When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.

So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:

FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex

10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

— ADDITIONALLY —

Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:

I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:

THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO

These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.

Past Abuse Nightmares

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.

I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.

But whatever it is, please work on it.

They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.

Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful.

That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

A Time for Everything

Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).

Work on your issues.

If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.

The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.

Helpful Resources:

There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner has given me insights. Also  the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as better understanding the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s important —especially to the spouse who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially women) realize.

God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

But what if you don’t feel like it?

If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!

Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:

How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.

In closing:

Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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678 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. I came to this site accidentally because am staying late all by myself doing pretend things just to pass some time. I build music tracks sometimes and sometimes I read novels that can take my concentration far away. I slept alone; my wife had an excuse of sleeping with kids – older girl 8 yrs and smaller boy 6 years. Sometimes when I complain too much she came and gave me what I wanted but wow! So fast! then without any conversation went to sleep again. Days go by and I start to feel tired and forgot sex and make myself useful by those tricks I told above. I’ll be honest, I thought I’ll get myself a mistress or a divorce or a sex robot from shopping mall and yes I am not lying. I am amazed when my wife wakes up in the morning she was so nice but by evening most of the time I keep waiting but no movement and I just know that is I need a movie so this is my problem. And right now I smoke more when am depressed and yes I am non alcoholic because I am a catholic man 29 yrs old. We’ve been married 8 years and I still have lot of other issues with my marriage but what to say? I have never got to hug her, touch her hand, or kiss her since my smaller went to school and also about affection she said she’s ashamed if someone outside sees us doing that and I’m like, ok fine lets not touch and sit more distant and that how my life goes. Still I can’t divorce. I love my kids. They are beautiful and handsome and yes they influence people more than I do so I can’t lose that but I am suffering too much when night comes, please help!

  2. Hi. As Christians we need to realise that the true enemy is the devil and his evil spirits, not each other as spouses. Is it not funny why when outside marriage, fornicating the sex is plentiful but once in marriage it tapers off. The devil is at work. A lot of people do not acknowldge this but there are anti-marrige spirits which work to divide marriages, as well as spiritual husbands and spiritual wives. Some men will confirm this. Before things took a turn for the worse, if you closely look at your dreams, you had dreams of having sexual intercourse with a woman, but that woman seemed to power you into sex. If you talk to your wife bout this they can confirm also that a man may have spiritual intercourse with them. This is one of the many signs that your marriage is controlled by anti marriage spirits or spiritual spouses.

    Unfortunately, many may dismiss this as sexual fantasies etc, but trust me, if you really want to save your marriage, take heed of this. The blood of Jesus is the only thing that can break the bondages of the devil. I advise men to pray together with their wives declaring the blood of Jesus over their marriages. If you know any living ministry which does deliverence go and seek spiritual freedom from these evil spirits.

    I have come across real life cases where the husband just felt too tired to have sex even though he spent the whole day at home doing nothing. Same also for the wives. A family that prays together stays together. As Christians we need to wake up and take control of our lives. The blood of Jesus will always triumph. I am from Africa by the way. If anyone wants more info on this, let me know.

    1. So it’s the Devils fault my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me? So then it’s God’s will if she has sex with me all the time?

      1. It is too simplistic to say that “It’s the devil’s fault.” It is more realistic to acknowledge that the devil IS at work to make life miserable- “to steal, kill and destroy,” (1 Peter 5:8), but on the other hand, to remember that, for believers, all things are possible (Mark 14:36), and that Is it God’s will that we “have life more abundantly” (Ephesians 3:20). Of course this means an exciting sex life- God invented sex, not we….

        That all sounds great, but, as Mercedes is asking, How do we (in other words) get there? Qmon sounds a little sarcastic here, I’m sure you would be surprised if the answer to your question would be “yes.” On the other hand, we all know deep down that it is NOT God’s will that married couples NEVER have sex. Here we have the two extremes- neither of which is sustainable.

        It is God’s will that you two together enjoy sex as an expression of your love and care for one another. This means that both husband and wife operate from the standpoint of “giving to the other.” This means that sometimes the man says, “OK” when the wife prefers to go to sleep… without making the wife feel like he is being a martyr, and she is the “bad guy.” It also means that the wife should be prepared to say with conviction, “How about tomorrow night instead?” and then making sure she comes through… and may I add, “in innovative ways?” It means that both “give and take” so that the wife doesn’t feel used, and the husband doesn’t feel neglected. Of course we should reverse the genders in the above scenario in the situation where the husband tends to refuse and the wife is more often the initiator.

        Come on people!! Let’s stop making sex the battleground… and just meet each other in the middle!!

        The following websites say this far better than I can:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc
        http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w

        Hope these ideas are of help…..
        WP (Work in Progress)

        1. One of my favorite lines from any movie comes from a 1990s film titled The Devil’s Advocate. Al Pacino, playing Satan, states near the end that, “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.” When people fail to realize that Satan is at work in our lives, he is able to exponentially increase his effectiveness. People don’t battle a foe that they fail to recognize! It’s a brilliant strategy to fool people into dismissing the concept of Satan and Hell.

          The nature of God, Satan, and the earthly realm is complex, to say the least. God promises to provide what we need, not what we want.

          But this acknowledgement doesn’t independently solve the problem. Reading the Bible and praying sets a good foundation, but is also not independently prescriptive to a solution. That is akin to faith healing. Rather, I believe God expects us to work and work hard to serve one another. Bible and prayer are the building blocks we use to ensure our hard work is well founded and fruitful. Bible and prayer are not surrogates for doing the actual work, though.

          The same is true of marriage. At some point, both spouses need to roll up their sleeves and engage in behaviors that might not otherwise come naturally to them. Husbands will have to look for ways to be consciously romantic, e.g. Wives may have to consciously engage in affectionate behavior. And, so on.

          Love and marriage is about service and isn’t necessarily driven by fluffy emotions all the time. I don’t like doing the dishes. I do them, though. I do them because I love my wife and want to serve her. However, my love of my wife doesn’t necessarily make me love doing the dishes. I do like serving my wife, though.

