The following are individual quotes from various resources on the subject of infidelity. We pray they will minister to you as you read through them. Afterward you may want to go to read through and pray about the “Quotes on Bitterness and Forgiveness”:

Key for quote - business concept• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.

The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feels betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)

• Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well (Proverbs 5:15). What God has put together, let no man put asunder (Mark 10:9). This addresses the institute of marriage. Let no man re-define the parameters of marriage or else it’s not marriage in God’s eyes. Relaxing the laws or lowering the standards will not provide one with the illusive carnal pleasures of self-indulgence. God’s word is clear; let no man put asunder what He put together. Anything that challenges the institute of marriage cannot be condoned.

To honor God, you must honor what God honors. Our word for today from the Word of God says, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.“ As this unfolds we begin to realize that this is talking about the physical relationship of a husband and wife. God is obviously talking about physical passions, physical love. He’s addressing married people about those desires. He’s saying, “Focus your passions on one person. Don’t let your desire wander to anyone else.” In fact, in the King James Version it says, “Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times. Therefore, let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.“

Plato said, “Contentment is not getting everything you ever wanted to have. It’s realizing how much you already have.” Well, that applies to your marriage relationship. (From: Daily Devotions Feb 16, 2005 – sent by Natasha)

• Regarding temptation: I urge you to be wary of pride in your own infallibility. The minute you begin thinking that an affair “would never happen to me” is when you become most vulnerable. We are sexual creatures with powerful urges. We are also fallen beings with strong desires to do wrong. That is what temptation is all about. Do not give it a place in your life. My father once wrote, “Strong desire is like a powerful river. As long as it stays within the banks of God’s will, all will be proper and clean. But when it overflows those boundaries, devastation awaits downstream.”

Some time ago I discovered a little recognized, but universal, characteristic of human nature: We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing, which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. This helps explain the incredible power that the lure of infidelity can have on our behavior. Nevertheless, God promises to provide a “way out” of temptation if we will look for it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Keep looking for the way out and you’ll keep building up trust in your marriage. (Dr James Dobson, Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy)

•  “I DON’T LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU BUT I’M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. I’VE NEVER LOVED YOU.” One woman’s husband told her that in all the 35 years they had been married, he had never once loved her, not even when he asked her to marry her. Really? If this were true one could only conclude he was a total idiot. Why would you choose to marry someone, and choose to stay married to him or her for 35 years when you never once loved him or her? After all, it was not as if she’d taken a gun to his head, right down the aisle to the altar and said: Say “I do” or I’ll shoot. He CHOSE to marry her and he is responsible for his decision.

I hear this line from most unfaithful spouses we work with: “I never loved my spouse.” It simply isn’t true. Unfaithful spouses convince themselves of this to give them permission to have affair/s, because otherwise, they would think of themselves as a “bad” person. “If I love my spouse and I have an affair anyway, then I must be a bad person,” they reason. In addition, their thinking gets distorted. They rewrite their marital history in their minds. Bad memories become bigger, and the good memories, the loving feelings, they once had are forgotten. (Anne Bercht, from the Byeyondaffairs.com article, “Contributing to Marital Problems vs. Causing an Affair”)

• Often wayward spouses do not have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. Once in a while the fog will life, and they see how dishonest they have become. When that happens, they usually panic and recognize the affair for the mistake it is. But eventually the fog comes back, clouding their reason, and they go back to their lifestyle of cheating and lying. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers)

• One of the most common clues that an affair is going on is an unfaithful spouse’s unwillingness to let the other spouse know about all aspects of his or her life. If a spouse refuses to talk about the events of the day, it may be a sign that a secret second life exists. When an unfaithful spouse makes his or her life a private matter, off-limits to the betrayed spouse’s inquiries, the secret second life is difficult to discover.

…When you stop to think about it, privacy isn’t something that improves marriages. It’s honesty and openness that improve marriages. The more information you have about each other’s thoughts and activities, the easier it is to meet each other’s needs and resolve conflicts. Privacy actually blocks access to that important information, and that ultimately leads to marital failure. (From the book “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard F Harley, Jr and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)

• Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

• Part of the problem that folks do not understand in this culture is that there is a divinely placed connection between the soul and the body, and that you cannot engage in some kind of bodily activity without it impacting your soul, your heart, and your mind. It goes deep and leaves profound wounds and scars. (Bob Lepine, on program for Family Life Today from series: Why do Affairs Happen? Broadcast Date: 04/24/06)

• Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says business travelers “are on a slippery slope headed for trouble” any time they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals together, have time “to build a social, platonic friendship” and return to the same hotel. “Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster; and availability lights the fire.” (Gary Stoller, from the article, Infidelity is in the air for road warriors –Being away from home tempts some to cheat, USA TODAY – April 20, 2007)

• On the road, “There’s a sense of safety and a general rationalization that what the partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them,” says psychologist Peggy Vaughan, who has a website, DearPeggy.com, for people recovering from affairs. Some business people believe “it’s the norm to have affairs on the road,” because it’s “what successful, well-traveled people do,” she says. Vaughan and her husband, James, also a psychologist, wrote a book, Beyond Affairs, in 1980 that discusses his past affairs while traveling on business. They have been married for 51 years.

Fewer people get caught “when they restrict their affairs only to out-of-town adventures,” she says. But there’s a tendency for those who don’t get caught “to gradually increase the risks they take, including moving into the more dangerous ground of in-town affairs.” (Gary Stoller, from the article, Infidelity is in the air for road warriors –Being away from home tempts some to cheat, USA TODAY – April 20, 2007)

• A recipe for adultery: A man named BL, who was talking about how an adulterous relationship began said: “I just felt like I could talk so easily to her. I could share things with her. She was on my level; she could so easily comfort me. And then she was in a bad marriage, too.”

Here’s what Dennis Rainey said: “Now there’s a recipe for adultery! I want to remind you of something. Before this man ever had a physical affair, it started out as an emotional affair. Little by little, he allowed his loyalties to his wife to erode, and his affections for her began to wander —which is why it’s critical that all of us guard against inappropriate conversations and emotional transparency with the opposite sex in the workplace.

“Most husbands and wives are separate from each other for at least nine hours a day. Now that’s a huge chunk of time! One final thought. Why don’t you go on the offensive? Invest in your husband or wife. Nurture your affection and protect your marriage from harm. You can choose today to say, ‘No,’ to an emotional affair and say, ‘Yes!’ to your marriage.” (Dennis Rainey, FamilyLife.com, Recipe for Adultery, Broadcast Date: 03/06/07)

• Remember, a thirty-five-year marriage does not guarantee a year number thirty-six. Take nothing for granted just because you have it today. (Jim Smoke)

• Don’t forget to nurture your marriage. We can take a lesson on the way affairs happen by looking at King David. He put himself in the way of temptation when: (1) He chose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (2) He chose to be unaccountable. (3) He got proud and minimized the power of his flesh. (2 Samuel 5:10 and Deuteronomy 17:17) (4) He minimized the power of the enemy. (5) He stopped nurturing his marriage to Michel. (Chapter 6) (6) He wasn’t nurturing his own heart. (Pastor Kevin Butcher)

• In most marriages, the breakdown is not only one spouse’s fault. Rather, the causes appear to be a constellation of general life experiences. Many times, the faithful spouse is inappropriately blamed (especially if it is the wife) for “pushing” the infidel into the affair. Though, I have seen cases where that was true, most of the time it’s a gradual distancing between both partners that lays at the root.

For men, the felt need is often loss of playfulness, a lack of flirtation, and an absence of adoration or respect from the wife. For women, it’s typically the loss of tenderness, care, and concern expressed by the husband. Since most of us marry to “get more” of our new spouse —more time together, more fun together, more lovemaking —you can see where disappointment can enter the picture. (From the book: Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)

• Most infidelity is about what we call “the five A’s in nurturance” —accommodation, affirmation, adoration, affection, and appreciation. It’s that whole package of emotional nurturance and care, and that’s what happens in marriages. We get so busy we stop taking care of each other. We get so busy, we stop having fun with each other, and that sets the stage, and —boom —people are in trouble. (Dave Carder, on program for Family Life Today from series: Why do Affairs Happen? Broadcast Date: 04/24/06)

• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

• Brian: Despite what everyone thinks, not all infidelity is about sex. Anne and I were having great sex, even after 18 years of marriage. But other things in my life were bringing me down. I was 40 years old, had suffered a major business loss and a corresponding bankruptcy, my father had died and I had a wild teenage daughter who refused to respect me as her father. I needed someone to look at me with admiring eyes, respect me, value me and hear what I had to say.

Anne: The problem was I did not know how to really listen to Brian when he needed to talk about what was going on for him. To him, I now see, that felt disrespectful. I became just another person in his life who didn’t appreciate him. But because our lives had become full of responsibility and challenges, the majority of our conversations were now about solving those problems.

