I’ve worked with couples who don’t survive infidelity. There are many reasons they don’t. There is one consistent theme, that ran through these marriages. The person who had the affair didn’t commit to be monogamous in the future. S/he never said, “I won’t do this again; I promise.” Some people fail to say these words because they think it’s self-evident. Others don’t promise this change because they’re too proud. Rebuilding trust is difficult under these circumstances.
Whatever the reason, failing to promise monogamy makes your partner wonder whether the two of you are on the same page about the future of your marriage. So, don’t hold back. If you are honestly committed, let your partner know, in no uncertain terms, that it is your plan to be completely monogamous.
Rebuilding Trust: Share Details
If your spouse is the sort of person who requires lots of information in order to feel better about the affair, you should be honest. I know this is very difficult and you may be tempted to withhold information, thinking that you’re protecting your spouse. But many in your spouse’s shoes have said that the worst part of the infidelity were the lies and deception that followed the disclosure. It’s time for you to come clean and clear the air. As tough as that might be, it’s a lot easier than lying, covering up, and being discovered again. That corrodes trust tremendously. So share, even if it hurts.
Sometimes you’ll question whether sharing information is a good idea.
You wonder this because your spouse reacts so badly to the things you’ve said. But if your spouse determines that the road to recovery is paved with brutal honesty, that’s the path you need to take. It’s important to do this, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. There will be times when the two of you will feel close as a result of this new honesty and you’ll begin to feel that your truthfulness has really paid off. Then, just when you thought you were out of the woods and the questions would cease, a whole new slew of questions gets thrown your way. You feel as if you’re getting the third degree.
Remember, healing is a process, not a quick fix.
Just because your spouse was fine on Monday doesn’t mean s/he will be fine on Thursday. It also doesn’t mean that sharing information isn’t working. Some people think, “I told him/her what happened. If that was so useful, why is s/he still having a problem and needing to talk about it constantly? That’s just the way improvement happens … in waves. You need to continue to be forthcoming, from now until forever.
OFFER REASSURANCES:
Even though you have decided to turn over a new leaf, your spouse is still reacting to what happened. This is completely normal, for now, you owe it to your partner and to yourself to bend over backward to prove your trustworthiness.
You might be thinking to yourself, “I decided to stop the affair and become trustworthy. I don’t know why s/he just doesn’t trust me now.” The reason is your spouse is feeling very insecure right now and needs all the help you give him/her to get back on stable ground. You need to extend yourself—even if you don’t think you should have to—to help your spouse feel more secure. Along these lines, do what your spouse asks. Here are some things s/he might ask of you:
• Call from work often.
• Limit out-of-town travel temporarily.
• Offer complete travel itineraries and phone numbers.
• Talk about your day in detail.
• Spend more time together.
• Be willing to answer any and all questions about the OP and about your whereabouts.
Remember, once your spouse feels more trust in you and in your marriage, many of these requests will stop.
EXPECT UPS AND DOWNS:
I really want to emphasize this point. The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line. At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind your spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings.
This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn’t mean that this problem is insurmountable. What it means is that this problem is still being resolved. But it happens slowly, much too slowly for you. And what should you do in the meantime?
BE PATIENT:
You might feel a great deal of remorse about what happened. Even so, there will be times when you have a hard time understanding why your spouse seems intent on hanging on to the affair. From your standpoint, the whole thing is over and you want to just move on. However, if you convey this emotion to your spouse, s/he will feel that you’re not empathetic, that you have no idea what s/he has been going through, and that will set both of you back considerably.
I realize that your need to move on has little to do with your insensitivity. One of the primary reasons you want to put the past in the past, is because you don’t want to see the hurt on your partner’s face any longer. But be that as it may, you have to move at your spouse’s pace. You won’t be able to speed things along with your anger.
Continue to answer questions and be reassuring.
If your spouse still wants to know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing, continue offering information. It won’t last forever, even though it seems that way right now. This is a transitional period. There has been major breach of trust and it takes time to heal. Be patient, be loving, be responsive, and you will get through this.
