Have you ever noticed how the adulterous woman in the book of Proverbs seduces the unwitting young man? It’s not with sex (okay, it’s not just with sex); it’s with flattery. “She threw her arms around him. And with a brazen look she said, ‘I’ve offered my sacrifices and just finished my vows. It’s you I was looking for!’ …With her flattery she enticed him. He followed her at once” (from Proverbs 7).
Flattery is simply a seductive counterfeit for affirmation. As one marriage counselor told me, “Affirmation is everything. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. When he’s not, he is sapped of his confidence and even his feeling of manhood. And believe me, he will, consciously or unconsciously, seek out places where he receives affirmation.”
Home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. If a man knows that his wife believes in him, he is empowered to do better in every area of his life. Men tend to think of life as a competition and a battle. They can energetically fight it out if they can come home to someone who supports them unconditionally. They need someone who will wipe their brow and tell them they can do it. As one of our close friends told me, “It’s all about whether my wife thinks I can do it. A husband can slay dragons, climb mountains, and win great victories if he believes his wife believes that he can.”
Don’t tear him down!
If instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus on our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want—for him to do it right.
But I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family. And 44 percent of men actually felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work —men between their ages of thirty-six and fifty-five —felt even less appreciated.
I’ll bet the wives or girlfriends of these men would be surprised to learn that they didn’t feel appreciated. My guess is that most of us do appreciate our men but don’t show it enough.
He’ll seek affirmation somewhere
If a man isn’t convinced that his woman thinks he’s the greatest, he will tend to seek affirmation elsewhere. He may spend more hours at work, where he feels alive and on top of his game. Or he may spend too much time talking to the admiring female associate. He may immerse himself in watching or playing sports, feeling the thrill of the competitive rush. Or he may retreat to his workshop or his home office. He may feel like he can control things there even if he feels inadequate and clumsy elsewhere.
“Why else do you think,” one man asked me, “so many men take sports so seriously? It’s something they feel good at, something they’ve practiced. They are admired and encouraged by other men on the field. People say ‘good hit?’ or ‘good shot!’ or show by tightening their defense that they know you’re about to smoke them. There’s nothing like that feeling. But I feel that same way at home when my wife applauds me for bringing in a big business deal. I also feel this when she brags to her friends about what a good father I am. It’s that same feeling.”
Need Affirmation
During my clinical research for The Lights of Tenth Street, several experts told me that a chronic lack of affirmation is one reason so many men slip into pornography addiction. For whatever reason, they feel like less than a man, so they seek —and find! —affirmation in pornography. As one man pointed out, “All those women in the men’s magazines convey one message: ‘I want you, and you are the most desirable man in the world.’ My wife may be nagging me at home, the kids may be disobedient, and I may be worried about messing up at work, but look at the woman in that picture makes me feel like a man.”
If affirmation is indeed everything, why should a man have to look for it in other places when he has a wife who loves and respects him? There’s nothing wrong with work, sports, or hobbies —it’s wonderful for him to feel alive and encouraged in those pursuits —but they shouldn’t have to be a retreat from an un-affirming home life.
Create a safety zone
Obviously, if many of our men spend their workdays feeling like they are always being watched and judged, it is no wonder that they want to come home to a totally accepting environment, where they can safely let their guard down. Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace and not constantly worry that they are one misstep away from being exposed.
If we don’t realize this and are perhaps too attentive to their mistakes at home, we risk creating a situation that is the opposite of what we want. Most of us want our men to be able to relax and truly open up to us. But in many ways, it is up to us to create the intimate, safe environment that makes that possible.
We may think that the adage, “his home must be his haven” is antiquated and unnecessary these days, but that is far from the truth. In fact, as the workplace has gotten harsher and less loyal, more demanding and less tolerant of mistakes, I’d say it’s even more important that a man’s home be a haven. Most of the men I talked with crave a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
The gift of confidence
I heard from many men, “Men put a lot of pressure on themselves.” On the survey, one husband pleaded, “I want my wife to know and understand my weaknesses, failings, short-comings, and still want me. I need her to be my number one source of encouragement to become the man God created me to be.”
We might think we wouldn’t have the ability to change our man’s feelings of workplace inadequacy. We would be wrong. By staunchly supporting our men, showing that we believe in them, and providing an emotionally safe environment to come home to, we can help give them at least the emotional confidence they need to dive back into the daily workplace fray.
