The following are quotes from various media resources. Each of these quotes concern marriage and how Facebook, Twitter, and the social network affects it.
Read, glean and use whatever you can in your marriage relationship:
Concerning Social Media Realize:
• The relationship of technology and marriage has a long history. I’m sure at some point during the Stone Age a woman was frustrated because her mate wouldn’t step away from the fire and come to bed. More recently, televisions became places of congregation for couples and families. Today, our unions are intertwined with smartphones, tablets, social networks and more. The current tech du jour is Facebook. The question we have to ask is, are these tools good for marriages or bad? The answer: potentially both. (Steve Cooper, from Huffingtonpost.com article, “Finding Harmony Between Marriage and Technology”)
• We are tempted to think that our little “sips” of online connection add up to a big gulp of real conversation.
But they don’t. E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, all of these have their places —in politics, commerce, romance and friendship. But no matter how valuable, they do not substitute for conversation. The drift from conversation to connectivity —from “talking to texting” —should be a concern for any married couple and for any parent. Other technologies —particularly television —have distracted us from conversation for many years. But recent advances give us the option to replace it. How can you develop and maintain a strong relationship with your spouse if you aren’t talking to each other? (Dave Boehi, gleaned from the Familylife.com article, “Are We Replacing Conversation With Connectivity?”)
• Social media allows us to show pieces of our lives —and only the ones we choose to show.
They are often just the greatest pieces and moments. This is not a bad thing. The trouble begins when we start perceiving these as reality and not simply a beautiful moments in time.
Too many times I stumble into coveting something in that person’s life. (Coveting: to want something someone else has —yeah, it’s a sin and part of the 10 Commandments.) Be it peace, financial wealth, cute clothes, a husband who intentionally thinks about cooking dinner or bringing home flowers…whatever it is, I somehow find myself comparing and coveting, which is a sin! (Selena Frederick, from the Fiercemarriage.com article, “Is Social Media Causing Sin in Your Marriage?”)
• Facebook is one of the most popular relationship conflicts for today’s married couples.
For many of those over the age of thirty, this is their first time ever being a part of an online social network. The feelings of uncertainty and anxiety are fairly normal and valid as they try to understand how to operate and function in a 24/7 online community. And if they’re married, they are also viewing what their spouse is doing on Facebook. Any expressed concerns about friends, comments, or communications may be quickly dismissed by the other spouse with, “it’s only Facebook,” “it’s just a website,” or “it’s not real, I’m just having fun.”
With these common Facebooking issues, the sooner couples learn how to talk about setting up boundaries and using common sense in this social media age, the better off they will be. Especially since being a part of an online social network is not going away anytime soon… or ever. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from the article titled, “Five Common Facebooking Issues Creating Marital Strife”)
• Set your media relationship status to married and keep it that way.
Facebook’s version of the wedding band, your Relationship Status makes all the difference in how people interact with you. If you do happen to go through some marital troubles, don’t change to “it’s complicated” because you’ll only make things even more complicated… in a bad way. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from Socialmediacouple.com article, “Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples”)
• Get married to your spouse on Facebook. If your spouse is on Facebook, link your media profiles together by identifying each other as the person you are married to. A message goes out to everyone in your network that you are “now married.” Get ready for a flurry of comments such as, “finally!” or “it’s about time!” Being married on Facebook makes it easier to view each other’s updates and profiles. It also makes it easier to communicate with one another through Facebook email and chat. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from Socialmediacouple.com article, “How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage Relationship”)
• Affirm your marriage and mate often.
Let the world (or at least your social network) hear about your spouse through status updates and wall posts. Proclaim your love for your spouse and what they do for you as a regular part of your updates. Just this week, several FB friends posted the following comments in their status update: “I’m madly in love with my wife,” “I’m so proud of my husband for closing two deals this week,” and “I can’t wait ‘til my wife gets back from Texas.”
These kinds of messages can have a profound effect and encourage others to do the same. Every once in a while it will spark a response like, “Sometimes these little comments are so sappy, suck-uppy, sweet —they make me want to barf!” But that is more the exception then the rule. Ultimately, your husband or wife benefits the most because they’ll receive another reminder that they are loved. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky)
• “Practice digital thoughtfulness. When you consume media content during your day, use that as an opportunity to let your spouse know you’re thinking of them. Share a link to an article about a topic that interests them. Point to a restaurant review and propose a date night. Send them a photo or video that made you laugh.” (Tip from Outreach Magazine)
• Text Messaging: Send your thoughts of love, admiration, and appreciation.
Use text messaging as a form to send your positive thoughts and feelings towards your partner. Don’t try to resolve conflict over text messaging. If you and your partner have a history of unsuccessful text messaging during conflict, avoid using your cell phone and wait until you see each other. (Jennine Estes, from Growthtrac.com article, “Text Fighting”)
• Don’t send angry text messages that include attacking comments, criticism, name calling, foul language, or degrading comments. Your partner can keep track of the hurtful text messages and quickly be reminded of how you are hurtful. Re-read the text messages before you send the messaging, and make sure it has respectful and safe messages.
