I can honestly say that my wife’s affair shattered and yet it saved our marriage. When I look back, I remember:
I searched her eyes for the familiar fire. Seeing none, I thought, who is this woman? My wife of two years had become an instant stranger. She repeated the sentence I could not understand, “I’m moving out.”
I asked, “What are you saying? Why do you want to leave?”
“I’m unhappy… lonely… miserable actually. There, I said it. You make me miserable. Maybe with a little distance between us—we’ll get closer.”
I touched her arm but she pulled away as I said, “That doesn’t make any sense. How can distance make us closer?’
“I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t stay here. I need some time to sort things out—a little space. I’m not even sure I even love you… that I ever did.”
I stood, frozen as I begged, “Please don’t go now. Can’t you wait until tomorrow?”
She silently picked up her suitcase, flung her purse over her shoulder, and with a dramatic toss of her hair, walked out our front door.
I knew that I hadn’t been the best husband, and that I got angry at her too often and that my need to be “right” often made her wrong. I knew that, lately, she had been distant.
Wife’s Affair
However, I didn’t know that my wife was having an affair.
During the month Nancy was gone, I was a mess. Each time I called her, I would start to cry and ask her what I could do to get her to come home, but she answered my questions with one-word sentences. Then she would abruptly say, “I gotta go” and hang up.
I asked friends to “spy” on her and they said that she seemed fine… happy. They told me to move on with my life and try to accept the fact that she was gone. When Nancy told me she was filing divorce papers, I believed that our marriage was over.
Then, one night, after a miraculous change of heart, (for the full story, read Nancy’s book) she came home and said, “I’ve been lying to you for months, but I’m going to tell the truth now. Ask me anything.”
“Is there another man? Are you having an affair?”
She looked away and whispered, “Yes, with a man at work. But it ends today. I’m going to quit my job tomorrow and I will never see him again. I hope that you will take me back and we can stay married.”
Forgiving Wife’s Affair
I do not regret my choice to forgive Nancy.
Her affair was a symptom of a terminally ill marriage. I’m not excusing her behavior, but I was NOT an attentive, loving, encouraging husband. She repeatedly told me how sad, lonely, and discouraged she felt and I selfishly tried to talk her out of her needs. I didn’t compliment her enough and I was not the spiritual leader of our home. Our marriage was a mess and a lot of that was my fault. I was also tempted to stray and might have if someone pursued me.
The decision to forgive came quickly, but the rebuilding of our marriage took a long time. I would feel good one day and hopeless the next. Then she would get frustrated and confused. There might be a week where we would be caring and loving, and then we’d slip into old patterns and have to remind ourselves to get back on track.
Details of Wife’s Affair?
I did not ask for details of her affair.
I didn’t want obsess about what she did and where she did it. When the thoughts of her with him came to taunt me, I didn’t allow them to stay. Instead, I chose to think about the future were building. I read Philippians 4:8, which helped me think about things that were pure, admirable, lovely and good.
The first thing we did was get Goldy advice from a wise Christian couple (Nancy’s parents) then we spent several months seeing a Christian marriage counselor. We got involved in our church’s couples group, and started reading marriage materials like the Familylife Home Builders series. We knew we had to find out, “Okay, what does a husband do? What is my role? What does that look like?” She had to find out, “What is a Godly wife supposed to do?” We learned Biblical principles and found practical ways to apply them. Probably the one thing that helped me the most was the verse in 1 Peter 3:7 where it instructs me to dwell with my wife in understanding.
For years and years, every comedian on television says, “Oh, I can’t understand my wife.” It’s the proverbial joke in our culture. But if the Bible tells us to dwell with our wives in understanding, it must be possible.
Mission Beyond Wife’s Affair
That became my personal mission—to understand my wife.
I learned that my wife is more sensitive than my buddy. I can tease and make wise cracks at my friend’s expense, and he’s just going to respond with a playful insult. But when I make fun of my wife, it breaks her down emotionally and spiritually. It hurts her and she pulls away from me.
I learned that if my wife says, “You’re tailgating and it’s scaring me,” I should stop tailgating. If I love her, why would I want to frighten her?
