In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
Importance of Psychological Break from Parents
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse
The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?
You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Holidays Can Get Complicated
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
Speak Kindly
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
Practical Suggestions:
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible Gives Examples
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
(SINGAPORE) One advice that is given here is that a spouse (say, the wife) should not criticize her husband’s parents, for it is the husband’s responsibility to honour the parents. What if the husband’s parents are putting out certain demands that the wife feels uneasy? Shouldn’t the wife raise her concerns, even to the point of criticizing?
Hi Eric, Yes, your wife should be able to raise her concerns, but it should be done in a way that respectfully speaks “the truth in love” (as the Bible points out). This is true of the wife as well as it is true of the husband, if there are problems with one of their parents.
They should keep in mind that the same thing can be said in different ways — a softened respectful approach as opposed to a degrading harsh approach will bring about different results. The scripture says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A person is not responsible for the way the respectful “truth” they are speaking is received (as long as they have prayed about it and they feel the Lord would have them speak this truth). But if they prayerfully speak it in love, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, they have attempted to reconcile a situation in a peaceable manner — which is Biblical.
The important thing is to make sure that the husband and wife are mindful of the fact that they are to be a marital team. They are to find ways to be supportive of each other and try to honor each other’s parents to the best of their abilities and yet still make the concerns of their marital partner their number one human priority.
(USA) I have only been married about 7 mos. now. All the articles I have read dealt with the in-laws. My situation is opposite. My in-laws are wonderful to me. The entire family accepted us as a unit, and generally left us alone, except an occasional call to tell us if something’s up, or if they’re going out of state for business purposes.
My own family on the other hand, calls up all the time to check up on me to see if I’m alright. They criticize the fact that "I don’t see them anymore" even though I see them ALL the time, they miss me constantly. Whenever they come visit, they tell me to clean up the house so my husband would appreciate it, and on and on…and on.
I have been polite to them up till now. We have decided early on that the first year would be mostly observation of things done and said, then at the 1-yr, anniversary, we’ll sit down and discuss boundaries, things we liked/didn’t like about the year, etc. However, I’m at my breaking point. I’m so tired of my own family criticizing everything I say and do, and I have felt like running to my mother-in-law on more than one occasion. How in the world can I keep the peace until our 1-yr. anniversary?
Hi Amy, Bless your heart! You really tried to give grace to your parents, but it sounds like they need more than grace, they also need boundaries to be set — and quickly! There will be more hurt feelings if they find out that you have a long list of hurts that you never discussed with them because of the “one year” probationary period you are silently giving them. Shorten the list by doing this quickly, and yet as kindly as you can.
Go into the “Dealing with Parents” section and read what the Lord points you to read. NOW would be the best time to deal with these issues instead of letting grievances accumulate. Your parents will probably be hurt at first, but eventually, if you handle things right, and they are mature enough to see the wisdom in honoring the “leave and cleave” principle the Bible tells us to live by, things will improve. If not, you may have to put up even more boundaries, which would be sad for all.
Just be as kind and gracious, and yet firm as you feel you should be over the matters that are important to you. Sometimes their intentions may be pure, because they love and miss “their little girl.” But their “little girl” has grown up and has married and she has the right to have the space she needs. Their wording, in how they criticize how you handle things, is obviously upsetting you. They just have to learn when to speak and when to be quiet. As parents, we can’t live our children’s lives for them — no matter how “wise” we may think our advice could be.
Consider that someday you may be in their place if you have children. Try to imagine how you would feel, and give them the graciousness that you would want. But don’t give them so much graciousness that you resent them. That would just complicate things all the more. I pray the Lord ministers in and through you in this situation. God bless!
(USA) Thanks Amy and Cindy for all your thoughts. I think these principles have pertinence in situations other than just the one mentioned here. I have found myself not saying things not only to my parents in the past (they tend to be overly sensitive even though sometimes there were things I should have spoken up on, not related to my marriage, though) but also with other Christians I know.
