I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?
The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough —family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep.
Falling Away From Faithfulness
Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.
But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.
Answering Questions After Adultery
After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours —and I mean all hours —with answers to her questions. We talked and I explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.
“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. Yes, I had sinned, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.
I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?
Suspicious Questioning
After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.
Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, I figured if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.
Why God?
So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me —here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.
As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me. I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.
God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?
God’s Revelation
Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”
Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.
Staying Committed After Adultery
Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The main thing I needed to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.
This article comes from the book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, written by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend it highly enough! Mona and Gary have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help! You will read about the Shriver’s journey to healing in this book.
You can reach the authors Gary and Mona Shriver, at Hopeandhealing.us.
(PHILIPPINES) Sibo, I think we are on the same side of the road. The only difference is that I can’t say I want to move on and leave him. Though he kept telling me that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, that he is not going to marry that girl if I didn’t forgive him. He even told me that the only home for him is me. I really love him; I think I couldn’t see what is the right thing to do.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hey Lou, this is the most difficult and very lonely journey one finds themseves in. Each day is a miracle, trust is very difficult to impossible; I believe that the fact that we’re still here is something to hold on to. If I could give advice, I’d say don’t be quick to make any decisions, pray, observe and pray some more. This is the hardest thing I’ve been through yet, but God is here every step of the way, I will keep you in my prayers.
(USA) I am also struggling with infidelity in my marriage. We have been married for 12 years and have two boys. I haven’t cheated on my husband in 6 years now. Earlier this year, I opened an e-mail that confirmed he also cheated on me a year ago. We talked about it and he said he was still hurt and he did it for revenge. He said that he was in deep but realized that he had bigger responsibilities and a duty to take care of the boys and I, so he ended the affair.
Just a couple of weeks ago we were being open and I confessed to him that I had an affair with one of his close friends. I feel so low, dirty, and ashamed. I never wanted to hurt him in any way and never intended for the relationship with his friend to happen. He is now asking me to be open with him and tell him what happened, but I can’t…I feel too ashamed to tell him. He wants details because they were friends for years.
I love my husband and I don’t like to see him in pain. I need help ti figure out how to talk to him and open up about my cheating. I am a Christian, but I am struggling. I read my Bible, I pray and ask for forgiveness and understanding. I just need someone to help me and shine some light on things.
(USA) I am different in practice from many on here but the same or worse when it comes to intentions of the heart. I have been unfaithful to my wife of 14 years several times and although I know it is a sin, I have a very tough time feeling genuine remorse. When we met, dated then later married, I was quite attracted to her and our sex life was good. She gained a great deal of weight after a couple of years of marriage and a child, and she never has lost it. In all honesty, I am physically repulsed by her and do not want to even try to have sex with her. We have had sex one time in 2012, and maybe half dozen times in 2011. She is obese and despite many discussions about the subject, she has never exhibited any real desire to lose the weight. I don’t know what to do – I just keep existing in misery and wishing something would happen to help me get out of this miserable marriage.
(UNITED STATES) Reading all of these posts has me sick to my stomach. What is wrong with our society? What is wrong with everyone? STOP BEING SO SELFISH and GREEDY. I am a Christian (former Catholic). Church was a ritual as a child, but I became a Christian after my divorce. I had major guilt about my divorce. My husband claimed he didn’t love me and never knew what love meant. I thought he was gay, so I started to have an affair. I really thought it was my time to be with someone who was the only one I ever truly was in love with. He was married too. It was a whirlwind. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and was obsessed with the notion that we could finally be together after having been with him when I dated him when were younger. We were single back then. We had so much history that I thought (and fantasized that this was fate). He got divorced and then we started dating out in the open. We lied to everyone about the truth. However, here’s the kicker. He had cheated on his wife of 9 years for the last 4 years of their marriage (with me and possibly 4 or more women). He continued to date others while he was dating me, however, he stated so often that he was so in love with me, that I was completely faithful. I could’ve dated others, but I couldn’t, it wasn’t in me to have more than one person at a time. I felt that I did wrong with having the affair with him in the first place and cried every single Sunday I went to Church. I would weep to the point of exhaustion over all of it – my ex husband and my new boyfriend. We were adulterers together.
