This article was prompted by an email we received here at Marriage Missions. It concerns age gap. Should it matter? We have edited it and changed the name to protect the identity of this writer.
Email Concerning Age Gap:
I have an issue on my mind that bothers me about marriages. I have found lately that couples tend to use the differences in ages as a barrier to keep them apart. This is looking into the flesh, rather than what God has planned for them together. Our marriages are supposed to fulfill the purposes God has for us together. I believe that God chooses us as human beings put together to fulfill His purposes.
It’s sad that couples that have the same desire to serve the Lord, are God-fearing, compatible, and have many other healthy ingredients to have a successful marriage, stay apart because of what society thinks of them differing in ages. It’s more so if the man is younger that the woman.
Many Thanks,
A Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned:
You make several excellent points in your letter about this issue. Age differences and the role it plays in marriage can definitely be used in a “fleshly” manner. It can emotionally separate married couples more than it should from a spiritual standpoint.
But unfortunately, we live in a world where divorce is becoming a common way for couples to resolve differences. For that reason we have to be more cautious when entering into marriage.
The age differences aren’t as much of a problem when the couple is younger. It’s amazing how young love can seem to conquer all! But it can become more of a problem later on in life when the couple gets progressively older. That is because the older spouse eventually gets into health and energy issues. Many times the younger spouse this finds too troublesome to deal with in their own stage in life.
The Problem
But in all fairness though, it really can be a problem. I look at the all energy that our younger sons have to do certain things. I can’t even imagine having to do those things at this stage in my life. If I had a younger spouse this would have to be be an issue. And it would definitely cause its share of problems.
Years ago when Biblical commitment in marriage was more steadfast, this was something that couples would deal with and not allow to separate them. But that’s not as common in today’s world. It’s tragically sad but true. As a result, there may be some couples (with large age gaps) that God would want to work in and through, that He’s not able to, because of the choices we decide to make. I’m sure this grieves His heart!
So, because of the influence of today’s world on harming marriages, I greatly caution couples contemplating marriage where there is a large age gap. They need to look very prayerfully at the reality of what the upcoming years could bring to challenge their love and commitment. It’s important to be sure beyond a shadow of doubt that they both have the commitment it would take to overcome the huge obstacles they may encounter because of the differences in their ages.
Sometimes It Does Work Out
I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine. They have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous. That’s why I would counsel couples to be VERY sure they’re considering marriage for more reasons than the emotional rush. It’s important to consider the possible “costs” involved up front so they work extra hard in their commitment to each other when difficulties come up. (That goes for ALL marriage, but especially for marriages in this type of situation.)
Love can be very romantic to be involved in before marrying. But true love is “patient, and kind” (as 1 Corinthians 13 talks of) even when your partner doesn’t have the desire or energy to participate in doing activities that you crave to do (as a person who is much younger). They may have done those things earlier in their life together, but their progressing age may change that.
According to 1 Corinthians 13, love “does not envy“ others (who do more youthful activities together or have more things in common than you may have). The interests of a 40 or a 50 year old most often is different than those of a 60 or 70+ year old. Progressing age brings different “problems” with it. When you grow old together, being close to the same age at each stage, it can be somewhat easier to take. But when a 25 year old marries a 45 year old, the gap physically and emotionally grows wider with each passing year. That’s just a reality of life that you need to face!
Not Rude, or Self-Seeking
Love also, is “not rude” (when you see the sags and bags that your spouse may be developing sooner than you are). It also is “not self-seeking”, especially when you realize that your spouse may not be able to “keep up” so many things when you feel a need that they do so.
Love also “is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs” (and is supportive when your spouse is no longer as exciting as they used to be). To see them nodding off to sleep in the next chair when you want to go off socializing together can happen to even younger couples. But it can be even more of a reality as our ages progress. (Of course, there are always exceptions to this. Some 70 year olds lead more vigorous lives than some 30 year olds. But that isn’t usually the norm.)
As the Bible says, love “always perseveres.” Those who marry need to deal with the reality of what they may be getting themselves into later in their marital relationship. If they aren’t sure they could persevere through these (and other trials) then they need to reconsider BEFORE marrying. That would be the honorable thing to do.
Consider the Cost
The Bible talks about “considering the cost” before you do something. In Luke 14, it talks of the person who wants to “build a tower.” It’s important for them to make sure they have enough money to complete it. Otherwise they set themselves up for failure when they aren’t able to finish to completion. It also talks of a king who is about to go out to war. He needs to “consider” if he is able to fight against all obstacles that are against him.
Marriage can be put into the same context. Make sure you and the person you are marrying have considered “the cost” of what you are about to do. If not, the honorable thing to do would be to back away before the marriage —not afterward.