They will be insensitive (probably without realizing it) to me or say things that I don’t agree with scripturally, but find myself saying nothing anyway. I think instinctively I knew I didn’t know how to set boundaries, and stand by them gracefully, and also didn’t want to deal with the possibility of hurt feelings so I didn’t say anything, but as Cindy says, sometimes hurt feelings might happen but usually will pass and all these things are important.
I even had a Christian’s spouse (and the spouse is NOT a Christian) tell me I was making that spouse uncomfortable and for whatever reason the one who was uncomfortable never said anything even though I always told them to let me know (like if I asked too many questions about God, or shared too much of my own experiences, etc.) Needless to say – that person’s unwillingness to tell me that themselves, was all the more harder to take because they allowed an emotionally immature and spiritually dead spouse to tell me instead (a REALLY bad move in hindsight) and it caused more problems than necessary.
Over time things do add up and then it ends up coming out more harshly than if they were dealt with earlier on. God has been bringing "boundaries" to my attention lately, too. It’s something I never used or enforced (for myself), not heavily anyway, before. But God has really been having me grow in that area. As long as the boundaries are set according to scriptures you want to live by, that should be ok – just pray beforehand and have God give you the words if you need to share the boundaries with another who is overstepping them.
Thanks!
(CANADA) My situation is similar to Amy’s, my parents. Although they don’t criticize what I do in my house, their "suggestions" bother me almost every time they come over. The most recent issue is me hosting a housewarming for my side of the family. Let me explain, my side of family consists of my parents and siblings while extended family consists of aunts/uncles and cousins acquired during our immigration.
While we (my husband and I) hosted an anniversary party for our family (extended version excluded) my mother insists on having a party for the extended part because she insists they’re the only family we have in this country. This makes me feel awful every time. But after discussing this with my husband we decided to wait until next summer to have more people over. We have a small home but a nicely finished big backyard allowing us to have more people over.
I also feel my mother resents the fact that my husband’s family is bigger and whenever we host something at our house there’s 4 vs 15. Shouldn’t this be my new family and isn’t it time to separate from the extended family which now is becoming bigger and bigger because everyone is having kids? If I invite one person I need to invite the other related group. Am I becoming anti-social or should I continue to host separate parties to accommodate everyone and keep everyone happy and off my back?
(UNITED STATES) Hello, great column! My situation is that my girlfriend and are contemplating marriage and we are discussing issues like family involvement, for example. My concern about family involvement has to do with "frequency." My girlfriend has expressed that a reasonable schedule of interaction with her family is a phone call once a day and visits once a week. I don’t think this is reasonable, let alone realistic. I don’t see how a newlywed couple can cultivate their own family unit with constant interaction with her family. I think reasonable interaction is phone a couple times a week and visits a couple times a month. Am I out to lunch on this or do I have something here? Looking forward to a response!
(US) My situation is with my mother. A year ago, she moved into my home to start over in the US. She has always been emotionally unstable, but I thought "why not give her a better life?" She moved in.
Well, my life with her was hard to grasp. She basically used to hurt me emotionally. There was a time in my life when I would lock myself in my bedroom at night and would cry until I fell asleep. I won’t go into the other things that I faced growing up with her (she had many sex partners). At the end, she loved us and I feel that I shouldn’t judge her. Since she moved in she has shown no respect for my husband…in a silent way or behind his back. For example "John hasn’t done this or that" "wow, not smart at all" and other things.
I confronted her about this, and told her that she either respects him or she will have to leave because my children are learning this. Yes, it sounds harsh, but I’ve been on the verge of divorce for some time now due to this. It got heated, and I ended up throwing in her face all the stuff I typed earlier. Today, she said that she is leaving. To please consider her dead, and that she will see me as a "daughter of hers that lives in the US" She also said, "you are welcome in our country but I will NEVER set foot in a house of yours." She said that I disrespected and dishonored her. That she knows my husband and kids are a priority, but that I will see in the future. That I violated the commandments and because I am young I don’t see my faults…but that I will see.