This is a recipe for disaster – I repeat, this is a recipe for DISASTER. We ended up moving in together and have been together 9 years ourselves. He finally proposed to me 3 yrs ago, but we have not set a wedding date and the issue of actual marriage is repelling to him. Him claiming that we have too many issues that are a problem. Each day he’s another person. Why? Because, he has been having multiple affairs (I guess it can be called an affair that if we are engaged to be married – I don’t know) for pretty much the entire time we’ve been together. I had 2 flings which I confessed to him, but I had to. I had them just to try to be in his shoes. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sickness, hatred of myself, and shame. I thought, I can’t do this. I am a terrible liar and it shows. I had these for only a month or two on each. But my boyfriend/partner was having an outside relationship with a gal much younger than he is (16 years younger). She has been waiting for him ever since. To this day as a matter of fact. I know everything he does behind my back. My flings were 5 years ago and I haven’t done anything since. I pray and beg God to have his wrath upon him (which I confess is not right), and prayed for forgiveness of my sins again and again. I feel that God had revealed to me over and over about his infidelity so that I don’t marry this man. I would confront him and would receive the classic defensiveness to the point of all out arguments. I would tell him my proof, and he denied and continues to deny everything. He, mind you, was a major Christian when he was married.
I’ve tried to get us back to God, and he backslides all the time. I realize that the moment we come together in Christ, the enemy gets jealous and causes a problem almost instantaneously. It’s amazing when you step back and watch the battle of God vs. Satan. I pray that God will protect our home on a daily basis. I stopped praying for him, because I feel he has to help himself and when I pray, I feel it’s more about getting him therapy for his inability to be faithful. His parents were not faithful to each other, so it seems to be a pattern. He has a cheating sickness, an obessession. He is a narcissist and a masterful liar. God and the word has shown me that God moves people in position to run to him when they suffer. I get it. However, I’m not happy with it. Unfaithfulness on any level is plain and simple greed. I continue to look the other way, deciding to give it to God to handle because I am too weak to battle this any longer. Were it not for us living together with our mutual children, I would have left a long time ago. Make no mistake, living with someone does not guarantee faithfullness, and as I am reading, marriage doesn’t either. I feel happy that I have made the pact with God that I would not cheat on my partner, however, it’s a lonely place when everyone else does this. At least, I don’t have the shame. I do have the sadness, loneliness, daily shock, and I guess the best thing is when the pain comes, stop whereever you are and PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY TO THE LORD JESUS CHRIST TO BIND THE ENEMY AND CAST HIM OUT. PRAY AND PRAY TO THE LORD TO WRAP HIS CLOAK OF LOVE AND PROTECT YOU FROM THE ENEMY AND PROVIDE YOU PEACE WITH HIS LOVE. PRAY THAT THE LORD WILL carve a path of where He needs you to go. God gives signs that can only be attributed to HIM. It’s amazing.
To the VICTIMS, I pray for you as I pray for my own self to leave if the situation is in an epidemic proportion. God hates divorce but he would not allow us to be abused. To the OFFENDING PERSONS, pray for your own salvation. PRAY for the ability to RESIST TEMPTATION, you WILL be a better person for it. Ask for FORGIVENESS FROM YOUR SPOUSE, and MEAN it and walk in the WORD. Walk the walk, not talk the talk. It’s embarrasing, shallow and can be seen through like glass – KNOW THAT! Step outside yourself and look at your situation (it’s a disgusting view with an objective eye) and HAVE COMPASSSION TO YOUR SPOUSE WHO STILL LOVES YOU. SHOW THEM DAILY your transparency and be HONEST EVEN IF IT MAKES YOU ANGRY to tell them where you are. YOU ARE ON A ROAD TO REBUILD TRUST. YOU HAVE BREACHED IT and do not automatically get a get out of jail free card. You have to EARN TRUST. ONLY THEN, will your spouse SEE it and FEEL it. If you are not genuine, it will be felt immediately. STOP ALL COMMUNICATION with the affair no matter WHAT. God WILL REWARD YOU WITH AMAZING BLESSINGS WHEN YOU SHOW HIM your stamina. Get out of the pit you’ve created and STOP. I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH: Cut off ALL TIES with the person you are cheating with and put that same energy into your wife or husband. You will be rewarded. PRAY and PRAY. Please. I pray for us all.
