Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men. But in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why spouses leave marriage on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive. But hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion —particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple —it’s because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it appears easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms. It will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
Why Wives Leave Marriage
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned.”
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something.” (And we all know what the “something” is.)
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally—viewing pornography or physically having an affair.
- “She feels disconnected. She feels that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters.”
- “He seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her.”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Why Husbands Leave Marriage
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare. This is followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious. I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things. First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line.
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair.
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems. It can include child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Why Spouses Leave Marriage
We hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”). And we hear from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are ready to walk out or have already left. That is we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley. He wrote a helpful article titled, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares. So pray, glean, and see what speaks to you about your situation (whether you are the husband or the wife).
Here is a portion of what Dr Harley writes:
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them —let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts. And when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted. They feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
Feeling Neglected
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Dr Harley continues:
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, ‘He ignores me except when he wants sex. He sits and watches television when he could be talking to me. Plus, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing. He hurts my feelings and never apologizes. Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.’ Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To learn more solutions Dr Harley gives, please read “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with without really realizing the effort it will take to make their marriage into a good one. Plus, their expectations are too high. This sets them up later for big problems as illustrated above.
Trashing and Cleaning Up Marriage
It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage—to get it to the place where it is messed up, needing a clean up. But when the marriage appears to be too much of a “mess” to clean up, that’s when spouses are tempted to just leave marriage. It appears to be too overwhelming.
In our 45+ years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley and Sue Boulin described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me. And sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs. I did not realize how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, How can we change this pattern so we don’t look at divorce as an option? I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen. It’s written in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist. You can love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think and pray about this. We have a lot of articles posted on this web site that can build upon this concept. Plus, we have articles that can help you to “clean up” the trashy attitudes and actions that spouses can fall into. Here are two of them:
• The Practice of Self Sacrifice
• Good Marriages Don’t Just Happen
The effort it will take to clean up a trashy marriage goes with the scriptures:
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.“ (Galatians 5:13-15)
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you need help, make improving your marriage your mission. Look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
We encourage you to go into the Romantic Ideas topic. Please read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” Applying some of these tips could help you to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
Filed under: Marriage Messages
(USA) My husband is not what I would call a husband. Married 45 years and we have been intimate only once on our wedding night. That was my first time and I’m still not sure what it was all about. I guess I’m naive when it comes to intimacy. Since the day we were married he has lived in our basement where he’s built a small apartment for himself. I have the upstairs which is a very lonely place to be at times.
We never talk or even see each other for months at a time. I work part time to be away from the house and I go on a lot of vacations with the gals from my church. I don’t even think he’s missed me or even wandered upstairs while I go away. Also I visit my brother in Indiana a lot. He just stays cooped up down stairs and works on projects in his shop and out in garage/work shop he built in the corner of our backyard. I’m lonely and disappointed, depressed. I can’t say I miss sex, because I never got into it. That’s something in my life I haven’t got into. I do know the way I’ve been treated has shut me off to all men. My shrink has tried to convince me otherwise but I can’t get past it. Men are just nasty!!!
(UNITED STATES) Many women and men today just can’t stay COMMITTED to one another anymore. What about us serious men that are hoping to meet a good woman today and have a RELATIONSHIP? I am one of many men today that certainly is hoping to find the right woman for me. Then again, in these times, who is the RIGHT WOMAN? It is very difficult, when your’re a STRAIGHT MAN like me that hates to go out as it is. It is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Women today are certainly not like they were years ago, when they were looking for COMMITMENT.
(USA) My husband uses menopause to avoid accepting responsibility for his behavior. Just prior to turning 50, I found out that my husband was having, at least, an emotional affair w/a woman. As information unfolded, I was devastated. Over that past couple of years it has been a difficult journey, as I learned about how he used deceit and manipulation. He has used “my age” as one vehicle to shift blame and not accept responsibility for his actions, practically trying to make it look as if I am crazy. This has made the journey of forgiveness more difficult, as he is not repentant.
I feel hurt that he does not see me as a whole person, but defines me as hormones. I think too much emphasis is placed on menopause, in some cases, allowing room for blaming everything on that phase of life. I realize everyone does not do this. My husband has always had difficulty accepting responsibility for his behaviors. It just gave him one more thing to use to point a finger at me. My plea to anyone reading this is that you, please, see the women in your lives as more than hormones and as scripture tells us “live with your wives with understanding”, including all of the facets of them as a human being.
