Every Sunday, Carrie Nicholson, a married mother of two, is single at church. Her unbelieving husband is noticeably absent from all church-related activities. Week after week, Carrie saves a seat for her husband. Week after week, his seat remains unclaimed and they were in a spiritually unequal marriage.
Nancy Kennedy, the author of “When He Doesn’t Believe,” understands this situation. After she had been married for a few years, Nancy became a Christian. Now, 25 years later, she remains in what she terms as a “spiritually-mismatched” marriage. Kennedy offers hope to those unequally yoked by reminding them that God is not absent from their situations or indifferent to their struggles. She is living proof that a couple can be “unequal yet whole.” *
God never says, “Oops!
” Perhaps the most difficult thing for a spiritually-single wife to understand is that God is fully aware of her situation. Your spiritually-mismatched marriage can “mold you into someone who looks and loves more like Jesus,” Kennedy says.
When an unbeliever’s wife recognizes God’s presence in her situation, she can relax.
“You’ll be able to enjoy your life and that will ease tensions at home. When that happens, you won’t have to talk constantly about your faith because you’ll be living it.”
Divided by faith
“I do feel resentful at times,” Carrie admits. “I worry about how my faith divides us right now. What are my children learning about marriage and family?”
“Jesus Himself said His coming would bring division in families,” Kennedy acknowledges (Luke 12:51-53). “However, sometimes we are the ones who create the barriers by spending inordinate amounts of time separating ourselves from our husbands.”
When it comes to church events, a spiritually-single wife needs to choose wisely. While she certainly could be more involved if her husband was active, too, she does not need to put the church against her husband. They are not competitors. “It’s not either I can love God or I can love my husband,” explains Kennedy. “It’s because I’m loved by God that I can love my husband.”
What about the children?
Carrie relies on her church family for friendship and support as she raises her children. She worries that if she dies before her children’s faith becomes firmly established, they will grow up outside the church.
“Your children belong to both of you,” reminds Kennedy. It is important to find common ground when it comes to discipline and discipleship. Most men agree with the biblical principles of building character and moral values.
Prayer, the Powerful Tool
The most powerful tool a believing mom can wield is prayer because it is then that God’s power is unleashed to do a mighty work behind the scenes. The power of God can change even the most negative husband, especially when a believing wife respects him and teaches her children to do the same.
It is not easy to be the wife of an unbeliever. It is even more difficult to face the challenges of everyday life without Christ. Yet, you will be blessed as you make your home a place of honor and comfort for your husband.
* Nancy Kennedy, interview by Rebecca Ingram Powell.
This article is shared with us courtesy of Parent Life Magazine.
It is written by Rebecca Ingram Powell, who is a pastor’s wife, mother of three, and the author of Baby Boot Camp: Basic Training for the First Six Weeks of Motherhood
(USA) My husband and I have been married for 9 years. So many mistakes have been made. I was bitter and angry for a long time. Through God’s grace I have overcome my bitterness and anger and hold no resentment but I do not like my husband and the hateful bitter man he has become. He is very rude to our children when he does speak to them. He and I rarely speak and when we do it is not pretty. His temper is getting shorter and shorter and his open displays of anger are getting worse. I try to avoid him at all costs.
We go to church separately. When he gets up on Sunday morning he has nothing nice to say to anyone. He gripes and is grouchy with the whole family. He goes to church and is very nice to everyone there and participates in church then when we come back home he goes to bed. He told me today that I need to read what the Bible says about being submissive and my role as a wife. Last week he told me if I would “mind” everything would be fine.
I do not mean to sound like I am good and he is bad. I definitely have my false and weakness and can be hard headed. But I am so tired physically and emotionally. This relationship is draining me and the whole family is under so much stress. We have 7 children. He works; I work part time and I am going to college. I keep the house clean, I cook, I go to church, I study God’s word and stay in prayer about this situation. The kids are good kids. There is contention in the house from the strain of everything and it is very difficult to feel at ease or enjoy each others company with the strain of this relationship. I am starting to lose hope, and I am so tired.
(USA) Hello Robin, I too am in the same type of situation. My husband has had so many heart breaking things happen to him in his life and because of those things he is hard hearted and very slow to let things go. Also, he is no longer a Christian, which causes even more conflict.