Tell me what I did please; I thought I could open up. She has been hurting our family for a while. I consulted with a pastor and he suggested that she either is respectful or has to leave; otherwise, I could end up with abroken marriage. I know that’s not her intention. I feel that even after consulting with that pastor, and praying in unity with my husband, I still did something wrong.
(USA) Hi Dinah, these are the following verses that came to my mind upon reading your comment. Please pray and have the Lord tell you how they might apply to your situation. Obviously, if anything I say contradicts with what you feel the Lord leading you to (via the Holy Spirit in you) then you must go with what the Lord tells you directly.
I do think the following verses apply, however. The Bible talks about when someone gets married they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse. This is the process of leaving the old family and creating a new one. That’s not to say parents can’t live with kids, but that the spouse will take place over the parent, generally speaking (there might be exceptions or extenuating circumstances at times).
The following verses speak to that very subject in the New KJV version: Genesis 2:24, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."
Matthew 19:5 "For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife, and the two shall be one flesh?" Mark 10:7 "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife."
This is also a verse that came to mind: Matthew 10:34-35 34"Think not that I am come to send peace on earth. I came not to send peace, but a sword. 35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law."
This is talking not that families should fight but that when you get down to brass tacks and you are faced with a tough situation like that and you are trying to choose and do God’s will, there will be times when following Christ will cost you things (this concept is all over the Bible), including family members, in some cases.
You are probably familiar with Ephesians 5 where it talks about wives and husbands and how husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. You are respecting your husband and in order to teach the children to do the same (as their father) then if it means you have to pluck out someone who is damaging that, then that is what it means.
Only you really know if you were disrespectful in the way you presented your concerns. I was not there. Is it possible you could have said it nicer, well maybe, I don’t know. If you feel convicted then that is for you to decide and pray about.
But conceptually – your decision to ask your Mother to respect your husband, as long as you are being specific and can point out gracefully how she might do things differently, is ok and I see it as being scriptural.
I will leave you with one last verse and that is about "rebuking" an elder (in this case your mother). I Timothy 5 "Rebuke not an elder, but entreat him as a father, and the younger as brethren, 2 the elder women as mothers, the younger as sisters, in all purity."
I think this means you can ask them, politely, not to do certain things but don’t do it in a rebuking way because that would be disrespectful and against scripture.
(USA) I feel like my husband puts his parents (and their respective spouses) ahead of me. How can I lovingly point this out without him feeling disrespected? He recently moved out of our house over this issue.
(UK) Hi, I have a question here. We have been married for just over a year now and right from my marriage, first we lived with my husband’s parents in India then we moved here to the UK because he was studying here. Here we lived with his younger brother and wife up until now, because initially he thought that I would be a help to his brother’s wife because she was pregnant when we got married.
So, we did stay there and I did all I could to help her all through this time. Now her son is a year old today and we are all happy for him. So now I asked my husband if we could move out and rent a place for ourselves. But now my husband is saying something else. His brother is wanting to buy a house. So my husband says that he will be able to help his brother with the mortgage if he stays with him and pays some rent to him every month and he expects me to support him as his wife. I feel very torn and confused as to what stand I should take. I cannot even discuss this with my parents because I don’t want them to judge my husband. But this thing has been stressing me and I do not feel the trust or love I used to for my husband or my in laws. Help me here please.
(USA) Daniel, I think you’re absolutely right on the frequency issue. My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage, but I am concerned that we have been expected to spend one evening every weekend with his family and all holidays. His brother and his brother’s wife have had some serious marital troubles because the wife often has other things planned for holidays, and his family resents her for this. A phone call every day is just very extreme in my opinion. I believe that your thoughts on “reasonable interaction” are much more realistic. I hope that you can come up with a compromise that both of you and BOTH of your families can be happy with before you decide to marry. Good luck!
