Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him. And with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”
Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. Men tend to think of life as a competition and a battle. They can energetically fight it out if they can come home to someone who supports them unconditionally. They need someone who will wipe their brow and tell them they can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”
Don’t tear him down!
If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.
But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.
I’ll bet the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.
He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game. Or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office. He may feel like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.
“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal. I also feel this when she brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”
Need Affirmation
During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”
If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
The gift of confidence
I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”
We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy. We would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.
In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear.
Speaking about his mother, he wrote:
Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.
A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers.” They crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. Also, it’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.
This article comes from the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
— ALSO —
There is also available: For Women Only Discussion Guide: A Companion to the Bestseller about the Inner Lives of Men. This book is written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, and is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups. It can even be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to equip you in your own life.
Filed under: For Married Women
(US) This goes both ways. My ex husband never gave me affirmation, and only criticism, which is why he is my ex.
As far as porn, or any kind of cheating in general, how DARE this article infer that it could be the wife’s fault. If a man has a horrible wife, he should divorce her or seek counsel instead of cheating. Cheating just makes him a horrible person, and once a cheater, always a cheater – what a great excuse to blame it on the woman!
My current husband gives me loving affirmation, and I also do the same for him. I love my marriage, and so does he. The woman CANNOT ALWAYS be the stronghold. Everyone has weak times, and when the wife is feeling down, her man should be there to affirm her too, NOT go running off to tend to his own selfish pursuits.
WOMEN: You can only fix a broken marriage if both partners are willing to admit fault and work on themselves. Accepting blame for everything your husband does or did to you will only set you up for more of the same. Just find the right man, and you won’t have to read stuff like this.
(UNITED STATES) I can see some valid points in this article, and I appreciate that a wife should affirm her husband. However, there are times when a wife affirms until she’s blue in the face, takes on all of the hard jobs (full time work, housecleaning, cooking, yard work, finances, children, family affairs, church), trusts implicitly and begs for her husband to tell her what he needs, what he wants, what she lacks so that their marriage can once again be a safe harbor for them both.
I know, because I’ve been there. And what I received in return was resentment. Resentment for expecting him to use part of his paycheck to pay bills (he said that it was my job to do all of the above, including paying all of OUR bills, and that he should have his money to do with as he pleased. Never mind that he took money out of our joint account so often that I finally had to set one up of my own so we had money for necessities, like food. I still had to give him money when he overdrew his). He took offense that I asked him to help me with bathing our infant daughter. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t keep a spotless home, raise our daughter and work 50 to 90 hour weeks although he never lifted a finger to do anything useful in our home. I tried to ask for his help nicely, and always thanked him even if he did things with a bad attitude. My efforts didn’t matter.
I never once told him “No,” when he made sexual advances. I made a conscious effort to wear clothing I thought he liked, agreed to anything he asked of me in the bedroom except for having a threesome, which I found repulsive as a Christian woman. Later, I also declined going with another man while he watched. It broke my heart that he wanted to give me away.
I did everything I could to affirm the man. I did everything I could to show him love, respect and appreciation. And I ended up with someone who no longer cared for me in the least, who made fun of me and acted repulsed by me. He cheated on me when our daughter was only five months old. I forgave him and begged him to work things out. He told my daughter and I to leave our home with $12 and no formula. I had to borrow money from my Daddy just to feed her. I came back to the house to check on him because I wanted my daughter to have her father and I was afraid he would hurt himself… he’d threatened this many times over. He agreed to work things out.
Two years later, I was beginning to trust again and hope for the best. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I promised we would do whatever it took to help him get stable. Two weeks later, I was very surprised to find I was pregnant with our second child and he seemed thrilled. The next week, I asked to borrow his phone as I went to the hospital to confirm the pregnancy. I had given my phone up to cut our budget, but he wouldn’t consider relinquishing his. He gave it to me, although he didn’t want to, and I accidentally received a reply from another woman he was setting up a date with…the same woman he cheated on me with earlier.
Come to find out, he had many online liaisons, and I’ll never really know if he had more than one actual lover. My gut says he most definitely did. He says that it isn’t so. Of course, I have no reason to believe him.
The only reason I didn’t leave for good was because I felt strongly that the Lord led me not to. I loved him, but I was tired. I was taken out of work for severe prenatal depression. I lost my job because of this. My self esteem was shot. My marriage was in turmoil. I had a two-year old daughter who didn’t need to see her mommy and daddy fighting. We had bills to pay, and I had the higher paying job before with my daughter’s insurance, as well.
We’re still together four years later. He seems to love me again, but I’m never really sure. I trusted this man as I’ve never trusted another and he manipulated me, emotionally abused me, struck out against me for not being perfect, cheated on me and belittled me for years.
I thought I was doing something wrong. That I wasn’t doing enough for him. I wasn’t pretty enough or thin enough. I couldn’t keep him up well enough. The truth is that while I wasn’t perfect, I tried with my whole heart to be a good Christian wife to this man. I simply wasn’t what he wanted anymore.
It was not my lack of affirmation that caused him to do these things. It was not my lack of faith in God, for surely I would not be here now if not for His strength and love. It was not because I was unattractive or inattentive. It was because my husband simply didn’t want to be a married man with a family anymore.
Now, although our relationship is better, I’m still deeply wounded. I don’t know if I’ll ever not wonder what he’s doing when he’s “working late.” I don’t know if I’ll ever feel desirable to him, or any other man for that matter, again. I know that I’ll never be confident that I’m doing enough. I know that that innocent trust is gone forever.
