I have a wonderful marriage to a truly wonderful man. However, it hasn’t always been like this. We are a couple whose marriage has survived infidelity.
Just before our fifth anniversary, my husband confessed that he had previously had three affairs over the course of those five years and that he wanted to start dating another woman.
I packed Ray’s things and walked him to his car. At that time, I was pregnant with our third child. In the state I lived in, a couple wasn’t allowed to divorce when the wife was pregnant. So I wasn’t able to do anything for a few months. Even though I was not yet a Christian, I knew God could heal my marriage.
Survived Infidelity Starting with Prayer
I prayed every day that God would open my husband’s eyes so that he could see what he was doing and that he would understand what he was throwing away. Of course, my prayers also were for myself, that I would be able to just “live.” I was devastated. I did the seesaw thing with my emotions.
One day I hated my husband. How could he do that to me? It wasn’t fair! Then I’d cry and cry because I loved him so much. I couldn’t stand the thought of living without him. Over the next couple of months, I learned to rely on God for my happiness (which, quite honestly, there wasn’t much of) and my strength. I even began to look to God for meaning in my life. Also, I prayed every day and read my Bible.
Approximately two months after my husband left me, our baby was due. We found out that I was going to have to have a cesarean section. My husband wanted to be there for us during my recovery. Although I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, I let him move back in to help with our little boys.
During the two weeks of my recovery, he decided he really didn’t want to throw away our marriage. He went to a friend’s pastor and told him everything. Then he prayed to receive Jesus as his Lord and Savior.
Survived Infidelity Step by Step
After talking with me about it, I went to church and did the same. We became Christians within a few days of one another. This was probably the happiest time of my life! My husband and I decided to work on our marriage. We knew that with God’s help and our determination we could get past our past.
Eventually, everything settled down. Ray even quit his job because it wasn’t conducive to healthy family life. He took another job that was supposed to provide him with more time at home. We attended church together. We also spent every evening together, and did more things as a family. I believe it was easy for me to forgive him because I had just been forgiven of all my sins. God, I was sure, would always be first in both our lives—and that there would never be any more affairs.
…I began to grow spiritually by leaps and bounds. God was daily taking me closer to the place in Him where I would be able to stand through all the mess that He knew was soon to happen.
Blaming God
I have to stop right here, though, and say that God didn’t cause the negative situation. It was never His fault. If you are in a situation similar to mine, please don’t fall into the trap of blaming God. Yes, God knew that it was going to happen, but no, He didn’t cause it. Looking back to the things that led up to this era of our lives, I can clearly see God trying to lead and direct us to prevent this very thing from happening.
During this time, my husband took another job. He was in training away from home for longer than any man should have to be away from his family. He began to lose touch with us. Ray still loved us very much and missed us like crazy. However, in the everyday things, we weren’t there. He gradually began to adjust to that.
When his job required many hours of work, it was easier to stay and work than to come home and get reacquainted with all of us. He began to work from 8:00 A.M. to midnight or later. This happened even on the days he was supposed to be off. Before long, he was missing church every Wednesday and every Sunday. Finally, he even quit trying to go to church. He’d just stay at work.
Then he started counseling a woman he worked with who was having trouble in her marriage. This led to the two of them developing a friendship. This “friendship” in turn developed into much more than that.
Survived Infidelity Once, But Then…
At first, I only knew that he no longer wanted to go to church. I didn’t know he was having an affair. I prayed for him all the time and I asked other church members to pray for him. So many people were holding him before God every day that he didn’t stand a chance!
One Sunday evening, during the praise and worship time in our service, I was standing and singing when suddenly I had a mental vision. I saw my husband in a very dark place. It was utter darkness. From the right corner, I heard a voice in my mind say, “The power of the enemy is broken in Ray’s life. The enemy is now defeated in Ray’s life. The enemy no longer has any power in Ray’s life.” These statements were repeated several times.
