I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?
The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough —family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep.
Falling Away From Faithfulness
Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.
But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.
Answering Questions After Adultery
After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours —and I mean all hours —with answers to her questions. We talked and I explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.
“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. Yes, I had sinned, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.
I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?
Suspicious Questioning
After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.
Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, I figured if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.
Why God?
So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me —here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.
As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me. I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.
God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?
God’s Revelation
Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”
Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.
Staying Committed After Adultery
Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The main thing I needed to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.
This article comes from the book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, written by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend it highly enough! Mona and Gary have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help! You will read about the Shriver’s journey to healing in this book.
You can reach the authors Gary and Mona Shriver, at Hopeandhealing.us.
(GHANA) I am in a similar problem. I fell for adultery and I confessed because I had a lot more that were lined up for me free of charge, but I did not want it. I love my wife so much I would do anything for her.
But the moment she asked and I confessed, she even went to the shrine to curse me. She insulted me as if she was waiting for me to screw up for her to rain her insults. But I never spoke back. If any one could pray with her for me, I would appreciate it so much. We have two kids. Please I can’t let go just like that. God be my helper. Amen
(UNITED STATES) All of the stories on this page that I have read are about men who cheat on their wives. According to the stats posted on this page, 45 to 55 percent of women cheat. I started browsing the page to see if there were other Christian men who is dealing with a cheating wife. I recently discovered that my wife has been in a relationship with another married man for over 14 months. (It might even be longer, for there is every indication that they might have known each other and just reconnected.)
Nonetheless, I am struggling with the fact that I do not see myself trusting her again. I say that because this is the second time she has cheated during our almost 17 year marriage. The first time she cheated was with an ex-boyfriend that left her a present (STD) that she tried to blame on me. While she only came clean after she learned that I had never had an STD, she did tell me all about the one night stand.
For this relationship, she would not tell me anything. I begged her for three and a half days to put our marriage first. In fact, I kept telling her that if she thought our marriage was worth saving to tell me who the other man was and explain to me how she met him. I also asked her to give me her cellphone and walk away so that I could read the messages between the two of them. They told me that she was not showing me her phone and that she was only going to tell me what she wanted me to know. Needless to say, our marraiage is on the verge of separation and likely divorce. I just feel like she has chosen another man over me. Then, when she was caught, she did all that she could to protect him instead of caring for my wants and needs.
Anyway, I am still wanting to know if there are any men out their who were able to recover from a wife who has cheated twice and refused to be honest about the matter.
(USA) Yes bro, I will take you a step further. My wife and I were faithful servants in ministry, specifically in the area of Godly marriage. My wife was in an adulterous affair for 18 mos with someone I knew. It hurt “like hell”. She only confessed after being backed in a corner with multiple stacks of evidence. She continuously lied everytime.
What has helped me the most is mutual friends who were on fire for God AND married. They did not take sides, judge, or condemn either of us, but simply pointed out God’s word and identified selfishness on both sides that we needed to individually address. An excellent website to checkout would be Marriagebuilders.org. It not only addresses male adultery, but FEMALE adultery. It breaks down how it occurs, how to end it, and how to recover from it. There are also actual stories and testimonies from both men and women who have experienced it.
Let me know if you are interested in keeping in contact during your recovery. It helps to have others who have walked through it in your corner. It has been 2.5 years of the recovery process for me so far, we are still working it. It still hurts sometimes, but we are enjoying a much more emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically intimate marriage than before!
(PHILIPPINES) I think my husband would not forgive and forget because of his friends telling him that he should put me in jail instead.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I like your piece above. Can you please help me? I got married to my wife after a whirlwind affair and after discovering that she was pregnant. That was 10 years ago. We now have two beautiful kinds, 9 & 5. We have had our fair challenges and upheavals in our 8 years of marriage. However, we have remained active members of the marriage ministry in our local church.
However, two days ago I just made a startling discovery that my wife has been having an adulterous affair with an ex of hers in all the 10 years of our 10 year marriage! I am devastated and in a state of shock and confusion, lost appetite and unable to work. I am confused as to whether to work on the marriage or to start steps towards divorce. When I confronted her, she sounded remorseful but not entirely sincere. Also she blamed frustrations in our relationship as being responsible for pushing her into the affair. The huge dilemma for me is that I feel if the affair has been going on for the past 8 years it will difficult for her to break and she has been
In the succeeding days I have poured myself on the internet looking for support materials to dull the pain and I have read a lot. As part of confrontation and my healing, would you recommend that I interrogate her about the graphic details of the affair like: where they met for their escapades? Whether they used protection? How regularly they met etc? Will this hasten my healing or will it make recovery worse as I remember the graphic details shared? How much should I know? Will not knowing much help or not? Please advise. Thanks.
(CANADA) My wife recently cheated on me for the third time.
First time was while we were dating. I only found out about this after we were married.
The 2nd time was half way through our 1st year of marriage. And yet again about a month ago. Now she is carrying this man’s child.
I had a struggle with porn for a while and now she is blaming me for everything. We have two kids together and the’re the only reason I’m still here!
So I kinda know what you are going through. I’m very sorry that had to happen to you. May God pull you through this hard time!
(CANADA) No one is guilty of anyone else’s sin… staying is not always the answer. Sometimes a healthy parent child relationship results because of removing yourself from the situation. My husband of 15 years had an emotional affair for a year online, spent 8 years masturbating and the last 4 years in porn… so far I haven’t got the confession out of him for physical adultery however I am a trained legal profesional so he will have a hard time to keep evidence from me. With God on my side I have been able to wrangle the confessions out of him… he has apparently repented and isn’t technically lying but is forcing me to back him into a corner to get the confessions out of him.
I do not plan to stay with him. I can’t. I have concluded that we are both better off apart. I am too angry to handle this man any longer and I am not going to live my future like this.
(USA) I am struggling with infidelity, in my marriage. I have cheated before and GOD restored my marriage. But about a a year ago I met someone and it started off slow talkin and emailing. But now I have fallen again and I know that confession is part of the healing process. But I know that this time around it wont be restoration. He said it if it happened again that it would be over.
We have 4 children together. I can’t blame the fact that we backslid and we were both doing unhealthy sexual acts in our marriage, because I had cheated before those situations. I am so torn I can’t explain why I cheated because to be honest I have no complaints. It’s like I know I shouldn’t open that door but I did anyway. After 2 months of coming back to the walk I started to back away from the gentleman but I noticed I couldn’t completely cut it off. Now I sit here regreting the fact that I was weak, because I fell again and in the walk and now I feel like that’s it, theres no recovery.
(USA) I also cheated on my husband 2 and a half years ago with his best friend… I felt so low down and disappointed within myself because not only did I sin before my bestfriend, I sinned before GOD. Adultery alone is VERY immature and irresponsible. And I NEVER thought I could ever do ANYTHING like that to my husband.
God has restored our marriage after a long time, however, the enemy stills trys to remind him of shame and bring me into a spirit of condemnation. I have to fight for my marriage. My advice to anyone that doesn’t know how to endure, fight for what God has given you.
(USA) I am kind in a similar position, I am currently cheating with an ex. My husband cheated on me before, about 5 years ago. I am in a state of confusion. I know what I am doing is wrong, but for some reason I want to continue. I love my husband. We have 4 kids together and besides that one event of cheating that I know of, he has been a good husband. I cannot confess because I believe that will be the end of us. Please pray for me and my family…
(USA) Just tell your husband. He will forgive you.
(W.A) Honesty is the only way that we can move forward in life.
