I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?
The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough —family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep.
Falling Away From Faithfulness
Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.
But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.
Answering Questions After Adultery
After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours —and I mean all hours —with answers to her questions. We talked and I explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.
“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. Yes, I had sinned, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.
I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?
Suspicious Questioning
After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.
Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, I figured if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.
Why God?
So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me —here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.
As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me. I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.
God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?
God’s Revelation
Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”
Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.
Staying Committed After Adultery
Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The main thing I needed to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.
This article comes from the book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, written by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend it highly enough! Mona and Gary have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help! You will read about the Shriver’s journey to healing in this book.
You can reach the authors Gary and Mona Shriver, at Hopeandhealing.us.
(INDIA) Hi, I have been married for 4 years to my loving wife. I am working in a diferent place and my wife is staying in our home town. There is a maid who used to work for me. She seduced me and wantedly came forward for fun. At first I neglected, but later I could not resist my lust. To be frank, we did not have intercourse. But I wanted to see her with under wear. And she did.
I am totally shattered with what I did and all along I knew I was doing a grave sin. I am a born again. But could not resist myself. My guiltyness is killing me. I am so devoted to my wife that this thing makes me mad and I don’t know what to do. Please help Brothers & Sisters.
(BULGARIA) Hey Aloneman, you are going to play with fire, but IF YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER you will be blessed. See: Proverbs 6:25-27. Stay SOOOO close to your wife, every day! After “under wear” you’ll want more and more, until you loose all your blessings in life! Jesus is alive and sooooo mercifull!!! HE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND!!! Confess your sins to Him, pray for more power and blessing! Don’t give up! Stay the course!!!
(ISRAEL) To complete healing you have to put right the things that went completely wrong.
1. Meet that lady and tell her that she is bad… and that she needs to repent because she has been a “stumbling block” in your life with your wife.
2. That you have repented of falling into her trap and that she must not carry on doing this to other men, but that she should repent and find Christ in her life.
3. That you detest her ways and call onto God to put right all the bad she has done in your life.
4. That she should not be using her beauty to make man fall… but to put it to the service of God adding a nice heart and care for the needy…
5. If she does not repent she will go into perdition because God hates the sexual immoral, liars, adulterous, etc. (Rev 22:15) (The ideal will be in front of your wife, if she new about it if not do not tell her and sort yourself out.)
Another thing, if she starts to cry, DO NOT EMBRACE HER and pity her because she is being horrible. Just tell her to go and see a priest and to repent, then leave her. No need to hear her story or anything from her mouth. Do not let her speak. Say what you have to say (what I wrote above are just ideas, may be you have better ones, but the important thing is to tell her how much you detest and hate what she has done to seduce you).
A husband who has committed adultery and repents in this way is a healing to his wife also. But if he tries just to put a show to convince his wife that now there is nothing between them, but in truth there is, believe me he will have a hell in his home because women have a sense to smell something wrong. And just remember that the cowards will not enter into the Kingdom of God. To lie to one’s wife with another woman, even a friendship with some love involved only, is a sign of cowardess. If the man is able to confront his wife with the affair then he is not only a coward but also a wretch and one can doubt completely of his believe in God, until he turns in tears (real) to Him. So be aware…
Do not think that God has called us Christians to be silent in the face of adulterous, liars, homosexuals, lesbians, etc. No, he has called us to bring their sin into their eyes, into the open, to give witness to their evil ways that they may repent before is too late. Saint Augustine is a guide to women to not to let their adulterous husbands get by without correction. He says that if the husband does not repent, to bring the whole matter in front of the whole Church to see if they feel some shame. If not, we are told by Christ that we can leave a husband only in the case of adultery… “God, the one whom he loves he rebukes and chasten.. therefore repent..” (Rev 3:19)
(RSA) I have to say that the emotional tsunami of being told about your spouses’ adultery, is something that no person deserves. I was 3 months pregnant with my third child, when I discovered sexual-video recordings of my husband and another woman. At first you start doubting your eyes, and then you start doubting yourself. He insisted that nothing happened and that it was just a casual fling. He even swore on the Holy Bible (as he knows I am a Christian). 5 Days later, the ‘other’ woman confessed to a 18 month full on sexual affair. He immediately confessed and called for God’s intervention, saying that he must have been ‘possessed by demons’. He shouted to Our Lord for mercy and that I would not leave him… where-upon I returned home in the evening to have him confess 3 other sexual partners in our 11 year-old marriage.