I needed to learn how to listen to Brian, to show him respect (and admiration) by being interested in the things that mattered to him, even if they seemed trivial to me, like discussing sports or local news events. I needed to stop taking life so seriously and just have fun sometimes. Unbeknownst to me, the other woman began to provide the listening ear and light moments of escape, during Brian’s difficult time that I was not. (Does this mean that I was responsible for Brian’s infidelity? No. It does mean, however, that my actions were a contributing factor.) (From the book: My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me! -By Anne Bercht with Brian Bercht and Danielle Bercht)

• Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real. Usually our lust focuses on sexual involvement. We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from a June 13, 2007 email titled, “Tempted to be in an affair?”)

• Whenever God is knocked out —sin is minimized. (Dr Charles Swindoll)

• When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications. (Chuck Swindoll)

• Satan’s 2 greatest lies: (1) it won’t hurt— One time won’t hurt you. (2) God will never love you anymore— you’ve blown it! (Neil Clark Anderson)

What Defines an Affair?
(-By Psychologist Shirley Glass based on Northeastern University research)

~ Secrecy: Meeting someone without telling your spouse —because you have a hunch he or she wouldn’t be happy about it.

~ Emotional intimacy: Confiding things you haven’t told your spouse.

~ Sexual chemistry: You don’t even have to touch. “I had a wonderful dream about you last night” stokes sexual tension.

~ Infidelity and gender: When faced with an either-or question about which hurts more, women pick emotional infidelity and men pick sexual infidelity. But when asked instead to rate both on a pain scale of one to seven, the gender difference disappears. Both rate sexual infidelity as worse.

• TO THE CHEATING HUSBAND: “This is totally about you. This is because you’re too immature to control your impulses and tell yourself no and appreciate the value and gravity of the commitment that you’ve made to this woman and these children. …But let me tell you, when you’re cheating on her, you’re cheating on your children as well. You’re putting their happiness, their tranquility, their peace, their harmony, their future in jeopardy every time you do that. You’re not doing it just to her, you’re doing it to them, and they can and will pay the price for it.” (Dr Phil McGraw, from the television program: Looking for “Freebies” March, 2006)

• Adult children of parental affairs are at particular risk to repeat the pattern. The most important motivator of any affair is the deep desire to be nurtured and loved unconditionally. That includes many components, such as touch, attitude, playfulness, romance, sex, and appreciation. Some adult children of parental affairs have huge agendas, or needs, that could never be met by any spouse —and they bring them, like baggage, into the marriage. If that description fits you and you are married, don’t put off working on this issue any longer. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)

• When you share intimacies with one person, and keep that secret from another, you create distance. It’s inevitable. This kind of emotional mission creep —whether intended or not, is made so much easier by the new technologies of communication. One can lie about lunch with little risk of detection. One can suggest a date with an old friend, and whatever happens, nobody has to know except the two of you —a new two.

The geographic reach of infidelity is now limited only by one’s determination and one’s budget. And if the ex-lover, or new friend, happens to be within driving distance, well then —you can make arrangements from the computer on your desk at work —or on the phone, in the car. And nobody —not your partner, and certainly not your boss —need know about it. The in box and voice mail —both guarded by those enigmatic, secret passwords —patrol the porous border between what we say and what we do. (An excerpt from an article titled “The New Infidelity” From: Smartmarriages.com Subject: Hong Kong/ Men/ Infidelity/ Bush/ Covenant/ Research/ Makeover – 3/03)

• “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.“ (Matthew 5:27-28)

• Left to our own resources, more times than not, we will sin sexually. The pressures are just too great. That’s why a vital relationship with God is critical. Without it, good sex is simply not possible. Only fully devoted, committed, authentic Christians can feel the inner tug of the Holy Spirit, the voice that tells us “Abhor evil, cling to good.” (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)

• “Never before has the dating world been so handy for married men and women looking for a fling,” said Beatriz Avila Mileham, who conducted the research for her doctoral dissertation in counselor education at UF. “With cybersex, there’s no longer any need for secret trips to obscure motels. An online liaison may even take place in the same room with one’s spouse.” In the words of one 41-year-old man in the study, “All I have to do is turn on my computer, and I have thousands of women to choose from. (It) can’t get any easier than that.”