(USA) Patrick, I am a woman and also a victim of adultery…your comments caught my attention because my husband gave me an STD too as a result of his affair (that I’ll carry for life). I found out 11 months ago, and at that time he revealed that he had been having an affair for the past 2 years…and even though I had my concerns about his behavior during that time he was cheating, he continued to lie and deny anything was going on until he was caught. I’ve tried so hard to forgive and work on my marriage, but I am the walking wounded, my heart is broken, my joy has been stolen from me, my marriage which was always really, really, good…is now in pieces lying on the floor. I live in a constant state of sadness. I think I’ve reached the point where it’s just time to give up. I can never trust him again, the person he was cheating with was not only someone I considered to be a friend, but she worked for him as well. I wish I had someone in my shoes to really talk to…..I’m tired of hurting.
(USA) My husband was caught sending messages to another woman. He confessed to the 3 year sexual affair plus many other sexual affairs during the course of 5 years. He had a lot to lose, his Christian witness, his family, his job. He was actually glad he got caught for he hated the sin and lies he was living in. He told me that he probably would have divorced me if the situation was reversed. Sometimes I wonder if loving me or wanting to not disappoint God is the reason he tries to be faithful.
Ten months ago, another woman he met started enticing him with photos and sexy comments. He started sexting on the phone. After a month he ended it on his own, however I found the text messages and the date they stopped. He said he called her and told to never text him again and he blocked her from his phone. It showed courage that he decided on his own to stop the messages. He recognized that he needed to put on spiritual armor because satan is trying to destroy lives. So I forgave him again.
Ever since the discovery of his first affairs, I have been praying that GOD would bring down the Holy Spirit on our family and marriage and that He would protect us from satan and his followers. Please make this your prayer. We can’t defeat satan alone. Pray daily that God will deal with your heart and your husband’s. Trusting my husband has been a trying process and all I can do is PRAY that God will protect our marriage and give me peace with it. Pray for your husband that he will be drawn closer to God and that he will be the Christian husband God intends for him to be and then TRUST GOD to answer your prayers.
(USA) I can totally understand how you feel. I am sitting here writing in tears. I just found out yesterday that my husband committed adultery 5 months ago. I am pregnant with our 4th child. How I even found out was through my test results coming back positive for an STD. I’m literally still in shock and devastated because it was with a young female from our church, who has been in my home since then, watched my kids, sings on the praise team and in the choir. I love my husband but between the betrayal, rage, overwhelming sadness and hurt I feel. I don’t know where to begin to even start the healing process. The only good thing is we both want to work and make our marriage better but where to start I don’t know. I’m just staying in prayer and my word and hopefully counseling, repentance and the healing process.
(UNITES STATES OF AMERICA) JESSICA, you can be my twin right now. I hope you read this. I reconciled with my husband, after years of lies, betrayal, abuse, infedelity and abandonment. He even wanted me to abort our last child. The final straw was I found out that him and my best friend at the time, had slept together, several times, and continued their relationships with me, as if nothing happend. I was numb, and continued in our marriage, more out of shock, and not knowing what to do, than truly wanting to reconcile. Well, here I am almost 2 years later, after letting my guard down, and trusting what he claimed himself to be, 5 months unexpectedly pregnant, with a baby. He was more happy about than I. Finding out, that he was pursuing other women, on face book, I am devastated again. I understand your pain and sorrow, on so many levels, and my heart goes out to you. God Bless
(UNITED KINGDOM) I walk in your shoes, I too am so tired of the hurt, the panging and the pain within me. The questions in my head that I go over and over again…why? why? why, did you do do it? Why did Jesus do this to me, didn’t he know i couldn’t cope with this? I know where you are at the moment. I went to confession yesterday, and the priest told me to read a passage John 8:1-11, about the woman who commited adultery, “let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her”. I know to be that this passage does and doesnt help with the way of thinking. But I have opened my heart to Jesus. I asked the priest, How can I forgive my husband? I cant do it. He told me that Jesus is inside us and he has given me the power for me to forgive. I know it will take time, but I’m HOPING and PRAYING that this will be the case; that one day I will turn to my husband and tell him I forgive you. Only Jesus can make that possible.
This is what I’ve been told. I am still a long way from happiness, but I have a good husband who didn’t abide by one of the commandments. We now have the 10 commandments in each of our wallets to remind us how we should live. I am walking in your shoes; you are not alone. I know I couldn’t get through this without my husband by my side. I’ve asked Jesus to show me the way, guide me to make the right decisions and take the pain away from my heart and head and to show me if my husband has true love for me and to allow it seep into my heart and head, instead of the pain. His command is to “Love one another.”
(USA) No one has mentioned HURT, being the reason for anger. I was there. My husband cheated on me before we were married. But I only found out after we were married, seven months later. He asked my forgiveness, and I forgave him, but continued in his infidelities.
When a spouse cheats, he is OBLIGATED to prove himself; he broke the trust. It HURTS, to know the person you thought loved you, and you trusted a hundred percent, was not the person you knew at all. It’s devastating. I wanted to forgive and move on, but the lying never stop; it was insulting. Emotional hurt is the worst thing a person can ever experience. I would rather my husband have hurt me physically.
Finally, 2 years later after discovering my husband had been unfaithful multiple times, with many women, I decided to end it. It was the most disrespect I have ever had. Not only did he cheat, but he was an angry person, who vented on me often. You eventually tell yourself, that if someone treats you like garbage, and cheats on you, then there can’t be any love from them, and you give up, whether you want to or not. I only know that God allowed me to hang in long enough, to be strong enough to leave. Before that, I would have devoured myself in my own brokenness.
Now we wonder why we try so hard for it to only get worse. We know that God never condones divorce, although God allows divorce in the case of abuse, and infidelity. Some men, and women, are habitual cheaters, they’re like alcoholics, they’re addicted to it, which means they have very serious emotional problems. I knew about my husband problems, but I never thought those problems would hurt us. He was unfaithful to his last wife, so I should have been wise enough to know, he would do the same to me.
I trusted him a hundred percent, not knowing he was a liar. He was able to move on, abandoning me, with a cold heart. He treated me, as if I was the one who was unfaithful. And in all that time, he kept saying, I did nothing wrong. I only know, that I feel compassion for him, because, I care. He is condemning himself to a miserable life, as well as missing out on God’s blessings, and may end up in eternal condemnation.
Our marriage was an encumbrance for him. He didn’t have the freedom to move from one woman to another, as he thought he had ever right to do, but he didn’t think I should have the same freedom. You wonder what sort of sick person is this. We were not married for years, so that he got tired of me, we were married for months, and he was unfaithful during our courtship, and engagement. So you wonder why this person isn’t wise enough to see, that it is better that he not marry. Why drag someone else into your sinful lifestyle and tear their hearts to shreds? HURT, causes a lot of emotions in a person. And as a Christian, we are to react in a godly manner to all circumstances. But even for those of us who are godly, HURT is a huge and demising thing.
We have to be very strong in our faith, and fellowship with others for encouragement, to move on. Divorce is like a death, you cannot make it anything else, you will go through the phases of hurt, anger, denial, and mourning.
(USA) I am so sorry for what you experienced. It’s painful to suffer at the hands of an unfaithful spouse. When she has her affairs, when she lies and says everything is fine, while she’s having sex with the other man, it hurts her husband and family.
Your story has another thing to see. Respectfully, I think you too missed some key signs. You said yourself that he was unfaithful during the courtship and engagement. That’s a big red flag. Knowing what you know now, would you say you would have been wise to take those warning signs for what they were?
It’s not just on him for recognizing he wasn’t good marriage material. It was also upon you to recognize this, given the ample red flags prior to marriage.
I say this because when I look back, while there were no signs of cheating, there were some red flags surrounding my ex-wife that I should have recognized that she was not ready for marriage. (Not to mention how ready I might have been for marriage!)