Then I saw my husband surrounded by the enemy. They were in a circle around him so tight that you couldn’t have passed a piece of paper between their shoulders. I saw bodies only. They weren’t as tall as Ray, who is six feet, but maybe a little stockier. Mostly what I saw was the darkness that surrounded them. The scene made a real impression on me because of the complete darkness. Still, I could see Ray and the others clearly.
Seeing Troubling Signs
…During the next few months, things began to grow worse and worse between my husband and me. I began to see signs in his actions toward me that pointed to him being unfaithful. He never wanted to be intimate. He’d stay at work really late. Plus, he wouldn’t be where he was supposed to be. Also, it would be quite some time before he finally got my messages. He’d be really impatient with me if I asked what his plans were for a particular day. He would never be home when he said he would be. If I asked what kept him, he’d get mad.
Times when he used to be gentle with me or tease me about something, he was now either indifferent or impatient. I remember on New Year’s Eve he told me he’d be home before midnight so we could celebrate the New Year together. Finally, at 3:30 A.M., after not being able to reach him at work where he was supposed to be, I called the police. I asked them to stop by the restaurant where he worked and check on him. They called back and told me the place was dark and all locked up. Nobody was there. Finally, about two hours later, Ray came home. He denied the accusation that he was having an affair.
Even in the face of all these signs, I didn’t want to believe that Ray was involved with another woman. One day, the other woman’s husband openly accused my husband of being involved with his wife. Ray denied it, saying that the guy was upset that they were getting a divorce. He said that he was looking for someone to accuse. I chose to believe my husband. After all, we were Christians.
Revelation Through Prayer
…Many other things happened during the time that followed, and God revealed much to me through the reading of His Word. One of the most significant truths came when I was praying one night. This was the only other time I have literally heard God’s voice speak to me. I had prayed and cried and prayed some more, then finally quieted down and rested in God’s presence. All of a sudden I heard Him say, “You can pray for Ray with all the same authority and confidence you pray for yourself because you are one flesh.” It was a turning point in my life.
Almost one month later, I called my friend and asked her to pray for me that day. I knew deep inside that Ray was going to tell me everything. I suddenly accepted that he was having an affair, and I was ready to face it. About two hours later, he called me from work and asked if I’d be free in a little bit because he wanted to talk to me. When he came home, he told me everything, and then asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him he needed to face the consequences of his actions, and I’d have his things packed for him after the boys went to bed that night.
I went to the lawyer’s office to sign divorce papers on a Monday. The following Wednesday the kids and I packed a couple suitcases and drove to Mom’s. She put us up for the week so I could look for a job and a place to live. On Sunday Ray called. Only a week lapsed from the day I signed the papers to the day he called. He told me he couldn’t stay with his girlfriend anymore. He just couldn’t continue in that relationship. Ray asked for an opportunity to talk things over with me.
The Next Step
…I stayed at Mom’s until the next Thursday. Then I went back home and, after work, Ray came over to talk. Actually he talked a little and then listened while I took all my pain and frustration out on him. He was so humble. Ray sat there and took it, and apologized over and over. He said to me at one point that he didn’t know what else to do except apologize. He couldn’t undo what he’d done. On the other hand though, he wanted to try to make things right again.
A battle was raging in my mind and in my heart. I wanted to make him hurt as much as he’d hurt me. But I also wanted to let God do what He wanted in our lives. I sat precariously on the fence between forgiveness and retaliation for most of the night. But God had become so close to me over the previous months that I couldn’t turn my back on Him. I had to give Ray another chance. I had to forgive him. Not because I wanted to, but because God wanted me to. I had to honor God in my marriage.
It took many months before trusting Ray became natural again. As a matter of fact, the hardest times were only beginning. After everything was brought out in the open, Ray lost his job for fraternizing with an employee. Then the other husband began following him home after work at night. He’d slash two tires on our car every night. I believe it was by the grace of God that we had two spares, and the guy never slashed three tires. I’ve never put so many used tires on a car in my lifetime! I became afraid for our safety.