I was swept over… Cold, I trusted him, and I gave him my ALL. He was the only man in my life, in all aspects. He professed that he LOVES me, and that I was the reason for his adultery. Told me that I was not ‘woman enough’ for him. I left… He went to fellow Christian advisers, pastors and councilors and went for marathon deliverance sessions. He then proceeded to tell me that God is in him, and that he is reborn. He attends church now and seems very Holy… but why does it feel like a smokescreen? Why did he only repent when his back was against the wall?
I stayed for the sake of my children, but I am not interested in my former marriage, and do not trust him at all. He has this habit of excusing everything he does… always blaming others. I struggle with intense emotional scars now, and still do not trust him. He wants to know… ‘If God can forgive me, you should too: or you do not have the Holy Spirit in you?’ I feel very confused and altogether extremely weary of this sly person. — When is repentance genuine and real, how can you tell???
(USA) Repentance is real when it’s not filled with justification or excuses. Repentance is of the form, “What I did was wrong and a sin against both you and God. I will do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. There is no excuse, nor valid reason for what I did. It was wrong, hurtful, and I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me.” That’s repentance, not just words, but then living it out.
When you see him live out those words, you will have your evidence of his repentance. Look in the Psalms. Psalms 51, IIRC, is an excellent example of David’s confession of his sin with Bathsheba. When your husband is living out that Psalm, he gets it.
(USA) I am 49 years old and have been married for 29 years. I have never felt that I have lived up to my husbands perfections and standards. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home with much emotional and physical abuse from my older siblings. My mother was an addict and was never around to protect me or care for me like she should have. The pain of those days have haunted me through out my entire adult life.
I have been in 2 very serious affairs in my life while I have been married, the most recent one lasting 5 years. I have known the Lord my entire life, but only have given my life to Christ this past year and a half. I was not only caught up in these affairs but drank and did drugs to mask the pain.
Last year in August the Lord took this man that I was involved with and moved him out of state. This happened because God knew I would have continued down that path of spritual destruction. We continued the “emotional affair” via phone calls, emails and text messaging. Two weeks ago I made a commitment to end this due to the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
Each day is a struggle not to pick up the phone or send an email. As I give my thoughts of despreation to the Lord, he heals me and allows me to know that He is where I need to run for my love, not my husband or this other man. I know that as I do my part in this healing process God will do His part. Staying in the word and seeking the friendship of Christian women has helped me press forward.
(UNITED KINGDOM) For the past 9 months I have been drowning in emotions. My husband of 29 years confessed to having an affair with a so-called good friend of ours, when I was pregnant with our first child 28 years ago. Both were very committed born again Christians, who at the time hid behind their faith. They admitted that they were attracted to each other but as their Christian beliefs were so strong they never acted on their feelings. That was hard enough to to contend with.
But then he tells me 28 years later after a very happy marriage, that he cannot live with his guilt and must confess to having a sexual relationship with the woman. I am struggling with the deception that now colors the past 28 years. I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie. I find it hard to forgive him… as he conveniently cannot remember details. So why tell me now?
So to those adulters out there who feel that they must confess after many years, consider the damage you will do to your spouse, as I feel I no longer love my husband and quite frankly do not even like him, and even question his faith and mine.
(UNITED KINGDOM) The Lord said “NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST YOU SHALL PROSPER.” God our Father will not allow a test that is beyond your ability to come your way. You guys, this is a war we must fight! Joel 3:10 says, “LET THE WEAK SAY I AM STRONG.” These are the last days and we all know what the Bible says about the last days. But may God bless those who have so far persevered.
Lets join hands and pray in faith for those who have been hurt. It’s not an easy road trust me. I suppose this is the same way that Jesus feels when we cheat on him as well. I think his pain is even worse because he went through so much pain to have us. But still, when we ask for forgiveness, he forgives us. So lets all forgive.
I hope I have encouraged somebody.