I argued with him just about every day and listened to him call me names, say hurtful things, and just be so emotionally cold towards me. I asked God many times about leaving him and whether it was His Will for us to be together and each time God would intervene and keep us together. My husband is incarcerated so he has to call collect, but one day I got so tired of being hurt, disrespected, yelled at that I decided to no longer accept his calls and move on with my life. Now I had a cell phone and a house phone that my husband was able to call collect, but if I closed one account both would be blocked, and that is what I did. The next thing I know the home phone rings. I answered it and it was my husband calling collect. The phone was blocked and was no longer supposed to receive calls, but he was able to get through on the home phone. I knew right away that God had His hand in this entire marriage and situation and that I should not give up, but just hang in there.
I prayed that God would make him stop hurting me, but nothing would happen. Then, one day I heard Joel Osteen say on his show that I may be asking God to change another person and it seems nothing is happening, but the reason nothing has changed is because God is really trying to change me. Wow!
God never puts more on us than we can bear, but He allowed this man to keep saying hurtful things. All along God was strengthening me so much so that I could better endure the persecution and suffering while remaining a woman of God. Normally, I would yell back at my husband and act so ungodly toward him, but what God wanted to see in me is that I could learn to resist the temptation. God says that a meek and quiet woman is of great price (Peter).
What has been happening this entire time is God has been making and molding me and in my submission to God’s perfect plan my husband will be saved. Now, please do not get me wrong because I would never tell you to endure physical harm or any abuse, but you have to know through God what His Will is for your situation. Ask God if it is His Will for you and the man to be together then to help you to be at more peace no matter what and to give you the same strength Jesus had when He endured persecution. Then ask God if it is not His Will to please make it clarion clear to you and let His Will be done. But, do not fight with your husband, don’t argue, just be at peace with him and kill him with kindness.
In doing so, God still sees your situation and will either deliver you from it, or make you stronger in it. This is how you do things when you are submitting to what God’s way- Hold your peace and then go in your secret place and ask God to heal and cover your heart and emotions. God Bless
OH MY WORD! When I read the first post, it was nearly a mirror image of my current situation with the exception: my husband no longer goes to church! Then when I saw the reply begin with “Robin” I almost fell off my chair, as that is my name as well! I had a very dear pastor friend of mine tell me something several years ago that has brought more comfort in difficult times than you can imagine!
He told me, “Your husband walked away from God before he walked away from you!” At the time he said that, my husband had left and was living in our old house that we hadn’t sold yet. He’s now back home and is one of the most miserable men I know. I just went into “his” bedroom and knelt at the foot of the bed, with my hand on his leg, and prayed for God to restore our marriage and to put a guard over MY mouth that I might not sin against thee! I find it so hard not to respond when he tells me to keep my dumb mouth shut! I told him one time I hoped I wasn’t standing behind him in line on Judgement Day.
As a friend reminded me, This too shall pass. God just wants US to remain faithful for HE is faithful and will complete the work He began. I, too, have asked God to change ME into the likeness of His Son that I may have HIS strength to endure the fiery darts of the enemy. It’s NOT our husbands that are making life miserable for us, it’s the enemy of our souls that is using our husbands to cause strife and confusion in our marriages! The thief has come to kill, steal and destroy, but Christ told us we would be victorious for He had victory over death, hell and the grave therefore we will have the victory.
I went to our revival tonight and there was a woman who sang one of my favorite songs, “The Anchor Holds (In Spite Of The Storm)” and asked for prayer as she had buried her granddaughter and great granddaughter last week. I just sat there weeping and thought, “I don’t have a problem, I have a temporary challenge that no one can “fix” but my Father”.
I am so thankful for this website found . . . I say by accident . . . but with God there are no accidents or coincidences! I told a friend of mine I was consoling yesterday, in the same situation, that God had led me to this website and shared the link with her! In the 20 minutes I’ve been on here, I have been so uplifted and encouraged, I can’t wait to read more!
Every time I share with my pastor he reminds me of 1 Peter 3:5. . . “holy women of old who trusted in God!” Or he’ll just say, “Robin, read 1 Peter 3:5”. Then he reminds me of the story of Nabal and Abigale. Abigale stood by her man, even though he was a drunken greedy man!
After my husband lashed out at me tonight, I went to church, came home, cooked supper then went into “his” room where he was in his recliner watching TV and kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. NOT because I wanted to, but because I knew it was what GOD wanted me to do! And after all, it’s all about HIM (God) not him (my husband)!
