My husband and I agreed we never should have married. We wondered, did we make a mistake in marrying? Here’s what we did about it.
It could’ve been a scene from Father of the Bride when our daughter Alison and her boyfriend announced they were getting married.
While I whooped and hollered and hugged everyone in sight, my husband grew uncharacteristically quiet and drummed his fingers on his leg. I chalked it up to Barry’s aversion to tuxedos or panic over a wedding’s high cost. But once we were alone, I discovered it was something else altogether.
“I don’t want them to make the same mistake we did,” he told me. I gulped. “But they’re not us,” I assured him. “Besides, look how far we’ve come in 21 years. Do you still think we made a mistake?” Although I knew he would agree that God had transformed our marriage, it was a hard moment.
Barry and I got married three months after we met, with little clear thinking but an overwhelming physical attraction. By the time we discovered we had nothing in common, we had already vowed to love each other. Forever.
Very soon I discovered I was pregnant, and neither of us wanted to break up our family. So Barry and I spent the first decade of our marriage pondering the “if onlys,” each thinking we’d married the wrong person. We had a few laughs, but secretly we believed a truly fulfilling future was out of our reach.
And we weren’t the only ones. Several friends have admitted they reached a point in their marriages where one or both partners said, “We made a mistake. My needs aren’t being met. I want out.” Our friends Mike and Amanda, for instance, were considered a “mistake” before they even got started. A premarital counselor told them they were “totally incompatible.”
“But we were in love!” explains Mike. So he set out to do everything right. He read marriage books and followed every principle. He didn’t understand that no book could dictate how, exactly, to shape his unique marriage to Amanda. But because Mike thought he was doing everything “right,” when something went wrong, it was never his fault.
Amanda says their marriage was like “Pharisee Meets Samaritan Woman” —she was always in the wrong. When she was angry, she’d retreat from Mike, leaving the room and creating emotional distance. Eventually both of them turned their attention to separate friendships and activities.
For a while Barry and I also lived as “divorced marrieds.” Barry sought fulfillment through sports and tinkering around the house, while I worked on crafts and sewing projects, shopped with friends or went to church activities. We kept ourselves detached, each thinking we could’ve done better with someone else as a life partner.
Such extreme emotional detachment can lead to infidelity. A couple from my Bible study fell into the “divorced married” trap. “We didn’t fight,” explained the husband. “It was just nothing.” They both felt their marriage was a mistake, and both had extramarital affairs.
Disappointed couples often dwell too much on what might have been. In his book For Better, For Worse, For Keeps (Multnomah), Bob Moeller points out,
“Retracing our life’s steps and wishing we had made different choices may provide momentary distraction, but ultimately it does nothing to bring reconciliation.”
It does the exact opposite, in fact, by breeding discontent and resentment. Mentally rehearsing where you went wrong keeps you from being thankful for what’s right, and from working to make things better. Emotional distance and the “if onlys” are warning signs that a marriage is in danger.
Another indicator is blame. I blamed my marital unhappiness on the fact that I’d become a Christian early in our marriage and Barry hadn’t. I felt sure he was the reason for all our conflicts and distress. And I let him know often that our life would be so much easier if only he’d obey God. Finally, he told me that if I wanted a Christian husband so bad he’d go to church and pick one out for me. That’s when I realized my pushy behaviors were hurting, not helping.
Where to Go from Here
It’s easy to rationalize: I married the wrong person. Since we’re both miserable, the logical thing to do is get out now. Yet how often do we ask, “Does God think my marriage is a mistake?”
“Dwelling on whether or not you married the right person ignores God’s stake in the choice you already made,” write Dr. Richard Matteson and Janis Long Harris in What If I Married the Wrong Person? (Bethany). Barry and I may not have shown any regard for God’s purposes for us, but our choice to marry didn’t surprise him. Looking back, what we once considered a mistake we now view as part of a higher plan.
“God’s purposes are greater than our poor choices,” writes Moeller. “He can accomplish things we never imagined, in spite of our mistakes.”
I wish I could say Barry and I set up a ten-step plan to improve our marriage once we realized we were living with regrets. Personal growth takes time, but we hung in there long enough to let God work. Here are five steps that will help you set your disappointments aside long enough to focus on what’s good about your marriage.
1. Begin at the beginning.
Go back to your original vow to remain married for the rest of your lives. “The way to renew a marriage doesn’t begin with a change of emotions,” writes Moeller, “but with an act of will.” The restoration of joy and fulfillment is brought about by living by our promises.
