I never really thought I was a prime candidate for adultery. I was committed to our marriage, and I didn’t think I was what you would call “high risk.” So how did I get there?
The best description I ever heard was “baby steps.” I let myself get into a position of innocent intimacy with another female. Our conversations were innocent enough —family, friends, and ministry. But one baby step led to another and to another, and before I could turn and run, I was in way too deep.
Falling Away From Faithfulness
Falling was much easier than I’d ever believed possible. And at that point in our marriage, I was angry with Mona for putting me on the back burner of her priorities. I could point to many reasons why I could be angry with her, but the bottom line is that I felt she didn’t want me in any way at all.
But she was my wife. I loved her. I had made a commitment to her before God when we said our marriage vows. “I’m in for life,” I always said. But adultery changed things. When God brought me to that point of brokenness and it was time to get this all out in the open, I felt a sense of commitment that I knew could only come from God. I would use all my strength to convince Mona I was here to stay, and nothing she could do or say would change that. And boy, did I find out that she could do and say plenty! It had to be God’s strength that fashioned in me what I called “armadillo skin.” She used words I had never heard her say before. But I was committed.
Answering Questions After Adultery
After a few months on this plane, I found out what commitment was all about. I had started out with a purposed and diligent attitude. I was there at all hours —and I mean all hours —with answers to her questions. We talked and I explained until I ran out of words. And then I got mad.
“Here we go again”, I thought. I was angry and tired. It wasn’t going like I’d thought it would. I’d figured if I could just get right with God and confess my sin, he would reward me with a healing process. Yes, I had sinned, but I had also obeyed and dealt with the sin honestly—with God and with Mona and with my church.
I had done everything the way I was supposed to, yet the situation just wouldn’t get any better. I had expected a rocky road, but I hadn’t expected the road to get steeper and more treacherous with time. It seemed the more I tried to smooth things over, the angrier Mona got. Her barrage of questions continued to increase, and my anger reached new depths. I had committed the sin, yes, but how much punishment was I supposed to take?
Suspicious Questioning
After a few months, the shock wore off for Mona. I think she honestly wanted to forgive me and keep the marriage going, but as she became convinced of my sincerity, she grew angrier and more demanding. She insisted that I spend every waking moment convincing her I was here for the duration, that I wasn’t going to quit. And I had better answer every question exactly as I had answered that same question the last time and the time before and the time before. Any slight variance in my answer was cause for suspicion. Why had my answer changed? What wasn’t I telling her? What lie had I just been caught in? It was an endless assault.
Is this the life, the wife, I can expect from here on out? Am I to never be more than her whipping boy? It seemed the further we went into the supposed healing process, the further we went from a marriage partnership. I was beginning to lose hope. Quite frankly, I figured if this was the way our lives were going to be, I wasn’t interested.
Why God?
So what’s up with this, God? You brought me through for this? You’ve guided me —here? I’ve been faithful in every way since my confession. So where are you? Where is your mighty healing power? I thought you were on my side.
As I sat there screaming this prayer to God, I began to feel guilty. Who was I? The adulterer! The infidel! Who was I to think I deserved anything better? The issues that had brought Mona and me here were becoming more evident to me. I was beginning to understand why couples didn’t survive infidelity. I was questioning our survival for the first time.
God’s allowance of divorce for adultery was beginning to make sense. The wounds were so deep for both of us. The intense pain pushed me to think about self-preservation and less about “us” preservation. But through all this I knew in my spirit that God wanted us to survive; it was in his will for our marriage to make it. But where are you, God? Where are you now?
God’s Revelation
Then I heard His still, quiet voice say, “I’m right here. And Gary, I’d rather have you right here, angry with Me, than not here with Me at all.”
Those few words spoke volumes to me, that picture of a loving Father wanting His angry son. How gracious He is. My anger didn’t push Him away. Our relationship meant more to Him than how I was behaving at the moment or how I had behaved in the past. His was the ultimate example of commitment.
Staying Committed After Adultery
Within a few short moments, a rush of understanding flooded my mind and heart. Suddenly I saw the parallel of my relationship with God in my relationship with Mona. The agape, self-sacrificial love that God has for me was the only model I could follow to get us through this crisis. It wasn’t going to come from me, but from Him through me. The main thing I needed to do was to stay committed to God, to Mona, and to our marriage recovery. Not in my strength, Lord, but in Yours.
