When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.

So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:

FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex

10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

— ADDITIONALLY —

Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:

I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:

THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO

These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.

Past Abuse Nightmares

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.

I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.

But whatever it is, please work on it.

They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.

Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful.

That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

A Time for Everything

Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).

Work on your issues.

If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.

The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.

Helpful Resources:

There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner has given me insights. Also  the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as better understanding the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s important —especially to the spouse who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially women) realize.

God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

But what if you don’t feel like it?

If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!

Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:

How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.

In closing:

Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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678 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. Hello my name is Chris. My wife and I are approaching our 1 year wedding anniversary next month. We have been together 4 years this month. We have a child together and she’s 3. My wife also has a 12 years old daughter. Here’s the thing, I am 43 and she is 29. When we first dated she was a very lovely and wonderful person. This is her 1st marriage. My 3rd. Very recently she found out about my past which occurred over 8 years ago. She was shocked about my charges. All 3 charges were misdemeanors. No drug offense. All this has caused her to fall out of love with me. We haven’t had sex for a month now.

    Prior to her digging up my past we were having regular sex on a weekly basis. I asked her why she had to dig up my past. She basically said “You gave me reasons.” I couldn’t fathom this because I have never harmed her the whole 4 years. I am the provider and I love my wife to death. I am fiercly loyal to her.

    Last year I caught her having a 8 month affair with a guy who was 45 years old. When I confronted her about the affair she wouldn’t tell me why she did it. So every time I wanted or needed to talk to her about our martial problems face to face she always avoids them. Doesn’t want to discuss. Always gives me attitude as if she doesnt care about what I have to share.

    My question is, is she being immature about her actions? Because last weekend she told me she was going ‘out’ and wouldn’t return home til midnight. She came at 12:15am. That night our 3 years old daughter was sick and had been pooping every 10 minutes the entire night. I am beginning to lose my trust in my wife. She says she loves me but isn’t in love with me. We have a very nice huge home to raise our daughters. Is she wrong for acting this way? I have been the one keeping our famiy together. I also told her that my past should not be part of this process because she wasn’t there to begin with. I took full responsibility for my actions and have been straight for 8 years now. I feel like I don’t get any credit for working so hard to accomplish all the goals in life. I feel like she looks at me as a criminal not as a loving husband. What should I do? Please help us out. Thank you.

    1. Chris, from how you describe this situation you have a much bigger problem than your wife’s “immaturity” in how she is acting. That is only a symptom of something much larger going on in the background. Both of you have practiced deception; you by not revealing your past prior to your marriage, she through her unfaithfulness. You entered into the marriage on shaky ground. You have no firm foundation upon which to build your relationship. The only hope you have is that you find a marriage friendly counselor who can help you get all the crud out on the table and then deal with it. Next, start to rebuild your relationship on honesty and common goals. This will require a lot of hard work by both of you.

      We have a lot of articles in the SAVE MY MARRIAGE section of our web site that can give you a lot of helpful suggestions on how to go about “saving your marriage.” But if you’re looking for a magic bullet you won’t find it. You didn’t mention anything about faith in your post but Cindy and I can tell you from personal experience the best way to discover healing and restoration in your marriage is to start by both of you surrendering your lives to Christ. If your marriage is truly anchored in God, through Jesus Christ, that is the unshakable foundation upon which you can make your relationship soar beyond what you could ever imagine.

      If you would like to discover a new way of looking at everything in marriage, then there are two books we recommend you read. The first is Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

      The second is Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

      Because this is your third marriage, Chris, you have seen all of the wrong ways to “do” marriage. Now, you have the opportunity to turn things around and learn to do things the right way. I hope this helps. ~Steve Wright

  2. I wrote this letter below to my wife. I haven’t sent it to her yet. I’m not sure how she will take it…

    I have been thinking a lot about us, and how I approach initiating sex in our relationship. My internal desires and frustrations are difficult to express and understand what exactly I feel is going on. I hope my thoughts below show how much I care for you and want our marriage to grow stronger and more secure.