My friends from Bible study who both committed adultery could have claimed they had biblical reasons to divorce, but they made the difficult choice to stick with their original commitment. “It wasn’t easy,” the wife admitted, “but with divorce not being an option, it forced us to work toward reconciliation.”
2. Let go of past hurts.
Barry and I began acknowledging our individual failures and seeking each other’s forgiveness. As the verse in Philippians says, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal.” In this case, our goal was a mutually satisfying union.
I stopped viewing Barry as he could be (which he interpreted as disapproval) and began appreciating him for who he was (among other things, trustworthy and responsible). I realized I actually liked him!
3. Keep going until you get there.
As Moeller stresses again and again: “The only way out is through.” That means no giving up-even in adversity. Our friend Mike, who liked to do everything “right,” learned the hard way that no problem is solved by running from it.
When his wife, Amanda, put up a wall of anger, Mike would console himself by saying, “All I need is Jesus.” But a counselor pointed out that unless his retreating into God’s presence resulted in reaching out to his wife, his actions displeased God. Although he likened it to confronting enemy fire on a battlefield, Mike began reaching out to Amanda. “To me,” she said, “more than all the ‘right’ things he does, that shows me that he loves me.”
4. Dare to believe.
Paul reminds us in Ephesians 3:20-21 that God “is able to do super-abundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think-infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes or dreams” (Amplified). That promise is true for marriages —even when only one partner is willing to change. “There’s always hope,” says writer and speaker Claudia Arp, “because God needs only one heart to begin to work in a relationship.”
Instead of bemoaning a “marriage mistake,” I relinquished my ideas of what makes a satisfying marriage and asked God to give me a servant’s heart toward Barry. Packing his lunch, running errands for him, keeping the driveway swept-I did these things (and still do) because I know Barry views them as proof of my love. Over time he responded by staying home more and choosing to spend time with me.
5. Give it time.
Sigmund Freud said, “Someday, given enough time, we will look back on our lives and discover the most difficult moments have become the most precious to us.” My “someday” came about ten years ago when Barry gave me a ring he wore as a child, a gold band with a diamond and ruby chip. He said, “When we first got married, I didn’t love you. But I do now.” Through my tears I confessed my original lack of love and added, “I love you now, too.”
Did we make a mistake? It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is the love we’ve found from the God who redeems and makes all things new.
This article was featured in the Summer 1997 issue of Marriage Partnership Magazine, which unfortunately, is no longer being printed. But they do have a huge number of archived articles posted on the Todayschristianwoman.com web site. We highly recommend that you visit it to see what you can learn about marriage.
The author of this article, Nancy Kennedy, lives in Inverness, Florida. She is the author of Honey, They’re Playing Our Song (Multnomah/Questar).
(CANADA) Aaaahhhh!! Finally something I can relate to! My husband and I have been married for a LOOONNNGGG 5 months and each is convinced that the marriage is a mistake. It’s my belief that there is little to no compatibility. Why did we get married? I don’t know. I think I just wanted to. He definitely wanted to. So this article gives me hope that perhaps somewhere down the line, this marriage can be a source of joy rather than deep and abiding regret.
I do not love my husband and am not in love with. I have never been in love with him. I thought I could learn to love him but that is proving so very difficult. We’re both believers and so I am hoping GOD will one day change our mourning to dancing. We will likely not be having children which is a pity since we both want some but we don’t want to be bringing them in our poisoned atmosphere.
This article reminds me that GOD who made creation out of nothing, can make something of this marriage.
I so understand the term "divorced marrieds", It’s what my husband wants to work towards and I naturally disagree. To me, either we make this work or we get out entirely. I do not see how GOD could be pleased with us living a lie. In any case, I just wanted to say thank you for writing and publishing this article. I felt like we were the only ones in our particular situation of a loveless marriage (he loves a little, I love less) right at the onset, but I see that we’re not and that gives me hope. Thank you again!
(USA) I once felt like I did not marry the person I was supposed to, but as I released myself from him (the old guy), I began to understand that it would have probably been worse than the one that I have. I could think of other guys and go ‘oh man, I should have gotten with him,” but the point is that even if it could be worse or it could be better with someone else, you are with the one that you are with. In changing your outlook on your husband, and especially if your husband is willing to work on your marriage as well, with Christ, nothing is stopping you from having a wonderful marriage.
