Quotes on “In Laws & Parents”

The following are quotes from various resources on the subject of In Law and parental situations in which you may find yourself involved.

• Did you realize that when you married your Prince or Princess Charming, you inherited the king, the queen, and the whole court? In a real sense, you did marry the whole family. Despite all the “in-law/out-law” jokes, in-laws play a significant role in how your marriage goes. Healthy in-law relationships are a wonderful blessing in any marriage. Unhealthy in-law relationships can be a continual drain and irritation. (Dr David Stoop and Dr Jan Stoop, from the book, “The Complete Marriage Book”)

• Ideally, the members of your family are the people who love you the most. They gave birth to you, changed your diapers, cleaned up your messes, and put up with you during the terrible twos. They witnessed the best moments of your life, and they saw you at your worst. They interacted with you during the most important developmental stages of your life. As a result, your relationship with your family has given definition to your understanding of love. Your experience at home helped determine your understanding of a loving relationship.

If your family was affectionate, then affection and love are linked in your heart. If your family was encouraging, then encouragement and love go hand in hand for you. If you grew up with anger, then for you, anger and love go together. (From the book, “Why Men and Women Act the Way They Do” by Bill and Pam Farrel)

• Most people don’t realize the extent to which the marriage they create is a product of the marriage they observed growing up. For better or worse, every husband and wife brings behaviors, beliefs, quirks, and roles into their marriage that they’re not even aware of. Like an actor in a dramatic performance following a script (the one we observed growing up), each of us plays a part in our marriage to which we normally haven’t given much thought. As a result, we become entangled in a story about us that we never intended to write.

Why? Because we’ve never taken the time to really explore each other’s early family environments. Without knowing it, we absorbed ways of being a wife or a husband from our family of origin —and we formed standards for our spouse to live up to in his or her role too. That’s why some good couples have a difficult marriage. Would it make any difference if you could go back in time and observe firsthand the kind of home and the experiences your spouse had as a child? Would the role he or she plays today as your mate make more sense? Almost certainly. …You can explore the past with your partner as you try to imagine what it would have been like to grow up in his or her shoes. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More)

• I have seen adult sons move out of their homes and marry without really leaving. To leave involves far more than moving out. It means to be physically, emotionally and financially independent from one’s parents, rather than retaining any vestige of dependence upon them. Of course, it must be recognized that when dependency remains, it may be because of either the adult child’s or the parents’ desires.

It’s interesting to note that two of the factors sociologists have identified as being highly significant to the success of a marriage are whether people have emotionally separated from their parents in a healthy way, and whether they have had an opportunity to live on their own by themselves before they married. If both of these conditions existed, they have a better opportunity for a successful marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or her relationship with parents instead of with you, there’s a problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an affair. Sometimes this problem begins when a wife feels frustrated over her husband’s seeming lack of interest in conversing about her day; she starts talking with her parents instead. Sometimes the husband is the frustrated one; it’s common for mother and son to have long or frequent conversations that leave the wife feeling ignored. Neither scenario is appropriate. Respect for each other is the key. In this situation, respect might require that the spouse maintaining an overly close relationship with his or her parents will decrease that contact in order to show love for the spouse.

…This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• However committed a couple may be to a marriage as a permanent bond, it may have a certain tenuousness to it simply because of it’s newness. For many, this is a time of tension between loyalties. And if the parent-child bond was strong and healthy, the attachment to parents may feel stronger than the attachment to the new spouse. This can make the separation painful for both the parents and the adult child. Part of the tension can be accentuated by the choice between which family pattern to follow, “your family’s or my family’s?” Building the new marriage must take center stage, especially during the first year of marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Often new husbands and wives assume they’ll be loved and accepted by in-laws on the merit of having married the in-laws’ child. This may be the case, but it usually takes time to establish trust and respect. Just as it takes time to build other close relationships, gaining acceptance into a family doesn’t happen instantly. After all, you’re stepping into a family with a long history of established bonds. Don’t be too hard on yourself and expect too much.

If your relationship with your own parents is wonderful, the one with your mother- and father-in-law may never measure up. If your relationship with your parents isn’t good, you may be too needy and demanding in trying to make up for it. The number-one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is your spouse’s support. As with all close relationships, it’s an art to support your spouse without jumping into the fight or feeding his or her discontent. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The responsibility of married couples to each other involves a total commitment. This means literally “forsaking all others.” This not only includes in-laws and parents, but friends, fishing companions, tennis cronies and so on, for the sake of the marriage. When a husband and wife marry, they commit themselves to the task of building a good and enriching marriage. We don’t usually make lifetime commitments to friends or business associates, but only to our spouses.

Joseph and Lois Bird suggest: “If the relationship with parents, friends, or relatives —their visits, actions, or influence —has a negative effect on our relationship with the one person to whom we have committed ourselves, we can make no rational choice other than to curtail —or even terminate —contacts with our parents (or others). The responsibility rests on each one of us. If necessary we may have to take steps which could alienate our parents, and they may be deeply hurt.” The authors go on to say that this advice isn’t intended to hurt anyone, least of all one’s parents or friends. It’s simply a matter of priorities, and making choices for the marriage, not against anyone. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Lynne and I now realize that who our fathers and mothers were, how they related, and how our families operated played a major role in shaping us as individuals. This is true for everyone. Two decades spent in close proximity with a single group of people can’t help but shape our personal identities. We are who we are largely because of the experiences we have enjoyed —or endured —within the context of our unique units. Family dynamics determine our self-esteem and self-confidence. Family values shape our character. Family experiences influence our concepts of how marriage should be structured and how children should be raised, of how we should view work, recreation, education, money, politics, and religion.