This article comes from the book, UNFAITHFUL… Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity, written by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by Life Journey. This is an absolutely terrific book! We can’t recommend it highly enough! Mona and Gary have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three-year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help! You will read about the Shriver’s journey to healing in this book.
You can reach the authors Gary and Mona Shriver, at Hopeandhealing.us.
(USA) My recent discovery of my wife’s affair is beyond belief. She was having a very sexually involved affair with a married police officer from our town. More unbelievable is that this “officer of the law” has now himself committed crimes of adultery in my state, Massachusetts General Law #272, Section 14, punishable by time in jail, a fine, or both. His being an officer of the law gives him free reign to do as he wishes because when I reported him to both his chief and our town mayor. He denied it all and they believed him. I, however, have a direct confession from my wife of the affair, have their Facebook chats and dialogue saved and printed revealing their erotic talk, their plans of meeting for sex, and talk of how well they satisfied each other.
I am simply at a loss about this, my wife has confessed, we are attending marriage counseling for whatever it’s worth. We have two minor children which we both love dearly and do not wish to have them suffer any consequences of this. The sheer fact that this guy is a MARRIED POLICE OFFICER committing adultery with my wife threw me over the edge and thoughts of suicide are now lingering in my mind and in my emotions.
I am a 22 year Army Veteran with a lot of pride and humility, very undeserving of this event, especially when the man involved with my wife is someone you as a tax payer are paying his salary to protect and defend, be a representative of our community, representative of trust and honor. I want to do whatever I can to make sure he is removed from his job, do whatever I can to earn payback against him for disrupting my marriage and having not a care in the world about the consequenses. Just don’t know where to turn with all this… HELP!!!
(USA) I am praying for you.
(PHILIPPINES) I just want to hear some comments with regards to my situation right now. I went to live with a man when I got separated from my first husband. We lived as husband and wife. I had my first marriage annulled and was planning for a real wedding to bless our union sometime in 2011. In 14 years of our living together, I had several affairs (he was working abroad) while he said he remained faithful to me. He found out about my last “fling” sometime in July of 2011. I admit my mistakes and sinful as I am, confessed everything to a pastor and to my partner. It doesn’t make sense to me to hide anything more if I want to make things right for us this time and make myself acceptable to God.
I was baptized months later and committed myself to God and prayed for restoration. It was not an easy ride for us… at times I just want to give up (feeling of being condemned, angry words from him) and walk away, but then again, I am reminded that I should bear the pain if I want to make it work and plus the fact that I truly love him. He had his shares of struggles but since he became a Christian himself, there are times that he can cope because he said he still loves me, too. We also have a son to live up to. That’s why we are trying to make it work.
But then this Nov 2012, he gave me the shock of my life that he wants to break up with me because he found someone else to love, a Christian also from the church he is attending. He said he fell out of love and it’s the only way to get past the hurt I gave him. I even read in one of his notes that why should he suffer or be miserable from the things he has nothing to do about (my being unfaithful)? We have been in counsel with pastors, included in many prayers and he knows how much I wanted this union to work and God knows it. I always pray for it.
I fasted for days and finally the girl gave way. But my partner hasn’t still changed his mindset. I committed this to God once again that I will endure for the sake of the love I have for him, with the hope that God will make an order in our present situation. I have forgiven him and the girl. But you know, he can’t admit that he hurt me also, and had sinned by concealing the things they did in hiding. He said he did it because it’s a consequence of my sin. Is it really, when in fact he knows I have confessed, I was forgiven, he accepted me and was even wiilling to work out on our union? We are still living under one roof, but rarely speaking about what’s ahead of us. I am trying so hard to bring back what was lost. But I don’t know if he appreciates it.
(USA) I’m in a relationship with a man who had been unfaithful with his first wife, multiple sex partners, and flings. But he assures me that was him before he ever committed to Christ. He tells me it’s all over, he’s totally new, and that man is already dead. Should I believe him?
(USA) What evidence is there of this new man? Is he willing to wait until you are married to have sex? Is his life an open book? Can you see his phone logs, e-mail, etc?
Words are cheap, do his actions align with his words? If not, then I suspect it’s just wishful thinking on his part.
