I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.
I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,
“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)
For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.
First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.
So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.
So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):
• WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT
And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:
• FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex
• 10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
— ADDITIONALLY —
Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX
• HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2
I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!
Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:
I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.
There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:
• THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO
These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.
Past Abuse Nightmares
Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.
I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.
I write a bit about it in the article:
• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY
If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:
• SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound
There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.
But whatever it is, please work on it.
They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”
I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“ (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)
You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.
Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.
Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.
But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.“
You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.
Yes, he should stay faithful.
That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.
I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.
My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”
A Time for Everything
Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.
I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).
Work on your issues.
If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.
If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.
The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.
There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.
Helpful Resources:
There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.
But what if you don’t feel like it?
If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.
I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!
Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:
How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.
“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”
I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.
In closing:
Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:
“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.
“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God‘ (Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.
“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
This article has helped me so much! It is true that sometimes we (women) feel so exhausted when the day is over, that we are not in the best attitude to handle our husband’s needs and requests. Sometimes I admit to have felt with no desire to please him, but that is selfishness and we need to remember that “love does not insist on its own way” and that “everything is possible for God” and we just need to pray and ask for his guidance and help! Love endures all things! God talked to me today through this article!! Thank you Lord!
Thanks Joan, for sharing your insight… it is very much appreciated!
So for my wife and I, I think it is definitely the hibernation thing compiled with busyness and tiredness. I’m praying and trying to be understanding. I’m begging God to help me be content with simply her even when sex is scarce to non-existent. God is good. He is answering my prayers. But this is sooo hard. I’ve tried talking to her about it in a myriad of ways and it always ends up in the same place ‘well we don’t have to do it at all if you’re not happy it.’ Which I don’t want that for sure.
We have been married around 15 years and have gone from the typical newlyweds phase frequency (which in new wouldn’t always be that way) to at best once a month. Or when I try to talk to her she says she doesn’t want to talk about it or just gets mad and says I don’t understand how tired she is. Hey. She’s probably right. I’m probably guilty at least on some occasions of being insensitive towards her exhaustion. Surely that’s not always true though? Sometimes when I make a move she will push me away and sometimes if I’m not sure if she’s just being playful I try again laughingly. Sometimes she is just playing and being fun and sometimes she sighs a frustrated sigh and says. “Well let’s just get it over with…” and isn’t joking. I’ve tried in the moment or well after the fact to mention that that hurts me and she blows it off and says to just get over it. So I apologize for getting her upset and forget it. Bury the hurt and move on.
The sum total of the sexual portion of our relationship is completely up to her. If I don’t initiate it never gets brought up and it’s entirely up to her how and when it happens if at all. And when I initiate it I do so fearfully because if she isn’t up for it then it will not just be a rejection but a hard one that ends up me feeling like I’ve done something wrong… I get that she’s tired. But I’m tired too and I still try to keep in mind the God-given value for sex in marriage. She has time for every other priority but me.
And she sends mixed signals. During the regular day’s activities she might mention loving me in front of the kids. Making a point to tell them how much she loves me or thinks I’m handsome. If I’m in the kitchen alone she might give me a hug or suggestive touch of some sort. But if I make a move and she’s not up for it it’s all systems down and I’m rude for asking or only thinking about me or always wanting sex. For the record I don’t always want sex. But I would hope for more than once a month at our still young age? P.S – The present tally is 1 time in the last nearly 4 months… Legit question, am I asking too much? I really want to know…
I just want her to initiate every once in a while so that I know she still wants it at all even if not like I do… I want her to actually want it and enjoy it and be more mutually giving in it… I want, when she goes get intimate with me, to not start it off by making it feel like she’s doing me a huge favor and she would really rather be doing literally 1,000 other things than this and that this is just such a bother.. “just get started already”
We are both believers. I absolutely will not consider (as some other articles suggest) adultery and I will not resort to porn. And I’m afraid that if I resort to “self” resolve physically that I’ll just grow cold to a cheap substitute and inadvertently grow cold towards her. Definitely don’t want that. And divorce is 200% out of the question.
I love my wife but because she gets it as often and how she needs she doesn’t see a problem. The only problem she thinks we have in that realm is that I want it too much and that no matter how much we had sex I’d never be satisfied.
I want to talk to her and I’ve literally tried every approach. Nothing works. I’m at a loss and feel so shut off from her that I find myself afraid to try for fear of more rejection and making her angry. Nearly 15 ears of marriage and this has been going on for at least 7-8 years or so. I used all anon info but I’ll be checking comment info. Please help.
Dear Desperate, I don’t want you to think that your comment fell on deaf ears or hardened hearts. I’ve been praying for you ever since you commented. I just don’t know that I have new wisdom for you. But I want you to know that you are not alone. Others do care. I am so glad you are not feeding temptation and will not “consider” doing that, which you know you shouldn’t (even though it must be tempting). You are an honorable man.
I don’t have a lot of new info to give you to help you to open your wife’s ears and her heart towards your needs. All I can say is that I was one of those wives who was once clueless as to the importance of my husband’s intimate needs. He tried in every way that he knew how to get me to understand. I just didn’t. And what is even worse, I denied him way, way too many times, for years. For that I am so sorry. But eventually it was God who woke me up. Through some things I read, and God talking to my heart, I woke up and realized, “What am I thinking? Just because I haven’t wanted it, why is that a reason to deny my husband?” It’s a long story, but I DID wake up. And I can’t even start to tell you how glad I am… not to mention how glad my husband is.
