The following info was posted on a web site for Battered Men (which we can no longer find on the Internet). This is tragic because these men’s stories and the info on the rest of the web site gave voice to information that people should know. Fortunately, we had previously saved a copy of some of these true battered men’s stories. Here is what they wrote:
“It doesn’t happen.” “It only happens to a few guys—puny, little guys.” “Women who batter only do it in self-defense.” “I wonder what he did, to make her do that?”
There are a lot of myths floating around. In these pages, we present men’s stories, in their own words:
Battered Men’s Personal Stories
A Seattle therapist who convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman says: “I was dumbfounded from the very start of the incident,” the man says. “I was getting struck by this woman while I was holding my daughter and I was the one who called the police.”
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In Kelso, a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife.
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My wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”: I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”
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My son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one-time amateur boxing champion. She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them. Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers.
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I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, and she was the victim!
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A man from Washington state: I am 6’2″ and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor; and I am NOT a “victim”! … I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.
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We’ve tried to find help for our son, but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It’s a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It’s time to stop offering help to someone just because they are women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.
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I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother. – a Seattle man
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I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I’ve been threatened with bodily harm, I’ve been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I’ve been kicked in the groin, I’ve had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation. Then one day she called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was nearly spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet; I’d charge you with a felony if I could, he said. So now what do I do?
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My wife hit me in the arm a few times, goading me to hit back. She became very angry, and she attacked me with a set of Porsche Keys—maybe three inches long. She stabbed me thirteen times. As I was trying to leave, she took our daughter and tried to throw her down the steps.
Although she had been physically aggressive in the past, she turned downright violent toward me. It started by hitting me with the phone, throwing objects at me, kicking and clawing. She drew blood a number of times. Under advice from my attorney, I was warned that even taking a defensive position could be seen as an act of violence toward her. The ONLY physical action I took toward her was to restrain her from hitting or biting or kicking me. She was an expert at falling down and screaming, “See kids; look at what your dad is doing to me.”
Here’s the kicker. I am a mental health professional, social worker and marriage and family therapist. Like most guys, I had on blinders. I interpreted her behavior as emotional disturbance and would often sit up all night trying to comfort her after one of these episodes. My lawyer looked at me like I was crazy when I told him.
Why did I take it? I had a daughter that was small that was also screamed at and hit and scared by stories of the boogie man getting her. But I finally had to leave or get killed.
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My wife of almost 9 years was a woman of an incredibly short temper and possessed the ability to swing from mood to mood faster than you could shake a stick at. Over the years, she had thrown things at me, including knives, slapped me, punched me, and shoved me on numerous occasions. I had always felt a sympathy towards her because of the fact that she had no one in her life that truly seemed to care for her. I was going to be her protector.
With all of this, I believe if this got around, there would be a stigma. There would be some embarrassment toward ex-wives and present lovers. I don’t want my kids to hear these stories; and I don’t want to have others in their world, discussing me regarding this issue.
I still don’t understand why I stayed in that relationship as long as I did. Perhaps it was because she was such a great girl in every other way, and I hoped she would change. I’m never going to go back into that kind of insanity again. Funny, at the time I told myself I deserved it.
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I was awarded temporary sole custody of my three children and possession of the marital home. My ex-wife was in shock and refused to leave … Her attempts to provoke an incident increased. Finally, one morning she cornered me alone in the kitchen. She again began to punch me out after a nasty verbal exchange. Unfortunately, my 10-year-old son witnessed this episode through a window while he headed for his school bus. I did not strike back. My ex then left and went to the police.
I was abused too many times and decided to end the relationship many times; but I was unable to do so. She followed my each and every move; so I was reluctant to file stalking charges against her because I did not want to hurt her feelings. The abuse intensified; she did not hesitate to hit me … She also clawed me numerous times and even cut me with a knife. I again failed to report the incidents to the authorities. Many times, she had threatened me that if I bring any charges against her, she will not hesitate to bring false charges against me …
Her definition of the proper way to conduct an argument was to slap me around until I stopped disagreeing with her. … However, I was willing to put up with it for the sake of her kids. That is, at least until she started endangering them.
She screamed: “I have never forgiven you for the way you looked at me the first time I hit you.” “How did I look?” I asked. “You looked hurt and shocked and angry and disgusted.” “How should I have looked after you hit me?” I asked. “I needed for you to understand how I was feeling at that time. And I needed your support, not your anger,” she said. I understood then why she had never apologized for that act of violence or for any of her many other violent assaults.
She was brassy, outspoken and told me she liked “big guys”. I’m 6′ and weigh in at 230. She held a knife to my throat and told me to get out of the apartment. I would not dare move because I thought she would kill me. She would tell friends very publicly why sex with me was difficult. She would later say it was meant to be a compliment…kidding about the size of my genitalia. I wasn’t laughing. Every success I had was met with derision. Daily my shirts were ripped. My face was slapped. I was kicked, and I was locked out. There was nothing I could do to make a difference. [After I left] she has told me repeatedly, “You’re the only person who really understood me.” The face I see as she speaks is still the one who held the knife.