Great point, Kathy. I encourage those who are in your place to read through the article (posted in the “Mental and Physical Health” topic) “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Menopause.” (I see that you have, and that you have posted a comment under that article, as well.) By reading the comments, one can see that many men are trying to be heroic in what they see as a battle for their marriages. But it’s also be good for them to consider what you are trying to point out, as well. There needs to be insights given to both sides of the Menopause Journey. Thanks for sharing!
(JAPAN) I stumbled across this list of posts after googling, “How much nagging is acceptable in marriage.” People are obviously very neurotic about marriage, and “vows” and “love” and “my kids” etc. Yes, the vein of all these threads is predominantly neurotic: a mental and emotional disorder that affects only part of the personality, is accompanied by a less distorted perception of reality than in a psychosis, does not result in disturbance of the use of language, and is accompanied by various physical, physiological, and mental disturbances (as visceral symptoms, anxieties, or phobias).
I have so much to say about this subject but to go on would be to indulge my own pathetic neurosis about it, so I’m just going to say the basics.
1. The fact so many of you/us are obsessed about this is not so much due to “vows” and “sacred promises” and “love for my kids” etc, but more due to the fact you/we have nothing else. You’ve invested everything in it, and to lose it, feels like you’re going to lose everything.
This is completely false. The world is not going to break apart if you decide to live and draw the line on a person that you married and say “either get it, or get lost.” Yes God created marriage, but he also created trees, and Mondays, and lets not forget he also created Satan and the snake, and the two trees in the garden that even to a child resemble a trap. I too am married (fool that I am, Matt 19:10, 1 Cor 7). But you see that is another trap, thinking marriage is some irreversible condition, some kind of illness, or jail sentence. And my saying “fool that I am” is indicative that I also have fallen into a way of thinking that is just not real. The Bible certainly doesn’t paint marriage in that light, and the married lives of the men of scripture are colorful and far from conventional and straight forward. Why should our lives be any different? Marriage as you see it is merely a concept that in your mind seems real and clearly defined. There are many models of family and marriage, and the one that is causing you all so much anguish is called the “Exclusive Nuclear Marriage.” It’s an idea, a concept; it is no more real or concrete than your morals. Gravity is real. Wind is real. “Marriage” and what it is, like morals, is debatable. Gravity is not debatable. It is a law.
Why all the neurosis about leaving a person? It simply isn’t necessary. Your kids aren’t going to be adversely effected. They aren’t going to be condemned to a cycle of the same neurotic tight rope walking. They will live their lives, whether you stay with the person who doesn’t get it or not. Nothing can change the fact you are their parent. Staying with a person who refuses to get it won’t do them any favors. Stop trying to make it their problem. All this nonsense about “kids of divorce.” Divorce as a social phenomena first hit our pathetic and sick culture in the fifties. Ha, everyone it hit came from homes whose parents hadn’t divorced. The anguish you’re experiencing and all the feelings of guilt and obligation have nothing to do with marriage. They are part of this culture, and you’ve been conditioned to think this way, and feel all this soul crushing horror at the thought of what is simply at the end of the day changing your living arrangements. It doesn’t make sense.
Dump the social religious conditioning from your mind and emotions and then make a decision; also, do your research. Kids from divorce are neither positively or negatively effected by the divorce in any measurable sense. Or by whether you live in the same house or a different house. Think about it. What effects them, and us all, is primarily meso/macro environment. Not micro context of nuclear marriage. But also, in the interim, their lives are less enjoyable due to the unhealthy relationship you so doggedly persist with. Just end it. And do it right. Sit down, make the arrangements –get a house nearby –whose going to pick them up from school, drop them off –what about birthdays, and weekends, and Christmas? Do it right and trust me, the kids will be fine.
You all sound so obsessed and neurotic. If the person you’re stuck with doesn’t get it, and doesn’t want to, it is not loving or brave or sensible or admirable in any sense to keep doggedly persisting with them due to some moral religious concept about “vows” and “for life” and “sanctity.” You stay because you’re scared, you’re financially challenged, or you have an egotistical hero complex and want to “save” your kids, and show the world how much you can take and not “quit.”