Marriage Missions’ Editors Note: We’re concluding this article by giving you additional thoughts that may help in this battle of rebuilding trust:
Added Advice for Rebuilding Trust:
• This advice is given by Dr Phil McGraw (on the Dr. Phil Show Drphil.com, “You’re Not the Person I Married” aired 12/5/02). Dr McGraw said this to a husband who had an affair:
“I’m going to tell you, one guy to another, if you really want this marriage to work, you gotta get real with her. And you’ve got to get real with yourself because you’re trying to gloss this over a little bit and hope that it goes away. But my wife told me something a long time ago that I’ve never forgotten. She said, ‘Women have a real long memory.’ And you have, brick by brick by brick, constructed a wall between the two of you with your past behavior. And I’ll tell you what it takes; if you hear not another word I say today, hear this, OK?
“Number one, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. They hide nothing, mentally, emotionally, physically, behaviorally. They’re an absolute open book. Whatever you want to know about me, I’m here. I’m completely, totally open. And unless and until you do that—and it’s not just a matter of ‘if he’s over eating pizza when he says he’s eating pizza’—it’s a matter of everything being honest and truthful with you. It starts with being totally open and totally transparent.
“The second thing—and this may be the most important—until she knows you have heard her, she will never, ever, ever get beyond what has happened. She needs to know that you get the gravity of what you have done. Until she gets to that place, she will never, ever, ever be anything but the picture of pain you’re looking at right now.”
• Another thought to consider for Rebuilding Trust:
“It’s difficult to forgive 10 gallons worth of hurt when your spouse is only asking for a pint of forgiveness.” (Dr Roger Barrier)
The hurting spouse needs to know that you understand the enormity of what has been inflicted upon them. But when they feel you understand—that you really, truly get it, and are absolutely sorry, then REAL healing and hope for a brighter future can come into the relationship. But be realistic; your timing and your spouse’s timing can be totally different. Patience is a biblical virtue, and it’s also a necessary one in these types of circumstances.
Scriptures to consider:
• He who conceals his sins does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)
• Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to act. (Proverbs 3:27)
• Jesus said, “If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” (Matthew 5:41)
• An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Proverbs 24:26)
• Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
In addition, the following advice can be helpful. It comes from the excellent book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (published by Zondervan Publishing). The first is:
To the spouse who had the affair:
• First and foremost, sever all contact with the third party immediately.
• To rebuild the trust you have broken with your partner, you need to establish clear boundaries.
• You must be willing to answer any questions from your spouse. This isn’t because your partner needs to know all the details of what went on; but they do need to know they have your willingness to give them the details.
• Openness to questioning shows respect, honor, and equality. It also shows that you can be trusted in the future.
To the spouse who has remained faithful:
• You should only ask questions if you really want the truth. If you can do it, it’s better to leave some things alone.
• You must also steer clear of the temptation down the road to use any information you ask for as a way to beat up your partner for other problems.
• Realize that it may take years to absorb the emotional impact of what has happened. Adultery isn’t something you can get over quickly. It’s important to give yourself plenty of recovery time.”
Also, below are several links to articles posted on various web sites that can help you as you work to rebuild trust.
More Info to Read Regarding Rebuilding Trust:
• REBUILDING TRUST IN THE AFTERMATH OF AN AFFAIR
• IS IT POSSIBLE TO REBUILD TRUST AFTER UNFAITHFULNESS?
The first portion of this article came from the book, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
(NOTE: We agree with about 95% of what this book presents. We do, however, disagree with some of Michelle’s advice to couples who face an Internet Pornography problem. Even so, we recommend this book to couples because the rest of the advice is very helpful.)
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Surviving Infidelity
(USA) I have been unfaithful to my wife on several occasions over the years. I am grieving the hurt I’ve put her and my children through and found the advice on this article to be so helpful. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge on this tragic subject and reality in marriages, even among Christians.
(U.S.A) My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker even though he does not see it as an affair. I saw e-mails between them that lasted about 2 months. It has been a year now but I still feel so hurt and I tend to bring up the issue almost all the time. He has apologized and does not speak or work at the same place with the lady anymore. Some days I am fine, some days, I am so angry and the e-mails keep playing before my eyes. I am finding it extremely hard to believe anything he says.
Hi Angel, I feel for you. I am in a similar situation as you now. It’s so painful. Its been 2 months since this happened to me and we have been married 19 years. You and I will never forget the hurt we have been put through. But to forgive helps us release the hate and the tension within our hearts.