  3. If a woman isn’t wanting sex she may be pregnant, sick, suffering from depression and the medication for depression lowers libido. Unfortunately, everyone goes through dry spells and if the spouse loves the other spouse then they can come to an agreement. Communication is key. However, if a spouse is ok with having sex with his or her other spouse while they are not into it… there is something wrong. If you are 9 months pregnant and or 1 month pregnant, if you are going through chemo. IF your close family member passed away. There are many reasons a spouse doesn’t want to have sex or simply can’t due to medical issues.

    Unfortunately, not everyone is a Christian when they got married or are unequally yoked and perhaps they did not know the Bible because they didn’t know God. There are too many factors to go into in understanding why a husband or wife do not want to have sex. In fact… many people stay single and celibate their whole lives so it is entirely possible for a spouse to go without sex and not cheat. However, many Christian women read articles and magazines that say whether they are in the mood give it up.

    I will say this… if a woman continually gives it up and her husband doesn’t care that she’s in the mood and has sex with her anyway and this continues the wife will become resentful and bitter and may cut him off permanently. We are not blow up dolls, we are not porn stars, we are real women that go through many changes in our lives that links to hormones and having children and menopause.

    If your spouse cannot see what you are going through and together find modifications… perhaps she’s not up for sex but would give him a massage or fix his favorite dinner ect. Cuddle up on the couch and watch HIS favorite movie. Buy him tickets to his favorite sport. Do things for him that let him know that even though you aren’t up for sex that you still love and appreciate him and that in time you will be able to make love again. Sex isn’t and shouldn’t be about some guy or girl getting off. It is an experience between two people that want to be with the other person to show that person how much they love them.

    That is what is wrong with so many writings. God wanted us to not enjoy ourselves but to show each other how much they love them. And if you love them… you will wait.

    1. Your suggestions aren’t a substitute for what is needed. If your spouse isn’t there for you, a back rub or chinese takeout isn’t a substitute, it is an insult.

      1. The substitute for sex is oral. If you have any skill, you’ll be done in 5 minutes. 15-20 minutes of effort a week will save a lot of marriages.

        1. So, the only substitute for sex is sex?

          My eyes are being opened to a side of the male gender I’m not sure I can possibly ever respect. Talk about insults.
          And men wonder why their wives aren’t interested is sex?

          1. Yes, there is no substitute for sex. And it’s okay to not be interested, as long as you meet your husband’s needs anyway.

          2. Speaking from experience, being obligated to give sexual favors when intercourse isn’t desired is DISASTROUS for a marriage. It makes the wife feel used, gross and resentful. Maybe this “sex substitute” will work for a short time until she is absolutely repulsed by sex. She goes to bed anxious every night wondering if she will be able to go to sleep or be used as a sex worker. Resentment and bitterness will build until she wants out. (So without sex, the man gets resentful and bitter but forcing a wife to do sex acts or have sex when she doesn’t desire it will do the same to her.)

            Like Ann said, there are times when the wife has legitimate reasons for not wanting sex and the Christian thing to do would be to lay down YOUR desires for your beloved. Die to one’s self.

            In our experience, having my husband see HIS selfishness in the marriage bed began the healing process. I am no longer obligated to have sex or preform acts when I don’t want to and as a result, my desire is RETURNING. I am not longer repulsed by sex. It was the obligation, selfishness and entitlement on HIS part which caused my lack of desire.

            So before men start berating their wives for not wanting sex, maybe they should look at their own behavior or attitude and maybe THAT’s the culprit for their lack of sex to begin with.

            Oh, and making sure she has orgasms too. That’s important as well. No reason men get to have “all the fun.”

    2. Becky, your comments are well said, and of course the husband should be conisderate of the wife under the circumstances you describe. And yes, of course, if the husband loves his wife he will wait. As a husband married 37 years I would agree with that completely.

      Your second paragraph which begins with “I will say this…” also very well said. I would again agree completely.

      However, the reverse is equally valid. If the wife loves her husband, she will give. (I did not say “give in,” I said “give.” There is a big difference. I don’t have to explain any further I think.) Is it “reasonable” to ask the husband to have eyes only for his wife, when she CONSTANTLY refuses him?

      You say above, “God wanted us to not enjoy ourselves??” Have I got that right?? This is flatly not true. If God didn’t want us to enjoy sex, why did He make it so pleasurable for both man and wife? The wife’s clitoris serves no other function than to provide pleasurable sensations for her with her husband. If God did not want us to enjoy eating, He would not have given us a sense of smell and taste, nor would He have made all the different things we ENJOY eating.

      Anyway Becky, I like what you have said, As I have stated in another post, if both man and wife operate in the mode of “giving to the other,” I think much of the conflict taking place in the area of sex would evaporate very quickly :))

      WP (Work in Progress)

    3. Hello Becky. You are correct that a husband should understand when his wife is not in the mood. However, when her rejection of him lasts for years then there is a problem. I understand depression, medical issues, tired, loss of family member. But not being intimate with your husband once every year to two years is ridiculous. When it lasts for 12 years what is the husband supposed to do?

      1. Agreed. Too many of posts here (and elsewhere) defend the woman’s position to relegate sex as a chore and something that the husband must continually earn. My wife doesn’t have to earn my respect continually. She doesn’t have to continually earn my attention. She doesn’t have to earn me listening to her, asking her about her day, and sharing with one another. She doesn’t have to earn me going to church and leading Bible study at home with the kids. She doesn’t have to earn …and so on.

        Somehow, the husband must continually earn affection and sex. I tire of hearing comments like, “Of course a woman will focus less on her husband’s needs after having a child.” Umm, no, that’s just not acceptable. Children are NOT an excuse for either spouse to pull back on the marital duties. Period. Or, “She may have issues with [fill in the blank] that prevent her from wanting sex.” Perhaps, but that is not necessarily the husband’s issue to solve. Maybe the husband can help, but it’s not his obligation to fix this. The wife needs to jump all over this stuff. She needs to be mindful of the marriage and her role within it. If there is not sex for months at a time, being blind to that deficiency is neither acceptable nor the husband’s sole responsibility to note/fix.

