As guys, we all need some time out with the boys, hockey, golf, cards, whatever, just to shoot the breeze. Our friends meet needs that can’t be met by wives, kids or coworkers. We need the camaraderie, the jokes, the friendly competitions, and someone to watch the big game with. A man’s friends can help us blow off the steam created by the pressures of life.
A Man’s Friends
On the other hand, friendships can have a dark side if they’re not chosen wisely. Sadly, I have counseled many marriages that have been shipwrecked because of things the husband has done when he was out with the boys.
A real friendship is so much more than just hanging out, watching hockey and shooting pool. If we allow them to, a good friend has the power to be a tremendous source of strength in our life. God loves to use good friends to bring the best out of us. Here are some suggestions for getting the most out of a man’s friends.
Set the bar high for your own life
Each of us has a choice to make in terms of what we expect out of our friendships with others. You see, some may be content with just hanging out with the boys after a game. It’s fine just throwing the ball around, getting dirty, having some laughs, pounding a few brews back and then going home. For many that’s enough; that’s what friendship is. But if you want something more for your life, you have to go after it. You need to find people who are looking for the same.
Do you want to have a better marriage? Or do you want to let it slide? Do you want to be a good Dad? Or do you just stand by frustrated while your kids go sideways? Set the bar high for yourself. Ask God what He still needs to do in your life. Then, commit to being a person of character and integrity, and build friendships with people who you know will help you get there.
Choose your friends wisely
It’s an old adage, but it’s still true: a bad apple wrecks the whole lot. You will become like those you hang around with. Look to the people you spend the most time with. In essence, you become the average of your five closest friends. They are a good indicator of the kind of person you are going to become.
That’s why it is so critical to choose those friends wisely. Be careful on surrounding yourself with people who are going to bring you down. They can possibly pull you away from your family and from what you know is right. Decide to bring people around you who are going to lift you in some way. These are friends who will challenge you and help you grow as a person, as a husband and as a father. Every man needs friends who are going to make them stronger. There are a lot of things in life we have no control over. But we do have the ability to decide who we spend our time with and who we are going to be the closest to. Look for those who will strengthen your convictions and not draw you towards compromise.
A Man’s Friends Influence for Bad or Good
We hear a lot about the dangers of kids falling into the wrong crowd. Peer pressure leads them down roads that they shouldn’t be going down. What we often don’t realize is that the same thing happens as adults. I have worked with many couples who are fighting over, and even breaking up over what one partner did with his or her friends. If that describes your situation, you need to make things right with your spouse. You need to put some boundaries in place so that it doesn’t happen again. Don’t defend stupid, selfish behavior.
Now, does this mean that you have to shut people out of your life if they don’t measure up? Absolutely not. In fact, maybe you can be the friend in their life who helps them to grow to their true potential. But this is not the kind of friend that you should spend most of your time with. This is not the kind of friend you should go to for advice. For that, you need a friend that you admire. A good friend is someone who inspires you to be your best.
Be willing to share
Okay guys, I know what you’re thinking. Oh, here we go. This is where he tells me to get in touch with my feelings. I’m supposed to sit around in a circle with my friends, hugging and weeping.
Well, good news: you don’t have to go that far. But to really experience the benefits that good friendships can bring, you do need to be willing to let your guard down. You need to open up more. Share your life goals, and even take the risk of talking about where you’re falling short of them. This seems dangerous. That is because we somehow think that we’re the only one with problems. But as we courageously let others see this side of us, we will discover that they are struggling too. Then we can support each other to begin to make the changes we know are needed. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” A good friend brings the best out of you, always helping you do what’s right.
A Man’s Friends and Being Upfront
For the past fourteen years, I have been meeting weekly with my friend Larry. He’s been bringing the best out of me. I’m not afraid to tell Larry that I want a better marriage. And he’s not afraid to admit that he wants a better marriage too. And most guys, if they are willing to get that vulnerable, would admit that. No one gets married saying, “I want a shoddy marriage.” Everybody wants a good marriage and family life, but no one finds it easy. So we can relate to each other on this level and help each other through the battles, because we’ve all been there.