A Commitment for Life
Marriage is meant by God to be a commitment for life even when difficulties develop that deeply strains their “happiness” together. If you don’t both go into marriage with the same steadfast commitment to God to make every marital situation work to the glory of God, I’d advise the couple not to marry. It’s too important to God and should be important to us as well. After all, marriage is supposed to be about God’s kingdom work together!
As Dr Emerson Eggerichs states (which we agree with),
“Marriage is a tool and a test to deepen your love and reverence, trust, and obedience for Jesus Christ. This is not about you. It’s about Christ—becoming as Christ in your character as to how you relate to each other.”
I hope my answer to you will give you some kind of insight into this type of situation. I wish I could paint a different picture of this situation. But this is the way that I see it from a marriage education standpoint —even as a Bible-living Christian.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
PLEASE NOTE:
Since writing this original article it has been pointed out to us that some marriages with large age gaps DO work out well. And that is a great point that I should have stated stronger originally. We don’t want to discourage those who SHOULD marry to hold back. It would not give God the elbow-room to work miracles in situations He has ordained to work this way. And we definitely serve a miracle-working God!
But rather, we want those who are considering entering into this type of marriage to be prepared for the possible problems that could await them. If you’re taking a long journey and you can be better prepared ahead of time, it could work to your benefit. That’s how we hope to help you. If you plan to climb Mount Everest and you didn’t know to take along certain gear that you’d need, you’d be glad to know that ahead of time.
And Yet…
If you’re planning on climbing Mount Everest and you aren’t the type person who could withstand the rigors this type of “journey”, you would be foolish to proceed. A wrong decision could bring devastating results.
Thoughts of marrying someone can be very romantic. It’s easy to think that we can climb over any type of mountain, as long as we’re together. But we need to make sure that we’ve considered ahead of time so we prepare as best we can. Or we need to stop from proceeding any further if that would be best. We hope the above article has done that for you.
For additional information, below are links to articles you can read that may help you in the prayerful decision-making process:
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (part 1)
• [DON’T] MIND THE AGE GAP (Part 2)
ALSO:
• AGE GAPS IN MARRIAGE: Do They Work?
Filed under: Preparing for Marriage
Hello, I am a boy from India aged 17. I am in high school, I’ll graduate this year. I am in love with a girl in my class, she is 2 months younger than me. We’ve come very close in only a short duration of time. I know that she loves me very much and we both want to marry each other, live with each other for the rest of our lives. What I feel for her is nor lust. I just know this. I will do anything just to see a smile on her face, and by anything I literally mean anything.
We are both from the same religion so it should not be a problem. I am good at studies too. I really want to tell this to my parents but I can’t yet. They’ll think I’m not focused and I don’t want this to happen. I still have to complete higher education until I get a job. So basically, a marriagable age for me is 25 years, +/- 1 year. She said she can wait this long. That’s what she said to me. I trust her.
So please tell me is this right? Does the age gap makes it a little difficult? How much is the possibility of this happening?
Help me please, I cant live without her.
Hi… I’m loving a boy age is 27 now…I’m 21. My family is ready to say ok for my love. He too likes me, but he rejected my proposal because of the 6 yrs age gap. Will a 6 year gap be the problem in marriage life??? If it is not… please give me some points to convince him.
I am 26 and married to 43 years old man. At the beginning we were excellent match but gradually, I’m getting tired and most of the time angry with him and his acts. I would definitely not marry a big different age man if and only if I had such a knowledge and thinking of now. We have no babies yet and not planning to have it soon cos I don’t want to destroy someone else life with my wrong decision!! My life is like a story book, which won’t end if I start telling you all. Thanks for the helpful article.
I would have to ask, what your communication level is like, and what his acts are? Please don’t answer that; those questions are for you to think about. If the communication level is down, so goes the relationship, and the feelings of love. Love is not actually a feeling, but an action, and takes work. If you two are not communicating, or feel that you can, I suggest counseling, or someone who can act as a buffer for the two of you to start communicating again. Try to take your relationship in to a place of unhindered honesty. It may stir things up.
Hi. I’m from India, aged 22. I’m in love with a girl aged 26. This last year we were such nice friends, but love struck me and I proposed to her last month. She is so nice a girl, where I do not want to miss having her in my life. She likes me as a friend, but not as a lover. I have asked her to take time 2 yrs to get changes on me. Will this work out?? Please suggest me any good info’s…
Sir, I am 42 years old divorced smart man in very good health and now I want to marry a girl, age 26. Her name is Samreen. She is very beautiful, smart and attractive. She also loves me a lot but she is hesitating to the social people. Please confirm immediately if I should go for marriage with this girl or not. I am also earning a good salary and bank balance. I am waiting your reply.