        The Bible doesn’t actually have a lot of teaching about marriage, considering the length of the text. Just a few passages in COR and a few other points here and there. However, one of the points that the Bible is very clear about is the role of sex in marriage. Have it. Have it often. God/Paul recognized the insidious nature of an unhealthy sex life. Without sex, the marriage suffers dramatically. Just as the Bible makes few (actually only one) concessions for divorce, it makes only one concession about not having sex: make it brief, make it a planned period, do it so you can focus on God.

        The Bible doesn’t allow for divorce due to physical abuse. It doesn’t. Sorry. Seems odd and maybe wrong to us, but that is what it is (Jesus states sexual deviance is the only grounds for divorce). Similarly, the Bible doesn’t allow for a woman to deny sex because she’s depressed, or because she feels fat, or because she doesn’t think her husband is doing enough around the house, etc.

        We’ve arrived at a societal place where sex for the husband is some sort of privilege that he gets to enjoy only AFTER all of the needs of the wife have been met, the wife is in a good emotional place, and she is independently moved to have sex. For most of us, that perfect intersection of events happens infrequently and we empower and embolden women to justify the behavior of withholding sex.

        We both own the responsibility of a healthy sex life. And, that may require the woman to independently roll up her sleeves, own her issues, embrace her role as a wife, and engage in the marriage.

        1. I guess the question to ask is “do you want good sex or do you just want whatever kind of sex you can get?”

          A lot of women just don’t have the same interest in sex that men do. It’s not easy trying to build enthusiasm for something you’re not too enthusiastic about. That’s where the man needs to help the woman set the stage for sexual involvement. I guess that’s what you mean by “continually earn.” Of course, she could always roll up her sleeves, own her lack of enthusiasm, embrace her roll as a wife, and lie back and think of England until you’re done.

          1. Do you think the man enjoys everything he has to go through to pay the bills? He does it anyway. Women are so unbelievably self centered…..

          2. So Jay, You don’t care if your wife enjoys sex or not, she should just do it anyway? Perhaps she might be able to stomach that if it only occurred once a month like the bills do.

    4. I agree that women “are not blow-up dolls or porn stars,” but we husbands are not a lawn care service, mechanics to keep the oil changed in the cars, or 24-hour walking ATMs. Guess the other side of the coin never occurred to you. Shocking.

      1. Funny how women often feel used for sex and men often feel used for what they bring to the relationship if sex isn’t readily available. I guess sex truly is a commodity that women should learn to generously exchange for services rendered. That way no one feels put upon or cheated. I wonder who would best be trusted to keep the books?

    5. Good statement. We use the excuse we are not in the mood which is OK, but when a man sees his wife (or vice/versa) in the mood to cut grass, clean house, clean the gutters, wash clothes, he/she gets the feeling of rejection. If the couple is physically able to do it, they need to. This helps keep eyes and thoughts at home. When my wife is not ‘interested’ for a couple of weeks, I seem to notice other women more. Please don’t bash me for saying that, but its just human nature.

      1. I have to add to my comment. I may ‘notice other women’ but I am faithful. My wife may not be interested or doesn’t feel like it, and I am understanding. We may go a couple of weeks of no sex. But we have physical contact during the week, holding, etc. Also, we lay all over each other when we sleep & watch TV. We are in our 50’s.

      2. You say that you should realize before you marry that sex is part of marriage, and if you aren’t willing to give yourself fully to your spouse, then you shouldn’t marry. I fully agree, but as Christians are leaned on very heavily to marry, is this really an option if you don’t want to be thought of as a sad sort of Christian or defective in some way?

        I know this is no reason to get married, but as long as Christians continue to put immense pressure on singles to marry, this problem will persist. I wonder what sort of reaction “I’m not interested in sex” would elicit from the next nosey person who asks someone why they aren’t married?

      3. Maybe you could help her cut grass, clean the house, wash the car, do the laundry etc. She might be more willing to have sex with you then. By the way Bob, what are you doing while she’s performimg all these tasks?

    6. Respectfully, I think many of us, (me for sure), are well beyond that point. We have done all those things. Not to “get some” but because we love our wives. No man (very few anyway and definitely not me) want to have sex with our wives when they aren’t into it. The problem is, they are never into it. For years. They say loving things. Text suggestive things. Compliment your appearance. Then? Nothing! If I did every chore in the house, I would be shut down because there was always one more thing I didn’t do. We’ve passed to “doing nice things” phase because it makes no difference. Doing all the work just means she has more hours to watch ‘Flip or Flop” or some other TV show. We are people in pain.

      In my marriage there are times when I haven’t “been in love” and a couple times I kinda disliked her. That’s when I double my efforts to find new things to love about my wife. That make her attractive to me. It works every time. The hardest part, for me anyway, is that to her I am evidently not worth it to her to make the same effort. The pain comes from loving and wanting the touch of the love of your life. And coming to the sad realization that the feeling isn’t mutual with her. And she’s not willing to do anything about it. Most advice and articles pretend to offer men and women help. Like 5 reasons she doesn’t want sex. I already listen, she’s the one who forgets anniversary’s, if I do a fair amount of the chores, she rejects romance and will find some reason or chore I didn’t do as an excuse. But she says how much she loves me, how attractive I am blah, blah, blah.

      If one spouse isn’t trying to stay in love, they won’t. You can always find a reason. If they would be honest and just say “hey loom I don’t find you attractive anymore and that it’s unlikely to change” we could all have better conversations. Instead of analyzing all these “reasons” and drawing it out for years and nothing ever changes. Obviously you can see I’m in a lot of pain. I love and adore my wife but being rejected for years kills a person more inside a little more every day. For us sex consists of me giving her an hour massage, then making sure her “needs” are met. Then I get a couple minutes of attention. Hardly satisfying. It’s becoming worse having sex than not. I’m about to file for divorce and leave. And that will kill me financially and I’ll miss the love of my life terribly. But I guess I’m not ready as a mid 50’s man to never feel wanted or valued intimately again.