Counseling organizations report chat rooms are the fastest-rising cause of relationship breakdowns, and the problem only stands to get worse as today’s population of Internet users, estimated at 649 million worldwide, continues to grow, Mileham said. “The Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn’t already,” she said. (From: Smartmarriages® Sent: July 22, 2003 Subject: Online Dating Irresistible to some married Folks – 7/03)

• A new study conducted by a researcher at the University of Florida finds that 83% of spouses who had Internet encounters with the opposite sex didn’t consider it to be cheating. The study’s author, Beatriz Mileham, believes “the Internet will soon become the most common form of infidelity, if it isn’t already.” Focus on the Family marriage analyst Glenn Stanton tends to agree with her. “When you’ve lived with an individual, you see every part of them.

The very deceptive thing about these online affairs is that, like in dating relationships, you’re only seeing the best part of the other person. That is a lie from Satan that really sandbags a lot of marriages,” Stanton says. Stanton urges Christian husbands and wives to steer clear of Internet chat rooms geared specifically for married couples, and to be as intentional about investing and managing their relationships as they might be about their 401-K. (From: Smartmarriages® Sent: July 22, 2003 Subject: Online Dating Irresistible to some married Folks – 7/03)

• Dr. Shirley Glass examined how the emotional intimacy of the workplace and the Internet had led even people in successful marriages to slip into emotionally intense relationships that could easily lead to affairs. Dr. Glass said that even if these intense relationships didn’t lead to sex they were a threat to marriages and part of what she termed “the new crisis of infidelity.” The reason, she said, is that the emotional intimacy with the friend gradually, almost invisibly, supplants that with the spouse. (Shirley Glass: Expert on Infidelity, Is Dead – The New York Times October 14, 2003 -By Douglas Martin) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Shirley Glass – 10/14/03)

• Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who become king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress. (Proverbs 30:21-23)

• Statistically only 3% of married men marry their affair partners and if they do only 3% of these marriages work. Unfortunately, once the affair becomes a marriage, the same traits the man brought with him to his first marriage, he brings with him to the second. He likely blames his wife for where he’s at, and he’ll likely say he doesn’t love her. In reality, he is a significant part of the problem in his marriage.

An affair is characterized by excitement. A large part of what makes it exciting is the “forbidden” element and the lack of commitment. Our culture has been feeding us a lie, that there is a “soul-mate” for each person and we’ll be happy when we find this one magical person. A married man will often give his mistress the impression she is the one. He is often also telling his wife this at the same time. (Anne Bercht, Questions about Affairs from the Other Woman – May 5, 2007, Passionatelife.ca)

• Adultery is grounds for divorce —but not necessarily a reason for divorce.

• I know a couple who came very close to divorcing. He had an affair and his wife had a hard time trusting him, especially if he was late for dinner or late coming home after work. Once when he was late, she accused him of seeing “her” again. He was about to defend himself and speak harsh words to her about “this never-ending mistrust.” But instead, he thought for a few seconds before opening his mouth and realized just how forgiving and loving she is to have stayed in the marriage. Then when he opened his mouth, he spoke words of kindness and love by saying, “Thank you for your commitment to me and forgiveness.

By questioning me now and then, it only proves to me how much you love me, and I’m so grateful to you!” When he started to react, he caught himself remembering what a great wife she is. That is James 1:19 in action [which says,“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”]. What a blessing to be able to respond to any situation with positive, uplifting words. This is truly a mark of maturity. Will you take responsibility for your words when you find yourself in a potentially explosive conflict? (Dr Gary Smalley)

• According to marital researcher Shirley Glass, 62% of unfaithful men and 46% of the women met their illicit partner through work. “In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust,” she goes on to say.

• “Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs. The observed increase in women’s infidelity because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men,” Shirley Glass wrote with Jean C. Staeheli in their 2003 book, NOT Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. (Shirley Glass: Expert on Infidelity, Is Dead – The New York Times October 14, 2003 -By Douglas Martin —Smartmarriages® Subject: Shirley Glass —10/14/03)

• The workplace has become the prime launching pad for modern infidelity, according to Glass, (a leading psychologist, author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) with studies showing that 62% of straying men and 46% of women found their extramarital partners there. She notes that 2 decades ago, fewer affairs started at work because fewer women were there (particularly women acting as peers) —a point that hasn’t exactly endeared her to feminists.