There are so many questions I want answered. Is it worth it? What will we do with those answers? Some people may call it being in denial, but I call it quit living in the past. My husband has told me the answer to the 2 most important questions I needed to have answers to. They were brutal but honest. I asked and I got the truth. Answers will lead to further questions. Dwelling on it leads to hatred. If we decide to stay as a family, it has to stop somewhere.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so hurt that I feel the physical pain pumping out of my heart. I’m sure I will feel as you do a year later, maybe even 2 years later. But, it’s time we let go and think positive. If your husband has come back to you remorsefully, he wants a long time commitment with you. His moment of weakness is over. Work hard at building your relationship back.
It’s easy to talk, hard to action. But we can do it. Take care and God bless. Jenny
(South Africa) It is difficult to get over the fact that your loving husband has been having an affair with someone who caused you a lot of pain before. It is especially difficult when you read correspondence between them that is very intimate and personal.
All that time he was a loving husband at home as well. I start wondering whether he has a split personality to be able to do that successfully. I wonder whether he can really get over her when their relationship was that intense. I really feel sorry for everyone who is going through the pain I am going through right now.
I do believe that God will help me carry it with dignity and eventually feel better. I love my husband very dearly and would like to stop thinking about them together and what she meant to him. I would like to be able to concentrate on rebuilding trust in our relationship
My husband had an affair from March -May of 08′ and then another one in December of 08′. He then continued with pursuing other women not even caring about them but just pursuing. I have been praying for trust. It is so hard. I have to keep reminding myself that God is using everything good and bad to bring Himself glory. It hurts so much and I want nothing more than healing. It’s hard to know how to go on.
(THE WEST INDIES) In 2005 my husband of eight years had an affair with his co-worker. He came one day and told me he was leaving me and our son, and he did. After 3 years of being apart he is asking me to take him back. I kept on praying and never gave up hope because what God has join together no one can pull apart. So for every marriage that is going through struggles don’t give up… It can only work if you work it.
(USA) My roommate is acting as if I had an affair. We were a couple for about 3 months and living together, then broke up and then a few months later became roommates for over 3 years.
When I began to date someone, I moved out. It’s now 6 months later and I am single and now the old roommate wants to be a couple but she acts as if I had an affair. As roommates she would not open up to her and I being a couple and even told me to go out, find a girl, be a man.
When I did she nearly had a stroke. This article AFTER THE AFFAIR is a great read for those who need to know the best things to do and say… not sure how it will help me, but I hope I never need to use the info.
(USA) This is a great site, thank you for creating it. MARRIAGE = DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP. I am truly touched via the posting on this forum, literally found by accident, but the sadness was to see how many people still seemingly believe one can forget and forgive, or love another’s child (from adultery). This post is from real life with a historical viewpoint which is based on facts.
We must go back 28 years ago for my history. We are a family– husband, daughter (1 yr old) and wife. The life is not unusual; matter of fact very “apple pie.” Summer 1981 it’s a hot one in Brooklyn, the wife of 7 years expresses honey need some time to relax as a mother. I granted her the freedom to be with her girlfriends. Well, this freedom was to be the entire summer of 1981.
I noticed her demeanor changed; she became so loving prior to going out for the evening. Why, can I cook you a meal? I gave daughter a bath etc. I do not know but a feeling came over me something wasn’t right. Why, anybody here who underwent this knows this and the yearning to ask. Then I guess guilt or who knows what but one night she literally called out in her sleep “Ohhh Gregory.”
I then asked her a week later “have you been cheating?” She responded yes; it was a guy called “Gregory” to whom she met dancing. The nightly freedom trysts became a habit. My wife would go dancing at the club, dancing with Gregory, drinking, dinner, then to his place for intercourse. Then back home to play mommy/wife again.
Well, I guess the next 4 months was the usual thing for a cheated on spouse. The rage, anger, hate and the feeling’s to forgive. There would be no sex, love and minimum talking.
Then the big explosion (LEARNING FOR THE FORUM). It became apparent the neighborhood, friends, relatives knew about the affair. So the affair was not private (or a so called one night fling) it was the discussion of many persons. The trysts became an alternate life by wife. I was to be pitied by women and laughed at by men. This came back to me via acquaintances over the years since this period.