    I love you and care for you so much that I am not going to ask you if you will have sex with me anymore. I know you like having sex, but it’s obvious my sex drive is much higher than yours :). I never want you to feel sex is a chore or a wifely duty you have to fulfill just because I’m a man and that’s what I need. Honestly, if release was all I needed, I could do that on my own. I don’t just want release, but I long for physical intimacy with YOU, my Awesome Wife!

    I absolutely love spending time having sex with you, but when I bring it up it’s obvious by your body language and verbal responses sex isn’t something you crave, or need, or want to do often (and I get it). My relentless playful advances and sexual intensity probably have much to do with turning you off. The last thing I want is to be on the same level as an annoying child who can’t stop asking for something they want (we both understand how terrible that is). I never want you to feel resentful or pressured in any way with my advances. I want sex to be something fun that we both look forward to, and not a one sided marital obligation.

    Unfortunately (or fortunately) my emotions are very closely tied to sex, and every time you say “no/not tonight” what I hear is “you (sex) are not really important enough to make time for” and I know you would rather be relaxing, sleeping, reading a book, watching TV, fill in the blank. Let’s face it, sex takes time and energy, and I understand how it has become less of a priority when our days are filled with endless tasks and distractions.

    I know you don’t mean “no” to be interpreted that way at all!!! I know you love me deeply as a husband, and father to our children. I see all of the stresses you have throughout your day and don’t want to add any more to your plate. You are an awesome wife who is intelligent and beautiful, inside and out! If I haven’t told you that enough or you don’t believe it then shame on me. You are a great mother with a sincere heart, and I know everything you do puts our family and childrens needs before yours on a daily basis.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t want to have sex with you! On the contrary! I want you to understand I will always be in the mood to have sex with you. I will never, ever turn you down or tell you no if you want to have sex with me. It’s one of my favorite things to do with you (as you probably have figured out after 14 years)! Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

    I feel people have always looked at this verse way too one sided where the woman needs to submit to her husband’s sexual needs, but people are missing a major part here. This verse is not one sided at all and says the exact same thing to both spouses, EQUALLY! Just because my desire may be more prevalent than yours does not diminish the fact that you should have an equal say with the outcome or timing of our sexual intimacy. I may have inadvertently been denying you the opportunity to play a significant role that has built up your resistance over the years.

    I am going to take the scripture to heart and devote more time to prayer. Calling on God to be present in multiple areas of our relationship can only bring us closer together. I am absolutely in love with you just as much today as ever, and I want you to know that. I know our marriage will grow stronger as a result, where we can fully engage in intimacy on multiple levels moving forward in unison. Your Loving Husband,

    1. Seth, not knowing your wife or all of the particulars relating to what led up to this letter, all I can say is that it sounds like you are being vulnerable and honest about your needs without being condemning or accusatory of your wife. As long as you keep your expectations low and allow the Holy Spirit to be the one to speak to your wife “between the lines” of your letter, I think you have much to gain and nothing to lose. Cindy and I wish more men in your situation took this approach with their wives. Let us know how things go. We’ll be praying. Blessings! ~Steve Wright

    2. Seth, these are the same exact words I want to say to my wife of 5 years. I love her dearly and would never go outside of our mariage to fulfill my wants, desire and needs of just loving onto her. Im 56 yrs old, my wife is 51 and she is a beautiful woman. I know she loves me and doesen’t believe in cheating. She has a lot on her plate and due to job, children, family and friends, myself; it is overwhelming trying to please everyone. So I understand what you are going through. Thank you for the script of Paul. God Bless to you and your wife.

    3. Seth, not trying to be negative but those are some of the things I said to my wife. She changed for a little while but went back to her selfishness ways. I do all I can to make her happy and all she does is take advantage of my kindness; so I tried being mean giving her little attention and making her think I get hit on by other women which helps for a little while but not long but I can say helps better then being nice and me being a chump.

  3. The problem is I never had sex with anyone before marriage. So I never thought sex is something I would not like. I’ve only found that out when my husband and I are already married…If I had only known, I would have just stayed single for the rest of my life. Now I do not know what to do…

  4. I think this is a great article and the supplemental things are great. I asked my wife to read it but I am not sure if she did.