(UNITED STATES) First off, Cocoa thank you for your honesty. You answered a question I was seeking an answer for. I have been married now for 30 years. In that time, I have had a few adulterous relationships. Even though I regreted them and asked for forgiveness I still repeated them. Seven years ago I was friends with a younger man that I enjoy being with. He was married with kids and our friendship turned into more. I feel like for him it was not a serious matter but for me it was like an obsession.
I never wanted to walk out of my marriage. Never a thought to do that. I love my husband and I have always intended to be with him. I was just not very happy with the intimacy part of our relationship. Funny thing is the man I was so obsessed with I dont think had true feelings for me. I think to him it was a good time. I really acted a fool and in the end I was left feeling ashamed and disgusted by my actions. I had stopped relations of intimacy with my husband after this but remained in our marriage. I loved him and he is such a good man and provider. I think one of the best dad’s as far as putting their needs first. The non intimate relationship between us has taken it’s toll. I just felt no desire for him.
There were even things and also in the intimacy I did not enjoy so my thoughts were why pursue this. I didn’t know how to tell him without hurting his feelings, so I said nothing. I just stopped. Anyhow the past few years we have been through so much emotional and financial stress and not having the intimacy has not helped. We did have, I thought, our friendship and caring and I realize I do love him and I was secure in the fact that love was returned. He had told me he was in it for the long run many times.
During the crisis in our life I had found myself asking God to give me strength not to want to be adultreous and to forgive me. I still feel so much shame and I have never had great faith so it has been a constant struggle. I had never told my husband of my unfaithfulness. I did not want to hurt him and thought it unnecessary if I was right with God.
Recently I had noticed that my husband has become very indifferent to me. He stopped saying I love you and was avoiding me and staying gone all the time and no affection whatsoever. I asked him what was wrong and he would not give me a satisfactory answer. I knew he was friends with a woman but thought nothing of it. Mostly because she was of another race and his pledge I would never lose him. He would talk to her here at the house and went to her home to help her after a surgery and went with her to pick out tile for her floors and even once to a football game because she had box seats and her friend could not go. Still I believed he was faithful. Well I continued to be curious about his behavior and I looked at the phone bill to discover that what I had thought was an innocent friendship had become so much more.
I asked him about it and of course he denied but then became very angry looked at me and said, “that’s it I am done. I don’t love you anymore and haven’t for a long time.” I was so shattered and disbelieving. I just tried to get him to explain to me what I had done. He said I made him feel like he had no say, like he did not matter and that he was a paycheck. I can understand why he would say those things and can agree that at times I surely must have seemed that way. I have since apoligized for my wrong doing but I still have not confessed my adultrey. He moved out and is not talking to me.
We do text but it is very limited. I miss him and I do love him but find myself wondering if maybe we are better off apart. I feel like I deserve this and have no right to complain so that makes things even harder. I try and let it rest in God’s hands because I just don’t have any answers- just know how hurt I am and very confused. I have never really worked because I was always a homemaker and Mom so my job and skills are limited. That plays a part too! I am vey afraid what will come of me.
A friend took me by the hand and has been taking me to church. This is not a norm for me but I find it to be necessary for me especially right now. If any good has come from this I would say that is the blessing. I want and need God to forgive me and I want to live in a way pleasing to God. I want to know I am forgiven and ask that God lead me in all ways to know what I should be doing. As far as my husband goes, I love him and I am very hurt but at the same time I can understand where he is at. I have been there myself. I don’t feel I want this to be the end of us but I don’t know how if it’s even possible we can find our way back. I just pray every day that he take away my hatred, prejudice, pain, self-doubt, fear and to give me peace and Guidance.
(UK) Dear Kristen, my heart goes out to you. I have seen how much my husband has suffered for his deceit, but as you have found out to your sorrow, deceit, does colour your life and living with it causes you to give only a portion of yourself. Your husband has noticed this over the years, I sincerely hope that you can learn to give totally of yourself without holding anything back.
I am still struggling to like my husband again. I can say wholeheartedly that I love him, but I do not know who he is anymore. I am finding it difficult to forgive him. Each day is a struggle, and to be frank I sometimes think it would be easier not being together. As your relationship with your husband, I now am reaching the stage where I only feel indifference, as I have been a good loving, faithful wife for the past 29 years and ask myself, “where did love, honesty, faithfulness get me??? I imagine that, that is probably how your husband felt.