Working Through Problems
Ray and I began to pray together for the first time. Additionally, we attended marriage classes to work through our problems. We started dating one another every week. Tuesday was our “date night.” We made this commitment to each other, and nothing else took priority over that. Ray told his employer that under no circumstances could he work on Tuesday nights. What was great is that he was honest about the reasons why. His employer honored his forthrightness and never asked him to work those nights.
All our troubles weren’t over, though. I still had to learn to really trust Ray. I had chosen to forgive him. But I had to keep reminding myself of it every day for months. Trust doesn’t happen because we forgive. Just as forgiveness is a choice, so is trust. I had many opportunities to wonder if Ray was being faithful. But each time I had to choose to believe he was. I prayed many times that God would help me not assume Ray was out with a woman when he was a little late getting home.
Additionally, I learned that if I showed trust in Ray, he proved to be more trustworthy. When I’d get upset about him being late and start sarcastically asking whom he was with, he’d begin to lose hope that things could be right between us. He realized he had to re-earn my trust. But I also had to show him I was willing to try again. Ray knew he’d been wrong and that he’d hurt me. But now he was trying to be the husband he was supposed to be. It would frustrate and hurt him when I’d bring up his infidelities.
Survived Infidelity
It has now been six years since Ray’s last affair. His relationship with God is better than ever. Our relationship as husband and wife grows stronger each week.
A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes work and commitment. A couple must decide to stay together and work no matter how hard life gets. I learned that adultery is one of the hardest things a couple could ever deal with. But in God’s eyes, adultery is a sin like any other sin. God classifies every transgression in the same category: sin. Jesus died to provide forgiveness for our sins.
Ray hurt me when he had affairs, but I discovered through his deeds that I had been unfaithful to Jesus. Anytime I don’t obey when I know God wants me to do something, I’m being unfaithful. Anytime I put another person or activity before God or my relationship with Him, I’m being unfaithful. Jesus hurts when I’m unfaithful, just as I hurt when Ray was unfaithful. Who am I to say that I won’t forgive Ray for his wrongdoing, when I expect to be forgiven for mine?
Many women might think it would be easier to get rid of men like Ray. After all, the Bible does allow for divorce in the case of fornication or adultery. But would a divorced life really be better? I can attest to the fact that many times I’d look at other men in the church and think, he’d never do what Ray did. I wish I had a husband like him.
No One is Free From Temptation
But I learned that one of the men I had assumed would never even look at a woman other than his wife wanted our church to address the issue of adultery and remaining faithful. I had thought he’d never be one to struggle in that area. No one is free from temptation. Don’t trade your husband in on the chance you’ll get one who doesn’t make mistakes.
God is truly able to bring good out of the pain and hurt you’re facing. He may not give you a vision; He may not speak to you like He did to me. But He will walk with you, and many times He’ll carry you through situations you come up against. He won’t leave you alone; He will draw you closer to Him. It’s up to you to take the steps He’s asking of you. He wants to hide you under the shadow of His wings and give you the strength to stand with Him through all your pain.
But you can’t have a pity party when God doesn’t make everything perfect overnight. Life is a journey—a journey that causes you to grow and mature. Walking the path of forgiveness will stretch and strengthen you if you’ll let it.
Forgiveness and trust are a choice. No one can earn forgiveness; it has to be given freely. Pray until you are able to truly forgive. Choose to trust. When you feel bitterness and anger flare up, pray. Release those feelings to the Lord, and ask Him to help you. He will give you the ability to forgive and trust again.
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned. (Song of Songs 8:6,7)
The Facts of Marriage
If you are thinking of leaving your husband, realize that even another marriage with another man stands the chance of unraveling. When you divorce one man and marry another, you are essentially ripping your soul in half. You are then attempting to merge it with another. The wounds take years to heal. And the likelihood of a second-marriage divorce is much greater than that of a first-marriage divorce.