You may not be used to sharing with other guys in this way. That’s okay. It takes time to develop trust —a feeling that this is a safe place to expose who I really am. But as you take that risk and work towards openness, you will experience the benefits.
Be accountable
Let’s go one step further. A good friendship provides a safe place to share our deepest struggles. The temptation, though, is to keep things safe. Supporting a friend does not mean excusing or enabling behavior patterns that need to change. A real friend is not afraid to share hard truth in a sensitive manner. Remember, “as iron sharpens iron.” This only happens as we courageously speak into other people’s lives with our cautions and counsel. And it happens when we give them permission to do the same for us.
For example, suppose your friend is struggling with workaholism. He’s fixated on getting ahead in his career and pleasing his boss. He does this to the point where he’s beginning to neglect his family. It would be easy to keep things comfortable by saying, “Well, I’m sure your family understands. And it’s not like you can quit your job. You’re doing the best you can. Just get through this busy period. And then you can focus more on the family.”
That may make him feel good, but it doesn’t address the fact that there is a real problem here. If we want to help each other grow as husbands and fathers, we need to be prepared to ask each other the tough questions. What effect is this overwork having on your relationship with your wife and kids? Does the way you are spending your time match what you say your priorities are? What changes could you make so that you are meeting your legitimate work obligations while also being home more for your family? How can I pray for you? And how can I help you in this?
A Man’s Friends and Foundational Trust
This is a level of friendship that most guys never experience. Again, it takes time to get there. It’s built on a mutual commitment to go deep, and on a foundation of trust based on the knowledge that we truly want the best for one another.
One final note concerning a man’s friends:
You may be wondering why your wife can’t just play this role in your life. Isn’t it enough that you have to be accountable to her? Definitely, you and your wife have invaluable roles to play in spurring one another on in your character development and family commitment. Nevertheless, it’s important that you each have friends of the same sex to work your personal issues with. There are temptations that you face as a man that your wife can’t fully understand. You may even have issues that you need help facing. (These include sexual temptations, pornography, etc.) They could cause too much strain in your marriage if your wife was the one keeping you accountable. That’s why a close friend is truly indispensable.
I am encouraged because I see this kind of friendship growing in popularity in today’s society. And with the temptations that assault us on a daily basis, it’s absolutely critical to have someone to walk through life with if we want to stay on a godly path. Regarding a man’s friends, if you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you keep on getting what you’ve always got. Take the risk. Go deep. And go out with the boys with real purpose. As it says in Ecclesiastes 4:10, “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”
This article was written in 2003, by Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos (Permission to reprint given by the Power to Change ministry.)
(USA) I could totally relate to this. My husband of almost 9 years runs an operation and has hired his friends, so even when he’s done with work, he still hangs around at the office, or goes to have lunch with them, they go have dinner. It is so annoying! He always wants to be going out with them mind you, they have no girlfriends nor kids and live at home with their parents. Mind you, my husband and I have two children together, have lived together for 5 years and we own a home. None of our responsibilities seem to compare with theirs, and I feel like he’s becoming more and more like them! Even when he’s not at work, he’s on the phone with them, texting with them through group messages or posting arrogant things on facebook getting other female’s attention. Please pray for me. I am at my breaking point.
(BAHAMAS) Please be encouraged. I’m going through the same thing with my husband and his friends. The sad part is that my husband’s friends are married. But, you couldn’t tell it though. Keep praying. It’s satan’s plan to destroy our marriages, our lives, and our children’s lives so that our impact and influence in this world will be mediocre. Because my husband has spiritual scales over his eyes and his spiritual walk has declined, I’ve begun looking to God as my husband while praying for my husband. This has made it much easier to bear.
I know it’s frustrating, but hang in there. Keep praying, believing, and pressing on okay.
My husband hangs with a man all the time that is not a good guy. He will jump at this friends every command even if it means upsetting me. He calls me controlling when it comes to his friend but interrupts our plans whenever this friend calls or needs him. I’m ready to get out of this marriage.
What about when the friendship turns into a romance and takes the place of the wife? He doesn’t see it as a problem, but I have been pushed out of my marriage.