Here’s hoping that you can restore your marriage. Prayer will help. God Bless you.
(USA) Kristen, your husband knows something’s wrong from all the years of neglect from you, perhaps he’s had suspision of you seeing other men, he may have evidence of your affair/s, perhaps he’s been waiting for you to be honest with him (hence his feeling like a paycheck!) it’s time you came clean with your husband, he’s lived a lie for way to long, if he leave, he leaves, it’s his right to be with someone who would be faithful to him. Let him go, if he wants to go, stop dragging him through the mud!
(USA) I had become suspicious of my husband’s activities with a member of his church, but when I confronted him, of course he denied it all. I finally found the evidence I needed (cell phone bill and emails) then again confronted him, at which time he confirmed the adultery. We are Christians and my husband is active in the ministry at his church. The other woman is part of his ministry team and I do know her well. Additionally I’m battling uncurable cancer and have felt so alone in this battle, that I had no support from my husband and that I had no one to lean on. I left my family, friends and supporters to move 2500 miles to marry him. I guess I feel somewhat like Elizabeth Edwards. However in my case no child is involved.
I have forgiven my husband, but I still suffer from anger, betrayal, hurt and mistrust. I do not throw it up in his face, badger him with questions or try to punish him. I’m deeply bothered though by his attitude that he “made a mistake”, that I should forgive him and all is good. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way and I still have to work through the hurt and betrayal. His first wife cheated on him, told him how good it was then decided to leave him 20 years ago. He told me how hurt and worthless that made him feel and how he even considered suicide. During our courtship we promised each other that we would not bring that kind of pain into our marriage.
The problem I’m having is that I told my husband that in order for us to move on, heal and restore our marriage he would have to remove himself from the other woman and drop all contact with her. That meant he would have to give up his ministry work where she is involved, the church, Bible study, etc. He balked at this for weeks, but I could not stand handling the burden of their infidelity on me any longer and went to talk to the pastor. I felt that here I was, the victim, but I was shouldering all their sin because no one else knew about it and he wanted to perserve his reputation. The pastor agreed with me that they should not work together and removed them ministry work. He told my husband that his priorities were to be God, then his wife before the ministry and that he needed to work on restoring and healing the marriage. This put my husband in a funk and he took to bed and eating junk because he felt he had nothing in his life to do. I was made to feel guilty… that I was the reason he lost his ministry. After he popped out of his funk, we began working on restoration, but on a weekend trip we took to get away from it all, I caught him making a phone call to her, which put us back at square one.
I love my husband and want our marriage to survive, but he doesn’t seem to understand that I don’t need depression and anxiety in my life while dealing with cancer. After counseling, the pastor has given his okay for my husband to again start up his ministries, and wants us to become a ministry team. I do not want to see or be around the other woman who still goes to that church. It will just conjure up bad feelings, delay the healing process and cause additional anxiety. I’m willing to attend another church, the mega-church we attended until 2 years ago, but my husband wants to stay at the smaller church, where he has a position and can do God’s work.
I’m standing on God’s word for healing, “…by his stripes we are healed.” However, until that healing is manifested, I’m doing what I can to stay as positive as I can and not knealing down to depression and hopelessness. Dealing with the cancer, the infidelity and the continuing connection with the other woman is just a lot for me to bear.
By the way, he told me the reason he strayed was that we had grown apart over the years and he didn’t feel we could get back together. However he never mentioned this nor did he come to me to get things back on track.
Please keep us in your prayers… We seem to be doing better except for him wanting to go back to the church where the other woman is.
(SOUTH AFRICA) To all of you out there, that have been hurt by a lying, deceiving, cheating, adulterer, who confesses to love God first, but lies to you… the pain, takes a very long time to heal, as one can forgive the adutlery, but not the lies and deceit… and you wonder, if every word from their mouth is another lie. So when, you forgive, it is actually a daily forgiveness, as in my case, it was the daily lies and deceit… those you struggle to forgive.
As when a born again, baptised in the Spirit hides behind God and his beliefs for so long, and accuses you of being party with satan and even contemplating or thinking that they could possibly be committing a sin… and then they confess their sins, the very ones that you have asked God’s forgiveness for, for even thinking that one of his servants could possibly be fornicating with your best friend!!!! Those are the hardest to forgive.