    We have been married for 22 years and I have never seen her naked and even though we had sex when we first got married (no more than a couple of times a month) it has declined more and more over the years. Now we have not had sex in over a year and a half. I have always stayed faithful. But now it is getting more difficult every day not to go looking for someone else. I love my wife. I do not want to cheat or to leave her. I do not know what options that I have. Things cannot stay the way they are. She will not talk about it with me or counselors. I think there is more to it than just not wanting sex but I am not sure and cannot prove it. I even wonder if maybe she is cheating on me. Does anyone have any good advice?

    1. Lonely, I am so sorry for what you’re going through. Cindy and I know from our own experience the pain your are feeling because that’s where we were a number of years ago. A couple of years into our marriage Cindy shut almost completely down on me sexually and I had no idea why. This created a lot of tension and frustration on both our parts. Me, because I wasn’t “getting any” and for Cindy because she felt that I should just understand that she didn’t want sex. What I didn’t know when we got married was that she had been molested by family members as a teenager. She was able to squelch the pain for a while but it finally caught up with her and that’s when everything ground to a halt.

      Fortunately, God was working on her heart and helped her to see that she was being held prisoner by her pain, and thus so was I. The very short story is that between God and her counselor Cindy came out on the other side a whole and healed person. This was not an easy process. It was torturous for her at times. I learned to be patient and kind (long suffering) and gently walk this path with her. As a result – after several years – our sexual relationship was completely restored.

      Does this mean your wife was sexually abused when she was younger? Maybe not. But we know the leading cause of sexual failure in the marriage is because one or both spouses were sexually abused earlier in life. If your wife didn’t experience this (Praise God!) but she could also have had other very negative and/or hurtful experiences with men that left her scarred and cause her to shut down on you. You also can’t completely dismiss the possibility of her cheating, but I’d say unless there’s very compelling evidence then the likelihood is there is some very painful experience in her past that is the primary cause for her loss of sexual desire. One other thing I’d have you do is to suggest she get tested for a drop in hormones. Because you say it has declined more and more that could also be symptoms of menopause. (NOTE: I’m not a doctor or a counselor; I’m only offering you some ideas and suggestions to explore.)

      But no matter what the cause is, Lonely, you HAVE to stay committed to your marriage vows and the what God expects of us as husbands. Don’t allow yourself to even start down the road of thinking you can go outside the marriage. Life isn’t always “fair.” In fact sometimes it downright sucks! But that’s when we have to dig down deep inside and man-up and say, “I WILL love my wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” (Emphasis added)

      If you feel it would help for you to see a counselor, do so. Just make sure the counselor is one who doesn’t believe divorce would be a good option for you. It’s not! You didn’t say if you have kids but if you do just keep in mind they are watching you and your decisions will have ripple effects and an impact on them – even if they are grown. There is no such thing as a “good divorce.”

      Obviously, I don’t know where you are spiritually in your marriage bur I would like to suggest a book that will give you probably the best approach to marriage from a God perspective. It’s the book by Gary Thomas called Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

      This was a foundational book for me to see marriage in a whole new light. Optimally, it would be good for your wife to read it too.

      Lonely, I don’t know if anything I’ve said resonates or is helpful; I hope so. ~Steve Wright

  5. My wife of 15yrs will not have sex with me over the last two years. Its worse because she’s always making excuses. The last time was 8 weeks ago; it used to be every other day. Whats gone wrong?

  6. Hello, I think I posted here before about my wife lack of desire. My wife is the first woman I had sex with – she had sex previously. And we did it until we got married. We have been married for a couple of years already. During the first months, it was something incredible since it was new to me. After that, everything became monotonous. She does not caress me, and touch me. It is the same freaking missionary position all the time. She has said that I need to be ok with what she offers me. Sometimes I feel disgusting and unattractive. I have suggested her to read several books or articles on how important sex is for man, and she always gave me attitude. I have talked to other Christian adults for advice, and they always blame it on me that I am not being understanding.