We all look at our families and decide either to repeat the pattern if our experience was basically positive, or try to create an opposite situation if our experience was basically negative. Either way, we are profoundly affected by the attitudes and actions of our families. (From the study guide, “Marriage… Building Real Intimacy” by Bill Hybels)

• When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication, but you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own —a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ. (Dr Randy Carlson)

• In-law problems in general suggest that unfinished business —uncompleted passages —lie in the background. Keep in mind that this is a broad generalization: Severe in-law friction indicates a cross-generational problem that, if not resolved, will fester in the present generation and infect the next ones. (From the book, Passages of Marriage by Minirith, Newman and Hemfelt)

• One of the things that I always encourage couples to look for in [an invasive in-law] situation is what kind of permission are you giving mom and dad to do this to you? There must be some entry, some kind of message that you’re sending to them that gives them the right to meddle in your life. Maybe it is that you’re getting free babysitting from them, maybe they’re paying the school bills, maybe they’re paying your rent. Whatever it is, they are somehow feeling like they have a right to do this.

…And now that [this couple is] breaking away and starting their own life, that can be hard for mom or dad to let them do that, and so they continue to kind of do the things that they were used to doing as a parent when they were a young child. So they need to look at the admission ticket they’ve given to mom and dad to come into their lives and do that to find out whatever it is and to take that away. You know, make a decision, at least. Is it worth the price we’re paying to have free babysitting or to get our rent paid or whatever that thing might be? (Dr Les Parrott, from Family Life Today radio interview titled, “Control Freak”)

• The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most complicated human connections. It comes with a built-in conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. One woman always will see him first as a man; the other always will see him first as her child. Understanding these perspectives is the first step to having a smooth in-law connection. (Elisabeth Graham, from  the Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• Mothers-in-law who are invaders tend to use the words “should” and “ought” excessively as they impose their standards on others. “Should” and “ought” imply, “I know better than you do and your ought to listen to me.” This problem has a fairly predictable outcome; it’s called, “Shut out mother-in-law.” Conversations become abstract, and detailed plans are omitted from conversations. Avoidance is the order of the day, and this leads to greater deterioration of the relationship. Criticism and advice are more likely to be heard when “maybe” is substituted for “ought” and “should.”

One young (and courageous) wife, after hearing several “shoulds” and “oughts” shared with her mother-in-law the following statement: “Joan, there are times when what you say could change just a bit and I’d receive it better. Perhaps you could begin substituting the word ‘maybe’ for ‘should’ and ‘ought.’ And while you’re learning, whenever you forget and use the old words I’ll simply remind you by saying the word, ‘maybe.’ Perhaps that will help.” This is a positive way to handle a delicate situation. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law but never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around, and today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect by remembering what you do have in common —you both love your spouse —and it won’t take twenty years to build a relationship. Then look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Let us encourage you to concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree. (Dr David Stoop and Dr Jan Stoop, from the book, “The Complete Marriage Book”)

• Because unconditional love doesn’t naturally exist between in-laws, it’s a decision that must be made and then acted on daily. “Love your enemies,“ we’re instructed (Matthew 5:44, NASB). This command crushes all our legitimate reasons for negative feelings toward an in-law. Regardless of those “feelings,” we’re to act in love. (Elisabeth Graham, from the Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• Let’s face it; you marry more than just your spouse. In a sense, you marry your spouse’s family too. So it’s important to take a good look at where you each come from and the family history that shapes who you are as individuals. “But we’re not living anywhere near either of our families,” you say. “This isn’t that big of a deal for us.” We beg to differ. In fact, we think that where you come from and your family history lies beneath just about every issue you face in your entire marriage.

We have a theory that when the going gets tough, your first instinct is to go with what was modeled to you —no matter how tough you are. Going with what was modeled isn’t necessarily bad, but chances are that what was modeled to you was different from what was modeled to your spouse. And if you grew up in any sort of normal family, there was at least a little bit of dysfunction that may pop up in your marriage when things get rough. (From the book, “Great Expectations… An Interactive Guide to Your First Year of Marriage” by Toben and Joanne Heim)

• Cutting the cord between mother and son is a process that has to be relived from time to time. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• One of the most surprising difficulties many newlyweds have with their in-laws is knowing how to address them. In the early years of marriage, many couples simply avoid calling their in-laws by name, and this can create tension. So if you have not yet settled this issue, put it out on the table. Simply ask your in-laws how they would like to be addressed by you-by first names, “Mom and Dad,” or what? Once decided, use their names often. Spend time with them and take an interest in their work, hobbies, ideas, and experiences. Knowing them better will make for a much easier relationship. (Leslie Parrott, Ed.D. and Les Parrott, Ph.D.)