There is a web site of another woman who went through much the same thing. Her name is Chris. She writes, “After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.” She also writes, “After 20+ years of stubbornness, selfishness, sexual gatekeeping, and discontent, I started to change how I behaved toward my husband. After action came feeling. After all the years of being a poster child for how not to be a wife, I’ve reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, emotionally and physically. In refusing my husband sexually, I was denying him my love.” Here is her web site, in case you would like to pose questions to her: http://forgivenwife.com.
The reason I’m saying all of this is to give you hope. I don’t want to give you false hope… but I do want you to know that there are some of us who wake up as God talks to our hearts. Keep praying. Keep praying for yourself to be the husband God created you to be. Pray that God will show you how to “speak the truth in love” … not denying that you have needs, but finding ways to tell your wife in loving ways. And pray for your wife. She may be a very nice person in other ways, but she is denying that your needs are as important as hers. There should at least be some compromise here. I’m sure that isn’t what you ultimately want –compromise… but it’s a start. And you never know where that can lead. Pray that God will talk to her. He does to many, many of us. I hope and pray He is able to reach through to your wife and that someday you won’t be “desperate” in want, but desperately in love, along with being sexually satisfied with your intimacy with your wife. May God bless you both in every aspect of your marriage.
Desperate… I understand. I’m living your struggle as well. I try my best to help out so that my wife isn’t tired and has more time. I cook, wash clothes, do dishes, etc., but it’s never enough and she just doesn’t seem interested. My wife also tells me that I want sex all the time, but she never initiates it and if I don’t attempt it, it never happens. It could be me, but it feels like everything and everybody else gets the best of her and I just have to deal with whatever is left over.
I too have tried talking to her about it, but I feel like I’m being viewed as some sort of sex crazed monster at the end of it and she’ll sometimes get an attitude. We’d go 4-6 weeks sometimes 8 weeks without sex and she doesn’t even seem to notice. If I reach over to touch her she pulls away… if she’s asleep she’s even woke up to tell me to leave her alone. She tells me that she loves me and that she’s happy to be married to me, but it doesn’t feel like it. My wife has a job where she deals with people all day everyday and I know it can be emotionally taxing and on the weekends it’s all about the children and church and it leaves me wondering where do I fit in.
I’ve asked the question and told her how I feel and it’s turned into an argument once or twice where she’s told me that if someone else would make me happy to go and marry them, to which I’ve responded that I don’t want anyone else I just want better from her. She won’t respond, but I feel like she emotionally shut down. Church, the children, her family, her job, and whatever other responsibilities come first… I come somewhere near the end. When we do have sex there isn’t even any real foreplay… its more like thanks for the orgasm, but hurry up and get it over with. I’m trying my best to do what I know God wants me to do, but she isn’t making it any easier for me.
I want to keep my marriage intact, but I feel like it’s slowly falling apart. I feel like a glorified roommate who occasionally has sex with my sexy female roommate when she has nothing better to do, but has expectations of me that I must keep because we’re living together. I sometimes feel a little angry after sex because I don’t feel like she’s into it and only did it to shut me up and it won’t be happening again for another 6-8 weeks. I’m in that same boat with you buddy and in need of prayer. No judgement on them, but I have no Christian friends who have been in the same position and I can’t/won’t do what they did.
You just told my story man. Especially being a little angry after sex knowing you gave your all and she didnt, then knowing it will be months again. This has been 5 years. I think I either need to just shut down my desires completely and totally forget about sex or I have to leave. I don’t want to. I adore my wife. But to love someone and want to express that so much and knowing that the feeling isn’t mutual with her is not only crushing, but kills me a little more inside each and every day. There have been times that I wasn’t “In love” and other times I kinda disliked her. But I then double my efforts and look for new things and new reasons to love her and be attracted to her. It’s worked every time. It hurts bad knowing that evidently she doesn’t feel I’m worth the same effort. Hope yours works out. You sound like a good man.
Desperate – You have literally described in almost exact detail what I have been through after being married for 17 years. Every feeling and frustration included. Joan, I am a Christian and failed terribly. I am not the honorable man I had promised to be. I gave in to adultery and porn and it nearly destroyed my marriage, family, and career. I turned my back on God and at one point started to believe Satan’s influence on me that my affair was actually a part of God’s plan. The very idea I would even think that our perfect and loving God would condone something so sinful. I hurt my sweet wife and to this day I know she worries and most likely, struggles with trust. Not one day goes by without me thinking about the terrible choices I made.
Only by God’s grace and perfect love has our marriage endured this terrible thing. I have tearfully asked for God’s and her forgiveness. We have since then been able to resume life and marriage normally but there are days when I know she is “haunted”. Although I know I am forgiven, I cannot forget my stupidity and will always feel ashamed. I’m also writing to say the issues that led to my infidelity are upon me again. However, I am grounded in my faith more than ever to keep me faithful and committed to my wife. I still feel Satan lurking but he does not win. It’s so frustrating to feel the same issues again and I’m very confused as to why I am not her desire. She is certainly mine. Stay committed Desperate. I wished I had been.
Did I write this and not even realize it? You and me are one in the same. Incredible.
Desperate, That affection, etc., she shows in front of the kids is just that:for show – privately she disrespects and despises you with every fibre of her being, ironically for the very things you are doing “right;” being patient, loving, kind, forgiving etc. You are a “nice guy,” and no disrespect intended, but that is your first mistake.
I have been married for 9 years and everything this article I am going through. A Serious bait-and-switch for me. My wife started being very sexual, giving me oral and any other sex I thought was healthy for marriage. I received nothing and a lot of selfishness and great pain for me. God help me.
My wife acts as though she has no desire at all, but claims she wants sex almost as much as me! Last year, I tried an experiment where I did not initiate at all. We went four months without sex. This confirmed to me what I suspected all along: she can do without it.