But I believe it takes two to make it work. Even so, I have been reading Gary Smalley’s books and they have helped me open my heart to my husband, even though he has not opened up to me b/c of past hurts and things I think that he is projecting onto me. But at least I know that I am doing my part and being what God called me to be in this marriage, and if he is not pleased to stay with me, then I will have to let him go.
But to make your husband responsible for making YOU happy is to place a lot of expectation on the marriage and therefore, disappointment. Start reflecting on the good things about each other – even the things that challenge your thinking.
I remember when I first started dating my now husband, I was very judgmental. His way of thinking really challenged some of my ways for the better. He has made me grow in areas that I hadn’t planned on growing. But nonetheless I am a better person for being stretched. I think it is when one refuses to grow, redevelop, communicate, and give in a marriage, that conflict, unmet expectations, blame, and confusion, and frustration enters the marriage.
I remember for the longest time thinking that marriage was 50/50. But I read somewhere that marriage 100/100. Give 100% to your marriage with God’s direction and use God’s love through you towards your mate and I believe that real love will grow between the two of you. Remember that Christ said, how can you say you love God, who you have not seen and hate your brother – your husband. Love is a Decision (also a book by Gary Smalley).
(USA) You hit it on the money.
(US) I am in the same situation if anyone is willing to conversate with me about this issue please, please converse with me: I know this article is years old so I hope some one responds :) Thank u!
(USA) I hear you loud and clear. You are not alone. I’ve been married five years now and because of our attitudes toward our union we struggle effortlessly toward continuing this marriage. It’s difficult at best but we’re committed on a higher level, which causes us to work on it one more day, just one more day, just one more day. And just one more day at a time has rewarded us the success of many wonderful new revelations and strengths about ourselves and who we are or are not. I confess, I don’t have many answers but I will be here to listen, to share and to help you talk it out or whatever I can do or say to encourage your heart in your marriage. I’m convinced from your tone that you want to win this struggle and not give up.
(UNITED STATES) I understand what your going through, my wife left me 2 months ago and she is more than convinced that we were never compatible and should never have gotten married. I tried to explain to her that there are no real compatible people out there because we are all individuals and the purpose of marriage is not trying to find the right person to love. It is learning to love the person you are with. We are separated right now and there is no real hope of us getting back together. I am going on with my life but also still not giving up on the marriage. I know it seems odd but both can be done. My wife blames me for everything and takes little responsibility for the relationship. Her logic does not make sense.
Her other complaint is that she took on too much responsibility with me and my kids and that it caused her anxiety. On the other hand, she tries to make time to spend time with my kids. Isn’t that one of the sources of your anxiety? I also explained that people just do not fall out of love. Love is a choice and it’s the little things that we do for each other that make people fall in love. I guess all I can do now is just leave her be so she can find herself. I read a comment earlier if I cannot be the one responsible for making her happy. The benefits of all this is that I recreated myself for myself. Between books, videos, people, and prayer I have learned many key things about myself and relationships. It is God’s plan that I must continue to believe in.
(USA) I’m in a “convenient” relationship with my wife of 10 years, where I do the cooking, washing clothes and everyday chores for living. We both were going to school and she graduated and now has a good job. I still have one more year to go before I graduate. Our marriage has been lifeless since we accepted God’s marital vow’s in every area we can think of. I struggle everyday to remain married with her for so many reasons that have sickened my soul. But I remain loyal to God’s vows to stay married even If I never receive what a marriage is supposed to be.
(US) Wow, I have been praying for God to help me through this. I recently got married and have realized that “it was a mistake.” I was proposed to after a month of knowing my husband… and this was after a year of painful relationship. I was weak, and desired to feel pursued. It also didn’t help that everything on paper matched. We were “perfect” for each other and I believed God chose to bless me despite my weaknesses. It took a couple months of engagement to realize we were not good for one another, but it was too late… the wedding had been planned and was a month away. I also thought the feelings were to to wedding jitters.
Now a few months after marriage, I realize that it was my gut telling me that it wasn’t right. What’s worse is that the guy I was interested in before I met my husband has started to contact me. I hate divorce. And desire to love and be loved… but this desire is so strong and I feel that if I had waited for this other man, things could be different. So, where do I go from here?
