The following are quotes and thoughts from various resources on the subject of Surviving Infidelity and Safe-guarding the marriage so the ability to build up and give into temptation is defused. We pray they will minister to your situation:
• We all have those moments that some call “suddenly’s.” Moments that forever change the path of our lives. That moment for my husband and me happened on a cold January evening in 1993. Gary came home and confessed to a three year adulterous affair. What followed that confession is a blur of pain and confusion that some counselors liken to post traumatic stress syndrome. Dr. Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends”, tells us that according to therapists who treat couples, infidelity is the second most difficult relationship problem, surpassed only by domestic violence. The point is this; adultery is undeniably an overwhelming issue that requires additional resources for the couple attempting to recover. (Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful —Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity)
• Think your husband [or wife] is having an affair?
Here’s what you should do. 1. Don’t confront him [or her] until you know what you’ll do with the information, advises Peggy Vaughan. Do you really want to know the truth, or are you just hoping for reassurance? 2. Be open to the prospect of either staying or leaving, in order to make the best decision. 3. Don’t make the decision to divorce too quickly, or you will forever second-guess yourself. 4. If you do decide to stay, it takes about two years for the marriage to recover if both partners are committed to working on it. (Jennifer D’Angelo Friedman, in Tango.com article “Did Elin Woods ‘Look the Other Way’?”)
• In the initial stages after discovering a spouse’s betrayal, it is very difficult to cope.
We go into shock, sometimes anger, we can’t think straight. Some of us behave like obsessive neurotics, doing all we can to win back our spouse (as if it were our fault in the first place). ‘Surviving Infidelity.’ This would be an appropriate term because that is exactly what we are doing, surviving one moment at a time.
Most of us reported the inability to eat or sleep and significant weight loss. We were unable to cope with our regular jobs. One woman reported being on the edge of an emotional break down. Another remembered having to go to her job, only to find herself racing out of an important meeting to vomit, and then returning, attempting to appear somewhat composed. Embarrassed, ashamed and not free to share the truth, she commented to those concerned, “I must have gotten food poisoning.”
We must live through this mess. We have no choice, but how? How can we go about the overwhelming task of surviving infidelity? One day at a time? No, even that is too much. When I was going through it, I survived only one moment at a time. (Anne Bercht, from article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity” featured at Beyondaffairs.com)
• Where did I go wrong? Did I cause this?
Sometimes it is difficult to pinpoint where someone’s compulsive sexual activity originated because many factors lead to sexual betrayal in marriage. Often, people hope that by getting married they will cure their compulsive behavior once and for all. The problems are not so easily buried, however, and the behavior will usually re-emerge in the marriage.
Because affairs are the end result of so many things, if you are wondering if you did something to cause your spouse’s behavior, rest assured the answer is no. All marriages have deficits and all marriages have difficult problems, but not all marriages experience affairs as a result of these problems. The good news is, now that the behavior is in the open, you can work towards resolving it and discover healthy ways of addressing the issues in your relationship. (From the Affair Recovery Center web site at Affairrecovery.com)
• It’s so important that we separate marital issues from affair issues.
They must remain 2 separate issues if the marriage is to be healed. If they are not kept separate, the betrayed spouse struggles for ongoing years with unhealthy obsessiveness that goes something like this:
Am I pretty enough? Are we having enough recreational companionship? Are we having enough sex? Enough sexual 10’s? Am I being a good enough father? Is the house clean enough? The list is endless, and living with this list, believing it’s directly connected to the possibility of your spouse having another affair, is like living with a ball and a chain around your leg. You may as well be in prison. No one can live this way.
I’m all for spouses working towards meeting each others needs and being conscious and intentional about their marriages. I highly recommend it, but not when we attach, “And if you get it wrong on any given day, I might have an affair.” No one gets it perfect all the time. I need permission to fail sometimes and know that my spouse will seek a healthy way of dealing with his dissatisfaction, not that my failure to get it right is going to lead to the pain of betrayal. (Anne Bercht, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “Contributing to Marital Problems vs. Causing an Affair”)
TO THE UNFAITHFUL:
• “Step up to the plate, and take responsibility. The affair will change your relationship. It can change it for good or for worse. Which way it goes from here depends on what you decide to do. …Do not minimize facts about the affair. That’s lying. Be utterly truthful. For example, if your spouse asks how long was the affair, and it was a year, don’t say it was 6 months long thinking somehow that will hurt your spouse less. It’s going to hurt them more, because you are lying when you claim to be telling the truth. They will find out!” (Brian and Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com article, “9 Important Keys for Healing a Marriage After an Affair”)
• “I use an iron-clad rule that the straying spouse must stop making any contact with his or her lover immediately. Plus, he or she should never see or talk to that person again. To explain why my rule is so rigid and extreme, I tell clients that I view an affair as an addiction. An alcoholic, for example, must abstain from all alcohol if he/she expects to control the addictive behavior. As with alcohol, the temptation to return to a lover must be controlled one day at a time. The best way for a person to become disentangled in an affair is to avoid all contact with his/her lover.” (Willard F. Harley, Jr. from “His Needs Her Needs”)
TO THE BETRAYED:
• “Be careful with your reactions. Don’t do and say things in your anger that you can’t take back, which can cause deep wounds, drive your spouse away, and further damage your relationship. Don’t lose your dignity by lowering yourself, or embarrassing yourself. And by all means, don’t break the law. You will not feel better at all if you end up sitting in jail! We know you are deeply wounded, and we know what you are suffering is not fair, but inflicting more wounds is counterproductive to your own healing and well-being.
“…Healing from affairs is a process. Lean into the pain, and go through it. Trying to bury it, skirt around it, or avoid the issues will keep you stuck, prolonging the agony.” (Brian and Anne Bercht, From Beyondaffairs.com article, “9 Important Keys for Healing a Marriage After an Affair”)
• How does one rebuild trust in a marriage after an affair?
