It is an old adage that says, “Hurt people hurt people.” Those who have been emotionally damaged tend to inflict their hurt and pain on other people. For example, a large percentage of those who have been sexually abused become the abusers of others. Those who suffered under an alcoholic parent often cause their future family to suffer because of their drunken stupors.
Until we as a church deal with the whole person as shown in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 our congregations will be filled with people who are spiritually gifted but act like emotional infants. The church must deal with emotional health and not just spiritual health and power.
The following are common traits hurt people display in their interactions with others.
Common Traits in Hurt People
1. Hurt people often transfer their inner anger onto their family and close friends.
- Often those around them become the recipients of harsh tones and fits of rage. That is because they have unknowingly become the vicarious recipients of transferred rage.
2. Hurt people interpret every word spoken to them through the prism of their pain.
- Because of their pain, ordinary words are often misinterpreted to mean something negative towards them.
- Because of this, they are extremely sensitive and act out of pain instead of reality.
3. The Tendency is That Hurt people interpret actions through the prism of their pain.
- Their emotional pain causes them to suspect wrong motives or evil intent behind other people’s actions towards them.
4. Hurt people often portray themselves as victims and carry a “victim spirit”.
- Often hurt people can cry “racism,” “sexism,” or “homophobia.” They often use the words “unjust” or “unfair” to describe the way they are being treated, even if there is no truth to this. (That is not to say that sometimes there really is racism or sexism in some instances. This is just used as an example.)
Hurt people have a hard time entering into a trusting relationship. They often carry around a suspicious spirit.
5. Additionally, hurt people often alienate others and wonder why no one is there for them.
- They often continually hurt the ones they love and need the most with their self-destructive behavior.
As it Pertains to Hurt People:
6. Hurt people have the emotional maturity of the age they received their (un-dealt with) hurt.
- For example, if a girl was raped by a man when she was 12 years old, unless she forgives that man and allows Christ to heal her heart, her emotional growth will stop. Even when she reaches her later years she may still have the emotional maturity of a 12 year-old.
7. Hurt people are often frustrated and depressed because past pain spills over into their consciousness.
- In many instances, they may not even be aware of why they are continually frustrated or depressed. They have coped with pain by compartmentalizing it or layering it over with other things over time.
8. Hurt people often erupt with inappropriate emotion because words, actions, or circumstances “touch” and “trigger” past woundedness.
- I have been in situations with people in which there was a gross overreaction to a word I spoke or an action that was taken. It appeared that this reaction came “out of left field.” But it was really the person responding to an accumulation of years of hurt and pain that spilled over in various situations.
- I have been in situations where I felt hurt, troubled, or overreacted to something. This is because it touched a nerve because of a wound I received in the past. In these situations I have attempted to reason through the situation as objectively as I can. I’ve done this with much prayer and introspection so I would not say or do anything damaging to another person or myself.
Plus:
9. Hurt people often occupy themselves with busyness, work, and/or accomplishments as a way of compensating for low self-esteem.
- Often ministers are not motivated by a love for Jesus but a drive to accomplish.
- It is important that pastors and ministers be led by the Spirit instead of being driven to succeed.
- A minister should not preoccupy himself with making things happen. He or she should walk in integrity and humility. He or she should allow God to open up doors and provide a ministerial platform.
10. Hurt people often attempt to medicate themselves with excessive entertainment, drugs, alcohol, pornography, sexual relationships, or hobbies as a way to forget their pain and run from reality.
- Until the church learns to deal with and emphasize the emotional life and health of the believer, the church will be filled with half-Christians. These are people who pray and read the Bible but find no victory. That is because they do not face the woundedness in their souls.
11. Hurt people have learned to accommodate their private “false self” or “dark side.” This causes them to lack integrity.
- Often their private life is different from their public life. This causes hypocrisy and compounds feelings of guilt, condemnation, and depression.
12. Hurt people are often self-absorbed with their own pain. They are unaware they are hurting others.
- They are often insensitive to other people. Their emotional pain limits their capacity for empathy and their capacity for self-awareness.
- I have been in numerous situations when someone hurt me. They have kept on going in the relationship without ever apologizing because they had no clue what they were doing.
Also, it is said:
13. Hurt people are susceptible to demonic deception.
- I am convinced that most of the divisions in the church are caused by saints who lack emotional health. They project their pain onto others.
