfism is what’s contributing to the mess this world is in –the type that’s messing it up more and more as time goes on –the type, which will eventually move God’s hand to show that “enough is enough.” And the consequences will be brutal.

      You ARE lost. But I’m not sure you totally realize it yet, because you’re trying to excuse it and are wondering if the devil is making you “feel this way.” No, the devil is not “making” you feel this way. You are just going along for the ride –entertaining the enemy of our faith –not realizing the crash, which you will eventually experience. And crash, you will. But it doesn’t have to be fatal, if you do what you can to steer in the right direction.

      You ask, “What can I do; where do I start?” You start on your knees. You ask, “Is it something else,” which is causing you to be lost? Yes. Wrong choices… sinful choices. And the only way to change anything so it will go in any kind of a redeemed direction is to first, ask God to show you the gravity of what you have done to your husband (even though he was not acting right in the beginning– it doesn’t excuse your actions), to your daughter –who you cheated out of many things (God will show you what that is), and your own integrity (you’ve cheated yourself in many, many ways). Walk with God. Look at what you have done honestly in all of its ugliness (if you will allow yourself to do this), and then confess all that comes to mind to confess. It’s like vomiting garbage. If you keep it inside and keep swallowing more, it will poison you all the more. It needs to come out. And then turn to God in earnest prayer for help. He will help you to go in a right direction in your life. Your past and present sinful life, does not have to be where you go in the future –just piling on more garbage and added hurt, which you will pay for in the future.

      This man is not for yours to have. If you continue, you will see that what started through cheating, will eventually bring rottenness into your life all the more. Things might look brighter right now, but it’s all an illusion.

      And after you have confessed and vomited the garbage (it will take a while and will be painful –like opening up an infected wound and pushing the pus out), you have the chance to heal and to cause some type of healing (which you have NO chance of, as things are). There are two articles, which we have posted on this web site where there is a community of women and some men, who are helping each other break free from affairs –both emotional and physical. God is ministering and helping. The articles are “Getting Unhooked From an Emotional Affair” and the other is “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair.” If you just read the articles and then read the many, many comments, you will find things to glean from and use in your own journey –IF you choose to take it. You can even reach out to them. Or, you can keep going on as you are. But keep in mind that just because a road looks better and seems to be easier now, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a cliff to fall off of later and a price to pay later. Please prayerfully consider all of this. I hope you will. I pray you will –especially for your precious daughter’s sake, as well as yours.

  4. (ZAMBIA)  Well, I am touched with all the emails that I have read so far. I am a Christian by the way, and married for ten years now and have two girls. But my husband is very short tempered. When we watching tv there is no talking, no communication and no kissing or cuddling, etc. And when I say I want to leave him he doesn’t allow me, saying we need to take care of the girls together.

    I met this man in January 2012 and he was good to me. He is also married, and he also has problems in his marriage. Now this man was the opposite of my husband. It was just taking me for work and back for work, phone calls and sms. I was enjoying his company but a month ago my husband started susspecting and he would be montoring my phone all the time, so now we’re not communicating. I should admit I miss this man sometimes. I love God and I don’t want to continue doing this. I pray that I forget about him.

    1. Ndel, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you break off this relationship with this other man. It’s like what one man said about his adultery, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” I’m not saying that you and this man are sleeping together –that isn’t the point. There is an emotional connection that you should not be sharing with someone outside of your marriage, whether your husband wants to connect with you or not. Your mind, thoughts, and actions are now longing for someone that you have no business being with in any way, shape, or form. You have fed this connection. Please work NOT to keep feeding it.

      Please go into the article, “The Emotionally Distant Husband” and read through it and the comments below it, and also, Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair (even though this is an emotional affair). There are a lot of them. You will see the addictive nature of what you are now involved in with this man. Whether he “also has problems in his marriage” or not, the way to work them through is NOT to start connecting emotionally with someone outside of marriage. The energy you pour into it robs you of the energy you could put elsewhere –energy better spent, which won’t lead to cheating emotionally or any other way. Those articles and the comments are two of many, which may help you to work out what’s wrong, rather than going towards sinful solutions.

      You say you are a Christian –which means you are a Christ-follower. Can you imagine Christ would do this to His bride? He is faithful, even when we aren’t faithful –even when we are detestable. As a follower of Christ, you know that sneaking around and missing someone else is not being faithful. Yes, your husband needs to connect with you in other ways. He is not giving you what you need. But perhaps you can prayerfully read through this web site and ask God as your “Wonderful Counselor” to help you to come up with ways to inspire your husband connect with you at times. Obviously, it won’t be during TV times, but perhaps you can work out other times –little bits and pieces here and there.

      And if you keep feeding the “I want to leave” mindset, you’ll only make yourself and your family even more miserable. Ask God to show you how to be wise in inspiring your husband to cuddle and communicate with you at times. Yes, you may “need to take care of the girls together” but what is this type of behavior teaching them about a Christian marriage? You and your husband should both consider that question. They may have all of their temporal needs met, but how about emotional needs of seeing a good marriage modeled for them? Please prayerfully consider what I’m saying here. I pray wisdom for you and a discerning spirit, and help in the ways you need it.