Very slowly, as the infidel proves himself or herself trustworthy repeatedly over time. We believe trust cannot be reestablished by only one person—it requires hard work by both husband and wife. That means the infidel will have to prove himself or herself over and over again. That means the spouse will have to be open to rebuilding the trust. However, trust does not require blinders. We don’t trust because we know what will or will not happen. We trust someone because we know choose to believe he or she will make the right choice.
What worked well for us was Gary’s willingness to be accountable for all things. Mona didn’t have to check on him; he initiated the contact and checked in. He avoided all situations that could have even a hint of deception, and thus Mona didn’t feel a need to monitor everything he did. The onus really seems to fall on the infidel here. This person sets the stage and the atmosphere. If he or she is willing to be open about activities, phone calls, travel plans, and to go out of the way to include a spouse in decisions, the spouse is able to relax. When the infidel is willing to be transparent, then both husband and wife can move through the slow yet rewarding process of rebuilding trust. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful”)
• What if my spouse won’t admit there’s a problem?
It is not necessary for your spouse to admit there is a problem for God to begin working. God does not allow these types of situations in our lives to bring problems to us, but rather to reveal problems in us. The healing process may well begin as we stop living to the demands of our spouse and begin looking to God for our peace and security. As we place our faith in God, in time He will reveal His truth to us. In the meantime, there are others who have been where you are now who can help you uncover the truth as well as provide their insight and support on how to survive the ordeal you are facing. (Affair Recovery Center web site at Affairrecovery.com)
• Many times people want to know the definition of betrayal.
To some, it is about having intercourse and other sexual contact with another person. With others, betrayal is more about one’s spouse feeling emotionally connected to someone else- late conversations of a personal nature with a co-worker, or an on-going, intimate friendship with another person. To others, it is secrecy. This may involve secret email accounts, cell phones, Internet behavior, or an unwillingness to share information about whereabouts, spending habits, or life plans.
The fact is, there is no universal definition of betrayal. When two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. Therefore, if one person feels threatened or betrayed, his or her spouse must do some soul searching and change in ways to accommodate those feelings. In other words, betrayal is in the eye of the beholder. If you or your partner feel betrayed, you need to change what you’re doing to make the marriage work. (Michele Weiner-Davis, from article “Ten things You Need to Know About Affairs”)
• The first temptation of the abandoned person is to deny that abandonment has happened.
They hide their true feelings. Denial will not change the reality. We encourage you to feel your pain, to realize that every one of the emotions that surged through you in the first moments and every moment since then is a normal sensation. In fact, it would be abnormal not to feel those emotions. Be poised, not pathetic. It’s very different to say, I am a person and I have this problem than to say, I am a problem, and I’ve lost my personhood.
The goal is to be a poised person who says to himself or herself, I am a person who has a problem, but I’m going to work toward a solution. Maintain your dignity as a person —refusing to accept the negative messages that the circumstances may seem to be giving you (“you’re inadequate; you’re sexually deficient; you’re dumb”). Realize that these are false messages. (Mid-Life Dimensions, Midlife.com)
• Do not make a life altering decision while you are in the initial stages of surviving infidelity.
Even though it may feel as though there is no hope at all for your relationship, there may still be hope. Even though your spouse has done this awful thing, it is possible that he/she still loves you very much and perhaps you still love your spouse as well. …Many people have completely ended their relationships in the emotion of the moment, only to find themselves later in a 2nd marriage to someone who is 2nd best. Later both spouses realize that they both had actually loved each other more than anyone else and they could have worked it out, had they only tried. Don’t doom yourself to a future filled with “what ifs.” (Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity”)
• Going through the aftermath of adultery is much like grieving the death of a loved one.
Whether or not you and your spouse reconcile, it is important for you to give yourself the right to grieve. You’ve been through a terrible betrayal. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. You’ve been hurt and those feelings of betrayal and grief are normal and to be expected. However, it’s important that you take those feelings of hurt to the Lord and allow Him to minister to you and heal you. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit washes us with the water of the Word. The Bible is His Word. Begin to read it and allow the Lord to wash over you with healing for your emotions. (Jimmy Evans, from Growthtrac.com article “Surviving Adultery”)
• When surviving infidelity, give yourself permission to mourn.
Something has been stolen from you. You can never get it back. Something has been lost forever. You will never again be able to know that since your marriage you are the only one your husband/wife has ever been with. The most important promise, a vow, has been broken. Life will never be the same again. And it’s okay to cry about that. Then force yourself to get up, dress nicely and do something constructive every day. I know you don’t feel like it, but I’m cheering for you. You can conquer this great evil that seeks to destroy your entire existence. You’re surviving infidelity. (Anne Bercht, from Beyondaffairs.com article “Ten Strategies for Surviving Infidelity”)
• One of the first things an angry, grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again.
Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the aisle to the altar, confess his sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.
The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.
The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse.
If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one.
But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
It Takes Time to Heal
• You will read over and over again that healing [after your spouse has committed adultery] took “time.” We all want to know just how long that time is. We have sat across from couples weary from the effort and battle, tears streaming down their faces, saying, “It’s been (insert specific time here). Isn’t that long enough?” The answer is “apparently not.” The length of your recovery and your spouse’s recovery cannot be predetermined —and most likely you will be on different time schedules. The realization that we were “fully healed” came as a surprise —a surprise that it had happened some time before.
We encourage you to give up any timetable you may have in your brain; it will only frustrate you and be detrimental to your healing. This is a marathon, not a sprint, a journey with many stops. Enjoy each small victory. Take a short holiday when you must and when you can. As long as either of you has a need to continue working, it’s not over. We can only encourage you with the fact that it is worth the journey. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful”)
• You need to work through the reasons you made the choices to choose each other.