If you had an ounce of desire to really love, you’d draw a line. Love draws a line. Remember that. Love draws a line. Otherwise love accepts anything. And that is not love. Love discriminates. Start loving. And start by loving yourself. Jesus said love your neighbour as you love yourself. Show your kids how, and they might grow up and be able to do the same, instead of following your neurotic guilt ridden subservience to some vow, and some ideal, that wasn’t invented by you or them, and is only about some social order that keeps us all down.
All this neurosis about “marriage” and “vows” and all the ideas that go with it, is simply not necessary. Have you ever stopped to think that some models of marriage don’t require all this anguish and pain and self negating ego fuelling hero acting? All this anguish isn’t necessary. Talk calmly, tell them what’s going to happen if they don’t get it, cry your tears, and leave. Don’t divorce, don’t go to court. Love your kids and live your life. Show your kids how to live. If you don’t have any kids, then get that weight from off your back NOW. Marriage and divorce isn’t anything but a little pebble in a lake in the great scheme of things. In fact, it doesn’t even exist. It’s just an idea. And there are a thousand ways to do it. Not just the limited Cyclops way of exclusive nuclear monogamy. Think outside the square. Everyone is putting far too much weight and importance on whether you live in the same house with this person or not. Who instilled these sentiments and weighty concepts and morals into you? Ask yourself that. Where did these ideas come from?
And don’t just say “from the Bible.” God isn’t standing over you with a big stick. Sure he loves you and the other people in your house, and he invented marriage and also divorce, but his plan for your life isn’t going to be effected one bit by anything you do or don’t do, and especially not by whether or not you stay married to someone who just isn’t getting it. He’s God remember. It’s so much like “the Sabbath.” God made “the Sabbath” for man, not man for the Sabbath. Jesus had to do battle with the religious leaders over this. You guys have been fiddled with in the head by religious leaders who have told you “God made YOU for marriage.” But that’s a lie. God made “marriage for man” not man for marriage.
Good luck everyone. But at the end of the day, in the great scheme of things, whether you stay married to this person or not, is utterly irrelevant and inconsequential to great eternal destiny that awaits those in Christ. Celebrate that by opening the flats available section of the newspaper today and circling a few nearby, then plan a day out with your kids on Saturday to go and look at some. It’ll be fun.
(Canada) Wow Morgan. Thought this was a Christ centred blog – your anti-Christian rant has no place here. A VOW is a promise btw … whether in marriage or business. I can see that a marriage or any kind of contract mean nothing to you. Further, re: kids – check the stats re: kids of divorce. They will show that you are 100% wrong – sorry.
(USA) I’d like to ask a simple question. If you were asked the following question what would your answer be? Please answer honestly and use pretty much the first thing that comes to mind. The question is: “Why are you with your partner”?
The reason I am asking this is simple. Today I had a meeting with a business associate who does business consulting. This meeting included my wife and myself. At some point during our meeting the consultant turned to my wife and asked her the question of “Why are you with David”? I quickly answered the question in my mind as to what she would most likely say and then I answered in my mind how I would reply. Both answers were “I love him” or “I love her.” My wife answered the question like this. “Because we have children.”
Can anyone please let me know your thoughts and or comments with regards to this. I was completely blown away by her answer and reallly hurt. I felt and do feel right know while writing this that her answer was simply that she was in this relationship strictly out of obligation because we have children. This is how I feel based on her answer. Please give me some feedback as to your thoughts. Thanks, David
(USA) So many men and women today just can’t seem to be committed to one another anymore, like they did years ago. Boy, I wish that I was born sooner, then I would have found a real good woman and had a family like I always wanted to have. I was married at one time myself, but she cheated on me. Now it is very hard for me to connect with another woman again, since many of the women today are so very nasty. Many women today are certainly not looking to meet men like they once use to. Where are the good women today for us serious men that are really looking?
(USA) The best thing to do is to never get married. It’s a raw deal for women especially. Women work full time, do most of the housework, most of the work revolving around the kids and men gripe because they aren’t getting “serviced” regularly. It’s time to just do away with marriage unless you really want kids. I’m married because I was dumb enough to want children. As is typical, I’m the breadwinner, I do all the housework and childcare. I have nothing left of myself at the end of the day. I actually told my husband to go get a girlfriend until the kids are old enough for us to divorce. He said nothing to that -didn’t even blink so he is more than likely having an affair. I could care less. When women have to “raise” their husbands like their own children, they lose respect for them and it never comes back.