Trust. God knows me. He knew where I was at and chose to allow this man to come into my life under crazy circumstances. We’re so right for one another on a practical level… it’s just the personality bit that is some work. So is this all to teach me how to love? He choses to love us (the church) despite our lack of love for him. I prayed for God to allow me to see my husband as he sees him. He leaps for my husband’s soul and loves him more than I ever could. I just want some of that… and I want him to feel the same for me. Ah feelings…
There is hope. There has to be. But I agree… no use in living a lie. However, the Father of lies is the one who will try to rip something good apart. Mistake? Who knows. Maybe there could have been somehting easier out there. But, at least with my husband, I am learning things about myself and about how to love another person that I never could with an easy relationship. It’s beautiful. God knows what he is doing. He is in control and works with our mistakes… and yes, he knew we’d make them.
(USA) You should have no contact with this other man. Read the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Bill Harley. It will teach you how to fall in love and create a loving romantic marriage to last a lifetime.
(USA) I am in a similar situation. I love my husband with all my heart but I am afraid I married because I no longer wanted to be alone as a single mom. I have been married 3 months and dated my husband for a year. He was married 3 times before and he is 22 years older than me (57 and 35). I was married once before and I thought my new husband was the love of my life. The problem is that he cannot say this back to me. I know he loves me, but he has admitted to feeling stronger for his 2nd wife who he was with for 15 years.
Now I don’t know what to do. We have kids that are about the same age (7 yrs old) and we are really a family. I don’t want to break up our unit but I don’t want to cheat myself out of meeting the love of my life. Do I pray that one day he will feel the same for me? Or do I leave now? This is an awful situation to be in.
(CANADA) Dear Debbie (sorry but this forum doesn’t allow replying to other comments, odd) I am so sorry to read your post. I feel for you. What changed about your new husband, that you thought he was the love of your life and now you don’t? Did he change? You have to think about why you fell in love with him. You can’t fall out of love with someone in 3 months… can you?
(USA) Wow… I can relate!!! Thanks for article. I’m almost 3 years in marriage and it’s been a process!!! But, I truly believe that it’s all a part of growing pains!!! When I got married I had a fairy tale of what I believed my marriage would be. And now I believe God is showing me reality!!! There is no such thing as "perfect" …a Prince riding up on a horse to carry me off to wonderland! I think I watched a little too much Disney growing up!!! lol…
So, of course when I started to see the reality… it was harsh for me and I felt deceived. I wanted someone more spiritual than me… someone who could teach me spiritually… and it seems like it has been the other way around. But, as I continue to reflect, I see how God is working it for my good. I am growing closer and closer to God with each day. And I know in the end, my husband and I will have a awesome testimony that we will be able to share with others!!! God Bless.
(USA) I am not sure if I got what I was looking for out of this, but I will try to put it into my marriage situation. I am happily married, though it hasn’t been easy. We have been married for 4 1/2 years and have 2 kids. I have been thinking that I married the wrong person and I have been unable to stop thinking about the person I believe that God had in His plans for me. BUT I realize that this is adultery. Yet I can’t stop thinking about what my life would be like now had I choosen the “right” path.
Please, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it! I love my husband, but I don’t know if I have ever been “in love” with him. We don’t believe in divorce and I will make it work, but I need to be able to let go of the what-ifs before I can find the joy in my marriage. Yet I am having a terrible time letting go.
(USA) Hi Jenny. First of all I want to reassure you that your marriage is fine. I believe this fast world and friends, who seem to be doing well, doesn’t make us feel any better. It’s therefore, tempting to think we didn’t choose the right person. The problem is we can never see what happens behind closed doors and see how everyone else actually lives. I have learned this by talking to female friends, relatives and also reading about other people’s experiences on this website.
Not many people are satisfied by their lives- full satisfaction only comes from a good relationship with God who gives us contentment, hope for the future, appreciation and unconditional love for people around us. The “happily ever after” movies and soaps that we watch are not a true representation of the challenges and day to day hardships faced by patient and God-fearing people.
As for me I’ve decided to separate myself from some of these thing because they mess with my head and make me have unrealistic expectations of life in general. Generally relationships seem boring or stagnant with time because we imagine better things that we think should have happened to us. This is a recurring feeling even if you win the lottery today.
I believe you fell in love with your husband and actually married him for the right reasons. The inevitable realities of life obscure the good judgment you made 4 years ago. Please don’t be deceived. The Bible says our battle is not against flesh and blood but the evil spirits that have waged a war against God and want to undermine the sacredness of marriage. Do not worry. We all have marriage problems but it’s good to hang in there and reap the fruits of patience, long-suffering and faithfulness.