(ZIMBABWE) Reading through all these posts made me realise that I am not alone, that there are many couples going through this painful thing called adultery. I have been married for 22 years and have three kids. My husband has always been the playboy type. During the first years, I would come across hints and stuff that he was cheating, but never would he own up.
In 2002, I discovered that he had started yet another affair with a single lady, slightly younger than me. At that time I was expecting our third child, and due to the stress his affair caused me, I miscarried. I was so hurt, cried by myself and thought of leaving him. But for the sake of my children, I decided to stay.
However, I became very good friends with a colleague, whom I would pour out my heart to. He gave me a shoulder to cry on and eventually, we started an affair that would last for more than 4 years. And so the games began. My husband’s mistress had a child, and even though by now the affair had come into the open -my husband still denied it. The lady was so bent on destroying me and taking my place in our marriage but I hung on.
After four years of having this adulterous relationship with a man who was also married, I decided to end the affair, simply because I no longer had it in me to continue. I confessed to my husband. He was really hurt but we decided to patch things up. Prayer and the Bible became my best friend. My marriage was restored again, though we could never trust each other. Luckily for me, my husband’s mistress decided she had had it, met someone new and dumped my husband. She is now married to someone else.
I went on to have another child (3rd) with my husband and thought that all our problems were now a thing of the past. We had a few years of marriage bliss. Sadly, last year, 2011 my husband started to have affairs again, with different women, going out and staying out till the wee hours of the morning. No matter how I prayed, he didn’t change. I lapsed and stopped praying and going to church. And because I had put my Saviour on the side, Satan came along and I met this dashing handsome executive, younger than me but who makes my heart melt. He is newly married and yet to have children. I love this new guy with all my heart but at the same time, my children have also grown and can’t think of divorcing my husband now. Whether he still has his affairs or not, honestly I don’t know because I simply stopped caring.
It has been a year now with my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do or how to stop it. I don’t blame anyone for the predicament I am in but dear brothers and sisters, I am suffering. Suffering because I am in love with someone I can never have, because I don’t want to cause pain to my children and because I still care for my husband, the father of my children. And I know that in the eyes of the Lord, no good will ever come out of this. Even though he has hurt me before, I don’t want my husband to think I am retaliating. It was never the case and even now it isn’t.
(USA) I am “a horrible man”. With that start, I need to expand on what makes me horrible. I have a wife and 2 wonderful children, a house in a beautiful area, and a job that pays the bills and then some. A life many dream of. My wife and I had been married 16 years when something happened.
My wife had been having some medical difficulties; hysterectomy, gall bladder removal, further complications from endometriosis, and ultimately knee trouble needing 2 surgeries to date. All of this was over a 7 year period. Add to that her mother had double mastectomy surgery. I was always there for her and tried to support her in any way I could think of and then some. After the first knee surgery, it was revealed that the doctor did not do what he should have done and took out too much cartilage; limiting her athletic activity to low impact activity. She started to fall into depression… very understandably.
In efforts to try to get her out of the spiral, I tried to do family activities that she could do; that the doctors even suggested that she do. Biking, light walks, bowling, swimming, etc. All efforts were turned away, sometimes very forcibly and loudly. Being a stay at home mom and homeschool teacher, in my opinion, both helped and hurt. It gave her something to focus on, but it also gave her something to focus her frustration on. There was never anything physical, but I would come home from work hearing her chewing out one or both of the kids for something; sometimes justified, often not even close to being justified. I would try to insert myself to deflect her from them to me. I would find myself being the martyr for the kids; covering up things they did which would set her off, taking blame for some things I did not do. Eventually I found myself lashing out to others too. It was not me and not the way it should be.