The more I understood about my wife, and respected those God-given differences, the less we argued. We used to have “brush fire arguments” they are the little spats that turn into World War III in 90 seconds. As we extinguished the brushfires, the intimacy grew, and our love grew.
When we got back together, it was a good day if we were just polite to each other. If we could say “please” and “thank you” and not fight or yell, that was as much as we could have hoped for.
Giving Mercy Despite Wife’s Affair
We offered each other mercy while we were trying to change.
When we slipped up, we tried not to get too bent out of shape over it because we both knew we were trying. It was like we were two parallel pendulums swinging back and forth, just missing each other. But through self-control and studying God’s Word, and putting those principles into our marriage, eventually we became like two pendulums, swinging in sync—together. But it took time, self-control, and a strong commitment.
Many of the habits we had established were very difficult to break. Before, we would be waiting for the other person to make a mistake so we could point it out. But when we began this new cycle. I was trying to please her and she was trying to please me.
Because of these new insights, Nancy realized how much my forgiveness meant to her. She thanked me many times for being willing to take her back. She treated me with new respect and I began to appreciate her.
Years Beyond Wife’s Affair
It’s been over 25 years since Nancy’s affair but we’ve never stopped learning from it.
Our theory is: always be fine-tuning your relationship. Never let your guard down for a moment. Never take each other for granted and be careful not to get caught up in emotions because our emotions can deceive us.
We had to learn that the Word of God is our value system and though our emotions may change, God’s Word doesn’t change. The truth is the truth.
We are amazed at how far we’ve come —we laugh a lot now and really enjoy each other. When we disagree, we do it without a brushfire. Our 21-year-old son often sees us holding hands and he knows that we are living examples of mercy and restoration.
We had a broken home—but with the Lord’s help and a lot of work, it’s fully restored—stronger than before. My wife’s affair shattered and saved our marriage.
You can read more about Ron and Nancy Anderson’s marriage story in her book: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair-Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage, by Kregel Publications. Ron and Nancy love to encourage other couples as they speak at marriage seminars and couples’ retreats across the country. You can learn more at RonAndNancyAnderson.com and see video clips of TV interviews on their blog: JoyfulMarriage.blogspot.com.
Dear Lily, I’m so sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing in your life. Sadly, the lack of care and love in your marriage put you in a more vulnerable position to walking into the affair you are now having with this man. But as you know, your heart will never find peace apart from living God’s way. No matter what your husband has or hasn’t done, you are only tortured more if you do things contrary to the way God would have you.
Breaking off with this man will be one of the most difficult things you will ever have to live through. In a MUCH lesser sense, it will be like tearing off a bandage that you applied to a hurt. However, now that it is stuck, you find that it is causing more infection than you had going in the first place. So now you know you must remove it even though it will hurt horribly (because it’s stuck on so intensely). By tearing it off, you know that it will also tear off a part of yourself. But you still know that this pain will be less harmful in the long-run than allowing the bandage to stay. It’s an awful dilemma to experience.
But I sense from your letters that you know this is a choice that you need to make. I hope in the future we can find an article that we can post that will help those who are in an affair, to help them break off that relationship. But in the meantime, you may want to write Nancy on her blog that is posted at the end of the article. She’s a wonderful person and may have some suggestions that can help you. There are other web sites we have posted in the resource part of the “Extramarital Affair” and the “Surviving Infidelity” sections that you might want to visit to see if you can find additional information that will help you with this.
I pray you are able to break loose from the stranglehold that sin has on your life. I also pray that you are able to find help for your emotions, and prayerfully your marriage, so that you are able to find ways to cope without participating in something that is sinful and hurts you, and especially God’s heart like this does. Please know that my heart and my prayers are with you.
(UNITED STATES) I just broke off an affair with a man whom had been my counselor years ago. My husband had not worked in over a year. I went to the local hardware store to talk with the owners and ran into him (my old counselor). I told him that I had married a wonderful Christian man. My husband was depressed because he could not find a job. He was staying at his mother’s way to much -weeks at a time. I saw my marriage slipping away. I asked my husband if he would like to go to see my old counselor and he said yes, that it might help. I called the church where the counselor now worked and left a message with the pastor asking him to call. I told the pastor about my husband needing counseling and that he had not been working.