What do you do if you husband has a “bad friend” that is a fellow believer? My husband thinks that his friend is filled with so much wisdom, and has been his accountability partner etc. However, although this friend claims to be a Christian brother he is downright mean, has made it clear as day he doesn’t like me (and is constantly rude to me) and takes full advantage of my husband. They were roommates so first it was monetarily, then it was manipulation in the friendship, always guilting him, and making him feel like a horrible friend.
My husband is constantly making excuses for his friend, but I’ve had enough. I can’t sit back and watch with my mouth shut. My husband gets extremely defensive if I ever try to talk to him about it. I’ve kept my mouth shut so that it does not look like I’m trying to be his “mother” but he needs to know that there is no love or Christ shown through his friend even though he likes to preach all day long and thinks he is perfect. Not only has some of his bad qualities rubbed off on my husband, but my husband has kept quiet when his friend is rude to me.
We all used to be friends, but I decided a long time ago that he was not the type of person I wanted to associate with, and he has caused tension in our marriage ever since the beginning, even when we were dating. So although it is not my place to judge someone’s walk with the Lord, I call it how I see it… If you claim to be a Christian, but don’t live it out you are a hypocrite.
So my question is, how do I bring this to my husbands attention? Is this something I’m supposed to live with forever?
Have you thought of asking your pastor? This is one of those areas where pastors can be quite wise. This is one of those areas where Jesus said, “Let no man separate you.” This man is definitely causing division between you. I know guys can be loyal, and I know your husband may not think this is as big of a deal to him, as it is to you… but when another person causes division in a marriage, then that friend needs to be minimized (or eventually gone). Through the years my husband and I have had a few friends like what you describe. As hard as it has been, we have backed away either slowly, or fast (depending upon the circumstance) to honor our spouse who is offended in some way.
You ask how you would bring this to your husband’s attention. I would advise you to approach it carefully. But first you need to prepare yourself (if I may be so bold to suggest). I call it the “Queen Esther Approach.” If you recall, in the Bible, Queen Esther had a HUGE problem, which she needed to discuss with her husband. But she also knew that there was a right way, and a wrong way to approach him so the situation could be brought out into the light and taken care of. What you need are the right RESULTS –not to BE right.
Queen Esther fasted and prepared her heart with God in prayer, and adjusted her countenance according to what God showed her so she could approach her husband the best way possible. God led her to be very respectful, cool and calm as she spoke. I truly believe, because she was bathed in prayer, He honored her by paving the way both before she approached her husband and then afterward as He spoke to her husband’s sense of reasoning. But you need to realize that even if you use this approach, you may STILL not get the results you want –just as Queen Esther knew she was taking this risk. However, it would be better to do this God’s way than yours or mine. You have much more of a chance that you’ll get a better result.
When I have a serious problem with my husband I spend time in prayer and ask the Lord to show me how and when to approach him in the way that has the potential to get the best results. It may not be in such a way that I think I should approach him –but more important than what I think, I want to do things the right and best way to get the right RESULTS –with God leading the way. I hope you will consider this.
Another important point to consider as you approach your husband is to make sure that you don’t do it during a time when you should H.A.L.T. — which would be a time when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. There’s more vulnerability to be less tolerant during those times. As author Scott Stanley says about approaching during a vulnerable time, “A number of studies demonstrate that we tend to give people more benefit of the doubt [and grace] when we’re in a good mood and less benefit of the doubt when in a bad mood [or one of the above factors is in play]. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive whatever your partner says or does more negatively, no matter how positive he or she is trying to be.”
So, the point is, to ask God to help you to discern when would be the best time to talk with your husband. You may still get a negative reaction from him, but there’s less of a chance of it if you pick a better time to make your approach. I’ve found that when I’ve done this, I am wiser, meeker (the definition of meekness is “strength under control”) and more aware of approaching my husband in a respectful and loving matter. It’s an approach that takes into account how I could say things in a way that he might be more receptive to truly listening to what I am trying to communicate and won’t have as much of a chance of slamming his ears shut because he feels I’m trying to shame him, blame him, and humiliate him. My point isn’t to dump my raw feelings upon him — especially the first time I approach him, but rather to have him know that I care about him and our relationship and I’m concerned as a loving wife.