FORUM: Over the years I learned this is a factor in decision making to stay/leave/hate or forgive. The cheating spouse wonders: was it a fling in private, a public affair, and God, with the internet — are your loved one’s pictures on a My Space or a Face Book site via a cell phone camera picture?
The next 2 years there would be no sex, love, holidays (personal and calendar). There would be discussions between us; she never wanted to be completely open always stating it’s in the past, why don’t you forget it? I was so tired of taking care of house and child, I needed a relaxation period.
My responses were you [are with] another guy, and I go to work sometimes for 16 hrs and have no thoughts of cheating on you. Then as another posted here, the man forced me to have sexual intercourse with him (THIS IS LAUGHABLE AS MANY TIMES TOLD HER TO CALL THE POLICE AND CHARGE RAPE SHE REFUSED). We supposedly are a couple I told her. The usual was no responses.
FORUM: THE FOLLOWING IS OFTEN EMPLOYED BY CHEATER, WHY CAN’T YOU GET OVER IT? THE OBVIOUSLY LET’S TURN IT AROUND; IT’S YOUR FAULT AND THE EVER GOOD, IT WAS FORCED SEX EXCUSE. I learned this over the years from many a professional counselor.
Well, it’s now 1982 there is nothing left. I guess God intervened this time. Go pour yourself a coffee or drink at this time. I was driving down the street and guess who comes out of a tavern with a man? It’s wifey poo. I kept driving and never addressed it.
But in the coming weeks I found out there would be no nightly trysts but sex replaced with behind dumpsters, junkyards or ever so convenient oral in car. This came from mutual friends, and was made factual over the years.
FORUM: ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED FROM MANY A COUNSELOR; THE CHEATING SPOUSE HAS TAKEN DOWN THE BOUNDARIES OF MARRIAGE. A FORGIVEN SPOUSE MAY NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR AGAIN, BUT THE PLUMBER IS GAME FOR A ONE TIME FLING. THE EXPRESSION ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER CAN BE VERY VERY APPLICABLE WHEN YOU CONSIDER A LIFETIME TOGETHER WITHOUT BOUNDARIES.
One day as she was coming down the stairs at home, she fell down the entire flight. There was to be no injury. I simply laughed out loud for a long and hard period. At this point I simply walked out of the home with nothing but my pride intact. IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH, DIVORCE ETC.
So who applied for the divorce, it was her not me, can you imagine this? Now get ready “Gregory moved in with her a week after my leaving.” There would be the usual application irreconcilable differences” as reason for divorce on paperwork. The adultery issue is worth nothing in court. Then the alimony and child support order in excess of 65% of my salary which further made myself a victim and hardship.
Well, as a professional I decided it was time to de-stress life so I got a SRO (single room occupancy) and got employment at a hamburger joint. The payments went from 623 a week to 55 a week. Why her recourse court again for an attempted amendment. The judge asked why “I simply responded I needed to have no responsibilities”. That was accepted.
FORUM: ANOTHER FACT LEARNED: EMPLOYMENT IS FROM SLOPPING HAMBURGERS TO HEART SURGERY IN DIVORCE COURT. IF YOU ARE A VICTIM PAYING HIGH ALIMONY OR SUPPORT, THERE IS NO NEED TO KEEP BEING THE VICTIM AS THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MENIAL WAGES OR EMPLOYMENT.
Thus this action started the inevitable that continues today. We would see each other briefly for the next year (NO REGRET ON HER PART), before I, with my new wife, decided to relocate. My happiness was to come in a 15 yr old teen, when we married I was 30 yrs old. That was 26 yrs ago, and today wife states “she has no concept of her mistakes” or loss in life.
CHILD=DESTRUCTION OF RELATIONSHIP
A phone call came 5 yrs ago from my daughter it was so hateful and vile. It wasn’t a missing dad one or an update. It was a bunch of rambling sentences. You left mom and me, you gave mom AIDs. How could you do this to mom and me? I am not your daughter.
Gee, I guess mom never told you about Gregory and her. I will be sending to you a million dollars today, since there is no cure for AIDS. I yelled at my wife “honey you have AIDS” and then I hung up.