We fool ourselves when we believe we are going to find “Mr. Wonderful.” It’s fantasy to think we will blend our families into one big, happy unit with very little struggle. “The Brady Bunch” seldom exists in the real world. I encourage you to take every healthy, God-ordained measure you have available to make your marriage work. Never enable sin or selfishness. But do live Christ with every fiber of your being!
The Facts of Children
If you have children and think divorce will not affect them that much, please think again. My own parents divorced, and I speak from personal experience. Divorce is an emotional abortion that will devastate your children. While I don’t believe a woman should stay in an abusive situation or enable sin, legal separations are a great alternative to divorce in worst case scenarios. If divorce proceedings occur, seek God long and hard to make sure you are following His leading.
The Facts of Real Life
In the real world, men divorce their wives as well. And people get divorces then find the Lord. There are also many bad situations that might lead to divorce for the safety of the women and children involved. If you are already divorced, take heart. If there’s any way to reconcile, pray that the Lord will give you the courage to obey.
But if you are in your second or third marriage, believe that while you cannot go back to your first marriage, God can and will give you a dose of His grace that will bring healing and wholeness to your past and your current marriage.
I don’t believe divorce is God’s perfect will, but I do believe God takes us where we are and moves us forward. He forgives, chooses to forget, and holds us up in His amazing love.
This testimony comes from the book, Romancing Your Husband: Enjoying a Passionate Life Together
Even though this book isn’t primarily focused on the subject of infidelity (even though this part of it is) the rest of the book is helpful to ALL women who want to make their marriages healthier. You may want to obtain this book, both to read the rest of this testimony, but also to learn the rest of what the author teaches you.
(USA) I want to stop feeling insecure, like my husband will never come back.
(ZAMBIA) This passage was well compiled. I read it slowly over and over again. I am one of those in the second marriage. I had a child with the first man, who just decided to leave us when the child was only 3 months old.
My current marriage has not always been the best. I had even contemplated divorce from my husband of 8 years now, after finding out about his infidelity, thinking there is a man out there for me, who will not make mistakes.
This passage has taught me that things work out for good once we put everything in God’s hands.
(AUSTRALIA) This is so good, it’s like God Himself is talking directly to us through these testimonials and wise words. If only a lot of people would read materials like the above then the divorce rates would be lowered. God is good and let us continue to do His will.
(USA) I am married from 15 years. The only time I enjoyed sex is before I get pregnant. My little one is 4 years old. I am desperate for male company. My husband has nothing to do with me. I am mentally exhausted. I looking for suggestions???
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Daly, Your 4 year old should be your priority now. You will keep on getting hurt by looking for male company. Look unto God who is the author and the finisher of your faith. God will make you complete. Turn to him. God bless you.
(USA) What if after an 11mo affair you start reconciling then find out a year later he conceived a child and that reconciling time was all a lie? But he wants to know if you could work through it.
(USA) This was a really good story… I have been married for 19 years. My husband had/is having an affair. The woman says that they had a son together 20 years ago… but she never told him… until now. I never thought I could experience so much pain. We are still together but things are “difficult”. He feels like I didn’t give him the attention that he needed at one point in our marriage; I’m not sure if he has forgiven me yet, but he uses that as a reason for the affair… well, now there’s the “child” who is also special needs… it’s all so overwhelming. My emotions a different every day.
One thing that stood out about this story is where the author tells us that it’s not God’s fault and not to blame God… that’s exactly what our pastor said on Sunday and it hit me like a ton of bricks… I had no idea that I was blaming God until I heard it with my own ears. I’m still not sure what we are going to do… trust is broken… but I know that nothing is too hard for God… HE can restore.
(USA) My husband and I are Christians and have been married for 4 years. I found out last year that he had been unfaithful at that time and during the first year of our marriage. His infidelity was well hidden from me. I am the sort of wife that not only pays attention to her husband, but crowns him with unconditional love and respect.