“Today’s workplace is the most fertile breeding ground for affairs,” she writes. “The observed increase in women’s infidelity is because more women are in the workplace and more women are in professions that were previously dominated by men.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)

• I’m tempted to go to all the buildings downtown and put up a sign, “DANGER ZONE: Men and Women at Work.” Today’s workplace is the most common breeding ground for affairs. It’s the proximity and collegiality —the intimacy of working together, not bad marriages —that is the slippery slope to infidelity. (Shirley Glass, NOT Just Friends)

• Pat Love, a fellow therapist and author, says she agrees with Shirley Glass (a leading psychologist and expert on infidelity) that affairs cause marriages to turn bad more often than bad marriages cause affairs. “If you meet enough people, you’ll eventually find someone with whom you have chemistry,” says Love, who is based in Austin, Texas. “Having an affair doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)

• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.

Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one-night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage Newsletter, Marriage.com.au)

• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.

Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage Newsletter, Marriage.com.au)

• There’s a new “crisis of infidelity” breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it doesn’t involve sexual thrill seekers, but “good people”, peers who are in good marriages. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship to romantic love,” Glass says. (From the article, “Infidelity Reaches Beyond Having Sex… by Karen S. Peterson – USA Today, 1/09/2003)

• “Those who assume that only bad people in bad marriages cheat can blind themselves to their own risk,” said Beth Allen, a researcher at the University of Denver who, with colleagues David Atkins, of the Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, and the late Shirley Glass, a Baltimore family psychologist, recently completed an extensive review of infidelity research. “They’re unprepared for the risky times in their own lives, the dangerous situations when, if they aren’t careful, they’ll suddenly be very tempted,” Allen said. (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION —Los Angeles Times —October 20, 2003)

• “Shirley Glass was the first one to make us see that you could have a good marriage and still have an affair,” said Diane Sollee, founder and director of Smartmarriages.com in Washington and an advocate of Dr. Glass’ work. “People think if you have a flat stomach, bake cherry pies and have better sex, a marriage will work out. But that’s not what always happens. Shirley operationalized how to avoid affairs. She made it very clear and doable,” she said.

“She was an advocate of the ‘Walls and Windows’ theory that a couple’s recovery depended on speaking about all the details of the affair. That way the aggrieved partner can at any time walk up and look through the window. Walls were to be built around the relationship to protect it,” Ms. Sollee said. (Shirley Glass: Expert on Infidelity, Is Dead – The New York Times October 14, 2003 -By Douglas Martin – Smartmarriages® Subject: Shirley Glass — 10/14/03)

• In one recent analysis, researchers at UC Irvine found that people who claimed their marriage was “very happy” were two times as likely to cheat on their spouses as those who said their marriage was “extremely happy.” (THE Roots of Temptation – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Infidelity – 10/21/03)

• What drives them? The given reasons for these affairs range widely. In research for a book, Diane Shader Smith, a Los Angeles writer, has conducted in-depth interviews with more than 175 married women who have had or were currently involved in an affair. “One thing many had in common was chemistry,” Smith said. “They all described that, the chemistry with another man, the casual brush against the arm, that orgasm-on-the-spot feeling,” she said. (The Roots of Temptation – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Infidelity – 10/21/03)

• The first few years of marriage are clearly a red zone, new research shows. An analysis conducted in 2000 by sociologists in New York found two distinct patterns in the timing of affairs. A married woman’s likelihood of straying is highest in the first 5 years, and falls off gradually with time, according to the survey of 3,432 U.S. adults. Men have two high-risk phases, one during the first 5 years of marriage and again, after the 20th year. (The Roots of Temptation – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Infidelity – 10/21/03)

• The psychological underpinnings of early affairs often are tied up with the vows themselves, some experts believe. As well intentioned as they can be, vows are still open-ended pledges of unknown cost, of blind sacrifice. Very often, their gravity doesn’t sink in right away; and young married men and women often have a lingering appetite for the flirtation and sexually charged attention that was the lifeblood of their single lives, marital therapists say.

Newlyweds’ expectations of wedded bliss can set them up for profound disappointment, after the florists and caterers are gone and the reality of living with a spouse becomes clear. And if there are no children on the way, to deepen and broaden the character of the bond, the yearning for variety and attention outside the marriage often still runs very high, psychologists find. (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003) (Smartmarriages® Subject: Infidelity – 10/21/03)

• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers. But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent.

