I’ve worked with couples who don’t survive infidelity. There are many reasons they don’t. There is one consistent theme, that ran through these marriages. The person who had the affair didn’t commit to be monogamous in the future. S/he never said, “I won’t do this again; I promise.” Some people fail to say these words because they think it’s self-evident. Others don’t promise this change because they’re too proud. Rebuilding trust is difficult under these circumstances.
Whatever the reason, failing to promise monogamy makes your partner wonder whether the two of you are on the same page about the future of your marriage. So, don’t hold back. If you are honestly committed, let your partner know, in no uncertain terms, that it is your plan to be completely monogamous.
Rebuilding Trust: Share Details
If your spouse is the sort of person who requires lots of information in order to feel better about the affair, you should be honest. I know this is very difficult and you may be tempted to withhold information, thinking that you’re protecting your spouse. But many in your spouse’s shoes have said that the worst part of the infidelity were the lies and deception that followed the disclosure. It’s time for you to come clean and clear the air. As tough as that might be, it’s a lot easier than lying, covering up, and being discovered again. That corrodes trust tremendously. So share, even if it hurts.
Sometimes you’ll question whether sharing information is a good idea.
You wonder this because your spouse reacts so badly to the things you’ve said. But if your spouse determines that the road to recovery is paved with brutal honesty, that’s the path you need to take. It’s important to do this, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. There will be times when the two of you will feel close as a result of this new honesty and you’ll begin to feel that your truthfulness has really paid off. Then, just when you thought you were out of the woods and the questions would cease, a whole new slew of questions gets thrown your way. You feel as if you’re getting the third degree.
Remember, healing is a process, not a quick fix.
Just because your spouse was fine on Monday doesn’t mean s/he will be fine on Thursday. It also doesn’t mean that sharing information isn’t working. Some people think, “I told him/her what happened. If that was so useful, why is s/he still having a problem and needing to talk about it constantly? That’s just the way improvement happens … in waves. You need to continue to be forthcoming, from now until forever.
OFFER REASSURANCES:
Even though you have decided to turn over a new leaf, your spouse is still reacting to what happened. This is completely normal, for now, you owe it to your partner and to yourself to bend over backward to prove your trustworthiness.
You might be thinking to yourself, “I decided to stop the affair and become trustworthy. I don’t know why s/he just doesn’t trust me now.” The reason is your spouse is feeling very insecure right now and needs all the help you give him/her to get back on stable ground. You need to extend yourself—even if you don’t think you should have to—to help your spouse feel more secure. Along these lines, do what your spouse asks. Here are some things s/he might ask of you:
• Call from work often.
• Limit out-of-town travel temporarily.
• Offer complete travel itineraries and phone numbers.
• Talk about your day in detail.
• Spend more time together.
• Be willing to answer any and all questions about the OP and about your whereabouts.
Remember, once your spouse feels more trust in you and in your marriage, many of these requests will stop.
EXPECT UPS AND DOWNS:
I really want to emphasize this point. The road to recovery is a zigzag, not a straight line. At first, the bad days will definitely outnumber the good ones. In fact, there may not be any good days to speak of. But slowly, as you begin to talk and make sense of what happened, you will have your positive moments. Moments will turn into days. Then, you will actually have a stretch of a few good days at a time. Just when you start to get optimistic something will happen that will remind your spouse about the affair and bring back those unpleasant feelings.
This rockiness and instability will occur for a very long time. You need to expect that. It doesn’t mean that this problem is insurmountable. What it means is that this problem is still being resolved. But it happens slowly, much too slowly for you. And what should you do in the meantime?
BE PATIENT:
You might feel a great deal of remorse about what happened. Even so, there will be times when you have a hard time understanding why your spouse seems intent on hanging on to the affair. From your standpoint, the whole thing is over and you want to just move on. However, if you convey this emotion to your spouse, s/he will feel that you’re not empathetic, that you have no idea what s/he has been going through, and that will set both of you back considerably.
I realize that your need to move on has little to do with your insensitivity. One of the primary reasons you want to put the past in the past, is because you don’t want to see the hurt on your partner’s face any longer. But be that as it may, you have to move at your spouse’s pace. You won’t be able to speed things along with your anger.
Continue to answer questions and be reassuring.
If your spouse still wants to know where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing, continue offering information. It won’t last forever, even though it seems that way right now. This is a transitional period. There has been major breach of trust and it takes time to heal. Be patient, be loving, be responsive, and you will get through this.
Marriage Missions’ Editors Note: We’re concluding this article by giving you additional thoughts that may help in this battle of rebuilding trust:
Added Advice for Rebuilding Trust:
• This advice is given by Dr Phil McGraw (on the Dr. Phil Show Drphil.com, “You’re Not the Person I Married” aired 12/5/02). Dr McGraw said this to a husband who had an affair:
“I’m going to tell you, one guy to another, if you really want this marriage to work, you gotta get real with her. And you’ve got to get real with yourself because you’re trying to gloss this over a little bit and hope that it goes away. But my wife told me something a long time ago that I’ve never forgotten. She said, ‘Women have a real long memory.’ And you have, brick by brick by brick, constructed a wall between the two of you with your past behavior. And I’ll tell you what it takes; if you hear not another word I say today, hear this, OK?
“Number one, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. They hide nothing, mentally, emotionally, physically, behaviorally. They’re an absolute open book. Whatever you want to know about me, I’m here. I’m completely, totally open. And unless and until you do that—and it’s not just a matter of ‘if he’s over eating pizza when he says he’s eating pizza’—it’s a matter of everything being honest and truthful with you. It starts with being totally open and totally transparent.
“The second thing—and this may be the most important—until she knows you have heard her, she will never, ever, ever get beyond what has happened. She needs to know that you get the gravity of what you have done. Until she gets to that place, she will never, ever, ever be anything but the picture of pain you’re looking at right now.”