Now for an historical view, there was suspicion that child was not mine. I am of Latin heritage, she heavily freckled and fair skin. The child had 0% of my attributes, but more of the Gregory fellow. The shocker is her old acquaintances confirmed may indeed not be mine, thus this may have been a factor in the destruction of family unit and her behavior.There has been no further contact with the child.
FORUM: IF YOU SUSPECT YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER GET A DNA HOME TEST KIT SOLD IN THE STORE, SIMPLY SWAB THE CHILD AND YOUR MOUTH AND SEND TO LAB, YOUR WIFE DOESN’T HAVE TO KNOW. YES, CANNOT BE TAKEN INTO COURT BUT WILL GIVE YOU THE BASIS FOR THE FORMAL PATERNITY TEST FOR DIVORCE OR OTHER ACTIONS YOU REQUIRE.
WOMEN WHOM HAVE ANOTHER MAN’S CHILD IN MARRIAGE WERE FOR CENTURIES WERE DISOWNED BY LOVED ONES. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE ACCEPTANCE OF ANOTHER MANS SPERM IN A WIFE FOR CHILDBEARING IS NOT ONLY MORALLY WRONG, BUT IN VIOLATION OF NATURAL STATE. WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER MAN CHILD TO WHOM MAY HAVE DIED OR LEFT, WE ARE TALKING ADULTERY AND ANOTHER MAN’S BABY.
Conclusion with 26 year historical view with professional overview and concurrence:There really is no forgiving/forgetting. It really should be called “festering” for life, suspicion for life, never knowing for life. There is the fact, the cheated on spouse may silently suffer the mental torment, while smiling on the outside.
A cheater is always a cheater, the ability to have others without feeling as the boundaries are gone. DNA is critical to child bearing, there is no such thing as raising another’s child, especially in marriage. We are animals and as such if we were not advanced via evolution would kill the offspring of another. The raising of another man’s child in many states is more of a commitment in years than serving a prison sentence for murder.
An old practice made illegal in the 1900’s a wife could undergo genital mutilation as a form of commitment, while I am not a supporter of such practices it offers the spouse certainty of continued marriage vows commitment and in the past not an issue to woman to whom cheated.
TODAY PERSONAL UPDATE:
Ex Wife:
Has AIDS
2 illegitimate children
Lost home and all belonging’s
Gregory was an abuser and beat her on regular basis; they divorced 12 yrs ago with protection orders.
Lives on social services.
Daughter became pregnant at 16 and now lives with illegals.
Myself:
Happily married to my wife for 26 yrs.
2 grown out of house children.
Having the wisdom to know decisions made correct.
Conclusion:
Old time beliefs are good, and proven.
Political correct beliefs or marriage hype based on feel good new wave today’s wisdom leave many that live them in complete misery, I personally have known no less the 20 couples over the years.
Thank you for reading, it’s been a long long journey but one well worth it. I have learned from many professionals, fellow victims and reading’s to take old pain and foster them to new strengths which in turn have made my marriage very strong. There is time for the heart to make decision and the brain to do the same. The brain in the case of adultery should be the first.
It’s amazing how one micro second in decision making can cost ones future.
(USA) One micro second can cost an entire family everything! Wow, to your post. Living well is the best revenge and it appears that God took care of everything just as he says he will. If, we will step out of his way. People do get their “Karma” as the world puts it but I prefer to rely on God who is always a sure thing and He says that “whatever we sow, we will reap”. Plant seeds of wicked, be prepared for a harvest of wicked and vice versa.
I’m truly thankful that your life turned out as it did and I thank you for sharing this. Peace :)
(ZIMBABWE) I lost my wife in death in 2001 and in 2002 started dating someone else. I truly fell in love with her and in 2003 wanted to marry her. She turned me down claiming I wasn’t ready for marriage as I still seemed to be mourning my late wife. I was disappointed but still continued in the relationship. Several times since then I have asked her for marriage but it has not been granted.
Two years ago I got emotionally involved with my workmate who I used to confide in regarding my failures to get married. This year she got pregnant and as a result I ended the relationship and really don’t want to have anything to do with her. I have felt cheated into pregnancy as this was the first time we had sexual relations without protection and it was at her insistance that we didn’t use protection.