“If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (Cybersex: Is it Really Cheating? MSNBC.com – Smartmarriages® Subject: Stay married/Listen/New Jersey/Time?/C-PAIRS/cybersex-11/05/03)

• The first temptation of the abandoned person is to deny that abandonment has happened and to hide their true feelings. Denial will not change the reality. We encourage you to feel your pain, to realize that every one of the emotions that surged through you in the first moments and every moment since then is a normal sensation. In fact, it would be abnormal not to feel those emotions. Be poised, not pathetic. It’s very different to say, I am a person and I have this problem than to say, I am a problem, and I’ve lost my personhood.

The goal is to be a poised person who says to himself or herself, I am a person who has a problem, but I’m going to work toward a solution. Maintain your dignity as a person—refusing to accept the negative messages that the circumstances may seem to be giving you (“you’re inadequate; you’re sexually deficient; you’re dumb”). Realize that these are false messages. (Mid-Life Dimensions, Midlife.com)

• For those who are going through, or love someone someone going through, the aftermath of finding out about a spouse’s adultery: Our hearts break for you, and we want you to know there is hope. Marriages can heal. We know, because ours did. We know, because we’ve been able to support other couples facing this anguish. We also know it will be one of the hardest things you will ever go through. It would have been far easier at the time for us to split up. And we would not have been condemned for doing so. That same thing is true for many others.

We know these words seem hard to believe. When you go through this crisis, you feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on you. Then the fiery darts from hell come faster and faster, and your shield of faith seems to offer little protection. You are fighting for your marriage with every ounce of strength you can muster until you begin to fear you’re going to lose the battle. Remember, this is where Satan wants you, and he will be faithful to keep the burners on high. Why? He wants you to become another statistic. So let us repeat ourselves: You don’t have to give up! You can make it! (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful.”)

The following are quotes on Emotional Infidelity from various resources that we pray will minister to your situation:

Key for quote - business concept• An emotional affair without sex occurs when two parties share their feelings for each other. These affairs are supercharged with emotion. The sound of her voice, the style of his e-mail —they are all loaded. But if you confront them, they’ll insist they’ve done nothing wrong. These secret emotional affairs are powerful influences in the individuals’ lives. They often live in a fantasy world, where they imagine what the other party is doing, even while appearing to watch sports on TV or doing some other task.

These individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation to talk over with the people they are having the emotional affair with, rather than their spouses. They also struggle with feelings of betrayal when they have sex with their spouse. But a lot of these emotional affairs remain non-sexual. They are the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt. (Cindy Crosby, from the Kyria.com article “Why Affairs Happen”)

• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal. To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. To others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else —late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.

The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)

• Extramarital affairs occur in the mind as well as the bedroom. Jesus taught that physical adultery and lust were one in the same. While they may carry different physical consequences, they do carry the same negative spiritual consequences. Lust makes us think that having some person we don’t presently have would make us happier. Often that person is simply a figment of our imagination. Even if the person is real, we often attach character traits to him or her that are not real.

…We imagine someone who is terribly fond of us and who prefers our presence and intimacy over anyone else’s. We imagine that if we had such a person to hold in our arms, it would be exciting and wonderfully fulfilling. This is a terrible deception, for it’s a self-centered form of love and we ignore the devastating consequences of living out our imaginations. (Dr Gary Smalley, from an email sent out June 13, 2007 titled, Tempted to be in an affair?)

• You have heard it said, “Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27)

• It is when we are the weakest that Satan tries to attack. When he sees a chink in our marriage, he will try to bring a bulldozer through. We need to guard our heart against these attacks, whether it is the temptation to enter into a sexual affair or a subtler affair of the heart. Nurturing quiet longings for another man (or woman) may seem harmless at first, but an affair of the heart puts forth barbs that can drag us out of God’s presence into a place of sin.

Sheep never plan to get lost. They graze and nibble their way off in the wrong direction, and before they know it, they have strayed from the shepherd into unknown territory. In the same way you drift into relationships that lead you away from God. Sin can begin in the subtle guise of innocence but grow into something lethal. (Linda W Rooks, from the book “Broken Heart on Hold… Surviving Separation”)

• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure. There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.

Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes —scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)

• Realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)

• Shirley Glass (author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003 + Are You Vulnerable to Having An Affair? – by Shirley Glass)

• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore. I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred.

What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Dos and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)

• Sin is born in the mind. When we daydream about a person of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, that is sin. When we “innocently” facilitate arrangements to be with someone else, we’re already in trouble. Rationalizing your thoughts about another person is deluding yourself. If you find yourself fantasizing or manipulating events, it is time to do a very fast U-turn.