(USA) Hi Judy, I want you to know that you are not alone. Many times, when we are going through things we feel that we are on an island and NO ONE quite understands. I want you know that I fully understand what you’re going through. I found out my husband of 2.5 years had been having an affair with a woman he dated prior to meeting me. The affair went on for 1.5 years of our marrige, even while I was pregnant with our child.
I suspected that something was going on early on but he completely denied it and made me feel like I was crazy, insecure and stupid. All so he could carry on this his mistress. He would lie about working late devoting time to be with her rather than building a bond with wife and newly born daughter.
A couple of months ago, he and I went on a cruise, I thought to try to build a stronger relationship. When I found out about the affair, the other woman told me that he went right to her house shortly after we arrived home from our cruise, showing that he had no intention on making our marriage better. He basically convinced her that he and I were forced to go on the cruise together because he couldn’t get his money back after paying for it. He often told her that we were getting divorced and that he had made a mistake by marrying me –that the only reason he stayed was for our daughter.
All I can think is how can a person hate their spouse so much? After I found out he swore that he was done with cheating, he loved me and our daughter and he wanted to work on our marriage. I too wanted to work on our marriage because I loved him and wanted my daughter to have both of her parents in the household. I was willing to forgive. But only two weeks (if that) later, I’ve found that he is seeing yet another woman!
At this point my heart is shattered and I don’t even have the energy to try to put back together. I am beyond hurt and disappointment. He doesn’t know that I’m aware. I have decided not to act off emotion and walk out the door. I’m biding my time until I have things in place. I will no longer allow him to destroy my life. By the way, this is his third marriage and the second one ended because of infidelity. You would think that he would have learned by now. It’s ok because I know that God will give me peace and guide me through this maze.
I’m praying for you and all those who are victims of infidelity. It is one of the WORSE pains in the world!
(USA) My story is that I have been married 6 years and we have a young son. I will not say it has been an easy marriage. We have had a lot of issues concerning me and my parents and in our relationship as a couple. The way I dealt with those issues was to look at porn, scan personal ads and place a personal ad. I never met anyone nor did I ever physically cheat. It was never my intention to meet anyone, it truly was not (she does not believe me). It was just a cheap thrill and free porn.
However, I know that I committed adultery in god’s eyes. I repented my sins, found a church, became a member and joined a Men’s fellowship group. None of this was/is good enough in my wife’s eyes for forgiveness. She is far too hurt by my lies and my adultery. She is seeking a divorce. I will continue to love her and try despite her constant barrage of insults. But who am I to complain or be angry? I am an adulterer.
She thinks I am a liar, cheat and that I am putting up a front in trying to be right in God’s eyes because I have not been religious in our marriage or during the time we have been together. I will not give up and with God’s help and guidance all I can do is pray that he will help me restore my marriage and maybe one day help my wife forgive me.
(USA) Oh yes as my pennence, I had phone sex as well.
(ZIMBABWE) Wow and wow again. I understand what Mona went through. My husband did the same. I found myself so angry that I did not want to see his face let alone talk to him. I just wished he could vanish from the face of the earth. As one who has gone through this I can relate to the pain of betrayal. I feel that Mona must find it in her heart to begin the healing process. She has to pray for GOD’s help to forgive Gary.
Reading the article, I get this feeling that Gary is sincere. I think he should be given an allowance to rebuild his wife’s trust in him. My husband did this four times and my faith and constant prayer has helped keep my sanity. It is not easy to let go of the pain but Mona should try really hard to do this it is not worth living with it because you are the one who ends up hurting all the time.
(SA) All these messages touch me as I had experienced all these situations. Marriage is God’s will and Satan is always against what God has created. He is constantly trying and fighting and he will not stop until his own will is done. Thais’ why as Christians we have to fight so hard to keep our marriages going, then God will be so pleased with us his children. There is one thing that Satan is “good” at, HE DOES NOT GIVE UP. We can conquer this whole race by always praying and asking for God’s help and strength. Stay blessed.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Firstly let me say that I’m a BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN. This is the first time that I am talking about my adultery… having sex with another woman. Jesus states that when you merely look at another woman with those kind of thoughts, then you too have committed adultery… so currently I am still committing adultery on a regular and daily basis. What to do… what to do… Yes, I’m praying and reading my BIBLE daily…
I have, before it all happened, informed my Pastor and another church member of the advances being made by the other woman… they could not really advise me accordingly…
I tried resisting the temptation… even informed the HR officer at my workplace of the advances of this woman… took a while before my knees eventually buckled under the pressure. I thought that I could deal with the temptation and or advances of the other woman on my own, even got to thinking that I would be able to “counsel” her into leaving her ways… Boy was I mistaken! I judged others for falling into the trap of adultery… and as the BIBLE states, do not judge lest you be judged and fall into the same snare and or temptation…
I committed adultery with a woman a few years ago… have not yet informed my wife of it… (I LOVE my wife too much to see her go through the emtional pain and trauma that will be and is associated with this information). I come from a family where the curse of adultery is prevelant… and nearly all my aunts, uncles and parents and siblings have been associated with this kind of behaviour, including my grandparents. So as you can see, my family has one hellavu curse on them… I promised myself that I would never fall into this curse, but low and behold… the door was opened… and I fell into it… SLAP BANG INTO THE MIDDLE…
I don’t know if and when I will have the courage to inform my wife of it (my adultery) I’ve been living with this from 2000… when it first started till about 2002. All this time I TRULY loved my wife… even mentioned to the woman, that I loved my wife and that all that the other woman meant or had was SEX APPEAL…
I know that GOD has forgiven me for my transgression, as in the case of the woman caught in adultery, JESUS stated that we who are without sin is to cast the first stone… My concern that I have is, do I ever inform my wife? Or do I take this to my grave? I know the devastation this will bring not only to my wife, but also to my children and the extended family. My own parents were divorced when I was eighteen years old, and my biological father committed adultery on a regular basis… ended up with three wives… (this is in way making excuses for my behavior). Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy…
The BIBLE states that we are to confess our sins one to the other. But in today’s society, which is judgemental and unforgiving, is this advisable? We tend to shun those that do not live up too expectations. As previously stated… I have confessed my sins to GOD and still do on a daily basis… who is LOVING and FORGIVING… and remembers them no more.
Like the APOSTLE PAUL, I too, not that I want it… HAVE A THORN IN MY FLESH. And because of the thorn, I no longer JUDGE OR CRITICISE others for the wrong that they may be doing…. which I always did before commiting adultery.
I know that I am forgiven by GOD… He states that all sins are forgivable … barring one, and that is rejecting or grieving the HOLY SPIRIT and HIS SON, JESUS the CHRIST.
It is unbelievable the sense of peace that is upon me as I’ve written all of the above. Pray for me… and if it is GOD’s will for my life to LIVE with this THORN – not informing my wife and family, so be it… and if it is GOD’s will to inform them… I pray that they will be able to forgive me. Whatever HIS will regarding the matter, I pray that I will be able to say as JESUS prayed, not my will BUT THY WILL O LORD…
(USA) I will tell you that I am a woman that committed adultery before I became a born again Christian…I confessed it to my husband as advised by my pastor… and it hurt him immensely. I cannot say I would advise to share with your spouse… but I also know it’s not right to have secrets between each other. I know the LORD has forgiven me, but I for some reason cannot forgive myself and feel horrible when I see anything on tv regarding it… or hear about it … or whatever… nothing but hurtful consequences.
I would say to everyone, do not commit adultery… it is not worth it… it is one of my biggest regrets. I don’t know if I could help anyone through it cuz I still am very ashamed of myself.
(ZAMBIA) Hi C. I want to tell you that I am in the similar situation as you. Except, my husband had committed adultery first, and instead of being remorseful, he kept on pushing me away, until I found myself someone who would listen to me, who gave me all the attention. He was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
At some point my husband went through my mail and discovered I had been talking to another man. I feel so ashamed, I hate myself. I wish I had practiced forgiveness, but I harboured so much pain and really wanted him to be punished. Now he won’t talk to me; he is out and we have not seen each other for the past 6 weeks.