When he called, he wanted to see me. I met him and before I knew it I was involved and did not want to hurt him. If felt obligated since he had helped me all those years back. I tried to break it off, but he would be so hurt and etc. My husband started an argument and packed his clothes and left me on a Sunday morning. I had pushed him away over and over because I did not know how to end the affair. I wanted to end it but was so confused.
When my husband left through, it gave me the courage to finally stop. When the old counselor called, I would not talk with him. He came to my house and I would not open the door. It has been a year now and my husband has not come back nor forgiven me. I pray every day that God can somehow put it into his heart to forgive and restore out marriage. I know that my husband had been seeing his own lady friend before me this whole time. I am not sure if he was also having an affair or not. All I know is that I have prayed and know that God has forgiven me and I pray that marriage will survive. God Bless.
Edna, I’m so glad that you finally found the strength to break it off with this “counselor.” If the authorities found out about him, he could definitely lose his license and truly should. He took advantage of you –someone in a vulnerable situation. In his own cunning way (it may seem innocent, but it’s actually a confusion tactic that many abusers use), he was able to hook you to the point where it would look like you would hurt HIM if you broke off the affair. Please know that is not at all uncommon for an abuser to do this. It’s how they are able to victimize so many.
I wonder how many other women he has done this to –kind of a like a pedophile or a rapist who perpetuates victimizing those who are vulnerable (and no one goes forward –an act, which could stop such actions from happening in the future). Truly consider and pray about whether you should turn this man in. He, of course, would deny that he has done this to anyone else, but isn’t that the profile of a rapist and pedophile, as well?
Look at what’s happening at Penn State and now Syracuse University. When one victim comes forward, others follow, which then stops the long line of horror from continuing. Darkness is finally exposed to the Light. And even if you’re the “only one,” isn’t one too many in this type of situation? You needed help in saving your marriage and he helped to sink it further. That is so inexcusable. He’s supposed to be a trained professional, and someone claiming to be a Christian, as well, and should be able to separate feelings from what needs to be done. He violated your trust and you, as a married woman. Yes, you did participate, but your approach to him was innocent and he took advantage of that. He violated you, his professional ethics, and God’s Biblical guidelines. This goes deeper than the affair. Pray about exposing him to at least the Pastor, if no one else. Yes, it will be difficult for you, but you could be saving other women from going down the same road.
Edna, with that said, I’m so glad that you found the strength to finally stop doing what you know you shouldn’t. Whether your husband was having an affair or not, doesn’t ever give cause to do the same. I’m not trying to chastise you here but to say that I’m glad you had the strength to stop. I’m not your judge… only God is. But after you confessed and stopped, you can be assured that God definitely forgave you. What will happen with your marriage, only God knows because He does not erase consequential fall-out from our sin. Keep praying and working on your own issues, hoping that God will redeem this, and bring good out of this mess. I trust He will.
And thank you for openly confessing this. I know it took bravery. You could have left this in the dark, but then again, you wouldn’t have the opportunity for helping others, in the same way. Hopefully, it also will inspire others to break off their relationships. I hope so… I pray so. Infidelity causes so much destruction. In the end, doing the right thing eventually brings more peace than walking the wrong path… even if you started on the wrong one — there’s more peace possible than perpetuating it.
For those who are reading this and are either emotionally and/or physically involved in an affair, we have a few articles posted, which has a community of commenters who are trying to break off their affairs, and are supporting each other in this struggle. Perhaps you could find help there, as well. One article is posted in the “Emotional Infidelity” topic and is titled, “Getting Unhooked From an Emotional Affair.” The other is posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic and is titled “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair.” I hope this helps. Thanks again, Edna.
(PORT ELIZABETH) Hi, I’m a 29 yr old male, same story as Ron & Nancy… but my wife had 2 sexual relationships before and while we were married. We’ve been divorced now for almost 2 years. Married for 5 and 2 daughters. She had the same symptoms, but moved in with another man with my 2 daughters (2 & 4yrs), also worked with her, whilst we were still married for about 6 months…
Every time she’s done something like this it would be at her work. She also said she’s going to leave her job and know what the word says. Unfortunatly she never stoped the affair, it was on and off. She took my kids 800 km away from me and told me if I wanna see them, I need to fetch them and return them.