• Another thought to consider for Rebuilding Trust:
“It’s difficult to forgive 10 gallons worth of hurt when your spouse is only asking for a pint of forgiveness.” (Dr Roger Barrier)
The hurting spouse needs to know that you understand the enormity of what has been inflicted upon them. But when they feel you understand—that you really, truly get it, and are absolutely sorry, then REAL healing and hope for a brighter future can come into the relationship. But be realistic; your timing and your spouse’s timing can be totally different. Patience is a biblical virtue, and it’s also a necessary one in these types of circumstances.
Scriptures to consider:
• He who conceals his sins does not prosper but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (Proverbs 28:13)
• Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it is in your power to act. (Proverbs 3:27)
• Jesus said, “If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” (Matthew 5:41)
• An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Proverbs 24:26)
• Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
In addition, the following advice can be helpful. It comes from the excellent book, When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (published by Zondervan Publishing). The first is:
To the spouse who had the affair:
• First and foremost, sever all contact with the third party immediately.
• To rebuild the trust you have broken with your partner, you need to establish clear boundaries.
• You must be willing to answer any questions from your spouse. This isn’t because your partner needs to know all the details of what went on; but they do need to know they have your willingness to give them the details.
• Openness to questioning shows respect, honor, and equality. It also shows that you can be trusted in the future.
To the spouse who has remained faithful:
• You should only ask questions if you really want the truth. If you can do it, it’s better to leave some things alone.
• You must also steer clear of the temptation down the road to use any information you ask for as a way to beat up your partner for other problems.
• Realize that it may take years to absorb the emotional impact of what has happened. Adultery isn’t something you can get over quickly. It’s important to give yourself plenty of recovery time.”
Also, below are several links to articles posted on various web sites that can help you as you work to rebuild trust.
More Info to Read Regarding Rebuilding Trust:
• REBUILDING TRUST IN THE AFTERMATH OF AN AFFAIR
• IS IT POSSIBLE TO REBUILD TRUST AFTER UNFAITHFULNESS?
The first portion of this article came from the book, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
(NOTE: We agree with about 95% of what this book presents. We do, however, disagree with some of Michelle’s advice to couples who face an Internet Pornography problem. Even so, we recommend this book to couples because the rest of the advice is very helpful.)
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Surviving Infidelity
(UK) What do you do when your husband feels like you should be ‘over it’ already? My husband tried so hard initially and it was really wonderful to see him wanting to make things right. He still keeps all his accounts open to me, which is a great help and we’ve been getting along great. But every time I try to talk about how I feel about it or I’m worried about something, he hates me bringing it up, or says “I’m gonna go…” and logs off (we have a long distance marriage so we talk online).
Now he’s not sure if he wants to be with me anymore after an argument, and I feel like our marriage is hanging in the balance and he’s deciding what to do with it.
I had a feeling he would get frustrated with me not healing quick enough or wanting to talk about it but he promised he wouldn’t and I believed it. I feel lied to; I feel like I have to hold in everything I feel to avoid him leaving me or having another affair. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m so upset. I stayed with him after he betrayed me and I supported him in his addiction recovery, but now he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore?!
(USA) Dear GG, Bless your heart! I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place in your marriage –having been betrayed by your husband and now he is trying to decide for you that you “should be over it already!” How tremendously sad. Yes, he may be “over it” already, but that doesn’t mean that you are. After all, aren’t YOU the victim here? Isn’t HE the one who had a fling and stepped out of the marriage and made a bed with someone else? It’s nice that he was “wonderful” initially, in trying to help you get through this. And it’s good that he still “keeps all his accounts open” to this day, but if he’s really serious about reconciling your marriage, then impatience on his part is NOT what will get your relationship there.
There are two articles (among many others, as well as links to helpful web sites and recommended resources) that I hope you will read on this web site. They are posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. One is titled, “Strategies for Surviving Infidelity.” It’s an article I wrote and has links to additional articles to read and a book to read as well. After praying about what to write to another woman who was struggling after her husband committed adultery, I wrote this article after receiving insights the Lord gave me. As it explains, when another spouse has betrayed you, it’s like trying to recover from a heart attack, actually, a type of almost stab wound to the heart. Healing is different for every patient and there is no set time for it to be “over.” Please read the article. Perhaps it will give you words to explain to your husband the gravity of your heart injury.
Also, there is another article posted in that topic titled, “Rebuilding Your Marriage After YOU Had the Affair.” This article would be good for your husband to read. The quotes come from those who had committed adultery themselves and write from first hand experiences, plus experiences in counseling others. It lays out how important it is to go more than the extra mile in working for reconciliation. There are additional articles linked to this one so it is pretty thorough. If there is ANY way you can get your husband to read this, I recommend it.
Your husband started out in the right direction, apparently at the right pace, but to quit before getting to a winning place in your marriage, not allowing you the time you need to be at that “winning” place, both for your marriage and your peace of mind, is totally unfair and cheats you and your relationship to the nth degree.
I have to be honest, GG. I don’t know if your marriage will survive the damage done by your husband’s affair. I hope so, I pray so. But in order for your marriage to survive, and in order to grow your marriage relationship into one where trust and love blooms again and allows stability in your commitment to re-cement (this time permanently), your husband has to do more than just run a satisfying race in the beginning of your reconciliation process. That was a sprint run. He needs to commit to be a marathon runner, and man up to do what it takes to help heal your heart –going more than the extra mile. How I hope he will.