Yes it is hard not to take the “how dare you” attitude, especially when that someone is one whom should love you. We are doing a Bible study at church, Strengthen yourself in the Lord by Bill Johnson. Also by praying Isaiah 41:10 and 1 Peter 3:1-11 in the Amplified version is good.
(UNITED STATES) I am so grateful for this website. My husband is an unbeliever. He used to come to church with me but over time he stopped and eventually started resenting me. He started seeing my prospering through all kinds of things and he just got jealous. It’s weird how people change. He will pray The Lord’s prayer with me at night but if it’s any more than that he starts to snore or growl! It’s not only disrespectful to me but even more disrespectful to GOD who is everything to me.
We were a couple of sick people that God put together as I see it. He, for whatever reason, never realizes that he needs help too. There is nothing I can do about it. All I know that the LORD says he is here as my bread. He is here to take care of me even though he doesn’t share in the faith. It is pitiful but God’s plans are perfect. At first I was praying like crazy for God to save him. Now I believe God says leave him alone. Don’t read the word to him. Let him starve out. I will take care of him as I can. I continue in the faith and will not feed him the word anymore (last night he snored as I read “God works out all things out all things together for those who are called for his good purpose”).
Trudy, my husband goes to church with me, but in the 8 years of marriage, he isn’t interested on reading the Bible. I also fed him the word of God for all these years, and constantly offered to listen to sermons about marriage together, bringing books to read together. He accepts everything I ask him to do. But I have to take the initiative ALL the time. If I don’t remind him that we need to study, he just won’t do it. He knows enough about the Bible, not because he feels the need to look for God, but because he knows that makes me happy in the moment.
I started listening to some of Paul Washer sermons, and I began to understand that he is not saved. I haven’t seen sanctification in him in these 8 years. He doesn’t mourn over his sins. When he listens to the audio Bible (because he gave away the Bible I gave him for one Anniversary), he falls asleep. Also sometimes he falls asleep with the sermons I share with him. I realized that he might not be saved barely 1 month ago. So, I stopped feeding him spiritually and he is very comfortable now. He doesn’t feel the pressure I used to put over him, and he is starving.
I asked for help from some women in my church and I started the book The Excellent Wife this week. To be honest, things are getting worse in the last two weeks. It’s being extremely difficult to me to submit to God and deny myself, and not expect anything from my husband, (the worse issue is communication, I don’t know anything about him except for materialism and his job). I was depressed all day and night yesterday and hopeless.
But for some reason I’m on this website right now, because somewhere inside me there’s a glimpse of hope. After the sermons about the evidences of salvation that my husband heard, he keeps saying he is saved because he feels it in his heart, even though he doesn’t have those evidences. This is my first week working in the book and I have my first meeting with my sister in Christ tomorrow. Your story encouraged me to not give up. Thanks for sharing!!
Martha
(SOUTH AFRICA) Well situations are not the same. Teachings as well. What do you do as a woman? When a man is not responsible for his children, always accusing you of having an affair wth a pastor and sometimes any man and even his own friends ?He is against you praying or attending church activities, even lies about you. He comes up with stories that people tell him you are having an affair. Whatever he does wrong, it’s your fault. You achieve something he gets jealous.
God always make sure you have food by touching other people to help you when in need. Then he says your boyfriend helped you. You are just hanging in there not to lose your faith; but it’s really tough. You are guilty of things. You don’t even know your boyfriend they accuse you of. So now how do you handle that you always have to do part time jobs to make ends meet and yet you are guilty? The only thing that keeps you is to know your place in the Lord. Even with all this you still try your best to keep your side clean, not always easy cause you are human and pain is pain. You are not a rock
Hello, my spouse has not attended church for the past 15 years. He did come for a few mnonths when the kids were toddlers. Now he refuses to attend. This led to him committing adultery. I don’t know for how long as he lied that it was only for a few months that the affair has stopped. But he says I’m too holy for him. Whenever I speak about God or church he doesn’t want to listen. Our kids are now teens and their dad’s behaviour worries them but he doesn’t seem to notice anything amiss.
He refuses marriage counseling and didn’t keep his promise to the pastor to start attending church. It has been so many painful and struggling years for me, as my prayer daily is for him to have a relationship with Jesus. But I’m not giving up because if Jesus kept me in this marriage he is going to bring me through it. It’s just that some days I’m so down and tired of the same situation. Nowadays I pray for Jesus to wrestle with him and give him no peace and to make something happen to give him a wake up call. And then there are days where I pray that if Jesus knows he can’t change, he must remove him from my life. Please advise me.