It’s important to figure out what you saw in each other that first attracted you to one another. As you work through that stuff, then you’ll rekindle some of that love and affection. Here’s what we say —If you can find 20% of your marital history at level 4 or 5 on a 1 to 5 scale, 5 being high, you have better than a 93% chance of making your marriage better than it’s ever been in two years. (Dave Carder, on program for Family Life Today from series: Why do Affairs Happen? Broadcast Date: 04/25/06)
• As you and your mate restructure the intimacy in your marriage, realize that it’s going to be a two-steps-forward, one-step-backward process. Much turmoil will remain to be dealt with. Difficult days still lie ahead. But keep this thought firmly in mind: you are in the process of recovery. It won’t happen overnight; in an ultimate sense you’ll never be completely over the affair. Trauma always changes people, and it should. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
• Experts say that the healing process after a spouse has had an affair usually takes 3-5 years.
• The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line.
At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind the spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings. This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn’t mean that this problem is insurmountable, it just means that this problem is on its way to being resolved. It happens slowly. (Michele Weiner Davis, “Divorce Recovery”)
• TESTIMONY:
We got so weary, feeling like we had done all we could do. We began to ask ourselves if maybe restoring our marriage was just too hard. Then the Lord would remind us that it was indeed too hard for us, but not for Him. He would renew our strength and guide our path; He reminded us of who he was. Some days all we could do was cry out to Him, but that was enough. He who created marriage is worthy of our commitment, and we can trust Him. He is faithful. If this sounds too simplistic, we suggest you sit at His feet in prayer, honestly state your feelings, and ask for His help. Then wait and see what He does. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful.”)
• Adultery recovery is painful.
We believe —we know —that when we seek the Lord and walk this road with Him, there is hope. But the pain remains. Life becomes a roller-coaster ride. You feel as if you have climbed that first and highest hill, dangled over the edge until you think you’ll burst from the suspense, and then been propelled downward at a stomach-clenching rate of speed. All the while, you realize you have no power to control the fall. The pain accompanies you along the path, the highs and the lows. And just when you think you’ve reached the end of the ride, the whole new segment becomes visible. And unlike the roller-coaster ride, there is very little “thrill” to the process.
Most of us fully understand those who say they would give all they have to get off this ride. It affects you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A weariness previously unknown saps you of your strength. In this circumstance, we can come to understand Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 12:9. “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
If there were only one thing we could say to you who are on this ride, it would be to ride it out.
Complete the journey. To jump off in the middle of the ride may feel better now, but in the long run you will find yourself on another ride just as terrifying and painful. (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the terrific book “Unfaithful”)
• For those who are going through the aftermath of finding out about a spouse’s adultery:
Our hearts break for you, and we want you to know there is hope. Marriages can heal. We know, because ours did. We know, because we’ve been able to support other couples facing this anguish. This will be one of the hardest things you will ever go through. It would have been far easier at the time for us to split up. And we would not have been condemned for doing so. That same thing is true for many others.
We know these words seem hard to believe. When you go through this crisis, you feel as if the weight of the world is pressing down on you. Then the fiery darts from hell come faster and faster, and your shield of faith seems to offer little protection. You are fighting for your marriage with every ounce of strength you can muster until you begin to fear you’re going to lose the battle. Remember, this is where Satan wants you, and he will be faithful to keep the burners on high. Why? He wants you to become another statistic. So let us repeat ourselves: You don’t have to give up! You can make it! (Gary and Mona Shriver, from the book “Unfaithful”)
• It sounds unnecessarily painful, like picking at a scab until it bleeds.
But according to a new online survey of more than 1,000 spouses whose partners have been unfaithful, the key to getting past an affair is talking about it at length, over time. Couples who do are “more likely to stay married and more likely to recover personally,” says Peggy Vaughan, author of Beyond Affairs and The Monogamy Myth.
“There’s no such thing as the one talk,” says Vaughan, who has studied extramarital affairs for 25 years. “There’s no quick fix. It is a long-term process.” (Smartmarriages® – Subject: How can you mend a broken vow? – 9/3/02)
• Avoid rapid-fire questioning.
Ask questions slowly, always asking yourself if the answer will be information you want to live with the rest of your life. (Rick Reynolds, from the Affairrecovery.com article, “How to Survive Infidelity”)
• When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn’t they be told what they want to know. They feel they’re being treated like a child, and they resent it. While it’s important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you “should” ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It’s just that it’s essential to get answers if you DO ask.
…Each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It’s important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, “not knowing” is worst of all —because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases. (Peggy Vaughan, from the Beyondaffairs.com article, “The Need to Know”)
• To the person who had the affair:
If your spouse is the sort of person who requires lots of information in order to feel better about the affair, you should be honest. I know this is very difficult and you may be tempted to withhold information, thinking that you’re protecting your spouse. …Sometimes you’ll question whether sharing information is a good idea because your spouse reacts so badly to the things you’ve said. But if your spouse determines that the road to recovery is paved with brutal honesty, that’s the path you need to take no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
…Remember, healing is a process, not a quick fix. Just because your spouse was fine on Monday doesn’t mean s/he will be fine on Thursday. It also doesn’t mean that sharing information isn’t working. Some people think, “I told him/her what happened. If that was so useful, why is s/he still having a problem and needing to talk about it constantly? That’s just the way improvement happens … in waves. You need to continue to be forthcoming, from now until forever. (Michele Weiner Davis, “Divorce Recovery”)
Don’t Forget the Forgiveness Received
• I know a couple who came very close to divorcing. He had an affair and his wife had a hard time trusting him, especially if he was late for dinner or late coming home after work. Once when he was late, she accused him of seeing “her” again. He was about to defend himself and speak harsh words to her about “this never-ending mistrust.” But instead, he thought for a few seconds before opening his mouth and realized just how forgiving and loving she is to have stayed in the marriage. Then when he opened his mouth, he spoke words of kindness and love by saying, “Thank you for your commitment to me and forgiveness.