- Satan works in darkness and deception, and stays away from the light. Hurt people often have destructive habit-patterns that are practiced in the dark. Hence, their mind becomes a breeding ground for satanic deception.
- If the church would deal more with the emotional health of the individual, there would be less of a foothold for demonic infiltration. Also, there would be stronger relationships, marriages, and healthier children. Plus, there would be a more balanced approach to ministry.
It is said:
14. God often purposely surfaces pain so hurt people can face reality.
- Whether it is because of a marriage problem, or continual personal conflicts on the job, God often allows conflict and spillover. He wants the infection to stop spreading and the person to be healed.
- Often Christians are fighting the devil and blaming him for conflict. God often allows conflict so that people would be motivated to dig deeper into their lives. They need to deal with root causes of destructive thought and habit patterns.
- God’s purpose for us is that we would all be conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29). This does not just happen with Bible studies, prayer, and times of glory. It also happens in painful situations when we have to face what has been hurting us for many years.
- I have noticed that these periods of surfacing woundedness often take place when people transition into the mid-life years of their upper thirties and later. Perhaps this is because by then they are old enough to understand that there is something wrong. They also realize that it is not too late to redeem their pain and restore relationships and maximize their purpose. Rarely is a person able or even willing to deal with and face pain when they hit their senior years (sixties or older). Most at this age have already become hard-hearted, and/or become so depressed even though God is able to help them at any age.
And Lastly, the following is said about hurt people:
15. Hurt people need to forgive to be released and restored to freedom.
- The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.
- The good news is that, through the efficacious blood of Christ, we can all be healed. We can be set free from all past hurts. This is so that we can comfort others with the same comfort we ourselves have received from God (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Truly our mess can become our message!
This article was written by Joseph Mattera wr. Joseph has been in full-time ministry since 1980. He is the presiding Bishop of Christ Covenant Coalition. He is also the Overseeing Bishop of Resurrection Church in New York. This is a multi-ethnic congregation of 40 nationalities.
His passion is to see the Lordship of Christ manifest over every realm of society so the church can fulfill the cultural mandate in Genesis 1:28. This has resulted in extensive ministry nationally and internationally He reaches out to many nations of the world. They include the former Soviet Union, Bulgaria, Turkey, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic, Honduras, Holland, Ukraine, Canada, Mexico, and Cuba. You can visit his web site to read additional articles written by Joseph Mattera by clicking HERE.
— ALSO —
A good resource we recommend, written by Sandra Wilson, that may help you further would be:
Another good resource we recommend, written by John Townsend and Henry Cloud:
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage Communication and Conflict
(USA) Wow. You have NO idea how true this article is. I am walking proof of it. I was abused as a child and held onto unforgiveness and pain for so long I carried it into my marriage. When my husband hurt me, it compiled on and brought all those old memories up even more. I sat in complete darkness for 6 years and took it out on him.
About a month ago I woke up and realized I had held onto unforgiveness for 25 years. I contacted my abusers and they expressed great remorse and regret for ever hurting me. I was able forgive them and release my past and anger. I feel more free today than I ever have in my life. I actually feel like I am worthy and deserve to be loved.
I now have a relationship with God that is peaceful and am excited for my future. I know I damaged my husband with my words, but I hope that everyday I can show him I am changed and am now the wife he wants and deserves.
(BARBADOS) Hi, I’m the product of emotional abuse from both my parents and unfortunately now my spouse- in our relationship I have also suffered psycological abuse.
I have fled the relationship 3 months ago because of escalation of his threats- to take away my son- since I am an “unfit mother” as he put it. Now he has been trying to use my son as a weapon against me. It is difficult; for I have been his sole caretaker until I recently went back to work and put him in a nursery.
I want to be reconciled with my husband and do love him but he continues to be abusive and laugh at me in any area where I may make a mistake and put me down. It’s quite hurtful since he is my husband. He has said to others that he wants reconciliation, but I’m not too sure what this means. He even has friends in the Child protection agencies who have been helping him and doing underhanded things to make me look bad; and have the unsaid threat of taking my son away since I am “unfit”. Again, this has been an exhausting emotional and psycological roller coaster.
I really do wish to obey God’s leading which is why I left him. He wishes for me to come back, but he is using manipulation, deceit, condescension, aggression and institutional power to try to do it. I definitely do not want to go back to someone who behaves like this. He claims he’s willing to see a Domestic Violence counselor to be screened for Domestic Abuser’s characteristics. He has not however made any steps to do so himself.