(USA) I left my husband in July of 2012 because he cheated on me. Our situation is so bizarre because this couple at church set him up with this other woman. I had a separation agreement drawn up and he refused to sign it. He has not helped me with our two children and he’s having a child with his mistress. They hooked up with each other in July 2012 and the child is due in April. I am so devastated because they are constantly on Facebook discussing their business, quoting scriptures, going to churches and showing up at my son’s school with his pregnant mistress. I have never seen anything like this in my life. We were married for over 8 years and together for 17. I filed for child support and we go to court for that in March. I just want to know if there is anyone else on this page with a similar situation and how did you handle it? He said he was called to preach but he tore up his license and said he was forced into doing his initial sermon.
(USA) So my wife cheated on me with a 21 year old kid, barely older than my daughter. She’s in her early 40’s. I went to counseling the minute I found out, been in it for 4 months. I’m amazed though, what I’ve seen now is this incredible rush to her side from people who are only too happy to throw her an excuse. It’s a symptom. She didn’t mean to do it. It’s a mistake. Bullsh*t. Seriously, she’s a selfish prick who deserves to be thrown to the street. We went to a marriage counselor who spent 2 hours with us, most of the time listening to her ramble about how she’d like to see if there’s anything to save. Hey, don’t do me any favors, so I cancelled the counseling. She can go to counseling with her boyfriend.
I’m tired of people thinking cheating is somehow excusable. The marriage counselor should have taken the time to push my pain back on her. Make her responsible for my anger, shock, and hurt. At the time, I wanted to make a connection and try, instead he wanted us to “date”. The hell with her, she wants to date little boys. Let her go screw the entire state at this point, I don’t care. But I come across web sites and studies and they all seem to want to make an excuse for cheating, horrible people. Screw that. They’re monsters, they get what they deserve and they deserve nothing.
I will, in time, forgive my soon to be ex wife, but it won’t be until she honestly asks for it, which she may never do. In the meantime I’ll move on with my life, and lick my wounds, then at some point find someone again, who hopefully won’t live in a world of excuses and denial. My advice to anyone in the counseling business is simple, make the cheaters eat their crime before you rush to save them. Give them enough of a smacking that they realize how they became agents of torture and then, and only then, give them the tools to get out of it. Why? Because if you don’t they’ll do it again and again, just like a pedophile.
(UNITED STATES) Hope this http://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/men-there-is-a-david-waiting-for-your-bathsheba/ helps.
(UNITED STATES) I have a website dedicated to helping individuals overcome the maladies of life, including the TEMPTATION to commit ADULTERY. There are many teachings about spiritual warfare. We have found that SPIRITUAL WARFARE is one of the most POWERFUL TOOLS that God gives us to fight adultery.
Please take a moment to look at some of the teachings. HOW SATAN PROVOKES CHRISTIAN MEN TO COMMIT ADULTERY: http://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/why-christian-men-commit-adultery/ -Mountain Streams Healing Center
(SA) My husband and I got divorced after over 30 years of marriage this year. Both born again, in ministry, adult children and grandchildren. I was largely to blame for the break up through not handling my personal funds and finances properly. So no matter what, this was my part and I take ownership. Even though I worked and contributed I just earned too little to do the over and above for us. Debt was high and I am still paying for not being responsible. I do believe God is favouring my committment to come clean and honour each one I owe.
In addition to this, he had a lingering eye, which he always had over our years together. We tried to talk it through and when he had an affair my bad points apparently validated his adulterous relationship. He is now going to marry his mistress and they are very happy together. Initially I was so hurt and it does feel terrible more on some days than others. I know that (without spiritualizing things too much) me taking ownership and him remarrying is God’s way of saying let go and let ME! Though the pain is so excruciating for me and my children, I know he is also in pain. So I am wondering if this then is God’s will as my ex put it -God’s will is for him to be happy and have another chance and a better one at life? Sad
(USA) Hope, you ask if its ‘Gods will for him to be happy and have another chance and a better one at life?’ In answer to that, an emphatic NO! God’s will is never for us to be happy doing our own will. That is the world’s way of happy. God’s way of happy is centered in our living within the Fathers divine will and word. We can never be truly happy outside of His will, yet time and time again I see deceived Christians in the church doing things their way, and sprinkling a scripture or Two, in order to ease their consciences, and continue disobeying Him.
If your husband were truly walking in the spirit, he would have sought the Lord for counsel and help concerning the marriage issues. There is nothing impossible with God. We limit Him when our fleshly lusts get in the way. Please stop condemning yourself. It may be that your husband used your struggles as the means to justify his sin. Your husband has chosen this path. Now you choose the high ground with your Lord, and seek Him daily for the strength and guidance that only He can give. Stay pure and undefiled. Give your children and grandchildren a testimony that can inspire them to live for Christ His way. Lord bless you.