By questioning me now and then, it only proves to me how much you love me, and I’m so grateful to you!” When he started to react, he caught himself remembering what a great wife she is. That is James 1:19 in action [which says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”]. What a blessing to be able to respond to any situation with positive, uplifting words. This is truly a mark of maturity. Will you take responsibility for your words when you find yourself in a potentially explosive conflict? (Dr Gary Smalley)
• A recovery process must begin with a clean break from the partner.
All shared artifacts —pictures, mementos, and other physical representations of their history together —need to be expunged from the infidel’s life. This means the partners separate physically —move to different locations, change jobs, and so on. It certainly requires them to go to different churches. If such a decisive break is not made, the recovering infidel will struggle with the knowledge of the partner’s whereabouts and will be tempted to renew contact during the bouts of doubt and rejection by the spouse that occur in subsequent phases of recovery. (From the book, Torn Asunder, by Dave Carder)
• Shirley Glass (psychologist, author of the book, NOT Just Friends, and expert on infidelity) says it may sound zealous but the best way to insulate a marriage against infidelity is to maintain some boundaries with members of the opposite sex. “People very seldom expect it to happen to them,” she says. “They don’t expect to ever be in that position, but when they are, it’s a catastrophe.” (Staying in a Marriage Rocked by Straying -By Peter Jensen -The Baltimore Sun August 10, 2003)
• Let’s look at the biblical solution to staying pure.
There is only one: You better RUUUNNN!!! Your passport to purity is a simple formula: Purity = running feet! The solution to the temptation of sexual sin is a twofold mandate: First Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee immorality.” Get out of there and don’t sin in the first place.
Flee! Stay out of situations where trouble might find you. There is no other instruction. Just as God made only one way to Himself (through Jesus), and Christ reemphasized the point by saying spiritual birth must occur (“you must be born again”), it is also true of God’s instruction on how to handle sexual temptation. Run! Set your rules, etch them in stone, make sure you follow them, and then when temptation comes — scram! (Jay Carty, from a chapter he wrote in the book, Lovers for Life, compiled by Kenneth Musko and Janet Dixon)
• Realize the power of your eyes.
Your eyes, it’s been said, are the windows to your heart. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. Reserve that deep type of look for only one person [your spouse]. (Dennis Rainey, My Soapbox)
• Letting your eyes and heart wander. There’s an old song that said, “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends loose for the tie that binds. Because you’re mine, I walk the line.” You know that’s an old song, since the idea of loyalty doesn’t crop up in lyrics much anymore.
I’ve been around long enough to see how subtly the line between “friends” and “lovers” can be blurred. What begins as a pleasant friendship glides silently across the line. The only way to really avoid those boundary violations is to watch for the early warning signs. If you begin to notice that someone lights up your life a little too much, back off! If you find yourself looking forward to the next time you can be together, cancel it. (Louis McBurney, M.D., from an article titled, The Do’s and Don’ts of a Good Marriage)
• Regarding temptation:
I urge you to be wary of pride in your own infallibility. The minute you begin thinking that an affair “would never happen to me” is when you become most vulnerable. We are sexual creatures with powerful urges. We are also fallen beings with strong desires to do wrong. That is what temptation is all about. Do not give it a place in your life. My father once wrote, “Strong desire is like a powerful river. As long as it stays within the banks of God’s will, all will be proper and clean. But when it overflows those boundaries, devastation awaits downstream.”
Some time ago I discovered a little recognized, but universal, characteristic of human nature: We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! Also, we lust for the very thing, which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. This helps explain the incredible power that the lure of infidelity can have on our behavior. Nevertheless, God promises to provide a “way out” of temptation if we will look for it (1 Corinthians 10:13). Keep looking for the way out and you’ll keep building up trust in your marriage. (Dr James Dobson, Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy)
• Flee from sexual immorality.
All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
• Make a pact with a friend of the same sex regarding purity and sexual fidelity to your spouse. Agree to share and ask questions regarding the details of relationships with members of the opposite sex apart from your spouse. Memorize a verse to recall in times of challenge. Recommendation: 1 Corinthians 10:13 says: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (From the book, Lasting Love…How to Avoid Marital Failure -by Alistair Begg, Moody Press)
• Safeguard your marriage.
If you take care of how things look, you’ll end up taking care of how things are. (Jerry Jenkins)
• An unaccountable man is an accident waiting to happen.
If you don’t have someone asking you after you go on a business trip, “How did you do?” you’re an accident waiting to happen. (Pastor Kevin Butcher)
• Psychologist Dave Carder, a family therapist in Fullerton, Calif., says business travelers “are on a slippery slope headed for trouble” any time they go out to an entertainment venue, drink alcohol, eat expensive meals together, have time “to build a social, platonic friendship” and return to the same hotel. “Secrecy is the protection; alcohol is the barrier buster; and availability lights the fire.” (Gary Stoller, from the article, Infidelity is in the Air for Road Warriors, USA TODAY – April 20, 2007)
• A recipe for adultery:
A man named BL, who was talking about how an adulterous relationship began said: “I just felt like I could talk so easily to her. I could share things with her. She was on my level; she could so easily comfort me. And then she was in a bad marriage, too.” Here’s what Dennis Rainey said: “Now there’s a recipe for adultery! I want to remind you of something. Before this man ever had a physical affair, it started out as an emotional affair. Little by little, he allowed his loyalties to his wife to erode, and his affections for her began to wander —which is why it’s critical that all of us guard against inappropriate conversations and emotional transparency with the opposite sex in the workplace.