    One day I started to talk to an old friend of mine who is single, and she told me the sex should not be that boring. After a couple of weeks talking with my friend, we ended up agreeing to have sex for one time only. I am aware that the adultery is a sin before the Lord. However, for the very first time, I felt loved, desired, and attractive. My manhood was raised.

    As for my wife, she is always tired, with headaches, no time nor desire. And that’s something I don’t get because she stays at home. I work almost 7 days a week to provide and pay for anything she wants. By the way, I work in construction which is a very demanding job.

    Sometimes I just feel to throw the divorce papers at her and continue with my life.

    1. You want to divorce your wife because your sex life is monotonous? I wonder how sex is for your wife?

      1. I still haven’t figure it out. She gets offended when we talk about sex. Also, I forgot to mentioned that I only have sex once every month and that’s when I am lucky. If you read very well my post, she is a house wife. Though house chores are equal, or more tiring than a regular jobs, that’s not a reason not to have sex with your spouse.

      2. It’s probably just fine for her; she’s the “gatekeeper” and controls the when/where/how, etc. She knows (oh yes- she knows) that if she can keep putting you off long enough you’ll eventually quit “bothering” her about it. And THAT, my friend, is what she wanted from day one.

        1. For the last couple of weeks I found myself begging her for sex. I have told her to read some of books or articles about how men see sex differently. I guess because she is all about controlling.

          1. Never EVER beg your wife for sex. If she hasn’t already lost all respect for you, she certainly will at that point. Seriously, don’t do it.

  7. My wife and I met Jan 1 2010 and married Feb 4 2011; in the last 6 and a half years of marriage we have made love 3 times… (made love may be an overstatement… she has told me just do it and just layed there and not responded).

    For the first year of our marriage we had a fantastic loving relationship, my wife was crazy about me and I her and we were pretty much inseparable… she would always be clinging to my arm wherever we were…We made love on a daily basis… sometimes more often (I know “Honeymoon Period”). We slept together naked and cuddled together every night.

    Then in April of 2012 we discovered my wife was pregnant with our son…from the moment we discovered the pregnancy, it was like a light switch had been turned off….Absolutely no affection, no holding hands, no cuddling, no “I love you” and no sex….at first I considered prenatal depression…. but this continued til after birth, so I figured Post natal depression….but here we are 64 months later and still no affection.

    As the months and years have past, I have on many occasions become quite frustrated and possibly even annoyed at this…. needless to say it does not help matters. For about a year we did not even sleep in the same bed as the temptation to touch her was too great and the constant refusals too frustrating.

    These days we basically just reside in the same house. We do not have conversations (she will not talk to me). I am unable to discuss the problems with her (she becomes quite irate and then gives me the silent treatment for the next three days). I do not even get a “goodnight” before she retires to bed…. and speaking of bed, she has also gone to bed fully dressed since this all started.

    She refuses to wear nighties (all she ever used to wear) but will instead wear track pants and t-shirt…or on the rare occasion just jump into bed in the clothes she was wearing on the day.

    I have not seen her naked for the past 5 years….she takes her clothes into the bathroom and changes in there…If I happen to come in she will get annoyed with me and keep herself covered. I love my wife as much today as I did when I married her…but this really is taking a toll on our marriage.

    We did try counseling with our church pastor for quite a few months but again this lead to no change in her attitude. I have done everything in my power to try and work the problem out but when your partner refuses to discuss anything with you it makes it impossible.

    I have realized in the past couple of years that because of this situation she has taken possession of the alpha role. She seems to be able to control every situation knowing that I am beyond arguing over this and now just go with the flow. Anything to avoid the silent treatment and sulking.

    I am not very good at writing my thoughts but I hope you get the gist of what I am trying to say. Regards.

  8. I am have been married 17 years for the second time. For the 10 years things were going great. But then I had a nervous breakdown from too much stress and an abusive boss. It has been a long hard road since then. I am still disabled and take my meds everyday, but I feel that I am little by little gaining back some of the things I used to be able to do before my breakdown.

    At first my wife took good care of me, but then, in addition to all my other paranoias I started to become afraid of my own wife. I ended up leaving for a couple of months and lived in LA, but she really scared me with taking over my back account, putting a GPS on my care and then picking it up my car and leaving me stranded in LA.