  4. I have been married for 29 years, and to make a long story short, my wife stopped being intimate to me for over 8 years now. I desire her and I tried every approach imaginable with no success to show her that I want her. I talked to our priest about it and he couldn’t do anything. I brought presents, flowers, new cars, you name it and it did not work. I am feeling totally frustrated, angry, and feel like I have no dignity in my own house because my desire for her turns me to ask her for sex and she keeps rejecting me. She won’t even hug or kiss me any more.

    She left the bedroom years ago and made herself another bedroom upstairs. I tried for a long long time to know what have I done wrong and I did not know. We were okay, we were not the best man and wife, but we were okay and life was “livable”. Then I had to leave the country for a little bit over years – went to war in Iraq – and since I came back she has not touched me. I could not get myself to divorce her as I am still in love with her. I even went to a lawyer and was about to start legal process for divorce but I backed out of it and changed my mind. We have one daughter that we raised as well as we could and put her thru college, and she graduated, moved out, and lives and works in a different town for over 3 years now. I do not know what to do and I do not want to cheat on her; I am in my mid fifties and I have not done that before, and I do not want to start now. Heck I would not even know how to go about doing it – I mean cheating. My wife is the only woman in my life. I fell in love with her when we were in college and married 8 years later and been together since then.

    1. She is comfortable and content with your misery. What has she shown you to indicate that she cares?

      1. Well put, Ed; “comfortable and content.” If you don’t mind, may I reference that phrase at my next Relationship group meeting?

    2. If my husband approached me and sincerely read what you wrote and explained how he felt or cried to me I’d take a step back and try to understand. If she doesn’t then tell her you’d like permission or her blessing to fulfill your needs with another woman. Her response should give you an idea of what you need to do. Follow your first initial thought.

    3. Your situation is, unfortunately, fairly common. Some of the specifics are, of course, unique …such as the length of your marriage and the role of your Iraq deployment. But the reality of your current situation is not dissimilar to mine and others’.

      As I’m sure you know, divorce is not a Biblically sanctioned response. The Bible is pretty clear that sexual deviance is the only reason for divorce. Some people have used a liberal interpretation to include adultery. Most people would take a more conservative interpretation and reserve that passage to include sex with children, animals, and other truly deviant and deplorable behavior. Ironically, substance abuse, physical abuse, and other atrocities are not grounds for a divorce. Neither is simply not having sex with your spouse.

      Of course, you could argue that the sin of divorce isn’t any worse than other sins in the Bible …and other sins that we commit. Just don’t fool yourself into believing that you’re justified in divorce. You’re not. Not according to the Bible. Eyes-wide-open.

      Anyway, I don’t have a solution for you. As you have discovered, you can’t earn your wife’s affection, despite myriad books and conventional wisdom that suggest otherwise. Going to counseling was not successful for me, but is has been for others. I recommend at least trying that avenue, assuming you haven’t already done so.

      My wife and I actually discuss our lack of physical relationship on a fairly frequent basis. However, we can’t seem to ever move forward because she won’t own anything. I don’t want to belabor this point with a blow-by-blow account of how these discussions typically flow, but it boils down to accountability and responsibility. Do people change and become committed due to internal resolve and meeting the challenge with action and work? Or do people change because of some external stimulation that inspires them? People waiting for the latter generally just keep waiting…

      Try to talk about it. Don’t use hyperbole. Don’t use figures of speech. Don’t use analogies. Use the plainest, simplest english you can muster to express your position. See what happens. Find out why she has bailed on the marriage. It may be fruitful. It may not be. It may be actionable. It may not be. Probably, there is no harm you can do at this point. Otherwise, you’re stuck. Either buckle in for the long haul or move out.

  5. I have no ideas on how to remedy the issue, but I suppose it’s cathartic to at least share the pain.

    I am married 21 years and have never had what anyone would call a normal sex life. As Christians, we married as virgins and I now think that, although Biblically sound, it was a mistake. I can’t help but believe that we would have learned how sexually incompatible we are had we engaged in sinful fornication. Instead, we are living equally sinful lives by ignoring the tenets of marriage laid out in 1 COR and other places.

    Our sex is uninspired and on the frequency of around 3-6 times per year. I’ve been rejected so much over the years, that I rarely even try approaching her for sex, though I’m wildly attracted to my wife. I know that masturbation is wrong, as it conjures up lust, imagery, etc. But, I can’t survive months at a time without some physical relief and fear I would eventually be led to adultery or other more severe behavior that would probably end the marriage.

    We have been to both secular and Christian counseling, without any change. I’ve read both secular and Christian books, without any change. I find that most teachings boil down to some form of “earning affection/sex” from your wife. Essentially, there was a time when you and your wife had lots of sex. In addition to lots of sex, you were probably doing lots of “other stuff” during that time (notes, gifts, compliments, dates, long walks, etc.). Now, you have no sex, but you’re probably doing very little of that “other stuff.” Quid pro quo. Start doing that “other stuff” and the sex will come back … you rewind the totality of the relationship back to a point of greater functionality.

    Sounds reasonable on paper, I suppose. But this has never worked out in practice. Such approaches become myopically focused on the actions of the husband, which is bad precedent for both spouses.

    I end up jumping through myriad hoops over the course of several months, but I’m chasing a moving target. As I fill up expressed needs (e.g., romance and dates), others move in to replace (e.g., help around the house). In the end, I’m never going to be perfect. There is always a list of around 100 reasons to not be affectionate with me. I can dutifully retire many off that list, but there will always be a few that remain … there will always be a reason to not be affectionate. My wife makes those reasons actionable.

    That’s ultimately where we land. After I spin my wheels for a few months without any behavioral changes from my wife, I wind back down to a safe maintenance mode. I’m not trying real hard in that mode, which creates a more equitable environment … but one that is wholly unsatisfying for both parties.

    My wife is a stay-at-home mom with infinite flexibility and support. We have no financial struggles, abuse struggles, sexual struggles (past or present), are like-minded on things like parenting, religion, and politics. In most ways, we are very compatible. We argue about one thing and one thing only — our intimate life. We do so about once per year, usually initiated by her. She wants a better marriage, but she is just unable (or unwilling) to reciprocate the work that I put in. She won’t roll up the sleeves and do the work. She’s waiting for some sort of external inspiration to feel affectionate toward me.