Vanessa, I am in a similar situation and I am praying for your strength. We need victory over our flesh, to love our sometimes unloveable husbands daily. My husband committed adultery, too. He also thinks I am “too holy” and “judgmental”. I am up in the middle of the night praying about this.
Please help Vanessa and me, Lord, and all the other ladies who posted. Please don’t give up on us! We want to be truly holy, and we want to love like You do. Please encourage us! Don’t let us fail! Amen.
I am so happy I found this website. What a blessing to know I am not alone in my spiritually mismatched marriage. My husband is a newly “clean” heroin addict. We’ve been married 6 years and have a beautiful toddler. He says he’s saved but rarely attends church and falls asleep when he does. He spends money like crazy and has replaced heroin with other addictions. I’m far from perfect but have been on such a roller coaster with him and want to make things work as he has made progress. But sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I continue to pray and serve the Lord. I pray my toddler follows my lead and becomes a young lady of the Lord… I will be praying for you ladies, as well… God Bless.
Hi, I have been married to my husband for 9+ years and we have two kids. I was a believer and also used to work in the local church but was discouraged by some of the church peoples attitude and behavior. That’s when I met my husband. He was and still is a Catholic and held resentment towards the Christian community because of some of the things he has seen and experienced… but still he is a very good person and loves God, as well.
For a while we went to church for namesake and I felt in my heart it was wrong but still went ahead being Sunday Christians. But about three years ago I had a wake up call and changed my relationship with God to a deeper level reading the word and praying. My problem is whenever I try to get involved in my church or ministry my husband doesn’t like it. I know he is scared that I will lose my balance and get too involved in the church and forget my responsibilities towards my family. So I try to keep it to the minimum only two hours for a week. But still he find fault with me.
I am a good mum and a wife too. I try to do my best for the kids and for him as well, and try to be understanding about his fears but it’s very difficult. When I try to talk to him about his weakness, or something wrong he does, he brings my involvement in church up and blames me for something or another.
What should I do? I try to be loving, understanding but it’s really difficult! Should I stop serving God or stop going to church? I don’t know how to please my husband. My kids are also brought up as Catholics and I accompany him to his church as well. I try to balance everything. Please help me.
Hiruni, I hope you see this although your post is a year old. I’m praying in Jesus name that the Father will hold you up and sustain you through faith in him. No matter where we are or who we are we need to walk with Him at all times. There is no other answer. Bless you.
My husband is an unbeliever and he says some awful things to myself and my daughter, he used to be lovely but changed ever since we had children (we have 2 children). I have just found this website and it has made me feel so much better, I’m going to be praying fervently for him and myself to change, this is a real answer to prayer as I was thinking of leaving him tomorrow with the children. I will be reading my Bible as often as I can, I have to hide my Bible now because my husband threw it away 3 times and I rescued it each time. I also can’t go to church because he won’t let me go; I had to tell him I was going shopping with my friends a couple of weeks ago so I could go. I’ve been finding it really hard but now I have this website I feel much better and can’t wait to read more.
I’m sorry Sarah. I’m sure God has a plan for you. Be strong in His strength.
Hi Sarah, I hope you and your children are doing ok. I will keep you in my prayers starting today. My advice is look for a godly woman in your church for mentoring. Titus 2:4-5 says that older women are to encourage younger women to love their husbands, their children, to be sensitive, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands. All this as been very difficult to me, submitting is the hardest thing for any human being including wives.
I just started meeting with a godly woman and we are taking the book/study The Excellent Wife from Martha Peace, I can see God working in me already. We are not meant to walk alone through this, we need support and accountability from other sisters. What is helping me so much too is to listen to Paul Washer and John MacArthur sermons about the role of the wife, and how to be a godly woman. May God give you wisdom and strength to do His will so He can be glorified in your marriage. In Christ’S love, Martha.
I got married during a time in my life when I was really anxious to be in a relationship. And my spouse is great, a true gentleman and great with my family. However, I admit that we got married for the wrong reasons, not to mention our emotions were high and we didn’t really think marriage through. We decided to elope but he promised give me the engagement I wanted and big wedding I always dreamed of.