(USA) PULL DOWN THAT DEMONIC STRONGHOLD OF ADULTERY & DIVORCE !!!
http://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/2013/03/16/pull-down-that-demonic-stronghold-of-adultery-divorce/
(USA) LIFE AFTER DIVORCE is a wonderful article written on our ministry sight. It has helped many individuals to regain a sense of understanding, purpose and direction. Along with the teaching you can also find prayers and other teachings no matter what stage of marriage that you find yourself in. Mountain Streams Healing Center http://jackieosinski.wordpress.com/category/marriage/
My prayers to everyone on here who has dealt with the gut-wrenching blow of infidelity/adultery. Whether you were the victim or the culprit… it’s still quite a hurdle to get over. One of the most important things to remember, as a child of the Almighty Living God, we are called to walk in forgiveness. It’s not if you want to, it’s a command! And yes, adultery is heavily laden with all kinds of emotions that leave wounds and scars, but God is a healer! He is a protector! He is our Father!
I’m not speaking from the sidelines. I’m in a marriage (considered a newlywed) and my husband has had multiple affairs, AND abandoned the home. Out of my anger, resentment and pure RAGE… I filed for divorce. But God is a God of RESTORATION and SECOND CHANCES! If we will be still and seek God, listen and obey God… then as the body of Christ, we can turn the statistics around! The Christian divorce rate is ridiculously high and I honestly believe it’s because we aren’t WAITING for God as we should be. As humans, and in this society/culture… we want everything yesterday and we don’t want to sacrifice anything! But if we would earnestly seek God and His direction and instruction, and WAIT for Him to move and guide us… we would experience unfailing, unbelievable, extraordinary blessings.
I encourage you all to continue to seek God, trust God and meditate on His promises (the word of God). I lift you all up in prayer and ask God through His son Jesus, to heal, deliver and set free everyone enslaved in yokes of bondage, temptation and darkness! I pray that the Lord bestows beauty for your ashes, and I urge you to stand on His faithful word. God will restore and make up for the years the locusts have eaten! God Bless all of us, Amen!
So… I’m curious? Did you stay married after you filed for divorce. I hope and pray that you did. A few mistakes can be understood, but blatant habitual infidelity is a problem. I was just curious if it worked out. Sad to hear that you were a newlywed and it was already happening.
I’m currently separated, but I’m the adulterer in our marriage. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to confess my infidelity to my husband. There also is another problem with me. I’m also talking to my ex husband. We haven’t done anything except talk, as he is going through some stuff himself. I’ve repented of my indiscristion and believe God forgave me for it. But I haven’t confessed the infidelity to my spouse. My question is, do I need to confess this to him since I have repented and asked for God’s forgiveness?
First, seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness… God may be trying to get you back to your covenant marriage (first marriage). God designed marriage to be forever, even when infidelity is involved, but you must ask for forgiveness and allow God to change you. God loves you and aches what’s best for you, your souls, and family. Jesus has come that we may have life and that more abundantly.
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39 NIV)
Hurt requires healing requires mercy. Sow help and reap mercy. There was a prisoner who asked to serve in the army. The king seeing his service is convinced of his repentance and forgives him. Ultimately the prisoner is convinced of his own
repentance. Now a free person He paints a picture of him laying down his life in service for the people in his new life. In this picture there is a tombstone in the corner of his former self.The rest of his picture has him serving and loving
people for God. While in the flesh we gave a war. We have to kill lust. Use 50 shades to kill lust. Define happiness as in God. No Goliath is as strong as it seems. Lust has demons. They destroy. So set goals that keep you busy with God.
That is scary but put yourself in his shoes. Is it really repentance if you’re hiding it? You really should cut all ties with your x. He probably sees you’re weak. Be careful because Satan is out to destroy all married Christian couples. I would go to a Christian counselor, for sure.
Lisa, yes you should confess your sins to your husband. It’s better to hear it from you or he finds out by word of mouth. I recently discovered my husband’s affair; she’s married as well. I asked my husband to confess to me his family, and the church. See, in a marriage there’s only room for three, GOD, husband and wife. So it’s up to you as you continue to lie to yourself and other. Infidelity/adultery is a sin. If you love your husband telling him otherwise, I’m sorry to say, sounds like you’re worried he might divorce you.