Now I never initiate or even hint at sex; and, as expected, we rarely, if ever, have sex. I tell her all the time how much I love her, how beautiful she is, do the dishes etc (I don’t “help” with the dishes because I don’t think it’s her job in the first place), work hard, give her back rubs, sweet notes, etc, but she NEVER acts as though she wants sex, and after 15 years of hearing “I want you to want me for more than just sex”, I gave in. She won. I never initiate anymore. Now she claims it’s MY fault for our lack of sex. (Funny how women always blame the man for everything, right?) She claims it’s my fault, stating I’m no longer attracted to her because she’s gained weight. No, if there’s a loss of attraction, it’s because she acts totally asexual.
So for the past year I’ve chosen porn. We’re not having sex anyways and she obviously is ok without sex, so, rather than get divorced (we still love each other), I just take care of it myself.
I think my decision above is the real reason women are jealous of porn. It satisfies their men and that offends them because THEY want to be what “gets their man off” regardless of whether or not they’re willing to ACTUALLY get them off. Now before you get all judgemental on me and start quoting scripture about porn being the same as adultry, yeah, I think actual adultry would be much worse. I think in MOST men’s scenarios everyone is better off (when they have a refusing spouse) to stay with their family, love their wife, and just take care of it themselves. And, here’s the thing: whether or not you like what I wrote, THIS IS WHAT MOST MEN ARE CHOOSING! Most people know this but are just unwilling to admit it.
I really feel like women’s refusal of sex is finally catching up with them. They’ve said No long enough, and now porn is allowing men to give them their wish.
So, as Dr Phil says, “How’s that working for you?” You decided not to initiate, the whole scheme you devised (to stop initiating) proceeded into the direction you surmised it would. Your wife didn’t initiate. So now, it has come to the place where you have substituted the real thing of being intimate with your wife for pictures and moving images that behave themselves. Instead of intimacy with a real woman who loves you (and you say you love her), you now objectify the “woman” you have sex with (but mostly with your hand). How is this “better” than making the effort to initiate? This may seem like a good deal to you (because now you don’t have to “work” at initiating sex with your wife). You may seem satisfied now, but please know that this can go in a very bad direction at any point (and it probably will).
For now, this seems to be working for you, and you think it is working for your wife. But lets look at it a bit further. Even though this violates SO many principles biblically (this IS a Christian web site), there are other problems that can arise (and it does very, very often). Let me ask you… what happens when another man pays attention to your wife and the sparks fly? Are you willing to stay satisfied with your pictures and images and sleeping with your hand, and let her get fulfilled with another man elsewhere being all touchy and feely? Will “being right” about your theory feel better then? And what if she falls in love with this man, and figures you will be happy with your pictures and hand instead of her, so she leaves you for this other man? Please don’t think this can’t happen. I can tell you that it happens time and time, and time again… at an ever growing rate. We (and other marriage educators and counselors) are seeing this happening at epidemic proportions.
And do you really think that as the years go on you will be satisfied with the degrading pictures and moving images of women, and your hand? If you do… you are sure different than most of those who go into pornography. It will take more and more to satisfy you, because it’s an addictive habit you are going into. It’s like my brother (and millions of others) who thought that he could smoke cigarettes and never get hooked. It didn’t work that way (and now his heart and lung problems back up the falseness of his “sureness”… not to mention the heart surgery that he almost died during, AND his having to break the habit). My other brother thought he could beat the odds with dabbling in drugs. He died at 43 of complications from drug and alcohol abuse. To his surprise, he didn’t beat the odds. And now we’re all sadder because of it. He isn’t the only victim.
You may feel good for the moment in “telling it like it is” and getting satisfaction from that, and going into the fantasy world. But I truly believe you will live to regret all of this BIG time! Yes, your wife should initiate if it’s important to her. And yes, you are right in some of your accusations. But “right fighting” is not all it’s cracked up to be over the long run. The World of Regrets is a sad one to live in. We know. We hear from multitudes of spouses (mostly former spouses) who drove themselves into that place and are screaming for others to wake up and not go there. I hope you will run from it.
There are LOTS of things over our nearly 45 years of marriage that I have had to get over. There are many, many things I get tired of being the one who initiates or does, but I’ve had to look at the bigger picture. Is being “right” and being without the love of my life better than doing some things here and there that don’t seem fair? I have a GREAT relationship with my husband. I’d rather be the initiator of some things, and the one who does other things more than I’d like, and have a great marriage (and I do), than bite off my nose to spite my face. I’m sure there are other things my husband wishes I’d do more of without him having to do them (like filling the car with gas, and doing more of the yard work). But somehow, it all evens out. Life isn’t fair, but it can sure be a lot better when we quit the “right fighting” and just grow up and just be thankful that we have a spouse that we CAN do those things with –one we love, and who love us.
Please prayerfully consider what I’m saying here. Yes, you make some good points. But don’t lose the forest for the trees. It appears that you have a good woman there. Please don’t lose her because you want to show her that she’s wrong and prove to other women how wrong they are. In the whole scheme of things, this doesn’t work. I hope you will open your eyes, embrace your wife, and work to change the addicting habit you are getting yourself into. You both deserve better.
Cindy you said: so she leaves you for this other man? You are right. Couples quit being intimate with each other for all kinds of reasons. Some are understandable. Sex is painful (my wife is having that issue from menopause). I try to be easy, use what is necessary to reduce the pain, erectile issues, etc. But the healthy couples that complain, ‘not in the mood’ for months & years are crazy. We are in the mood for a 1 hour run, 1 hour spinning class, 2 hours of yard work, 3 hours of housework, 2 hours cleaning the cars, but not 10 minutes of sex, which helps keep the spouse’s heart & eyes at home? Do your homework because there are plenty of neglected spouses that will do it for you…
Fake it until you make it. Count me in. -Living in silence.