• Setting up your own household doesn’t mean you must terminate the relationship with your parents. You’re to leave them, not forsake them or forgo all their influence. Their hard-won experience can still play a vital role in your lives. Consider the biblical examples of Naomi, the mother-in-law who had a beautiful relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth. And recall Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses, who pulled him aside and told him he was working himself to death. Taking his advice made Moses’ service to God much more effective. (Ed Young in The 10 Commandments of Marriage)

• If parents need to be confronted or informed, agree that their own child —not the son-or daughter-in-law —will do the talking. Protecting your marriage is a priority; the newest addition to the family doesn’t need another reason to be dissected by the in-laws. Each spouse needs to know that he or she will be protected by the other, even if husband and wife disagree and the in-laws are meddlesome. (Sandra Lunberg, from book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences. Also remember to keep your relationship with each set of parents separate and positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents does not need to know everything the other is doing, such as how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you. (From the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War” by Ingrid Lawrenz)

• When it comes to dealing with an in-law who doesn’t seem to accept you, here are the main principles to remember:

• Learn to support your spouse without getting hooked into taking sides.
• Encourage your spouse to share his or her feelings directly with you. Keep a sense of humor.
• Show your spouse that he or she is number one in your eyes.
• Don’t take things too personally.
• Remember, building a relationship takes time.
• Forgive, forgive, forgive.
• Remember that you’re loving your spouse by honoring his or her parents.

One more idea: When confronted with what feels like a no-win situation involving an in-law, use the “drop the rope” theory. Imagine a rope, the kind used in tug-of-war. If you find yourself provoked, see that rope in your hands. You can choose to continue yanking on it —or drop it. Dropping it may sound as though you’re giving in or giving up, but it’s actually very empowering. It’s also much more effective than tugging back and forth. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• When our children marry, the family circle expands and relationships become more complicated. All of these relationships affect our marriage. So here are the “best of the best” tips we’ve received for keep in-law relationships positive:

• “Build the relationship with each couple. Some of your best times will be couple to couple.”
• “Visit each couple, but not too often or don’t stay too long.”
• “Let them parent their own children.”
• “Resist the urge to give advice.”
• “Realize that you and your married children are not in the same season of life. You have very different goals.”
• “Tolerate small irritations.”
• “Build a relationship with each of your grandchildren.”
• “Be interested in your children’s professions, hobbies, and activities.”
• “When you visit, find ways to participate in their household.

Find a balance between pitching in and helping and being the guest.” (From the book, “The Second Half of Marriage” by David and Claudia Arp)

• One of these days it will be my turn to be the mother-in-law to some young woman. Perhaps our personalities will click the minute we meet, and we’ll become kindred spirits. That would be wonderful, but unlikely. Those relationships are rare. In the meantime, experience has taught me that the most valuable gift I’ll ever give my sons is to be a mother who’s willing to set aside her needs in order to nurture a loving relationship with their chosen wives. Because of that, I will be the woman who gives the gift [of self-sacrifice]. (Elizabeth Graham, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• I do a “Gramma week” each summer. I practice what I preach—helping my kids, as Bill Doherty would say, “take back their marriage.” I have 5 grand kids from 1-7 years of age. I tell my two sons to plan a “marriage vacation” —and we all —my sons, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren and I —look forward to it all year. I suggest all of us who are able to —should do this. I think of it as preventive grand parenting—to help make sure we don’t end up either losing contact with our grand kids or raising them full time after a divorce. (As James Bray pointed out in the session on stepfamilies at the Smart Marriages conference 50% of all divorced adults return to live with their parents after divorce —bringing their kids with them.)

But more, I love giving the kids the idea that their parents have a romance going on that doesn’t require their presence. And that marriage is fun. They get all giggly over the idea of their parents going on a “romantic” marriage vacation. For those of you whose parents who can’t do this —I encourage you to set up a swap with siblings or friends. It takes planning—so start now. If you can’t manage a week, take a long weekend. It’s a message to each other —and to your kids. (Diane Sollee, Smartmarriages.com, Subject: Gramma week/marriage skits/finances/The Best Gift Ever)

• I think the one thing I’ll never forget about my mother-in-law, Sheila, is the night I came to her with a struggle in my marriage. She listened to me, cried with me, and then prayed with me —all on the way to get take-out Chinese food! Then she gently told me this too would pass. She advised me not to get so entangled in this difficulty that I lost sight of my husband Brendan’s love for me or, more importantly, God’s loving hand in our marriage. She reminded me that we usually don’t grow in the mountaintop times, but in the valleys. She said when this problem was behind us, we would be on top looking down once again. I’ve held this godly piece of advice close to my heart and have repeated it to myself many times! (Keri Schwartz, from Todayschristianwoman.com article “Marvelous Mother-in-Laws”)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• Over the years, we’ve blended our two styles, thanks to our gradual understanding that those styles had an origin outside our marriage. Mark and I weren’t fatally incompatible, just two different people whose personalities had been shaped by different experiences. Growing to know and understand each other’s families became an important key to unlocking that puzzle. I now share a part in Mark’s family history, as he does in mine. And all the family stories, both tragic and happy, open a new window into the growing-up years of the man I love. (Renae Bottom, from the Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “In Love with My In-Laws”)