  5. (USA) My wife and I are both saved. We have 2 beautiful kids. I had a affair 1 1/2 years ago for a few months purely sexual in my head. Well, she found out and I went to a Christian counselor to get help.

    A year later I found out that during her time of hurt she too cheated on me with a friend of mine. Now we are back to the beginning and she told me she has no idea what she wants to do. I on the other hand, want to get back what we once had. It’s hard on me knowing a friend did that and took advantage of the situation but I am a Christian and I am going to forgive them both.

    My question is what do I do to get our wonderful family back in line and not have our kids affected? I come from a broken home. She comes from a loving Christian home –a home I want to model after. I have been praying since I found out for God to take the pain but it’s still with me.

    I also work a dangerous job and I’m afraid it is clouding my mind. Please pray for us! Thank you. And God bless!

  6. (USA) My husband is working in China. He has been there for a little over a year. When he came home a few weeks ago, I discovered that he was having an affair with a 26 year old woman. He told me he cares a lot about her, and is paying her tuition to go to school. He texted, e-mailed and called her by phone the entire time he was home. He is 59 and I am 62.

    I was supposed to go with him when he returned, but after the argument when I found the text messages and e-mails he was sending her, he told me I could not go so I had to cancel my ticket. Since he has been back, about three weeks… we talked a few times. He told me that when I call I am just checking up on him. He is very cruel and distant when I call. I have not called for the past 5 days. He has not called me either.

    While he was home he said that he did not know if he loved me. Since he has been back in China, he said that he reflected on his flight back and realizes that he still loves me. It is hard for me to tell because he is so distant when we did talk. She was supposed to pick him up at the airport when he arrived back in China (that was in one of his e-mails to her). I love my husband and I want our marriage to be restored.

  7. (USA) I worked in managment for a grocery chain in around 92. The assistant manager and I had a lot in common. We would talk about out odd music which no one else seemed to like and mnay other things. Always fun to talk to him but my thoughts never went there. We were both fairly newly married and starting families.

    One day he shut the break room door and said that he had to curb our friendship. He said it was nothing I had done wrong but I had all the qualities he loved in a woman and we had so much in common and he found his thoughts going where they should not, he knew I wasn’t thinking that but WO MAN, he was. He then said that if he ever did anything to hurt his wife he could not forgive himself. He would rather die. I see they are the same today, still having babies and you can see by the photos (checked him on FB but would not approach him. I love marriage as God does, my husband tragically never did) they are best friends.

    I’ve cried all afternoon because I know I will never know what that feels like as a wife and my husband is supposed to be a Christian, this guy is not. I would never even mess with another females boyfriend as a teen, aways hoped I could get the same and after half my life dedicated to my husband in love and faithfulness, it doesn’t seem like much to ask. I’ve had nothing but hatred, slander and betrayal and I have been a good wife, tried to be friend to him.

    On top of all he has put us through, I learn there’s another. Right in the church. They both claim nothing happened but a few emails which he hid from me and then she said he became inappropriate. Not sure I believe either of them but the way God exposed that 22 months after catching him with the other, I am assured God will reveal all.

    I know he’s sorry but he swore that was it, all that I know and I should have peace. I knew better and told him so. I was right and the fact that he is willing to lie whenever it saved his butt and it is sad. God says “All liars will have their part in the Lake of Fire”

    As time goes by and I see how he is willing to lie although we are all deep in depression and he has the power to set us free with the truth, it’s becoming more apparent that there must be anther out there for me. He’s trying to make it up to me which he cannot but the fact that he is still a liar shows how selfish he still is and he” say he has no reason to lie. Of course he does, the same reason anyone does. To avoid consequences but he will not be avoiding God. I want to be loved like my co-workers wife and at this point, I know I will leave this planet never knowing that. God, please help me.

  8. (SENEGAL) I am so happy to be here. My story is a sweet one, though it’s not been easy or an all rosy affair. I met and married my husband without thinking, getting to know each other well and really planning but we’re married for 5 yrs now and he has been good to me. But I recently met a crazy guy that I really like and we both have a whole lot in common. I’ve told the other guy about my feelings for him and we both agreed to be friends and nothing more (am really crazy about this guy) cos divorce is not in my personal dictionary and I’ve got my 3 handsome kids to think about. I’ve not had sex with this other guy but I think of him when I’m with my husband and my husband once asked me if he has done anything to me cos he is noticing that I’m no longer as excited as I used to be about sex. I denied it and said it just a mood swing.

    I’ve decided to give my life to Christ as that is the only way to be happy in my marriage despite my feelings for another cos I will never leave my husband cos he has never hurt me before, though he has once cheated on me and confessed after a month and I forgave him cos he has never given me a reason to distrust him in our 5 yrs of marriage. I don’t love my husband anymore cos of the other guy. I am only tolerating him cos of our kids and for the fact that he has always been a good father and a responsible husband to me.