When I would talk to her about it, she made me feel like it was my fault. When I tried to talk about how I felt about something about her or about how I think, she would get mad at me for even bringing it up. She pushed away anything I suggested that might have made her feel better about herself. She refused to accept that I came to a point where I needed to change the way we reacted to each other.
One day I scheduled time with her to air this all out. I was fed up being a martyr, not being able to talk to her openly about anything …like we used to. I basically said that I felt that we had come to a point where we needed help or we would be over. Her reaction was that I was a “bad Christian” and that she would take the kids away and get me for everything I have and that counselors are a waste of time and money (I had suggested counseling as I was at the end of my rope).
During this time I had a meeting at work with a representative from our client (we’ll call her The Other). We had met before in other meetings where I found her to be absolutely beautiful but stopped myself from doing anything because I was a married man. We struck up a good conversation after the meeting and went to lunch. We opened up to each other and found similarities in our situations. She had recently left her husband of 17 years because he would not hear her; talked down to her, emotional abuse…everything echoed my situation.
We would talk for hours on the phone, have lunches, and trade emails. It got really personal and I found a vent for my own frustrations. She filled a hole that I had in my marriage. We got together for dinner one night while my wife and kids went out of town and it became more than emotional. It was physical. It was physical for about 4 months. We would talk/email every day. At this time I was withdrawing from my wife. The Other started to say that she did not want to be the reason for me to split and we both agreed to cut the physical out of the equation, but the emotional was still there.
About a month after this agreement, The Other told me she had a date with someone she had a crush on at work to which I said great. Then she said that he was living with his girlfriend –a girlfriend of 5 years. I was dumbfounded. In our talks, she said she hated being the other …but that was what she was doing with this other guy. This continued for several months. She was maintaining an emotional affair with me while having a physical affair with the other guy. This really messed me up. All along I was asking God to point me in the right direction and to make that direction clear. This was the clear direction –The Other was not the way.
My wife, seeing that I was getting more and more distant, started realizing that something was coming to a breaking point. I had consulted a lawyer who basically said that since she was a stay at home mom, I better be prepared to get screwed if separating was going to happen. I so wanted to be with The Other that I was still trying to find a way out to be with her …even when she was, in her words, having a “casual” relationship with the other guy. About this time my wife finally told me that, after long thought, that she would finally call the personal trainer that I had found for her to help her strengthen her body to be able to do things again. This is when I heard God tell me that He was there and that I needed to be patient. He also had my cousin say these words to me (I had confided to my cousin all of this) –“What does that say about The Other’s character?”
That is when I stopped reaching out to The Other. It has been over a month since I reached out to her. I still find myself wanting to talk to her, and I miss the talks we used to have and the physical part. When those feelings come, I remember God’s words and the statement about character. It is really tough though. I have not told The Other that I am not calling or talking anymore. I am going with the die on the vine approach. I don’t like this approach as I think it’s not fair and it’s not respecting her. But then I think that she’s not respecting the others that she’s impacting by her actions so I feel just a little justified. God is also not laying it on my heart to contact her to discuss it. I will defer to His direction.
My wife knows nothing about the PA or EA. I’ve determined that this is my cross to bear, and mine alone. I’ve resolved the issue with God and I feel his forgiveness and grace on me. My wife’s mood and outlook has improved through the personal trainer and frankly she does not need to know. This is a dead issue to me –except when the feelings come back when my wife says something down to me. I am cautiously optimistic about our marriage, but I am also not going to let it slip back to where it once was.
What I did was horrible and will always be a black dot on my timeline. But I am amazed as to how I still have these feelings for The Other. They just don’t seem to disappear. I’m really not a horrible person. But my actions over the past year say otherwise. I’m fixing that. Please pray for me…
(USA) God says you have to tell your wife everything before there is true repentance/forgiveness with anyone. If you are one flesh with your wife and God says that you are, how do you keep such secrets from your own flesh? Do not let the devil tell you otherwise. Prayers for you.