In his autobiography, Jack: Straight from the Gut, Jack Welch, the famous chairman and CEO of General Electric, provides an insight for businessmen that is important for every wife —and mother —to hear.
Speaking about his mother, he wrote:
Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self-confidence. It’s what I’ve looked for and tried to build in every executive who has every worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self-confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do —rewarding them after each success in every way possible.
A wife can give her husband that confidence (just as, hopefully, a husband can for his wife). It’s not about being the supportive “little woman.” It’s about realizing that despite their veneer of confidence, our husbands really do “carry their treasures in fragile containers.” They crave our affirmation for how they did on that play. Also, it’s about sending the man we love into the world every day —alive with the belief that he can slay dragons.
This article comes from the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
— ALSO —
There is also available: For Women Only Discussion Guide: A Companion to the Bestseller about the Inner Lives of Men. This book is written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, and is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used in small groups. It can even be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to equip you in your own life.
Filed under: For Married Women
Listen to this now will you. As if men are the only ones who are sexually tempted by others while married. Women are the worst perpetrators of this offense. All those men they are ‘friends’ with. They aren’t just ‘friends’. Please, do us all a favor and quit trying to play like you’re all angels.
So, Here I am 56 years old and in 27 years I have cooked, cleaned, prepped meals for the family when I leave for a week. I travel for business. I do 95% of the cooking all hot and ready when they come home. I do the groceries, tend to the outdoors. Shuttle the kids now in their 20’s around… Offer and do planned romantic nights get always, try to reinforce positive emotional deposits, back rubs.
All I get is I don’t do public displays of affection, you don’t say thank you for things that are expected… I’m a camel so no need for sex. Perky, get some else. How do you cope with this environment when there is nothing to build on?
God can And will restore all things. Sounds like he feels empty on the inside and has nothing to give. Pray for him. Go to church together.
This could have been written by many men who are caretakers of families. Marriage to someone who is that selfish is no marriage at all but indentured serdom.
I think this is something both parties need to be a part of –not just the wife for the husband, but also the husband for the wife. Support is key to all relationships, especially those closest to us.
There is also the matter of personal accountability. Not receiving enough affirmations does NOT excuse poor behavior. When we reach our tipping point, we all react a little differently. Some yell, some cuss, some throw things, others shut down, or make passive aggressive comments. We all have a tipping point –fact. Life is full of stresses that push us closer to that point –fact. It’s our responsibility to provide positive self-care to get away from those tipping points –fact.
Self care needs to be a balance of relational, emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual health. This responsibility is your own, not your spouse’s. Affirmation is part of a healthy relationship. Self care is part of a healthy life.
What a crock! If he decides to go seek affirmation elsewhere, then eventually that “elsewhere” will also tire of stroking his ego. Who wants a man whose internal conversation is constantly telling him he needs someone else’s approval to reinforce his self-worth. I refuse.
I agree with Kate. Right to the point, Kate. Each of us has to find drive, ambition and social life of our own and BRING it to our spouses. Yes, we have to be affirmed. Some men require so much attention, and give so little in return, there is nothing left of us.
Honestly, it is very hard to feel safe in a relationship when a man is prone to cheating because he feels that he has to contribute too much in the relationship. The STD’s and misery are not worth the good times because all those good times will all be shattered the second you get sick from all his cheating and years of your life and youth are cut short.
This is so very true. Us men, are tough on the outside but can be fragile on the inside. We keep a hard heart to the rest of the world: work, associates, etc. that when we come home we hope it’s a safe haven. We hope that we can relax and be accepted for who we are, faults and all.
The only times I’ve ever looked at another woman besides my wife in a certain way was when my wife was giving me hassles at home. And not the usual argument, because everyone argues once in a while. But in those instances where my wife belittles me or makes me feel less of a man. In those situations where the whole world seems to be going against me for one reason or another and I’ve had a streak of bad fortune. Instead of supporting me or standing by me, despite all of the bad things that have happened, instead she berates me or blames me. It’s in those instances where I’m the weakest against flattery from another woman.
Wa! Wa! Wa!
It’s amazing how many women on these comments lash out when a man is being honest: Wa! Really? Then you wonder why more men say “never again” and move on. And why so many young men are hesitant to marry in the first place. Self fulfilling to say the least, but go ahead and keep mocking anyone you please… then ask yourself why men simply become indifferent to you.
