Are you too busy to be married? Most of us would answer “no” to that. But let’s rephrase the question: Would your spouse say you act like you’re too busy to be involved in your marriage? Would he or she say that you treat your marital relationship as if it’s unimportant to you?
You see, you can be a busy person with a lot of other people and things pulling for your attention, but even so, your spouse can tell if they’re really a priority in your life. I know this to be true because my husband Steve and I are very busy people. We can’t spend as much time focusing our undivided attention on each other as we’d like, but still in the back of our minds we KNOW that our marriage is a priority to the other.
We know that below our love for God, comes our love and devotion for each other. If either of us truly needed the other, we’d find a way to shove things aside to tend to those needs. We’re determined not too busy to find a way to have a good marriage!
Let me ask you another question: when you were engaged to be married, if someone would have asked you if you were too busy to make your future spouse a priority, what would you have said? The answer probably would have been, “no” (otherwise, you probably wouldn’t have married in the first place). And why would that have been your answer? It’s probably because in the newness of your love you were intentional in making your future spouse a priority. You decided that you wouldn’t be too busy to find ways to be with him or her.
Then what happened? Read more
Just because you’re married, it doesn’t mean that you don’t suffer from loneliness. As a matter of fact, that’s one of the problems in too many marriages. Couples are so busy with other aspects of making life work for them that they forget about emotionally connecting and supporting each other. As a result, some of the loneliest people on earth happen to be married. Sad, isn’t it?
If you find yourself in that place in your marriage (or you know of someone else who does) we’d like to touch on this subject with part of an article which is titled, “Alone Together” featured in a past issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine, but is now posted on the web site for the Today’s Christian Woman ministries.
One of the things the author Tim Gardner says about this subject is:
“Ask anyone why they got married and, once they get past ‘because we were in love’ (which I’m not knocking), they will talk about marriage as the antidote to loneliness. Even if they didn’t read that in the Bible first, they’re onto something. God proclaimed that it was “not good” for Adam to be alone (Genesis 2:18), and it’s not good for us either.
“Most of us expect marriage to banish loneliness by providing lifelong companionship. But look around and you’ll find large numbers of couples who are married and still lonely. How does the one stated goal of marriage, God’s desire to alleviate a person’s aloneness, fail to come true for so many husbands and wives?
The reason is the “loneliness lie” where spouses believe “that marriage by itself will put an end to loneliness” (which of course is a lie).
It’s a lie because there is no way any one person can (or should) fulfill our every need for companionship. There are different dynamics that go into everyday living and sometimes our spouse just can’t (or won’t) be there for us as often as we sometimes feel we need. And yet, with the right mindset, matters can improve.
In his article, Tim Gardner, goes on to say: Read more
The need for closeness and the reactions to being disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships, especially in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry, get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are unable to share what is going on in their heart; they are only able to share their anger, frustration and hurt. Read more
Who would think that once you get married, you’d battle with loneliness? Not too many who aren’t married would think so (after-all, it’s one of the reasons they want to get married —to walk WITH someone for the rest of their lives). But getting married isn’t a guard against loneliness.
I’ve experienced it; my husband Steve has too. No matter what, no human being can completely be there for us so that we don’t experience loneliness in some way. We can often get so caught up in all that is going on around us that we space out sometimes, when it comes to being there, in the ways our spouse may need. (And some spouses have more neediness for human companionship than others, so it may not be possible to fill his or her needs, because of that factor, in itself.) Read more
To be lonely when you’re married can seem contradictory —the two don’t seem like they should go together. It’s like being lonely in a crowd. How is this possible? But it happens, even in the best of marriages. No marriage can meet your all needs because marriage contains two imperfect people. One imperfect person plus another imperfect person adds up to an imperfect marriage. So it’s not unusual for needs to go unmet.
The Bible says “In your anger, sin not.” But God impressed upon Steve and me to warn you that in your lonely times when you perceive your needs are not met, to “SIN NOT” as well. We see it continually in the letters we receive and the comments posted on the web site that loneliness brings out a vulnerabilities that many try to escape at all costs. And the costs are great. To combat this problem, we encourage you to prayerfully consider the following thoughts:
Shana Schutte (in “The Gift of Loneliness” article) writes,
“Everyone experiences loneliness at some time. It’s a common denominator in the equation of life. It’s also something no one likes to feel, so our natural response is to run from it, avoid it or deny it by filling our lives with a million distractions. God has a better way.
“When we sink into loneliness and allow it to do its redemptive work by embracing it, it can be a powerful teacher. And as Henri Nouwen writes in his book, The Inner Voice of Love, we may find our ‘loneliness not only tolerable,’ but even fruitful.
“Luke 5:16 says, ‘Jesus withdrew into lonely places and he prayed.’ True, Christ may not have been lonely, but just ‘withdrew into lonely places.’ However, in the same way that his lonely places provided a place of hope for Him, the loneliness you sometimes feel can promote positive change in your life.” Read more