I exposed my husband to family and a few friends. I’m humiliated and in so much pain I don’t even know if I want too save my marriage because he had a choice. He lied to everyone, including himself. Every marriage has problems but infidelity/adultery hurts everyone. I hope this helps. GOD BLESS.
I went through that situation after someone raped me. I didn’t have a courage to talk, after that an abortion and trying to kill myself because of the confusion. I got the wrong advice and left my first husband as I felt he would never believe me, and then things became worse. I did grow up Catholic but did not get born again and Spirit filled until years later.
My suggestion: go to a Christian counselor and surround yourself with intercessors who know how to use the sword of the Spirit and do warfare. In all of these situations the greatest enemy is fear. See, before he fell the first words spoken by Adam was I hid because I was afraid.” Deal with fear, when led by the Lord to expose what happened to people who can cover you with prayer. Did you have before the incident a transparent relationship? If not, express it to the counselor.
The bricks of trust have to be built up from birth side in agape love and build up trust and uproot fear. Love covers a multitude of sins. Fear not; it may be painful but can be achieved. Surround yourself with caring, full of love, faith people and you will have a testimony as is in the book of Hosea.
I must tell you I was the victim, and the worst part of it was not having children that I love so much. But He will give me my heart’s desire of having an orphanage. Fear not, I will be when you go through the fire and then you walk through the waters I will be there to (Isaiah).
Hi all, I am a Christian; my husband isn’t. We have a three year old son… a child we longed for for 8 years. In 2011 when my son was 8 months old I found out my husband was having an affair with a married woman. It started off as requests for photos of herself in her underwear or with body parts exposed and they had one sexual encounter. I found out after going through his phone and finding the pics.
When he was confronted he said it meant nothing and he never did anything with her. Mind you, I got all of the particulars regarding their relationship from her. Nevertheless, I decided to take him back on Father’s day of 2011 on the belief that we would get counselling to help us work through the issue. It never happened. I felt betrayed. This affected my health and I had several trips to the hospital for anxiety attacks. After one of my many emotional breakdowns in December 2011 my husband packed up and went by his parents. He stayed there from that time to present. All the while his mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we were supposedly trying to work on reconcilliaton via seeing a counsellor.
Throughout the process though my husband seemed comfortable in his present state. He was also taking more of an interest in how he dressed and seemed exceptionally happy. I found out in June of this year that he had been having an affair with a then 27 year old woman from his office that spanned the course of 1 year. I found out through this woman who sent me a note with a confined pregnancy ultrasound at my office.
My husband’s mother died in April of this year and throughout her illness they had been intimate downstairs where he stayed. Money was paid for her to abort the pregnancy… no clue if this is really so. I want no part of this. How does one trust someone who has devastated them to the extent that he has? I believe in the permanence of marriage. He says he wants his family. Do I give him another chance? I need to be sure I am doing what God expects me to do. I don’t know of he will make contact with this person again. He is not forthcoming with information. He wants to put it behind him and move on.
I’m so sorry you went through this. If I may ask, did you give him another chance? I am in a very similar situation and I don’t know what God wants from me.
God wants you to forgive him and work on your marriage. Everyone is happy when they get married and never imagines the unhappy but those times come. There are underlying problems between the two of you. Seek counseling and find out what the problems are. Somewhere along the line you are not meeting his needs and he is not meeting yours. Gods perfect will is for you to stay faithful to the covanant of your marriage vows and stay together till death do you part. Yes, That is not an easy thing to do but it is his will and his desire. If you can forgive and he can repent then both of you can start the rebuilding process. It may take a while but when we get married we vow to work through anything with our spouse. The problems we create, God expects us to fix no matter what. I recommend both of you read “The 5 Love Languages” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Those books give a good overview of what each other is looking for and how to provide it to them through Gods will. Keep the faith.
You are free to separate. Look at Katherine Khulman’s life. Serve God like she did in the short time on earth in life that you have. Don’t try to gain your life again, and find pain by marrying. You’ll need God to heal your inner being. Without that it will be burdensome.
Here’s my opinion. I went through to the same situation. I gave my wife 2 chances and she betrayed me again. I do still love her; I don’t believe in divorce. I spoke with God and cried like a baby, fasting and praying. How can I be with someone that does not want to repent? So because of that I spoke with my pastor and he said to leave it in God’s hands.