I wrongly thought that to ‘submit to my husband’ meant to bow at his feet, and to never expect a thing in return. Right after that little nugget of scripture in the Bible that so many love to scream, husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved them; in other words, be willing to lay down their lives for their wives as imperfect as they may be.
I’m sure that some men turn away from their wives because they don’t feel affirmed. I’m also positive that many turn away from the women they vowed til death do us part to simply because of their own weaknesses. Sorry for the long post, but it felt right.
Valerie, sorry you went through so much. But when will women think that enough is enough. God does not want men to be abusive and unloving and not honoring to their wives. Why do I keep reading where women allow men to hurt them and continue hurting them and the women keep taking the abuse? God does not want women to suffer with this on and on. Why do women think God condones such evil from men who He has given the role as leader??
My hat is off to you. But keep in mind that there are Satan like messages to women that we must respect and affirm our husbands, no matter what evil they do. Women, did you all know that men have been given duties that God assigned to them?? Man was made first, not the woman. Your husbands are supposed to be setting examples for their wives, not vice versa. Husbands should LOVE THEIR WIVES FIRST!!! They were given the position as leader. Not the woman. Don’t you understand that men should take the lead and lay down their lives for their wives and love and honor wives?
I am happpy that I have knowledge of the love of God.
I find it hard to believe that men need that much affirmation on order to be faithful to their wives. I’m understanding affirmation, but I also believe men need to try harder to affirm and validate their wives feelings. This is a cop out for men. If most women feel this way, then men you need to figure your wives out, notice when we are hurting, find out what change is needed, be patient with us, and hey figure out how to make your wife happy before you wander off to make yourself happy. This article is not much help. It gives men another excuse to continue their aloof behavior.
I don’t agree that it gives men an excuse. Well not unless you concede that all the ‘you go girl’ cheering that women get to excuse them from meeting their husbands needs or justifying their own affairs. (Remember, for every man in an affair, there is at least one woman participating in the affair.)
The reason this article is focused on men is due to the intended audiance, women. There are articles on this site encouraging men to meet their wives emotional needs.
I certainly hope you are speaking to women even more when it comes to leaving their husbands and divorcing. The truth is women end marriages three or four times more often than men. Less than 10 percent of thise divorces are attributed to his misconduct. Meaning she steps out because she perceives her needs are not being met.
So leaving or betrayal of your spouse is not a gender trait, it is a character issue.
Part of the reason women are leaving their husbands more often, is because women are sick and tired and fed up. Women used to take it. We lose out on marriage. Usually the only thing a wife gets out of a marriage, are her children. It is not worth anymore, it for a woman to get married.
And we are supposed to adjust our bodies to look good for a man!! No way!!
Why would she, when he is going to get bored with her, expect her to exalt him, spoil him, but not like a mother, expect her to worship him, cook all the meals, take care of the children, clean up behind his mess, never have an opinion—or he will call it bossy, never ask him to do his share—-because he will call it nagging. Then ………..hge is going to pout and then cheat on her? Because he did not get the number of minutes in the sack after all she had to do!!!
Let me get this straight. He is the one who needs affirmation? Seriously??
Apparently, she needs affirmation two to three times more than him, based on the stats. But seriously, all this focus on him possibly cheating, when the danger that she’ll just decide one day that she no longer wants to honor her vows and leave is far more likely when you look at who is divorcing whom and for what reasons.
Jean, what you are saying is that it’s ok for women to end their marriages if they get “fed up” with their husbands. But if a man gets “fed up” with his wife, he’s a bad guy for leaving? Pick a consistent view and stick with it. Either it’s ok for both or ok for neither, but it can’t be ok for one and not ok for the other.
Tony, You wrote… “Jean, what you are saying is that it’s ok for women to end their marriages if they get “fed up” with their husbands.” Nowhere in my comment did I say it was okay. What I wrote was, that women are fed up and are leaving their marriages and I so understand it… with the constant stuff you marriage counselors choke us with, about doing actions such as… respect… submit… brag on… give sex all minutes of the day… keep yourself young… affirm him… exalt him… cook for him… go goo goo eyed over him… praise him in front of othe people, and on and on and on…
So sick and tired of it, We are worn out. Why do you think that wives keep writing here in frustration? They are trying to make some sense of all this stuff. This stuff, you all tell wives to do for husbands, but never to do for the wives. They can’t understand why there are no articles, pages, or comments from you all, where the husbands are scolded and belittled.
Some wives are still so gullible that they believe that the wife is to do all the affirming and honoring and lifting up. They do not know that God has told husbands to love the wife and honor her, and to submit to one another. Besides love, a woman DOES need respect, TOO!
Some women are too weak and so brainwashed to know that. That is why we women need to read all of God’s word for ourselves and stop putting our trust in men, and allowing men lifting marriage counselors and others, to tell us women that we should do all the loving, honoring, affirming, respecting, exalting, lifting up, bragging, etc.
Women leave marriages more often, because with all this “affirming” men are getting they are convinced they can have their cake and eat it to, so WHY would they “ruin” a good thing? Affirmation and sex at home and affirmation and sex outside the home. Right, so they (men) hurry up and divorce, the old “cheaper to keep her” mentality kicks in, and well, when the women finally wake up to having all this affirmation, give him such a big head (make that two heads) he now has the confidence to go cheat on this woman at home he withholds everything from, to keep her “in line” with his egotistically programmed self.
Women file, because lots of men two time against their wives.