• If I could make some practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Don’t feel that it’s your task to change them. If they aren’t Christians, certainly you’ll want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but don’t try to fit them into your mold. You’re expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same. Don’t criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor. (From the book, “Toward a Growing Marriage” by Gary Chapman)

• Tread lightly when it comes to criticizing your in-laws. Your spouse knows more negative things about his or her parents than you do, whether or not they’re expressed. Even repeating a complaint your spouse has made about his or her parents could be taken as a offense by your mate. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The truth is, setting aside our will doesn’t come easily. It feels like “giving in,” and no one likes to do that —especially when you’re convinced the other person’s wrong. But that’s exactly what Jesus did by dying on the cross for us when we were very much in the wrong. If just one woman takes the initiative to “set herself aside,” whether she’s the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, it will make a tremendous difference to them both. (Elisabeth Graham, from article, “The Other Woman”, Marriage Partnership Magazine, Nov/Dec 2003)

• What if every day we included the Lord in our relationships with our in-laws? What if we began the morning by saying, “Lord, this day is yours. I am yours. Help me act like it.” The Lord already knows we’re upset over some of the statements folks make, so we might as well talk to him about them. Remember 1 Samuel 17 where David faced Goliath? In verse 47 he said, “It is [the Lord’s] battle, not ours.“ But often we forget that and try to make every battle our own. (From the book, “Men read Newspapers, Not Minds” by Sandra Aldrich)

• Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• What if you are an In-law? At the time of our children’s marriage, our training ends, and their independence reaches fruition. It is hoped that we have helped them move from a state of complete dependence on us, when infants, to complete independence as newlyweds. From this point, we must view them as adults who will chart their own course for better or for worse. We must never again impose our will upon them. We must respect them as equals. This does not mean that we will no longer help them, but it means that all help must be given in a responsible manner that will enhance independence rather than dependence. (From the book, “Toward a Growing Marriage” by Gary Chapman)

• When Sue’s son began seriously dating a young woman, she was heartsick. The girl had a vastly different background that was in direct conflict with Sue’s family. She spent agonizing hours in prayer over the relationship, hoping it wouldn’t progress to marriage. When it did, however, Sue resolutely pushed back her dismay and welcomed the young woman into their family. “I willed myself to accept my daughter-in-law,” she said, “because my son had chosen her.” (Elizabeth Graham, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• Biblically, husbands and wives are supposed to leave their parents’ family unit in order to start a family unit of their own. Although there may have been a period of time when both of them were single and on their own, they were still considered part of their primary family unit. Once they’re married, however, they form their own independent primary unit —they become one with their spouse. This is similar to the process of a mother who carries her child to term, feeding and caring for him or her by way of an attached umbilical cord. The moment that child is born, the umbilical cord is cut, making the infant an independent-though-still-interdependent being. That child now eats his or her own food, breathes his or her own air, and eliminates his or her own waste, independent of the mother.

God has created the family structure to evolve this way, too. Once a child is married, the umbilical cord of a dependent existence is cut. Unfortunately, many in-laws have a tough time with this because, in their minds, their child is still their “baby.” But a baby that stays past his or her term connected to the mother can never develop and will eventually die. This is why a child is called an offspring. One day that child is intended to “spring off” into his or her own independent existence. In-laws can pray for their married children and encourage and love them. But they must beware of attempts to reconnect the umbilical cord of dependence and, thus, tragically interfere with God’s plan for the married couple’s oneness —a oneness, which characterizes His own relationships with His Bride, the church. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

• My favorite piece of advice in this area came from a woman who’d had a difficult relationship with her mother-in-law but a good relationship with her two daughters-in-law. “Forget everything you know about your child,” she told me. “Let your daughter-in-law discover him on her own.” In other words, no matter how wise you are or how valuable your advice might be, until it’s ready to be received, it’s worthless! Keep it to yourself until it’s asked for. (Elizabeth Graham, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• One of the most common reasons some in-laws smother a marriage is because they feel like they have a right to. Where would such an idea come from, you ask? Usually from a financial string that keeps them tightly tied to you. So if you’re feeling smothered, it may be because you haven’t yet unhooked yourself financially. Of course, the indebtedness may not be only financial. It could be that you’re relying on Mom and Dad for regular childcare because it’s convenient and cheap. However this kind of favor isn’t always as “cheap” as you might think. So consider why your in-laws might feel that they have a right to meddle in your marriage and then do something to change it. (From the book, “Questions Couples Ask” by Dr’s Les and Leslie Parrott)

• It’s a common story: After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes “home to mother” or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect to your spouse and makes it hard for the parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. Even if you and your spouse reconcile within hours or days after your argument, family members may not know that. They might carry that memory of the fight you had, have a hard time believing that everything is okay, and remain suspicious of your partner.