My parents are in their sixties and were divorced last year. My mother said she already raise 3 children and was tired of the 4th. My father remarried within 6 months because he can’t function without a slave. My mother said she will never remarry as she never wants to have to take care of someone other than herself until her dying day. She’s never been happier. 15 more years till my youngest is off to college, then I too am out. Ladies, marriage is a no win situation. Better to just go it alone.
(UNITED STATES) It seems that everyone is playing the role of the victim to justify their actions or taking a self righteous position of being perfect in the relationship. I’m going to take a different approach as someone that is currently going through his second divorce at the age of 33. I will take the majority of the blame as I became verbally abusive in response to being rejected 2 years into our 4 year marriage.
We met in a Bible study that I was leading. At the time, I was known as the guy who had made it clear that I didn’t believe in remarriage after divorce. I was pretty dogmatic all around and she liked that I seemed to have all of the answers and seemed certain of my answers. Well, through counsel, study, and prayer, I decided that remarriage might not be wrong and decided to pursue my wife (thinking back on it now, I don’t know if I had the best motives for my decision).
We dated for 1 month before getting engaged and got married 3 months later. Although we didn’t know each other as well as other couples, we entered with the mindset of finding our identity in Christ and learning from our differences. We were committed to each other and to the marriage. I think that is the key to marriage -viewing it as God’s creation that He created in order to give us a better picture of Christ and the Church. As soon as we lost sight of that, our marriage fell apart. For the past 2 years, I have focused on what I needed and didn’t get.
For the first 2 years, we were pretty solid and had a little girl 1 year into the marriage. Now, I’d say that we both lost sight of our commitment to each other and to God about this time. I was employed as Director of a Flight School and she was (and is) a 4th grad teacher. May 2010, I had a past student and former employee die in a plane crash. It really made me question everything (not necessarily in a bad way) -the way I viewed people in good/bad terms, the way I viewed God, the dogma that I was so certain of, and the way I had never really let anyone in. So, I decided to let my wife in, with the hope of finding encouragement and taking our relationship to a deeper level. I opened up, cried and explained what I was feeling. She accepted me and it felt like it would strengthen the relationship.
Unfortunately, it didn’t last and the next time I opened up was when I was told that I failed at my job and was going to be taken down from leadership and put in a back office proofreading our internet training programs. This was a huge blow to my ego (which tells me that I wasn’t looking to God) as I had never really failed at anything. I went to my wife looking for encouragement and she reaffirmed that I must have done something wrong and that she wasn’t made to listen to my feelings -that is what a counselor is for. I felt betrayed and again, I wasn’t focused on my identity in Christ, I was focused on my ego and feelings. Well, I continued to try to pursue her by continuing to open up. And every time, I was dismissed, told that she wouldn’t talk about it, and then just flat out ignored. The constant perception of being rejected eventually brought out a side of me that I had never experienced -rage. Looking back on it, I don’t think it was directly related to her. I think it was directed at the feeling of being worthless because I was finding my value in what she thought of me and not in what God says. I also think that I had developed idols (identity as a pilot and success, being well thought of and respected, pride in being the one with the answers, etc.) that needed to be taken down and, as those were stripped away, I looked to my wife as my last hope, which was an unfair burden to place on her.
At the same time, as I was losing everything that I had identified myself with, it was a shock to her. The man she had married didn’t look like the guy in front of her. I know it must have scared her. Also, during this time, I had surgery and filled my emptiness with painkillers. When those ran out, I found something that is legally sold on line as a substitute but became addicted to that (still am struggling). I told her about it but she wasn’t sure about it.
Anyway, this whole thing went on for a few months after the job problem before she decided that she needed to talk to a counselor about the verbal abuse. I agreed to go. We didn’t stay with the counselor as she was all about doing what makes you happy. She told me multiple times that any other woman would have left me so I should be grateful that my wife was even around (from that moment on, all that has been told repeatedly to my wife is that I am the bad guy and she is the victim so, to this day, she says that she has nothing to change and I’m the only one that needs to change.