Actually, the vast majority of women choosing to divorce are not divorcing abusive, adulterous or addicted men. When you read what Dr Willard Harley has to say about the subject, he writes that women who are victims of such behaviors are not the ones choosing to divorce. Instead, the majority of those who choose to divorce are divorcing men who may be clueless when it comes to meeting the emotional needs of their wives, but they are not abusive, adulterous or addicted.
As products of divorce, the modern generation has few role models for lasting love. That alone is a problem. But young women have an added burden: they’ve been raised in a society that eschews marriage. They’ve been taught instead to honor sex, singlehood and female empowerment.
Consider this “The world as we’ve known it for a very long time—one in which a woman’s value was tied to her role as a wife—is ending, right in front of us. It is now standard for a woman to spend years on her own, learning, working, earning, socializing, having sex, and yes, having babies in the manner she—and she alone—sees fit. We are living through the invention of independent female adulthood.”
This message is not an anomaly; the idea that women don’t need men or marriage is palpable. It began in earnest more than forty years ago, with the modern feminist movement. Feminists assured women their efforts would result in more satisfying marriages, but the result is something else altogether. It looks something like this:
1. Women postpone marriage indefinitely and move in and out of intense romantic relationships, or even live with their boyfriends for years at a time. Eventually, their biological clocks start ticking and many decide they better hurry up and get married to provide a stable home for their yet-to-be-born children. Trouble is, their boyfriend’s not willing to commit.
2. Marriage becomes a competitive sport. The complementary nature of marriage—in which two people work together, as equals, toward the same goal but with an appreciation for the qualities each gender brings to the table—has been obliterated. Today, husbands and wives are locked in a battle about whom does more on the home front and how they’re going to get everything done. That’s not a marriage. That’s war.
It’s time to say what no one else will: Feminism didn’t result in equality between the sexes – it resulted in mass confusion. Today, men and women have no idea who’s supposed to do what.
I was “there” in the early stages of feminism. It was more about giving women the freedom to choose, or to seek affirmation from elsewhere, as men were NOT giving it on the home front. It was removing the ideals from the times when women were more like a man’s “livestock” or property. It came about immediately on the verge of any efforts by women to have “rights” to NOT be in marriage slavery, or treated as property.
If men had been leading as God intended and reading past the “women must submit” part, doubtful feminisim would have ever had the seeds to have been born, in the first place.
Throw in the free love of the sixties, and birth control, and what you had was a shake up, of a man controlled world that enslaved women. Again, had MEN been able to follow scripture to the LETTER, and treat their women well, and stay loyal to ONE woman, doubtful feminism could take hold. Blaming feminism for what men were doing and apparently will always do, is just victim bashing of a collective, rather than women singled out. Call it the “herding” instinct where women have herded into larger groups, as they are just prey alone.
I still maintain, it is men to blame for feminism ever getting up and running in the first place. Just ask God, as he sets the rules. Too bad men didn’t pay attention to their PRIME responsibility for carrying them out FIRST.
Had men reserved some love for women, or their own offspring, and not given it all to the pursuit for the Almighty dollar, or more time in pursuit of homage to the Almighty God and his plan for happy, or worse, had men not loved self more than either or all three, I doubt we would have this chaos, now.
Maybe, but then if women are leaving those men, are they not adopting the same selfish behaviors for which you just criticized men?
So I agree, we shouldn’t be selfish. I disagree that the proper response to being selfish is to return it with more selfish behavior. If a marriage is bad, it is usually bad for both, not just one. To suggest that only one is suffering in a marriage discounts the reality of the human condition. Both husbands and wives are married to sinners. Both suffer the selfishness of their spouses, not just one.
Ah, the lovely legacy feminism has left for women. Nobody wants to say it but if she didn’t have a fancy career she would probably have had everything she wanted by now. The truth is, when the woman makes more money there is a significantly increased chance the marriage or relationship will end. The more women move up in the economy, the more unhappy they become. Experts here in the states are baffled that women supposedly “have it all” yet from every angle their happiness has been declining over the last 40 years relative to men’s.
I don’t work. I’ve never had a career. I’m one of those “deadbeat” housewives out there that “doesn’t do anything” (or at least that’s how modern society has come to view those like me thanks to feminism the truth is I do a lot). This story really made me want to cry but I know there are millions of other women just like her out there. I think hopefully my generation is slowly catching on that the feminist movement has been bad for us.
Actually, I think this comment and this article are both crocks. It comes down to the spouse’s character, not whether their partner is affirming them enough. You can affirm some people til the cows come home and it would still bode a bad future foe the wife.
Example- a dear friend of mine: beautiful, raised three well-adjusted, well-raised Christian kids on her own while her husband worked. They had a seemingly healthy marriage. Did have some spats but nothing major. He was treated like a king. She didn’t work because his job took him all over the world and she needed to stay home with the family. Whenever his job had them move, she dutifully took care of the logistics and followed him everywhere. She had stopped working as a nurse when she had their first child and his career took them overseas and has not worked since (about 17 years).
Today she is divorcing him because he decided he liked his assistants attention better.
Point is- you can be the best spouse and it wouldn’t matter. If your husband has a bad character where he feels entitled to affirmations, and abuses his wife’s trust, the marriage breaks up. I truly dislike these kinds of articles. They imply that a person who cannot be self confident on their own need to find it elsewhere. And when they don’t, it gives them free reign to behave Dishonourably. What if he feels unaffirmed because actually made a huge mistake? Maybe accountability is the solution?