(USA) I have thought of you and what you’ve shared here all day and I’m praying. What if your wife was holding all of that from you? How would you feel and would you expect to hear the truth? You say you’ll defer to God’s direction but He will never NEVER do anything that goes against His Word and He says you must confess to her.
If you are hearing anything else, it is not from God. No one likes consequences and who do we think Jesus is speaking to when he says “depart from me ye workers of iniquity, I never knew you”? That’s not written to the Lost world, they aren’t reading it. It’s written to anyone that has believe the devil’s no-consequence religion over God’s direct orders. Not suggestions, direct orders.
Neither you nor your wife are free. You are subject to all the devil has because of lies. Don’t forget how subtle he can be and he is a liar and deceiver. “All liars will have their part in the lake of fire.” God says any holding that within in their hearts are not of Him and cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.
I really will be praying for you. I pray if God’s simple Words do not impact you that a counselor will. May seem like smooth sailing for now but His Word says “our sins will find us out” and “the truth shall make us free”. Your wife will eventually find out -God says that. Continued prayers.
(EA) Hi Patience, Please ask your husband out to dinner & let him know that you’re sorry from the bottom of your heart.
Tell him that you had weaknesses & you did not do it on purpose to hurt him. Assure him that you love him & that you’ve been crying because of this sin.
Ask for room in his heart to get forgiveness…he loves you so even if he takes long to forgive, just gently talk to him without ceasing till when you’re back together.
Get ready to pay for the distance you caused because of this sin. Go for a health check up & let him know about the results if you’ve seen the doctor.
Make sure you’re calm & humble because Proverbs 25:11 says “A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.”
All the best.
(UNITED STATES) Hello Everyone, I am a believer of Christ. I’ve been in a marriage for 21 years. I had an affair on my husbance about 5 yrs into the marriage because I was lonely. I felt that my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed. I’m not justiying my behavior, I realize that I sinned against God and my husband. I was sitting at my desk and the Lord spoke to me and told me that I was committing adultery. I said Lord I haven’t slept with this man. The Lord then told me that it was in my heart. The Lord then proceeded to tell me to call the guy and tell him I couldn’t talk to him anymore. I said okay Lord, but it’s going to be hard for me to see him everyday and not want to talk to him.
I was obedient to the voice of the Lord and ended it. My husband found out because I confessed it. He was angry and he proceeded to start having affair after affair. He left me twice and each time came back home. I have been hurting off and on for the last 10 years.
I started talking to another man and I committed physical adultery with him. I was so bitter at the time, I didn’t care. I moved away from my husband this time I left and I haven’t returned back to him. My affair is over and I still had to endure a lot of pain and guilt because of what I had done. I thought getting even would make me feel better but actually the opposite happen, I felt more miserable. I have been out of the affair for 2 yrs but I still feel, guilty, empty and confused.
I filed for a divorce 4 years ago and we were one month of it being complete and he told me he didn’t want a divorce, so I called my lawyer and dissolved the divorce. I just wanted to end my private pain. My husband has been asking me to go out with him to dinner, movies and spend time with him. It is so hard for me. We still have come together for sexual purposes. I don’t want to be out of the will of God so I will sleep with my husband.
We both realize that we love each other and want the marriage. I ask that you all pray for us as we commit to God and work toward repairing our marriage. I know it’s not going to be easy but I know it will be rewarding.
L, I’m so glad that you both have come to the realization that you can rebuild your marriage. That’s great! I’m excited for both of you. I want to encourage you though, to find a pro-marriage counselor that can help you to deal with what you both have done to each other and against each other for the last 10 years. It’s like cleaning off a wound before it heals so nothing underneath will fester and rise to the surface and cause more problems.
Also, there is a lot of horrible behavior that went on as far as being unfaithful to each other. I don’t know your husband’s reasoning for the affairs, but for some reason you found ways to justify it in your mind and actions for a long time that because you were hurting and lonely, sinful behavior was acceptable. It’s not and I’m sure you now realize that, but you need to put some things in place so you and your husband don’t fall back as easily into those harmful patterns again. You need to put up some protective relationship hedges and boundaries. We have several articles posted on our web site that can help you with that aspect of your reconciliation. NOW is the time to figure out what you both will agree to do for future scenarios. You can count on the fact that there WILL be future temptations. It’s best to be pro-active now in guarding against going down the wrong roads, rather than trying to patch things up after one of you falls.