That is my prayerful 2 cents… ask your pastor. No, you don’t have to live with this forever, but be careful of how you approach your husband. Speak the truth in love. Remember that he has history with this guy. And he thinks this guy is wise. He may be wise for someone else but not for you and not for this. This is causing division and he needs to honor you. Just try to approach this as carefully as you can, in a softened, but firm manner. I hope this helps.
Thank you LORD for this responce & thank you for saying these things, GOD BLESS YOU.
Thank you for your words…. it couldn’t have been said better. I try to remember the praying wife of the movie “War Room” but it is so difficult to do when you are angry.
I’ve been separated from my husband for a year now. And he has been calling me and wanting to work things out. But, I have a mistrust issue, as he allowed infidelity, drugs and his friends get in the way of our marriage. I am trusting God that he will work everything out. Thank you!
Sounds fair but I an surprised that you didn’t go in deeper about why a lukewarm Christian, 54 yrs old, wants to hang around with an alcoholic, pot smoking 27 yr old who always brags about the different girls he is “doing” and even drags my husband to the ‘cheetah’s” stripper–>completely nude bar in San Diego where he finds his numerous loose adulterous sex partners!
I’ve caught this guy lying for my husband and now my husband lies most of the time to me! The first thing you should have mentioned is that no husband, Christian or not, should be hanging around a single girl chasing guy or guys half his age. A husband should not even be listening to this wild womanizing youths sexual escapades; plus next trying to copy or desire such the same lifestyle or rousing even a fantasy of such. Darkness has no fellowship with light; so no Christian should even associate with such a person except for ministering the word of God and corrections to this lost soul.
Now with my husband is on pot and is acting out in a horrible adulterous ways; and his cruel, abusive mouth has started again as he did in the past when he was on weight lifters steroids …and pot to boot! Hearing his cruel mouth telling me to find someone else & “I don’t neeeeeeed you!” get a divorce & “I want my life back!” is just the pure torture I prayed I’d never hear again, but now he’s killing me with daily terrorizing. “I could just walk out on you right now!” verbal abuse and more! The things he comes up with to shout at me is surely from the pit of hell! And by the way he’s always on facebook posting attention getting pictures boasting of his warrior days in Afghanistan and is girl collecting fans that way. And also by the help that his young friend looks just like “thor” in the movie w the actor ‘kristin hemsworth’: and ironically my husband’s friend is also named Kristian who is a real female magnet as well. After 25 yrs of this battle over lies, cheating & pot I feel dead! Massive amounts of prayers from the righteous ones may help.
Sounds fair but I am surprised that you didn’t go in deep about why a lukewarm Christian 54 yr old wants to hang around with a alcoholic, pot smoking 27 yr old who always brags about the different girls he is “doing” and even drags my husband to the ‘cheetah’s” stripper, completely nude bar where he finds these his numerous loose adulterous sex partners! I have caught this guy lying for my husband and now my husband lies most of the time to me!
The first thing you should have mentioned is that no husband, Christian or not, should be hanging around a single girl chasing guy or guys half his age. A husband should not even be listening to this wild womanizing youths sexual escapades, plus next trying to copy or desire such the same lifestyle or rousing even a fantasy of such. Darkness has no fellowship with light; so no Christian should even associate with such a person except for ministering the word of God and corrections to this loss soul.
Now with my husband on pot he is acting out in a horrible, adulterous way and his cruel abusive mouth has started again as he did in the past when he was on weight lifters steroids …and pot to boot! Hearing his cruel mouth telling me to find someone else & “I don’t neeeeeeed you!” get a divorce & “I want my life back!” is just the pure torture I prayed I’d never hear again, but now he’s killing me with daily terrorizing “I could just walk out on you right now!” verbal abuse and more! The things he comes up with to shout at me is surely from the pit of hell! And btw he’s always on facebook posting attention getting picture boasts of his warrior days in Afghanistan and is girl collecting fans that way, and also by the help that his young friend looks just like “Thor” in the movie w the actor ‘Kristin hems worth’: and ironically my husband’s friend is also named Kristian who is a real female magnet as well.
After 25 yrs of this battle over lies, cheating & pot I feel dead! Massive amounts of prayers from the righteous ones may help.