Here’s the thing, only a select number of people know that I am married, but to others I am engaged. I consider myself to be a strong believer and many of my friends and family would agree. My spouse is a believer but still battles with his past experience with the Church and God and so it affects his faith. It’s like he believes; he grew up in the Church but it was going through a run away state if that makes sense. As of lately some of my friends and family don’t fully agree with our engagement because they feel that the spiritual distance between me and my spouse is obvious. Now that we are planning the big wedding and getting Godly advice I recognize that us getting married before checking out faith levels was somewhat of a mistake.
I deal with regret and shame because the people that are trying to correct me are unaware that I am already married. And I feel bad because I feel like I made a huge decision out of emotion instead of out of God. I want my husband to be where I am or better but I know that pushing him verbally could only push him back towards his past experience again. And I guess I just want to know what to do to fix my marriage and or if there is hope for my situation.
Renee, If you ask God if there is any hope, what do you think He would say? I would say the same thing. There is always hope. But will it turn out as you hope and dream… probably not. We all do stupid things, and this is one that you did. So now you need to back up and try to do the best with it that you can. Marriage is sacred… it’s not a revolving door that you can decide to go around and around into. But the Lord can help you make better decisions and choices in the future as you lean upon Him and ask Him (then follow what He tells you to do).
First off, you need to come clean and confess to those who know and love you what you have done. I’m figuring you already told the Lord and have asked for His forgiveness in going ahead and not honoring marriage, as you should have. Please don’t continue on with this “lie” (which is what it is), as far as letting everyone believe one thing when it’s not true. Fess up, take your medicine, and look truth square in the face. In the long run you will feel MUCH better about doing this than going on with the lie you are continuing to feed by not saying anything. I know you have been planning a big wedding. But you already had a wedding. It’s different than what you thought you’d have, but it is what it is. Perhaps you can have a big reception. We’ve seen quite a few couples do that. They invite everyone to a big celebration of the wedding after the fact. It can still be very nice and romantic, as well.
Also, we have a lot of articles posted in the following topic that you may find helpful to read and glean through, using the info and principles that apply to your life with your husband: https://marriagemissions.com/category/spiritual-matters/. Please know that this is a difficult thing that you have done, but God loves you, and will help you, just as He helps any of us who do what we shouldn’t. Be brave, confess, and lean upon the Lord to show you how to unravel this thing. If you were my friend or a relative I would be sad for you, but I would face it and embrace you. I hope your loved ones do the same.
Don’t push your husband… love him “as unto the Lord.” It’s amazing the horrible situations that God can redeem as we come clean and give them to Him. I hope you will and pray for you and your husband and the difficult situation you will now have to face with friends and family. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
To this end I pray for you, “that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
My wife and I have been married for 11 years, but been together for 20 years. I’ve been a Christian for 35 years. I knew my wife didn’t know God when I met her, and she knew I was a Christian, just not a practicing one at that time. I had been through a very difficult time with my first wife, and because of that I had stopped following God, but I always knew he was there and he never let me go.
Anyway about 6 months ago, I suddenly woke up out of my slumber and am now trying my best to follow God once again. The thing is my wife absolutely hates me because of my faith. She hates me reading my Bible, hates me watching any Christian TV, just about tolerates me going to church, but she won’t go with me. I am finding it very tough. Today she gave me an ultimatum… stop reading my Bible and watching Christian TV, in fact choose me or God.
I said, that was unfair to ask me that and I said I wouldn’t stop reading my Bible etc. The bad stuff hit the fan; she stormed out in tears. I went looking for her but couldn’t find her. She then came home and verbally laid into me saying she sick to the back teeth of it all (meaning God). She is now currently asleep in bed. I am at the end of myself in knowing what to do. Lots of prayer has gone up for her but no breakthrough yet.
We have 2 children, who also don’t know the Lord. I don’t know what to except show her the love of God. I am in need of a miracle from the Lord!
Nick, my heart goes out to you. This is a very, very tough road –especially with children involved. I’m praying for you. I also encourage you to read the articles we have posted in the “Spiritual Matters” topic of this web site, which involved being married to unbelievers. We also have quotes in the Quote part of that topic, which you may find insightful, as well.