And then, we have a lot of articles posted on this web site, which you both can glean through, discuss, and figure out what will work for you both in rebuilding your marriage on a firm foundations, rather than the shaky one of the past. I hope you will take advantage of communication tools and advice that others, who have built great marriages, have written, and offered up to help couples such as you and your husband. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)
(UNITED STATES) I know this is an old entry. Just came to this site today. I too have committed infidelity. It happened sixteen years ago when I worked a part-time job and began slowly developing a relationship with my boss. As Christians, we must be sober-minded, on the alert, and guarding our hearts for it is the well-spring of life.
To this very day I still feel guilty, even though I have repented of this sin. Believe me, if you do not repent, God will come after you with a “Holy Sledgehammer” and will punish you thoroughly. We are to fear God in the sense that any sin will cause us to invite His faithful wrath upon us. Yes He loves us. He will come after you to pull you out of the darkness because of His fierce Love. I know, because God had to strongly chastise me after I cheated on my husband. Like King David prayed in Psalm 51 – “Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit within me,” so ought we pray the very same thing, and mean it from our heart!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Anyone who stays with a person that has cheated on them, lied to them, says sorry, and then does it again, is wasting their time. Like a dog returning to his vomit… And to say that you are staying “for the sake of the kids”… That is another lie… There are spiritual, emotional and psychological consequences for those kids, that will affect them for life -living in a home where there is no real respect and love.
I would have rather that my parents had divorced than had to live through 20 years of back-biting viciousness, and using us kids as the blackmailing tool… Be real. Be true. And live lives that ARE what they SEEM to be. Before GOD and man.
(USA) I am a 28 year old woman who has been married for just about 3 years now to my wonderful husband. We are madly and deeply in love with each other and have been from the moment we met. Our marriage has been pretty rocky here and there since we started dating (5 years total) but has been the worst ever within the last 6 months.
About two months ago my husband and I had a night out, drinking with another couple that we know. We ended up involving ourselves sexually with them that night. The situation happened so fast and though I realize that blaming it on the alcohol consumed is not at all justifiable, it definitely hindered our decision making at the time. The weeks following that night were a bit strange for us because we weren’t 100% comfortable with what happened but everyday became easier to cope with. Though we are coping with what happened at the same time.
I find that it has been a little harder on him, resulting in negative comments and actions from his part. A few nights ago I hung out with this same other couple WITHOUT my husband being present. We had some drinks and ended up engaging in more sexual acts (the three of us). I was again under the influence but knew that what we could potentionally get into would be wrong but somehow ended up being persuaded once again.
I feel so horrible now. I love my husband more than life itself and I hate myself for doing this to him and to our relationship. :( We don’t have any kids together yet but we were hoping to start our family soon. I’m afraid now that if I tell him what happened that he will not trust me ever again or that he will want to leave me for good. If I don’t tell him then I have to live with this guilt and shame forever. But I will do whatever I can to be the best and most rewarding wife that could possibly be. It was only a one night thing as opposed to a full on relationship with someone else so I don’t know if it’d be worth it to even mention it to him and break his heart. Any advice???
(USA) You should tell your husband. He promoted swinging and now you are finding joy in it. The problem is that open marriages almost always end in divorce. I encourage you and your husband to adopt a “sexual exclusivity” agreement, meaning that you will only have sex with each other and no other people. I also encourage you to read His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr Bill Harley.
Furthermore if you want to save your marriage and have a family you should both have no contact with this other couple for the rest of your lives. If you need help establishing boundaries visit the marriage builders forum at marriagebuilders.com.