The Lord revealed the sin problem when my husband left his email open one day and as I went to close it, I saw another married Christian woman had sent him a nude photo of herself. It took him awhile to fess up after being confronted due to the shame he felt. It took a few conversations where I just stared at him and begged for an honest reason why it had happened- something we could fix together. But once I reassured him that I loved him unconditionally and was open to forgiving, it all poured out. He described that he had dated her in High School and was just talking with her on Facebook to catch up on her life when they began to talk about how they had dated and how much fun they had and… what had seemed to be such an innocent conversation had led to marital boundaries being broken. He hadn’t expected that would happen. After he confessed, we discussed that setting marital boundaries and sticking to them is important to our future marital success.
After he confessed that sin, God put on my heart that there had been more to discuss. So I pushed a little further and reassured him that we were going to stick it out no matter what. He admitted that when we were first married, he had wondered if he had married to soon before “sowing his oats”. He said he knew the thought was illogical and against his beliefs as a Christian man but was overtaken by sexual curiosity. He posted himself on a dating website meant for casual sex and dating. He said he never went on any meet-ups but wanted to know feel that he was coveted (by someone other than myself). He admits that it was stupid and illogical. I wish that he was more of an open-book, like myself so we could have discussed this back then and perhaps upon saying the thought aloud, he would have realized it was stupid BEFORE acting on it. I let him know that it was okay to be vulnerable and talk honestly with me although I am a sensitive person. I am praying that he finds a Christian male friend who he might be able to talk more easily with him regarding temptation.
Since then we have made great strides in our relationship. He knows how far my love will go for him and knows how lucky he is to have that. I still love him with a burning passion but do struggle with low self-esteem and trusting him to withstand temptations. I must unfortunately admit that I once in a while scan over his email to check up on him. But I am scared and still insecure. I think counseling would benefit us because we never talked to anyone because he is such a private person and it’s such an embarrassing thing for him. Should I make him go? I went by myself because of low self-esteem but still have the same issues and sin problems.
(FIJI) I love this testimony, especially on praying whenever you feel the anger and pain, and using this as a way to overcome the need to say sarcastic remarks. One thing I’ve learned is that God wants me to stay in the marriage, no matter how much I want to escape the troubles/issues we have to deal with. God will be the judge, if he has forgiven my husband, who am I to keep judging???
I am learning to pray as often as I feel the distrust, feel the pain of being lied to and I thank God for the above testimony. It’s been 2 weeks after the discovery of the affairs in our 9 yrs of marriage, and I’m just trying to take it one day at a time, especially with the forgiving part. Please keep me in your prayers.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I have experienced infidelity on more than one occassion and my self esteem is now non existent. I wish my husband understood how devastating his actions are. Forgiveness has not been easy because when I think I can trust again, something else happens. I love my husband and he is not saved so how can I expect him to act differently?
I asked God how I was supposed to trust him and God told me not to focus on trusting my husband but to rather trust Him. He is in control and my life is in His hands. Infidelity hurts but I know that God will heal me and touch my husband’s heart. As believer’s we are so blessed because God is our refuge, our rock and our healer. As we continue to look to Him, He will make a way where there seems to be no way.
(PHILS) It has been 9 months since my husband left me for another woman. We’ve been married for nine years without the blessing of a child when he confessed to me he’s in love with another woman and he’s going to be a father in 3 months’ time. I tried real hard to salvage whatever was left of our marriage even to the point of begging for him to stay and give our marriage another chance. I even texted the other woman and also begged for her to bring me back my husband.
I have always believed I had a blissful marriage. I married a man with unquestionable integrity being both Christians. Suddenly, I found myself doubting my self-worth. Being childless and then without a husband, how could life and fate be so cruel?
I recently received a petition from the court. He has filed for annulment. Deep within the recesses of my being, I honestly thought and prayed that he would still be the one I’d be spending the rest of my life with. Now, it finally dawned on me that it’s really over between us.