I take full responsibility for my actions but, this type of advice doesn’t help and it’s not Christ-centered. It teaches that marriage fails because of one person. It treats the other party like they are evil, and it doesn’t encourage extending grace. Granted, I didn’t deserve anything good. I had violated my vow to cherish her. At the same time, something was going on mentally and I didn’t know what was wrong (turns out I had PTSD from abuse and rejection from when I was 5). The anger always came when I was ignored or treated with disgust (I acted like a little kid throwing a tantrum). I was looking for encouragement that was refused time and again. I had asked her (never demanded) to show me a little bit of respect. I asked her to give me one good thing about me (just because I wanted to know that she still saw something in me). She told me that I didn’t deserve respect and that she couldn’t think of anything good. That was my lowest point and I really think she could have helped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming her and I know that it was my responsibility. At the same time, I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me by going to a therapist and a new marriage counselor and my goal was to make the marriage work. If that’s the goal in your marriage, even if you see yourself as the victim and your spouse “is to blame”, you might be able to help them by extending what they don’t deserve. This hinges on the belief that marriage is ultimately a way for us to show Christ.
I didn’t think this way for the past 2 years. However, I knew all of the doctrine regarding marriage and I was still familiar with the Bible. The problem was that I didn’t believe it. I associated my wife’s rejection as rejection from God. I associated the rejection that I experienced from the church as God’s rejection. I experienced confusion with what I believed and thought God had turned His back. I’m just now starting to believe that God has been here the whole time but now my wife is insistent on divorce. And I understand -as my anger outbursts increased in frequency she became more closed and calloused. I don’t recall any compliment or encouragement over the past year and she would only say that she loved me when we were in counseling. Now I did try to work on this (even did 2 30-day intensive therapy programs and gave up my ability to fly airplanes again by agreeing to taking medication). But, I really don’t see how we could ever work side-by-side when one person has been told that they don’t need to change and they then buy into that nonsense. The only way it could work would be if she called off the divorce and I took my eyes off of me (and to some extent, my wife) and focused on Christ.
For the guys -The key is to love like Christ and not like me. That means that you lay down your life for her as Christ did for us. This could be in the form of giving up something to show interest in something that is important to her. It also requires that you are seeking to sanctify her knowing that you will one day present her back to her True Husband. I think that, with a shift in our mindset and with God’s help, we would do all of the things that the women profess that they need and we would not be so hurt when things that we do go unnoticed. Plus, we will view our mission to love our wives in the way Christ loves as a gift and not a never-ending attempt to fulfill the “selfish” woman’s “desires.” I wish I would have kept Christ as central as I wouldn’t be looking at divorce from a woman that I truly love and respect and I wouldn’t have 2 kids with divorced parents. I think of all of the hurt that I caused all because I looked to my wife to fulfill my needs without filling hers. And, most importantly I sinned against God. I still have quite a few changes to make to myself, but I’m starting to see how this will (as wrong as it is) still cause growth and will be used by God to glorify himself. In the same way that Christ would never abandon the Church, I can choose not to abandon my wife (even if divorced) and wait for her.
To the ladies: Please don’t think that I’m bashing anybody and know that it is not my intent to justify my abuse or anybody else’s. I just think that, if the goal is to show Christ and the Church to each other and to the world, marriages would be different. I know that verbal and physical abuse is typically associated with the husband and is most visible. This goes for the guys as well, emotional abuse is just as harmful. This could be constant criticism, withholding, name-calling, manipulation, etc. I’m guilty of verbal and emotional abuse and my wife was more emotionally abusive. If the goal is to make the marriage last, try to show grace and break the cycle. Don’t not do something because the other doesn’t deserve it -that goes against the concept of grace. Just as husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, the Church is to show respect to Christ and wives to their husbands. There is always something good that you can see in your spouse, even at their worst. Remind them that they have something that you still respect.
For all, don’t give up and extend grace. It’s not too late.
(USA) Randy, I know your pain of wanting to love someone, that doesn’t love you or hasn’t learned to express love in a healthy manner. I’ve been married for 24 years to a man who refused to go to church, so I quit going. He refused to honor my request to seek marriage counseling, so I let it go when I knew we were in trouble. I let him take away my self worth by believing that all of his short comings were my fault and that I was expecting too much from him. Instead of drugs, I turned to food for comfort and gained about 100 pounds over the last 20 years. I stayed because I love my husband and I’m leaving him because I can no longer stay with someone who treats me with so like respect.