Cristina, I’m not sure what additional advice you want. You and your husband both allowed yourselves to go down a very destructive path –whether the initial idea came from him or from you –you both went there. Cheating begets cheating and sets off a whole set of troubles, such as you would never had known if you hadn’t given into this type of behavior. If you don’t stop, back up as best you can, and “flee” (as the Bible says to do) whatever future temptation in which you find yourself, there will be worse and worse consequences that you will eventually face.
As far as telling your husband about this “one night thing”, please know that if you don’t, you leave yourself at the mercy of him hearing it from someone else. This other couple does not appear to be safe. If they would cheat like this, don’t put it past them that they will tell all, to your husband and others. You can spin this into thinking that it isn’t as bad because it wasn’t a “full on relationship with someone else” but it’s still cheating and it’s still wrong. You know that or you wouldn’t be questioning and asking for advice.
There’s no doubt that your marriage is in peril. How I wish I could say otherwise. I hope that you will very prayerfully consider what you did in the past –what led you to do what you did (not pointing fingers at others, but instead looking at your own actions) and will stop this destructive behavior from ever happening again in the future or else your marriage won’t have a chance of surviving. This is not the type of actions that lead to a healthy marriage relationship –especially one that you want to bring kids into. If you can BOTH, as a couple, vow to change your actions in the present and future and stick to it… and even ask the Lord to help you to keep your vows sacred, perhaps your future can look brighter. I hope so. I pray so.
Somehow I sense that you’re a really nice person, but that you’ve allowed yourself to do that which you know you shouldn’t. I hope you don’t go there again in the future and will raise your standards of conduct, otherwise, you will live with more and more regrets and consequences. And that is sad… truly sad and unnecessary. You were born to do better than this. Please know that. I’m not pointing fingers, but am giving you sisterly advice. I hope you receive it as such.
(USA) Well hello everyone, yes my husband of 30 years cheated on me and the part that really hurts is I had to find out the hard way. A police woman said my husband and I had to go to court and the two names were on the paper. I asked my husband, do you know these names? He said no. We got to court and it was a husband and wife ending their marriage and the husband had pictures of his wife and my husband. My husband gave her money for clothing.
I was so hurt. All I could do is hold my head up. After we left court he tried to explain but I am too hurt. Oh by the way, he is one of the ministers in the church. We’re well known in the community. I have been so sick I can’t pray like I should. My first reaction is to kill him but if I do they would say I have PTSD cause I was in the army for 20 years. I really need pray right now.
(USA) You need to expose this affair immediately. Far and wide. Thank God the other woman’s husband held your cheating husband accountable and forced him to drag his cheating self to court.
Also get STD testing ASAP. Visit marriagebuilders.com and click on forum upper right hand corners for help.
(USA) Thank you so much for the information we can’t sleep in the same bed right now. I get so sick that I vomit. But with God’s help maybe I can get past this. It’s working on my health. I lost 50 pounds in about a month without trying to. I remember God’s work. He who is without sin cast the first stone. For me, my hands are full of stones. But I believe God’s words so I haven’t thrown them yet but I haven’t let them go of them yet. So just looking for God in all of this. Please pray for my strength. Thanks.
(USA) Renee, Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair
warns that women can develop Post Traumatic Stress disorder from a cheating husband. He encourages betrayed spouses to visit their doctor for antidepressant medication.
Also you need to act to protect yourself and kill these affairs. Your husband should be out on the street. You need to set clear standards that he must agree to as a condition to remaining married. Otherwise you will just have to accept his promises and empty words and live in an open marriage. You need to visit the forum at marriagebuilders.com for help.
(USA) Took your advice. My husband refused to go to the doctor or even see anyone about our marriage issues. But I did and thank you so much for telling me to do so. I know God is in all of this but it’s so very hard praying. It seems my mind wanders a lot because my husband doesn’t want to answer any question. I’m learning how to forgive. But I don’t believe I will ever forget and that’s not Godly because he forgave me of my sins.
I just believe that if my husband was not happy, he should be a man and tell me. I think I would have taken it a little bit better. But to see the other woman the way I did was so very, very hurtful that the knife is still stuck in my back. But never the less to GOD BE THE GLORY. Pray my strength in the Lord.