Shall I contest the petition so his mistress will remain a mistress? My lawyer told me 80% the petition will be denied once I contest. After all, I have all the grounds and reasons to file for annulment. Nevertheless, how could I achieve peace of mind if I oppose the petition? What for? Obviously, I don’t mean anything to him anymore and it’s really time to move on, move forward, pick up the pieces, believe that God is always in control and that I will also find my own happiness with someone who’s more deserving to be loved. Nothing really lasts forever. Thy will be done in our lives…
Dear Raven, First off, let me tell you how sorry I am that you find yourself in this place in your marriage. Nothing tears more against the heart of a woman, than to be betrayed by the man that you put your heart and trust into –one who made the choice to violate your trust and your feelings in such a terrible way. My heart truly cries with yours.
I wish I had words that could heal your pain and words that when I say them, you would repeat them to your husband and he would open his eyes and see the horrible way he has been treating you and would TRULY repent and work to show his sincere sorrow and trustworthiness in the future. But sadly, I can’t help you beyond praying for you and sympathizing and crying with you and telling you to keep going to God with your pain and anguish and plead for the soul of your husband. I urge you not to give up praying and believing that God loves you and knowing that He sees your pain and knows your heart and He cares. With God, there is always hope that the future will not be as painful and will be brighter in some way.
He won’t MAKE your husband do what he should do –even though that is His heart. Because He gives everyone a free will, it would go against His nature to force us to live as we should. But He will work in ways you may never know to talk to your husband’s spirit. And as you lean upon the Lord He will give you help and hope as to how to put one foot in front of the other to walk this journey without surrendering to the glee of the enemy of our faith.
As for your contesting the petition, I would. You are married. Your husband sinned and is trying to spin it into looking like he didn’t really cheat on you because the marriage was never really a marriage. It was. By contesting the petition, you are not seeking revenge or stopping yourself from “moving on” –whatever that means because this type betrayal will always go with you in some way… even if it’s eventually “just” an emotional scar. You will never be the same. But you can still build a good, healthy life where you can find happiness –either with your husband or without. But by your consenting to the annulment, it’s like you put an ok on this type of behavior. It’s not ok.
Your husband betrayed you and betrayed God. He can’t white-wash that, as much as he wants to try to. Contest the petition–not in a mean-spirited way, but in letting it be known that you had a legitimate marriage. He chose to tear it apart –you didn’t. If he can live with that, then that is up to him (until he stands before the Lord someday, that is). Stand up for your right to be recognized as his legal wife and then do what you need to from there. If there is no hope of reconciliation, then you can at least stand tall knowing that you didn’t tear the marriage apart and you can build a new life without that guilt. Let God take care of your husband. And keep going to God to help you to heal from this horrible experience.
I pray for you Raven, that you will have the wisdom and strength to do what needs to be done in the days ahead of you. I pray God, as your Heavenly Father, comforts your heart and helps you to go forth in the confidence of knowing that Christ, as your Bridegroom and the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor” will be with you to guide you and help you. They will never leave or forsake you. I pray the eyes of your husband’s heart will be opened and hope he responds in the way he should –to turn away from cheating and betrayal. I hope that you will lean into God and HIS understanding of what’s going on and pray that He will “lead you to a rock that is higher” than you, so you will someday be able to face the future in peace and joy. My love as a sister in Christ and prayers are with you.
Currently, I’ve been the Ray in my wife’s life. We have been married for 3 years, and I’ve had 3 different affairs. I feel as if I’m diminished and hopeless in life. I’ve been forthright to my wife about them recently. She was so hurt, and I understand why. I’m asking for anyone to pray and hold up this marriage and ignite it with passion for God and one another.
I know how Ray felt when he said he didn’t know what else to do but to apologize, and to be honest that’s where I’m at. I feel as if I can’t get the forgiveness and peace that I know God provides. Please pray; my wife has given me forgiveness and a sense of unconditional love that I’ve not seen from her in our rocky marriage. Thank you everybody, in no way am I trying to say oh it’s okay please just pray, I’m asking for prayer warriors to pray and get this marriage on course for God’s will, not my lustful, sinful, and despicable addictions. Thank you.