He needs to commit to being a marriage partner with you –not just staying and working on your marriage as long as things are comfortable for him. He has to be committed to making you comfortable and fulfilled, as well. That’s what marriage is all about. You will find all kinds of articles on our web site that can help both of you take your marriage to a whole new level, once you’re able to work through more of the issues that compromised your trust and security in being married to your husband. How I hope you will BOTH do what it takes to become students of marriage and your relationship. It’s WELL worth whatever work you put into it! I pray for you GG — for healing for your heart, and I pray for your husband to have the courage to work WITH you on rebuilding your marriage and not bailing out when things get tough.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Thank you SO much for your response! I very much appreciate the support and the prayers. Things aren’t looking so great for us at the moment. I won’t go into too much detail but it’s a very confusing exhausting situation… your response has definitely spoken to me so thank you again :) God Bless x
(USA) I have been married to my husband for 16 years and we share three wonderful children. My husband has to travel a great deal for his work and I had always suspected an affair. My thoughts were confirmed when I read an email on his smart phone. Although he has apologized and said he will do anything to save our marriage… I don’t think it is enough.
It angers me when I see him happily in our home with our children as if he doesn’t have to be accountable for his actions. I have told him this and he still does nothing to show me that he is truly sorry and wants to work at this relationship. I just don’t see it and the anger is leading me toward considering divorce. I am too strong and independent to be the one trying to convince him to do what is right. Life is just too short and I am not a sad person by nature.
(NIGERIA) I am happy abut this lesson of yours. I would like to have your advice. I am not married yet but I was dating a lady, but not 100% single. The lady is double dating. Recently, she came back to me pleading after I discovered. What is your advice to me? God bless you for the teaching. I would like to be on your team in spirit and in person.
(USA) My husband had an emotional affair with a girl on the computer. I found out by accident, and when I asked questions he got very mad and tried to turn the tables on me, that I was a snoop and that if I wouldn’t have ever found out he was talking to her, things would be fine. I could feel him pulling away prior to this. He blamed it on me, saying that I didn’t show him enough attention, and if I don’t, someone is going to.
He is unemployed. I work 2 jobs to support our kids and rarely have a day off. I can’t help that I wasn’t showing him enough attention. After working 60-70 hour work weeks I’d get home and be exhausted. He kept blaming it on me and I just couldn’t get it. I gave him ultimatum. Either me or this internet girl. I thought it would be an easy choice. We’ve been married almost 7 years, together over 10, and this girl he had known for 6 days. Apparently everytime I left for work they were on the phone like glue the whole time, and talking online. She would send him provocative photos in her lingere. He still didn’t see anything wrong with this since he kept saying she lived in another state so it’s not like he could go sleep with her, so he didn’t feel it was cheating.
Well when given the ultimatum, he said he wanted to try to pursue things with her first and see how they went before he decided to stay married to me. I’m 6 years younger than my husband, but then found out this girl is 12 years younger, so needless to say I suddenly felt like I was too old for him.
Well, the next day he supposedly changed his mind and wanted me and chose me and supposedly had a conversation with her on the phone cutting ties. I wanted proof and wanted to be there to witness the conversation for closure, and he said he needed privacy, because I took that away from him (by accidentally coming across her photos all over the computer) and I was just going to have to trust him. I didn’t trust him, but I tried. I let him “end it” his own way.
A week went by and I thought things were going great. We were hanging out every night and being intimate. Stupid me. He ran to the corner store before I left for work and must’ve forgotten to log off of his facebook. I went to the website and it had him still logged in, and luck would have it she happened to message him that exact moment. He had sent her a message something like, “Hey baby, I’ll call you when my wife leaves for work.” And she talked about saving up enough money to come visit next month. He called her sexy with her new glasses, and she sent him another picture with “new lingere”. But yet this is harmless to him?
So when he got home I confronted him and again he turned the tables to me being a snoop. He said he knew what he was doing and he was going to try to get her to stop liking him so her feelings would be spared, but that he had no intentions romantically or physically with her. In short, he thought I was stupid, which was really insulting. And if it’s the truth it’s even more insulting that he cared more about a girl he’s known for 2 weeks’ feelings than his own wife’s. So I demanded this time he end it and with me right there and that he block her from facebook. This time he did it with little resistance, and told her he loves his wife and needs to focus on us and can’t be doing this anymore with her. Oh come to find out she told him she loved him the other day, so this wasn’t harmless by far.
So anyway, I don’t know if she knew I was there or thought he wasn’t for real, because she called back like 20 minutes later. He said he picked up the phone and said he can’t talk to her anymore and hung up. But me being skeptical I called her back and told her to have some respect and not to call my home where I reside with my husband and children ever again. Probably not the smartest decision on my part but I was running on emotions and anger and hurt and I just wanted to take it all out on her. She hung up on me.
He says it’s over for real this time and that it wasn’t worth it. But I don’t know how I can believe that it really is over for real this time, or that it’s not going to happen again with someone else. I think what bothers me the most is the sneaking and lying, and the fact that in all of this I feel like he should be begging me for forgiveness and showing me he’s sorry, but instead he’s acting mad and annoyed that I’m not over it yet, when this literally just happened a few hours ago. He said that he set his sites on wanting to “bang” her and that’s why he couldn’t let go talking to her. He said when he first stopped talking to her last week he had every intention for it to be over, but then a few days after she messaged him again talking about how hurt she was.
This infuriates me because during that time I thought me and him were rebuilding our connection. We talked about plans. He even went through great lengths to talk to a friend who customizes jewelry to get our wedding rings redone. I don’t get it. Does this sound like someone who loves their wife? He says he’s into a different look now and I’m in the “Mom” category, but that that’s who I am and he doesn’t want me to change and he is still sexually attracted to me. How is this supposed to make me ever feel better about myself? He says she said she will do things with him that I wouldn’t be willing to do. But yet he still feels that this wasn’t cheating. I can’t help but feel like this relationship is doomed. I wanted it to work with every fiber of my heart and soul but I can’t keep letting him walk all over me.