Please hang in there –not compromising your values, but being careful not to act as if you are your wife’s Holy Spirit. It’s your job to love your wife; it’s God’s job to bring her to Himself. Show the love of Christ through your actions, not through preaching. But hang tough with the Lord within your heart –don’t let Him go again. Who else would pray for your wife and children and show them the love of God, except for you? I’m thinking the Lord is redeeming your disobedience to eventually open the eyes of your family. I pray for you… “and this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Thanks for your reply and prayers Cindy. Things have calmed down a bit today, which I thank God for. I am really hoping and praying that Christ will work a miracle in her life. Yes all I can do is show her how much I love her, and show her the love of God too. I do not preach to her, as I know what she is like, I pray the love of God that surpasses all understanding invades her life and draws her and my children to him in the name of Jesus. Amen!
I love your positive outlook. People who know my husband ask me, “How do you manage to keep your faith alive?” It is not easy but I keep my eyes on Jesus, not on my husband. God is faithful to encourage me with “everyday miracles.”
I cling to the promises of God. In 1 Corinthians 7:14 God promises that, “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband. Else your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.”
Dear Lord, You see the difficulties that we face as unequally yoked spouses. You see each family. Please battle for us. Help us to respect and love our spouses as unto you. Enlighten our eyes to know the hope to which we have been called, the inheritance in the Saints, and incomparable great power that is available to those who believe. Strengthen us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Thank you Lord that you are restoring and healing families today and that you will complete the work that you have begun. Please bring agreement and unity into our lives and marriages. In Jesus name.
Thank you so much for writing such an encouraging post. It has brought me so much comfort. My husband and I are newlyweds and prior to marriage I thought he was a Christian. Just not practicing and I was fine with that because I fall in and out of practice myself. It’s brought me such much grief when I found out that he believes in God but he doesn’t believe in salvation. It broke my heart. I am so afraid for him and we’ve been fighting so much over it. I angrily pick fights with him, trying to convince him of the Faith and my fear for our future when he doesn’t have hope. How can you love me if there is no hope? What is the point of living if there is nothing after death and we cannot be together?
I realize now that I need to live by the faith and be Christ like rather than push him away with the Word that his heart isn’t ready to hear. Please pray for me. I’ve yoked myself to an unbeliever and my heart hurts to look at my husband because I fear for him. I’ve loved him for 6 years and I don’t believe God would allow me to fall in love with someone I wasn’t supposed to be with.
The man I have been married to for 5 years,and who I am having issues with now, is not my first husband. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was to a beautiful and devoted Christ follower. He was a wonderful caring loving husband and fantastic father to our two children. We had a music ministry together and he led Bible studies. We met in Bible College. He was the love of my life and I could not have asked for a more Goldly husband. Sadly he was diagnosed with a brain tumour, had brain surgery, then a later received radiation, which left him a completely different man. This event in our lives completly changed the dynamics of the marriage and for 7 years I interacted with him and took care of him as if he were my grandfather rather than my husband. He had become like an old man and a child mix into one. His day now became napping, playing card games in the middle of the day with a cup of tea and then watching TV. We were in our 30’s!!! During this time I was losing a sense of myself. I still was young, energetic, and vibrant, but was now becoming drained of my joy, and there was no type of marriage partnership happening anymore with my husband. We could not do any of the fun activities we used to do together.
I was dying inside my young soul that still needed to act my age. I could not be like the senior he had become….I needed to find something for me to get me back into the world I was so desperately missing at the time. I met an old school friend who was someone I could have fun with. Someone to do the kind of activities people of my age enjoyed. Biking, Kayaking, Tennis, etc…things my husband no longer had the desire for or struggled to do. This new relationship gave me back my energy and feeling my age again and gave me a spring back into my step. My life was opening up to me again from being weighed down with a flipped upside down burdened life. The only way to continue this new relationship that I was now deeply getting involved in was to divorce my husband. This was an agonizing decision and one I still struggle with now. Before we divorced, God provided an older woman with similar interests to my husbands, and they began to live together. They both helped each other and the two of them enjoyed their company together and did activities thar suited both of them. That was a blessing from the Lord to relieve me from the guilt I was carrying and be free to not have to worry about him now.
Update on his living situation, my ex husband is now being cared for in a retirement home.