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In one case I recall a man who had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife. My heart goes out to the men who call because no services are available to them, other than with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have some doubts about many of them [therapists] as I feel they are back in the dark ages of how they stereotypically view males.
(Excerpt from Philip A. Cook, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Violence, pp. 157-8. Interview with the author, 1994) (Kelso and the Valley Oasis Shelter program in Lancaster CA and “a few other places” are the only programs Mr. Cook found in the U.S. that serve men.)
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Web Site Review: I have only the highest praise for ABC News Aug. 4, 1998, Special Feature: Beating Up on Battered Men. It’s a well-balanced and well-written report that I highly recommend you read. But what is even more compelling are the Reader Responses. As part of this review, I offer excerpts from some of the stories offered there:
— I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across your article—someone actually acknowledges that there is a problem here! I appreciated the tone and balance of your article, and the only problem I had was with the headline, namely use of the term “battered men.”: That conjures up visions of men in the emergency room with black-and-blue marks on their bodies, when (I suspect) that is rarely the true nature of the problem. Most of us “of a certain age”: were taught a couple of absolutes: “boys do not hit girls”: and “men do not hit women.”: Most men can defend themselves against their female attackers, but the real problem is the violence that has been initiated, not whether the man can defend himself. The answer is not to respond with violence (unless physical action is absolutely necessary for self-protection), but to respond in other ways — namely, seeking outside help.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily include the police. When I was living in Connecticut, my wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline (I was a writer, working at home). Mind you, she is 5’2” tall and petite in size, so that shows what a person consumed by rage can do. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”
Anyway, I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was, “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.” He explained that my wife probably would have claimed that I bashed the door to beat her, and the police would have taken her side because of the “Torrington case” in Connecticut.
— Well, a job brought me to the Washington, D.C., area. The first thing I did was contact a lawyer there, who happened to be female—and the local leader of one of the most prominent feminist organizations. She took this seriously and told me I wouldn’t face the same attitude from police down here. She taught me to leave a “paper trail”: every time my wife went into a drunken rage. Call the police on 911, and get your side officially recorded by the police and social workers. I did this, and the response by both police and social workers was totally professional and helpful. My wife couldn’t believe that I was actually doing this; and after a couple of visits from the police she fled back to New England one day while I was at work—unfortunately, with our daughter.
I have two main pieces of advice for anyone—male or female—faced with domestic violence:
(1) Get help. It may be best to start with a family counselor active in domestic violence cases, rather than to start with the police, but get help! When (as in my case) you are white, middle class and living in the suburbs, there is often a surreal aspect to calling the police—we say to ourselves, “This doesn’t happen to people like us.” When we see scenes on TV, it’s usually poor people and/or minorities. Well, get rid of those stereotypes and realize that, yes, this is a problem that is present EVERYWHERE in our society!
(2) Do not put up with the violence, as I did, hoping to work things out and telling yourself that you are “doing this for the children.” The situation can only get WORSE with time—for you, for your abusive partner, and for the children.
I’m sorry to go on at such length, but the mere existence of your article really released a flood of emotions, 10 years after all this happened in my life. Thank you for daring to report on this subject, and for doing so in such a balanced, positive way.
— I am glad to see some attention to the idea that domestic violence goes both ways. Last year, my son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one-time amateur boxing champion. But he never did anything more to her than push her away and restrain her to defend himself. Nonetheless, neighbors hearing her screams got the impression that he was beating her. We have at least one independent witness to one of their arguments who confirms my son’s story. But I lived in fear that he was going to be arrested as long as they were together.
She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them.
Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hit her, there would have been evidence for weeks. Women do not have the right to use their relative smallness and weakness, and the fact that decent guys are brought up not to hit them under any circumstances, is an excuse to declare open season on the men they live with. No one deserves to be hit or to have their valuables destroyed.
— I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim! Attempts at counseling did not work, only separation and eventually divorce finally extracted me from this nightmare.
I think the macho in males puts them in denial mode that they were attacked or abused. Society naturally assumes that the men will “take care of themselves”: and continues to focus on the problems of battered women. However, men are also the victims. Society tolerates violent behavior in females while for men it is not. Take for example, the classic television or movie scene of the angry wife/girlfriend throwing dishes at the hapless male victim. No one gets hurt; it’s supposed to be funny. Is this domestic violence? Would a relative or neighbor who witnessed a real situation like this laugh and shrug it off? I hope not, but they probably wouldn’t consider this domestic violence, either. Is the woman in this scene accountable for unacceptable or violent behavior? Of course not! It’s considered cute and humorous!
The recent report of violence against women should be taken seriously. However, it would be of interest to know who initiated the violence and what events occurred prior to the victim seeking a remedy. Violence in our society must be dealt with regardless or gender. Sexist attitudes add to the difficulty by creating conflicts between groups that should join to focus on solving the problem.
At any rate, I strongly encourage you [if you can find it] to read the ABC News Aug. 4, 1998, Special Feature: Beating Up on Battered Men and the compelling Reader Responses.