I’m a bit confused. You talk about a refusing wife… yet you say you quit initiating. Is she actually refusing to have sex with you, or do you consider her lack of initiation as refusal? To me, they are two different things. Was she having sex with you when you initiated?
Many, many, many women don’t have an internal drive or internal need to have sex. Many never experience sexual tension. They have no idea what that’s like. They actually need their husband to initiate in order to think about sex in the first place. And, yes, many woman are fine “doing without.” What is wrong with that? Women are wired differently.
If you want to have sex with your wife, initiate. Perhaps schedule it on the calendar. Not thinking about sex, or not physically needing sex for herself is not refusal. You are making your own misery. Your ego is getting in your way of finding a “good enough” sex life with your wife.
Thanks for the added insights. You give some good insights that needed to be said. Thanks again… appreciate it.
Kristy – Respectfully I answer you in this way. You said, “What is wrong with that?” —- (women doing without sex). While there may be a huge difference between men’s and women’s sexual drive, there is a point to a marriage that both parties should be willing to do what is good and right for the marriage. I have read and heard volumes of lay articles and psych self-help babble about how a man “NEEDS” to wash the dishes, make his mate “feel” loved, do and say all the right things….. in order to get what he needs. Yet, when it comes to a man’s need for respect, love, and physical intimacy, it’s simply OK for a woman to go along in life, not “wanting” physical intimacy, and not giving it to her man???? I apologize if this comes off as curt, but that’s the epitome of a double standard. I speak from a position of a man who has mostly done without physical intimacy from and with my wife for most of my 33 years of marriage.
Steve, I was not stating it is OK to not attend to a husbands needs. I was stating the fact that many women never have a need themselves, never feel a physical urgency for sex and can go long periods of time not thinking about sex at all.
Couple’s need to communicate their wants and desires and come to an agreement. ‘Telling it like it is’ just quit initiating. (Perhaps he got tired of being rejected…we don’t know. I got the impression he was testing to see how long she could go before she needed sex herself.) If his wife doesn’t need sex, and he quits initiating, guess what? She will probably thinks he doesn’t need it. If he doesn’t need it, and she doesn’t need it, in her mind, all is well.
Not wanting or needing sex for herself is not the same thing as refusing.
Ditto my brother. Ditto. No judgement here. I get it. My wife quit loving me. I didn’t quit loving her.
I have been searching for a web site that would talk about spouses refusing to have sex. I am a male married now 46 years. I have been refused sex completely for the past 10 years and almost completely the previous 10 years. I have struggled deeply with temptation, frustration and anger. All at different times in the last 20 years. I have approached the problem so many times that I feel like a beggar coming before my wife. I have asked to go to a doctor with her and she refuses. I have asked her to go on her own when she goes for checkups. I ask what the doctor said about her situation about lack of sex and she says she didn’t tell the doctor. Ten years ago she said there won’t be any sex and I shouldn’t ask any more. I have continued to approach her about sex in a kind and respectful manner to be turned away. I am at my wits end and feel so frustrated that I have prayed God to remove me from this world.
I feel if I push her she will break down and close off completely. Help!
Abusive relationship. The bruises are on the inside.
Brother. That’s spousal abuse. You are being mentally and spiritually abused. The bruises just don’t show. God Bless You man. I’m in a pretty similar situation and there are days I am so depressed I can barely function. Not sure yet what to do.
My wife and I have had a great sex life off and on throughout our 26 years of marriage. When it’s on, life is amazing for both of us, but when it’s off, it seems completely shut down.
I’ve gone through every possible cause over and over, and we’ve discussed the issue a ton of times. I believe with her that there is definitely a hormonal issue going on. She literally has no desire at all lately, and I know getting older hasn’t helped us any. I’m 48 and she’s 47. I know I haven’t dropped any desire for her, but sometimes I wonder if she even knows I sleep in the same bed. We’re both in decent shape, both decent looking. But I’ve literally been in tears at times, sitting up late at night, wondering what I need to do. I feel lonelier than I ever thought I would be.
In the past, I always just expected that the “good times” would return eventually and all would be well, so I just held on through the patches…She was usually just going through a phase of some sort. I do know that she had a rough go of things before we were together, and that has skewed her mind a bit on sex, painting it as a dirty thing rather than an enjoyable gift in our marriage. But I thought we had gotten past all those hangups years ago. I think it must be lack of hormones with her or something physical at this point. We have sex about once per month, sometimes twice if I’m lucky. But I say sex rather than making love, because I believe there is a difference.
When a woman simply has sex with her husband out of duty, realizing it has been a while so she needs to keep him satisfied, even if she fakes being a part of the act, he knows it’s one-sided. It’s not much different to him than masturbation…just feels a little better. It’s not about the physical sex as much as about being wanted physically. When a woman shows true desire for her man physically, he is fulfilled in every way you can imagine. A woman just doing the “duty” and having sex with her husband isn’t changing anything for him. He already knows he desires her. Her lack of desire for him is even more apparent than before the fake sex.
So I say all that to say this. I’m not at all satisfied with the lack of sex in my marriage, but I’m even more unsatisfied with the occasional quality time not being quality time.