When we were separated, still married but moved in with him, she started with the nice sms as well, but never broke the affair. She would also phone me late night and tell me how she took the LORD’s word for granted and that her sister wanted to get divorced as well, and she told her not to because the grass is not greener on the other side and she regrets the divorce etc. But she got married to him, 8 months after the divorce went through.
I sometimes also feel sorry for her to be so misled. I trust the LORD for keeping my heart humble and want to forgive out of my hart. The fact that I don’t see my children makes me feel so empty and difficult to forgive.
(SINGAPORE) I am going through a similar thing Zizi. I had an affair with some guy in the very early stage of my marriage. My husband did something very extraordinary to get me back. He told me, as well as those around us, that all he wanted was for me to be back with him and he would forgive and forget everything. Now more than 10 years later, the extraordinary thing he did in order to get me back has come back to haunt us. Our family had to be uprooted from the comfortable environment we had in the US. My husband’s career is now in jeopardy because of the move. He has turned very vindictive. He has turned from a loving husband and father into someone we don’t know. He now blames me for everything that went wrong. He said his life has been destroyed because of me. He is now involved in an affair with a colleague. Although she lives in Boston, they had managed to meet last week in China. I can’t speculate what they did, but from their online chatting record, he had pursued her very hard for sex, and she might have turned it down. But she has been shamelessly leading him on, and he has fallen her victim. They are now chatting online constantly. Yet he hardly talks to me and doesn’t do much with the kids. Because of some very unique situation, I am not able to expose my husband’s affair and directly confront him right now. It hurts so much! I have been encouraged by brothers and sisters around me, those who know about the situation, that I should just turn to the Lord, and He would direct me. But I find it very hard to do. The pain is eating me alive inside. Anybody knows what I should do?
(USA) WOW!!! This is almost the exact same thing my wife and I (of 13yrs) are going thru. After counseling with our Pastor’s wife, she has decided that she is living in sin and ended the affair. However, in her honesty, she revealed and affair that ended with an abortion just 1month before we got married. She told no one about that until just recently. She has been living with that buried secret all these years!!! Now we find ourselves in almost the same situation 13yrs later…the devil has not given up on my wife, but, with GOD’S HELP, I have not given up either. It hurts, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe that the last 13 years and 2 beautiful boys were in vain!
(AUSTRALIA) This is amazing. I am going through the same situation with my marriage. I have had a bad marriage for many years. I have fallen in love with another man I have a huge emotional connection with (I’d say I had an emotional affair). I didn’t mean for it to happen. My husband has forgiven me but I am still having doubts about our marriage. And it’s killing me to have no communication with the other man.
I feel bad as I broke his heart too. I still see his face in my head when I told him I was going to stay with my husband. I broke it off several times now but I have continued to talk with him and see him. I am scared I will go back again.
Please pray I can remain strong and that my heart will mend. I am thankful that my husband has forgiven me. I want to fight to save our marriage and make it what it should be. It’s just so hard right now.
Hi Amanda, I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I know that it is extremely difficult to battle this type of emotional entanglement. The mind knows one thing, but the heart grabs onto that which it shouldn’t at times and the battle is enormously fierce.
As I read your comment, that your heart knows it is best to be faithful to your husband and try to rebuild your marriage, I rejoiced with you and with the Lord over this victory. But I couldn’t help but think that your actions are prolonging the pain and the process of reconciliation. You don’t put your head into the mouth of a hungry lion and then pray that it doesn’t bite you.
When you say that you “broke it off several times” with this other man and then you say you “have continued to talk with him and see him”, aren’t you putting your head into the mouth of the roaring lion and expecting no harmful consequences?
There is a time to pray, but there is also a time to flee from temptation. The Bible tells us to “flee” from sexual temptation” — not stand in the face of it and dare it not to bite you. The Bible also says that the enemy of our faith is like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. You are to resist him and flee from temptation, and after you have done this, to stand firm in the faith that God can help you to overcome “everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.” As flee and then you stand firm, THAT is when you pray. You have done and are doing what you are called by God to do, and now it will take God’s help to get you to the next level of living as you should.