“I have seen a few good marriages where the large age gap worked out fine and they have very good marriages. But I’ve seen more where they end up disastrous.” Where have you seen this? I’ve seen the opposite!
I must agree with the author’s comment. Not only the marriage with huge age gap ends up disaster, it contains uneasy sour emotional breakup. Imagine, if you are a man or woman who is very old breaks up with a younger person. Breaking up is hard enough, but as we are getting older, breaking up as we age becomes tremendously difficult.
That is why any divorce from long marriage is much nasty than shorter marriage. The bottom line, if you are much older than your potential mate, it is your responsibility to let the relationship go if you really love that person. There was a story in the TV show “Downton Abby,” that an older man was just about to get married to the middle daughter of the Crawly family. He said, “I am sorry, I can’t do it” in the last moment at the podium. Of course she had a huge broken heart, but at the end it all went fine.
So, if you are an older person who cares very much about your younger friend, think of what a bright future he/she will have by being with someone at their age. That is, I say, “True love.”
You are not making sense here. If you really love the person (and the other person reciprocates that love), then it is all the more reason to be committed in a relationship.
And you are basing it on a story, not on any published reports. There are countless statistical reports by medical councils. They don’t conclude that age gap realtionships are a disaster. They just say that such relationships are in smaller percentage. The higher rate of divorces are more in the closer age gap relationships, since people have a belief that 3-5 years is an “acceptable” age gap.
There are numerous factors which are involved in making any marriage work. The same is applicable for age gap relationships. It really depends on the 2 individuals invovled, not society’s perception.
There is no need to point to stories, when we can readily present facts. In many asian societies 10-15 age gap is acceptable. My friend himself married a woman and their age gap is 11.5 years. They have a beautiful daughter.
If my story seems apocryphal, maybe you can see that Catherine Zeta Jones’ marriage which has lasted many years, and that is a celebrity marriage which usually breaks up quickly. In fact, chances are that in your own family someone might have a large age gap marriage.
I am 28 (female); he is 24. There is a 4 year 3 months age gap between me and him. I’ve gone through hell with my previous relationships and I’m not sure if he likes me. He is my manager but I simply adore and have the secret desire to be with him. But like what you have mentioned in the article, I am worried as we get older. I might sag and bag. I’m worried he would leave me then but I’ve never met anyone like him. He makes me happy, and he cares for my feelings.
Every night I cry to God, why can’t I be with him? Why did you make me meet a guy like him but I know nothing will and can happen? I have a number of friends who are dating younger men or married ones by the age gap of four years but they are happy. What should I do? How do you erase his thoughts out of my mind? Please help me.
Four years is ideal in my opinion. Close enough in age to have lots of things in common, similar energy levels, etc. A greater consideration might be that he is your manager. If this is a work relationship, you could face challenges. In the meantime, just be yourself, be friendly, do your job well and keep praying for guidance.
I developed a close friendship with a man that is involved in the same ministry as I am. He’s divorced with adult children that are older than I am. I’m 30; he’s in late 60s. We eventually fell in love and made our relationship public. Some of our friends approve while some do not. His children have mixed emotions, but my parents are very disapproving. I feel very comfortable with the thought of marrying him, even though I have fully contemplated the reality of his health failing and his level of activeness declining more quickly than mine. We see each day as a blessing to express our love to each other and to be able to help others (yes, he is financially successful).
I know I will one day soon be left alone, but hope to be able to refocus my life in another direction when that happens.The only reason I’m struggling is my concern with hurting my parents and how our ministry may be hindered by those who would not accept us. I would appreciate any thoughts you have about my situation. Thank you!
Mel, just be careful. I personally believe a 30-year age difference will cause huge problems in your relationship. At 60, he may soon have health problems. Even if he does not, how much do you really have in common? Things that each of you remember from your teen years are vastly different. Historical things you each remember are also quite a bit different. And, if you would ever like to have children, think how old their father would be even before they graduate from high school!
I think your parents are trying to encourage you to be careful because they love you. They don’t want to see you become a young widow. You may also face huge challenges with his children, who may resent you or feel that you are only interested in their dad due to his financial success. I encourage you to seek objective Christian counsel on this.
My advice, don’t live your life for someone else (ie. your parents). Your fears are getting the best of you.
I happened across this because I was seeking positive stories from those in large age gaps. I, myself am entering into an age gap relationship. I’m a woman/single mother (29) and he’s an older gentleman (68). There was no rush of ‘chemistry’ feelings, just a feeling of coming home. All the books on his shelf were all the books I have on my shelf, his hobbies are my hobbies, and in high school I drew a picture of a young man, who looked exactly like him as a young man. We fit like a puzzle. I’m well aware of the possibility of him passing away before I do, however nobody knows for a fact. I know of a woman who married a man 19 years her senior and she passed away before he did. He was devastated.