Expecting parents to referee your conflicts isn’t realistic or wise. It would be hard for them to be objective about your marriage. The best thing they can do when you come to them in the midst of an argument is to send you home to work it out. One exception would be conflict that involves violence. Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It’s not helpful to just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The number one rule [in marriage] is that the husband and wife are the center of the home. They are not to allow anyone—not an in-law, friend, or child —to come between the two of them. Their oneness is the seed from which the entire plant of unity blossoms. Therefore, it is likely that they will be the first to come. All attacks are not overt; some are covert, appearing quite innocent on the surface but very dangerous. These covert attacks may involve attempts by friends and in-laws to influence the decisions that are made in your house for your family. Always inform people who offer advice that you will discuss their ideas with your spouse and then, together, you’ll make a decision. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

The following are quotes from various resources on the subject of dealing with your parents:

• A marriage is not a joining of two worlds, but an abandoning of two worlds in order that one new one might be formed. In this sense, the call to be married bears comparison with Jesus’ advice to the rich young man to sell all his possessions and to follow Him. It is a vocation to total abandonment. For most people, in fact, marriage is the single most wholehearted step they will ever take toward a fulfillment of Jesus’ command to love one’s neighbor as oneself. (Mike Mason, The Mystery of Marriage)

• Marriage is more than sharing a life together; it’s building a life together. What you do now is for both, and what is said now is for both. What your purpose is now is for the kingdom and giving glory to the image of God. (Norm Wright, One Marriage Under God)

• When you marry, it’s to approach life as a team “from this day forth.” It’s to change the way we live. (Cindy Wright)

• With the life mate decision, you’re not only marrying a person of the opposite sex, you’re determining: your future mother-in-law; your future father-in-law; your children’s grandparents; your children’s other parent; your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws; where you, and your children, will likely spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for the next fifty plus years. The success or failure of your marriage impacts a lot of people. Communicate honestly and clearly on these issues. Your extended family for generations to come will be influenced by your discussions and your decisions. (From the book, “Getting to Really Know Your Life-Mate-to-Be” by Bobb and Cheryl Biehl)

• Much of who you are today is a product of your past. You and your fiancé have probably not attempted to conceal your background from each other. But you may not have taken the time needed to adequately examine how your past influences your future. One of the most underestimated influences on your new marriage is your family. When most couples marry today they assume that their marriage is between two people who want to become one. In reality, it is two people and two families that are coming together to form a new merger. You will leave your father and mother so that you can cleave and become one. However, as you will see in the years ahead, your family’s impact on your new family must not be minimized, but rather understood and planned for. (Dennis Rainey, Preparing for Marriage)

•Alan and Lauri were leaving the church following the reception when Alan’s mother came rushing out with a formal looking piece of paper and a pen in her hand. “I know you’re eager to leave, and I want you to,” she said, “But this is so important. It will take just a minute. Alan, I need your signature on this form. I’ve already signed it.” Alan looked puzzled but took the paper, quickly read it and then with a big smile signed it with a flourish and handed it back to his mother. His mother then gave the form to Lauri, and with moist eyes and a friendly smile said, “Lauri, this paper belongs to you —and so does Alan.

I used to be the Number One woman in Alan’s life. I’ll always be his mother, but this is my declaration that I’m transferring the position of being Number One woman to you. “This is a signed certificate giving this position to you, as well as my announcement to Alan, to be sure that he understands this change. Have a wonderful honeymoon. I love you both.” With that, Alan’s mother turned and walked away with both Lauri and Alan smiling; but now the tears were in their eyes. This was a wedding gift. What do you think the first 5 years were like for this couple? (Norman Wright, from the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage”)

• As you’re getting started in your new life, it’s imperative that you and your husband —not your parents —set the guidelines and boundaries that will be most supportive of your marriage in the long run. But get ready. Making these adjustments will most likely be more challenging for you than it will be for your husband. (Susan Devries, Bobbie Wolgemuth, from the book: The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life)

• Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• What you say and do now in relation to your in-laws (and parents) will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important because it is difficult to undo the first impression. Go slow and listen more than talk. Different families have different ways to show love, affection, approval, etc. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• I wrote a book called “The Tribute and the Promise,” (now titled The Best Gift You Can Give Your Parents) and in that book I told the story of this couple and the practical way of reassuring the mom that needs the reassurance, that she is going to be loved; that her adult daughter is not withdrawing from the relationship. And so what this young lady did was she actually wrote a tribute to her mom and dad and both she and her husband, I believe it was at Christmas or maybe for their anniversary, went home. They read this tribute to them, gave it to them in a frame and, as a reminder of all they’d done right, and then the husband turned to the parents and said, “There really are some boundaries that need to establish around our marriage and around our family for the good health of our relationship.”

And he began to lay those out in a very clear —and not in a hurtful way —came out of the flow of the honor that had been given to those adult parents. And, as a result, what happened was the daughter was released by her mother and her father to become her own mother and her own wife and woman. And that couple were released from the control because they had delivered honor back to their parents, and the parents began to back off, realizing that what they were doing was unhealthy.