    While I finally felt I needed to come home and things were great for the next couple of years and she took good care of me. But ever since we went on a cruise in February of last year, things have not been the same. I don’t think it has anything to do with the cruise, it is that it was just about the same time things starting to change. All of a sudden she has all kinds of reasons why we could not have sex. A year and a half later thing have come to a head. Basically she does not have any physical desires for me anymore because of the way I acted during the time after my breakdown. She will not accept that I was not well. I am much better now but things seem to be getting worse.

    I will not divorce or separate but that does not mean she won’t try. I feel like I have a some good years in my life but for me now is not the time to start over again. In reality, I guess I am just going to wait until Lord calls me home.

  9. Thanks, I like your words. My wife always make excuses and denies me all the time for about 5 years now, which sometimes I have to force her (something like rape) and make love to her, which keeps me thinking all day. So I decided to take a girlfriend to satisfy me instead of forcing her for sex. The girl unfortunately is now pregnant and I don’t know what to do. My wife is a Christian. Is it wrong or sinful to God for a wife to satisfy or have sex with the husband? Won’t God listen to her prayer if she doesn’t allow the husband?

    1. Isaac, I’m going to begin by answering your last questions about “is it wrong or sinful for a wife to ‘not’ have sex with her husband?” And “Won’t God listen to her prayer if she doesn’t allow the husband?” The simple answer is “yes” we believe that because the Bible says that it is wrong for a wife (or husband) to deny their spouse sex, then it is sin. But we also believe the blood of Christ covers all of our sins…all of the time…once we ask Him to come into our lives. Therefore, God still hears her prayers. By denying you sex she isn’t fulfilling her full role as your wife and God needs to deal with that in her life. I can promise you that by forcing (something like rape) on your wife you have only made it harder for her to think of you as a lover. It sounds like you have pretty much put your needs ahead of hers for the five years.

      However, it seems more like you want to push the blame off on your wife the for the sin in your life. There is no way to sugarcoat what you did, Isaac. You left your marriage bed, sought out an adulteress to satisfy YOUR needs rather than try to find a solution to the problem in your marriage relationship with your wife. This was completely a selfish act. And now your wife has every legal and Biblical right to divorce you. And now there is going to be a completely innocent child brought into this mess you have created.

      You’re only hope to save your marriage and try to make things right with your wife, and possibly this child, is for you confess your sin to God (you didn’t say in your post that you are a Christ follower, but this is the place to begin). Then, you will need to humble yourself before your wife to ask her forgiveness. If she is agreeable then you will have a very long road of counseling and working to repair the damage you have done. But trust, me Isaac, it will take years before she could ever possibly trust you again. What you have done is the greatest pain a wife can ever be asked to endure. It will take a miracle for your marriage to be saved.

      If you are serious about doing the “right thing” now, you can start reading articles in the SAVE MY MARRIAGE section and also FOR MARRIED MEN section that can help you see what it means to be a Christian husband and meet the needs of your wife. Then if you need help in knowing how to start a relationship with Jesus, on the sidebar of our web site is a button “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope – Find it Now,” just click on that and you’ll find the answers you need for that.

      Oh, and one more thing, if you are serious about repairing your marriage you need to end it with the woman you impregnated NOW. Your decision to commit adultery to meet your need has now affected four people’s lives forever – yours, your wife, the other woman and your child. I pray you will man-up, Isaac and take responsibility for your actions and seek God’s forgiveness and grace to help you through this.

  10. I don’t say no to my husband, but I hate it when he touches me and he does not satisfy me sexually.

    1. I’ve been there and after talking to other women I realized that it’s way normal then I thought. Don’t beat yourself up but do get counseling or talk to someone that’s been in the same predicament. When they say marriage takes a lot of work…well it certainly does as I can vouch for that. How long have you been married?

    2. Then you really ARE saying no; your body is anyway, regardless of what your mouth says.

      Believe me, your husband can tell that you don’t like it. He’s not stupid, you know.