Most husbands and wives are separate from each other for at least nine hours a day. Now that’s a huge chunk of time! One final thought. Why don’t you go on the offensive? Invest in your husband or wife. Nurture your affection and protect your marriage from harm. You can choose today to say, ‘No,’ to an emotional affair and say, ‘Yes!’ to your marriage.” (Dennis Rainey, Recipe for Adultery, Family Life Today Broadcast)
• Infidelity that is a three-legged stool.
It’s composed of childhood magic, adolescent sexuality, and adult mobility. Meaning that it’s a bubble experience, and the childhood magic stuff. You see a couple that are having an affair, you can see they’re in a bubble. They’re separated from the real world. There is that adolescent passion and feeling, and there’s that adult mobility —they can go anywhere that they want. They have discretionary funds they spend on each other. So it’s an artificial thing, but —I say to couples, most marriages need what most affairs are all about.
And by that I mean you need to build those three components into your marriage —the childhood magic stuff —just us in our little bubble away from all the responsibilities of life, away from all the responsibilities of the children and the career, the adolescent sexuality, the fun, the playfulness we had when we first got married, the passion we had before we were married. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It was a constant struggle. And that adult mobility where you go your own separate ways, you take trips together, you do your own thing, and you really have a lot of fun doing it. BOTTOM LINE? Have an affair within your MARRIAGE [not outside of it —create the magic with your spouse]. (From Family Life Today interview with Dave Carder, “How Do I Rebuild Trust?”)
• 3 ways to escape sexual temptation:
(1) God offers only one solution to the problem of sexual temptation—don’t allow yourself to be tempted. Run, avoid, stay away, leave, flee, turn it off, don’t buy it, and get out of there. Beat feet when sexual temptation comes. Running is God’s only solution to dealing with sexual temptation. (2) Nobody can be trusted with sexual temptation. Pastors, counselors, neighbors, friends and relatives shouldn’t be trusted. Too much time in the wrong setting will cause anyone to fall to sexual sin. (3) Since you know you can’t be trusted, police yourself. Think through an evaluation of your high-risk areas and determine what you are going to do about them. (Excerpted from Counter Attack, by Jay Carty)
• The Bible tells us:
“Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:14-15). Temptation, enticement, desire, sin, death … those are the steps infidelity takes. Because of that, we have to put boundaries in place that keep us from stepping into situations where temptation can take place. (Jill Savage, from article, “8 Safeguards Against Getting Too Close, Marriage Partnership Magazine, Summer 2006)
• If you want to know if you’re risking infidelity, tell your spouse the whole truth about the other relationship. If you find yourself wanting to “edit” the story, you know yourself that you’re playing with fire, even if you want to say you’re protecting the spouse. I agree that secrecy is a key feature of infidelity, so I’d suggest that either spouse has the right to ask and receive a complete and true answer to any question about anything at any time. (Mark Odell, PhD University of Nevada)
• The most important step you can take to affair-proof your marriage:
Improve the connection between you and your husband. Keeping fun and excitement in your marriage, praying daily for your marriage, and having close friends who are happily married are some of your best defenses against temptation. (The Walk Out Woman – by Dr Steve Stephens and Alice Gray)
• Remember, a thirty-five-year marriage does not guarantee a year number thirty-six. Take nothing for granted just because you have it today. (Jim Smoke)
• Don’t forget to nurture your marriage.
We can take a lesson on the way affairs happen by looking at King David. He put himself in the way of temptation when: (1) He chose to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. (2) He chose to be unaccountable. (3) He got proud and minimized the power of his flesh. (2 Samuel 5:10 and Deuteronomy 17:17) (4) He minimized the power of the enemy. (5) He stopped nurturing his marriage to Michel. (Chapter 6) (6) He wasn’t nurturing his own heart. (Pastor Kevin Butcher)
• Researcher Peggy Vaughan and William Harley Jr. have identified four specific things you can do as a couple now to prevent cheating later: —Talk about attractions —Commit to honesty —Make your spouse your favorite recreational companion —Spend time together, without children or friends, during the week. Watching TV and sleeping do not count as spending time together.
• To reconstruct the marriage:
Put up a wall with the affair partner, and put up a window inside the marriage. Answering a spouse’s questions about what happened in the affair is a way to reverse the process. It’s a matter of who’s on the inside and who’s on the outside? Sometimes people will open windows but not put up walls. Sometimes they put up walls but don’t open the windows. Unless you do both, you cannot rebuild safety and trust in the marriage. (Dr Shirley Glass, in the Growthtrac.com article “Shattered Walls”)
• For the betrayed:
God says that His ear is attentive to your cry, in other words, He will comfort you (Isaiah 66:13 / Psalm 34:15-18). To the one who betrayed, He says, “Repent and turn from your wicked ways, and I will restore you” (2 Chronicles 7:14 / Psalms 103:12).
Whatever you may be facing, turn to Him as you face it because nothing is impossible with God, and He always works on behalf of the person who is committed to Him and is trying to do the right thing.
Scriptures for healing your heart:
Isaiah 59:1
Psalm 18:6
Psalm 34:17-18
Proverbs 3:5
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
1 Peter 1:6-9
1 John 1:9
(Jimmy Evans, from Growthtrac.com article “Surviving Adultery” )
(PHILIPPINES) Good day! I want to join in this discussion. I am married and like others, I too, am still coping from my husband’s infidelity 3 years ago. It’s easy to forgive but the pain he has given to me is still hurting until now. He promised not to do it again and I can see he is trying to keep his promise. We do well right now and I am praying to God that our marriage will work because I don’t want my daughter to suffer.