Take a few moments to calm your nerves before you send a reply to your partner. Re-read your text to edit, delete, or add to it. Try to step out of your shoes and into your partner’s shoes with receiving your message. (Jennine Estes, from Growthtrac article, “Text Fighting”)
• Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing. (Dennis Rainey, from Familylife.com article “11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Find in School”)
• Defriend the threat!
Go to their profile page and in the bottom left column is a link to remove them as a friend (and they don’t get a notice that they are no longer your friend). Any relationship with someone else that jeopardizes your marriage is not a relationship worth keeping. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from Socialmediacouple.com article, “Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage?”)
• Making unwanted sexual advances virtually is called “cyber-flirting.”
But in the real world, it is sexual harassment. Being sexually active with multiple partners on the Internet is called “virtual sex.'” In the real world, it’s a type of engaging in high-risk and irresponsible behavior. Sending lewd pictures of your private parts online is called “sexting.” In the real world, it is a crime called indecent exposure. What happens in the virtual world affects the real world. Don’t buy the lie that you can have dual citizenship in both worlds. Breaking the rules in one is not without consequences in the other. (K Jason Krafsky, in New York Times article, “A Double Standard”)
• A tip on how to prevent your relationship from getting hurt through the use of Facebook —Jealousy and Drawing a Line:
If your relationship already has the jealousy-syndrome, then Facebook won’t help. The use of this social media can really magnify the insecurities. You don’t get to see the “behind the scene” interactions between other people. If you are feeling insecure, maybe you and your partner shouldn’t have FB. Remember, the one sentence post or new friendships can be taken out of context, misinterpreted, or misconstrued. It can also create an alarm or a temptation… for either investigating or flirting. You may need to draw the line to the use of Facebook or delete the account. (Jennine Estes, from Growthtrac.com article, “Relationship Problems and Facebook”)
• DON’T have private Chat sessions with people of the opposite sex.
Chats are a private, real time message exchange between two people. Once a person logs off, Chat sessions are erased forever. Emotional affairs have three main ingredients: secrecy, chemistry and intimacy. Chatting provides a perfect environment for the three ingredients to mix together. They also create a situation that supposedly “just happened.” Avoid the drama and turn off the Chat feature altogether. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from Socialmediacouple.com article, “Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples”)
• Set Safeguards With Your Mate —Discuss with your mate:
What FB friends and groups are inbounds or out-of-bounds? How much information about yourself and family is too much information? Are either of you uncomfortable with potential FB friends? Are any media communication methods off limits?
We keep our correspondences with people of the opposite sex public by posting on their “walls,” or limited to commenting on status updates. We also keep each other informed of Facebook emails from people, and avoid chatting with people of the opposite sex. Whatever your safeguards, be sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to what is or is not acceptable for each other on Facebook. A little bit of prevention can go a long way in safeguarding your relationship. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from article, “Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage?”)
• Online relationships with old high school or college flames, emotional affairs, sexual affairs, and cohabiting are shallow and illegitimate substitutes for the real thing. Emotional and sexual fidelity in marriage is the real thing. (Dennis Rainey, from Familylife.com article “11 Rules on Marriage You Won’t Find in School”)
• If In Doubt, Defriend Them.
Because you can’t judge a person by their profile picture, you may have regrets of becoming FB friends with someone. Their posts might be offensive or uncomfortable to you. Or it may be that you have a FB friend who sparks feelings in you. You may even find yourself looking at their profile often or looking for their next post. You may be chatting with them or online flirting with them. Or your spouse may be uncomfortable with your being friends with a past love interest.
Defriend the threat!
Go to their social media profile page and in the bottom left column is a link to remove them as a friend. (FYI: they don’t get a notice that they are no longer your friend.) Any relationship with someone else that jeopardizes your marriage is not a relationship worth keeping. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsy, from Socialmediacouple.com article, “Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage?”)
• Don’t Play with Fire.
There is something intriguing and alluring about fire. But, disrespecting its destructive nature can result in irreparable damage and even death. Friending an old flame or sending a friend request to a past crush may seem harmless. And it can be. But similar to the combustible chemical at the end of the matchstick, a combination of factors can cause seemingly snuffed out embers to flare up, burning you, engulfing your marriage and torching your future. (K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky, from the Techlationships.com article titled, “Everything You Need to Protect Your Marriage on Facebook You Learned in Kindergarten!”)
• How do you protect yourself and your family?
The need for protection has never been greater. Here are a few things you can do to protect yourself and your family from being exposed to porn: • Use a filter. • Don’t allow underage use of Facebook (13 and up). • Monitor general activity on your families mobile devices periodically.
• As it pertains particularly to your spouse, “Don’t hash, bash, or trash on the Internet.
Remember, the Internet never forgets. Don’t let today’s reaction become tomorrow’s regret.” (Lysa Terkeurst, from her book “Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely”) In an August 2016 Focus on the Family interview with Jim Daly, Lysa said something else that really stood out. She made the point, “don’t invite the public into your private pain by bashing the person rejecting you. It’s not going to make things better by rehashing the rejection. That’s just going to make you feel a sense of shame in an even more public way.” It also complicates things all the more, especially with your marriage “partner.”