At our ages now, we are finding ourselves with “alone” time more often than ever before. Our two youngest still live with us, but they are gone a lot, sometimes staying with friends for the weekend, etc. I really felt things would improve when this time of life came around, but it’s actually grown worse. It has revealed the truth more than anything, that my wife really doesn’t desire me at all. Not quite sure what will become of this, but I know she needs help from a doctor, hormone shots or something, or we’re really going to wind up in a dark place in our marriage. I’ve questioned her faithfulness before, but I’ve always known that she would never cheat on me. She’s golden in that way. She just seems content with living her marriage like a nun. She gets up each day and gives me a kiss and hugs me all the time, like nothing is wrong at all. And about once a month, she does her duty to “keep me satisfied.” But I can tell you, even if once a month was enough, there’s no satisfaction in “duty” sex.
“She literally has no desire at all lately, and I know getting older hasn’t helped us any”. Low libido in women is the number one complaint for sex therapists. Also, it’s the number one complaint for women starting or going through menopause. Perhaps she’s pretty normal.
“It’s not about the physical sex as much as about being wanted physically. When a woman shows true desire for her man physically, he is fulfilled in every way you can imagine.” OK, is that going to increase her desire for sex? Do men ever ask themselves why they feel this way? Might it partially be due to cultural upbringing and the concept that having a woman need her man for sex feeds his ego and feelings of masculinity? That puts an awful lot of pressure on a woman who is grappling with low sex drive. Perhaps men could re-evaluate their need for masculine reaffirmation when the sexual dynamics have become harder for their wives.
“Not quite sure what will become of this, but I know she needs help from a doctor, hormone shots or something, or we’re really going to wind up in a dark place in our marriage”. What I hear when I read this is: My wife needs to fix herself so that I can have the sex life I deserve or else she is going to ruin our marriage. (From experience, a hormone shot is not going to cause your wife to blossom into a sexual Goddess.)
How about: Gosh, my wife is struggling with her sex drive right now. I wonder what I can do to make our sexual experiences more pleasant for her. I know it has nothing to do with her love or lack there of for me. Maybe all she has to give right now is being willing to engage and share some special time with me because she loves me and knows how important sex is to me. Perhaps she enjoys our closeness even when she is finding energetic passionate sex a little difficult. Perhaps I need to change my attitude for the sake of the marriage.
Maybe my wife would be willing to schedule some intimate time more often than once a month so I won’t get quite so frustrated. Maybe I can come to appreciate that she is doing the best that she can for now. Maybe our sex life isn’t completely dependent on her behaviors but might have something to do with my attitudes and expectations which only I can change. Maybe we aren’t broken, we just need to reinvent ourselves. Perhaps, she and I can work together to create a sex life that will be “good enough” for both of us.
Brother. That’s spousal abuse. You are being mentally and spiritually abused. The bruises just don’t show. God Bless You man. I’m in a pretty similar situation and there are days I am so depressed I can barely function. Not sure yet what to do.
Sorry dude, its peri-menopause. She will eventually be in menopause. It will get worse before it gets better. But remember, her moods will get better. I know, I have recently been thru that with my wife. Hormone replacement therapy will help.
Hi I am a pastor and having the same struggle my wife refuses to have sex with me. I’ve done everything as a husband to help her in this area but nothing. I clean, and sometimes cook, take of the kids so she is free but when it comes to bed time, nothing. When I ask my wife I ask her in a fearful tone knowing I’m going to be turned down. And if she says yes, she has to come on top of me and she just lays there with no emotion, no feeling, waiting for me to finish. This breaks me so much. It causes problem in our marriage. I’ve shared scripture with her but nothing.
It’s tough because oh man, the lady members of the church throw themselves on me but I have to refuse, and fight that temptation of leaving my wife. Thoughts of leaving have come. This is not healthy for any marriage had I known this… My wife is such a good lover. I enjoy making love to her but I get refused.
Pray for us as I’m trusting God and asking for direction.
Pastor, I’m so very sorry that you are having to go through this. I’m also proud of you for resisting temptation. Yes, we know that many, many pastors have women approaching them sexually. It’s a type of hero-worship that can go to a person’s head and ruin them spiritually and maritally if they do not resist. The fact that your wife has put you in this place, PLUS the temptations you are facing makes this even more difficult. If only wives (and husbands who put their wives in this place) only realized this! It took me a while in my own marriage, but I’m so glad (and so is my husband) that God work me up.
I don’t know what is going on with your wife. I don’t know if it’s because of a bad past, or misguided thoughts, or lack of sexuality (maybe even caused from medical issues), or something else. But whatever it is, as a wife, who is half of a marital team, it is not good to put you in this place of abandonment sexually. Being a pastor though, you do have places where you can go for added wisdom –ones God can talk to you through. Please go to the following page on our web site: https://marriagemissions.com/about-us-2/pastors-and-missionary-marriages-links-and-resource-descriptions/. We have a topic for Pastors/Missionaries and their Spouses. That particular page gives links to many ministries that may be able to give you advice because they work with Pastoral situations all the time, plus, they would be a source that would keep this matter confidential. Thrivingpastor.org is one of many I’d recommend. Also, the ministry of Focus on the Family –South Africa would be another. You can find their web site at: https://www.safamily.co.za.
I hope you can find some help for this and that your wife’s eyes open up. You truly want to make love to your wife, not just have sex. I pray the Lord ministers to your needs personally and gives you good, godly advice somehow to improve things in the future. I also pray for your wife. She just doesn’t realize how important this is for your marriage partnership and how close you would be together, if she gave of herself to you. Eventually, it would be a mutual intimacy as husband and wife, with God shining down in approval. How terrible it would be if you fell, and how horrible for your marriage and family. I pray that somehow, you both are able to reconcile this distancing, and enjoy each other in every way you can as husband and wife.