You need to throw every thought of this man out of your mind as immediately as it comes in. It is like giving the enemy a toe into the door of your mind. It invites entry. You need to throw out these thoughts as often as they come in. If it is 200 – 500 times a day, that is as often as you throw them out as if they are junk mail, meant to tempt you and clutter your mind with garbage. You will find that eventually the thoughts will come less and less as you allow them to starve. Whatever you feed will gain strength.
The look of pain that you saw in this man’s face is real. But he had no business connecting with another man’s wife — just as you had no business connecting with him. You need to leave that pain alone for him to battle and you battle your own pain instead. You are hurting your husband, your marriage and the Lord further by allowing yourself to go down that memory path. Again, you must deny yourself entry.
And then you start feeding your marriage. Ask God to show you how to romance your husband and your marriage and invest time and effort into being the woman of God and wife that God would have you to be. The Holy Spirit, who is our Wonderful Counselor, will show you how to do this as you keep asking for it and doing what He shows you to do. If you redirect your energies toward your marriage and your walk with the Lord, instead of towards this man, you will find the rewards to be greater than you can imagine.
I pray for you Amanda. We are called to faithfulness as children of God. I know you will be able to do this as you do what it takes to be faithful. I’ve seen this kind of thing happen over and over again. But those who carry out the principles of God, never lose. The gain is great!
(USA) My wife told me the day before our daughters second birthday that she needed a break from me. I asked if we were separating and she said yes. I left work to go home and talk to her. She said she was no longer happy with me and wanted to take care of the kids and everything herself. She told me to leave 2 days later. I didn’t want to upset the kids so I went to my mothers.
We have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. The night she asked me to leave she asked a mutual friend, who conveniently is splitting up with his wife, to stay. He stayed there every night (moved in). I have been praying for God to have his will. I know it is too late for her and I but I don’t have any hate for her. I want her to be happy. I filed for divorce and got temporary custody of the kids and the house for them to live in. Also my wife is pregnant at this time. She says it is my child and I believe her. I love her and pray that she finds peace.
My children are the biggest part of my life. God has given me peace and comfort through this. I love the Lord and know he will have his will. I know adultery is not acceptable to God. I held our marriage very sacred. We were married for 8 years. She is like a completely different person. Please pray for me.
(USA) I recently found out that my wife had been having an emotional affair for 8 months. My first thought was to leave. I left work early the day I found out for sure, and made some calls to find some emotional support. After calming down and thinking things through, I decided to try and talk it through. We do have a 5 year old daughter, so its a family issue not just a relationship issue.
I had discovered some signs previously, and asked her what was going on. I was told that it was just coworkers text messages. I believed it because I wanted to. I still told her that because I had thought it might be the case, that we needed to talk about it more. After some limited talking, not much had changed around the house.
Back on topic… this is still less than a week since I bade her to tell me the truth. I started out with basic questions, how long (8 months), when (often), why (bored), have you thought about moving in with him (yes), did you give any thought to our daughter (no comment), do we still have a chance to reconcile this world that we have built (I don’t know) Would you stop seeing him (no comment). At this point I was in tears, and didn’t know how to feel. Several hours later still talking asking questions (not about the affair but about what lead to it), we started to have some open responses.
This is the part that I am not proud of. I lied. I told her that his wife called me at work to let me know, and that the problems that brought their marital problems was another affair. I explained to my wife that I didn’t think the blame on their part was 50/50, that I think that this guy preyed on a weakness that I unfortunately helped to create.
I think that it is true, this guy told her to use passwords and only call at certain times, and started the affair with text sex. These things are not something that a person that hasn’t done this before would do. I am undecided when or even if I should tell her that some of the things I have told her about this guys life aren’t 100% true. Like I said I think it’s very close to the truth regardless, if it is a guess on my part.
After several hours of talking through, she told me she is willing to break off the affair and have no more contact. I asked her if she would call him now and I would not interrupt. She did, and we have still been working through some of the causes. I have since changed my schedule at work to allow more time with my family, and have started planning family events and outings with my wife. We have talked and connected more in the last 4 days than in the last 2 years all put together. There have been signs from God I think.