Hahaha. I get it. Everyone should own their own stuff. Be responsible. Don’t make excuses. But unfortunately only God can cure that whole in all our hearts. Anytime you rely on a woman for that you’ll always be led to keep looking elsewhere.
Hi Gina, I hope the writer sees your reply, but this was written over 1 year ago. Yes your reply of course makes sense… but there is nothing in here that suggests that MtlChip and husband are believers. Seems more difficult… she perhaps needs to really sit him down and tell him how she feels in a way which does not leave him feeling attacked, but rather informed about a situation which needs to be addressed.
I know that, as a man, I do not see some things very well at all, and I need my wife to spell it out for me. You’re right though, seems he may well feel empty inside…. Not easy, that’s for sure. Sounds like this has been ongoing for several years at least. I hope MtlChip comes back…..
It was nice of you to reply…. WP (Work in Progress)
Thank you Gina; so true!!!
This article is okay for women but to men I say, suck it up. Yes, frail men want and need affirmation, but don’t be frail. You set yourself up for failure. If God is pleased with you he’ll let you know. That is enough. Quit giving love to get love. Give unconditionally. This even applies to your marriage.
Adopt a life of discipline and a degree of asceticism. Quit pigging out on food, sex, sports, entertainment etc. Be responsible for absolutely everything you can be responsible for. Don’t expect anyone to pick up after you, do your laundry, cook your meals, pay the bills, take care of the children, etc. If she does them, fine. Be genuinely grateful, but quit expecting it. If she wants to please you, she will do it to please God.
I couldn’t have said it better.
Absolutely…
Yes really! But…Why they need it is as important a question as any. What is it they need and can it ever even come from us anyways? If they feel like a failure no amount of saying “no you’re not a failure” will cure that pain. That’s why it doesn’t work. Genuine gratitude towards a man is amazing to them for all they do. Not a pat on the back and a good job baby! But really gratitude is key; but also they need their hearts healed and a relationship with God that assures them they’re doing the rights things and they’re right where they’re supposed to be. This society says only a couple things. You’re not doing enough. Go do more. But contentment comes from within; no affirmations can create that for anyone. Not to mention this whole positive thinking new age stuff and all this new theology is literally witchcraft. All power comes from God. And the Bible clearly says be humble and seek God. Ask God (pray) and he’ll answer you. Anything we do outside of that may Not be very fruitful.
Hi Gina, Your question is a good one and I will try to answer it as a man who did not know a father’s love as a child, who has been a believer for almost 40 years, and who has been married to a very affirming wife for 36 years. Your question: “What is it they (men) need and can it ever even come from us (women) anyway?”
My answer: At the end of the day, both men and women need affirmation from their spouses. God uses the spouse to meet that need in part only. The rest He does Himself, through all kinds of sources too long to list here. It took a long time for me to internalize my wife’s (and others’) affirmation for me because of the filters I had put in place after being abused as a child.
God has given my wife insight, and others insight in His efforts to get through to me. I am eternally grateful for this… You are saying the same thing in a different way. Al’s text above says it very well.
WP (Work in Progress)
Truth brother! Not always easy though.
Love love love this!!!
Where is the article, “Be Careful: Your Wife will Seek Affirmation Somewhere”? Women need affirmation just as much as men do; they need more than a pat, a grope, or a romp in the sack from their spouse who works constantly… There has to be a happy medium.
Some men need help with everything. It is exhausting.
…..and it continues…Mary, you must be such a treat to be around…lol
Affirm yourself! Work hard, be nice and be humble. An adult should not need daily praise from another adult to feel good about themselves… that is the road to vanity and self-absorption.
Enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, split the chores evenly and cultivate your own interests and friendships -that will make you feel good about both yourself and your spouse. Don’t buy into this very antiquated view that men need propping up to ‘slay dragons’ …dragons aren’t real and neither is the notion that men’s egos are any more or less fragile than women’s. People who don’t invest in their own character and their interactions with other have fragile egos. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a lazy thing.
Edash, I too totally agree with you that it is a lazy thing! I agree with everything you said.