(USA) God is a God of Restoration! Before my husband and I got together, he was in a “relationship” with a woman who lived in another country! They were pen pals while he was in prison for 13.5yrs! He promised to marry her and promised to bring her to our country! When he was released from thr DOC (Department of Corrections) in 2008 he took a vacation to Malaysia to see her and to offically asked for her hand in marriage! Two week visit and back to the USA! That was March of 2008! I met him in a local mom and pop store in our very small town at the end of April 2008! A friend who worked there knew him and his family and I told her to tell him I thought he was cute and to give me a call and I had her give me his number as well as mine! 2 days later he calls me, I was so excited! I knew it was him because I had his number in my phone! He asked me to go on a date with him and I said yes! We went out that Friday night, sang Karaoke together, found out that we both liked the same things and had similar growing up lives! I had never had so much in common with anyone my whole life! He kissed me goodbye as we parted that evening and I really enjoyed that! Later that next week, his mother told him to tell me about this other person (woman from Malaysia). He did tell me about her. He was very honest with me about her! I told him I didn’t think God wanted for them to be together because he wanted to show him, even your past can’t stop you from finding love where you live! He felt his past was so bad that he would never be loved and because they were pen pal and she accepted his past, she was the one! While he was in prison, he wanted to kill himself and she convinced him to be strong for them! So he felt emotionally indebted to her!
Well, we were falling in love with each other; we were having fun going camping and all kinds of outdoor activites. All this time, he was emailing her, making phone calls and lying to her in front of me! Having his mom lie to her so we wouldn’t have to deal with the phone call! She would make him feel guilty in emails and say her friends and family tell her that he must have another woman, becuase western men can’t go that long without a woman! He of course, would lie to her! I told him if he truly loved her as much as he says he does, then he would have remained faithful to her no matter what and I came into the picture because we had to meet for a reason!
Well, 3 years into our relationship, he tells me that his fiancé’s Visa was approved. I didn’t really think it would ever be! That was April 2010! At the end of June he moved to Tennessee to live at his Mom’s place and to have her come be with him! July he called me crying and wanting me to come see him one more time before she comes and I did. I wanted to prove to him that I loved him! I wanted to give him something to think about! August she was to be there, I later found out he actually flew over there to be with her bacause the Visa was denied, just as I thought! He kept in contact via email while he was gone and I made a decision to pray about all of this. I told God I was willing to let him go. I asked God if it be God’s will have him make up his mind who he should be with. If it be God’s will for him to marry her, he stays there. If it be God’s will, he comes back to me to marry! September came and he told me he loves me and wanted to marry me and was coming home in October! I trusted God and I was willing to let him GO! I remained faithful to him the whole time he was gone!
When he came back, he was drinking pretty heavy, checking out on me! I couldn’t undestand why he was doing this, he chose me, he said he loved me more, so I couldn’t understand what was going on! He still loved her, he told me that he had told her about me! Well, I guess he mentioned me in a different way, he didn’t want to hurt her by saying I had a girlfriend for 3 yrs and I love her. I came here to see if my feelings for you were stronger, but they are not and I am truly Sorry! Noooo, he had to tell her he is dying of lung cancer and he had to come back to the states to be with his mom! He lead her to believe he had died because in her culture and the way she was, she would not move on and find someone else to love! He was suffering the loss when he ended communication to her! I didn’t like what he said and did to her, but oddly I understood why! He wanted to move on without having to worry about her anymore!
Well, the truth always comes out! Febuary 2011 His Mom stayed in contact with her, because he asked her to to find out if she was ok! Mom accidently told her he was still alive and to forgive him no matter what, but to leave him alone and not make contact with him. He didn’t want to hurt her! BTW when he came back, she all of a sudden said she has breast cancer and was going through chemo, a lie as well in hopes he would come back! So he worried about her for a while till I convinced his Mom that her story wasn’t adding up! I was right! She admitted to his Mom she didn’t have cancer! Desperate!
Well, we got married in June 2011! Things were as they should be! His Mom got ill and died in December on the 4th from CDIFF! On December 24,2011 she had sent him an email telling him that she knew he was alive because mom slipped up and she wanted to let him know she forgave him no matter what and still loved him very much! He shared that email with me and I was very mad over it. He told me he would not respond to her email! He asked me to not communicate to her at all, he wanted this go away! Earlier that day, I went to the emergency room. I thought I was having a heart attack. I tried to call him, no answer, txt, no reply, got his brother to call and txt and nothing. As I sat in ER his brother’s girlfriend was with me, I opened up his email to see if there was a reason why he wasn’t returning my urgent calls and txt messages! I saw that email before he shared it with me. He ignored me because of her!
So, out of anger and hurt I emailed her, and told her it was sad about Mom dying and told her that he was very much alive and well and we got married in June and asked her to stop all communication with him! I told her I will know if they do communicate because I watch the cell phone bill and I have all his email passwords! Come to find out, she emailed me back saying she would honor that! Well, behind my back she forwarded my message to him and he created a secret email account so they could communicate! I didn’t find out about this until one night he was drunk and he told me about knowing about the email I had sent to her! He acted as if I cheated on him! I apologized to him for that later on, even as he kept the lines of communication open to her. Low and behold after she found out through him I knew, she suddenly has her sister send him an email on his secret account telling him that she tried to kill herself by taking a bunch of sleeping pills, when her sister and mother got to her house, she was laying on the floor saying “mom Nancy, I come for you!” Nancy is his mom! That was 4 months after my email while he was secretly communicating! All of a sudden! Well, her sister kept in contact with him on how she was doing and when she would be home! He blamed me for that, he tried to say if I hadn’t sent that email, she never would have tried to do that! Well, all the years they emailed and wrote to each other, she always tried to hold him emotionally hostage by threatening suicide and never did! I asked him to stop communicating with her and he said he had to do it his way, to end it and it would have to be handled gently! I told him I didn’t want to have her in our married lives as we go through our 1 yr anniversary!