How can I ensure my son’s safety when he has such institutional “help”. He wants to take him overseas for 2 weeks including Christmas Day. How can I stop this?? If he takes me to court the abuse continues. He is not seeking professional help. He is supposed to be a Christian but it seems he is hiding something of his past from me. I want to just migrate with my son; but I don’t believe the child protection agencies will allow me to since his friends who work there seem to have a tremendous influence with the way matters are handled. But how can I ever let go of my son??
(USA) The healing of the Christian family begins with the head: the husband. The husband needs to take the helm and lead the family in spiritual matters –whether he likes it or not. He can’t be perfect at it and that’s okay, but he is responsible for carrying out his duties as a husband and for loving his wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25). This is a very tall order to love his wife as Jesus loves us. But that is our calling. It is love in the family, lead and exemplified by the husband, that sets the tone of the marriage. He is responsible for the well being of the family. It is up to Him that God will come and require an account. This is serious business and the man needs to take it seriously.
(U.S.A) Why does the husband let his family lie and say bad things about his own wife while she is very nice to him and his family?
(USA) Something that I think needs to be stated before hurt people needing to forgive, is that hurt people need to be angry about the hurt someone else did to them, and acknowledge sin for sin! Often times hurt people see people as either all good or all bad, called splitting. This especially happens in relationships with parents. Before a person can forgive, they need to identify the person and the sin commited that caused the hurt.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi everyone, I hope somebody can help me with scenario. I have been married for almost 22 years, which will be officially in this year, June. All my married life I have been abused in all areas of life. My husband had countless adulteress affairs. He simply love females and he doesn’t really feel comfortable with men’s conversations. He has been sleeping around with prostitutes, as well.
He never confessed out of this except for this one moment in time that I decided to leave him. I was gone for almost three months. Then he decided that he wanted me back. He agreed to counselling but he never changed. Over these he just doesn’t like my conversation and he hardly chats with me.
He so put us into debt, making loans secretly and then entertaining women. I LOVE him so much, always just trusting and believing that he would change, but whenever he made changes then it was always short lived changes.
Currently he is working in East London because his friends got him a job out there as he had been for eight months without work. He is never available when I do phone him. He doesn’t communicate with me at all, only when he needs stuff to suit his personal needs. If I don’t approve of certain things? He would suggest, why don’t I divorce him? I feel so betrayed as he now told me that he can’t live anymore with me any longer and wants a divorce. I DON’T KNOW. I mean we are not even together right now.
Hello Karen, I wonder what has happened to you since you posted this comment. I was in the same situation as you for almost 27 years of marriage. I divorced him in Feb 2010. It is almost 4 years later now and my ex husband is still the same, he never changed. I was the good Christian wife, always loving, always forgiving, always having hope for a better life with him. The truth was that it would never happen with him. I realized that I was only tolerating him. He was having the life that he wanted and I was being forced to go along with it.
It took a pastor to speak truth to me. My mind was in an abusive mindset. I only knew chaos from the emotional roller coaster ride with my ex and that was my normalcy. I had to break free from that mindset and God, the Father, set me free. I always envisioned my wrong thought patterns as cogs in mechanical system, such as the inner workings of an old clock. It took the cross of Jesus to be wedged in between the cogs to stop the process. The cross to me also looks like a sword, the two edged sword of truth, the word.
I am still removing old mindsets. I never have to experience that torment again. Karen, God loves you, he doesn’t want you to be abused.
(USA) Wow!!! Very, very powerful!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Actually I’m not commenting anything but I need more advice. I’m engaged for 1 year and 2 months. I’m a born again Christian and I believe I’m hurting deeply because the step I’m taking is going to get other people hurt, as well. I’m deciding to stop the wedding. I no longer want to continue with this marriage. He hurt me in the past but now he is a faithful man. He is faithful now because he is injured but if he recovers I know he will start all over again.
I think I have made the mistake of thinking of marrying him. I’ve prayed for a long time now asking God to help me love this person again because I see the love I had no longer exists; the feeling I had no longer exists.
(USA) I’m glad I came to this website. I identified bigtime with it, especially paragraph 10. This morning I had a HUGE desire to hurt others throughout the day because I myself am hurting. After reading this article, I’m less apt to hurt somebody else today. There are many in my life I want to hurt. Feeling anger bigtime towards some in my life. If I did not control myself yesterday at work, I could have lost my “public servant” job if anybody reported my ‘behavior and attitude’ I displayed throughout my workday. Thank you for listening.