He has to see what the meaning of a family is and you have to love yourself and value yourself. Trust me, I’m going through to the same situation. It hurts knowing you love someone and gave so much for it and to have it end like that.
But don’t give him another chance till he shows you, through God, that he’s really changed. Trust God and he will heal you through the process. He will hurt you again if you don’t let God work on him first. Believe in Jesus; he will do what he does …give you life and give in abundance.
I hear and feel ya all. I too am going though such a whirlwind of life due to my husband of 32 years and his infidelity. I’m walking in faith daily somehow trusting God’s plan and God’s timeline. I don’t know how we all get through each day and our responsibiites that come with life but just reading and honestly praying for others also going through this challenge is a comfort. God bless us all; please keep up the prayers as I will also.
Here’s my opinion. I went through the same situation . I gave my wife 2 chances and she betrayed me again. I do still love her; I don’t believe in divorce. I spoke with God and cried like a baby about fasting and praying. How I want to be with someone that does not want to repent? So because of that I spoke with my pastor and he said to leave in God’s hands.
He has to see what the meaning of a family is. You have to love yourself and value yourself. Trust me, I’m going through the same situation. It hurts knowing you love someone and gave so much for it, and see in the end looks like it ends like that.
But don’t give him another chance till he shows you, through God, that he has really changed. Trust God and he will heal you through the process. He will hurt you again if you don’t let God work on him first.
Believe in Jesus. He will do what he does, give you life, and give in abundance.
Dear Hurting from Trinidad and Tobago, I’m in the same situation, a second affair and amazingly, I realized that I did not get the mandate to divorce my husband. Hear from God first and then you know you are on the right track. God bless.
I’ll start off by saying that when my girlfriend and I began seeing each other, we were both nonbelievers. We had two children together, talked about marriage but could never afford the marriage she wanted and was important to her. About three years ago, after we had our children, she became born again. At first I had no interest in being born again but remained very supportive as I LOVED the changes she was making. She was becoming not just a good person but a great person. I occasionally went to church with her to support her but maintained in the nicest way possible that being a Christian wasn’t for me. I’ve never hurt anyone, robbed anyone or done anything so heinous that I felt a need to ask anyone for forgiveness.
After about a year, she felt I was never going to become a Christian and left me. I was devastated. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman and now she was leaving me because of something I had no control over. Shortly after that, she started dating a Christian guy she met at church. It didn’t take long for them to move in together and start having sex, before they were married. I took her back. To make a long story short, for the last 2 years, our relationship has been a series of her cheating or leaving me for a Christian and then asking me to take her back. We recently reconciled after the latest infidelity and things have been ok until recently.
After a poignant trip to church, she came home and declared that we will NEVER get married until I’m a Christian, we are not going to be intimate in any way shape or form (including kissing)and if I can’t handle that, there’s the door. I told her I understood if she wanted to do that if she felt bad after sex and that I would deal with it. So here’s the problem I’ve been having: I told her I want to keep our family together and that I’m open to the idea of accepting Jesus. I asked her to pray with me, she said no. That was something I’d have to do on my own. Any help I’ve asked her concerning born again, she’s been nothing but skeptical and says no. I’ve been praying for strength and guidance, I tell her this and she says because I haven’t been saved, God can’t hear me. That before I ask for help, I have to praise his glory.
How can I praise his glory if I don’t believe yet? Since she made this declaration she’s been treating me like garbage. She was always completely honest when it came to cheating and she swears she’s not cheating and she doesn’t necessarily want to break up, but doesn’t seem to care at all about me. Her friends from church she is so sweet to, but I get nothing but attitude and indifference. I use every chance I get to try and make her happy and she says she appreciates what I do but doesn’t act like it at all.
So my questions are when I pray, how do I praise God when I’ve asked him to come into my heart, been praying a lot over the last 3 weeks and reading the Bible and I don’t feel free? My anxiety is just as sky high since before I started asking for this change and I’m still as confused and I don’t know what to do. Also, I understand warning Christians not to be in relationships with nonbelievers, but what happens when people commit to each other before one of them becomes born again? I love her, I’ve never cheated on her and now because she’s born again it’s ok for me to be left out in the cold? I didn’t understand. God is supposed to be about love but I’m hurt because of her change. How am I supposed to praise God when the dogma of Christianity is tearing my family apart?
