“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? And how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?“ (1 Corinthians 7:16 NIV)
Some of the common misconceptions a Christian wife can believe that needs to be addressed are:
“I can save him.”
I’ve found that this is the most common misconception of all among unequally yoked wives, so I’ll start here.
We are saved through the power of the Holy Spirit working on our hearts. If we could “save” those we love, everyone in the world would be a believer, but as humans we simply don’t have that power. The first thing you must realize as an unequally yoked wife is that you cannot talk, threaten, nag, trick, or cry your husband into salvation. It’s a relationship that he must freely choose to have with Jesus Christ, and you already know that God wants that for him.
I won’t get into the theology of God choosing us versus us choosing God, but I hope you understand what I’m driving at here. A wife cannot make her husband believe! The sooner you stop trying to do this, the better for both you and your husband.
“All my friends at church have perfect husbands.”
Big mistake! Don’t ever compare your husband to other men, especially those at church, or you’ll be truly miserable and setting yourself up for some very harmful emotional situations. It’s easy to idealize men you don’t have to live with especially if your own husband doesn’t seem to be matching up, but all men (and women) have their faults and foibles. No one is perfect except Christ Jesus.
I have two pieces of advice here:
One —Never make a man your confidante. Aside from conferring with your pastor, as a Christian woman you should confide in one or two trusted Christian sisters only. There are many reasons for this but I’ll only mention the obvious here. If you’re feeling your husband isn’t meeting your needs, unburdening yourself to a well-meaning and sympathetic male friend sets up an atmosphere of false intimacy that can lead to adulterous thoughts or actions.
Two —Don’t make it a habit to complain about what you perceive to be your husband’s “negative” qualities. Dwelling on and talking about your husband’s short-comings only re-enforces those thoughts in your mind as well as making him look bad to others, and you don’t want to do that to someone you love.
“He’s not stupid! He should be able to see that this is a better way to live!”
Now that we’ve established that no one is perfect, it’s safe to say that even God-fearing men have their struggles! Realizing this you need to accept that an unspiritual man is going to have many of the same struggles plus a few that stem from having a worldly perspective on all things. He won’t make decisions in the same way that a Christian man would by consulting God through prayer or the Word because (as far as he’s concerned) he doesn’t have an all-powerful God to rely on! Therefore many situations that Christians would automatically turn over to the Lord are going to seem like insurmountable problems to him. This is how the worldly person lives; relying on their own strength and understanding for everything.
About all we can do is pray or gently offer advice being careful to avoid phrases like, “If only you’d give this problem to God, then…” or “When it comes to this kind of thing, the Bible says…”
“Well, God can convert him in no time!”
Don’t even go there! You’ll only be disappointed. God’s time is not our time and His ways are not our ways. (I can personally attest to this!) Take each day as it comes, pray for your husband’s salvation, and realize that even if he converts tomorrow you may not see much of a change in his habits or outlook.
“I’m the only one suffering.”
Not true! It can be just as miserable for your husband to live with you knowing he often lets you down or displeases you with his “worldly” ways; and feeling shut out of an important area of your life while feeling imposed upon by a lifestyle he doesn’t believe in. As his wife you must take great care not to present yourself as a “holier-than-thou” martyr.
God wants us to trust Him.
Scripture references: Psalm 40, Isaiah 26:12, Isaiah 30:18
The above article was found at a web site called Child of Light. Their web site is currently under re-construction so this is a copy of what they have offered in the past. Hopefully, their web site will soon be available once again so you can read additional articles they make available.
(USA) Thank you for your tender and truthful encouragement in this very difficult situation. As a woman in this situation I appreciate the encouragement and help.
(USA) What if you are a believer who backslid and married a non-believer during that time? I have people always refer to the Corinthians passage but it always worries me when I read some of the Old Testament where Israel married in the pagan nations and the passage about being unequally yoked in the New. I actually read an article that basically said the Corinthians passage was for people who were already married and one person converted… not my situation where I knowingly as a believer disobeyed and married a non believer. It said my marriage was just as sinful as a homosexual union and was not ordained by God and that I should do like they did in Ezra and abandon my spouse.
I do not want to leave but I also don’t want to be in constant sin either. I am trying to get my life back in order. Does that mean I have to leave my spouse? I can’t seem to find peace about this!
Kim, I am in the same situation. And I have struggled with this same question. I was raised in a Christian home, even homeschooled, went to private Christian school, and Bible college! And I still made a poor choice and began a (sexual) relationship with an unbeliever, had children with him, and married him. It has been tough to come to terms with the reality that I didn’t end up with the Bible-believing, church-going, small-group-leading theologian I envisioned. He doesn’t go to church with me or share my worldview – I feel “spiritually single”. He doesn’t read the Bible and probably doesn’t pray much.
I’m just sharing my story to let you know that you’re not alone, and I also wonder what to do. I have often thought, “Should I leave him?” “Was this all a mistake?” Thank you for commenting because it encourages me to know I’m not alone. God hears our prayers and knows our challenges.
You made a covenant of marriage before God if this is first marriage. Although you are unequally yoked and you have repented before God receive his forgiveness and grace even though it doesn’t prove easy in your situation. 1 Corinthians 7:10-14 says if non believers wishes to leave let them… but how do you know? See verse 16. Only death will end the marriage.
Yes, wow that was me when I married my husband. He is an atheist and I was living in sin. Now after six years he abandoned me and our two kids. I eventually dedicated my life to Christ and now have been praying for his salvation. I messed up bad. But thank God, that God found me where my most hurt came from my heart due to not following Christ. I’m glad I learned and can pray for the lost and brokenhearted like what was once me. God led me to you Laura, because he needed to show me that I married in sin… Now I can repent and pray.
Thank you all for your posts. I am in the same situation. I have been a believer all my life but I wasn’t as sure of my faith back then as I am now. My husband is a Muslim. About 2 years ago, I read the Quran and was completely put off by what he actually believed about Jesus. I felt so lost in that moment that I actually considered leaving him. I felt like a made a big mistake.
I know that I was not in line with God’s word when I married him, but I didn’t want to commit another sin by leaving him, especially since we have 2 kids. I made a vow before God and said “till death do us part.” Sometimes I wonder though if things happen for a reason. I feel like this struggle has made me a better Christian. My faith has increased. It has caused me to depend on God in a way that I never did before. I know that this situation is out of my control and that putting my trust in God is the only way to go.
I have to believe that he is trying to make me a stronger Christian, better wife and mother. Remember “and we know in ALL things, God is working for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Thank you very much. This is SO helpful to me. I felt alone in this struggle, but I realize there are others going through this as well, and I am encouraged by this- thank you!