Well, In June I was on the phone with my son and he asked me to look up a websight to view his anama cartoons he created and when I opened it up, there sat the private email account open for me to read! I was hurt, angry and I wanted to email her using his account to let her know I have finally caught her and she is a liar and she has no honor ect! Instead, I called a prayer line and I told the lady what had happened and she prayed the bloodline of Jesus over our marriage, that no one can cross that bloodline and told me to take my power back! I did not understand what she ment by that exactly! Well, I tried calling other prayer lines because I needed more relief from how I was feeling, I couldn’t get through to any others, so I called that same on back and I started telling this lady what I was feeling and she said “Girl! You didn’t believe a word I said did you?” I told her it’s not that I didn’t believe what she said, I felt I needed more prayer for how I was feeling. She told me to “Take your Power Back!” and call us some other time and hung up on me! I couldn’t believe I got her Twice!
Well, as the email was still up and instant message popped up from her! Once again an opportunity to blast her, instead I know God just has me tell her, my wife is home! She said she was sorry and left him alone for that time! My husband comes in the door a little later and I said to him “I guess God wanted me to see this!” He said, see what? I told him he left the email account to her up so I read some of the emails and I was hurt that he would tell her he still loved her and he missed her too! I felt my spirit arise in me and I told him that I am taking my power back in this! I told him I had plenty of time to say some really mean and hateful things to her, but lucky for him, I went to God to see how to handle this! I told him he has a responsibility to me and to God, not her. He married me, not her, he had a choice and he chose me. She was a thorn in our side and he had to end it today! I reminded him that he is the head of our household and he has to answer to God about all this! I told him that I was leaving and he better call me when it was done! So I left and went to the park!
About an half hour later, he txt me to say the email is gone and it is over and he loves me! I called him right after and he said he didn’t want to lose me! I asked him about the email and he said send it a message and it will prove it is done! I did and I got an email saying it was an invalid account! I asked him about the phone calls and he said don’t worry about it! So, I trusted him and he didn’t have his phone on him all the time. I started to feel secure and we were getting a lot from church, all seemed great! He submitted himself to God and he didn’t drink or smoke for 4 days and all of a sudden, he was getting drunk, irrational and he would run off on me. One night in August he took of on his motorcycle. He told me he was leaving for a day or so and I didn’t chase him down, or blow up his cellphone, all I did was run to a prayer chain and to God! I felt calm! About 11 pm he calls me and tells me he has gotten into an accident, he is lost and his hip is hurting really bad! I told him to look for a sign or a mile marker and call me back. I called my friend and had her boyfriend and her pray that he would be able to find a way back! He made it home! He was so lucky he didn’t get hurt as bad as he could have been!
The next Monday he took off on me again on his bike accused me of having his keys to his car. He was drunk and very angry so I left with my purse and keys to my rig. I was afraid he was going to get violent by the way he was acting and looking, so I prayed and asked God to defuse the situation! He let me leave without injury! He called me and I wouldn’t answer my phone. I went to the church immediately! I didn’t go home, I refused to answer or read txt messages from him because he was in a drunk rage and he wouldn’t mean anything by it! I went to a woman’s AGLOW meeting and it was awesome! I came home later. He wasn’t there. He never came home that night! He came home the next day after work and he didn’t want to talk about it, all he has said is he was alone! I left it alone! A few days later, he was super drunk and crying and he said he needed to talk to someone, he couldn’t talk to me because I don’t allow talking about her! He told me in a drunken stupper, he broke silence with her and she is supposedly in a coma. He wants to die! I couldn’t be there for him, so I went to church and talked with the pastor, got prayer, the group prayed for him, as well! I went home he went to bed and I had a talk with him the next morning! I told him that I love him, but I feel scared to be around him when he is drunk like that! He apologized to me and went to work! I had my mother come over and we prayed through our place, binding and breaking ungodly soul ties and kicking out the evil that has been here for a while! When he got home that day, he was a different person. He was nice to have around and not drunk! Days later I asked him if he had heard from anyone from Malaysia and he said no! I think there has been a spiritual breakthrough! I prayed that God would put a Hedge Of Thorns around him, like in Hosea! I believe God will turn all this around! God brought us together and he will keep us together! God has a major call on his life and it will be fulfilled! I Thank God for this promise! I have forgiven that woman and I am still working through forgivness for my husband! God will open his eyes and show him that he needs to prove to be trustworthy from here on out! Amen! Share your feelings with me if you feel! Please nothing negative! I am holding on to my faith in God to be a restorer of my marriage!
(USA) Jackie, I’ll not go into detail. It’s nice to be able to read stories from others. My husband and yours have some very similar issues, my husband walked away from the Lord several years ago… we both did. It’s very difficult to forgive the betrayer, but we have to because that is what the Father has to do for us! I support your discussion, hats off to you for battling the true problem, the father of lies. He came to steal, kill, and destroy and he hates marriage and family.
Thank you for holding on, I pray that the Lord brings you and your husband complete restoration of your marriage! He is still on the throne and I believe all things can work together for His good, for His glory. I too hold onto the fact that God has called us! Loving sister in Christ, Sherry
(ZAMBIA) Thank you all for the comments, they have strengthened me tremendously. I was cheated on in 2010 and there is a child involved. I thought I had gotten over it but recently it’s like I’m reliving the ordeal all over again and it really hurts. Is there anyone out there who can assist on how I can get over it? He is not seeing that woman but that does not help. He tries to be a good husband and father (we have 4 kids).
(USA) Uuugghh …I do not even know where to start!! I’ve been married for a little over 19 yrs. have 2 Wonderful children, an 18 yr old boy (in college in another city) and 10 yr old girl. Both are so very precious!!! We have raised them in Christian School and Church. I have done sooooo much to protect them from my husband’s drinking thru entire marriage!! He’s at the bar in the other city (where my son goes to college and the co-worker lives). As I write this!!