The Prodigal Son’s brother did all the right things for his father and stayed very close to his dad through proximity but was very far from his father relationally. A wife can be a “good wife” on the outside but her heart can be far from her husband’s heart in the inside. Going to church faithfully doesn’t make you more of a Christian than visiting an auto shop regularly make you a car. People can mask their intent by their actions but their heart will be discovered through their ultimate actions.
If she initiated divorce then she’s following her heart, which may have always been like it is now. Judas Iscariot never had much concern about Jesus but only what Jesus could do for him. Jeremiah 17:9 talks about the heart. The world tells women to follow their heart.
Sparrow, I respectfully disagree about “following the heart.” Yes, sometimes it can lead you in a good way, but other times it can be deceiving. Our heart can cause us to be attracted to someone who is wrong for us… but because of the feelings we have for this person, we go with them anyway. I’ve seen women and men follow their hearts into abusive, and horrible relationships because the dysfunctional, harmful ways of this other person didn’t come out until later. I’ve also seen children abandoned by their moms and dads because that parent decided to “follow their heart” and do what they thought was best. Meanwhile, the children are devastated… and affected for the rest of their lives… not to mention what this does to the other abandoned spouse who was promised a lifetime of devotion.
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts… it is the “wellspring of life.” “There is a way that seems right to a man (or woman) but its end leads to death.” We need to engage our hearts because love is a matter of the heart (and of the mind and soul), but we need to be “on the alert” as to where we allow it to take us.
The Bible says a man is responsible for providing food clothing and intimacy; if he doesn’t she is free to leave. This is an abusive response and very judgmental. Women are supposed to rely on a man. The blame game always seems to be on a woman’s role these days from Christians. It’s so not true. Biblically the man is to be strong enough to be the head like Christ imagine if Jesus the head starts to change his mind about presenting us to the father without spot or wrinkle and blames us cause we don’t make him feel good. Please.
I say this as a man has a responsibility and it seems more and more we allow him to abandon it and it’s ok blame the wife. A wife is not to blame he has a free will. The world doesn’t influence Christian women the church does. I am amazed though how this article was addressed to the woman being the problem. Sarah told Abraham to sleep with Hagar. A while later hager mocked Sarah and Sarah got upset and told Abraham to get rid of her. The word says Abraham went to God and complained about Sarah God rebuked him and told him to go submit to Sarah. In the New Testament we are told we are Sarah’s daughters if we serve our husbands without fear. That means we have to speak up sometimes and the man may not like it but if we are one he must be a man about it even God himself doesn’t stand judge between us as couples. So why does the church. The church should stand back and give the same advice to men go home and fix it stop winging and looking else where to feel better there is no better than your wife respect her.
So, Cat, where did our self-confidence come from? Someone, somewhere in your past, probably at a very young age, made a point to build your self-esteem and self-confidence and the result is the proud, mature, all-together woman you are today. Seems you are not reluctant to take all the credit for this good outcome.
I agree. I believe this is a Christian forum and even as it relates to marriage we should strive to be Christ like and work on putting the proclivities of the flesh to rest. We have to do better.
Ah, we are so quick to judge…But I disagree with the premise of this article. I do not accept that I should affirm my husband INTO good behavior, emotional maturity and faithfulness. I will affirm him for displaying those things. We are in a generation of men anong who there is rampant selfishness and emotional immaturity, disguised as “how men are” (men don’t talk about feelings, or have feelings, or self confidence, and are all macho and locked up). They are sorely lacking in positive role models, and I’ve seen many women who are just married to adult sized babies who are threatened by their own wives intelligence or people skills, or _____ even if the wife does not work. These aren’t women who are bashing their men…. They are women who eventually tire of raising their husbands alongside their children and living without the active and emotional support they have given. Really? Affirm **those** husbands?
When and where are these husbands being challenged and motivates to just plain grow up? When some of those couples divorce, these women have to restart a career put on hold in favor of their husbands, while continuing to do the lion’s share of family care, shop for Christmas & birthday presents, choose summer camps & put together easter baskets whike the men live like bachelors and babysitters. I’m all for affirming good behavior, but affirming your husband into it, or to prevent him from straying is ludicrous. If he has a straying eye, let’s have a high enough expectation of him as an adult to share with his wife what he isn’t getting from her. Perhaps there’s a reason why? Maybe they both need to get on a better page… To insinuate that she’s responsible for his poor response (straying) to her weak affirmation is only a little better than blaming a woman’s rape on how she was dressed…not an utter moral failure of the man. Time for everyone to grow up.
I totally agree with you.
Carin and Cat…you both articulated my thoughts exactly! Most women are caretakers which also means they give encouragement, support, and affirmations freely and often. They are also the ones who come last in line for meeting their own needs (sad but true) and they are typically passive aggressive. With that being said, if a wife is not throwing out enough affirmations to her hubby she may just be exhausted and/or out of ego stroking energy! In my case, It was never enough and rarely given in return. When I finally stopped stroking his ego and instead started calling him out on his bad behavior he did exactly what this article described.
Cat from Canada, Right on! I could not agree with you more. In fact, YOU should write these articles. Once again, according to this article, it boils down to the woman’s actions or inactions that lead husbands to stray. Affirmation. It’s something we ALL need, men and women equally. What’s wrong with talking openly with your spouse as in, “hey, lately I feel like you don’t appreciate or respect me. Can we talk?” Too many people, my husband included, seek attention and praise from outside of the marriage. You know, from women who are dressed up for work, not nagging and seemingly interested in every word (much different from home!).