I want to ask for forgiveness from him and to tell him I regret my actions. I have realised hitting back does not do any good but harm.
I cry everyday. Help me remedy the situation. I thought I hated him, but why do I feel so much pain and miss him so much? I realised I don’t feel anything for the affair partner. I want my husband back. I need prayer right now.
(USA) But please understand C that any marriage with unconfessed sins between you is a marriage based on lies and it is a Holy Covenant with God and the two of you. So you know all, your adultery partner knows all and so does God but your spouse is totally in the dark? You have a bigger bond with your adultery partner than your spouse in this condition. As the two of you have secrest from your spouse.
All sin will find us out and the truth shall make us free and this is all Biblical. You are supposed to be one flesh, how do you lie to your own flesh?
Mary below is right that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget, it means you give up your right to get them back by going out and doing it too, with all sin there are consequences. That is why people hide and lie and try to get away with their sins.
For some that honor boundaries and we get tempted, believe me! Those potential consequences and the loss of one’s standing with God just is not worth adultery. I’ve been abused, slandered, cheated on my entire marriage (24 years now). He slept on the couch and carried on right in front of me. You would not believe all he did to me and our kids.
I cried myself to sleep almost nightly and would have done anything to hear a kind word -A shoulder to cry on -but I refused to defile my marriage, God, children, self. I took a vow “Forsaking all others” just commiting the act would make me a liar, obedient to Satan and an enemy to God and we do all know better. No matter what he does, I will have to answer to God and He says we will all be without excuse.
You are saying you do not advise others to come clean with your spouse? Then you have not truly repented to God and with those lies in your heart, you’re classified TO GOD as a liar. Should you die in that condition, the Bible says there are no liars in Heaven and all liars will have their place in the lake of fire. You will not have a chance to make it right on the other side. Very dangerous.
We all know how horrible consequences are, that is their purpose. To hopefully deter us from sin. Like kids that know when they do what we tell them not to, they will be in trouble somehow. Adults like this are who God is speaking of when he says “you willful children of disobedience and wrath, ye are as your father the devil” That’s not to literal kids, they aren’t reading it. It’s to us, the adults that choose other than what God commands.
If you choose not to tell your spouse all, you will have to deal with far more significant consequences later on and possibly for eternity but it may not be a good idea to advise others to choose that same path you did. Then their condition is in your hands.
I will be praying for you. I’m certain it’s a hard thing but consider what God says. Love and prayers.
(USA) My wife committed adultery. She became increasingly angry and made my life and my child’s almost unlivable. I began relying on those who assured me that they were there to help me (Christian family members). They were not, they were there to condemn and even told me that my marriage was not God’s will and that my problems were caused by me in not being faithful enough to find the right mate. She finally came out of it but only after she confessed (she only confessed because she wanted to punish the man she had an affair with). It took months of seemingly demonic possession. My life and dreams were in shambles. Financially we were broke and continue to struggle to get out the debt that was accrued through that chaos and the medical help I was seeking out for her and the fact that she lost her job.
It has now been a two year ordeal, first the shame that seemed to whirl around me, second realizing that even those close to me were not even there for me and third, the financial ruin that came afterward. I’m tired and don’t really want to live anymore. I’m not interested in life and I’m tired of the struggle. I love my wife, I love my children, but I’m so exhausted I don’t know why God has put me through this. I put on a daily show for everyone to make them think I’m okay including my wife but I feel like a complete failure in every way.
I pray everyday that God will take care of my family and let me die. The only joy I have in my life is the few hours searching the scriptures. I’m so tired of not being able to sleep at night worrying about how I’m going to take care of my family, thinking about what happened to me, and wondering where God is. Sometimes I think I have done something terribly wrong for my life to be in complete shambles before me. I’m full of fear that it will happen again, that I cannot prevent it from occurring again, and that others want to see it happen again. Lord help me!!! I can’t go on much longer.
I wished she would have never told me. I wish I would have never confided in anyone. I wished this was all over.
(AUS) Tell him.
(US) THERE is a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel. That’s what I thought; there was no light at the end of the tunnel too. BUT I found out otherwise. I was married 33 years to an emotional, physical abusive man, to me and my 6 kids children. Later on I found out he was having affairs with women. Instead of leaving I chose to live in denial and stayed with him. When all this was happening, all my closest freinds left me. It is easier to live in denial than to live in reality.
BUT one day I made up my mind I had to face it. It was painful. I also had no desire to live in this world anymore. So I started talking to GOD, telling him my pain and sorrows because he knows our pain. So why not talk to him? So I asked him to give me strength to do what I needed to do. Deep down we know what to do, we just don’t want to do it. I thought I WOULD NEVER find love again (love with abuse, no thanks).
I found a man who treats me better than my wild imagination ever thought I could have. NO it’s not GODS perfect will BUT he allowed it so I need to thank him every day. I think we forget to thank him for taking a bad situation and turning it to something for good. So what I’m trying to say is have faith in GOD and talk to him and be patient cause he will take your pain and turn it into happiness. Just have faith and be patience. GOD bless you.
(USA) Wow. I feel the same way. I committed adultery by looking at craigslist ads and by pseudo joining dating sites: setting up a free account but not actually ever meeting anyone. I know in God’s eyes that I committed adultery but I will admit at the time I saw it as a means of escape: a lie. I recently repented my sins, joined a church, joined a men’s fellowship group.
I am trying to fight for my marriage but my wife has given up. She constantly bombards me and I see it as her wanting me to quit on the marriage. I feel angry at her for treating me so badly. But who am I? How can an adulterer say he is being treated bad by the innocent party. Hope that makes sense. I know my wife feels that my finding the Lord is an act, a front as she says. All I can say is that it’s not and only time will show that I truly found the Lord. I just hope one day she will be able to forgive me and not give up on our marriage.
(ZIMBABWE) Well that decision lies with you in the end to confess to your wife or not to but I only hope that you have learnt your lesson and would not want to repeat it in the future. In my case, my husband and I have been married for ten years and have two lovely kids. We are both Christians and I loved and trusted my husband because we have gone through so much together, losing both sets of parents and siblings and comforting each other through it all. I was deeply hurt when I found out that my husband was cheating on me and he confessed that he had other affairs before the latest one. He said he was sorry about it and those affairs never meant anything, his true love was with me and the kids. He wanted us to save our marriage and I decided to give him another chance coz I love my kids and wouldn’t want them to grow up in a broken home.
Its been four months now and I have to confess it’s not easy. I try not to be bitter but at times bitterness holds me back. I imagine a situation where it was me who had committed adultery and knowing him as an arrogant person I don’t think he would have forgiven me, so I say to myself why should I be the understanding one? I care for him but I don’t know if I still love him the way I used to before the adultery. If he goes away on business trips I no longer miss him like I used to. I used to dream and plan for our future but I have since stopped and I now concentrate on loving my kids more.
I meant my wedding vows but it seems he didn’t mean his so I no longer believe in him. I think I am shielding my heart from further hurt again. Please pray for me so that the bitterness I have may go away and that one day I learn to trust my husband again. I feel like I no longer know him. Adultery destroys love, trust and hope so please fellow Christians think about it carefully before falling into it.
(UK) Dear Rodney, Your story/confession is so touching. Very honestly, I would tell you to pray as to whether you should tell your wife, as it is only prayer that can prepare both of you for what is to come. Human wisdom is great and many will come up with ideas and then you should do this you should do that …BUT it’s only the Holy Spirit that can see around the corner and knows the reaction of your wife so He can prepare her.