There’s no doubt, if you decide to find someone else, you will probably find a different set of worse problems. I suggest you ask God to help you focus on your current life. You will come out a better person and be able to give testimony to others about how your prayers and hard work paid off. I believe the things we enjoy and appreciate the most are those we have worked hard & persevered for. Keep the faith.
(USA) That was a great posting which I will save to read again. I too had doubts about my marriage but passed it off as cold feet. 5 months later I regret it yet I don’t want to divorce because I feel I will hurt my husband/step child terribly, plus our church frowns big time on divorce, and I admit, I am so ashamed because I should have known better and because I should have had the courage to not marry him.
I pray everyday for forgiveness and grace because I feel I have not been honest with myself and with my husband. I wish I had never married him. I love him but now realize I am not in love with him. It became painfully clear that even though we both have the same values and believe in God deeply, we are so different in other areas. I now know that if I want the quality of life I desire, it’s going to be soley up to me and this is burdensome. I feel my life is over and I’m beginning to feel dying is the only way out. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see a way out.
(USA) I know how you feel. I married fast and when I proposed to my girlfriend I thought it was right. We set a date to get married and started the required meetings with the priest. We did so much planning and put so much time into it I just couldn’t tell her I didn’t feel the same way about her. I mean she is lovely and sweet, but there was something telling me i wasn’t happy and I just couldn’t break it off in fear of making her sad.
At the wedding I was going through the motions and the next day I cried. I always go back in my mind and think if I broke it off would I be happier? I know that is not a healthy way to think. I am just waiting on the Lord. If He wants me to stay I will. I don’t see how He would want me to leave a woman and child (hers) in need just for my happiness.
Life still goes on but sometimes I feel I’m living a lie. I just hope and pray for a revelation. I shared with my wife my unsurety and it hurts her but she knows i love her-just not the way I really want to love my wife -I want to with all my heart.
(USA) I will pray for you sister. I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. I would really pray and open your heart to Gods will for your life. I know you didn’t really want to marry him, but God can make things better. Also, God wants to give you peace in your heart. He doesn’t want you to suffer.
Sometimes I ask myself what is more important my happiness or making others happy and sacrificing mine- isn’t that an example of Jesus? This of course is if you are not suffering. Maybe you have changed a bit since this letter or maybe not. I just pray you will have peace and follow Gods word. He will either make it work or give you a way out but we have to be connected to Him. Peace to you sister.
(USA) I will never divorce my husband and have never considered this as as an option. I know it would be worse than my first mistake. When we married, I had hesitations because I felt God wanted me to be a single missionary. My husband also wanted to be a missionary. We have had a very good marriage all these years.
But in the last year and a half we have had a terrible experience regarding our dear oldest son. I now feel so much regret and wish I had “listened to God” and never married because of what came of our union. I am having trouble caring for my other children and have lost all confidence and often feel hopeless. There are times I feel it truly would have been better to remain single and serve God alone than to live with this terrible sense of failure and feeling like I have completely missed my calling. I cannot seem to get past this and move on. I am often on the verge of tears and feel nothing good can come from this. I really want to be a good wife and mother but I feel like a complete failure. Thanks for listening.
(USA) I needed to read this today. My husband and I have been married for 21 years and have had a rocky marriage from the start. We should not have gotten married. But I was pregnant and we felt it was the right thing to do in the sight of God. I love my husband and have from day one. We have had our fights and arguments and things seem to get better for a while. We have 6 wonderful children God has blessed us with. But we are still both very unhappy. He finally told me last night that he did not like me, he did not love me, and that he hated me. A big part of the hate is because I did not get along with his mother and he feels I was putting a wedge between them. I guess I was but didn’t realize it til now. For a week now I have been doing a lot of fasting and praying and crying. And I have come to the realization that God would not have us divorce and IS ABLE to heal our marriage.
I think of the verse where it says “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves and pray, I will hear their prayer and heal their land.” I truly believe that can be for marriages also. I have also realized that I have not been the wife I should have been for my husband, and have repented of my sins, and rededicated my life back to the Lord. I do believe that GOD can and wants to heal our marriage and that HE has big plans for it. I am going to love my husband, no matter if he ever loves me. I have to give an account to God one day. He says if he doesn’t learn to become friends, and learn to love me, then he is going to file for divorce. So I ask you all to pray with me earnestly that I can be the Godly woman and wife, He would have me to be so that my husband and I can have a very happy fulfilling life the rest of our lives, or until Jesus comes back. Thank you for listening.