  11. Eh, sex is not a need it’s a want. You do not need sex to survive like you need food and shelter. If men need sexal release they have two hands and they should use them. I think our society made sex seem like something that needs to be a part of peoples lives, but really it doesn’t.

  12. Sex is more of a curse than a gift. Just wish the darn thing would go away. 1 time this year, 3 or 4 last year, maybe 6x in 2015, about the same number in 2014; you get the picture.

    I would sometimes have to go to work late, after everyone was sleeping. Before I would leave, I would give her a back massage. A really good one. No matter how much you do, it does not or did not help. She was kinda surprised that I did not find another woman on the side to take care of my needs.

    This garbage that women get turned on when men do cleaning/cooking/chores around the house is complete and utter rubbish. I took over cleaning the bathroom, (tub, sink toilet) because my wife should not have to do that yucky job. Did it translate into more affection? No way. She has it good, makes the kids breakfast and supper. I make my own breakfasts and lunches. I try my best and to no avail. But I am not going to cheat on her, as I made a promise. If she comes around, forget it. Once a month or year doesn’t cut it. Rather be celibate.

    1. Dear John, Looks like you wrote my thoughts and situation. My wife is a full-time housewife and I still do close to 40 percent of the housework. Bathtub scrubbing, etc., you name it. I fix my breakfast too and don’t get lunch packed for work. Sometimes I come back from work and there is no dinner- my wife was busy watching sermons on YouTube. Initiating intimacy is always from me. I’m getting tired and seriously considering finding other woman to satisfy my sexual needs. I’m in my early 40s and want to enjoy this gift of sex from God.

      I can go on and on, but the bottom line is that I’m really fed up. I’ve talked and talked and pleaded but with no success. I think the feminisim spirit has creeped up into many Christian marriages and destroying what God has given us to enjoy. Sad.

  13. …And no matter what you do as a man, you are wrong. When your wife gets into the Watchtower they involve themselves in the bedroom. Put flowers on the table and she sees that as a stamp of approval for the no conversation, forever going out to church business, separate bedrooms and a permanent downer on the car the house and herself.

  14. My wife and I have been married for 12 years and we have 3 young children. She told me this week that she has no passion for me and thinks of me as a father figure. I am 14 years older than my wife and we married when she was only 18 and I was 32. I have always loved her. She has told me that once she got pregnant and her infatuation went away she has not romantically loved me. She wants to be free and says that after 12 years of trying to love me she sees no hope. I treat her as a man who loves and adores his wife. My kids are 11, 10 and 7. Divorce is not an option in my mind even if it means a sexless marriage. Is there any advice or similar stories that can help me?

    1. Doug, I have been sitting here praying for your situation. When your wife says things like “she has no passion for me and thinks of me as a father figure” and “she has not romantically loved me” and “after 12 years of trying to love me she sees no hope”, it can be more than a bit disheartening and it will be easy for you to slip into a place of feeling like everything is out of your control or influence. Try not to go there in your heart and mind, Doug, because it will tend to immobilize you and that will make things worse. What she is desiring deep down inside may well be completely different from what her words are saying.

      If I can give you any suggestions, based upon my personal experience, it would be this: Your wife is sending you a strong message that she feels disconnected from you in your marriage relationship. And she is watching you to see how you will react to her message. Try to step into the void that she’s feeling in a totally loving and unselfish way, seeking nothing for yourself. Learn her “love language(s)” (gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and/or physical touch) and “speak” to her in that way often. Be close to her physically, through hugs, kisses, and cuddling in unexpected and teasing ways.

      Be a bit unpredictable in your relationship and surprise her in fun little ways. Don’t push yourself on her sexually, but just be close and cuddle and caress with the desire to learn how to be a better lover to her. When she says that “she wants to be free”, that message is telling you that she is desiring more, and it may be that she is desiring more sexually, also.

      Doug, be on a mission to lovingly and gently and persistently learn more about what your wife is craving, and as you discover more, serve her in those areas. I assume that since you are searching on this ministry website, you and her might both be Christians. In addition to Marriage Missions, there are many great resources out there to help you restore your marriage. And, be praying consistently. We’ll be praying for you and your wife also. May you be blessed in some fun and unexpected way today!