I have been in an endless struggle for almost all my marriage. Even before we got married there were problems in the bedroom. I figured it was just busy schedules and timing as we both worked a lot and had kids from past relationships. The day we married she went to work that night (3rd shift). Then after it seemed everything prevented us from having sex. We hadn’t consummated our vows for almost 3 weeks. Sex was scarce to none.
We have been married 3 years and I am lucky to have sex once a month and even when we do have sex, it’s because she is tired of me trying and she lays there, on her side with little to no emotion. I do everything for my wife I can possibly do. I rub her back, I tell her how much she means to me every day multiple times, I help around the house, I basically worship her. My wife is very limited on emotions and doesn’t talk about anything. I beg and plead for conversation on the issues but all I get is, “it’s not you it’s me”. I begged her to get help if she thinks it’s her but she refuses.
I am to the point that I feel I have exhausted all my efforts and ready to throw in the towel. Problem I am struggling with right now is the fact, I love her dearly and intimacy and socializing is the only problem. We get along great and have a very good relationship. I hate to give up a great thing because of sex but I am so frustrated and depressed it hurts my body and soul. I get so upset it throws me in anxiety attacks.
To top everything off, I recently found out I may have renal cancer. Finding out this news really gave me another perspective on life. I want to be happy, especially since I have a lot of life changes soon. I really don’t know if I should give up and move on, stay miserable and deal with it, or keep trying to get her to get help?
You should talk about men that are so rough having sex, only looking for their satisfaction. Also men that are or were addicted to porno, that makes women think that they are thinking about the porn stars and unreal sex. ACTORS. That’s not love between a couple showing affection. It’s twisted people that found a way to make money. If you as a woman have common sense, we need more than visual stimulation to have sex. That’s why having sex, and making Love are two different things. We are not a piece of meat, we are humans with feelings.
Thank you for your advice and giving me a better understanding of handling the problem. I used to have a fantastic intimate life with my husband. We are married for 47 years and it is only recently that my drive for being intimate has changed. I take it must be due to the hormonal changes in my body. I love my husband dearly but lately I am denying him because it as if I can’t stand the touching any longer.
I will be doing some of the recommended reading. I know I should feel proud and happy that he still wants to be intimate with me. This is the very first time in my marriage that I am actually seeking help. My husband is 10 years older than what I am so he cannot understand why my intimacy levels has deteriorated.
May, it could very well be hormonal. Please see a doctor and tell him what you have said here and have him check your hormonal levels to see if it is originating because of the chemicals in your body being out of balance. That is a good way to start seeking help. I’m so glad you are seeking help because many women (and men too) just let it go, dismissing their spouse’s need for this type of intimacy. You are going in a good direction. Keep seeking. I pray you will find the help you need.
I don’t know how to say this in a constructive way but I’ll try. How about next time YOU write an article, you maybe, I don’t know, WRITE the article. Over half of this was just links to what other people wrote while the other half was other people being quoted. Obviously that might be a bit of an exaggeration but not by much. This was honestly a complete waste of my time and I won’t use this site again. I will actually likely tell people to avoid it. You might want to be a bit more selective on your “articles”. There, some constructive criticism.
Dear Disappointed, I appreciate the fact that you give “constructive criticism” but make sure the criticism matches the situation. I do write many of the articles posted on this web site. But this isn’t about “the Steve and Cindy Wright show” –it’s about focusing on giving others “the best of” info that helps spouses to “reveal and reflect the heart of Christ within marriage.” Our goal is to help others, not just focus on giving my opinion. Sometimes we (my husband and I) personally write the articles, and other times we point the reader to other articles, which we have found to be helpful on the issues at hand. We aren’t all-knowing. There are many great “experts” and marriage educators out there that can many times give a clearer insight than we can. If we see a great article on a certain marital matter we want to point it out to others to read, as well.
At the beginning of the article I stated that I’m approaching it differently than other articles. I’m upfront about it. I’m not hiding anything. I state: “I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.” For that reason I found a variety of articles on this issue that do a very good job on writing about it. Some are written by men, and others are written by women. This gives the reader the opportunity to gain understanding from many vantage points. I just kind of glue it together and point the reader to these well written articles and blogs.
It’s such a tough, tough issue, I thought this would be the best approach. I’m sorry if you didn’t see it that way.
First of all, I come from a Christian home with values such as sex is for married couples. I waited until that day, serving God, which helped me control my sexual desires. I have been married for 3 years, and I feel that my wife is quitting too soon. I have not touched her in months. When we were active in bed I was the one who normally initiated the romance. When doing it, she just lay in bed while I am doing all the work. I told her that I was expecting more interaction from her but she said she just loved it that way, and since I am the head of the household she is giving me the control. Sex is just plain and monotonous; She believes that sex is more for reproduction- I wish she had told that before we got married.
Recently I spent almost a month trying to convince her to have sex. I was desiring so badly, and she made every excuse in the world. Also, I really dislike when she uses God’s word to make sex look like evil. During this time, my business partner (who is not Christian) had a party at his house. Knowing my situation (he said he sees it in my face) he brought two female friends who were willing to have sex that night.
When my friend asked me if I was willing to do it, I felt weak at the moment. This time I did not want sex, I was craving it so badly with all my heart, soul and body. It was like Satan caught me off guard and punched me directly where it hurts. While I was rejecting my business partner’s proposal, I even started praising God in mind asking him for strength. My business partner eventually gave up asking me. That night I returned home with the hope that I might have gotten some rewards for resisting to temptation. However, I got the same response from my wife that she was tired.