(USA) Penny, Praise God that you have new eyesight into your marriage! How I pray that God will open your husband’s eyes to the possibilities as well (with God all things are possible), and that he doesn’t put restrictions onto reconciling by limiting it with his own timetable. You will both need to give each other grace for mistakes. They will still be made. But prayerfully, as you build upon the good, that which shouldn’t be, won’t seem quite as monumental, and you can work on trying to not let it happen again.
I had never looked at 2 Chronicles 7:14 in that way before, but it sure seems appropriate that it can be applied to any territory where the Lord should be put first. How much we have to be thankful for, with the Lord and His healing grace!
Please know that I and many others, I’m sure, are praying for you and your husband and your marriage.
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I’ve been married 32 years. I tried for 27 years to please my mother-in-law. My husband never stood up to her or had my back. Many men are like this with their mom and it creates ill-will in the wife and problems in the marriage relationship. Many times the problem between wife and mother-in-law is due to the husband not “leaving all others (mommy) and cleave only to your wife” as God intended.
As women, we blame ourselves, and take the blame from our husbands. I think the problem between you and she might end if hubby would do the hard thing; set boundaries and then intentionally maintain boundaries with her, let her know what is not acceptable. It takes maturity. My husband could never do this even in his late 50’s, now his mother is dead, and he can never make it right, and it makes it difficult for me to respect him.
Great insight. I pray that somehow God will help you to eventually release what your husband didn’t do so you can totally let God convict him to the point of sorrow over the loss that came about as a result. I hope that despite the heartache you have suffered over this matter that you will look to see what you can do together now and in the future to improve your marriage, now that your mother-in-law is no longer around to cause more division. You’re right that it was your husband’s responsibility. I hope that even now, he wakes up, and is able to someday help other men to not make this same mistake of clinging too closely to a parent, after marriage. We’re all sinners, and we sure need each other to help us go in better directions. I pray that the mistakes that were made for 27 years can be redeemed by God somehow. Your sharing what you did may help some who will read your comment. Thanks for sharing your life experience.
(USA) THANK YOU so much for your prayers. I truly believe that verse is not just for the Isrealites but for all God’s children. That verse kept coming over and over to my mind when I was doing a lot of soul searching and praying and fasting. I truly believe that if I repent and turn away from the things that was causing my marriage problems… GOD will hear and WILL heal our marriage.
I had to make a lot of things right this weekend and only through GOD’s grace could I. I can only move forward and be the Christian wife and mother God has had for me all alone. I know I will fail but I now know that GOD is there to lift me up when I stumble. Keep praying for us please. Thank you SO much.
(USA) Please pray for me. I am going through this right now. I have been married 7 months and it has been horrible for the most part. I trust God and I am thankful that I am married to a man that loves the Lord. I know it will be find I just need a little more strength. Thank you for your prayers.
(SOUTH AFRICA.) I have just been married for 5 months but I’ve cried most of the time. I fell in love with my husband and we dated for a year before getting married.However during that year I found out he was cheating on me with a number of girls. And a lot of bad things. He apologized the first time when I threatened to leave him so I took him back believing he would change.But he never did; he actually got worse that he never cared at all about what I felt.
Since we were already engaged I was scared to break off the engagement ..so we went ahead with wedding preparations but inside of me was con viced was getting married to a wrong person since I had even lost all the love for him. I should also mention that along the way while I was hurting and in pain I met a man who I felt was my soul mate, but our relationship could not work because it was too late. My wedding was in 4 months.
I’m now 4 months pregnant and he still treats me bad, cheating and never appreciated anything I do and this makes me think of the other guy…wondering “what if” but everyday I ask God to give me and for patience and strength to make my marriage work coz am not considering divorce for an option. Someone please talk to me – how do I make it work by myself because he seems not to care at all. I need to love and accept him even though he hurts me.
(MIDDEL EAST) I got married 5 months ago. There were so many issues during the engagement period where I should have gotten out but I got dragged with social embarrassments and I continued. I am trying to compensate and live a civil life but it is hard for me. Sometimes I feel she is happy with me but other times I feel she is not. Personally, I am not happy and try to be as civil as I can, most of the time I am acting. I will give it a try but don’t know where this will end up.
(NIGERIA) Just keep strong and stay as the mature man of the house. Have a one on one chat and go back to the day you loved her and the things you saw that made you love her. Discuss your likes and dislikes, and pray without ceasing.