But it’s life. Most of the time it’s hard, not glamorous full of things to do and stressful. What a bunch of BS to imply that men need their ego stroked ALL THE TIME because that’s just who they are. And us women, well, we’re too busy making sure we stay quiet and obedient and that our boobs and butts don’t sag all while we play housekeeper. To my husband: I’m sorry your character is lacking and you are no longer confident in the life we have worked so hard to build together. The girls and I will be fine you jerk.
Bam! Cat from Canada NAILED It! A man is a man when he acts like it, otherwise, he’s just a boy. A man shouldn’t seek affirmation outside of his marriage, and a wife shouldn’t nag. But a wife should be able to say when she is unhappy, and a husband and wife need to be able to work together to make the marriage work. It is a collaborative effort. MOST divorces occur not with first the revelation of cheating, but the finances. A financially insecure man is more insecure with himself. If he’s not willing to take responsibility for his family, and make his job the means and not the end, the marriage will likely survive.
TOO OFTEN what is happening (and this is the reason this middle-aged woman never married–NOT because of my career, but because I can’t find a man who wants to be a stand up guy), that men use their careers to further their self-esteem. THIS IS SOOO DANGEROUS, because then the family is competing with the husband and father for his dedication. He will make excuses until the cows come home, leave home, and come back again, but ultimately, if he says it’s his job that’s ruling their family situation, he is: a.) not being honest with himself and/or b.) he’s not being honest with his family. THE FAMILY HAS TO COME FIRST.
This is what marriage IS SUPPOSED TO BE: A man cleaves to his wife as if she is his own flesh, not someone merely he comes home to when he’s around, and the woman must cleave to her husband as if he is her flesh. By the way, feminism has destroyed manlihood, and keeps them as boys. It’s not that there are woman who have to work to survive, but women who put the cart before the horse and don’t demand that men be men before and after marriage. They sleep together, live together, etc. before marriage, and they will even contracept and abort their children, if “necessary”. They borrow money like there’s no tomorrow, and they spend it in the same vein. So, ok. I’ll be constructive: If we’re Christ-fearing in a holy way, where we truly love the Lord and want to please him, let’s be honest with ourselves about our own responsibilities, and about the nature of marriage as God intended.
Firstly I want to say to Cat from Canada that it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit more open-minded. This article wasn’t written to be a “one size fits all” message, but seeks to shed some light on what may be going on in certain relationships and how we can get a better understanding of what our partners may be going through as understanding begets empathy. One tragic story is not proof that this article is a crock as you put it. There are more people in this world than you can imagine and each and everyone of them are different in their own way. You can’t make a generalization that large as to say what will/won’t work for others just because of the experience of one.
It’s our job to take care of home, affirmation of our husband is just part of taking care of home! A man’s work is sun to sun, a woman’s work is never done!!!
It’s not wise to make an article for loving wives to read that suggest it is the woman’s fault that her un affirmed husband runs to porn, etc. I understand you want her to understand the temptations he faces when he feels less than adequate but he is facing TEMPTATION. Spiritually it is the same temptation a woman faces to “tear him down” That is all. If he runs to “other” sources of significance (idols) instead of to God he is in spiritual rebellion against the lord and his wife. IT IS NOT HER FAULT. It is HIS responsibility to submit to God’s authority wnen he isn’t getting what he”needs”from his wife. Scripture makes it clear no man can fill the space of significance in our hearts, not our wives or husbands can do that for us. Maybe instruct with out blaming his failure to do the right thing on his wifes inadequacies?
That was the truth. I agree whole heartedly. As a woman I’ve never been a submissive type by nature in fact the opposite. But the Bible says for women to submit and be in reverence of our husbands, meaning viewing our men with awe and respect. It’s extremely hard to do for me personally esspecially when we tend to feel like we’re competing against a ton of things to even keep him happy therefore home.
I do believe most men today as well as us women need some serious heart healing. And the confidence on both parties will come when it flows out of a healed whole person. I believe the only way at this point is to follow Jesus and ask Jesus every second what to do. Seriously. Before we even speak if we’re feeling any negative feelings we should ask God for understanding and what to say and do. Then the Holy Spirit can do some work on our husbands for us and they won’t resent us or run but actually be healed through our relationship with Jesus. It takes some real discipline.
But every man is broken because of sin and so are we women. We’re all just acting and reacting. We need to become whole and our relationships will naturally prosper. It’s not a matter of fake it till you make it force yourself to do What’s necessary. It’s don’t judge. Ask God for guidance in all things including our emotions and heal eachother. Our men need God. And so do we.
We spend so much time affirming that we get tired and it becomes unrealistic. I can say that my husband is everything to me and the thought of him not being around scares the living day light out of me. But this is me being insecure and deep down I know that it is through male psychological dominance that I’m feeling this way. I should respect and be a good house wife with all the shirts washed and ironed.
On the other hand we are threatened by feminism even by our husbands and the wives at home including myself, are made to feel guilty. In addition, we have to receive the stress that the husband brings home from work whilst our baby brains shrivel up even more and gradually it us us who feel hopeless, so we can’t win? And the saying Ladies of Leisure, tugs at my hair! I would love to hand 20 pooey nappies to any working person and smile whilst they run a mile.
Affirmation should work both ways and it is not only about building confidence in the man but also receiving it back and every once in a while hear that we too are doing a good job, not told that we have it easy and aren’t paying the bills.
We have it hard enough and a relationship works two ways. Affirming a man who can’t see past his own tail, is living a dishonest fairy tale. If my husband is stressed from work and moans about the house having a crumb on the floor, I will tell him that he should get the hoover out. I am in no way going to turn around and say, yes sweetheart you are right, I am your slave and you are a wonderful king. In the end you will praise and praise and they will only recall the bad things about you in return and all your efforts are unnoticed. Finding something good to say in both is good but placing a heavy weight on one side of the seesaw is only asking for trouble. Accepting each persons flaws forms a healthy relationship, masking them builds one huge house on sand. So yes, I guess we can keep all our feelings in a glass bottle but one day it will break.