A few days ago, I started masturbating which I found it ridiculous for a married man,and my friend’s idea on cheating is still echoing in my head. To be honest, I don’t really know what to do. I don’t ask her any more, I just go home greet her with a kiss and remain silent. I have told a friend of my that if I happened to get divorced, I won’t get married again, and Christian women would be off the list.
Feeling … Please understand that we are not marriage/sex counselors, and I hope that when you came and left this post on our web site that you were SERIOUS about wanting to do not just the “right” thing but also the “God” thing. You are right; you should have known about your wife’s views on sex before you got married. That’s why Cindy and I shout from the rooftops to anyone who will listen: BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED GO THROUGH PRE-MARRIAGE COUNSELING!!! ASK THE HARD QUESTIONS (about views on sex, finances, children, communication, spiritual values, etc.) YOU CAN AVOID A LOT OF PAIN IN THE FUTURE! Sometimes these types of things aren’t talked about truthfully (partly because those involved often don’t know they will change their views, but many times there are clues that are said that would help the other partner to know that things may change).
I want to address three separate issues: 1) The fact you “feel” like cheating; 2) Your wife’s complete lack of understanding your God-given NEED for sex; and 3) The fact you are unequally yoked in business and friendships.
1) There’s no doubt you had a great spiritual foundation planted in you before you got married. I believe that’s what kept you from succumbing to the temptation your business partner (I will not call him a “friend”) tried to foist off onto you that night. Understand something, he was (and is) Satan’s emissary to try and get you to fall, reject your vows and give into the lure of illicit sex. I can promise you that after that one moment of exhilaration would come a lifetime of regret. Just go into the section of our web site about affairs and read some of the testimonies of men (and women) who broke their vows and now have to deal with the living hell of their decision. As I read your email, I was reminded of something one marriage expert (Diane Sollee) once said, “What we really need is a time machine so that people entering into an affair could flash forward and see themselves, their kids, and their lives at the other end of their lust.” It’s painful to see the destruction –something the spouse entering the affair is completely blind to.
You may not understand it right now, but God protected you that night from having to live through that hell – right now. But He may not be so quick next time the temptation arises to get you out of it. You need to draw a line NOW as to staying away from parties and situations that could give temptation a foothold. If you don’t you will regret it the rest of your life and so will your family. It will forever change who they are. Please continue to protect them.
Feeling, you need to find some godly men who hold marriage to the highest standard and start studying God’s word with them on a regular basis. I’m guessing you don’t spend a lot of time right now with God – either alone or with others. Let me ask you, do you and your wife spend time together doing spiritual things; like worship together, read the Bible together, pray together? Now, even if you are doing all these things that doesn’t mean the temptation to have sex outside of marriage will go away. But it will strengthen your resolve to not cheat!
I strongly suggest that rather than put pressure on your wife for sex (right now) that you work on building your spiritual life together. Be the leader in your home this way. One of the best ways we know of to do this is for the two of you to read the book, Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?
and start talking about what you learn through it.
Follow that one with the book Sacred Sex by Tim Allen Gardner. That one will show both of you God’s plan for sex in marriage. That leads me to:
2) Your wife’s total lack of understanding your needs and unwillingness to meet them stems from poor training growing up and/or possibly because of some past sexual trauma as a child that has left her scarred. (I’m not saying she has had this, but statistically one out of every four women has had something happen.) This is something I know about because when Cindy and I got married 45 years ago I never knew she was abused as a child/teen; and I paid for it because she was very cold towards me sexually for the first few years of our marriage. Fortunately, she eventually confided in me and got the help she needed to put it behind her and heal our sexual relationship.
Cindy recommends your wife read the book Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex to get a handle on how important God views this area of marriage. She also said if your wife wants to come to our web site and go into the “Sexual Issues” section she can start to learn a lot about what is bothering her about your sexual relationship and she can post comments and questions (anonymously) just like you did … And she will answer her.
Think of us as kind of marriage mentors to help the both of you over this rough patch, which is very normal for newlyweds, like yourselves. The important thing is you can’t ignore it and hope it will get better.
And the other VERY IMPORTANT THING, Feeling, is under no circumstances have children before this whole issue is resolved; because if you think you “ain’t gettin’ any now,” once she has children, she will most likely shut down 100%. We see this over and over again. Resolve these problems NOW before marriage, rather than bring children into dysfunctionality. NOW is the time to work on issues. It’s MUCH easier to do so now, than it is once the busyness of children takes up more of your time.
3) Lastly, I have to address what I call you being unequally yoked in your business. Most Christians think when the Bible talks about this subject it means only in marriage. Wrong! God means it in all of our important relationships. In all the years (more than 20) that Cindy and I have been doing marriage ministry together I have NEVER heard of one good outcome of a man who has a non-Christian business partner NOT negatively affecting the life and marriage of his Christian business partner. You may think that you will influence him… and maybe so, to a bit. But more often than not, it’s the other way around. That is why God warns us not to be unequally yoked. This includes business dealings.
I think you “know” that the fact he held a party and intentionally tried to set you up shows that he does NOT have your best interests at heart. God may have used this incident to not only bring your marital sexual issues to the forefront but to also let this serve as a warning to you. You need some good godly counsel on this business relationship and how best to extract yourself from it before something much BIGGER brings you down.
Whatever you do, make sure you talk to your business partner and draw a line with him on your personal life with your wife and family. Tell him that he is to never, ever put you in that place again. You do not want to live your life by his standards. ALL marriages have ups and downs. You do not want him pulling you to a worse place when you are trying to get to a better place. Your sexual life with your wife is NOT his business. Be firm, steadfast and immovable about this. If you don’t… you are walking on a dangerous path that will leave you to live the rest of your life surrounded by regrets. That is a horrible place to live. There are no “do-overs” given to us. Grace, forgiveness from God, yes, but we still will have to live with our regrets.