He states that he loves me and deep down he might. But, what I’ve allowed him to do to me is not love. I’ve allowed him to be selfish and self centered and it was not fair to me or our sons (adults). I’ve never been a stay at home mom, I’ve worked the entire marriage and raised our sons while following and supporting him in his miltary career. I told him today, that I’m leaving him and to my suprise he seemed shocked, like how could you do this to me? He actually said, that maybe after being separated, I’ll come to my senses and we’ll get back together. Come to my senses, come to my senses???!!! I was so put off that I didn’t know what to say. Now that I’ve calm down, I realized I’ve come to my senses and I’m leaving him and I will reconnect with the things, people and ideas that are important to me.
I am married and also working. My husband doesn’t provide for me. One day I asked for some money. What he told me was that should I always ask of money from him to buy something? But I’ve never asked him of money before. He said that’s why I am working so I can provide for myself. So please, is that how it is supposed to be? I am really confused.
There is no one gender, spouse, etc. that is always to blame. Women cheat, men cheat, there are abusive men, abusive women, etc. The problem is that our society is extremely narcissistic now and it does not lend well to a supportive partnership with anyone. We have lost sight of God in our relationships and that is the biggest issue of all.
That is why I wish that I could had been born many years sooner, which would had made it much easier meeting a good woman for a good man like me that wanted to have a family. There are just too many very high maintenance women out there with their high paying jobs that think they are God’s gift to men, which they’re certainly NOT.
Seems like this article turned into a debate about cheating for the most part. But the gist of the article is why men and women leave their marriages. From my own experience and studies, it seems men and women enter into relationships and marriage with different expectations and perspectives about how things should be. When those expectations aren’t met, people are more likely to go “outside” the relationship or marriage to get their needs met with someone else.
Most of us go into marriages with no real knowledge of how to really “relate” to another. We have little to no concept of how to resolve conflict, power struggles, etc… or even how to really communicate with each other. Love turns into war at some point. Each person coming into a marriage has past wounds, experiences and baggage and all of that comes out during the course of the marriage. It’s an understatement to say that it is tough to work through all of that. It is really, really hard for each person to be honest about what is really going on, because all of us have blind spots about ourselves -and that’s where each of us usually starts to blame the other, in a kind of “It’s you who is the problem, not me”. It usually takes a lot of guts, hard work and usually some outside help to turn a troubled marriage around. Much of the time people just “give up” and hope that the grass is greener on the other side with someone else… and usually we end up going around the same “mountains” with the new person.
Thankfully, there are more resources than ever out there that people in troubled marriages can benefit from. It’s worth it. Finding the right counselor is crucial as well. It’s amazing, but most people will spend more money on cars and vacations than they are willing to spend on counseling or other things that would help save their marriage with the one person who should be the most important priority. It seems like most of us learn that too late…
Well said. Thank you!!!
This article caught my attention while seeking an answer on whether or not to separate from my husband. He is my 2nd. My first left me, and then cheated. After which, I got a divorce. In that marriage I loved him with everything I had. It wasn’t easy, but I did get over the betrayal. My current husband, the 2nd, is wonderful to me. We have had a few hurdles to overcome, but for the most part, he is a good man. We didn’t marry right away, and took our time, therefore, I knew what I was getting into before I married him, and I did it anyway.
I do love him, it’s just that we have two issues that we have had from the beginning. The first is that we’re hardly ever intimate. I have to beg for it, which makes me feel cheap as a woman. I shouldn’t have to beg my husband for sexual intimacy. He says it’s not me, and he’s not cheating, but he’s just lazy. Which also leads to problem number two. Finances. He’s on disability, which provides very little. I work, but deep down inside I resent him for not being the breadwinner in our home. I feel like he just sits around while I work everyday, and I don’t like it.
He tells me that I knew it was gonna be this way before we married therefore, I have no reason to be upset, and to a certain extent he’s right, but I can’t help it. I do resent him for it, and for withholding sexual intimacy from me due to his being lazy. Sometimes, I have to admit that I do try to emasculate him on purpose thinking that this may snap him out of it, but it never works, and I feel guilty afterwards. So, I’m trying to stop doing this, but I constantly tell him that these things bother me, to no avail. I’ve been tempted to cheat just for sexual gratification. Nothing serious, but the only thing that stops me is knowing that the Lord would not like this.