(US) I caught my husband of 26 years having an affair with a woman. He denied it until I read sexual texts. I asked him to move out of the house that day. Since then he is angry I threw him out of the house and has given me a list of why I was a bad wife and justifiied the affair. Now 1 1/2 months later when asked by my daughter if he was seeing her he said yes, but only as friends.I asked him also and he said he was seeing no one, and not her.
Yet tonight he left his truck parked in a grocery store parking lot, had the girl pick him up and take him to her apartment. I approached them in the parking lot when she was dropping him off. Regretfully, I had got a few things off my chest. While it felt good at the time I am afraid it will come back to haunt me. It seems so wrong that the person who has the affair gets mad while the victim goes crazy with so many conflicting emotions. Everyday I struggle while he justs acts as if everything is my fault and seems content.
(PHILIPPINES) I have been married for just a year. It was in the middle of the year when my husband committed infidelity. He would not tell me outright that he doesn’t love me anymore, but his actions would tell me he is choosing the other woman before me. I, on the other hand am still very willing to restore the marriage, most especially since we have a child. Can our marriage be saved even if I chose not to live with him the past few months because of the pain I am going through knowing he loves the other woman more than me?
(USA) I have read a lot of your stories and I am still looking for the unique situation I have. My husband had an affair approximately 12 years ago for at least 3+ years. It was not his firs. As a result he had a child with the woman. I am still struggling with this situation considering the fact that the woman moved into my subdivision and the child of their union drops over any time. My husband has recently made his declaration that he is going to go to this woman’s house to see his daughter whenever he can; and he is not obligated to tell me when he is going to do this. Every time I see the child she is a reminder of this event.
I am praying to God to help me with this. Sometimes I want my marriage and sometimes I don’t. I am in the middle of a cross road with my relationship and I am trying to hold on, but it is extremely difficult–considering I am tired of the whole situation and I am starting to wish that I had left the relationship when I first heard about it. God only knows what I am going through. I am a Christian and sinking to his level is not an option, because I do not want to lose my relationship with God. He has 4 children and I have 2 and only one child is of our marital union. He is now 18 and is an adult. I am embarrassed by this situation because now all my neighbors will know as well as my church members–this woman has no shame and does not mind if everyone knows.
(PHILIPPINES) I was the one who cheated on my husband 6 years ago. It took 3 years before we decided to still work out on our marriage.
I don’t want to justify my reasons behind my mistake, but for me I never stopped loving him. I was feeling betrayed and neglected during those times. He makes less effort to prove his love and respect to me as his wife. We’re so different in many ways, he’s quiet and I’m jolly, I’m sweet and he’s not, I’m very submissive but he decides always on his own. He works abroad, and found no time to keep in contact with me. That made me think he doesn’t love me that much, he dosen’t know how to take care of his wife.
But after 3 years of praying which way to go, what to consider, since we have a child, he came back home and asked me if I’m willing to revive the marriage. He said past is past, he has forgiven me and we should move on together. We talked over the past, why I had fallen out of love of him, what we feel towards each other after it. We found out that we still love each other. He can’t stand living his life without me, that’s what he says. We both try to work things out, but it’s not very easy.
I thought everything would work out well. I did my part, but sometimes the feeling of doubt was still there. He was still the same, he didn’t call very often, he mostly doesn’t have the time. I was trying to keep my promise but often times when we argue, he provokes me to seek for someone else’s attention. I’m having second guesses again, if we really made the right choice, if it’s really worth to have 2nd chances.
I’m giving my best, and trying to help him realize why I cheated on him in the first place. It has never been my intention to fall, I just need his time, his effort, but he hasn’t realized it, until now. :(
(USA) Well, as long as you are telling him anything that sounds like you cheated because of his actions, then you are not being honest. The decision to cheat always falls ONLY upon the one who cheats.
The cheater has poor boundaries if they allow themselves to choose to cheat. So you cheated on him not because of what he did or didn’t do, but because you did not put into place the protections needed to avoid making that choice.
Now he may have failed to meet your emotional needs, and I would not argue with that assessment. But since cheating is never justified, you cannot blame or even suggest that his failure to meet your emotional needs caused you to cheat. It did not.
You are having second guesses not because of what he’s doing or not doing, but because you still have not faced the reality that you have to change your way of thinking. You and you alone are responsible for how you think including who you blame for your decision to cheat. You and only you own 100% of that decision to act.
So have you done your part. Have you told your husband that you and you alone are responsible for your decision to cheat. Have you made provision to put extra-ordinary protections into place so that you will not be tempted to cheat again? Have you been honest about what emotional needs he’s meeting well and which ones he could improve? Have you asked him how you are doing with meeting his needs, or where you could improve?
I don’t see any of that. I see that you got lonely, came back to your husband, blamed him for your affair and now you are sensing that you are unhappy and you are trying to blame him for that too.
Is it worth it to have 2nd chances? Sure, but you are still living out the first chance. Until you actually confess your still wayward thinking to your husband, there really is no way he can give you a second chance. If you don’t own your part, without blame-shifting, the nothing has changed and you’ll repeat your decision to cheat.
How do I know this? Because you sound like you don’t believe you were responsible for that, and if you are not responsible, you can and will justify the choice to cheat again just like you did before and are still doing. Giving your best means owning your choices without trying to shift the blame to him by saying his behavior wasn’t good enough for you, so you cheated. Your boundaries were not good enough, so you cheated. Your decision has nothing to do with him.
(PHILIPPINES) This is the hardest decision I ever made, to admit my own mistake. I’m not here revealing myself for criticism. Of course, I am very much responsible for what had happened to our marriage. That’s why I’m coping up, and being honest, has been my top duty to him as his wife.
I (most of the time) reached out to him, and talked over the situation, the emotional problems I’m going through, and his behavior towards me. And as I repeat, I don’t justify my reasons and lift the blame to him, I am here to seek advice. Yes, I’m feeling unhappy but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m still capable of cheating again.