    Anyway, I don’t believe there’s an answer for all of us. God doesn’t want us to struggle in our marriage, but He doesn’t guarantee success either. Devout Christians struggle with cancer, tragedy, criminal behavior, drug addiction, and, yes, failed marriages. Paul struggled with the “thorn in his side” which God never saw fit to remove. No, God doesn’t promise a struggle-free life. Some will find a way to improve their marriages. Others may discover that an unfulfilling marriage is simply their struggle to bear.

    1. Yes, believe it or not, as odd as it sounds, I do know EXACTLY what you mean by seeing abstinence pre-wedding day as a “mistake.” I’ve even said the same thing. It’s strangely gratifying somehow to hear the same sentiment expressed by someone else. Our stories mirror each other; wish I could offer you some hope for an improvement but after 23 years myself I won’t insult your intelligence by telling you what you already know to be false. All I can offer is prayer and blessings, brother; strength to you this day.

      1. In same boat. When I got tired of waiting I acted out, which of course made things worse. For last 2+ years I have gotten therapy but the reality is she will never be intimate because somehow I’m in charge of making her mysteriously fixed. Everything is always my fault.

    2. You said, “My wife is a stay-at-home mom with infinite flexibility and support. We have no financial struggles.” Sounds like you have the American dream of no financial issues. That is good. Sometimes hard times, struggling financially, both working all day, really helps the intimate life. Good stress reliever. Daily struggles sometimes brings people closer together. Is it possible you have children? Wife consumed with the children? If yes, there is a lot of your problem. You need a time consuming hobby like golf or a big motorcycle. Maybe you need to get tickling around her, wrestle around the bedroom, and make your move. Completely unplanned on her part, no initiation, no reason to say no, just remove her clothes. (keeping a G rating here) A glass of wine may help. Know when her hormones are up & down. If children are living in your bedroom, move them out.

    3. I am a Christian and after years of lack of intimacy I fell to looking for sex online. My wife found out and the thought of it to her is just as bad as the act itself. I am 60 and my wife is still an extraordinarily attractive woman at 57. We at least were friends before and loved to do things together. Now that may be gone till I die if she doesn’t leave me. I am starting counseling to deal with her leaving and how to deal with myself if she stays. I fear being alone at my age. I pray without ceasing that God’ mercy and healing that he will soften her spirit to forgive.

  6. I am divorced & remarried. My first wife would not allow me or my son (baby) to visit my family. Her family, instead of counseling a more moderate approach on her behalf, sided with her & said that I had to “validate” her feelings. And ignore my rights. Since I was not prepared to treat my parents as she wanted me to, there had to come some sort of resolution. Divorce. There were other deeper and darker issues as well, but long story short.
    This was in my mind the only solution. I offered to moderate my position somewhat, but she was adamant.
    Some people say, marriage is forever. I would once have naively agreed. Until I found out the hard way.

    In my view, marriage in its simplest form is a contract. If one party radically and unilaterally changes behavior without consideration for the other party, they must be treading on the dangerous ground of “breach of contract”.
    I do not totally hold to the view, “once saved, always saved”. If this was always true, someone who was a “born again” Christian, could become a reprobate sinner, safe in the knowledge that heaven still awaited him. Despite his earlier salvation. I would think that he may be on thin ice, possibly in breach of contract?

    Marriage, I consider is a similar situation. It should not be discarded lightly or flippantly, but all party’s have needs/rights that should be not trodden under foot. Indeed treated with respect. Any Thoughts?

    1. You are correct as to both being contracts. Something to think about as for breach of contract in the marriage. But I hold firmly that you will never break the contract with God. Oh, you may at some of points. But it is God who secures us and not ourselves. I know of many who have turned to God but only a few who have turned away from Him. They may fall along the way but with HIS help they “renew their strength”. Otherwise I believe they had not be born again/saved.

      1. The deficiency in calling it a contract is that the parties only do what’s spelled out in the contract.

  7. I am 54, my wife is 50, we have been married 32 years, we havent had sex for 5-6 years now; she give me some oral, but as far as sex goes,nothing. She says she just doesn’t want it, or feel the need for it. Now, I know, some might say she is getting it somewhere else, but I can guarantee that is not the case,im at the end of my rope, even considered bringing a third person into the bedroom or me looking elsewhere; she will not discuss the matter, she will just brush it off.

    1. Keep on holding on. I’ve been there. Almost the exact scenario. But I never went to anyone else. And now she passed away over a year ago. I am so glad that I did not go outside the marriage.

    2. Menopause can do a number on a woman’s sexual desire, as well as her physical sexual responses. Often sex becomes painful and/or her body doesn’t respond to sexual touch; she has trouble becoming aroused and has trouble with orgasm. All of these are normal aging changes. Not all women experience the same problems with menopause but many end up with sexual issues.
      Why do we assume that our bodies will always work the way they did when we were 20? If your wife is still willing to provide oral please accept it with love. Perhaps it will soon be you with the physical sexual problems. Please do some study on the changes in menopause and have compassion.

  8. Even as a born again Christian after over 20 years of refusal I have finally realised that my wife is just utterly selfish and it is time to divorce her and find someone who actually does love me.

    1. It’s only fair to ask what she’s bringing to your life of any value. Without sex, it’s probably not much. Or at least it’s not enough to compel you to be a good and faithful husband to such a callous and faithless “wife”.

      Ask yourself, if you were only dating, would you have dumped her and moved on by now?

      1. But “Utterly” is not “only dating” …he made a vow of marriage both to her and to God. Yes, she is putting her husband in a very, very bad place… yes, she shouldn’t be doing this. And Yes, it appears that he has a legitimate gripe. But that doesn’t mean that you can just throw out your vows as if they are not sacred. They are sacred to God, and they should be sacred to us as individuals. He isn’t accountable for his wife, but he is accountable for his own actions. Even if a wife or a husband doesn’t do what she or he should sexually within the marriage, that doesn’t give the other spouse a license to cheat and do that, which also violates the sacredness of the sexual relationship within a marriage.