It’s all so tragic because he really does love me. He hugs me a lot, and we laugh together a lot, and he tells me he loves me all the time. No man has ever expressed their love for me so openly. It’s just these two areas that are causing me to lose hope for my marriage. We had a big fight again tonight about, you guessed it, sex, and money. I just don’t know if I can hold on any longer.
I sit at my parents tonight after my father bailed me out of jail because my wife and I got in a fight and she called the police. I’m facing felony charges and I still love that woman like no other. She is the only woman I’ve ever been with, and our wedding night was my first time, but she had other history. I love her and would do anything for her, but what she says is never enough. It has turned to the law and charges against me, but I love her and want to work things out.
She is comparing me to others, which is where I have my greatest fears. It’s not in performance or what I have to offer, but how I react to her actions. I can win at this, but it takes her being willing to see that. The only thing I have for you is that I don’t know how this will turn out. But I love my wife and family and won’t leave this earth with any regrets.
Have faith and know that you’re not in control. God can use all things for good. He steers the ship. Just hold on and get ready for big waves. It’s not you that stray away from them. Your job is to hold on and deal with the aftermath like Jesus would, as hard as that might be.
I can totally relate to all of what you’ve written. My husband is just plain lazy. He’s very capable, but refuses to work. He comes up with excuse after excuse after excuse. And, there is essentially no intimacy in our marriage. He always “has too much on his mind.” Like you, this is my second marriage. I finally gave him an ultimatum and he has left.
Part of me hopes he’s able to work out his issues and we can be reunited, but another part of me feels free from the stress and frustration of it all. As a Christian, I believe I’m bound to him, and so would not remarry, but living with him was really more of a friendship than a marriage, so I don’t really feel I’ve lost anything. Sad, really.
I totally understand. The sad part is what you need doesn’t cost him anything. Feeling like his buddy isn’t a marriage. It hinders a lady’s growth as a woman. Seems that a lot of men say things they do not mean I wish you well.
Susan, I thought I would chime in from a mans perspective. You posted that- “Sometimes, I have to admit that I do try to emasculate him on purpose thinking that this may snap him out of it, but it never works, and I feel guilty afterwards.”
As far as resenting and emasculating, this will never work. The more you do this the less of a man he will feel and if he does not feel like a man in your eyes then he will never want to have sex. Trust me, I would bet my paycheck on this and I’m not a betting man. If you resent him, I can guarantee he knows it, even if you don’t think you show it. I’d be surprised if it didn’t bother him that you’re the primary bread winner. If it doesn’t bother him then there’s a whole other set of issues that he has, and my heart goes out to you.
You do have a choice in how you respond to your husband. You can try changing tactics. Make him feel like a man, like he’s the most important thing in the world and give it 6 months of that. Try to read Love & Respect
and For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men
. I don’t think that most women have any idea how to relate to their husbands as men anymore than men know to relate to their wives as women.
The other thing I’d check on though, is pornography. If he’s looking at that then he won’t be interested in “real time” sex. I only bring this up because if he is at home with tons of idle time then for any man that can be a temptation. Another thing is that you mentioned he’s on disability. Is he taking any medication? That can definitely make a difference on sex drive.
Now- if it’s just pure laziness there’s no excuse for that. Please know that you don’t have to cater or enable that type of behavior. Laziness is nothing more than selfishness and if you just allow it to happen he will never change. While you should still respect him biblically you don’t have to cater to laziness.
I was married for 17 years. Separated last yr. Now staying at our home (she left with my daughter) to her own place. I have tried everything to reconciliate but she won’t have it. I never had an affair nor had any domestic abuse issues. Finances were always taken care of and we had a beautiful home. We both worked, but suddenly she was “not happy.”
Okay, after a year I am accepting this and trying to be civil for the sake of our daughter. But every time I have a phone conversation about finances, she gets all angry and threatens with divorce. I have been providing what I can in child support and meanwhile paying all the debts we both had. I just asked for her to help me a little and at first it was agreeable. But now it’s horrible.
Needless to say I have no choice but to start delaying debt payments we both have in order to start paying a lawyer. Obviously if I don’t start handling our finances through the courts, she will try and destroy me financially. Sad that she is reacting this way when she was the one who walked out. On top of all this she is preventing me from having any sort of visitation with my daughter. What should I do? Should I beat her to the punch and file for divorce immediately?