And he had a so called (well, he never admitted to it) emotional affair with his co-worker from another city. And her and I were friends for about 12 yrs! I read emails (quite a few) on a very personal level from them!! So, I invited her and her husband in 2005 to my house to stay the weekend not knowing much at the time. My husband and her, got DRUNK at the concert I invited them in for (not knowing at this time he was really in love with her). And when she went to pass out in my sons room (I arranged for him (son) to stay at friend’s house) where her and her Husband were staying for the night, I caught my husband leaning over her passed out nasty drunk, kissing her on the neck! And He denied it!! Her husband was on my back porch visiting with My Mom, who babysat (our girls) for us that night. I EXPLODED!!! He still denied having feelings for her!!! I said I forgave him after months of his remorse and my emotional disconnection! I have PRAYED for YEARS for God to speak through me to husband and guide me for His WILL to be done!!! The going drinking has gotten fewer in between and doesn’t hurt as bad! But I do NOT trust my husband!!
When he’s not drinking he’s one of the best guys I’ve ever known, highly respected in business, kids school and our church. He’s a great guy!! But on the other hand he has a private life, that I’ve caught him in lies at strip clubs (twice) and very rebellious when drinking. Even been to jail, the weekend of our ladies retreat at church. I had to leave early the next day to get him out, which I didn’t get in a rush about!!! And then to find out he had called our Son, while he was drunk!!
Well, tonight my son called me and had to leave his friends to go pick up my husband, because my husband was drunk! My son called me and was SO mad and then broke down and cried and said “Mom, you need to divorce Dad; this is not right for him to go out and act single”. After picking husband and 2 buddies up to take them to a buddies house, the guys goes to another bar!!! I’m home with my daughter laying in bed, frustrated, hurt, sad, lonely, disgusted, furious, and My HEART is BREAKING for My Son!!! I called my husband and had a few choice words and realized why bother? He won’t remember!!! Just save the lecture for the hundredth time for when he’s hungover, which apparently doesn’t work! -Frustrated and confused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(NEW ZEALAND) My husband had an affair and is still lying. He is now saying he is mental and is in warp speed, and he threatens suicide. He has been in and out of mental wards, and is still texting her when he gets angry with me. What is all that about? I am not sure we can rebuild, if ever.
I have been recently caught having an affair. I have disclosed everything to her as she has requested. My wife wants to make things work again. I understand she needs space and needs my understanding. She keeps telling me that she needs my support through this. How do I provide that? I feel that anything I say or do this early while she’s angry with me will be wrong. Can someone please give me advice how I’m supposed to start rebuilding? I am desperate to make things right. I just don’t know how fast I am to be showing love again or trying to be physical again. Thanks for listening!
Phil, Read the article above and other ones we have posted on this issue and apply what you learn. Become a student of healing your marriage –helping your wife heal from the affair, no matter how long it takes or how difficult it is for you. Remember this isn’t supposed to be on your time-table or in your way, but your wife’s. You did things your way before and that’s what got you and your marriage into this mess in the first place. Read all you can, learn all you can on how to do this and keep doing it.
Thankfully, you have a wife who is willing to work with you on healing your marriage despite the fact that you stabbed her in the heart emotionally. Hopefully as the process gets uglier and uglier (which it probably will, for at least a while –a long while), you will still hang in there and be her hero in doing what it takes and she will hang in there and NOT change her mind (which it’s possible she might because often times it gets too painful for the victim to keep doing what is needed). But if you’re serious that you want her to heal, you will be a gentleman and hang in there for the duration.
As far as making love and such, that will be her call. Keep yourself available, romance her like you are courting her again (as in the beginning of your relationship with a lifetime of romance in sight), and don’t run this on your expectations, but hers. We have several articles, which she should read if she will (to help her heal and give her insight) and you should read so you can gain insight, and web sites we recommend you could both visit for further help. Just keep in mind that you’re both individuals and so all that you read and hear about is that which you should prayerfully glean through. What works for one marriage, may need to be adjusted to fit yours (with some of it not being useful at all, so don’t use it). Again, your wife should be in the driver’s seat on this because you were in the driver’s seat before and this is definitely her time.
You may both need a pro-marriage counselor to help with this. I’m sure that your wife isn’t perfect, and you certainly proved that you aren’t, and I’m sure that your marriage was laking in some ways that need to be worked through so you both rebuild your marriage so it is stronger –one that you both will pledge to work on and NOT cheat on in the future. Please read through the “Marriage Counseling” topic to see what a pro-marriage counselor should look like. You may even find one through some of the links in the Surviving Infidelity links, or at least you can start with one of them and see what you need beyond that. Eventually, we have other topics and articles that may help you as you both look to work on your issues that weakened your marriage relationship previously. I hope you’ll take advantage of that which we offer and that which you can use. I pray for you both and hope for you both that you will be survivors and eventually thrivers, in making your marriage a GREAT one.
I made a change to my family, especially my wife, because I have been cheating on her. This change was so obvious that she cannot hold it back to confess that she too had such (extra marital affair). Now I am finding it very difficult to cope with her. She lost her pregnancy because of the way I handled the situation. My pastor, whom she told, has advised me to let go of it but I can’t control myself. I think, maybe we should divorce. Please, what can I do? We have two kids already.
Please advise if it is right on the part of the parents to inform the suitor regarding their daughter’s earlier affair (this earlier affair was not kept a secret and was displayed by the daughter on her Facebook and other social networking sites while the affair was in progress). Shouldn’t it be the daughter who should be informing the ‘would be’ of any earlier affair?