(USA) My boyfriend (16 years) begs God to kill me, begs me to kill myself, begs God to give me cancer, calls me horrible names and says horrible things to me taking the Lord’s name in vain. I forgive him every time and try not to let it linger in my heart but just how much can one person take?
I am not a bad person. Most of the time he does this when I miss answering the phone when he calls. Please pray for him and me. It wasn’t always this way. It gets harder and harder to forgive or forget and I don’t want to be that person. Everyday I have to pray for God to take hate from my heart and that prayer he answers. Why wont he answer the others? We are not leagaly married but I believe in my heart and in God’s eyes we are. I can’t just leave. If you read this please, I beg you, please say a prayer for us now.
(USA) The fact that you have been his girlfriend for 16 years speaks volumes. It’s clear he has no intentions of marrying you and if he’s that abusive, most likely has been with other females. Thank the Lord you haven’t married him but if you’re having sex you are guilty of Fornication and God is not going to have any part of that at all. He makes that very clear.
I’m sure you have a strong attachment to him at this point but it’s going to continue to spiral down until somone crosses a line they can’t get back over.
We usually love someone based on how they make us feel so I doubt you love that, but are so used to him. Please see the section on Abuse here and see if he doesn’t fit the list to a T. If you do not know the Lord in a personal way, Please ask the Lord to be your Savior. Confess whatever you’ve done wrong and move from them and ask for His forgiveness. If you need any more info. on that, please just ask but if you’re sincere, it’s that simple. That’s your first step and He will guide your path to a much better life for you.
I’m praying for you but I’ve watched (and lived) that happen so many times. Mine did until he cheated and then it seems that God got Him and changed him for the better. His father was like that, shot and killed my mother-in-law then himself and that’s usually how it ends.
I’m praying you seek God with all your heart because you’re in a very dangerous place, physically and spiritually. Please believe me on this. Love and prayers.
PS: No, you’re not married in God’s eyes and I can be so certain because of what He says in the Bible. You’re living in what he classifies as immoral sexual sin. It’s listed with murder and blasphemy. God is all about commitment and living together is not a commitment.
God speaks of people taking or changing what is in His Word to suit their lifestyles and it makes Him angry. Please, I really want to help you and there is no way to say this without it sounding harsh but meeting God the way you are now will be harsh. I do want to help you but everything has to be God’s way. Not ours. And, HE never changes.
(USA) In Romans 13 God speaks of God ordaining municipal power i.e. man’s laws and we are to follow them as long as they don’t violate God’s. Without the Law of marriage anyone can end it and walk away. That is the opposite of commitment and as Christ’s bride is the church, us the body of believers, He and we are to be in it until death do us part.
God also says that everyone wants to do that which seems right in thier own eyes, and not obey Him at His word. That is the devil’s teaching.
I pray you get your Bible and let the Lord speak to you on this. He will. His word never returns void and He loves you and wants the best for you. That is not what you are living right now. Prayers for all :)
(USA) Your response to my request for prayers seems to me a bit harsh. I have been reborn, saved and I feel secure with my place in heaven. I did not seek judgement from you. In the state which I live, my marriage is considered “common law” and is legally binding. My husband would never cheat on me. That is not the root of his abuse!!! I know he just needs someone to feel the same pain he feels and as he considers me his life partner and best friend he wants that person to be me. I only pray that he somehow sees it is not the way.
I thought prayers are heard better if more people prayed together. You don’t understand my situation. I thought my duty (as you have stated) is to handle his anger with patience and kindness and not to return it with more anger. Yet it seems that if he doesn’t think he has hurt me he says meaner things. I understand you have seen this situation escalate into physical abuse but that I do not fear. He just hurts me with his words and it must stop. I thought I should turn to prayer first but I guess if I am a sinner your God will not help me. Btw God only allows divorce for marriages unequally yolked, so stop telling people to sin by leaving their marriage and stop judging me. My God doesn’t like that!!
Oh, and there is also a law in my state that says a husband can beat his wife only with a stick no thicker than his thicket finger. So according to you it would be a sin not to take physical abuse.
(USA) You have taken verses out of context, from not studying it all. I don’t mean to be harsh but the world’s problem is that they make up their own rules as they go. Totally disregarding God’s. Chaos.