She then insisted I confess to the woman I want to marry. I did this confession and my woman decided to terminate the relationship. I am so devastated by the loss of the woman that I have loved for eight years and would like to have her back. I don’t know how but I just want my woman back. I hate this whole thing and just wish I could reverse it. I don’t want anyother woman but my woman whom I have loved this long. She has cut off all communication. I cry everyday for her and just want her back in my life. I truly regret what I have done and would do anything to get her back. If anyone has any suggestions please help as I need my best friend back.
(USA) I’m really sorry about all of this, but you say nothing of the child you helped make. You hold as much responsibility as she does for what happened. When someone cheats on their spouse they are saying (in my opinion anyway and I’ve been cheated on) “I do not want you anymore. I’m done and have found another.”
I would suggest committing this ALL to God and stepping up to the plate for your innocent baby, a gift from God. The pregnancy may have been a mistake but that baby is not! Then, and most likely only then, will God begin to work. Believe me, I know that is not the answer we want when we are hurting like this and I’m sorry.
The good news is that God is real and His promises are true. We must confess all to him and anyone we’ve crossed and then comes repentance which means to “do it no more”. Then God will work. Prayers for you and all involved.
(USA) I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. In those yrs. we had problems with his family (they don’t like me). They have no reasons for their dislike, except that my husband negatively talks about me to them that he denies. It became such a problem due to the rejections of the family that he loves DEARLY that I left and went to another state for four months, thinking that he would see the light, regarding his family and me and to put me first instead of his sisters.
It just added fuel to the fire. He had a sexual affair, as well as an emotional affair, that he only told part of the truth about. He said he was sorry one time and showed no remorse. The major thing with me is the constant lying. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he just wants to sweep it under the rug. As for his family they want us apart and to destroy me in the process. To me, he is protecting the emotional affair by all cost. He states he wants his marriage by mouth but no actions. I want him to come clean. He states that he doesn’t want to talk about it because I can use the info against him in a divorce.
(S. AFRICA) This has been the most difficult year of my life. My husband left me (after having two previous affairs) in Feb 2009 for another woman. He has been living in another country on a working contract and has not come home once to visit me. He has instead flown to be with her during his breaks.
After 35 years of marriage he now wants a divorce. He has been positively cruel in his rejection of me and shown no interest in any problems back here at home. At the moment I have no idea where he is as he never contacts me unless it is to talk “divorce”. He said he was resigning from his job and I am not sure if this is true as he lies about everything. I have however, been receiving monthly financial support from him for which I am very grateful.
My Question is this: On the 26th Dec 2009 I suddenly got an e-mail from his affair partner saying she does not want to have anything more to do with my husband and he is on his way home. He was “holidaying with her at the time in New Zealand.” I was so shocked to receive this news. My first reaction was to fall on my knees to God and thank him for answered prayers.
Then on the same day I received a phone call from my husband saying he was flying home and would arrive back on the Monday 28th Dec. He promised to never ever leave me again but could not say the words “I love you”. His reason for this was that I would not believe him.
The problem I faced was a) He has returned home twice already over the past few years and has hurt me again every time. b) I had already planned to leave the very next day to holiday with friends and family – a much needed break after the trials of the year.
So I told him I was going away the next day and would not be here when he arrived. I asked him to find somewhere to stay for the week and we would talk when I got back. He then asked me to leave the keys of the house with a friend. I refused and told him we had much to talk about first and we would get together when I returned from my holiday.
Needless to say I have never heard from him again. He has not returned to S. Africa as far as I know. I did however, receive another e-mail from his affair partner saying “Guess what? He is back with me; he will not be leaving as planned.”
What did I do wrong? My heart wants “the man I married” back. The advice I am getting from family and friends is “you deserve better” “he will just hurt you again” “he can never be trusted” etc etc. My God tells my to forget and forgive 70 x 7. I believe God answered my prayers and I have blown it. PLEASE HELP.
(USA) Rose, Just reading your post (8/21/12). Maybe God answered your prayers in a fashion not anticipated by you. Maybe the removal of the ex from your life was a better thing than continued rejection and hurt? I don’t know. I hope you’ve found a way to grasp happiness despite heartbreak and confusion. -Lee
(USA) Been married for 29 years to the love of my life. We have 3 grown childen, 2 at home in college, 1 married. Have been having tension in our marriage for the last 5 years. I caught my husband having what you would probably call an online affair which he totally denied. I never checked up on him in the past. I never felt he would be dishonest and he had all the freedom anyone could want.