Brad, you need to know that I am not a counselor so please don’t take my thoughts as “counseling.” What I will tell you is that I would be extremely concerned about any person who says they are “born-again” and continues to move from relationship to relationship (having sex along the way). I would ask them to show me in the Bible where it says that God honors that kind of behavior. I would also be very concerned about someone trying to use their “Christianity” as a club to get someone else to accept Christ into their lives. Again, I would ask them to show me in the Bible where this is taught.
To me, Brad, it sounds like your girlfriend is – at best – very weak in her understanding of Biblical truth and she probably told you she wouldn’t help you come to Christ when you asked because she wasn’t sure herself. I can’t imagine a true Christ-follower ever saying that to someone who is seeking to REALLY know Jesus. And either the church she attends isn’t teaching the “Truth” of God’s word, or she isn’t listening when it is taught and she takes what she wants to believe from the scripture while still holding onto many worldly behaviors. She is what the Bible calls a “double-minded” person.
She told you that God “can’t hear you” until you give your heart to Him. The truth is God always hears the prayers of a person who is honestly seeking Him in truth. I believe that’s why you have all these questions and why you searched the Internet and found our web site. God wants you to know Him – the REAL God and not some half-truths trying to scare you into a relationship with Him.
I was 24 when I came to realization that I needed Jesus Christ to come into my life to change me. I hadn’t robbed anyone, or hurt anyone (intentionally) or done anything heinous and I considered myself to be a really good person, too. But my marriage was about to end, I had major health issues and I realized as long as I stayed in “control” of my life it would end in disaster -or an early death. That’s when Jesus came to me and I realized that the answers were in Him and I surrendered my life to Him. That was in 1974. So, if you do the math, I’ve been a Christ-follower for 40 years now.
I would never tell anyone it’s easy to be a Christian. It wasn’t easy for Jesus – or His disciples, or Paul, or millions of His followers before me, so I can’t expect that He’s going to give me an easy life. What He HAS given me is a full life – full of hope, and peace and an assurance that if I make it my goal to live my life to His glory, I can never go wrong. Please don’t misunderstand me, I still do things I shouldn’t but Jesus knows that is not my desire and so I know I have the assurance of His forgiveness when I mess up. And the woman I almost divorced has been my loving wife now for 42 years and God has allowed us the privilege to have this web based marriage ministry. I promise you – none of this would have happened if Cindy and I had not given our hearts and lives fully to Christ.
What I want to suggest to you, Brad, is to contact one or more of the following resources who can give you the REAL path to answer your questions and doubts and introduce you to the ONE who has been waiting for you all these years. He knew you before you were created and He has had a plan for your life all along. We often refer “seekers” like yourself to a place called NEED HIM. You can either call them at 1-800-NEED-HIM or you can go to http://www.NEEDHIM.com. The other place you can call to talk with someone -a counselor (for free) -is a place called Focus On The Family. You can call them toll free at 1-800-A-FAMILY. Just tell them you have some questions about Jesus and want to talk with someone. Believe me, if you do this I think you will finally find the answers you’ve been hungry to find.
I won’t tell you that you need to leave your girlfriend, but what I AM afraid of is that until she realizes that she has been “playing” Christian and REALLY surrenders herself to Christ, she can never be a good influence in your life. And I’m also afraid of the example she is setting for your/her children. If you decide to call Focus On The Family they could also talk with you about the relationship issues you are having.
You have some important decisions to make, Brad. But make the first decision to explore NEED HIM or Focus On The Family. That is the starting place of a new life for you. Please know that Cindy and I care and are praying for you – Steve Wright, Marriage Missions Inetrnational
Brad, I am praying for you and your loved ones! God hears and answers the prayers of those who seek Him. No prayer is ever lost before God’s throne. Excellent advice given in the post above. He has a plan and a purpose for each of us, and I pray you will come to know the beauty of His True Love.
Thank you for the responses. I will look into the resources you suggested and I’m having a sit down with a pastor I like and respect in a couple days. Thank you for the prayers.
Brad, I’m proud of you for the steps you are taking. Don’t get discouraged if the pastor can’t answer every one of your questions in one meeting. Just go in with an open heart and an open mind and I believe God will show up in a BIG way for you. -Steve Wright
If I recall, I’ve been in this situation that I was so devastated and no one help me, not even my family, but God. And I know how it is to be a prodigal to becoming a stander. At first I was so confused, telling myself that my marriage has no hope that even though I believe in God that He is all powerful and can save, I doubt that He can’t in me. My marriage is still in the process of restoration, but I thank God for allowing this situation because if this didn’t happen in my marriage I would not have an intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father, as well as my perfect husband, for it says in Isaah 54:5, “For your maker is your husband The Lord Almighy is His name…”
And I would not be able to receive God’s free gift of Salvation, and that I would not be praying for my prodigal husband, and my children…! These things happen to us and the Sovereign God allows it so that we may be able to give Him the glory when our marriage has been restored. It is not our own work, but God’s work, His mighty hand that restored.