But anyway, thank you for your opinion. I’ll surely keep this thing in mind: The decision to cheat always falls ONLY upon the one who cheats. Good day.
(USA) My domestic partner of 3 years is having an affair with his married co-worker. I found out from other co-workers that this woman was slandering me behind my back because she is jealous of me. My domestic partner admitted to me that he was having an affair with this so called friend of his before he met me. He swore in front of his mother during one of our arguments that the affair was over. I found out that the affair is still on and my partner is obsessed with calling this woman.
I had confronted this woman several times; she lied about the affair, even when l mentioned that I found her negligees and underwear (her name was on the shipping label attached to the wrapper). She told people at her job, including my partner, that she hates her husband and thinks of her twins as burdens. She calls my partner on Sundays demanding that he go out to meet her. She buys my partner expensive gifts. She goes out of her way to bring him food at our home after she finishes working on the weekends. She loaned him a lot of money, and insists on picking and dropping my partner to and from home. All these things she does for my partner and she still says they are only friends. This woman is shameless.
(USA) Vicky, They both are shameless. After all, if he’s willing to live with you without getting married, why would he value her marriage vows? Likewise, she proves her shameless nature by how she treats her vows.
Why have all this drama in your life? He’s not your husband, so why continue? Tell him you don’t have room in your life for someone who takes commitment in such a cavalier fashion. Tell him you want a real man, one who is not afraid to marry and be morally strong enough not to be involved with married women.
Of course, live the same yourself. If you want a partner, both find one and be one who believes marriage is the way to live out that partnership. Be counter-cultural and follow God’s teachings on this. They may seem strict, but then they help you avoid the circumstance you find yourself in right now.
(Zim) My wife and I got married two and half years ago, and we have an 18 month old son. I had an emotional relationship with her aunt, (her dad’s cousin) which is the same age as my wife. It almost turned sexual though it never did. At one point I told the aunt that I loved her! She didn’t really refuse, but she was taking her time with me. Then I realised my mistake.
I confessed to my wife and she was so devastated. She never expected it from me because I was always good to her in everything before this. We were both virgins when we got married. She trusted me so much, and she loved me. She wanted a divorce but I managed to talk her out of it. She rarely mentions divorce anymore.
I love my wife and I’m so sorry for betraying her trust. But now we just dont click, we seem not to agree on every little thing and she seems to be annoyed with everything that I do. I really want to win her back, totally if possible. What should I do? I want her to heal, and I want normalcy to prevail once again. I feel so cold without her love and sometimes I wish to die. I have said I’m sorry so many times and I have tried so many things to show my remorse. It’s been a year since my confession. PLEASE HELP!
Winston, I am sorry for your situation, and I am glad to hear that you were able to understand your mistake before it became too much to handle. However, you must also see how that what happened hurt your wife, in ways you may never know.
As a child when I would tell a big lie to my parents, they would tell me I will have to earn their trust back. This is exactly what you need to do to help restore your marriage. Saying you’re sorry, although it may be true, is just not enough. You need to prove you’re sorry in other ways. Now if you are willing to try with all that you have (and this may require you to give more than you have) to restore your marriage to be the best thing it can be, I have a way that just may help.
Gary Chapmen has written a few books on the five languages of love. One of them is, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
. Your first objective would be to find out which of those languages speaks the most love to your wife, and speak it often and fluently. By doing this you will most likely see a change in your relationship, but it requires you to start speaking her language/s of love regardless of how hard or if you get it back. Something that may just help you realize what you may be getting into, is the movie Fireproof
, which has it’s own book too The Love Dare
, which if interested could not hurt (more like help) your relationship.
I hope this letter gives you some idea of how to take the next step in repairing your relationship, and know that I will keep you and your marriage in my prayers, both for restoration but also for wisdom on how to create this restoration.
(USA) I’ve known my husband since we were nine. We dated in high school and college then married and had a child shortly after. In 2009 I discovered he had an affair and he promise that that had ended and we will now move on in the right direction. In Nov 2010 I began receiving emails from an unknown person stating things like keep your husband away from my wife. More were even harsher. I just told my husband and erased them.
In august on 2011 I received an email from the unknown source with a letter attached from my husband saying he wasn’t leaving me for her but if I left him things would be different. I lost my mind and have been depressed ever since. I pray everyday to God to please release me from this. I just don’t have the energy. My job now is to raise my son. I can’t take chances with infidelity and STD’s.
(PHILIPPINES) I have been married for 24 yrs and my husband has been working in another country for 20 yrs. His 1st time to come home was 5 yrs after his departure. Since then every 2 years he comes home. It was in 2007 when someone told me that he had a child there, so I confronted him… and he confessed, and admitted that he had one child but insists that it was a mistake. They were not living together and never have.
The child was already 3 yrs old then. We talked heart to heart then he went home in 2008. It was very painful. I wanted to commit suicide then, but I was looking at my kids. Both are girls. They’re smart. I don’t want to have a broken family and don’t want to leave them in this world because I know they need me more than anyone else.
So I tried to accept the facts, just for my kids, that he betrayed me. From then on, I kept on thinking of what he had done. I couldn’t avoid it, although I was trying not to do so… because I know it wouldn’t help, for a restructuring family, which he ruined alone.
And now I would like to seek advice. It seems I don’t trust him anymore and perhaps my love for him also is not the same as before. I would like to file for an annulment. But the hindrance is my kids. I love them so much but I can’t any longer stay with their papa because whenever we make love when he has his vacation, the thoughts of what he did comes into my mind.
So is it right to pursue my plan to ask for legal separation? I want to separate with legal papers. Please, do help me to decide. Sometimes I want to commit suicide for me to have peace of mind so that I won’t feel these heart pains anymore. It’s really painful!!!
