In Genesis 2:24 we read, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” This principle is repeated in Ephesians 5:31. God’s pattern for marriage involves the “leaving” of parents and the “cleaving” to one’s mate. Marriage involves changing allegiance from parents to spouse. Before marriage, one’s allegiance is to one’s parents, but after marriage allegiance shifts to one’s mate.
Importance of Psychological Break from Parents
It is what the psychologists call “cutting the psychological apron strings.” No longer does the individual lean on his parents, but rather on his mate. If there is a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. This does not mean that the mother is to be treated unkindly. That is the second principle, which we will deal with shortly. The principle of separating from parents is, however, extremely important. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.
What does this principle mean in the practical realm? I believe that it suggests separate living arrangements for the newly married couple. While living with parents, the couple cannot develop independence as readily as when living alone. The dependency on parents is enhanced as long as they live with parents.
Living in a meager apartment with the freedom to develop their own lifestyle under God is better than luxurious living in the shadow of parents. Parents should encourage such independence, and the ability to provide such living accommodations should be a factor in setting the wedding date.
Making Spouse Happy Should Take Precedence
The principle of “leaving” parents is also important in decision making. Your parents may have suggestions about many aspects of your married life. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but, in the final analysis, you must make your own decision. You should no longer make decisions on the basis of what would make parents happy but on the basis of what would make your partner happy. Under God, you are a new unit, brought together by His Spirit to live for each other (Philippians 2:3-4).
This means that the time may come when a husband must sit down with his mother and say,
“Mom, you know that I love you very much, but you also know that I am now married. I cannot break up my marriage in order to do what you desire. I love you, and I want to help you, but I must do what I believe is right for my wife and me. It is my hope you will understand because I want to continue the warm relationship that we have had through the years. But if you do not understand, then that is a problem you must work through. I must give myself to the building of my marriage.”
Importance of Changing Allegiance From Parents to Spouse
…The principle of separation from parents also has implications when conflict arises in marriage. A young wife who has always leaned heavily on her mother will have a tendency to “run to mother” when problems arise in the marriage. The next day her husband recognizes that he was wrong, asks forgiveness, and harmony is restored. The daughter fails to tell her mother this. The next time a conflict arises she again confides in Mom. This becomes a pattern, and before long, her mother has a bitter attitude toward the son-in-law and is encouraging the daughter to separate from him. The daughter has been very unfair to her husband and has failed to follow the principle of “leaving” parents.
If you have conflicts in your marriage (and most of us do), seek to solve them by direct confrontation with your mate. Conflict should be a stepping-stone to growth. If you find that you need outside help, then go to your pastor or a Christian marriage counselor. They are trained and equipped by God to give practical help. They can be objective and give biblical guidelines. Parents find it almost impossible to be objective.
Honor Parents, but Not Above Spouse
The second principle relating to our relationship with parents is found in Exodus 20:12 and is one of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” It is repeated in Deuteronomy 5:16 and Ephesians 6:2.
The command to honor our parents has never been rescinded. As long as they live, it is right to honor them. In Ephesians 6:1, Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Obedience to parents is the guideline from birth to marriage. Paul’s second statement is, “Honor your father and mother—which is the first commandment with a promise—that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth” (vs. 2-3). Honor to parents is the guideline from birth to death. Honor was the original command and stands forever.
The word honor means “to show respect.” It involves treating one with kindness and dignity. It is true that not all parents live respectable lives. Their actions may not be worthy of honor, but because they are made in the image of God, they are worthy of honor. You can respect them for their humanity and for their position as your parents, even when you cannot respect their actions. It is always right to honor your parents and those of your marriage partner. “Leaving” parents for the purpose of marriage does not erase the responsibility to honor them.
How is this Honor Expressed in Daily Life?
You honor them in such practical actions as visiting, telephoning, and writing, whereby you communicate to them that you still love them and want to share life with them. “Leaving” must never be interpreted as “deserting.” Regular contact is essential to honoring parents. Failure to communicate with parents is saying, in effect, “I no longer care.”
A further word is necessary regarding communication with parents. Equal treatment of both sets of parents must be maintained. Remember, “For God does not show favoritism” (Romans 2:11). We must follow His example. In practice, this means that our letters, telephone calls, and visits must indicate our commitment to the principle of equality. If one set of parents is phoned once a month, then the other set should be phoned once a month. If one receives a letter once a week, then the other should receive the same. The couple should also seek to be equitable in visits, dinners, and vacations.
Holidays Can Get Complicated
Perhaps the stickiest situations arise around holidays —Thanksgiving and Christmas. The wife’s mother wants them home for Christmas Eve. The husband’s mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if they live in the same town, but when they are five hundred miles apart, it becomes impossible. The solution must be based on the principle of equality. This may mean Christmas with one set of parents one year and with the other the following year.