God bless you. You are an honest person who has backslidden… as many doing in one form or the other. So don’t condemn yourself BECAUSE papa God loves you very much. Strength and wisdom be yours, in Jesus name.
(USA) But that is like my husband’s statement that when this ex co-worker (desperate for money) called him. He went to church to ask God what he should do. He already says what he should do. Resist the devil, do not think of another with lust never mind go to her house with sex on your mind. It was all a big cop out.
The word of God says that we must confess to all we hurt. Period. No use in praying about what to do. God has it all written down and we are to obey. Too bad we just don’t do that from the start :/ Avoid all this heartache, broken testimonies, vows and kids.
Pray that she is better at getting over things than some of us but that my friend, is called “consequences.” There is forgiveness after repentance and confession but consequences remain and you are not okay with God -says HE, until you confess to her.
If you robbed a bank, would your ask God what to do? Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Prayers for all.
(CANADA) Numbers 5 tells us that we must confess adultery… David in Samual 2:11-12 had to confess his adultery. Your sin will never be covered on this earth and you will remain with it in your heart until it is completely confessed and forsaken. When a person does not confess and forsake this sin it leaves the door open to the enemy to entice them away. This is why they struggle.
Once it is confessed, regardless of your consequences, which you face you will recieve an annointing from God to live the rest of your life free from this sin and free from the great temptation that it is toward you. You will never come out of your mediocre crippled walk with God if you do not confess. I in fact, have prayed for you that if you do not confess, your wife will find you out and she will know what you have done and she will catch you for it. You will therefore stay out of hell because other wise if you continue in adultery and or fornication you will eventually lose your soul for it.
(USA) I always wonder how any one can be unfaithful to a spouse they love. To me it signifies no love. Remember Christ compares a husband and wife’s relationship to Christ relationship with the church.
In your situation, if asking forgiveness is not correcting anything, what you need to do, is to ask God to take away your desire for seeking out other women. Ask him to give you desires only for your wife. Until that desire is gone, you will be fighting a constant battle. Satan is as real as God, we know that, and he knows your area of weakness. You have POWER over Satan. And God is the power. Ask God to give you godly desires.
(JAMAICA) The pool of affected men and women is HUGE!!! We so need Jesus. I am also a victim of adultery. I have been married for 28 years and knew my husband 2 years before that and have found out that he has been faithful for all of 2 years. Yup, 2 years.
You all say that you are Christians and Rodney in particular, need to know that the devil is very real and many many people need to be delivered. Yes, not many churches teach this but it’s not only generational curses, there’s transfer of demons, entrance of demons through what you see (porn), lust, the eyes really are the windows of the soul.
In my experience I found out just from a slipped word from my husband, and I psychoanalyze everything so I began the questioning; took 6 months to get him to a deliverance minister. All kinds of demons were exposed, but he continued to not have his heart committed to God and of course, continued adultery in his heart, but you know what the Word says. I kept journals and it has been 11 years, yup. I actually know when my depression started and am now on medication for it. I don’t love him and don’t think I ever will again. I function according to my doctor but I am emotionally disconnected. He tries, but he is ignorant of what to do; the story at the top of this page is so him. I just want to say that adultery hurts…hurts real bad…and like me can lead to a life where you just exist.
(USA) I have been so devastated for the last two weeks upon learning that my wife of 9 years, 13.5 years together total, has admitted to adultery with the father of a brain injured patient she takes care of. Her excuse that I was not meeting her emotional needs may be true, but then again she tends not to believe how much I love her. Needless to say the pain is overwhelming and I cannot sleep at night and function very well.
To think that I paid this guy a lot of money to paint my house, offered to do free legal work for him, as well as dental work, makes the hurt so much worse as there was so much deception going on. When he could not come for the free dental work I was supposed to give him, my wife told me he felt uncomfortable being with me. Now I know why: Guilt.
To be honest, my wife and I met while we were both married to other spouses and thus we too began our relationship as adulterers. My experience of adultery was far worse than my present wife, as she had had only one partner before me, outside of her marriage, and that was a prominent plastic surgeron who forcibily kissed her to start the affair. However, when we finally committed to marrying each other I told my wife that I was so tired of all the deception, the lying, the guilt and the deceit that I carried out in doing my adultery that I wanted to stop and promise my new wife that I would have no more of this ilicit behavior in my system. Thus, for 13.5 years I did not touch another woman even though I had opportunites to do so and I began to be proud of myself for turning around such deceitful and horrible behavior.
The sin of adultery is not so much about the sex, it is the deceit and lies which must be told to perpetuate it and that I feel is the real damage. To look at your husband with a straight face and say you are going shopping while meeting this guy in a motel is so unnerving and hurtful, as the one who promised to take the best care of me, did not. I know affairs begin to meet unfilled emotional needs and they end because they are born in self centeredness and dishonesty. Those two factors will usually result in their destruction as no relationship can survive that is not based on honesty and consideration.
As a Catholic I have come to believe in the indissolubility of marriage and am compelled by Jesus’s teachings to forgive her adultery as on Judgment Day I wish to have my past adultery forgiven as well along with my other sins. The problem is that I see no remorse from my wife. Yet I am told that she is still bothered by the adultery she and I committed against her first husband. I wonder if her blase attitude is really masking overwhelming guilt.
I am committed to this relationship as I believe in for better or worse, the Church’s teaching on adultery, Jesus’s teaching on adultery and the fact that new research shows that people who are in unhappy marriages and work things out show the biggest improvement in happiness. Those who leave thinking they will be happier find they are no happier than people in unhapppy marriages. With a program like Retrouvaille there is an 80% success rate for hurting, healing couples.
The problem is there can be no recovery or reconciliation until the adultery stops and right now she has a husband who pays all the bills and gives her a nice lifestyle and she does not see that in jeopardy as she knows how committed I am to the relationship. What is truly sad is right before the wedding she came to me with tears in her eyes and asked: ” Robert do you promise to never abandon me?” and I said sweetie I never will.
I do not know want to do. Should I let the progress of time eventually lead to the destruction of their relationship as I do not beleive in divorce or what? I am told that the best thing is not to make her feel guilty but be loving and supporting, but it is so hard when she leaves on Friday and does not come back until Sunday and most likely she is with the adulterer.
She has a conscience and her guilt from her first adultery still bothers her. So when will her fear of God on Judgment Day kick in and allow us to rebuild from so many painful lessons? Any suggestions on how to deal with such an overwhelmingly difficult crisis which makes me almost not want to go on living somedays?
(USA) Well, it’s a very complicated situation. As it is you have opened the door for the deceitful spirit to come into your life. You just have to seek God’s face by praying and asking him for forgiveness and you should also ask your previous wife whom you left, for the present one to forgive you.
Your current wife is unrepentant and I think you should give her some space to let her sort out herself. Unfortunately for you you live in a society that allows a cheating spouse to get away with murder [literally] and still end up taking half of what you both own.
Regard this as your punishment and move on. And it’s not true that Catholics don’t divorce. Even the Bible says you can put your wife away if caught in the act of adultery.
Really no one can tell you what to do. At this point let her go and make your restitution with God. If it is his will it would work out. If not, start afresh this time; let no sin be laid at your doorstep.
(USA) Derin, your comment makes much sense, but I see it this way. First of all, with the growth of my Catholic beliefs I now believe in the indissolubility of marriage and this is a teaching directly from Christ himself and I also believe in the vows of for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and for richer or poorer. Everyone likes the for better part, everyone likes the for richer part, and everyone likes the in health part, but that is not the bargain that is asked for.
The easy thing to do would be accept such a blatant betrayal and move on, but Christ taught us that the better thing to do is show love to those who have harmed us the most. Yes, maybe I am finally being punished for all the adultery I committed on my ex-wife and God is probably finally showing me all the hurt I caused her and I could believe that. But I stopped 13.5 years ago and I think that demonstrated that I never wanted to do it again and for that I think God has shown me a better path.