That same mind that leads us down the road of sin can lead us back to God and our spouse. Daydream about your spouse. Remember your wedding vows. Is there something you can do today, this week, to remind your spouse of the intimate relationship you’re called to have together? Daydream about what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. Focus on what is beautiful in him or her. If you find these exercises difficult, maybe it’s time to sit your spouse down and have a much-needed conversation.

Don’t let your marriage slide away because of neglect. Spend time with the person you committed to love in a marriage. You both entered the relationship hoping to have a love that would last a lifetime. Don’t be afraid to work on it when it needs some attention. Some of us have gotten the idea that if love takes work, then it must not be real, and it’s certainly not romantic. That is a lie. All relationships require energy and effort. Romance comes when you provide the environment for romance. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book, “Unfaithful”)

• Opening up emotionally to a co-worker of the opposite sex is like removing clothing one item at a time. At first it is very innocent. There is no need for alarm. Neither of you have done anything wrong. However, the more you open up to each other emotionally, the more vulnerable you become to having an emotional affair.

Most people believe that as long as they don’t have sex with a co-worker then they have done nothing wrong. However, emotional intimacy with a co-worker can sometimes cause more damage to the health of your marriage than a one night stand. The closer you become emotionally with a co-worker of the opposite sex, the further you will withdraw emotionally from your spouse. Once you are having an emotional affair, it will become increasingly difficult to refrain from adding the physical element to the affair. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)

• Emotional affairs are similar to physical affairs in that the initial bonding can be a very intense experience. Your co-worker will probably listen to you and understand you better than your spouse has in years. However, just like the intense sex from a physical affair the intense emotional feelings will eventually fade overtime.

Keep the topic of your conversations with co-workers of the opposite sex focused on work related items. If the conversation switches to a more personal level then make a quick exit. How do you know if the conversation is on a personal level? Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable with a room full of people listening to the conversation. (As quoted in the Nov. ’07 Marriage.com.au Newsletter)

• First, you must admit to yourself your attraction to someone else. If you find that you’re convincing yourself everything is okay, it’s not. And that’s the point. If you’re not mature enough to blow the whistle on yourself, then you’re heading straight for danger. You’ll start hiding things —things you thought you would never do —and your prayer life will go down the tubes. You’ll be tormented, standing before your congregation without a clear conscience. Justification is one of the strongest indications there’s a problem.

Next, you must confess it. And you must change —that’s non-negotiable. I often hear people confess, “I know what I’m doing is wrong, but…” and they continue dancing on the edge. In order to change, you have to cut off that relationship.

If you feel you cannot talk with your spouse about your thoughts or a situation, you set yourself up for trouble. You need to be honest—for both yourself and for her. Also, listen to your wife. Spouses are perceptive —often they’re the first to tune in to danger lurking in the shadows. On the other hand, be accountable to selected, trusted people, because there are times you can’t just lay this kind of stuff on your wife. Yes, you need to be forthright, but you need to protect her, too. You don’t want to continually discourage her and make her feel like chopped liver. (From the article titled “Dancing on the Edge” posted on Focusonthefamily.org.)

• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)

• When you turn to the definition of “unfaithful” Webster states “not faithful, not adhering to vows, allegiance, or duty.” Nowhere does it state that unfaithfulness or infidelity is tied to a physical act. It’s my belief that if you’re using your emotional reserves on someone not your spouse at the expense of your spouse, then it’s infidelity. For those who are calling it another name, I can only respond “a rose by any other name…” (Dena B. Cashatt, MFT, Soldier and Family Assistance Program Mgr.)

• Yes, an emotional affair is infidelity, and equally devastating because it’s the fact that he (she) put another woman (man) ahead of you in his (her) life. An affair is any stealing of intimacy that belongs in the marriage and giving it to another, whether emotional of physical. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Do Emotional Affairs Constitute Infidelity?”)

• On the SUBJECT of EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS and VIEWING PORNOGRAPHY: Some 37 years of clinical and coaching practice has shown me that gender differences on this issue are not fiction, but based in how people actually feel. My experience working with men (and couples) where the man has been involved with pornography is that the guy’s response is typically “They’re just PICTURES” while his wife is enraged at his “affairs.” And the poor guy just doesn’t get it.