I feel as if some of this advice leans away from the teaching of Jesus, regarding ‘Thou shalt not judge’. Also, some of the replies to those in India and Africa totally disregard the fact that their culture is different from American culture as age gaps and young marriage is VERY common and legal over there. The children from these countries mature at a different rate than those Americans who live in their bubble of general comfort. (Yes, I am American.)
Then, there’s the fact that many people are stating that the younger partner could become a ‘caregiver’ in the near future. This is possible in ANY type of relationship. A car accident could leave your same-age partner brain-dead, or unable to physically do for themselves. Nobody knows what Gods plan is! The biggest thing to do is to follow your heart, God speaks through you to your heart. There is a whole lot of contradiction going on here and most of the advice is negative. “Be careful, don’t do this, don’t do that” FEAR FEAR FEAR. That’s all this is, is fear! The more fear you have in your heart, the further you remove yourself from God and truth.
I’d rather spend 5 years with the one I love than to listen to some of you people and walk away from a true partnership due to FEAR.
Amen
I have been dating a man for almost 3 years that is 15 years older than me. While I admit we have had our challenges, we are both Christians, we both have the same interests, enjoy working together, and get along very well. We’ve talked about getting married and thought extensively about the future. We know there will be a lot of challenges, especially since he has 2 boys from a previous marriage that he gets for a few weeks in the summer.
My mother loves him and fully supports us, but my father isn’t so supportive of us being together. I can understand why he’s concerned, seeing as he’s an older man who has been divorced and has kids. But he wasn’t following the Lord when he was married before and knows he made a lot of mistakes and admits to them.
His kids love me (ages 9 & 6) and I love his kids. We’ve read so many Christian relationship and marriage books and would get a lot of counseling before getting married but my family is what causes the problems in our relationship, and we’ve just about given up on our relationship because of them. We’ve both prayed from the beginning that God would show us if we were meant to be together, and whenever I have time by myself with just God and I, I feel it’s meant to be and that it’s his will. But my sister hates him for some unknown reason and like I said before my dad isn’t very supportive. So I would just like some Christian input on what you might think the right thing is to do. Thank you.
I’m 14 now and she is 24. I don’t know when this love developed. She is a nurse and my dad’s sister’s elder daughter. I want to marry her after probably the age of 22. Will she wait for me till 32? I love her very much and I can’t live without her. We both live in different states but we are relatives and we are connected by mobile and social sites. She is very close to me. I want to know that after our marriage whether we’ll face any problems, or not. I need your opinion.
You are family…
I am 16, 17 in 5 months and he is just turned 20 this month. We are both really into God and we love each other. I know I’m still pretty young and so is he. I also know that we have much to learn, but as too maturity level, I can honestly say we are pretty mature. Our parents agree and so does our Pastor. So that’s pretty great.
But yes, since I am 16 we both know that we need to wait. He has agreed on waiting till I turn 18 so that we may present ourselves in church. He has been in love with me for about 2 years now, and waited about a year or so to confront me about it. He said he took so long to finally tell me because he wanted to be sure that it was fine with God.
Now something has happened that made him doubt in between the year that he started praying for God to get me off his mind. But he told me that he couldn’t 5 months later and he still felt the same. That’s when he realized he had to tell me. The great thing is, that when he finally told me after a year, I don’t know how many months, I felt exactly that same. Now I guess the reason why I am commenting is to see if anyone can give me certain advice. Does it seem we are doing things right? To me honestly, I can say that everything is good. I have 100% faith that him and I can last as long as we put Christ first. But I really do want advice from experienced people.
As I said, I know I have a lot more to learn about life, but I do believe that the way I have lived so far has me mature enough. I mean I clean, cook, my spiritual life thanks to God is great. I know how to take care of kids, I know that the man should take the lead and the wife should be the supporter. I know those things, etc. But if anyone has anything they would like to say, giving me advice, etc. I’ll be glad to hear (:
I married a man the age of 65 and I am 24… is that a very big issue? Sometimes I get angry with him because he wants me to be tidy but I can’t keep up cleaning. He told me things that hurts and I tell him off too.
Hie, my name is Niru and I am in love with 21 year old guy but I am 14… and we love each other very much. But I don’t think that he is right guy for me.
I’m Indian. I love my girlfriend. She is now 25 and me 26, so, between me and her there is 8 months difference. Is it possible to marry her…and is that age difference irresponsible for marriage?