But it took the courage of both the husband and the wife of going back to the parents and of establishing the boundaries, and I can’t say it strong enough that I believe in these situations, it is the husband who must step forward. They can do it as a team. I think that’s a beautiful picture at that point. But many times it takes that husband stepping in because the daughter has been manipulated for so many years, and she’s been emotionally blackmailed in that relationship. She can’t do it. She needs someone who is objective. She needs someone who will do it lovingly without getting angry, who has prayed over it, and who will go back with the spirit of Jesus Christ –going back to bring hope and healing and some wholesome relationships to adult children with their parents. (Dennis Rainey, from radio interview on Family Life Today program, titled “Control Freak.”)

• Newlyweds should always follow the golden rule in dealing with their in-laws because if everything goes “right” one day, newlyweds will also be parents-in-law. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• Holiday visits: Often, there is blind defensive loyalty to one’s own family. For that reason, a new spouse can be seen as a critical intruder. So begin by frankly acknowledging each family’s traditions and desires. One family might view Christmas as a major reunion that lasts several days —and nights. A spouse who accustomed to a different style of celebration might prefer instead to split up the time between the two families. It would be easy to read a new son-or-daughter-in-law’s departure from the “norm” as a rejection of the time-honored tradition. So it’s crucial that you prepare your family for some changes and offer an explanation so your spouse won’t come across as the “bad guy.” (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• “Within every new family, there are so many issues of ‘intentional togetherness,'” says Bryan Brook [Ph.D., an author and Denver-area couples counselor]. None, perhaps, is as highly charged as holiday time, but you probably know that already. What you may not know is why that is so. It turns out that holiday pressures go way beyond shopping and who’s cooking what and what time to show up —they have to do with exaggerated feelings. “Because we’re supposed to feel more love” during certain times or days of the year, Brook explains, the tension that would already be apparent, say, on any given non-holiday Tuesday in July is heightened on holidays. And then, if the love doesn’t magically multiply —more and more on cue —a couple may wonder, “What’s wrong with this picture?” when there may not be anything wrong at all. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. However, don’t hesitate to turn to parents for help if serious problems arise such as drug, alcohol or physical abuse. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• Tugs from the in-laws may not seem as intrusive when each knows that he’s “Number One” with the other spouse. The bond grows between husband and wife when each considers the other’s needs and wishes before those of anyone else. Indeed in Genesis the Bible directs, “Therefore shall a man leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) Establishing this “baseline” is perhaps the most important step in heading off in-law conflict. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• 1. “Leave  —This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one …there will be a ‘leaving.’ The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one (‘let not man put asunder‘ (Matthew 19:6). Problems occur in family life when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is treated as the primary relationship. When an adult child has married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly-formed union is seriously threatened.

2. “Cleave —the Hebrew word translated ‘cleave’ refers to 1) the pursuing hard after someone else and 2) being glued or stuck to something/someone. So a man is to pursue hard after his wife after the marriage has occurred (the courtship should not end with the wedding vows!) and is to be ‘stuck to her like glue.’ This cleaving indicates such closeness that there should be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses, not with any former friend or with any parent.

3. “And they shall become one flesh —Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity. There is to be such sharing and oneness in every aspect (physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, etc.) that the resulting unity can be best described as ‘one flesh.’ When there is greater sharing and emotional support gained from a continuing parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the oneness within the marriage is being seriously threatened and is un-biblical.” (Lin Burgess, from the Tellinitlikeitis.net article, “What Does it Mean to ‘Leave and Cleave’ in Traditional Wedding Vows?”

• Maggie Scarf points out in her book Intimate Partners, that when couples marry, they must set about redefining themselves in line with their new visions of themselves and in line with their different definitions of reality. This, as you might expect, does not happen neatly in the first week or month of marriage. Especially when you’ve got in-laws mixed into the melange. “Each member of the pair,” Scarf writes, “has… come into the marriage with a different autobiography; the specific family cultures from which they spring have impressed certain ideas and beliefs into their psyches.

…The major struggle, in the early phase of marriage, is about what the themes of their new, jointly scripted scenario will be.” The minor struggles, meanwhile, are the day-to-day dealings about casting aside parts of the past and deciding what you call your in-laws: Mom? Dad? Or do you dare to use their first names? The unofficial rule: If you’re comfortable enough to ask them, chances are you’ll be able to call them Mom and Dad. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

• After each receives the mate God has provided, the next step for the husband and wife is to join forces. The Bible’s word for this is cleave, which literally means to stick together like glue in a permanent bond. As the melodrama of God’s presentation of Eve to Adam comes to a close, the scripture says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

Cleaving is not just about sex, although the beautiful act of sexual intercourse certainly illustrates the physical aspect of becoming “one flesh.” Cleaving is much more. Another good word for it is commitment, a total lifelong decision to stick together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Without question, it’s a challenge for both spouses to accept all the differences in each other when they marry. But this is God’s plan; in spite of the things in your mate that repel, He wants you to receive and cleave. And the result is a partnership of exponential strength and awesome potential. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• Being “one flesh” with someone [is] primarily a Hebrew way of saying one family, flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities and loyalties. No, and this was and remains quite radical, marriage is a union that dissolves the old bonds, the old loyalties, the old priorities, and creates one new family, with all that entails —one new set of priorities, one new set of fundamental loyalties. (Michael Lawrence, from the Boundless.org article, “Sex Is Not About Waiting”)