        To give advice that would intimate dumping a spouse and moving on certainly is not advice that anyone should give another. A spouse is not garbage to be disposed of in such a vile way just because things aren’t happening in the bedroom. This is sacred business within the bedroom and outside of it. Please be careful of the advice you give. We are too much of a throw away society. If we don’t see “value” in something or someone then we proceed to dump and “move on”? Please consider what you are flippantly saying here. We should sympathize, and pray for, and walk alongside someone who is hurting like this, but giving flippant advice is uncalled for.

        1. So your position is that it doesn’t matter what the wife does, he can’t take any action? That’s absurd. She broke her vows first. Even the Catholics will give an annulment for this – it’s called partial simulation of marriage.

          There’s no point in staying in a marriage when only one party intends to keep their vows. At some point it’s obvious that the “wife” was lying when she gave her vows, she never intended to create a marriage and, without that intent, the union is void. There isn’t a marriage to throw away. There’s just a good man taking a beating from a sinful woman because of social pressure and horrible advice from the modern church.

          1. Did I say, “it doesn’t matter what the wife does?” I sure don’t remember saying that AT ALL. It matters very much what each one does. If she’s the one withholding, or he’s the one withholding, that one is absolutely wrong. But what I’m saying is that you don’t “dump” and “move on” like what you are suggesting.

            I’m thinking yours is the “horrible advice.” We’ve seen many, many marriages turn around in this direction when the wife (or the husband) finally woke up and started participating in that aspect of their marriage again. What a shame if they would have “moved on” before they actually improved their marriage. Many times there are children involved in the marriage. How sad for them if they didn’t have to go through the trauma of having one spouse dump the other. Again, I disagree with you over giving such flippant advice.

          2. It won’t let me reply directly so I’ll do it here: You missed my point. Of course you think it matters what she does – just that he shouldn’t divorce her based on those actions. He should…stay faithful, supportive and loving to a vile woman like that? “But what I’m saying is that you don’t “dump” and “move on” like what you are suggesting.”

            Ultimately, that’s the only action he can take that means anything. It’s been 20 years, we aren’t talking about a month or two dry spell. 20 years of callous, sinful, wicked disregard for her husband. This isn’t going to magically fix itself. There’s a point at which you cut the dead weight from your life and women like this man’s wife are nothing but dead weight…lazy and selfish. I think you fail to see the seriousness of her sin.

            “We’ve seen many, many marriages turn around in this direction when the wife (or the husband) finally woke up and started participating in that aspect of their marriage again.” You say “We’ve”, are you part of a group? Do you have a website that chronicles their repentance? I would love to read the testimony of these women who turned from such prolonged sin.

          3. Hi Carl, I have very little time to comment right now because of extenuating circumstances. But when I said we’ve seen many, many marriages turn around for the better on this issue, I am actually one of them. I denied my husband essentially for several years. I just didn’t get it. I write a bit about this in the following article: https://marriagemissions.com/when-childhood-sexual-abuse-affects-marriage-intimacy/. I thought because of my pain, my husband should understand and not make me do this (even though in the beginning of our marriage my past, for some reason, didn’t trigger these actions). Long story short, I heard several women talk about this, I also read a book titled, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex and God opened my eyes.

            I finally realized that I was depriving my husband of the intimacy he/we needed to be together in this way. I started praying in a different direction, and started responding to Steve’s approaches, and got the courage to approach him. I totally get it now. I was wrong to think that he should “just behave himself” and wrong to think that because I didn’t desire sex at one point, that I couldn’t grow to enjoy it together with my wonderful lover –my husband. It all started in a change in my thinking, which caused me to change in my behavior and feeling. It’s very complicated how it all came about. But I thank God for my loving, patient husband who didn’t leave me. He loved me, prayed for me, and was patient (so very patient). We now have a great love life.

            We have mentored couples for numbers of years and have helped many couples through this type of situation (and others). We aren’t counselors; we don’t counsel, we just love couples through tough times (some even tougher than this). We both have taught marriage classes. The Sexual Issues class that I’ve taught have led many women to completely turn their attitudes around. It’s amazing to see. Trust me, I’m not bragging on this. I really can’t take credit for it. I just make myself available and somehow God opens these gals eyes by what we cover in the classes. Steve has worked with many men and they have become much more sensitive to their wive’s needs, which has caused them to be more giving in the bedroom too.

            I’ve also come across other speakers, teachers, and every day people who talk to us and write us how they have seen absolute turn arounds in this department in marriages. And here’s a web site of a woman (and now others she talks to) where she woke up sexually to be a wife who is very sexual with her husband now. Here’s her info (that we have posted on our web site): http://forgivenwife.com This web site has blogs written by Chris, who writes: “After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.” She also writes, “After 20+ years of stubbornness, selfishness, sexual gatekeeping, and discontent, I started to change how I behaved toward my husband. After action came feeling. After all the years of being a poster child for how not to be a wife, I’ve reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, emotionally and physically. In refusing my husband sexually, I was denying him my love.” If you can relate to any of this, visit her web site.

            My point in all of this is to say that God DOES work within many women to help them wake up. He also works with many men who wake up too (many who get into porn and abandon their wife, while she cries in the bedroom waiting for him). I could go on and on, but I can’t. However, I hope this helps in some way.

          4. Carl, I don’t believe most women enter marriage with any intent on shutting off sex. They have the same good intentions men do. But, often when the sex starts, they find they have issues that they had no idea would arise. If a man is smart, he will try to figure out if he is contributing to the situation. It is Very easy for a woman to shut down in the sex department and the only way a woman can work through her issues is with a supportive husband.

            If a wife has a husband who doesn’t feel she brings any value to his life other than being his sex supply (as you mentioned above) she will have absolutely no incentive to share the one thing you feel she possesses of value. If she thinks her husband feels she’s nothing but dead weight if she doesn’t cough up sex, she has every incentive to keep her valuable assets to herself.