Interestingly, my husband and I are newlyweds. My husband is 45 and has been best friends with his BFF since they were 10 years old. They also own several businesses together. It would be very difficult to separate them, but I have begun to notice that it needs to happen; my husband’s best friend leads a very negative lifestyle, as he isn’t spiritual, has a predisposition to violence, may suffer mental illness, and is married to a woman who is sexually inappropriate and materialistic. This friend has a loveless marriage that lacks any connection to God.
I don’t believe that my husband and this friend have anything in common anymore, nor have they for years. This man turned a blind eye to problems my husband had in the past and refused to help him, and also, he verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuses my husband. He drags my husband down to his level when they’re together and holds my husband back from his full potential. I have felt guilty for feeling like they should part ways but this article helped me to see that I’m not wrong, nor am I being selfish. My husband stands to lose a lot of money by cutting ties with this man but I don’t care in the least!
I love my husband. I’ll choose his spiritual health over money any day. I know that this friend of his will cause trouble and put us through the ringer. Obviously, this friend isn’t a true friend. I also fear that my husband will be afraid to make such a change in his life. But I know from characters in the Bible that it’s never too late to change. I guess I just need to pray to find a way to help my husband out here.
Should a married man. Spend most of his time with single friends who want to hang out in clubs and stay out literally all night?
No
A married man should have more wisdom than that. That behaviour is not fair to his wife/kids. Pray to GOD through the Name and Blood of JESUS.
It sounds like he hasn’t understood the seriousness of marriage. Marriage is so important and deeply impacting. It is the foundation, the structure, the roof – the entire shelter for the raising of healthy, happy, Godly children and a wonderful forever after for the wife/husband. It should be given the time and respect that it deserves to see it reach the potential that GOD intended. We have been entrusted with so much as married people yet we mistreat it.
satan parades as an angel of light. The world is addictive and full of bright lights but not all that glitters is gold. Your husband needs to learn to value you (and time spent with you) more than all other things…except GOD and time spent with HIM.
Perhaps you can suggest reading the BIBLE together, going to CHURCH together, participating in after CHURCH activities and maybe even hosting dinner for fellow CHURCH members. It will get him used to being around CHRISTIAN men his age and he will begin to like it and begin to be positively influenced by them. But above all PRAY FOR YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN/FUTURE CHILDREN. With all my love, Unan xx GOD BLESS
Beautiful. Thank you.
How do you feel about married men having single friends? Is it healthy for the relationship?
We don’t see any problem as long as they are supportive of your marriage and they aren’t trying to draw the husband into single activities that could hurt the closeness that a husband and wive should have. If they threaten the sanctity of the marriage, then they are no longer friends, but are adversaries to the marriage. The husband needs to find a way to distance himself.
My husband and I have both had single friends while we’re married (still do) and there is no problem. These friends are supportive of both of us, respectful of our marriage and are assets to our lives. When you marry, you don’t have to give up the friends you had before marriage as long as they remain good friends who don’t taint the marriage in some way. You can still spend time together, as long as it doesn’t draw the one spouse away from being totally committed to the other spouse and to the marriage.
We’ve had to distance ourselves from friends like this. We have fond memories of who they were to us in the past, but realize that they just can’t be a part of our lives now because our lifestyles clash. We can be casual friends, but not ones that spend much time together any longer (unless they change into being marriage-friendly friends). I hope this helps.
My husband and I are both Christians and been married for over 13 years. He has a friend whom is divorced and I think he is a Christian but not sure. He has been friends with him since high school. They don’t hang out as much as they used to but the guy calls often and wants my husband to come hang out. Probably once a week. This guy has no filter and talks so loud. I have a problem with him. My husband and I argued about him spending time with him because my husband stays so late.
I don’t know what to do. In 2015 to 2016 this guy called constantly and was at my house late. While I tried to get my children to bed. My husband sees nothing wrong with that. I moved on and forgave him but now he is not working and bugging my husband again. Am I being a nagging wife because I feel like he is going to hang out with my husband too much and my husband will get mad and yell at me. I need advice and prayer. His friend doesn’t drink or anything. He is not wild. I just think it should be limited time.