We are all sinners and my wife has committed a terrible sin of deceit and adultery and again, this is devastating as the lies rolled off the lips so effortlessly. Some need was not being met and I take responsiblity for that, but when we went to Retrouvaille for a while she admitted she at times hated herself and felt the guilt from her adultery with her past husband was causing extreme damage in our relationship. I feel that she does not understand that Christian teachings tell us that sin is the first part of the equation but contrition and sorrow leads to forgiveness and a pure heart as that is what the blood of Jesus is about.
The hardest thing to do is show love to one who is hurting you so bad, but it is the right thing to do as I believe someday, whether now or in the future, she will realize what a forgving loving partner she had and thank God for that. The people who go to Retrouvaille for healing are hurting badly and many as a result of adultery, yet there is an 80% success rate. Statistics show that people who divorce find themselves no happier than people in an unhappy marriage as they tend to blame all of their unhappiness on their spouse, not realizing that they also contributed to the downward spiral of the relationship. Statistics also show that couples in an unhappy relationship who work things out make the biggest improvement in marriage and find themselves very happy 5 years later. If divorce from a spouse could bring happiness the divorcing party thought, then the next marriage should be better, but it is not.
So a person who marries for the 3rd time has a 72% chance of divorce and thus that is not the answer. Plus women who divorce twice have 4 times the rate of depression of nondivorced woman and much higher episodes of loneliness. Thus, it all points to the fact that the greatest chance for happiness lies in repairing the present marriage. I believe that God is capable of turning, hurting, lonely, bitter, angry, and desperate hearts into loving ones again as no human is capable of resisting God’s power to accomplish this.
Unfortunately, we live in a culture that teaches us to focus on our appearance, feelings, and desires as top priorites and chase the maximum level of happiness to attain these things. This is obviously contradictory to the sacrifice needed for a successful marriage. This culture of the self is based on a consumer entitlement society where I will keep my phone service as long as it is working for me but when it no longer does I will drop it for a better one. Thus, in this culture you are not happy with your spouse get rid of him or her for a new one who will make you happy all the time. Thus, we find ourselves chasing the illusory concept that one must be happy all the time or something is wrong.
No, the people who have had strong marriages that have met the test of time may have faced loneliness, rejection, unhappiness, and even adultery, but they have conquered these things and as a couple they have the important belief so necessary for marriage longevity that there is nothing that they cannot face and conquer with enough patience, love, and forgiveness and that is the side I find myself on.
Finally, I also believe that in the long run love will always triumph over sin and evil and deceit and that is the card I chose to play. The best example of this is the Prodigal son who left home and became profligate in his spending and his ways and on his way home feared he would be met with recrimination and excoriation by his father and thus was probably very uneasy when he made the decision to come home. To his surprise he was met by his father who rejoiced that he was home and ordered a party. That different welcoming to the Prodigal son probably changed his whole perception of what the message of love truly was. That unconditional love is what I will show to my wayward wife in the hope that God will spark the repentence in her and tell her to return to her husband and like Christ send to the woman who has to be condemned for adultery: “Nor do I thee condemn you, but sin no more.” That is the harder way, the way of uncondtional love, and most importantly the way Christ taught us to treat those who trespass against us. Dr. Robert
(DUBAI) Dr., I thank God for you my brother, because you asked God to intervene in your life when you really needed him. That was a bold step, and he did come through, because that is our God, ever so faithful, one who forgives our sins. Unless I missed something, I am not so sure if you are with your wife at the moment or not. But anyhow, I would urge you to love your wife unconditionally. I have no doubt about that, because it’s what you are doing. As a born again Christian, do not judge your wife, because I think she is not born again. But let her learn of Christ’s love by your actions, just like the Bible tells us to win them by.
You may need (both of you) to see a counselor, because your wife is still in bondage. That’s why the thought of her cheating on her first husband still lurks behind her. She has to let this guilt go and concentrate on this new life that you promised to give her. That’s the only way the two of you can then be on the same page and practice the vows you made to each other, to make things work this time.
Divorce and some habits like adultery can be curses. I pray that your wife gets to know the Lord, to be truly forgiven, and to break this string that is still binding her, because if she is at this point not yet over her past and moving on, it can be difficult for the two of you. There will always be something holding her back, like she feels indebted to her first hubby which is just the devils ploy to keep her away from enjoying a good, forgiven life. Don’t despair. With God, all things are possible.
(USA) If you believe in the indissolubility of marriage, then is your marriage now valid? What happened to your first wife? Are you not one with her in God’s eyes to begin with? I hope you enjoy your harvest. The adage is right. What goes around, comes around.
Thanks for your honesty here. It is rather insightful.
(UK) Dear Dr Robert, The first thing I will say to you is DO NOT SUCCUMB TO THE WILES OF SATAN BY HATING. You are at a down point in your life and satan will use it to his advantage… Regret, remorse, hatred and other negative feelings will develop if you feed on them. They are sins too. Forgive both of them honestly from your heart. The fact that you don’t believe in divorce is great as Satan cannot grip you there. So take it to God in prayer and He WILL make a way for you.
Regarding your wife’s fear of God kicking in, it has NOTHING to do with you as we are all responsible for our own actions in front of God. If you really want to see some reaction from her about God fearing, then there is only one thing to do, PRAY AND PRAY for her. You didn’t create her so don’t try to study her and squeeze a reaction out of her BUT leave it to all knowing… all wise GOD. God bless you my brother.
(USA) Hi, I am just wondering if you were a born again Christian when you were committing this act of sin. Or did you become saved after the sin? I have committed adultery while being a born again Christian. I cannot forgive myself for this, nor do I feel as though God can forgive me either. Everywhere I look in His word now what I see is nothing but His wrath. I confessed and asked forgiveness from my spouse and our Lord. My husband forgave me although it has been hard for the both of us.
I feel that Hebrews 10:26 applies to me now. I am so scared, I feel like I lost fellowship with the Lord. I feel as though I am so lost now. I can’t sleep at night. I am tourtoued by this day and night. Did you go through this? I do not have God’s peace or joy anymore. My life has become very difficult for me now. I can’t go on without God. I feel I lost my savior. Please help. Thanks. Broken, Lisa
(BULGARIA) Hey Lisa, I just want to tell you and your husband, that GOD STILL FORGIVE ALL SIN!!! 1 John 1:9, Luke 15:10-32. In Hebrews 10:26, you must read all context in Hebrews 10. I’m born again Christian for 16 years. Three years ago I fell in adultery, and until now (feb 2010) I was in agony! But now Jesus forgave me ALL sins, cleans me with HIS MIGHTY BLOOD, gave me PEACE and HE will give you PEACE and COMFORT!!! Just receive them with faith!!! Peace and Love in Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Saviour!
(NIGERIA) I totally agree with you. I am born again, yet I could not resist the good looks and body of the member I sinned with. However, deep down within me, I do believe and know that Christ has indeed and truly forgiven me. 1 John 1:9. Therefore, do not allow satan to continue to hold your past against you, as God already knew even before you went in, that you will fall, yet his cleaning blood is there to wash us, and make us whole, if and when genuinely we FORSAKE our sins. SHALOM
(USA) Redeemed Johnson, Have you allowed your spouse to forgive you?
(USA) Is there anything you can suggest that would heal the agony quicker? I so want the Holy Spirit back in my life. It is as though my spirit is dead. Did you feel that? I treated my husband so horribly. I also suffered a nervous break down after this. Now I don’t think that I have a sound mind. I read the Bible now and get a totally new light on it now. How much I failed my Lord, and my Husband, and children.