(CANADA) Mirella, Susan and Jack and others who find themselves with discouragement in their marriage: Dear Child of God, Be aware of what kind of thinking that you come into agreement with when you are vulnerable, feeling discouraged or overwhelmed. Don’t come into agreement with hopelessness or a “resignation to a life that “is less” …because Jesus came to bring fulfillment to our lives, and restore our lives to experience communion with Him that we lost “in the Garden.”
You have made a union in marriage that is a covenant promise with your spouse and the Lord; it is a serious commitment before God. He wants to bring life and promise to this union.
He will transform you, if you will submit your heart to His processes. If you will give your heart over to Jesus and His ways you are going to find that He will build a capacity for love and understanding in you through this very difficulty.
Always Hope in God! If you love the Lord and are His child then you want His mind and heart in the matter. Ask Him, “Lord what do you want to cultivate in my life?” You will hear something in your spirit like, “love, peace, patience, faithfulness, understanding…”
And you can agree with Him. This is what interactive prayer is, talking to Jesus and listening for the counsel of the Holy Spirit. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as Lord in your life, then He has put His Spirit within you, and will commune/talk with you deep inside daily! Imagine- you get the counsel of the One who has created all of heaven and earth …and the One who has intimately created both you and your spouse! (See Psalm 139 to find out how close His thoughts are towards you everyday.)
Pray something like, “Lord if this difficult situation is how You are going to begin to do Your work, then I submit my feelings, thoughts and will to Your processes. I actively HOPE IN YOU, and will trust the power of Your active love working through my life submitted to You. I will begin to make a way for Your to work in my life by giving You praise and thanksgiving, because ‘praise and thanksgiving” make a way for you to move, act and respond in my life. (See Psalm 50:23) AMP
“Then I will agree that You give me everything I need for life and godliness, (*see II Peter 1:2-8) AMP and I will ask you how you want my heart, thinking and actions to line up with what You say through Your Word. Thank you Jesus for giving me Hope today! Amen.”
And my prayer for you: “May grace, God’s favour and peace, which is perfect well-being, necessary good, spiritual prosperity and freedom from fears, agitating passions and moral conflicts be multiplied to you in the full and personal knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.” (II Peter 1:2)
Prayer response to three articles: “Marriage Message #60- Embrace through Prayer”, “Respect Your Husband even if you don’t think He Deserves It”, and “Did we make a Mistake in Marrying?”
(USA) Hello. I am a pastor, and I am going through the same thing. I think it was a big mistake to marry the woman who is my wife now. Right now, I wished I was dead, although she is there, I live alone in this house. I do not want to put down anyone’s faith, but there are things that will take a little bit more than just prayer. I mean serious and constant therapy, professional help and support. I also think what would have happened if I had married the other girl.
When I think about death, I smile and wish it would come soon. The only reason why I have not killed myself is because it will kill my family, my mother, dad, and brothers. We just finished a long conversation in which I asked her what do you think we can change to make things better, to which she responded, that she has nothing to change, but I have a lot to change.
She is a pastor’s daughter, well respected and she herself is a pastor. I have lost my faith in God and the desires to live. Yes, I am a pastor. We also go through “hell and hot water.” When you have the chance, remember to pray for J. Maybe God will hear you, because He does not seem to be listening to me.
Jonathan, What you’ve shared is more common than may you think for couples in the pastoral ministry. And I can certainly understand how/why you are struggling in your faith right now. God may “appear” silent in your problems, but I can assure you (from my own personal experience) that when He appears to not be working is when He is working the hardest on our behalf. You just can’t see it yet. You also definitely need someone you can confide in who understands the demands, pressures and situation you are experiencing. One of the big issues for you is that you feel you have to remain silent because if it “comes out” it could ruin your ministry and crush your family.
I encourage you to contact the pastoral care ministry of Focus On The Family at http://www.parsonage.org. While your wife may not be willing to seek counseling, you NEED to start talking with someone, and these people can help because they’ve been in your shoes.
You have to understand that when you chose to serve Christ as a pastor you were “marked by the devil” to take down any way he could destroy your ministry. This is spiritual warfare. I believe God is calling you to be The Hero in your marriage; that you will make the stand and never retreat – never give up in the face of the attacks of the enemy of your faith. You need to pray the Armor of God around you and your wife every day and explore very possible avenue of help.