Wow I needed this. His truth was revealed to me Christmas night 2017. It rocked my world even though God himself had been preparing me for it from October. It wasnt the first time and I was no door mat. But choosing to stay sure made me feel like it in the worlds eyes hence why I choose to not disclose it (the full story) to anyone. God knows and knew the truth. I’m fortunate my husband can see he is the one who has deep rooted hurts/pains that he never has really dealt with. He is doing much to heal and God has been faithful and answered so many prayers. Reading this has felt assuring that one can fully recover from multiple affairs thanks for your honestly. I note this was written a long while ago. I’d love to know where things are at now.
This testimony has spoken to me, especially the point which says… “can attest to the fact that many times I’d look at other men in the church and think, he’d never do what Ray did. I wish I had a husband like him.” This has always been my envy. Thank you for sharing. I am at the point where I do not understand myself and what I want.
This morning I told God, I do not know who I am and what I want, walk with me Lord, guide me; I just want You Lord.
My husband loves our nanny. It has been hard for me to reconcile that. Even though he has apologized many times, I still feel awkward and rejected. I just need more help to accept my husband back.
Anne, I’m so very sad for you. Your heart has to be breaking, confused, angry, sad, mad, and this awful list of emotions go on and on. Whatever you do though, don’t look at other marriages and other spouses. That will only hurt you further. Look to God and then look through His eyes at what you have right there in front of you. Don’t turn to the right or the left or what’s too far ahead of you. God will direct you one step at a time.
From your prayer request (which I’m so glad you posted… we will be praying), it looks like your husband has a wandering eye, which he follows up with unfaithful actions. I can well understand why you would be so mixed up in your emotions. This is more than any faithful spouse should put up with and allow. Somehow, you need to get through to him that your home, your heart, and your marital bed is not one that revolves to open up to unfaithfulness. God doesn’t put up with unfaithfulness, and neither should we. Even him looking at another woman with lust is a sin, according to Jesus.
He needs to make a serious choice. If he wants to “love” others and play around with them, then your marital bed is closed to him. You are his wife, and you can expect no less than faithfulness on his part. He is endangering himself, and more importantly, he is endangering you by his foolish actions. There are too many diseases out there (some of them fatal) that he can contract through others and bring home to you. We’ve seen it over and over again that this happens. The faithful one pays an even bigger price, sometimes with his or her own life, for the stupidity of their cheating spouse. No one thinks it will happen to them, but it does. We have A LOT of testimonies posted on this web site from spouses who can attest to that. He promised to be faithful in his wedding vow to you, and he needs to live up to his vow.
Anne, please seriously pray about how you will approach this with your husband. Apologies are great, but they are empty unless the one who confesses puts into action, total repentance AND behavior changes. He should not be with women who can tempt him. I’m sorry, but you need to find another nanny. She is not protecting your children because she is not protecting your marriage. And you cannot have your husband alone with a nanny, or any other woman. He is too prone to wandering with his eyes and other body parts.
Forgive, yes… God wants to free you from carrying that burden. But reconciling? That’s another decision you have to decide upon. You are not required to reconcile with an on-going cheater. If he can ever be trusted again, you need to require more of him. He needs to show you that he is trustworthy and “gets it” as far as how much he has hurt you, and how he should never, ever, ever put you in that place again of mourning because of his unfaithfulness. If he can’t stop cheating with his eyes and actions, he doesn’t deserve to live with a faithful, disease-free wife who loves God and loves him. I pray for you Anne. I pray for strength, comfort, wisdom and discernment as to what to do as you take one step at a time with God leading the way.
Thank you for this testimony. As a marriage that is 14 months post a year long affair, the challenges are great. I am thankful to hear of others’ stories and how they not only managed to survive but thrive after everything. I am praying for complete restoration in my own marriage and hearing others’ testimonies gives me hope.