I want to make it all right again, but I don’t know how. I long to feel close to God again. I have a hard time believing that the promises that God gives me in His word are for me now. I want to stand on them, but feel so undeserving of them now. I have no hope. Please if anyone can help me, I need help. I have been seeing a couple of Pastors for counseling, they both point out that God has forgiven me, however I have it in my mind that if I would have done this before I was born again I would totally have been forgiven. Nothing everyone says frees me.
I want so much to laugh again, do God’s work again, have friends again, and to love my Husband the way God wants me to. My desires are gone, the things that I loved to do are also gone. My husband so wants me to get past this, but how can I without God, Jesus my Savior and the Holy Spirit working full force in my life again? Please help.
(USA) You mentioned tht you were a born again Christian for 16 years, and then fell into adultery three years ago. How did you get past the shame and guilt? I still feel very lost. My husband wants me to move on with him, but I have a hard time believing that Jesus forgives me. How do I possibly forgive myself? I so want to feel God’s peace within me.
Did you feel at some point that you Lost you salvation? I have repented and rededicated my life to Jesus but still deal with the guilt shame and anxiety that I caused my God, my husband, and myself. How did you read God’s word and not feel condemned? I still have a hard time reading God’s word because I failed so bad.
I really need someone to talk to who has been through this and has been restored. I want to be alive again. Please tell me how and when you felt the forgiveness from God. What about the Holy Spirit? Didn’t He leave you because of your sin? I feel as though He has left me. I know all of this is my own fault I blame no one. I want to be able to think that God still loves me and still has a plan for my life. My heart and soul feel empty inside where he once was. I want so much to be filled again. Thanks.
(BULGARIA) Hey Lisa, I’m glad to see your words here! The battle is over, on the cross! Jesus took all your shame and guilt on the cross! Don’t forget this! If He can forgive you, you must to forgive yourself! Yes, you felt dawn badly, but… ON THE WAY! Even 7 times… YOU WILL STAND UP! HE gave His life for you, and God is still your Father!!! You are saved, because you BELIEVE in Jesus as Christ, IF YOU STOP to believe, that Jesus is Lord, Savior, the Living God, and God raised Him from the dead, THAN you can lose salvation! You can take my mail address from leaders of this site, to talk with your husband too. MARANATHA!!!
(USA) I totally can relate to your story. It’s exactly like how I feel –the guilt and shame!!! What does our Lord think on this? He carried the the cross for us and I stomped on its meaning. Sure my husband has forgiven me because he also had an affair, and he feels he pushed me away and I fell for comfort and a shoulder to cry on, a man to have given me attention and self worth. But it was a disaster! Never again! I have turned to to the Lord! I’m taking one day at a time! Prayers for your healing and for your family.
(USA) I just recently confessed. I actually never wanted to tell him ever but God spoke through me and it just came out. I confided in a friend about that and she made a great point, God is putting you through an experience to get you closer to Him, and it made me feel at ease.
My affair was with a co-worker who isn’t even that better looking than my husband at all! What I found so attractive about him was the same interests we shared BUT that was exactly the same interests my hubby and I shared. At that time my husband was unemployed in a conventional job, he is a musician and we had a studio where he worked in our home. I think what attracted me to the other man was that he had a job. Well anywho we had committed adultery, he is married as well with two children, twice and consistently flirted through texts. I liked the excitement because he was younger than me. Well after we committed adultery there would be times where he just wouldn’t even talk to me and I noticed he was starting to shower all these other girls with the same thing he did with me. I received closure that he probably has done this before and during our fling and I moved on. After I confessed I agreed to have my husband inform coworkers wife …it’s only right. I also cut off any contact with this man so when his wife finds out he can’t contact me at all!
Right now my husband is angry and hurt but has still kept the option of reconciliation there but it’s not guaranteed. I know that he is on a roller coaster of emotions as we speak. I’m considering going through a fast but becoming the woman of God I was intended to be and being the woman my husband wants me to be. I know it will take time to rebuild that trust but I will fight for my marriage and my man but please still keep us in prayer. Thank You.
(USA) Redeemed have you received my e-mail? I realy need help.
(USA) Hi Lisa, I’m so sorry to say that we just can’t give you the email address of “Redeemed,” nor can we give him your email address. I sense that your intentions are pure, but it’s not a good idea for us to hook you up with each other in this way. It’s too dangerous, on so many levels. I know that people hook up in chat rooms all the time, but we aren’t a chat room, nor will we ever be one because the Bible tells us to “flee” temptation, not to walk into it, and we don’t want to enable temptation to grab you any more than what you are dealing with. You have both had affairs with others, which tells us that you are both vulnerable to falling in love with those you should not give your heart to, since you are married to other people. I’m not judging you; I’m just stating facts. If you and “Redeemed” want to encourage each other on this web site, so others can benefit from reading what you are learning & the ways you can help each other, that will be the only way we can accommodate your needs here. I wish we could do more, but we just can’t. Please know you are both in our prayers. Sometimes the process of doing what is right and the healing process afterward is agonizingly long. I hope you can hang on, lean into the healing so you won’t have to endure the pain longer than it is going to take to be completed.
(BULGARIA) Hi again, Lisa! I still feel the agony, especially because my wife doesn’t know about my adultery. But I’m waiting on God to tell me when to tell her. God is sooo good! Isaiah 42:3I you think that you’re under oppression, but REMEMBER you are free because Jesus paid for all your sins /the past sins and sins of your future/ and even before you’re born! Your spirit is not dead!!! You still want Jesus and this desire is ONLY from Holy Spirit! You must stay closer than ever to God, your husband, your kids, pray with them, especially with your husband!
I so want to pray with my wife, you must not let pass it! REMEMBER You deserve all God’s promises because of JESUS, not because of your righteous walking! Now you’re walking in obedience to God, and you’re in His hand and He still loves you! God hates the sin, but loves you so much! Isaiah 49:14-16 I’m so glad to confess here my sin because at this tme only God knows and the people here! God is so strong to restore all spheres of your family life! I will pray for you and your family! Numbers 6:24-26.
(USA) I would like to email you however I do not know how to get your email address. Things have not changed here, still feel spiritually dead, lost, depressed, and full of fear. I haven’t gotten a good night sleep since all of this happened.
(BULGARIA) Hey Lisa, I wrote to Mail on Contact at this site to give them my permission to give you my e-mail address, and you can ask them too! God bless your family! And remember – JESUS DIED FOR YOU!!! HE NEVER LEAVES YOU!!!
(USA) You are on a very dangerous path. You owe the truth to you wife YESTERDAY! It’s clear to everyone reading that you not only use Calvary as an excuse but are looking for others to “connect” with and your wife is the only connection you should need.
Jesus died for the sin we were born into, those sins after we claim Him will be answered for, JUDGED He says and harshly. The adulterous part of you is still seeking what you should only be getting from your wife and since you have not confessed all to her, you are a liar. So says God and if you die in this sin, guess what? “All Liars will have their part in the lake of fire” Rev 21:8.
Drink waters from your own well and get other women off your mind. God wants you to confess to your wife NOW! Please try putting half as much energy into what God has given you and resist the devil. You have listened to him, his false teaching and justifications long enough. Make it right with you wife or you are not right with God.
(ZIMBABWE) Surviving in a relationship after one of the spouses has committed adultery is very difficlut. My husband committed adultery and we ended up both being HIV positive and it was not easy. Guys, we really need to learn to forgive each other though it’s not easy. We went to our pastor after finding out that we were positive and he had not yet confessed anything. Pastor advised us to first talk and forgive each other before he prayed for us. It took him almost a year before he revealed the truth that he had an extra marital affair and what hit me most was he blamed me that he commited adultery. l had too forgive him though at times, the thing comes back in my mind. Pastor prayed for us and we are now both negative. A forgiving heart is a characteristic of love. THE DEVIL FIGHTS MARRIAGES AND IF WE ARE NOT STRONG WE WILL END MARRYING FOUR OR FIVE TIMES IN OUR LIVES.