And have you noticed as in Cindy’s and all the other aduterers answers, they are contrite yet the victim suffers. And the sinner gets his (or her) sins cast into a sea of forgetfulness, as well as the victim must be the “bigger person” and forgive. How easy it is to say to the victim you will be “punished” by the New Testament and Jesus, lest you don’t forgive, so in this instance I think I would be wise to call myself a Jew…. as an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, seems like the way forward as the victim.
Oh!!! should I ask for forgiveness for my hardened heart, that is full of pain and breaking…. I thought Jesus was a loving God. xxxx
(GHANA) My wife has cheated on me form the time we were dating through to this day. I found out about this after we were married through her letters to a pen-pal. I take my vows very serious so am always on guard not to fall to this behavior and I have been faithful for the past 13 years of our marriage. I forgave her for that and even destroyed the letters just to let us start afresh. But I think she cannot change because she keeps cheating on me.
I struggle with everything that I do and I hear curses come upon a husband whose wife cheats on him and I’m beginning to believe this as I’m having problems with my job, finances, etc. She even travels to another west African country to be with another man just last month. I love my wife very much but I am a confused man and I need prayers to rid myself from what I going through. Please help, I need answers.
(USA) I guess I want to use this as kind of a confession/asking for prayer. Recently I slipped into the sin of adultery. Just once, and we have no intention to repeat it. I guess the bigger issue is that she does not wish to tell her husband, and I agree, as I think a non-christian would most likely divorce her, ruining her children’s lives.
Another issue is that I want to stay close to the family, because the only desire left in my heart is to in some way atone for my sins. I say this not to imply that humans can atone for any sin, for only God can forgive sins, nor will any sacrifice make us worthy in his eyes but the sacrifice of his Son and our reliance on him.
However, Jacob spent 14 years working to find the wife he wanted, demonstrating great loyalty. Is it wrong that I want to spend the rest of my life to try to make this up to him? I feel like I have wronged him so much… in my nightmares that plague me the only thing that gives me peace is the thought of devoting my life to him. I can use any money I make to help his family, and maybe eventually God will grant me a chance to sacrifice my life for him… one can only hope…
I guess staying around her might make the degree of danger higher though. I am certain that such things won’t happen again, but I guess most Christians would advise me to just leave and never see any of the family again. But if I just go off and live my life, how can I ever make it up to him? We weren’t that close, but I knew from the sound of his voice that he really loved his children and his wife. And I also know that she loved him.
Her weakness was in allowing herself to tease me physically, and my weakness was in not forcing her to put a stop to it. Telling someone to stop with words just seems to encourage them.
However, originally we had no such intentions. We were just good friends… never slept together until one day we were watching a drama late at night and fell asleep together. I woke up to her wrapped around me, and suddenly I was dizzy and conflicted by feelings I had never felt before.
I’m a touch on the old side, but had never kissed or had a girlfriend. I had always lived my life as a faithful Christian. The few sins I had were the times when I watched pornography. But that wasn’t that common…particularly when I was faithful to God in college. But in this time I had been falling away from God due to disgust with the hypocrisy in the church… yet I fell into the sin that I hated the most.
The next night when it was time for bed, she said ‘let’s lie down together a while.’ She put her head against mine and I wanted that feeling so much… my whole life I had never had anyone rest their head on my shoulder… it was a feeling better than anything in the world… better than sex might I add… people who don’t appreciate it, just don’t know what real loneliness.
The final night, I told her she needed to leave because I was getting aroused but she ignored it. I tried to leave but she grabbed me… and I didn’t resist. She was a lot, lot older than I was, but her hair was so beautiful and she looked so cute. Suddenly she was teasing me. I told her to stop… but in reality I didn’t want her to stop. Eventually I realized that I wanted to kiss her… but I also knew that if I kissed her it would probably progress to sex… yet despite that suddenly I kissed her (my first kiss)… and suddenly my mind was reeling and she was touching me in ways I had never imagined. It went pretty far and would have gone farther if she had not been having her period… but she pleased me in other ways.
Since then, we haven’t done anything and just act as friends… but I’m torn to shreds inside. I don’t know what I’m living for. I know God forgives, but I don’t like living knowing that I’ve committed a sin God considers worthy of death. To be forgiven for that, makes me immensely grateful, but I still don’t know where to go from here.