Having said all that background is only to help you understand where I am coming from with my new marriage and husband situation. When my new husband and I were dating, he was not a Christian. He went to church a few times as a child, and he told me he believed in God, but that was it. He ecentually agreed to go to church and Bible study with me, so I was very excited that he was making these steps forward. (He now admits he did it just to appease me.) He alao prayed the sinners prayer with me so I know he is saved, but he does not show any interest in learning scripture or worshiping in church. He displays no fruits of the spirit. No one would even know he is a “Christian.” Their is no fruit or evidence in his daily walk to see that he knows God at all. But he seems to think he is, as he puts it, “all good with God; “they talk”. I don’t see that evidence yet! He sometimes, not always, will allow me to read a daily devotion to him, but doesn’t take in anything that I read. I ask him to read some and he always says “you do it”. Only when I push the subject will he read any scripture aloud and only with me. He has never opened a Bible on his own. Most times if I ask him to listen to a teaching or sermon online he says no thanks,,,”,I’m good with God.” If he was good with God as he says, he is then why don’t I see the results that I do in his interactions and words with me?
I see a man who is very hard to please. I see an argumentative man. I see a Bossy many who tells me how HE would do things and not my way! Even when I share something wonderful God has done in my life, he just half listens, then goes on to tell about something he’s interested in before I’m finished telling my testimony. He clearly has no interest in the things of God. So because he doesn’t know Gods word and what God asks of him as a Christian husband, he also does not treat me with love and kindness as I expected to be treated. He has been jealous of me chatting to any male regardless of who he was….always asking me who I’m on the phone with. Quizzing me of where I have been, then calls whoever I was out with to confirm that was true….Or checks out social media posts on my phone to see if there are pictures to verify my story of where I have been. He refuses to help me make dinner, or clear up the dinner and dishes. I have asked him many, many times to help, but he has said “yup” and never follows through. I even asked him “how is it you can sit on the couch, listen to me making dinner, serve dinner, then as soon as dinner is over, go immediately back to the couch and listen to me continue to clean the kitchen up and do the dishes with out one thought to yourself of “maybe I should help her…I know she wants help”. The response to this was, I Dont help you so you won’t miss me when I’m gone!
I was asked to host a Bible study in our home for one night as the study rotates around and I said sure not realizing it was going to create a problem for my husband. He didn’t stick around for it, nor help me prepare the home for it, and then came home halfway through, rattled around making noise in the hallway and then went outside and made more distracting noise out there. I was so embarrassed and never could host the group again. People asking me why wasn’t your husband joining us because they knew he goes to church. I could only say, he’s not interested and I can’t speak on his behalf why because I don’t know. I just know when I told him I was hosting the study in our home he said, “I Guess I’ll ask my buddy to a hockey game or something” he just wanted to avoid it.
So….I have gone from a first marriage with a helpful, kind, respectful caring Christ serving husband where I never had cause to be angry or frustrated or resentful….to a husband who puts me to the test EVERYDAY to not lose my cool, to not retaliate to his hurtful comments, not to get resentful because of his aggressive words and behaviour towards the expectations I have for our relationship. Somedays I can keep my love flowing thru the barrage of bullying and hurtful words, and other days I loose my self discipline and let him have it….in a very ungodly way. Then I have to go and repent and feel horrible that I just acted no better than he did. Then humble myself to ask my husband to forgive me for what I said knowing I won’t be getting an apology from him back. Very hard to do, but knowing this is what God asks of me, I do it. That has to have some impact on him! I am only responsible for my actions, not his. It is not my responsibility how he chooses to respond. I need to remember that all the time and try to not let his poor choices affect my joy and peace. It is true that is in the evil one who knows how to get us upset and it is a lot to the time by using our husbands actions and words. I don’t believe they even know what’s happening…but if we do we can speak against the attaack in Jesus’ Name and know that our husbands are tools used. That helps to keep the resentment at bay.
Pray without ceasing, don’t lose Faith in what God can do and celebrate the little victories. God is using my new husband to make me more resilient to stress, to make me more independent, (not needing him) but dependant on God instead and stronger in discipline and resistance to keep my tongue from speaking evil in defence, and to RESPOND IN LOVE rather than REACT in the moment from my fleshly impulses. May we Godly wives never stop pressing into Gods word to find how God wants us to respond to the stresses our husbands can bring, and rest in knowing God is pleased with our choosing Gods way!! And let’s get excited to see the results unfold in great ways in our husbands lives! AMEN.
What a blessing this message and discussion has been to me!
So, so glad God has ministered to your heart through this. May He continue to speak to you in the ways you need it. God bless!