            Remember, a woman’s worth (everyone’s worth) is that of a human being first.

          5. Jan. So a woman doesn’t sin on her own, it’s her husband’s fault? He must be doing something otherwise she wouldn’t stop having sex.

            Let’s turn it around, imagine a man begins cheating, would you tell his wife? – “If a woman is smart, she will try to figure out if she is contributing to the situation.” – and continue to be loving, understanding and supportive and maybe, after decades, God will change his heart? Or would you insist than the sin stops first? If you don’t feel like adultery is an good comparison (it is) choose another horrible sin.

            Third, you say that a woman will have “absolutely no incentive” to have sex. Then what’s the point of marriage vows? The incentive a woman should always have is that she gave her word, if that means nothing, then the marriage never existed. Withholding sex for months, years, even decades is breaking your vows as surely as cheating. If you have a problem, maybe it’s on you to show some initiative to fix it. A lot more men would be more understanding if his wife could list all of the things she’s trying to regain her sex drive – all while doing something to help him out in the meantime. That’s a wife who’s bringing more than dead weight to the marriage – she takes initiative, she sees it as a serious problem and is doing everything to fix it instead of callously sitting back and telling him to go take care of himself…then getting mad when he develops a porn addiction.

            And, you’re right, a woman’s worth is simply being a human. But that doesn’t automatically qualify her to be a good wife, she has to do more than simply exist.

      2. To Carl, I believe you misunderstood my meaning… I never said that a woman’s sexual issues are always the man’s fault. What I was saying is that, if a woman finds herself with sexual issues, her husband’s response and attitude towards her will make a huge difference in how she deals with them.

        If a husband makes her feel like all she is worth is the sex she provides him, he will probably find himself going long amounts of time without her even trying to get past her issues. He will cause her to become dead weight and callous toward sex. Conversely, if a woman feels valued as a human being first, if she feels loved for who she is, not what she is to provide, she will have more incentive to work on her issues so she can share her value as a loved human being with her husband.

        A husband’s attitudes toward his wife (as a person) makes a huge difference in whether a wife wants to deal with her issues of not. And, you don’t have to say of word, a wife will pick up on your attitude. Often, husbands convey the message that sex is more important to them than the wife is. Wife = person who vowed to provide me sex. No sex = wife is of no value. A view that a wife is to provide sex no matter what her issues are, and by gum, she better fix herself so her husband won’t be sexually frustrated aren’t very strong motivators for change.

    2. Wow, this one has been a ongoing one, so let me hop in on it. 1 thing, what if things were reversed? Say “fed up’ had a bicycle accident & ‘things’ quit working for him. How would he feel if wife was saying this? Will she divorce him because his xxxxx does not work anymore? Maybe “fed up’ could try therapy, or marriage retreat.

      1. What if he used other methods to stimulate her. The wife’s quit all methods, basically always.

  9. Great article! Perhaps, Cindy, you haven’t entered menopause yet and so can’t address the issue, but you have come near to it anyway. My wife was very sexually interested in our first 10 years of marriage and then her interest plummeted. She still loves me and is attracted to me, but isn’t interested in sex.

    Thank you for your article.

    1. Have her try some hormone replacement therapy. Dr’s give women testosterone for sex drive. Talk to her OBGYN.

  10. I came across this by googling “my wife doesn’t want to have sex” so I am keenly interested in any thoughts or feedback. First, background: married almost 40 years, have had a superb sex life until recently and while I cannot speak to correlation or causality, the downhill path (my wife’s words) coincided with my abrupt diagnosis with a neurological disorder where treatments have impacted my sexual stamina (my wife’s words) though not my desire. That sexual stamina change is characterized by the need for ED drugs and has led to occasional PE thus impairing my wife’s ability to achieve customary multiple orgasms (usually 3-5 times and I am not elaborating).

    One other item: we have a commuter marriage for the last 15 years and therefore see each other only on weekends. So there are few shots on goal so to speak. Her reaction is that she now reluctantly and infrequently engages sexually with me (going 3-4-5 weeks or more), claims her desire is diminished, and, having never been affectionate to begin with, pushes away with any attempt to cuddle or have intimacy in a non-sexual way. NO – she is definitively not having an affair although she is very attractive and suffers no loss of male attention. And my appearance is unchanged = 6’4″, 225, athletic build and I too suffer no loss of female attention.

    I am agonizing and Satan is planting every seed of destruction within me, and I pray constantly for the Holy Spirit to protect me (and her) from the evil one. I am terrified, distraught, and in constant anguish, and this is compounded by my near retirement. I love her without reservation and will never, ever consider a life without her, but I do not know what to do, and I fear the words and actions that could transpire in a moment of weakness.

    1. I have to say this, “wife’s ability to achieve customary multiple orgasms.” WOW! lucky you! You said you have a ‘commuter marriage’ not good, consider changing that. Desire diminished, just happens when you get a few years older. I am in my 50s & my wife does not have any sex drive, she is responsive to touch. You said married 40 years, so you both must be close to 60+ years old. Her estrogen is at ‘0’ she could try hormone replacement, Dr’s give women testosterone for sex drive. She needs to ask her OB/GYN. Your stamina? ED drugs are OK to take. You have to accept the fact of your ages that sexual desires slowly go away. Give her some space. Try not mentioning it or make any advances next weekend, just have fun & enjoy each other’s company.

  11. “Work on your issues.” And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways.”

    We seldom hear about the sexual issues menopause can pose for couples. I’m not sure why it’s not discussed more often because every woman (if she lives long enough) will go through menopause….the shutting down of sexual hormones. A natural biological process.

    Lack of desire, hot flashes, insomnia, heart palpitations, vaginal atrophy leading to pain, incontinence, arousal problems, orgasmic problems, and even aversion to sexual touch can plague a couple.

    I’ve been working on my menopausal symptoms (with the help of the medical field) for 9 years now with very little relief. Sex has become unpleasant and often painful. “Conventional” is out of the question. I no longer need sexual satisfaction. I no longer desire sex. Hormones, creams, gels, gadgets have not worked for me. Sometimes a pill doesn’t cure what ails you. I have no sex hormones to sexually fuel my body yet, I’m still expected to remain a sexually responsive creature.