• In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the winning team is usually the one that made the most significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at halftime —give their players the key adjustments that will gain them the advantage in the final quarters. A winning marriage requires the same mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring proactive adjustments await them in their relationship. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• I have seen adult sons move out of their homes and marry without really leaving. To leave involves far more than moving out. It means to be physically, emotionally and financially independent from one’s parents, rather than retaining any vestige of dependence upon them. Of course, it must be recognized that when dependency remains, it may be because of either the adult child’s or the parents’ desires. It’s interesting to note that two of the factors sociologists have identified as being highly significant to the success of a marriage are whether people have emotionally separated from their parents in a healthy way, and whether they have had an opportunity to live on their own by themselves before they married. If both of these conditions existed, they have a better opportunity for a successful marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or her relationship with parents instead of with you, there’s a problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an affair. Sometimes this problem begins when a wife feels frustrated over her husband’s seeming lack of interest in conversing about her day; she starts talking with her parents instead. Sometimes the husband is the frustrated one; it’s common for mother and son to have long or frequent conversations that leave the wife feeling ignored. Neither scenario is appropriate. Respect for each other is the key. In this situation, respect might require that the spouse maintaining an overly close relationship with his or her parents will decrease that contact in order to show love for the spouse.

…This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first; then your bond to your spouse, then to any children you might have, then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• However committed a couple may be to a marriage as a permanent bond, it may have a certain tenuousness to it simply because of it’s newness. For many, this is a time of tension between loyalties. And if the parent-child bond was strong and healthy, the attachment to parents may feel stronger than the attachment to the new spouse. This can make the separation painful for both the parents and the adult child. Part of the tension can be accentuated by the choice between which family pattern to follow, “your family’s or my family’s?” Building the new marriage must take center stage, especially during the first year of marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Often new husbands and wives assume they’ll be loved and accepted by in-laws on the merit of having married the in-laws’ child. This may be the case, but it usually takes time to establish trust and respect. Just as it takes time to build other close relationships, gaining acceptance into a family doesn’t happen instantly. After all, you’re stepping into a family with a long history of established bonds. Don’t be too hard on yourself and expect too much. If your relationship with your own parents is wonderful, the one with your mother- and father-in-law may never measure up. If your relationship with your parents isn’t good, you may be too needy and demanding in trying to make up for it. The number-one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is your spouse’s support. As with all close relationships, it’s an art to support your spouse without jumping into the fight or feeding his or her discontent. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The responsibility of married couples to each other involves a total commitment. This means literally “forsaking all others.” This not only includes in-laws and parents, but friends, fishing companions, tennis cronies and so on, for the sake of the marriage. When a husband and wife marry, they commit themselves to the task of building a good and enriching marriage. We don’t usually make lifetime commitments to friends or business associates, but only to our spouses.

Joseph and Lois Bird suggest: “If the relationship with parents, friends, or relatives —their visits, actions, or influence —has a negative effect on our relationship with the one person to whom we have committed ourselves, we can make no rational choice other than to curtail —or even terminate —contacts with our parents (or others). The responsibility rests on each one of us. If necessary we may have to take steps which could alienate our parents, and they may be deeply hurt.” The authors go on to say that this advice isn’t intended to hurt anyone, least of all one’s parents or friends. It’s simply a matter of priorities, and making choices for the marriage, not against anyone. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• It really is scary to confront someone who you love deeply, realizing that they will hurt. You know, one of the things that I’ve learned, is that when we are overly controlling, so often what’s at the root of that is a high level of anxiety, and anxiety is underneath there and, of course, this mom is anxious. She’s afraid of losing her daughter. She cares so deeply, maybe she’s afraid of having no meaning in her life. Maybe the only thing that meant anything to her was being a mom, and now she sees a chance through this grandson to extend that meaning again and recapture some of that joy she felt.

And so if this daughter can find a way to reassure her mom’s root anxiety —of course, she doesn’t have to be the one who magically intuits what the need is, but if she can find a way to say, “You won’t lose me. You will not lose this grandchild if you can find a way to respect this relationship and allow our marriage to thrive, you’ll have us in your life, only we’ll be choosing it. You won’t have to push yourself into our life.” (Dr Les Parrott, from radio interview on Family Life Today program, titled “Control Freak.”)

• When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication, but you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution with a life of its own —a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ. (Dr Randy Carlson)

• In-law problems in general suggest that unfinished business —incompleted passages —lie in the background. Keep in mind that this is a broad generalization: Severe in-law friction indicates a cross-generational problem that, if not resolved, will fester in the present generation and infect the next ones. (From the book, Passages of Marriage by Minirith, Newman and Hemfelt)

• Cutting the cord between mother and son is a process that has to be relived from time to time. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Setting up your own household doesn’t mean you must terminate the relationship with your parents. You’re to leave them, not forsake them or forgo all their influence. Their hard-won experience can still play a vital role in your lives. Consider the biblical examples of Naomi, the mother-in-law who had a beautiful relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth. And recall Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses, who pulled him aside and told him he was working himself to death. Taking his advice made Moses’ service to God much more effective. (Ed Young in The 10 Commandments of Marriage)