I know I have given you a lot to prayerfully consider, Feeling, and I know you can totally reject it. But I felt I had to invest my time in your marriage and business relationship because God brought you to our web site. What you do with this information is between you and God. My prayer is that the seeds God planted in your heart a long time ago will now start to grow and you will be the godly man/husband He intends you to be.
I wonder how many times this situation happens.
Couple gets married.
They start exploring their sexual relationship.
Wife is finding quiet love making rather enjoyable. She loves giving control to her husband and feels totally cherished and loved by his tenderness. She loves ABC sex and dreams about how beautiful XYZ sex will be in 20 years.
The husband doesn’t take advantage of the fact that his wife is enjoying the sex they are having. He thinks what she likes is monotonous, too much work for him, and he “expects” more interaction from her and wants her to initiate more. He isn’t nurturing the ABC sex she is cherishing. He wants XYZ sex right now. What he is doing is sending her the message that he doesn’t care what brings her pleasure. He is actually criticizing her blossoming sexuality. He is sending her the message that her sexuality isn’t good enough for him.
I wonder how many weeks, months, or years it took, of having her sexual self being devalued and criticized, before she came to the conclusion that having sex just for reproduction sounded like a pretty good idea?
Thank you so much for replying. Actually I did not came to the page to with idea to get my problems solved. I just wanted to let it out and share with people who has Christ as the center of their life. Also I wanted to share it because I have never been in very difficult and uncomfortable position, and in distress when I was offered to sleep with someone else. For a moment, I felt that it was alright since I was not getting it at home.
And yes my wife and I actually talked about many things before we got married, from sex, goals, kids, and many other stuff; I was not expecting, however, she would change her view on sex after a couple of years marriage. I don’t try to pressure her to have sex, but I also need to convey my needs just as she has the needs of love, protection, and security. Also, sometimes I feel that part of this is our teaching at church where they see and counsel sex as lust.
Thank you for the advice on resolving this matter before having kids. I was thinking the same things, but I feel I needed a confirmation.
In Reply to Kirsty:
I never criticized her way of doing sex in front of her. That’s the reason I am expressing myself here; it’s because maybe I am wrong, maybe I am demanding too much, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I have no reason to lie and make myself look like the super husband whose wife is the villain. She is a wonderful caring person, but if you read my first post you will see that sex went from being monotonous to no sex at all, intimacy is fading away in our relationship. We have gone from husband and wife to simply roommates. That’s the way I see it.
I said monotonous because, whenever I asked her to touch me and caress me, she does not do it and even finds my private parts gross, and I am clean person. I don’t approach her unless I take a shower. And because of her refusal to caress or touch me, I stopped asking her to caress me, and it became a routine of me initiating it all the time. The last couple of time we made love, her words were that she was doing just to satisfy my needs which I concluded she was not enjoying it, and she was being forced to do it. Again, maybe I am wrong here.
Also, the control you mentioned is not the control I experienced. Making love requires a lot energy, concentration, and interaction; it is hard to lift or move a person who is not willing to try something different, and the same position is tiring. Before our intimacy became uninteresting, I did all types of things which she used to enjoy: from full-body massage, a lot of kissing, caressing, and whispering before doing anything else. I still have the ideas the sex is an art, a God-given gift to both men and women.
She “finds my private parts gross” That sounds pretty normal to me. They do take some getting used to. “The last couple of times we made love, her words were she was doing it just to satisfy my needs, which I concluded she was not enjoying.” Don’t jump to that conclusion but do take that as a starting point for a positive future.
Please read (both of you) “Perfectly Normal” by the sex therapist Sandra Pertot, PhD. What people assume is ‘good sex’ might not work for everybody. Sounds like you have a very sensitive wife who needs to figure herself out. She can’t do it without your assistance. My blessings.
What is wrong with everyone? I’m 61 and my bride of 39 years is about to turn 61. Women and us men don’t have a clue. We presented ourselves with giving ourselves to the other the day we exchanged wedding vows. But somehow they change into accommodating the needs of the other.
Yes men and women are different. Sex is good, but making love is best. I can no longer face rejection and she is fine not engaging. Once in a while she feels guilty and offers because “I need it” and that almost never works. What I need is to know that she wants me. You can’t present a full picture on a blog, so your life is what the two of you have made it. To change it is difficult. The sex is not nearly as important as your love! If you both want change then you have a good chance. Until then love your partner and cherish what time you have together.
In your arrival you mention “untreatable physical issues” or something of that nature. Uh, ya! So, if your spouse gets defensive & or just flat out refuses to talk about the subject with you, or really anybody else, especially “professionals” because of stubbornness & a bad experience with them in the past, what do you suggest? There is a 10 y/o boy, 18 years together, 16 years married (to each other), high stress jobs, afore mentioned physical problem, massive diffuse rheumatic arthritis with “tendonitis” following a near death illness, and it’s been 47 months. Ya, I’m counting. I know there is a ton of more questions you would like an answer to before responding, so ask & I’ll tell you if I can, I’m not that proud! LOL.
Allen, so sorry for the issues you are struggling with in your marriage. We are not a counseling web site and from the little you wrote it’s pretty clear you need to get some really good counsel in order to work the myriad of issues out in a healthy way. We recommend you call Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask to speak with one of their counselors. They offer one free phone counseling session and then make recommendations of some counselors in your area that they have vetted to use as follow-up. We wish we could do more to help you but we are not equipped to be able to do so.
Completely disappointing article!!