    I provide my husband stimulation regularly. I can still be a provider just not a recipient of sexual pleasure. It’s strange when sex is a one way street. It’s not the same.

    Can we please start to talk about this? Can we help couples preemptively by preparing ourselves mentally for these changes? Can we please pass on that sometimes “not wanting sex” is not all in our heads but can be caused by physiological changes that don’t always have a solution? It might help us to not take the natural process of sexual hormone depletion personally.

    Until the 1910’s, most women didn’t live long enough to experience menopause. Most men didn’t live long enough either. These are relatively new issues. We need to learn how to deal with them without laying blame or feeling guilty.

    Not everyone experiences menopause the same way but we all go through it.

    1. Glad you are still spending time with husband. Men have needs, women have needs also. My wife is going thru the same as you. She still is sexually responsive to touch but has no drive. Hormones don’t drive a response, it is touch, I can touch her the way she likes it & she has results. No, she does not fake it either. Can you still have an orgasm? Hormones do not affect that. I read about women in their 60’s & 70’s still having a “O”. Painful for my wife? yes; I have learned to take it easy & use extra lube. I know she has no desire & I respect that, she also I knows I ‘need it’ & she respects that also. A spouse needs to meet the other’s sexual needs in some form or fashion, conventional or unconventional. Even faking some desire. It helps keep eyes & thoughts at home.

      1. My physician explained that my lack of response to touch is caused by decreased testosterone and it’s lack of affects on the receptors in my hypothalamus which has led to decreased genital sensitivity plus decreased vasculature in the area doesn’t help. Rubbing my clit feels like rubbing my knee….no more arousal, no more O’s basically due to the above issues.

        I’ve tried varying doses of testosterone cream (and other HRT) with no results. I’ve tried gadgets to increase blood flow which did nothing for me. Working harder and longer to try and get a response has proved pointless. My body no longer wants, needs, or enjoys sex.

        Does this mean I no longer love my husband? No. Does this mean I no longer find him attractive? No. It means my body is no longer sexual. Period. Life spans have seasons if we like it or not.

        My husband still has needs (due to testosterone) even though he had prostate surgery which left him with residual issues which makes “conventional” out of the question. He can’t take ED drugs due to side affects and he doesn’t like injections. At least I don’t have to contend with pain and infections anymore. I still try to provide for his needs best I can.

        Neither one of our bodies work as they used to. Only one of us has desires/needs. Only one of us still experiences pleasure. Makes ‘mutuality’ obsolete. Not an ideal situation. It saddens me to think his eyes and thoughts might leave home if I don’t fake desire. Even after being married over 36 years. What a strong hold testosterone has over a man’s life.
        Bob, be thankful your wife’s body still responds. Not everyone is so lucky. You are both blessed.

        1. Thank you for the response, I was not being ugly to you, things change for us all as we get older. I know things will continue to ‘change’ has we get even older. We can still find our spouses ‘sexy’ & attractive without sex. We have to still spend quality time together, do fun things, like go out to eat, go to the beach, etc. We even took dance lessons which is pretty fun. We plan on starting back. Right now we both work 40+ hard hrs/week & is tough doing anything around the house at night during the week. Weekends are just catch up for us. So you guys keep loving each other, spend good time together, try the dance lessons! We found our instructor from the senior center that has dance nights.

          1. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage. We are best of friends and spend a lot of recreational time together. We look forward to traveling the country when we retire. In the meantime, we have come to realize, after all these years, that sex is too fickle and unreliable to use it to define the calibre of a marriage. When you get past the sex, it’s what’s left that counts. Very refreshing.

        2. This happens all the time with perfectly healthy women with zero abuse history.

          Women think sex with their husbands is gross. They didn’t care or show that they dislike sex when they tricked him into marrying her…

          1. ^^This. Sums it up. “Tricked/deceived are the words I use to describe what my wife (as well as so many other women also) did to me.

  12. I have been married for 20 years. It all started about 10 years ago. She didn’t want to do it anymore and even came to the point of telling me that if anything ever happened to me she would never marry again. I said well that’s nice but she said no it’s not that, I just don’t want to have sex anymore. Since then she has gotten on this kick where she doesn’t eat and now she is very anorexic. I have not had sex with my wife in two years. I am 47 years old and I have tried everything in the world from seeking professional help for her and I’m about at the end of my rope. I do not want to live like this but I have a 16 year old girl that I don’t want to mess up by getting a divorce.

    1. Hi Scott, Greg from South Africa. I am in the same boat and have spent much time in prayer on the subject. Masturbation
      seems the only relief sometimes. I have given up asking my wife for sex (maybe once or twice a month) as it’s just too soul destroying. We have done much Mariage counseling. I am going to start looking for another woman to share my life. Today I made that decision. God can’t change her if she does not think she needs to change.

      One of the greatest side effects of this situation is that I don’t feel wanted. It caused me to be sad all the time (miserable) and this reflects back at her and others EVEN THOUGH MY JOY comes from the Lord. 14 years ago I tried to commit suicide and I believe the Lord stopped me; the rope was already around my neck. I decided that day I would Love my wife unconditionally regardless. But today and no more. I think If I divorced my wife then I could have skipped all the pain. I hate divorce. God Bless.

      1. I know how you feel my life is getting worse and worse as far as sex goes, but we have two kids so I can’t just walk away. I really need God’s help and in that since I don’t understand God and Jesus because I never imagined my life like this. I thought when we got married sex would just be part of our marriage.

  13. Yes, my wife and I have always had sexual issues, which was a problem for me. It started with you’re selfish in bed, to rough, to we don’t have a condom, I don’t like how condoms feel, I am going through peri-menopause, to just not having sex at the end of the day. We sleep in the same bed but we don’t have sex. More over there is in-law involvement on her end. It is wrong but it is also wrong for her to continue such over the pass 7 years. She now comes to bed at am or 2 am to avoid sex.