(USA) Find a young woman. This woman doesn’t love you. The BIGGEST way you can help this man is to stay away from his family. She will destroy her own family. Don’t help her.
(CANADA) Hi everyone, Well needless to say, I also have committed adultery. When I did this me and my husband were split up and I was seeing someone. He told the guy I was seeing to come stay over so now 6 months later and he asked me 2 months ago if I slept with him and I could only be honest and tell him
the truth.
Now he says he can never trust me. I’m so upset at myself for the last 2 months, I can’t sleep or eat. I’m hoping God can hear my prayers and bring my husband back to me and forgive me. I know I will not leave his side again no matter what; I love him to death.
(UNITED STATES) I’m still going through this with my husband and lover of 16 years who has had a few relationships on me since and before we were married. I’m just so tired of these sleepless nights, tiresome days and silent afternoons. We have become bored by one another and I’m not even sexually attracted to him at times. It’s like I have to push myself to feel good during this act. You know camera, roll, action… yea, that’s how I feel. He hurts me to the core.
He messed with a friend of mine for 10 years right under my nose. I trusted them so much that I didn’t believe it even when I caught them in my bed… Pray for my strength… I need GOD… Or I’m going to hurt someone…
(CANADA) My wife and I are Christians and I’ve commited adultery against her. I’ve confessed this to her and I thought she forgave me, or so I thought. Now she is bitter, bringing up the affairs, letting the sun go down on her wrath. Its been exactly 2 yrs now since I’ve confessed. She’s always angry with me, name calling and even physically abusive to me.
We’ve agreed to get counseliing but she refuses to continue with it. She wants a divorce and has put me out of our home. I’ve tried all that I can with the leading of God’s Holy Spirit. With what I know I was to be obedient, concerning her requests and things she expected of me. But some things I didn’t do based on a very controlling spirit that’s at work within her.
Many times I wanted to pray with her, have Bible studies and attend church together. She would start and give up so quickly, like in a month or so. There were things she wanted me to do while living with her that I didn’t do because it was from a spirit of bossiness and CONTROL, with words and put downs that I wouldn’t even repeat.
With that being said, I believe what the word of God says that we “wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers of darkness.” But with the physical abuse, the bringing up of the adultery all the time and even telling our children over and over that I’m this and that, to the point they are turning against me and are also learning the opposite of what Jesus taught us to do in spite of the sin committed against one another (forgive), this is not really showing she has forgiven me.
I really feel hurt for her and the harm she’s doing to herself with unforgiveness and her choice of words and actions also in the sight of the children. I see and hear the frustraition in her, and although she tries to cover it up with a form of godliness… it’s not very genuine and not very authentic in her attempts.
I’ve learned to cling closer to God through Jesus like I’ve never had or known, so I would say that this situation has turned around for my good in spite of what I’ve done and has made me wiser, stronger, fullfilling my goals and dreams in spite of it all. It’s almost like saying that I’m glad I’m going through what I’m going through because of the joy and peace it’s given me. I’ve come to know the only way I can find the Lord’s grace and healing is to just surrender my all, which I have done and will continue to do.
She has made it very clear that she wants nothing to do with me and that she can’t wait to find a real man. She says that once a cheater always a cheater. I really feel she has fallen into a stage of religion and not relationship with Jesus and this is devastating to see. I refuse to initiate divorce because I know God is able to make it work. But I also know God has given us the free will to make decisions and I can’t force her to stay with me.
So what if she wants to get a divorce, which she has all the right to, if she wishes because of my adultery? Is this ok with God on her part?? What if I want to remarry if (she) chooses to divorce me? Can I? And may I add, not anytime soon; just curious.
Craig, This is definitely a tough situation on so many levels. I highly encourage you to go into the Links part of this topic and go through the various web sites, which deal with infidelity. See what you can glean, so you can learn and apply what you learn to your situation. There are two ministries, in particular, which come to mind to have you contact to help you work through the issues you and your wife are dealing with. They’re both located in Canada (although they may not be located close to where you live, but that’s ok… they aren’t restricted to geographical locations).