(USA) HDW, Thanks for the advice and the website and book recommendations. I will definitely check them out.
I am not really into the whole open marriage thing or swinging to be quite honest with you. The first time we all did it was a bit confusing for my husband and I. I feel as though I was kind of thrown into the situation and persuaded by my husband and our friends. Of course, I’m not saying that I didn’t participate because I ended up doing so but I think that the only reason why I didn’t try so hard to stop it the second time was BECAUSE I was so confused about it the first time (if that makes any sense).
The only thing that is honestly keeping me from immediately telling my husband is because we have no choice but to see this couple again -they’re a part of our family now, connected through marriage. We will have to see them at family functions and such so I know it will make it hard for my husband every time we see them. I don’t have any feelings for them in that way and I definitely don’t have any desire to ever recreate this in the future with anybody else. My heart and soul belongs to my husband. I just hope that I will make the right choice for the both of us. To tell or not to tell? I don’t know. I’m having a hard time with this.
(USA) Please only rely on what God says.
(USA) That’s it? Does anyone have any personal advice? I would appreciate it.
(USA) Since this is a Christian website, that is the best advice anyone anywhere can give you. But you would have to know what God says so I’ll try. I have been cheated on and it nearly killed my whole family so it’s hard for me to be empathetic with those that make a vow, a promise and then break it. Especially more than once. If any one was justified in seeking warmth or kindness in the arms of another, I was but I didn’t. I keep my word and honor boundaries so to say it all makes me angry would be an understatement.
It’s a modern day Soddom and Gomorrah where everyone does what they please with no regard to right or wrong and as God puts it, it is obedience to Satan. I remember seeing the story of Studio 54 in NYC back in the 70’s. Everything went and one of the celebrities that went there said “it was a literal cesspool of strangers and their lewd acts, flooded with body fluids. No coincidence HIV came onto the scene then.” It’s so gross.
First I can tell you that if a married couple has secrets from each other, they are in a marriage of lies. The consequences may not be pleasant but thta’s what consequences are there for but you have got to tell your husband everything and as someone else said, STOP IT. He may have things to tell you as well so brace yourself.
You guys aren’t kids. If that couple must ever be in your lives, make it as little as possible and since you seem to continue to drink and do things you regret, maybe stop drinking or at least decide that you and your husband will stay home with the doors locked and do not have company.
I feel bad for you and trying to not be so harsh but my world was ripped to shreds by some chick looking for money and my husband that just didn’t care and wanted what felt good in his pants at the moment. Fortunately, he couldn’t perform and she confirms that because we learned in her custody/divorce that she has disease(s) that never go away.
STD testing for you both is definitely in order. Sounds like your Swinger friends may do this with others and you are then having sex with every person they touch. Makes my skin crawl.
For me, intimate parts of my body and fluids are so intimate I could not imagine sharing with anyone but my husband and now that his head is clear, he can’t either. We’re going into 24 years, mid-life crisis, boredom, the job of kids and the usual marital ruts do come along. If you guys are where you’re at already, I shutter to think of what a decade togther will be like but since you are wed, you need to re-commit to the promises you’ve made. That Covenant is the most sacred to God and you’ve betrayed Him first of all.
Not cool. If you are not “saved” I urge you to surrender to Christ. Be sorry and stop doing it then ask for His forgiveness and that of each other. You really need a Godly counselor that can help you establish what marriage really is.
Prayers for all of you. I sincerely mean that. Sex is for marriage only and when you “get it” it’s the most beautiful thing ever. You have let the devil lie to you and take what you two should be enjoying and spread it around. I really pray you get it together and God is a God of forgiveness but you have to do your part.
(UNITED STATES) My perspective is perhaps a bit different. In my marriage it was my wife who strayed. Each time she strayed I forgave her and took her back. The last time she strayed it was with someone who used drugs. He fell asleep while driving and now she is gone and we are left wondering if she was really in the faith or not. I am raising as my own a little girl whom she had from one of her affairs and who doesn’t quite understand where mommy is. I’m telling you this so that maybe one more people will think about those whom he or she could crush by falling into the trap.