I still have not seen in my natural eyes the restoration, but I trust God that He already did restore my marriage in the Spiritual realm. Please include me and my marriage into your prayer! Thank you.
I pray for you Evenlyn, that the Lord helps you and your husband to rebuild your marriage even stronger than ever before with the love of God being your strongest bond together. I pray the Lord helps you both, guides you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I thank and praise God with you that your eyes are now open to His amazing grace. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I am in a situation similar to others here. I’ve been married going on seventeen years. We have 3 children, the oldest being my stepson. I met my wife in High School and we dated for a short period of time, but later got together again after I had graduated high school. She got pregnant in between that time with someone she didn’t plan on having a relationship with, but nonetheless; she was pregnant. Since we had started back talking to each other shortly after she got pregnant, I decided to take on the father role though I was only 18 and fresh out of high school and she was still in high school. These were big shoes to step into, but I had fallen in love with her and wanted to help her…
Anyway, a year in a half into our relationship, she cheated. I didn’t find out until a year after we were married. This really devastated me. I had taken on the role as father when I didn’t have to at only 18 to a child that wasn’t mine. I had been faithful to her though I had opportunities, only to be cheated on. I became very upset and told her I was going to cheat on her. I cheated on her with a couple of people and told her about it… I was going to be done cheating until she admitted that she had been with this person more times than she confessed to and tried with another person. I became VERY upset again… She was going to church every Sunday and saying she was a Christian, but wasn’t walking in righteousness and I wasn’t going to church, but was faithful prior…. So I began cheating more and before I knew it, I had cheated with more than twenty women over a 7 year period. I decided that it was enough and wasn’t going to cheat anymore, but found out she had cheated again with a couple of guys.
I got jealous again and started cheating again, but she had hurt me sooo bad with who she had cheated on me with this time so I was hurt from two sides… I thought I was going to die or go crazy in my mind I was hurt so bad. I started going to church, but I let the pain and anger overtake me. I stopped going to church because I would not go to church knowing I was sinning. Couldn’t do it! However, as time went by, we were able to deal with the infidelity because she didn’t know about the twenty something women, she only knew about the two that I confessed to her 7 yrs prior.
Then she got a job and met someone on the job and cheated again after being faithful 5 yrs. I found out through God’s intuition and she confessed. I decided I wasn’t going to retaliate again. I started going back to church, but our relationship has suffered dearly. I was a faithful man when we first started dating, but let her cheating convince me to cheat and it changed me. She knew I was faithful before, but after I admitted all the women to her, she has a hard time trusting me or thinking I won’t cheat again. Sometimes I feel the same way about her. But we’ve been working on it and God knew what it would take for me to start going to church.
My wife didn’t know what it really felt like to be cheated on by the one you love until I dropped the bomb on how many I had been with. She felt the pain like what I had been dealing with from when she first confessed to me. I know we’re going to make it, but I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t think about someone that she’s been with. I have the tapes rolling in my head. I believe it’s the same for her too. I will give faithful words to everyone and let you know it can work, because it is working right now.
We’ve been true to each other for 3 yrs and counting. What we had to do for it to even start is let everything out of the closet. Tell and answer everything even if we knew it would hurt to know the truth. I have to constantly remind her and myself that we don’t have anything to hide now. Everything is in the open. When we decided that we were going to stay together, we had to keep no more secrets. BECAUSE whatever is done in the dark will come to light… That is the most true statement you will ever hear. I didn’t believe it. I thought I would go to my grave with the 20 something women, but I had to confess. I felt so much better that I could tell the truth after holding it in for 7 or more years. All I can say is trust God, pray, have faith, be patient, and talk to each other about EVERY THING… Be Blessed.
Preach Brother! That was very well put. I hope this helped this man.
Your confessions, may it bring healing. We all have our ego to kill. we need to die and live as Christ did. With Christ in us. There is no sex or marriages in heaven. Be married to Christ. Don’t cheat on him. He hurts like you did.