When I got home the day I confronted her, there was a turtle dove in a wreath that has been up since Christmas, a real dove building a nest. A friend at work ask me if I knew someone at his church. He threw out the name and I had no idea who it was. He then told me that this person I didn’t know, had put a prayer request in for me and my family, first and last name. This was on the same Wednesday afternoon that we were talking, and that I saw the dove. He told me this 2 days later and he had no idea what was going on, or that I had left early that Wednesday.
While we were talking she got a text message; it was Matthew 10:32 and the following: “No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance. No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work. And no one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice.” It was from one of her friends that she hadn’t talked to in some time. We both had a great cry about this. I truly think God has bent some ears to help us though this. She is having a hard time understanding how I can forgive her in such a short time. I told her it’s God’s will.
I would like very much for someone out there to pray for my wife, that she will continue to see what our family is worth. If it’s no bother, pray for me as well –that I will continue to be patient and understanding. I know from what she told me that letting go of the other man will be hard for her. I am still worried that there may be a relapse in judgment if she talks to him again. Please pray also that any communication from this guy falls on deaf ears. Thank you all for your inspiring posts, and unique situations. You will all be in my prayers.
Hi Jeff, I want you to know that my wife Cindy and I will be praying for your wife, and also for you. This is a very tough time for both of you to be going through. I’m glad you’ve made the adjustments in your schedule to try to work harder on making your marriage a good one. This will be a slow uphill battle, but it’s worth the fight!
Also, you might want to have her check out the postings after the article “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair” which you can find in the “Surviving Infidelity section. They will help both of you to see the addictive nature of what your wife is going through and how important it is for her to be strong at this time. If she gives in to her urges, she will only complicate the healing process and multiply how difficult it will be to break off this relationship.
When she gets past the initial stage of breaking off from this man, you need to start putting romance back into your marriage. It’s one of the reasons she became “bored” in the first place. You neglected to romance your wife. Her need to be romanced didn’t end after the wedding, and so even though things get busy, don’t neglect the one thing that can help you to continue to build good feelings between you (even stronger than you both had for each other before you married).
You may find that it will go slower at first, but eventually the feelings will follow the gestures. We have a lot of ideas in the “Romantic Ideas” section that could help you (and we try to add more periodically as we find them, so check back from time-to-time).
Our support and our prayers are with you both!
(USA) Hi. I found out that my husband was involved in an affair about two months ago. For two months now, we have been going to counseling together and separately. He has tried unsuccessfully to break off all communication with the person. As she is now going through a divorce herself, she has no intention of stopping her pursuit. He’s really confused. He says I never loved him… I keep trying to reassure him that I do, but he’s not hearing me. He is a completely different person. What he is doing is going against all the values he has held onto so strongly our whole marriage…19 years. He has built up in his mind that there are no good memories of our marriage, which is ludicrous, because we have three beautiful children and have many good memories.
Three years ago, we almost lost one of our children. She was in a coma due to a disease that attacked her brain. She was in the hospital a long time, and in therapy still. We both responded and had some post-traumatic stress from this. I know it is definitely related, but he says it isn’t.
He has blamed me for pushing him into the affair. He has had no remorse. We are Christians, and so is the other woman. I have taken steps to change those things that I need to work on, and he says he will try to work on the marriage, but doesn’t believe that it will work. I don’t see how it can even begin to heal as long as he’s communicating with her. I can tell when he does, because he is very mean to me.
I’m having a hard time with knowing how to set boundaries. He is not living with me now, but comes over all the time for dinner and to work out of the house, because we have the wireless internet. Because I’m committed to fight for our marriage, I’m not sure what to do. When he is around, he picks me apart… every bad thing I’ve ever done in the marriage. Then, he turns the table and acts like he’s working on the marriage. It’s so confusing. He can’t understand why all our friends & acquaintances are upset with him. He thinks that if they only knew how bad our marriage was it somehow justifies his actions. He seems to forget that adultery is his choice and it is sin. If you have any advice, or any words of hope, I would greatly appreciate it.
(USA) I had a difficult time reading this article and the comments shared in response to it. I’m in a very difficult place in my life right now and I’m having a hard time knowing how to deal with it.