(USA) Hello Terry, Thank you for your testimony, it’s such a big help. What are the odds of two HIV positive people being diagnosed as negative after prayer? It shows that our Lord lives and still does miracles in things that medicine can’t. This gives all of us hope that if we stay in the will of God our problems will be solved. God hates divorce and whatever marriage problems we have, He can solve. He is the Creator, the life we have was all his idea. Yes, marriage has some of the biggest life challenges but our God who loves us is above every trouble we have. Faith is good for us.
Hebrews 6:10-12
Hebrews 10:35-38
(SOUTH AFRICA) I’m saved and love the Lord Jesus Christ who saved my life, and so does my husband who is a deacon and a music minister. I am in so much pain, me and my husband allowed a lady to come home and stay with us during the weekends for some time, while my husband was producing her music. She told us she was saved and with that she was doing some strange gospel like album.
During those times it later turns out they were having some sexual thing going on during the recording sessions in the studio in my home. As my husband could not live with himself he got convicted and confessed to God and later to me. We are busy trying to heal by God’s grace. As difficult as it is now that the matter is in the open, the lady turns around to say she wants to press rape and sexual assault charges against my husband. l need God to help me to heal and to forgive her and forgive my husband in peace. l was not looking forward to court or anything worse than what she has already put me though.
(AMERICAN SAMOA) Goodness Liso. I’m so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately most of the time the men are weak and they often fall into temptation and things such as this happens. I, too, am having issues with my ex-husband who I had reconciled with, and then I later found he was seeing an old girlfriend, someone he had dated before we decided to get back together. They broke up and then he and I got back together, but he didn’t inform me that they had gotten back together after him and I. I didn’t find out until months later.
After finding out I was almost two months pregnant. I let him go hoping he’d come to his senses right away, but it wasn’t until I stopped being angry and I decided to talk to him that he decided his first priority would be to get to his kids and then him and I would go from there. Prayer does help because I prayed and believed every single day that somehow we would get some place good again and here we are. It’s not far, but it’s somewhere, and he was taken back by my mentioning God.
Liso, I will pray for you every day. God bless you and don’t be discouraged. There are people who go through situations with pain and anger, but God always helps them through. God has always helped me through because of my faith and I encourage you to be strong in yours. And God will reveal the truth. Mark 4:22 says “Forever, whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed and whatever is hidden is meant to be brought out into the open.” If that woman is lying, God will come through and reveal the truth for you. Pray and be strong in your faith. Everything will be ok. God bless you, Liso.
(USA) Wow. I’m always surprised and annoyed when people blame God for their decisions and mistakes. He said “God brought me to brokenness” and God wants this marriage to survive, etc, instead of taking any responsibility.
There is no real healing after infidelity. The bond and the trust are broken, forever. It’s a delusion to think otherwise. People stay in marriages for all sorts of reasons but if there has been infidelity, the spouse who was wronged is there for a reason other than love or partnership. Those parts are gone.
Nobody wants to consistently attacked for their mistakes, but what can the adulterer expect? It’s a serious offense. I am so sorry for his wife. I hope that she can eventually be rid of him once she no longer has the “reason” to stay.
(USA) After reading everyone’s comments I have to speak out. I believe that there are some marriages that should not have taken place. However, God is a god of love, and lust and deceit is of the devil. What if two people are struggling because they love each other but they know sex is not what they want from one another not because they don’t desire each other but because they know it would be wrong and irresponsible, but they are committed to be friends forever? Is that wrong?
God is a god of love and no matter what, he knows your heart and your true intentions. I believe there are reasons for everything. God says a house divided will not stand. And if you’re not equally yolked where does all that fit in a marriage?
(USA) Lisa, from the USA, from April 20: How I wish there was a quicker way to “heal agony quicker” but unfortunately, there isn’t — other than doing things God’s way. It may SEEM long or longer than other “quick fix” ways, but it’s the surest way that you will truly heal.
When we have invited the ways of the enemy of our faith into our lives, severe damage is done, not only to us, but to so many others, including God’s Kingdom work. And it takes time and perseverance and persevering faith, if we are going to participate with God in bringing redemption into that which “seeks to kill and destroy.” We live in a world that trains and grooms impatience within us. We want the pain to go away quickly… which is of course, is understandable. But it isn’t reality.
As Bible teacher, Beth Moore says (which I believe to be true). “If God puts a stay on things, something is up… things in Heaven are coming into play with things on earth.” We need to allow God to work in and through us in His timing and quit looking for a “time” when the pain will end, but participate with Him in doing what it will take and eventually you will experience His peace and healing. As Beth goes on to say, “We will lose our strength when we wait upon the event, but our strength will be renewed when we wait upon the LORD.”
There are several articles I recommend you read on our web site (and more that God will most likely show you) which I believe will help you because they apply scriptural principles you can cling to and live through.
One article is found in the “Mental and Physical Health” section and is titled, “Living in Confidence Because of Who You Are.” It sends you to additional articles to read as well. And then in the “Spiritual Matters” section, the article “Discerning the Difference Between the Conviction of the Holy Spirit and the Condemnation of the Enemy of Our Faith” would be good for you to read.
The enemy of our faith is trying to keep you down and under the thumb of oppression. You need to recognize the evil ways this is inflicted upon you because don’t have to stay there. You are free in Christ as you yield to Him and give Him all you did and your entire being for healing. It may take time… but lean into the healing and God will show you His faithfulness.
If it helps, write out scriptures on cards and carry them with you and memorize them and “hide them in your heart” so that when the enemy tries to accuse you again, you can throw out the accusations like junk mail. Because you have already confessed and repented, there is no truth to the lies being whispered to you. And if the accusations are persistent, then be all the more persistent in throwing them out until the victory of Christ is yours.
Learn how to be the wife God wants you to be. Put your energies into that which is positive (as Philippians 4:8-9 tells us to do). Don’t feed negative thoughts which are being thrown at you. Keep embracing God’s Truth and you will see God unravel this thing and bring redemption despite the darkness that is presently surrounding you. I hope you will and pray God’s hope, help and healing will be yours, Lisa.
(UK) One Sunday morning i found my husband sobbing like I had never seen before. I was scared and asked him what was going on then the dreaded words came out of his mouth “I have cheated on you” AHHHHHHH!!!
Well, it turns out he had been sleeping with his business partner who I knew very well. I always thought he found her irritating and untrustworthy so that I would defend her most of the time but then that could have been a cover up. On one occasion I urged him to buy her flowers after he had been horrible to her. I felt like an idiot, a total idiot. I would let him go out for after works drinks etc. This affair must have gone on for 2 years and I never knew because I thought being a Christian man, he would have boundaries and would never do something like that. It was also going on whilst I was pregnant with my 3rd child. We have 3 kids and have been together for 10 years and feel like those 2 years he was just acting and living a lie.
I know I have forgiven him because he showed so much remorse and repentance and also I would have never found out if he had not confessed. I think the most pain comes from the betrayal element and the lies associated with covering up the dirt. The pain of adultery is so great and unless you are on the recieving end you will never know; it cuts really deep.
I am constantly in agony. I want it all to go away. I have good and bad days. Today I am having a bad one. He constanly reassures me and is willing to answer any questions I may have regarding the affair. Please pray for me saints of God, to erase this horrid part of my life.
(IRELAND) I had the same experience, and the amount of pain and anger is too much to handle. It was through God’s grace that I managed to find peace when all was too much. In my case, leaving was the only solution. Some things are too broken to actually be mended. I am now healed and am picking up pieces to start over. I have forgiven but I am not going back there.