(USA) My marriage is a complete mess. My husband cheated on me for over 4 years with another woman from our church. What made the situation so bad is that when 3 years ago we were looking for a babysitter to watch our 2 kids while we went to work he arranged to bring the woman he was having an affair with to babysit. He even went as far as to arrange for her to sleep over nights during the week to make sure I could leave on time for work.
It has been 5 months since I found out about the affair and my spirit is broken. I pray daily with a minister from my church, but my husband is unrepentant, unremorseful and blames me for everything. I have barely gotten any apologies on the matter from him and when I want to address issues relating to the affair, he refuses to talk about it. Right now we live as roommates, I’m in the bedroom, he on the couch.
What’s worse is I believe that he is still conducting his affair with the woman as from time to time I find things to point that they are in contact with each other. I’m waiting on God’s direction in this situation, but it really is so painful. His spiritual life is null and void and he refuses to own up to his mess.
On top of this craziness, I suspect that he is also a sex addict as I have found a lot of porn since this situation has come to light and even a video that suggests that he even stalked the woman that he had an affair with by setting up a video to watch her go to the bathroom when he invited her over to our house when I wasn’t there. He also video taped them having sex without her knowledge. I have since found these tapes and have kept their existance in my minsters’ confidence. I also have in my possession naked pictures that he took of them together (all taken in our house) and some even taken when our kids were at home.
He has made no attempt to repair the relationship, or restore trust and in fact acts angry all the time as if I am the one who cheated on him. I cannot continue to live much longer like this and I pray for strength everyday. I am trying to move on with my life as best as I can, but it’s like living with the elephant in the room.
(USA) I have been on both ends – my ex-husband cheated during our entire marriage and I have been with a married man while single -thinking I was the one. In all cases I can only say “Man Up”. If you are in a committed relationship (married or dating) and things are broken, then either step up and work them out or end the relationship. Admit your faults, be accountable for your actions whether you are the cheated or the cheater. Remember… it takes 2 to work things out; just as it takes 2 to destroy a relationship. Either way requires work… AND they NEVER leave their spouses if you ever go into an affair thinking you will one day be “The One!” “If you marry a man who cheated on his wife, you will be married to a man who cheats on his wife!” -Matt Dillion.
All relationships are hard but when you take the time to invest in the companionship of a life partner and have not compromised who you are in any way then they can be the biggest blessings you will ever encounter. One of the easiest things to do is to get married… the hardest is staying together and commit to grow together as each of us changes throughout life. We ALL (both sides) have free will… it’s about choices and sometimes you just have to accept and respect that the other person has made a choice and it’s not you.
If someone (man or woman) wants to be with you, they will -no matter the situation or circumstances. You can’t make anyone love you and you can’t hold them to your rules of acceptance out of your fears of rejection. Again, it takes 2 to restore and repair just as both are responsible for the destruction.
Whatever your case may be… stay strong and confident within yourself. If you want it to be restored, be willing to step out of the box and participate in the effort. Good Luck to you all!
(ZIMBABWE) I have been married for eight years ago and we have three children. My husband had a one night stand 5 years ago with a 20 year old girl. She phoned him three months later and told him she was pregnant but he said he was not interested.
When the baby was born, she phoned him again and this time he said he would take responsibility. He did not tell her he was married and so a relationship started as the girl kept asking him to move in with him so they could take care of the child together. She found out he was married and asked him to tell me so that we would break up and their relationship could blossom.
He told me about it and was so remorseful. I forgave him and said I would only stay if he promised not to see her or the baby again. He promised but a year later, I found out he was still lying and I decided to concentrate on my career and ignore the problem. The girl was unhappy with the situation and started seeing someone else. It is between that time that I had my second and third child and we were so happy that my trust in him started growing. We even started investing together which we had not done for years and I kept thanking God for straightening him up. He has been so loving and thoughtful for a while now.
However, late last year I found out that his mistress had another child and I asked him whether he was involved. He denied any knowledge. I then saw a picture of him with their first child together and he said he was only there as it was her first day in school and he had met with the father of his mistress who had complained that he does not take his responsibility in his granddaughter’s life. Later was the photo of him with the mistress’s second child which he says is not sure is his but he admits he had been going to see their first child behind my back and had ended up having sexual relations with the mother.
Now I am so devastated, despite him being perfect in all other ways. He says he does not want to see them again because he fears I will leave him. He also says he could not move in with the mistress because he is not in love with her and still loves me. He has tried to apologize a couple of times but I have said I need time to figure this out. I love him and I know deep down he is a good man who loves his family and takes care of us so well but his mistakes are almost unforgiveable because there are other children involved who I dont want to accept as part of our lives, at least for now because his mistress is fighting to get him to leave me and move in with her.
I have moved to the guest room to give him time to figure out things and he is complaining that I am sexually starving him. I have told him that having a physical relations is the last thing on my mind as I need time to make the right decision because it’s too complicated. I pray that God guides me to make the right decision. Those who know him closely say I should forgive him, including my priest. Others say I should separate from him for a while to give us both time to find out what we really want. Any comments that could help are welcome.
(PHILIPPINES) Seems like all the odds are against me:
1. I’m not married to the man who betrayed me but we’ve been together for 14 years and we have a child.
2. I didn’t see the affair coming because we were not separating, we weren’t even fighting big. Now he’s saying he didn’t love me all those years. There’s no remorse in him.
3. Looks like he’d choose the other woman over me anytime. Between us, it’s more of me wanting to fix us. I hurt everyday with the wound they inflicted upon me and while I’m trying to heal, he continues to rub that wound with his uncaring attitude.
4. In spite of all these, I still want him.
Is God angry with me because I entered this relationship without marriage?
(USA) God doesn’t punish, I know that for sure.. :)