    God has blessed me with a good man and I know He will also bless me with a good heart to love Him and grace to make my marriage work to the glorification of His holy name. Please remember me in your prayers.

    1. Vera, I’m so glad that you decided to give your life to Christ. He will help guide you in the situations you’re in now and for the rest of your life as long as you put your hand into His and follow Him –through the good and difficult times.

      Please read through the article on our web site, “Getting Unhooked From an Emotional Affair” (which you can find in the “Emotional Infidelity” topic). As you read the article and as many of the comments as you can (there are over a thousand of them), you’ll see a common thread. You have fallen into an emotional addiction to this man. It’s every bit as difficult to break free from that type of addiction as it is to break free from drugs and alcohol –it’s intoxifying. But it’s also lethal to you marriage (because you’ll become less and less satisfied with the “normal” man you’re married to, as you’re already starting to experience) and you are caught up in a fantasy world, which eventually will crash some day, in some way. It’s not a real world –it’s a fake one, which is perpetuated by who you THINK this person is, and how you think things can and should go.

      Even if this man was everything you could ever dream of, he’s not yours to dream about. You are married. You made a sacred vow to another man. You have a husband who trusts the vow you made and children who love and look up to you as their example (as well as others who witness your lifestyle). By continuing on in this fantasy world, you risk more than you can imagine. And eventually, if you get this guy all to yourself, you will find that he will turn into someone else that you didn’t realize, and there you have it. You ruined your marriage …and your children’s lives will never be the same, you sinned against all you believe in and against God. Eventually you’ll find that this prince of a man will turn into a frog, with warts and all. Reality based on cheating destroys and distorts all, which we thought would be good.

      Please Vera, read the article I recommend and the comments and perhaps the article, “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair” (posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic) and the comments below it. It’s a lot of reading, but you have a lot of sorting out to do to get your heart and mind back into the right place. Perhaps you can even comment there to get additional help from the community that is trying to break free, as well. I can guarantee you that if you continue on this path, you WILL end up getting physical with this man, you will further taint and eventually destroy your marriage to this “good man” –someone who is “a good father and a responsible husband” to you –the father of your children. And what you will have left is a mess, because this guy will NOT live up to your fantasies. It’s best to stop investing your time and energy into this fantasy and instead find ways to bless your husband and find ways to build your love for him again.

      As you give your heart to the Lord and ask Him to lead you, He will help you do the painful job of breaking this addiction, and help you to get back onto the road of integrity, love for your husband and family, and be an example to others. You’ll also be able to better live with the person you see in the mirror. Please live the scriptures found in Philippians 4:8-9. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  9. (USA) I am separated from my husband. Recently I was on a social media site and shared it with a friend who is of the opposite sex. He went on and on about having a crush on me and ways he would like to comfort me.

    I have never been tempted to go outside of my marriage- even in my 10 month separation, but I can say hearing those things about comforting me made me feel good for a moment. Then I realized how easily temptation can creep in even to a person not prone to cheat or need copious amounts of attention.

    I should never have discussed the status of my marriage with him. I never should have allowed my vulnerability into his hands so to speak. Marriage-separation or not, is sacred and I should have been more careful how I spoke of my marriage and who I speak to about my marriage. Speaking to someone of the opposite sex about a broken marriage should be deemed a no-no. I’m not saying everyone of the opposite sex would take the opporitunity as this man did, but I set the stage for temptation by “crying on his shoulder”. If I hadn’t snapped back to reality, I could have easily began an emotional affair with this man. I advise couples to be careful who you share your problems with and if you are in a vulnerable state to take your cares to Jesus. He is the one who will never leave or forsake. He is dependable and will never lead you wrong.

  10. (MALAWI) Why Do affairs happen?? I will give a personal experience and assume others who have cheated before have similar experiences.

    I grew up in a Christian home with Christian values. I was a virgin until I met the father of my 2 children. We married when I was 22 and he was 25. I can describe our sex life as unsatisfactory. He was the 1st man I knew but always felt sexually unsatisfied. I mentioned to him several times but we both lacked the skill and knowledge of improving this aspect of our marriage. We ended up hating sex, grew physically apart.

    After months of no physical contact, despite the increasing desire and futile efforts of begging, he wasn’t willing to talk about it and instead withdrew from sex completely. I cannot say I wasn’t strong enough to handle my desires because I had done that and kept myself pure until I met the man I was married to. What I couldn’t deal with was suppressing my desires when I had a husband who refused to touch me and decided to try and experience what another man could do. So I decided to have an affair and had 3 sexual encounters with him.

    My husband didn’t know about it until I confessed to him years later. Even though has not forgiven me, my affair was the purpose of knowing if I am physically capable of enjoying sex or not, maybe to gauge my husband’s performance.