Just a question. Does your affirmation, you know telling him everyday how much you care, match the actions that you have towards him? I am a husband who is battling multiple problems related to the service. I have become increasingly agitated and authorative in my marriage. I hear how much I am wanted everyday, but I do not feel it. I recently surprised my spouse with a night away. Top notch hotel, beautiful new dress and accessories, and a rose petal filled room and bed upon our return. I was thanked with a meltdown at the beginning and a lonely end at bedtime.
I attribute my change to finally asserting my opinion and making myself heard. I want to be heard and listened to as much as I do in return. I do not want a doormat nor do I want a criticizer. This is not about feminism or male dominance. I just want to be listened to.
Your reply lies heavily on a man being the problem and I believe my wife would write the same. What are your thoughts about this side of the conversation and what is a husband to do in this case? Are we just supposed to believe the words and ignore the actions? ~Stephen
A woman does not respond to authoritative agitated men, believe me. It always surprises me when men are shocked when their wife lashes out. We’re expected to always be chilled out. If we display anger or agitation we just get a calm down dear! Then we’re treated like we don’t have a range of emotions.
Your wife can sense these weekends away, which is code for how I want to get sex off you. A vast majority of women don’t just lie back and take it. They just clam up and make an exit. If women were respected as sexual beings that had strong desires, life would be different.
While your idea of a lovely night is nice maybe it was not thought out all the way through and she knows it, making her feel as if she’s invisible and that you’re just out for what’s important to you, when her feelings should be considered also.
Have you ever asked her what she would like to do? Just give her the reins? Say, “I’d like to do something nice and fun with you that YOU want to do” for a change… and MEAN IT and then DO THAT THING.
If you can build on that and REALLY hear her maybe your whole relationship would turn around.
She could be angry at you for a whole laundry list of things, but still love you. If she hasn’t tried to coax you in any other way and just walled herself off that’s another story altogether, she may have “check out”.
This article is awful. I’m so tired of women being dumped on for not being “nurturing” enough when it is mostly women who are nurturers (not all, just a large portion of women).
Some people are pathological narcissists and don’t know how to have anything beyond a surface relationship. They seem wonderful on the outside, appear very generous but get to know them and they are typically siphoning off time and energy away from where it belongs with spouse, children, family, on a regular basis, instead choosing to spend their efforts on superficial relationships because they get to wear the “good guy/good girl” face and they won’t be getting a steady stream of sunshine blown up their tails with truly intimate relationships.
This is an incredible place here where so many perspectives are being heard and shown for sure. I’m realizing the answer is almost never “do”. It’s usually stop. Listen. Pray. Slow to speak quick to listen. A lot of men seem to my experience, to be very distant, distracted and far away. But that doesn’t mean women need to do more. Maybe a back run and ask him how he is. You’re real proud of him but you’re sure he has alot of pressure on his shoulders.
We ALL need to hear we’re doing a good job. Praying really helps. You cannot give any man everything he needs. Not can he give you everything we need. Only God can do that. We can’t even pour love and affirmations on our husband if our tanks are empty. Who’s filling our tank up? God can. And we should all get to know God more. When we do that We actually start naturally pouring love and affirmations on everyone around us not just our husbands and everyone starts prospering. Anytime you feel lonely go to God. Any time you need some attention or feel misunderstood go to God. In prayer. He’ll take care of you him and everything.
That’s for sure.
I guess I’m a little bothered by the lack of solid theology in this article. To want affirmation and encouragement is human and so is wanting to be genuinely honored and respected when we are doing a good job. But when we don’t get it and we sin in response, then we’ve made that desire into a demand. Anything that causes us to be willing to sin when our desires aren’t met is an IDOL. This article somewhat normalizes sin and comes close to making it sound as if it’s not an adult choice to do so and as if men are not responsible to examine their hearts and police their own motives, as any Christian is. Men don’t stray because they aren’t getting affirmation. They stray because they’ve made their wives’ responses their source of worth and identity.
I would be the first to admit how hard it is to put down the flesh (the part of us that rises up and says we are entitled to something and if we aren’t getting it, we are justified in doing whatever in response). I’ve poured affirmation into my husband. When he wants or needs something, I go gang busters to help him get it. I usually have supper on the table when he gets home I’m often able to spot when something is bugging him and through prayer, get an idea of how to help him. I have areas of lax discipline as well where there is a need for improvement and lately I’ve become a bit shrill and bitter towards him so I am not perfect. Yet there’s little in the way of encouragement from him. He has been verbally abusive, irresponsible, selfishly one sided and disloyal when it comes to standing with me when someone else is treating me badly. Yet I have not withheld affirmation and encouragement from him for the entire decade we’ve been married. No matter how much I do, he sees only the negative. It’s really, really frustrating to live with someone who only sees obstacles, barriers, negatives and impossibilities and since this is an anonymous post, I will tell you that quite honestly I’ve struggled lately with being fed up with him, sick of constant miserly and critical attitude. He’s a glass half empty kind of fellow. I can do 8 out of ten things well or right and he sees only the two not done right. He has an amazing ability to turn a positive into a negative.. Its as if he delights in taking away every bit of joy in every little thing and negating my contributions. He refuses to examine his own life and be honest with himself about what is particular issues and their roots are. There is very little reward in being his wife and plenty of discouraging, crazy making frustration. It’s hard to live with someone who worships his own proud image of himself and is not interested in seeing anything else. So should there be a commensurate article that says “Be careful men, if you don’t value and encourage your wife, she will eventually kick your sorry hiny to the curb”? That does actually happen so does that mean we should orient our responses around fear of what our husbands or wives might do? No, I don’t think so. That idea just promotes fear based idolatry even more. Idolatry is already the problem, promoting it won’t fix it. Much idolatry in marriage has to do with getting married and then attempting to turn marriage into the nurturing and secure caretaking we didn’t get. There’s that need turned entitled demand thing again. This is why some folks get married and immediately sag to the floor and become helpless sandbags, looking to their partners to provide these things for them and then falling apart when the spouse can’t or won’t. When we aren’t granted our idol, a defiling root of bitterness sets in. Been there. Am there but aware of it.