Satan is really turning up the heat on you because he thinks you are about to crumble. Stand firm and rebuke him and declare that he will NEVER destroy your marriage or your ministry because you are a child of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lord’s. You have been bought and paid for through the blood of Christ and because of that satan has no authority over you or anyone in your household.
You need some men who can be your prayer intercessors who can help hold your arms up during the battle when you are too weak to do it yourself. As of right now I will be one of them who will intercede for you. So, I expect you to report back as others in this forum will be praying for you as well, Jonathan. “Do not become weary in well doing; for you will reap a harvest if you do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9) -Steve Wright
(NIGERIA) I really appreciate the carefully detailed marital struggles that different couples go through as enumerated here. Mine is not an exemption either. My marriage right now is similar to that of Barry’s first 10 years! My wife loves me so well and if I must be candid, unconditionally.
However, I strongly believe I am the problem in our marriage! My wife is a godly woman possessing virtually 90% of the qualities of a good wife. I don’t return the love because she is not my intellectual equal, though she is a university graduate. I had always loved to be (spend my life) with a highly intelligent woman and that dream was shattered when she became pregnant. As I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, the act culminated in marriage. That seems to be the only drawback I hold against her.
I hate myself for this callous mental state of mine and have struggled to get over it for a long time now. I am so selfish in the marriage that it has become a thorn in my side. I have asked God to give me another heart to love her unconditionally in return. The angst, which may have obfuscated my right thinking soul is a possible cause. I am believing that this trying moment is a training path for us and our marriage will be great. We are blessed with three beautiful children.
(USA) To Trevor in Nigeria: Trevor, please consider the reason why you married your wife, as a motivator when you may feel poorly about the relationship. Also, I have noticed that everyone is an intellectual when it comes to certain things. So, what is it that your wife is good at? Try to focus on that, in order to gain more respect for her intellectual strengths.
For example, I am a graduate of a university, and for a long time only spoke to people that I believed were “smart”. However, I have come to understand that people are smart in different ways. One person may not have a degree, but are excellent at budgeting. Another, may not be able to do a particular calculation, but they are very good at organizing things. There is a theory called “multiple intelligences” that educators are learning about for the same reason. People are “intelligen” in different ways. I hope that this helps.
(USA) Dear Steve: Thank you so much. I just can’t believe someone cares; thank you very much. I will call and write to the web site you gave me. I need to speak. Thank you so much for the advice, the words and the verse. Thank you for the prayers. I will contact focus on the family and will report back.
I hope they have a retreat for pastors or something similar. A few days ago, I was hospitalized with pains in my chest. I did not want to leave the hospital and go back to church or home. In the hospital I was well treated. I felt once more like a human being. I would like to put myself in a place like that, if they have a retreat I will go.
Thank you all, thank you Steve wright. I will report back, say those who are praying for me, thank you as well. Things have not changed around here, but I feel better to know some one cares. Thank you, and thank you all for sharing. Jonathan
(AMERICA) Hi, My husband and I have been married about 2 and a half months. I am 8 months pregnant and I cannot help but think it was a mistake. We used to get along perfect, until we moved in together. He has always had bad relationships in the past and I have never really had one that I took seriously.
He treats me like I’m a dog, he says the most hateful things to me and on a smaller level. He calls me fat when I’m not, I’m pregnant and have only gained 20 pounds in 8 months! He used to never be like this but the other day he told me he resented me. I am in school, full time, 23 and cannot get a job right now because I am pregnant and will not have the time when the baby comes. Again, he knew I was in school when we got into this and I told him I had to finish before I did anything.
He tells me everyday that he hates living with me and would rather be with someone else. Two days ago he said there were a ton of people sexier than me. I modeled and was nice looking, or I thought so until he had something to do with it. And yes, he has gotten violent with me.
I love him. When he is good it is great, but I do not know what to do. I want to be together for our family but I don’t think I can handle it. I’m also without a job and 8 months pregnant. I used to be a strong person but not anymore. I go to sleep every night crying. I’m not sure if it is the hormones or if it is legit emotions. We never talk and he doesn’t want to have sex with me because I’m “big” and pregant. I am 5’11 and weigh 170, again, I’m pregnant!! Please send me some advice… I’m all out of mine. Blue skies
Hi Chrissy how are things going? Jesus loves you and laid down His life for you, He does not want anyone to be violent to you. In this circumstance you can seek God to show you what to do maybe He will lead you to seperate to a safe place if you are being beaten. Please let me know what has happened. Praying for you. ~Laura