God says that adulterers and fornicators (as well as others) will not be going to Heaven. That doesn’t mean if we have ever done it but that we continue to do it. Common Law only counts with God if you would have to go through the same procedures to divorce as if married. I do not think it’s okay for a man to abuse his wife in any way shape or form. That is absurd. I could say your post is harsh, as well. I’m simply pointing out that we’re living in a way that is contrary to God. He says He will not hear our prayers and if you are saved doing so, He chastises His children. You just don’t want to be told that your llfe style is not pleasing to God via HIS WORD, not mine. Trying to stick with God’s word. Don’t shoot the messenger. Prayers for you.
(USA) I broke down and cried for 20 mins after reading this.
“The Gospel of St. John 20:23 says that we have to release the sins of others if we are going to be released. This means that if we do not forgive others then the very thing we have become victimized with will become a part of our life. For example, alcoholic fathers breed alcoholic sons if their sons do not forgive and release their fathers.”
I’m not even really Christian, but this… IDK this has power. I came to this site b/c I separated with my wife over a sexless marriage and was looking for “self-awareness” and trying to figure out what I did wrong. I never imagined it would destroy my barriers of me being tied up as a child with a gun to my head forced to play Russian roulette. Even now tears are still coming from my eyes.
I’ve found God!
(USA) God bless you Anthony, wonderful news! You called on the LORD and as HE always does- He came to pick you up out of your despair. Keep reading brother. Love and prayers to you.
(USA) I was with someone in a relationship that I had hoped would lead to marriage, but he seemed to have so much bottled up inside that everything I said or did hurt him. It was so disconcerting. He is in his middle fifties and sometimes his behavior is so adolescent. Whenever we had a disagreement he would clam up or physically leave me without any guilt or explantion, and always go straight to another woman.
How can he be a healthy person, and think that he can be happy with someone else when there are unresolved issues with he and me? I am presently in counseling trying to get my mental self back on track. I guess I’m trying to understand how a person can mistreat a person then believe they will be happy with someone else on another’s pain. That seems so inhuman. Am I wrong?
Carol, Some people never “get it” as far as the pain they inflict and project upon others because of their own past painful experiences. They never realize that this is dysfunctional and they need to work it through so they can be healthy in their present and future relationships. You sound wise as far as letting him go and getting yourself back to a healthier place emotionally. You would have had a LOT more heartache in the future if you would have tried to make a go of that relationship. You can’t “fix” another person –you can only be helpful and supportive and sometimes help to open their eyes, but if they don’t realize they need help and instead flee or fight, then you can only do so much. This man is obviously a grown child who will keep running from pain and in the process he inflicts pain upon others, unbeknownst to him… so, so sad. I hope you can find the healing you need to get past this. I wish you well.
(S. AFRICA) So true, there is no way that we can “fix” another person if they have hardened their heart and are oblivious (or so it seems) to the the hurt and pain their actions are causing to all those that love and care for them. Carol, I also agree it all sounds so inhuman but remember it’s all about “self” and in that state nobody else matters. Sad but true. Carol, you have made the right decision. I wish you God’s richest blessings. You will look back one day and thank the Lord for guiding you through this.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Is this free of charge?
Ansie, I’m not sure what you’re asking — is WHAT free of charge?
(KENYA) Thanks for sharing. I’m hurting so badly despite the fact that I know what the Bible says about forgiveness. I have been married for the last 25 years to a man who is just all over with other women not even one at a time but more. I have not had sex for more than 1 year but each time I even initiate he tries but nothing happens. He even cries how much he is sympathizing with me but now I feel its a lie. I feel I need to separate.
(UNITED STATES) This is so true. I have been victimized and have forgiven but not forgotten, because if you forget and/or numb yourself you will never be able to learn how not to victimize those who are close to you. We tend to hurt our closest, who are wives, husbands, children. I always said to myself I will never feel like a victim, because someone has intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. I tell myself that they have a mental sickness that is worst than what they have put me through, and for this I must forgive them.
I wish my husband could do the same. He too has been a victim with words by his mother, sisters and brothers. He does the same to others! As I remind him that what he is doing is not right, he looks at me with disbelief that I can be so understanding. I too wish he would seek out counseling as I have been suggesting to him for 31 years now. Still a work in progress. Thanks for reading. Maryann
Healing is taking place, but true healing takes time. When we develop a Father’s heart, as Jesus would want, all these hurts will fall off of us. Our source of true happiness comes from our total dependance on Him. Looking to any other person or source to meet our needs just sets us up for repeated failure.