Here’s what I think is a wiser and more scriptural alternative. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Seek to worship Jesus first in all that You do and make having a good connection with Him Your most important and fulfilling priority. I’m not suggesting that Christ being first means we don’t have problems or that marriage can’t disappoint. But it can mean that we have peace in the midst of a storm and that our fulfillment isn’t resting on another person’s performance. This actually frees us to accept that we’ve married a sinner full of weaknesses and flaws and to love based on Christ instead of performance. It also frees us to have the moral authority to confront when it is bibilcally needful, such as in cases of abuse that are ongoing. If you’ve become dependent on something you dare not rock the boat. I think the church is elevating marriage to a place that is near idolatry of marriage. The success of life doesn’t rest on solid marriages. It rests on solid commitment to Christ and all the rest of it follows after that. No matter how legitimate some of the things we want from our spouses are or how biblical they are, the fact remains that God designed marriage as an opportunity for serving and giving to another person, for becoming Christlike and holy. Approach marriage with an eye to seeking to be happy and it short circuits. In fact I’ve heard a rumour that He will purposely sabotage our idols until we are seeking Him as the well spring of our lives and hearts. It’s a rotten trick, I know, but He’s gone and designed the whole universe so that it only really works and hums when the focus is on seeking Him as the Supreme love object, and self giving without thought of anything in return. The real ironic rub is that when we do this, those things we were panting after come around on their own. But turn and pursue them and they flee like frightened deer who decline to be corralled. Woe to the person who successfully manages to corral his or her idol. Like the manna that the Israelites were told not to hoard, it changes form into something repugnant and nasty when we do so. From my human perspective I’m tempted to exclaim, what a dirty trick! But I know that the universe was designed around Him and not me and that there’s perfect, glorious wisdom in this.
RE Andy: Andy I’m sorry that you have suffered being flamed for attempting to say that men juggle too. I don’t know if you’re a single dad or married. But I do know of men who have “sandbag” wives who aren’t doing their jobs for various reasons, and so these guys come home from a long day at a physical job, and push a vacuum and don an apron and lift dripping children out of bathtubs to help make their homes run smoothly. Then they go out and mow the lawn or change the spark plugs in the car or fix the shingles on the roof that blew off in the last windstorm. No one has an exclusive corner on righteousness and no one is without sin.
I know at least two men whose wives are in a wheelchair and so these guys do their own jobs and also shoulder the lion’s share of what would usually be her duties. It’s true that there are a lot of guys who whine and complain and make out like they do it all when really they just attend to their own corner of the world. But it’s not always that way. Folks having the blind mentality of a teenager who has no clue what it takes to put food on the table or run a household are not new and are not restricted to one gender.
Well said! This is by far the most realistic and balanced view. Yes, the answer is in first seeking God –to build, heal and restore every part of our being (Mind/Soul/Spirit) and not in attempting to look to our spouse to complete us. This will never happen for they are just as imperfect.
In close intimacy with God, everything on this earth just pars into insignificance –one becomes more forgiving, gracious and loving. To Respond or To React –the choices just become easier. In Christ-likeness, there is a palpable sense of Holy reverence that even our spouse can feel –surely respect, honor, protection and wisdom comes from Him.
Great post!
What this article provides is unadulterated fundamentals. What you guys discuss is tainted experiences. Stick to the fundamentals but don’t be a fool is what I’ll say.
It’s like at work, we offer people openness, and chances, we show trust and we provide backup support. When all fails, it’s a bad apple. We do not look at bad apples outside our work and start by looking at our close staff members as bad apples. That is a lost game, already.
Hello: I’ve read the main article for the first time. As a married man the issues spoke about. Inside this really hit home for me. I then scrolled down many replies. But for what ever reason I stopped at yours. I found myself reading through your thoughts. Then encountered that wall which is built around you.
In my daily life that wall was built right in front of me by my wife. I couldn’t read any more, I’m sorry. One point that you made regarding your relationship with God, has me replying to you.. I have been reading a book from John Eldridge,
“Wild at Heart,” a must read for all men, religious or not, they must read it. My point is perhaps the time should be taken to read the book noted for women in this article. It may help you out..
A quote if you don’t mind…”THE GREATEST CHALLENGE IN LIFE IS DISCOVERING WHO YOU ARE. THE SECOND GREATEST IS BEING HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU FIND”
Please take care of yourself and good luck John…
Well Jen and other people, I was abandoned completely by humans from maternity and with many years with many people. I never was loved by any woman. For contrary I was always used for revenge and dirty sentiments inter humans and cry again and again and again and again disappointed. I wish all that time to be loved and offer my love to a woman but it never happened. So I realize again one fact, curiously, I do not hate humans for contrary I discovered they are like flowers, very sensible, very jealous, depending from many things like climate change, atmospheric pressure, chemicals from aliments, negative and positive bio-energies, if they have opportunity of good education or have bad education, if they are involved in hate and revenge and many material ideas collected from this Social System where this System teach people from childhood most concurrence material life who represent for to many people from this planet, just material way but, no sentiments.