    2. Doug, In addition to the great ideas M gave you to work on, if you go into the “Save My marriage” topic on our web site you can find a lot of helpful articles as well as recommended Links and Resources you can employ in your efforts to win the heart of your wife back.

      The other thing I will add is she needs to understand that IF she were to divorce you it will forever change your kids – and not for the good. Have her read this article: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/should-i-get-a-divorce/how-could-divorce-affect-my-kids.

      Cindy and I often say, “If we can stop one child from having to cry itself to sleep every night because of divorce, then Marriage Missions will have accomplished its mission.” We’ll be praying for you, Doug, for the wisdom you need at this point in your life. ~Steve Wright

  15. I wish this article addressed what women should do when their male partner does not want to have sexual relations with them. I am way more sexually energized by my husband; however, he was the opposite when we got married. I tried to brainstorm why he doesn’t want me. We have a pretty good relationship but yet we only have sex once a month if I’m lucky. I know I’m attractive. I know there’s no one else.

    Many times he will refuse me and get angry if I bring up the fact that we never have sex. The last straw was when I saw him masturbating although he denied it. Well there could be a million reasons why he is not into sex anymore it doesn’t take away the feeling of rejection. I’d be willing to bet there are a lot of other women out there that are in the same boat.

    1. Rejected, Since you saw your husband masturbating, you know that he hasn’t lost his sex drive. That’s a positive sign, but it leaves you with the question of why he isn’t wanting to have sex with you. As weird as it might sound to you, he may possibly be fearful for some reason. Or he might be frustrated. A few possible reasons might be: 1) He is having erectile dysfunction issues and he is ashamed to tell you, 2) He doesn’t experience an orgasm when you do have sex, leaving him frustrated, 3) He is addicted to porn, 4) He is distracted with other concerns in his life, or 5) He doesn’t feel that he is meeting your expectations. And it could even be a combination of reasons.

      My suggestions would be: 1) Ask him if he would be willing to set a specific day & time each week when the two of you can be intimate together. If he says “yes”, this will remove much of the pressure in your relationship over sex. 2) If he says “no”, then just try being physically close to him from time to time, cuddling up to him, with no sexual expectations. Don’t ask him first, just be close to him. He will possibly relax over time and want to be more intimate.
      I’ll be praying that the Lord brings a renewed physical intimacy to your marriage relationship.

      1. I want you to know that I am feeling that same horrible longing with my frustrated wife and I literally just said a prayer for you and your lacking intimacy with your husband. I pray that you will discover that “magic skeleton key” that will reconnect you and your man on a blissful, nirvana state of intimacy. Every married person deserves and longs for this. You deserve it too. God be with you.

      2. Honestly, from a man’s perspective having a healthy libido, if we’re in love with you and even halfway attracted to you we want to be on you and under your clothes 24/7. So, no b.s. or games. I tend to endorse the previously stated possibility that it’s his own insecure deal and not your hang up. But, you know what we love most when we’re hung up like that?? Our woman showing that she loves us so much that she’s willing to travel outside her normal intimate boundaries and do something, all respect, kinky, daring, exciting. It’s not for everyone. I wasn’t trying to be inappropriate, just speaking frankly because I want you to succeed.

        Proposition him in a not so appropriate place, sporadically. When he says, where did that come from, smile with a little static breathing thrown in, and say, “I just looked over at you and suddenly I had to have you now. No control.” Again, kinda weird maybe, but I am a man telling you what can be a game changer. Good luck.

        1. Lastly, I am aware that this is a Christian Marriage website. I meant no disrespect or vile intention. I just want folks to stay in love and work hard to value marriage.

          1. Hey Ben, This is no problem, as long as the sexual advances are between a consenting husband and wife. Being daring, and exciting is great as long as it doesn’t involve anyone else (virtually or in person). It’s a private matter between the two of them. A husband and wife should have the best sex life ever (if that is what they both want) because it’s something that God condones. Sex outside of marriage is another thing all together… it is not given God’s blessing.