(UNITED STATES) This is a wonderful discussion. As a divorce and family lawyer, I run into several clients who fail to implement the “Leave and Cleave” secret to marriage. As such, their marriage fails.
Leaving your parents does not mean that you ignore them, or cut them out of your life. You must always honor your parents, and love them. However, after you are married, you need to re-prioritize. Whereas in your singleness, your relationship with your parents may be second to God… in marriage, it takes even more backstep towards your new spouse, your new family and your new commitments.
Recently, I witnessed a couple – call them Steve and Kim. Steve comes from parents with good intentions. Having had Steve’s older sister at age 16, they prided themselves in staying married and having 3 children and being close. Celebration is at the heart of the values -they love entertaining, hosting parties with alcohol, dancing, the works! And they expected attendance at every one of these events.
Kim comes from a close family with its own set of family values. Kim’s parents immigrated from a foreign country to establish a better lifestyle for Kim and her brother. Though they value closeness, it is more revealed in frequent emails, telephone calls and small, intimate gatherings.
Steve’s parents paid for all of the children and the grandchildren to go on lavish vacations several times a year – skiing, cruise, etc. Steve’s parents purchased expensive gifts for all of their children, i.e., downpayments on homes, mortgage payments when they were unemployed, etc.
Kim’s parents were not as wealthy, and thus did not take extravagant vacations or give expensive gifts. However, they contributed in time what they lacked in money.
Steve and Kim enjoyed taking trips as newlyweds with Steve’s family. They were welcoming and accepting as long as they were willing participants in the organized events put on by Steve’s parents.
However, after the birth of their first baby – Kim began to take a step back. Having a child puts family values into check – and she no longer wanted to be surrounded by so much alcohol – and did not want to be participate in what she perceived is Steve’s father exerting control, subtlely, through money.
She began to limit the visits to once a month, yet still maintaining ways of communication via telephone and email.
Steve’s parents, when Steve and Kim began to withdraw from the functions, started pulling on the reins. It was unacceptable behavior. They made demand after demand on Kim’s time.
Kim, incidentally, was a hard-working woman who came from hard-working parents. Kim supported her parents, who spent all of their money on her education. Steve was also hard-working, but was not understanding – and not suspecting of the control his father was exercising by giving all of his children money.
Steve did not protect Kim’s decision. Instead, he pressured her to continue with Steve’s father’s traditions. He failed to “leave and cleave.” Kim began lashing out and disrespecting Steve’s parents and began confiding in her own parents. She failed to “leave and cleave”
The marriage is beginning to fail – and not only are both of them suffering, but Steve and Kim’s first baby, Audrina, is also suffering.
This is the sad, sad story of a couple that is now on the verge of divorce because both of them failed to “Leave and Cleave”. Follow the Bible. It’s the only way.
(UK) I am African by origin, and in the country where I came from, culturally, the parents’ consent has a strong and somewhat overbearing significance on the decision of whom one can marry, even churches in my country would not permit the wedding except parental consent is sought and granted. And one of the scriptures that the churches in that region have also cited to back this practice is Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1.
Does my choice of who to marry rest on my parent’s consent? If it does, then how can I be free from their ‘apron strings’ when the foundation was built on their choice in the first place? Is my decision to marry someone of my choice an act of disobedience? And isn’t this interpretation of this scripture more sociological than scriptural? Is there any scriptural backing for parental consent? Please I would like to know.
(US) Daniel, I hope that after all this time, you’ve managed to work out your problems, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I am in the same boat, except with the genders reversed. My bf’s family expects him to visit once a week, usually on Saturdays. I think this is kind of extreme, and I believe he does, too, but he won’t stand up to them on the issue. I am worried about what would happen if/when we were to get married. We are engaged, but I am pushing for a long engagement to see how things play out.