Even from little child I was marginalized and many ugly things were done to me, from many others. But even when I was tortured many times I have never had complexes and wish to be loved and feel a woman to wish from me my love and my protection. Of course, that never happened. I do not know why. I came on this world of God where I feel others around me and give each other affection or true love and from when I realize an existing relationship like that each others I tell my self, I am not from this World God and I always was grey and nonexistent. So, curiously, even in pains to feel always abandoned, I discovered an single sense of Life, Love, but not any kind of imagination just True Love when man and woman construct this, they will never die.
Any way, a life for people may not be a material life but an opportunity to construct and give each other man and woman True Love what I do not feel from anybody. I want mean with this, is curious when an orphan man feel other in love or each other receive affection why they can’t construct True Love when they have just one opportunity and contrary, transform that opportunity in negative way? What’s happened with Humanity and with the World of God?
I just wonder how you are supposed to affirm if your husband is always to tired, always working, and always puts the kids first. What happened to meeting each other half way?
Good point!
That’s a tough one. I’d even say I’ve had the same struggle. The only answer I have is prayer. But sometimes you just have to come out with it. He may really not know how to love and be intimate. Intimacy (into me). I’ve experienced that with my husband. But I had to fight just a little. A little bit of connect time every night goes a long way. Everyone deserves that. Maybe find a show you can watch together if it’s hard to know what the relationship is really missing or why we’re all acting the way we are.
We like Marriage Today on CTN. Or I share stories of my life and how I feel about things during that or what I experienced today and sometimes they’ll open up also. Its not always affirmations they need. Its someone truley knowing their soul and thinking they’re awesome anyways. Its being best friends. Not just performance. Turns out my husband always clammed up because he had some real inner struggles going on inside and was feeling shameful and was afraid of seeming less manly in front of me or afraid I’d lose respect for him. So he kept a wall up. Shoot for transparency and a safe zone to share and be human together. Pray pray pray! The movie War Room really inspired me and I’ve seen so many answered prayers. God is for you. And wants you to have life abundantly. Ask him for help in all things. Even to soften and open your husbands heart to you and yours to him.
If they feel their containers are too fragile, maybe they should see a psychologist… Or get a less stressful job and take a pay cut.
My hubby is not communicating with me, and doesn’t trust me. We have many misunderstandings; he is not ready to talk it over, not ready to give our relationship another chance.
This article is complete nonsense. Women deserve as much affirmation and respect in their personal lives as men do. Men need to put in the time and attention to their wives and marriages to make it work as much as she does. IT IS NOT HER FAULT if he decides his vows aren’t worth the effort and looks elsewhere for temporary pleasure and ego boosts. That is not a mature married man.
Marm, You’re missing the point of the article. Of course, women deserve “as much affirmation and respect in their personal live as men do.” But this article is not addressing men. There are other articles posted on this web site, which address men on this issue of building up their wives. Also, you’re right that men “need to put time and attention into their wives and marriages to make it work as much as she does.” Again, that isn’t the point of this article –that point is also addressed in other articles.
The point is that if a wife is continually withdrawing affirmation and is continually critical, etc… of her man, then he isn’t going to be as fast to want to spend time with her. One of the things that attracted him to her was her affirmation and such.
We ALL need affirmation. Yes, the “mature married man” would not look for “ego boosts” where he shouldn’t. Just as a person who is exceedingly hungry shouldn’t look for food where he shouldn’t –especially “forbidden fruits.” But the reality is that it happens. This is just a warning to women to realize that it’s important not to keep withdrawing affirmation from her husband –to try to find at least SOME ways to build him up so he wants to spend more time with her. It’s not good to keep a husband (or a wife) starving for affection and affirmation. Sadly, many times there are others who will step in and give it, which then brings temptation to this starving man (or woman). The author, Shaunti Feldham is not justifying cheating, she’s just giving wives a “heads up” as to an important thing to do that we sometimes forget.
A marriage is a partnership… a husband should affirm his wife and support her too. If a man is unhappy and feels he’s not getting enough attention, then he should pour attention on his wife so that she can reciprocate… act inwardly towards the marriage rather than looking outside. And if he or she cheats, then that choice and responsibility is 100% his or her fault respectively. Both husbands and wives may contribute to the dissatisfaction in a marriage, but cheating is a selfish and damaging act which is a selfish choice. One can suggest marriage counseling, serve divorce papers if so miserable, but neither spouse should feel entitled to cheat. Marriages cannot be expected to be “perfect”, but it’s both of their responsibilities to speak up about their needs and not passive-aggressively harbor resentment. Act to mend, and if it’s so awful, then get divorced before cheating.
After my husband’s mother died, there was not enough affirmation that could come from me to make up for her loss. Instead my husband turned to having emotional affairs on the internet with older women to validate some part of himself, I couldn’t.
The last straw in our marriage came when he wanted us to sleep on his mother’s bedframe, which he had inherited from her house. I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep on the frame that she had wasted away on before her death in the hospital from cancer. So, as a result my husband filed for divorce. In the end I think I’ll be better for it. I fear he will never be validated enough by a single woman now that the primary force in his life is gone.