My name is Kevin. I’m the unfaithful one in this marriage. My wife found emails between me and another woman. I travel a lot between the Philippines and Hawaii where I work. So I had plenty of opportunities. But I only fell to 1 temptation. I can tell you that in the beginning it was exciting (as if I was single again). But before the first encounter in a hotel in Manila, I felt guilty. I would look at a picture of my wife and think “Oh she will never find out. She is naïve” …whatever excuse came to mind at the time. But when the time for the first encounter came… I got scared, guilty, terror filled my mind of what I was doing. However, since me and the other woman did not have sex I felt that I didn’t commit adultery. I always had the philosophy that if the act did not occur it did not happen.
Now the conundrum is this. I did not delete the emails. My wife read them. Even though I tried and tried to convince her that nothing happened… she did not believe me. So… at some point during that first argument, maybe the way the light hit her, or a thought entered my mind, or whatever… I had an epiphany. Even though I knew that there was no sex act involved she was acting as if there was. Believed there was. So… I stopped trying to defend myself and accepted the fact as if there was a sex act involved.
I had another epiphany and this has to do with the existence of some higher form of power. For the first five years of marriage (we’ve been married for five years) I preached that trust, communication, passion and NO SECRETS were the fundamental building blocks of our relationship, that almost any problem had a solution except adultery, which I would never forgive if she committed it. I felt I was above the rules, since I was the one that established them (Oh How wrong that thinking is). I broke 3 of the 4 fundamentals. I broke, no, shattered her trust of me. I hid the emails (communication – no secrets) from her, and I hid the fact that I was meeting the other woman.
Now here is the weird part. I’m not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination. But, my wife not only communicated to me that we should and could save our marriage, she forgave me. Ahh, You are in the clear” some would say. Nope. I found myself questioning myself about everything I believed in, had believed in, and now I was questioning the actual existence of God. Now, here is a woman who had been cheated on (not going to split hairs here). She had enough love in her heart to not only stay with me, but to forgive me only 10 days after she found the emails. She is open and honest, as I am now. I deleted all the email accounts I had except one. I let her roam around my computer, ipad, smart phone, or whatever she feels she needs to see. I am more attentive to her. I listened to whatever she says and I mean I really listened as I had never done before. It helps.
Who in their right mind could ever betray a woman who decides to save a broken, shattered marriage? I tell you we are still going through the process. I’m even attending church with her (she is really religious). More importantly even a grizzled, old, broken-down, egotistical, arrogant, self-absorbed, self-centered, 50 year old sailor like me can find redemption from a as awesome a woman (she is 28) as my wife, and find religion, or rather I am beginning to believe there is something to this God business, well, who am I to argue.
Please understand that I did not fill in many details (nor will I) as I should, but I’m totally prepared to go to whatever lengths, and do whatever I need to do to regain her trust. So please folks say a little prayer for wife to heal from my transgression.
Pray that God will give her the strength to once again trust me, and know that she has a husband who is doing what she had thought she had before this horrible transgression against her, God and the sanctity of marriage. God Bless you all and remember to listen to the one who was hurt. Disregard your own self-pity, hurt, and pain. We did it to ourselves. That is first and foremost you should acknowledge.
Kevin, Cindy and I thank you for your vulnerability and transparency in sharing your story and ALL you have learned. We know this can inspire others who may be close to the “edge” to take ten steps back and remember their vows and live them out. We pray that as you and your wife finish this process of restoration and rebuilding trust that you will experience the kind of intimacy that God has designed for your marriage. Blessings!
I met my husband in high school. We got married after five years of fights with our parents. We have been married for 30 years with two lovely kids. He had an affair for 3 years. I never suspected him once even though we never had any intimacy. I thought he became gay so I didn’t even ask him, thinking that it will hurt him. But he got caught by leaving her a voice mail in my phone.
I’m not able to take his three years betrayal. He did it very well. I feel like an idiot who trusted and loved him, did my duties to him as a wife. Now he says he is out of it and yes he has. Please share any advice how to get out of the pain he has caused me. I have to live with him because of my kid’s future.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6 of it. We have a beautiful daughter. When we found out we were pregnant we were both over the moon. A while after the great news he said we need to talk about us (words people never hope to hear). My heart jumped right out of my chest! He said he didn’t love me anymore and he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. I was pregnant for (this was 2013) a few months and was heart broken! The first thing that went through my mind, was that there was someone else. But he told me straight that there wasn’t! I begged him to give us another shot and that he cannot do this now that we are pregnant!
So we carried on for a year or so and it became better between us (since day 1 we started saying I love you; we said it to each other after every msg or phone call). Well, that’s what I thought! About 4 months ago my husband started acting strangely, would pay more attention to the down below area (took longer showers). He would be very protective over his phone. When I would ask him who was that, it’s like he would get offended by the question. His whole attitude was different.
So I left it, but not for long. Until one day he said we must talk about us! He said again he doesn’t love me anymore; he doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. We always fight over stupid things and he cannot do us anymore and that he wants a divorce! The same thing popped into my head, is there someone else? So again he said No! I begged and pleaded with him to try for us again. He agreed to it but not long after he said he doesn’t want to go on anymore.
1 day after our 6 yr anniversary he was sleeping so I took his phone (which I know isn’t right and his phone has a lock password on it). But when I pressed on the screen there it was: a message from her saying ‘sorry baby I fell asleep.’ My heart jumped out of my chest and I felt like ripping him to pieces. We have been debating (not so much fighting) about this and I asked him to end it with her so that we can try for us and our child! He then said he did, after I also got it out of him that he slept with her one time (which I believed him). But yet again the staying out ‘at his friends place after work’ was just strange for me, the on the phone constantly and I kept asking him does he have something to confess. Every time he would say like what?