Elizabeth, It appears that this friend is lonely, has extra time on his hands and sees your husband as someone he can hang with to occupy his time. If he isn’t a bad influence on your husband, this friendship isn’t as bad as it could be. But even so, it appears to be more intrusive than you are comfortable with. I probably would feel the same way. When you’re raising a family, especially, there isn’t enough husband and wife quiet time together, so this can be more than you’d want to have going on right now.
This guy really needs to find other friends that are single and have extra time on their hands, as well. Perhaps you and your husband can compromise and have him only hang out with him once every 2 weeks instead of every week, and put a time limit on how long he would stay at the house… like not past 10:00 or so. Eventually the guy will move on… hopefully… probably. Give your husband permission to use you as his excuse — that you feel it is taking time away from you and the family and he’s doing this to keep peace in the home.
Try to approach the subject during a time, which isn’t a H.A.L.T. Time… when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Try to soften your approach and tell your husband that you are willing to work with him on this, but that this guy bugs you and makes you uncomfortable. You want things more peaceable and have quieter time together in the evenings. I would pray about this and ask God to help you to be wise in your approach, and your wording so you have more of a possibility of coming to a peaceful solution. That’s my take on this. I hope it helps.
I am soul destroyed. I have been trying for 10 years with my husband who is hard hearted and unrepentant. He watches and downloads porn. He flirts and leads woman on. He sits in Church on Sundays and attends bible study during the week. He fools everyone including his family that he is such a nice charming man but he is emotionally abusive at home. I’ve tried and asked him to tell his friends to stop sending him porn to his phone but he won’t tell them or try and change his behaviour. He has my money invested under his name and I can’t leave him. I pray so much for him that I am exhausted.
I am currently dealing with this in my marriage. My husband and I are both Christians and he has always been strong in the faith. Over the past few months, however, he has become totally bewitched (for lack of a better word) by a totally godless coworker. This man goes against everything that we believe in, has a filthy mouth and loves disgustimg jokes. Despite this, he fulfills some need for my husband, who literally can’t stop talking about him. My husband goes out of his way to meet this person for lunch and even meets him on the weekends at times while I sit home with our children. I am VERY uncomfortable with this situation and have tried to express my feelings in a reasonable way, but it only makes my husband angry. All I can do is to pray that God will remove this very negative influence from his life.
Julie, has your husband’s behavior been negatively influenced by his “friend”? Have you and your husband talked about why your husband wants to spend time with him? Is there some work-related motivation? Do you think that your husband is trying to witness to him? Try to find out what your husband’s motivation is. Knowing his motivation will help you to understand how much to be concerned and how to best interact on the subject.
Hi, My husband has a friend who is a great person and a really nice guy. The problem is his girlfriend who lives and works with him, on an average my husband hangs out with them 3 to 4 days a week. When I go around them she is always making comments on how I should treat my husband or makes comments on what goes on in our marriage; this is very upsetting to me and I don’t understand why she keeps doing this. I have asked my husband about this but he keeps telling me he doesn’t see anything about it and he doesn’t talk to her or about our problems. I just want to know what is going on because my husband is abusive to me during this time; any advice? Just trying to understand. A wife in the dark.
Brenda, I’m “in the dark” about this too. There is something disturbing going on here. This problem obviously goes deeper than meets the eye. One thing that is obvious is that your husband IS telling his “friend” and perhaps this girlfriend some things about your personal, married life that compels her to think she should advise you on how you should interact with your husband. She’s trying to “fix” you in the way that your husband conveys that you need to be fixed.
I don’t know if he’s telling these things to his friend and his friend is telling them to his girlfriend or if he’s talking to both of them about your personal life together. I’m thinking this girlfriend is getting first-hand info, but I’m not sure. No matter what… there are loose lips going on in this situation. How else would she know that info about your marriage problems?
But the bigger problem is that your husband is abusive to you “during this time.” THAT’S what you need to work on first. You obviously have a troubling situation going on here. Please go into the Abuse in Marriage topic. Read and apply everything you can and should. Some things need to change, and they need to change right away. Abusive behavior is known to ramp up. You need to work on it now, rather than later after things get even more toxic. Use this situation as a wake up call to deal with the deeper matter, and then you can work on other matters, such as this one. I hope you will. It could save the future of your marriage.