Amen!!! When a man looks outside his marriage it’s not always because the wife is falling short somewhere in his neediness basket. Some men have hidden insecurities that has nothing to do with what their spouse gives or doesn’t give. That’s where all of us tend to screw ourselves, when we think our imperfect spouse is supposed to constantly supply our needs when in fact God didn’t design us to be able to live upto such high expectations. That’s why He tells us in the Bible that we will not find what we need in the things and people of this world, it can only be found in him because he is perfect and knows what we need & will supply it.
How does God know? Because he made us. He designed us to have the need for affirmation. Why? Because if we could get all of our needs met by people & material things of this world then we would need God for anything.
Amen. There’s the story in the Bible about the Tower of Babel and God said (paraphrasing) they’re doing this together but without me. They need me. so let me confuse their language so they seek me which is what they truley need.
Genesis 11:7
God didn’t do this to annoy us or to make it hard for us. He knew our needs couldn’t be met ever without him. So he had to make it that way so we would seek his face. Not our neighbors.
Any man or woman looking elsewhere for they’re needs or ego, etc. is committing adultery. They don’t need a better person in they’re lives they need Jesus. There’s only one truth one way to life. Jesus!
I wish my wife would understand this. We are separated now due to a breakdown on both sides. She feels everything is my fault and even admits that for the last few months she has purposefully nagged and criticized me to “teach me a lesson”
We all need to check ourselves every now & then because when we blame others for total demise of our relationship then it’s obvious that we haven’t checked our own inventory.
What about the wife who does give her spouse affirmation but he still chooses to find it elsewhere? At the end of the day no one human can get affirmation every time he needs it from his spouse, which means he needs to grow up spiritually, get closer to God and get his voids filled by the man (God) who made him & his identity.
My husband just appointed a young assistant (and not bad looking). He is also interested in playing action cricket. Should I feel worried? We are 18 years together and have a 5 and 2 year old. I just feel uneasy…
I understand that it’s really important for husbands to feel like they’re in control, needed and can relax and sit comfortably wherever he wishes without worrying of getting yelled at by his wife.
We’ve been married for over 17 years now and I think I’ve given him more than enough time and chances than he deserved. I’ve let him decide on whatever he wishes to do although before he does what he’s decided to, I always make sure to comment and give him my view of each decision, but I don’t insist that he listen to me.I know his sleeping or rather over-sleeping habit really annoyed me and I’ve always complained about it but in the end, I’ve learned to accept it. He’s had many bad habits which I tried for over 17 years to understand.
At first, he usually gets the perception from new friends or neighbors that he’s a nice person. People tend to trust him and really like him until they see how he treats me. I am a working wife and a mom to our 3 lovely kids. Even if I have a career, I still managed to take care of the kids when I get home as well as the household chores. I make sure everything is going well as expected and I didn’t mind that. Although, sometimes, I tend to become grouchy and pretty annoying especially during hectic days. I always tell him what I need him to be but not necessarily push him to do it. I’d always cry begging that he’d see my efforts to keep our family going well and the patience I give him despite of his losing jobs almost every 4 or 5 months.
I only wished for one thing…for him to show his love to me by simply hugging me and letting me know that he’s right there beside me ready to help every time I seem to feel very tired and unloved. He doesn’t have a decent job, I’m way drowned in financial loans I availed of for us to get by every time he doesn’t have a job and not earning for the family; he doesn’t let me be whenever I get the monthly tantrums women usually have during their monthly period. I can’t be frustrated with what he’s doing for the family…if I do, he’d be more frustrated with what I do for the family in spite of the fact that I cover almost everything in the house. I am not allowed to complain or else, he’s going to have a longer list of what to complain about me. He just simply wants me to consider his view and feelings and will never try to put the shoes I’m in to understand where I always come from.
The worst thing happened just recently. Out of desperation to get his kindness and attention, I cut my left wrist while texting him. I told him what I did but he never bothered to reply nor call just to check on me. He didn’t even bother to go home and make sure I was okay. There was no fear in him to lose me. I felt so hurt but it made me realize that it’s time for me to stop. Since then, I stopped listening, stopped understanding, stopped being patient and most of all, I don’t see any reason to love him still and stay in our marriage.
When I read your article..that I need to affirm his manhood or he will look for it elsewhere, it really hit me. How could a husband like mine find affirmation elsewhere when he’s been treated like a king for over many years? He wasn’t forced to do anything for us. We only want him to treat us the way he treats other people…nicely and sweetly.