So making a long story short, he didn’t end it with her (I forgave him after 1st time I found out about her). It’s now about 4 months and he has slept with her more than once! He says he doesn’t feel proud of what he is doing. He still keeps telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore. He can’t do us anymore because it is always what I want, never what he wants (he said that because I don’t want to divorce him and for a lot of other things). I’ve forgiven him again for what he has done and for sleeping with her more than once and I told him I need him to give me a chance to fix what I have broken, because I perhaps neglected him as a husband and paid more attention to our child. I’m not perfect I know that.
You might think I’m stupid for forgiving him for his affair but I love this man to pieces. The first time he kissed me and after 2 months of him telling me he loves me I knew he was my soul mate. I have been crying non stop and have been pleading with him and begging him like a fool to let us work on us. He says it’s not me, it’s him, it’s his feelings that has changed (he says people change) and that we are over. He keeps saying he is still looking to move out.
Now it’s been 6 days that he hasn’t been home (been staying at her place) (to let everyone know also she is a different race from me and our child). He says he doesn’t know when he is coming back. And again he said he doesn’t feel proud of himself. So is this a sign of him considering coming back? Does anyone think our marriage is worth fighting for and that he is perhaps going through a stage where he doesn’t feel like a man and husband and even father anymore because I have neglected him and now he is doing this and sleeping with her to build up his Ego and boost his confidence again?
I haven’t shared this with any of my family because I believe that we can salvage what has been broken down. I just hope all the begging in my messages hasn’t pushed him further away from me. Please, if anyone has advice I would really appreciate it. I feel so alone and I have been by this man’s side through thick and thin, sickness and health. I want my husband back. P.S she also knows he is still married – what does that mean?
Dear Nina, I have so much compassion and sorrow for you in what you are going through. My heart goes out to your daughter, as well. Her father’s cheating is hurting her too. It will forever change who she is and will become. So, so sad. Nina, the reason I haven’t responded before now is because quite frankly, I haven’t known what to say… how to respond. I’ve been praying for the words to write to you. Even now, I don’t have a lot to tell you. But I feel the Lord has given me some things to say to you.
First off, this is so wrong what your husband is doing. Whether he felt neglected by you or not, he has allowed himself to give into the lie that because he felt neglected and tempted, solutions to cheat and do that which he should not, are acceptable. I’m glad to hear that he “doesn’t feel proud of himself.” Sadly though, he will eventually lose those feelings if he keeps doing what he is doing. He will become numb to what his conscience and what the Lord is telling him –that cheating is NEVER the way to go, no matter what. You ask if his not “feeling proud” is a “sign” he’s considering coming back. I have to say, probably not. But it could be that the Holy Spirit is working on him, and so who knows. However, if he keeps shoving good reasoning away from him, eventually his heart will harden all the more. All I can say is to pray for him, and pray that God shows you how to work on yourself –that which YOU need to do, to be a better wife and mother –one that a husband would (should) want to come home to. That is good advice whether or not he comes back. There isn’t one of us who is living up to our potential. It’s always good to work on our stuff (and let God convict your husband of his stuff, since he isn’t around for you say or do any different).
You also ask if anyone thinks your “marriage is worth fighting for.” My answer (and my husband’s) is yes, most definitely. But that doesn’t mean that your husband will do what he needs to do to be receptive to it and eventually do his part. It’s sure worth the try, but realize that God gives him the freedom of choice (just as he does for you and me). He can decide to continue to do wrong, or eventually make the choice to join you in your marriage. It’s difficult for me to say which way it will go. But yes, I would try, for all of your sakes –yours, your daughter’s, and even his because choosing the way of cheating only brings temporary satisfaction. Eventually, it will bite him back big time. I’ve seen this happen over and over again.
But one thing I know definitely… begging him will only hurt your marriage further. It causes him to disrespect you and your marital bond. It also causes him to walk right over you, whenever he makes the choice to say no to you, as you lower yourself to plead and plead with him. That puts you at the same level as a door mat in his eyes. Every time he walks over you, his view of you is cheapened. I understand WHY you want to beg… truly I do. But you have to know that the benefit is only temporary and it’s like taking one step forward and two steps back. Eventually, you will not be able to go forward AT ALL. I know this personally, from a close family member essentially divorcing himself from our lives, even though we love him more than life itself.
We have come to realize the painful way that we can’t go running after him or he will come back resentful with an attitude. And if that’s so, eventually our relationship will be destroyed again. We couldn’t go through this again. And you can’t either. You can’t get your husband to come back on your terms, but on ones where there is mutual respect and commitment in place to make things work. There is a difference between asking for things and begging. The woman he is with obviously doesn’t care that he is married. She’s under the disillusionment that THEIRS will remain to be a good relationship. That is only a temporary illusion. But if you drag him from her, you will actually push them closer together –to be lived out in the future. HE needs to come to the conclusion (and the conviction) that she isn’t worth it (and she isn’t if she’s willing to steal a husband and father away from their family). He is not without sin in this, but dragging him from her, rather than him willingly walking away will only make matters worse.
Nina, I’m not sure what you can do here. But PLEASE stop begging. And be careful about letting him walk all over you. It cheapens your worth in his eyes. Stand tall, work on your own issues, make yourself (genuinely) look good because it’s the right thing to do and see where it takes you with your husband eventually. I can’t imagine that you will get your husband back (permanently) any other way than to do this. Please pray about this and truly listen to what God tells you. I hope you will and pray God will help you as you lean into His guidance, rather than your human desperation. I understand your desperation, truly, but I warn you that it can lead to going in the wrong direction. Be aware.
Dear Nina my heart goes out to you. Cindy’s advice is correct in every way. Please turn to God in trust for His perfect answers. Keep your husband in your prayers and continue to stand for your marriage but do not beg. Make yourself and your home a place where your husband will want to return to. This may require much patience and prayer on your part but leave the rest up to God. Bless you Nina my prayers are with you.
My husband neglected me for another woman after getting me pregnant. I need urgent help, August 2014.
Old article, but still worth the read!