I usually end by pointing out that IF he wants a good relationship with his wife again, he has to learn to understand how SHE sees it, since she’s offended by his behavior. This often is greeted —by the guy —as unfair. To which I reply: “Well, ‘unfair’ or not, that’s the way it works if you want your relationship back.” (George Polley, LICSW)

• If you have lunch with someone you fancy and you don’t tell your partner, that’s an affair. Affairs don’t begin with kisses; they begin with lunch —or something like it. So when you hide the shared meal and the excitement that came with it, you do so for a reason. You don’t want to upset your partner. (Thus you know, in fact, that there’s something to get upset about.) You want to keep it to yourself. Why? Because maybe some part of your mind is planning ahead and it doesn’t want your partner to know that this lunch gig has started at all. Because one day, you hope, it won’t just be lunch that you’re hiding.

By these standards, my e-mail flirtation was already a full-blown affair. And when I realized that, I stopped it—which is to say that I carried on sending Louise e-mails, but much less frequently, and with a new and more measured emotional tone. Most important, I began to think more carefully about sharing intimacies. (From the article, “The New Infidelity” at Salon.com/sex/feature/2003/02/28/email/index.html)

• Sexual sin doesn’t just happen. It almost always is the result of a process of nurturing temptation. (Bill Hybels, “Tender Love”)

• An emotional affair can be just as much a threat to marriage as a sexual affair. I believe that anyone who is in love with someone outside of marriage, and expresses that love to him or her, is having an affair —an affair of the heart. This is particularly true when that expression of love is reciprocated. (From the book, “Surviving an Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers)

• In one recent study, University of Vermont psychologists surveyed 180 couples who were either married or living with a partner. Fully 98% of males and 80% of females reported having a sexual fantasy about someone other than their partner, at least once in the previous two months. The longer couples were together, the more likely both partners were to report having fantasies; but the imagined flings were still very common in young married couples, who often assumed that they should be immune. In short, almost everyone is doing it —at least in their heads. And usually they can’t talk about it, especially with the person closest to them.

This creates one of the universal paradoxes of romantic desire, a tension between public faithfulness and private longing for another, a secret life of the imagination. Some married people can live with this paradox and understand it as an entirely internal drama that in no way presages a real affair or reflects any need to stray. Yet even long-married people who are acutely aware of this double life and can joke with themselves about it aren’t always able to resolve their tension.

In a psychological sense, free-floating desire has provided the brain with an idea of infidelity, complete with expectations, curiosities and what-ifs. The frequency and vividness of these thoughts may themselves lead a man or woman to believe their love for a partner is fading, Levine said. Then something happens. A blowout argument. A promotion. A school reunion, the loss of a job, an e-mail from an old boyfriend. Some triumph or loss that opens a door through which a person is now primed to walk. The delights of an affair have already been richly imagined.

The consequences are now minimized: “Many couples survive affairs; stop depriving yourself; it’s an experience, part of the richness of life,” a person might tell herself or himself. “Whatever the final provocation,” Levine said, “the person decides —actively makes a choice to participate at every step along the way.” (THE ROOTS OF TEMPTATION – Los Angeles Times – October 20, 2003)

• ONLINE INFIDELITY —”There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection. Married people creating intimate relationships through chatting online—is a growing phenomenon, in part because many who participate in virtual dalliances don’t regard it as cheating, experts say. “There’s great debate whether this is infidelity or not,” said Dr. Beatriz Mileham, who conducted an in-depth study of married people who go online in search of a romantic connection.

“It gives people a license to be sexual with strangers while still maintaining their vows —at least they think they’re maintaining their marital vows,“ Mileham said. You can find all kinds of people at any time of the day logged into “married and flirting” chat rooms. Mileham said some think that it’s not cheating because there’s no physical contact with that person. “The number one justification is: I’m not touching anybody,” she said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)

• One man who didn’t want his name used because he was concerned his real-life girlfriend would see this story said he’s currently involved in several virtual affairs with married women. He simply fills “an emotional deficit” in women’s marriages, he said. Their husbands have no idea he exists. Big-name Internet companies don’t care whether it’s cheating or not, because the more people looking for love means more eyeballs for online advertisers.

But spouses who discover a loved one engaged in such behavior are nowhere near as ambivalent. “If it’s found out, people tend to feel very betrayed —even if the contact is restricted to the computer only, because you’re channeling sexual energy. You’re channeling emotional energy. You’re flirting and creating a little bit of an emotional bond here that people (feel) is reserved for them,” Mileham said. (CYBERSEX: IS IT REALLY CHEATING? MSNBC.com)