I’m really sorry but I don’t agree to the affirmation thing mentioned in your article. My husband’s got it but he still couldn’t get enough of me and our kids. All he wants is for us to respect him but he doesn’t see us as humans who need some simple hugging, patting and encouragement instead of insults and sarcasm. I hope you don’t mind my comment but it just doesn’t apply to me. Thank you anyway.
I agree with you completely! Your husband ignored you and you are supposed to give more attention and affirmation? Like yourself (married 24 years) my husband acts like I am the dirt under his feet. No hugs, not one sweet word; he does not tell me he loves me. I have spent 27 years with this man who basically lives like he is a bachelor, not engaging in the marriage but seeking other women instead. I finally have had enough and I am leaving. This is nothing about me not giving enough, this is about me being the caregiver to a man who does not care about me.
Lady, do not cut yourself. Care for yourself, love yourself and do what you have to do to be healthy for you. Your worth is not dependent on your husband.
How do I affirm a husband who only sees me when in need, then in his victories he belittles and ignores me?
This article would have been wonderful. Unfortunately, it was discredited by the threat of adultery and the insinuation that it would somehow be the wife’s fault if she regularly failed to be affirming enough of her husband. A less connected and fulfilling marriage could certainly be the wife’s fault due to a lack of daily affirmation of her spouse. However, the complete destruction of the marriage that would be caused by an unfaithful husband would be entirely the husband’s fault. Adultery is not merely a weakness or shortcoming, such as failure to be affirming enough of one’s spouse…adultery of any kind (yes, even pornography) is an active choice to violate sacred marriage vows. I don’t remember specifically promising to affirm my husband every day when we took our vows (although I certainly do that anyway), but there was definitely a line in there about “forsaking all others.”
Next time you decide to write an article insinuating it might be the wife’s fault if her husband does something wrong, you should probably refrain from using a husband’s violation of one of the ten commandments as an example. God holds each one of his children personally responsible for following his commandments, regardless of whether the people in our lives make that easy for us. In fact, we are even more personally responsible for upholding His commandments when it is NOT easy to do so. Similar to how Jesus says to love your enemy, since it doesn’t mean much when you choose to only love those who love you in return. Daily affirmation is vital to a healthy marriage, and you made some excellent points.
But again, next time, don’t threaten the reader with the possibility of adultery if she doesn’t supply that to her husband. The truth is that nothing a spouse does (or doesn’t do) can truly affect the other spouse’s decision to cheat. It may certainly give fuel to the fire for the adulterer’s “list of excuses,” but the actual source of the problem that led to an act of adultery (a.k.a. sin) is always the same: a lack of God in the decision-making process on the part of the sinner. If you want to try to fault a wife for her husband’s infidelity, then the only way you could possibly insinuate that would be if you were writing an article on the importance of a wife’s role in her husband’s formation of faith. If she does no place God in the center of her life first, then she cannot help her family do the same. However, interestingly enough, the Catholic Church actually makes it quite clear that the weight of proper spiritual formation (and ultimate salvation) of an entire family specifically rests on the shoulders of the husband…not the wife.
Hi Alexandra, As a man, I would agree with your comments completely! However, I did not have the impression that the article was hinting that the wife would be at fault if the man would step outside of the marriage “fences.” Of course each of us is responsible for our own actions! The article was simply telling wives what they need to know and do…to make the home environment as safe and pleasant as possible.
At the end of the day, I think also that the man’s character itself also plays a crucial role. Sadly, it is also true that the wife can “do everything right” and even so, some husbands still do “unexplainable things.” Such decisions lie completely outside the wife’s responsibility of course. However, I think it is valid to add that the opposite is true too…some women step out…even though they may have excellent husbands….the sad truth is that we are all fallen and sinful. And yes, your last sentence is true too. A very tough (but not impossible) assignment!! Thank you, WP (Work in Progress)
No offense but this article doesn’t apply to “lazy child like husbands” that act like an entitled teenager and aren’t a true husband. When the wife has to be the role of both wife and husband, some men need to grow up and take responsibility and be a husband. Not a bratty teenager who doesn’t work and doesn’t help with any responsibility.
Dear Jaded, You’re right THIS article doesn’t address men like your husband. But if you were to go into the For Married Men section you’d find a lot of articles that talk about the husband’s responsibilities. And there is nowhere in God’s word that cuts men any slack who don’t live up to God’s plan for husbands. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International