One is Beyond Affairs, which is run by Anne and Brian Bercht. Brian had an affair and it devastated their marriage. They have since, processed through the most difficult parts of what happened and since, Anne wrote a book titled, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. It’s a good book –one that explains a lot of the painful process. I believe Anne and Brian can help you. They have video seminars and such, which you and your wife can plug into (if she will, and even if she won’t, you can), so you can ask questions and they can guide you in a more personal way.
Another great book is titled, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, written by Mona and Gary Shriver. It’s a very helpful book in better working through the devastation, which infidelity shoves into a marriage. I recommend Anne’s book, Mona’s book and others we list in this topic. I believe they will help you –even if your wife isn’t open to reading them and working through all of this, together with you. Your faithfulness in dealing with the sin and devastation, could be helpful to you –and possibly help in the restoration of your marriage as your wife sees you trying OVER TIME. This will take more time, obviously. If you file for divorce (you’re wise in not doing so) and if you seem to “move on” at this point, you will be sending a negative message to your wife and your children that you aren’t as faithful as you claim –perseverance in faithfulness over time is key. I’m so sorry your children are being dragged into this. They shouldn’t be… so, so sad.
The other ministry I encourage you to contact is the ministry of Focus on the Family — Canada. I LOVE that ministry –particularly, the Canadian one. They can answer spiritual questions, which Anne and Brian may not be able to answer. I know Anne and Brian are religious, but I’m not sure they are Christians. They can help in certain ways, but Focus on the Family can help in the spiritual, definitely.
Stay faithful; don’t even start to think about remarriage –for your wife or you. If you start allowing your thoughts to go in that direction, it could sidetrack the mission in front of you. Your main mission, right now, is to live a faithful life and do what you can to bring healing despite the pain you caused. Keep your focus on being a man who is showing that you are no longer unfaithful.
And don’t allow physical abuse, from your wife. When it looks like it is going in that direction, find ways to remove yourself from the room until things settle down. The subject can be revisited (and you can assure your wife of that) when she’s ready to do it non-violently and disrespectfully. Your wife is allowing her rage over all of this to poison her emotions, actions, and her very being. Do what you can to protect her from herself. Be a hero here. You weren’t before, but you can be now. And whatever you do, don’t tell your wife that you’re “glad” for what you went through. I know what you mean. I understand it. But she won’t. Her thinking process right now wouldn’t allow it. Live it, but don’t tell her that. It will send her head spinning. The ministries I pointed you to can help you figure out how to do what you need to do. I pray for you and your wife –that the peace of God will somehow prevail and reconciliation will be possible –especially for the sake of your children.
(USA) “My Husband’s Affair Became The Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me.” And therein is the biggest lie perpetuated in the church today.
(USA) Two years. Wow. It’s been THAT long and she’s not over it yet? How inconvenient for you, Craig.
(ISRAEL) Could you please tell me if you ever saw again, talked to, saw her around where you were or sent an email or a text message, or think often of the woman, with whom you committed adultery?
(USA) Like all my brothers and sisters before me, I too am a sinner. And adultery is my sin. Before I married my wife, I cheated on her with many women, and some men too. I was out to get what I could, pleasure was what I lived for. I masturbated to all kinds of porn. I looked up people on craigslist to hook up with. I even seduced 2 married women into my bed. One of them I worked with, and the affair continued for over a year. I would leave the house of my fiance at the time, and meet up with this married woman on the beach, her friends apartment, wherever I could to get my pleasure fix.
Then I married my wife and resolved to be good, but I was not reliant on God, and I fell again. The woman had a child by me, but her husband thinks it is his. My wife almost found out several times, but I lied furiously to cover it up, ashamed at what I had done. Then I moved with my wife far away, and resolved to be good again. But I was not reliant on God, and I continued contact with the married woman, exchanges vows of intimacy and romance with her. I even found men on craigslist to have sex with in the new place I have moved.
However, I have come to know God even more so, than I did then, to rely on Him for the strength to overcome this and be a good husband to my wife. My wife never suffered from my adulteries. It was more like I simply needed to release my pent up sexual frustrations.
Now though, I feel like I should confess to her, to become blameless in the eyes of man, Satan, and God. But it’s so hard. I’m so scared. I don’t want to lose my wife. She is the greatest thing to ever happen to me besides devoting my life to God again. I need help. Pray for me, all of you. In Jesus Christ’s name, Amen.