• If parents need to be confronted or informed, agree that their own child —not the son-or daughter-in-law —will do the talking. Protecting your marriage is a priority; the newest addition to the family doesn’t need another reason to be dissected by the in-laws. Each spouse needs to know that he or she will be protected by the other, even if husband and wife disagree and the in-laws are meddlesome. (Sandra Lunberg, from book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences. Also remember to keep your relationship with each set of parents separate and positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents does not need to know everything the other is doing, such as how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• When it comes to dealing with an in-law who doesn’t seem to accept you, here are the main principles to remember: • Learn to support your spouse without getting hooked into taking sides. • Encourage your spouse to share his or her feelings directly with you. Keep a sense of humor. • Show your spouse that he or she is number one in your eyes. • Don’t take things too personally. • Remember, building a relationship takes time. • Forgive, forgive, forgive. • Remember that you’re loving your spouse by honoring his or her parents.

One more idea: When confronted with what feels like a no-win situation involving an in-law, use the “drop the rope” theory. Imagine a rope, the kind used in tug-of-war. If you find yourself provoked, see that rope in your hands. You can choose to continue yanking on it —or drop it. Dropping it may sound as though you’re giving in or giving up, but it’s actually very empowering. It’s also much more effective than tugging back and forth. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• When Sue’s son began seriously dating a young woman, she was heartsick. The girl had a vastly different background that was in direct conflict with Sue’s family. She spent agonizing hours in prayer over the relationship, hoping it wouldn’t progress to marriage. When it did, however, Sue resolutely pushed back her dismay and welcomed the young woman into their family. “I willed myself to accept my daughter-in-law,” she said, “because my son had chosen her. (Elizabeth Graham, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

• Biblically, husbands and wives are supposed to leave their parents’ family unit in order to start a family unit of their own. Although there may have been a period of time when both of them were single and on their own, they were still considered part of their primary family unit. Once they’re married, however, they form their own independent primary unit —they become one with their spouse. This is similar to the process of a mother who carries her child to term, feeding and caring for him or her by way of an attached umbilical cord. The moment that child is born, the umbilical cord is cut, making the infant an independent-though-still-interdependent being. That child now eats his or her own food, breathes his or her own air, and eliminates his or her own waste, independent of the mother.

God has created the family structure to evolve this way, too. Once a child is married, the umbilical cord of a dependent existence is cut. Unfortunately, many in-laws have a tough time with this because, in their minds, their child is still their “baby.” But a baby that stays past his or her term connected to the mother can never develop and will eventually die. This is why a child is called an offspring. One day that child is intended to “spring off” into his or her own independent existence. In-laws can pray for their married children and encourage and love them. But they must beware of attempts to reconnect the umbilical cord of dependence and, thus, tragically interfere with God’s plan for the married couple’s oneness —a oneness which characterizes His own relationships with His Bride, the church. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

• One of the most common reasons some in-laws smother a marriage is because they feel like they have a right to. Where would such an idea come from, you ask? Usually from a financial string that keeps them tightly tied to you. So if you’re feeling smothered, it may be because you haven’t yet unhooked yourself financially. Of course, the indebtedness may not be only financial. It could be that you’re relying on Mom and Dad for regular child care because it’s convenient and cheap. However this kind of favor isn’t always as “cheap” as you might think. So consider why your in-laws might feel that they have a right to meddle in your marriage and then do something to change it. (From the book, “Questions Couples Ask” by Dr’s Les and Leslie Parrott)

• It’s a common story: After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes “home to mother” or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect to your spouse and makes it hard for the parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. Even if you and your spouse reconcile within hours or days after your argument, family members may not know that. They might carry that memory of the fight you had, have a hard time believing that everything is okay, and remain suspicious of your partner.

Expecting parents to referee your conflicts isn’t realistic or wise. It would be hard for them to be objective about your marriage. The best thing they can do when you come to them in the midst of an argument is to send you home to work it out. One exception would be conflict that involves violence. Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It’s not helpful to just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• The number one rule [in marriage] is that the husband and wife are the center of the home. They are not to allow anyone —not an in-law, friend, or child —to come between the two of them. Their oneness is the seed from which the entire plant of unity blossoms. Therefore, it is likely that they will be the first to come. All attacks are not overt; some are covert, appearing quite innocent on the surface but very dangerous. These covert attacks may involve attempts by friends and in-laws to influence the decisions that are made in your house for your family. Always inform people who offer advice that you will discuss their ideas with your spouse and then, together, you’ll make a decision. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)

• Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need to build your own marriage now —not in the future when you have less stress. So take the following 4 tips: (1) Deal with false guilt. You simply can’t be all things to all people. Remember, you can do what you can do, and that’s all you can do. (2) Don’t feel responsible for what you can’t control. Anxiety tends to appear when we feel responsible for things we can’t control. So remember the prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” You may even want to make a list of what you can do and can’t do. (3) Get advice from others. Older friends have been a great source of information for us. Observe those with healthy extended family relationships. Ask questions. Read books. Do whatever you can to gather helpful information. (4) Get a life. Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need a life of your own. And your marriage needs maintenance, especially in these stressful years. (From the book, “The Second Half of Marriage” by David and Claudia Arp)