My relationship with my husband, before he became my husband, had always been iffy. He had commitment/faithfulness issues and we had a rocky first year of dating. Even our reasons for dating in the first place were not very well founded. He was physically attracted to me and I was looking for an escape from this guy that I was madly in love with at the time but who didn’t want to be with me at the time. My husband [then boyfriend] was never romantic. He never pursued me. We just happened and then continued to date. There was really no excitement as such.
My husband and I got married three years ago because my visa for the US was expiring [I was an international student; we had just graduated from college; he was my boyfriend at the time]. We were not saved at the time and so we definitely didn’t consult God concerning our decision. The marriage was pretty much a contract to him. He knew he loved me but he wasn’t ready to call me his wife. I considered it real at the time and tried my best to be a wife, the way I knew how, not knowing God. My husband continued to treat the marriage like a contract and did his own thing. We didn’t even live together the first year of our marriage. It was a really tough time.
I got saved 10 months after we got married and began to really seek God for wisdom and had more peace concerning my husband’s lack of acknowledgment of our marriage. During this time, I found out he had-had an "affair" but he didn’t consider it so, as we were not really married in his eyes. It was a hard time but God saw me through it and gave me peace concerning it. I continued to try and make it work. Brought home books about Christian marriages that had activities/studies for couples to do together. I tried to read couple’s devotionals with him. I tried to come up with a plan to spend more quality time together doing things. He barely ever had a response. There was no romance in our relationship period. Before and after our legal marriage.
Also, no one knew about our marriage except for a couple of friends that agreed to be the witnesses. So we were living with this huge burden of a secret which made things more stressful and difficult between us.
About 2 years into our marriage, my husband "proposed." It really wasn’t the type of proposal I was expecting. I mean I’ve always had a fairytale notion of romance, proposals, marriage etc. and so far, everything of that nature in my life, had been completely the opposite. By the time the "engagement" came around, I was really numb and had just decided to go with it. Our relationship was/is still very empty. There was/has been no romance. I have never felt wanted or special or worth "courting."
We planned our church wedding for this past March. Right before the wedding, the guy I was in love with right before my husband and I started dating, came back into my life. His father had passed and so we talked and one thing led to another. I got caught up in my feelings and started to have doubts concerning my legal marriage as well as the upcoming church wedding. Even though my husband and I went back and forth and thought about canceling the wedding, we decided to go ahead with it. At the time, I was in a difficult place. I had been disowned by my family for being a Christian [I was raised in a Muslim family] and I was feeling very alone. I didn’t want to lose my friends, church, and my husband’s family on top of the huge loss that I was already experiencing.
So I cut it off with the other guy and I went ahead with the wedding. I thought maybe if we had the wedding, things would change between us, but they didn’t/haven’t. I still felt very empty in the marriage. There was/is this huge void that I couldn’t erase. I have been praying about it ever since I’ve been saved. I have been talking to my husband about my emptiness since we’ve been married. I’ve been talking about how I need more from him. He has always made promises but they have never manifested in our relationship. He is a man of God but it feels like marriage and being a husband is not a priority at all.
Last month, my father passed in an accident. I have been torn with grief. My husband hasn’t been very supportive; he doesn’t understand how it feels or what I’m going through. The other guy came back into my life yet again. We’ve been able to share our pain revolving around the loss of our father’s. He shows me love, compassion, attention and respect. He makes me feel loved and wanted. He has been very supportive of me and very genuinely loving, caring and kind.
I’m so torn. I have loved this man for the past five years. Even though I got married to someone else, who I believe I really wasn’t in love with, I have loved this other person. I feel like I made a mistake when I married my husband and I feel really torn. I know having feelings for this other guy and acting on them is not pleasing to God; regardless of my circumstances, but I can’t help but feel that he was the one I was meant to be with and I messed it up by marrying my husband under the circumstances that we did, without consulting God first. I understand God’s grace and He can make wrong things, right, but I don’t understand why this other guy keeps coming back into my life and why we have such an amazing connection, that I’ve never had with my husband.