I could write a book on all the hurt and issues this has caused. I have finally gotten past it. Now he has no respect. We argue over almost everything, mainly money. My biggest problem is he never apologizes after any argument. If he is wrong, he never apologizes. He says hurtful things. I’ve said things in the heat of an argument and have said bad things to him as well but I will apologize if I’m wrong.
Long story short, he has no respect for me any more, hurts me with his words and thinks he is always right and he told me last week he loved me but didn’t want to be married to me. And the next day says as long as we don’t fight he wants me to be here. I’m lost and don’t know where I stand in my marriage. I love my husband and don’t want a divorce but his words make me feel so alone and afraid of our future together. I need advice please.
(US) My husband has had a problem in the past with being able to stay faithful , he had been seeing someone else while I was pregnant with our child, and I knew the whole time never had proof. I knew in my heart what was going on.
After taking a break after the baby was born, he came back home and wanted to work things out so we tried. I still couldn’t see my life without him in it, but at the same time the smallest thing from a smell to a song to passing someplace through town would bring back memories of what he had done and the pain that it caused would all come rushing back to me at once and we tried so many different things to get through this, but I felt in my heart that maybe if we stopped and he told me himself to my face everything he had done down to the details so I would know and never be reminded and wonder how did this happen are why did this happen. Then maybe I would be able to forget about it.
So we agreed to try this and at first after he told me everything I thought maybe it was a bad idea because it hurt so bad, but after the next few days it got easier day by day. Now it’s been a year passed by since he was honest with me and I haven’t forgotten what he did, but our relationship is better than it was before. He hasn’t given me a reason not to trust him, and I feel in my heart now that he wouldn’t put me through that again. I believe after he saw the pain it caused me he would have enough respect to tell me before he was to act out if he wasn’t happy at home anymore.
(GHANA) Dicsovered my husband of 11 years had been having an affair for the past 6 years and now has a child with the woman. I have lost all the love I have for him and don’t think I can rekindle it or it can be rekindled. He acts as if all is well and just assumes by him saying he is sorry, all is well and done. His family is actually happy because they have never liked me. I am ready to leave the paper work done. I can’t live without the trust being there. It is so, so impossible.
(CANADA) I found out 2 weeks before Christmas that my husband of 21 years had a 3 year long distance relationship with an ex-girlfriend. She would travel here and meet him in hotels. I had no idea until he told me. I was extremely hurt. He said he was sorry and that he would make it up to me for the rest of his life. Its been 4 months now and the roller coaster ride has been so emotional. He has done everything right…cut all ties with her; he’s been transparent; answers all my questions, even when he thinks I don’t want to know; he’s been VERY PATIENT with me; his attitude towards us and our life HAS changed.
I feel the anger getting less and less, but I get triggers from watching movies; innocent discussions that remind me of what he did and I go off. I absolutely hate that I cannot control my out bursts of anger and hurt. Before I found out I was confident, now I’m insecure and I hate it. He always tells me he is sorry; he loves me; that he’ll never hurt me again this way; I just wish my head would stop “thinking” so much. I know I’m being inpatient, but the hurt that I feel is just so intense sometimes that I don’t want to feel that pain anymore, but those triggers happen. I know I love him and I could never see us apart…I just wish this never happened.
What I also found out was a lot about why he did it, what was wrong between us. He said “nothing” and it was all him. He was feeling low in his life and she re-appeared at the right, but wrong time. The whole blame isn’t just him. He felt that I didn’t listen to him and brushed him off. He felt that I was better than him and that I didn’t NEED him anymore, yet I needed him daily he just didn’t see it. He felt his life was doing a downward spiral and he had no control in his life. I now know how much I have to change for him too. I have to listen more and communicate more, but I know it was his affair that opened my eyes and ears. One day we will be stronger and I believe that whole heartedly.
(SOUTH AFRICA) It’s not only pain of the offense, it’s also the lies that followed. I messed up in our marriage, but this extra mural activity of hers has done more damage than what she knows. I don’t hope this on anyone. I’m tired of feeling like this. I was faithful, why must I battle? Lord, please help us.