I am in a really hard place. Between my grief and the problems in my marriage, and the burden of not knowing what I want to do is breaking me. I really have no idea how to deal with all of this right now. I truly love the Lord and have tried so very hard to seek Him in this process but He is silent and I am having a hard time connecting with Him. I’m really in a place where I feel forsaken and even though cognitively I know that I’m not, the feeling is overwhelmingly painful.
Thanks for reading this in spite of it being so long. God bless.
(USA) I’m in a very similar situation. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, but we have been separated for a year and a half, we have two daughters 1 and 2 yrs old. During my separation period I got involved with my boss who was also married. When I first got involved with him he would tell me that his marriage was going down and that he had not been sexually involved with his wife for 7 months.
We had a relationship that lasted a year and few months. At the beginning of the relationship he would tell me that he is making plans to be with me and get divorced. As time passed I realized that he was lying the whole time. Though, I knew the truth I still stayed with him because I loved him with all my heart. I admired everything he did and felt extremely protected with him.
Recently my husband has come back to the picture. He has asked me for forgiveness (he abandoned me with my children) and wants me to go back with me. I have agreed because of my two daughters, I don’t want them to go through a tough time with a step dad. But in reality I don’t know if I still love him. I keep comparing him to my boss and he is totally the opposite. Everything my husband does bothers me and everything he says annoys me!
I don’t know what to do. It’s been 2 weeks since I broke up with my boss. I left my job, got a new job and threw away all the stuff he gave me with some exceptions but he still texts me all the time and is making it difficult for me to forget him. I don’t know what to do.
I think about him every minute, my heart hurts so much and my heart tells me to leave my husband and go with this man. My mind tells me to try to work things out with my husband and at the end I will realize that I do still love him. I know the best thing to do is to stay with my husband for the sake of my kids but I’m having a very difficult time forgetting this man who I love with all my heart. And sometimes I wonder if the love I have for my husband will ever come back even though I feel as if everything he does and says annoys me.
Please give me some advice, what should I do? Is this normal for someone to feel this way about their husband after an affair? Will it go away? or should I follow my heart? Thanks so much.
(CANADA) Your Boss (lover) VS. Your Husband. If you continuously compare you lover with your husband, your husband will always lose. This is a clear case of the grass is greener syndrome. You need to know that I went through a similar situation with my wife and she chose her husband (me) and is so embarrassed, guilt ridden, and feels horrible that she ever compared us, as there is no competition between us. Although at one point she wanted to leave me for him.
The affair addiction is like an addiction to cocaine. If you break away from it, in time your head will snap back into place and you will realize what truly has happened. Good Luck.
(USA) I am recently separated from my husband after he discovered an affair that I had last spring. I had ended it and hadn’t seen the man for over 6 months but had not told my husband about it for fear he would leave me. That’s exactly what happened. Now, we are separated and seeing a counselor individually. He has told me not to have any hope but I have to. I love him and I made a terrible mistake. I want to spend the rest of my life earning his trust again and showing him how much I love him and our children. We have 3 beautiful children together.
I am heart broken and am working to understand how I could have done such a terrible, horrific tragic thing. But my husband is questioning everything- he even wants me to get paternity tests for our 3 kids. I don’t have any issues with it because I have never had an affair before and know with 100% truthfulness that he is the father of our kids. But it hurts. It hurts to have him question me so much even though I know I deserve it.
I don’t know what to do. I’m just working hard to understand why what happened did happen, pray to God everyday for a miracle that somehow he’ll find forgiveness and want to try again, and keep a stiff upper lip for my 3 kids. I would appreciate any advice or insight you can offer but most of all just ask that you pray for my family and for my husband. Please pray that he finds forgiveness (he is not a forgiving type and has a lot of pride), that he turn to God during this, and that slowly he lets me back in his heart. All I want is a chance to make us happy again. Thank you for your prayers in advance.
(UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My wife had an affair last fall with a guy she had been intimate with before our marriage, over eleven years ago. It lasted for about three months until I had suspicions and confronted her with an email she sent. We have been trying to work things out. She still has issues of being torn between the other man and me. I love her and I’m committed to staying by her side. What can I do if anything, to help her in this struggle? I pray for understanding and for her heart to be healed.
(INDIA) Take the 40 day Love dare … thru the lent season… Allow God to work in your marriage…