Speak Kindly
To “honor” implies also that we speak kindly with parents and in-laws. Paul admonishes: “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were father” (1 Timothy 5:1). We are to be understanding and sympathetic. Certainly we are to speak the truth, but it must always be in love (Ephesians 4:15).
The command of Ephesians 4:31-32 must be taken seriously in our relationship with parents: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
A further implication of honor to parents is described in 1 Timothy 5:4: “But if a widow has children and grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
When we were young, our parents met our physical needs. As they grow older, we may have to do the same for them. If and when the need arises, we must bear the responsibility of caring for the physical needs of our parents. To fail in this responsibility is to deny our faith in Christ (1 Timothy 5:8). By our actions, we must show our faith in Christ and honor for our parents.
Practical Suggestions:
If I could make some other practical suggestions, I would advise you to accept your in-laws as they are. Do not feel that it is your task to change them. If they are not Christians, certainly you will want to pray for them and look for opportunities to present Christ, but do not try to fit them into your mold. You are expecting them to give you independence to develop your own marriage. Give them the same.
Do not criticize your in-laws to your mate. The responsibility of your mate is to honor his parents. When you criticize them, you make it more difficult for him to follow this pattern. When your mate criticizes the weaknesses of his parents, you should point out their strengths. Accentuate their positive qualities and encourage honor.
The Bible Gives Examples
The Bible gives some beautiful examples of wholesome relationships between individuals and their in-laws. Moses had such a wholesome relationship with Jethro, his father-in-law, that, when he informed him of God’s call to leave Midian and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Jethro said, “Go, and I wish you well” (Exodus 4:18). Later on, after the success of Moses’ venture, his father-in-law came to see him.
“So Moses went out to meet his father-in-law and bowed down and kissed him. They greeted each other and then went into the tent” (Exodus 18:7). It was on this visit that Jethro gave Moses the advice that we discussed earlier. His openness to his father-in-law’s suggestion shows something of the nature of their relationship.
Ruth and Naomi serve as an example of the devotion of a daughter-in-law to her mother-in-law after the death of both husbands. Jesus directed one of His miracles to the mother-in-law of Peter, and she in turn ministered to Jesus (Matthew 8:14-15).
Freedom and harmony are the biblical ideals for in-law relationships. The train of God’s will for marriage must run on the parallel tracks of separation from parents and devotion to parents.
This article comes from the book, Toward a Growing Marriage, written by Dr Gary Chapman, which was published by Moody Press (unfortunately, it is no longer being published).
Filed under: Dealing with In Laws & Parents
I think I am leaving my partner because of his parents constant need to be involved in every part of our lives. They are intrusive and needy. When they do something to upset us my husband just wants me to blame him and not say anything to them. They’ve had a key cut to our home without our permission and are constantly there doing odd jobs and fixing things without permission. My MIL watches my son one day a week and calls herself mum to him! When I confronted her in front of my husband she started to cry and said sorry she didn’t mean to then when he isn’t around she does it again and again.
She takes him places without asking and drops him off with other family members when she is too busy to have him instead of just saying she is busy that day. I’m pregnant with second child. We found out we’re having a girl and keeping it a secret yet they think they have a right to know also. I’ve admitted to my husband I find them intrusive and this is why I want this to be just for us. He said I’m being spiteful and has started to tell his friends we’re having a girl and said I should tell his parents when they next mention it to be more gracious and thankful for all they’ve done for us.
They gave us 20,000 to buy our home and everyday I wish we had never taken it. I can’t seem to speak calmly about it anymore to my husband. I’m so angry he just accepts the way they are and is happy to be treated like a child by them. He appoligises on their behalf when they’re inconsiderate of my feelings but we cannot seem to move past it because ultimately I don’t want him to be sorry for them; I want him to stand up for me to them even half as much as he does for them to me would be something! I’ve suggested counseling for us and he told me I should go alone and learn to deal with my anger and frustration so I can be a better partner and mother. That hurt me a lot (like he doesn’t want to even try) and I feel like I’ve failed my children because I cannot stay in a relationship where two other people are constantly pushing their way in and my husband won’t stand with me.
I have married from last 3 years. My wife said she was upset with me and went to her parents house on very small issues and is not willing to come back. She is saying she wants to stay separately and not in the house where me, my mom and dad are staying. My parents are very old and I feel it is my responsibility to look after them. Having said that, I have also said I will take care of her. Please suggest.
A man needs to cleave to his wife, not to his parents. God knows and expects you to help and honour your parents, but you have to leave your parents and cleave to your wife. You say it’s a small thing, but it wasn’t a small thing for your wife. You need to put your wife first, but find a way to help your parents if they need your help. Could you live in a house close to your parents instead maybe?
Hie all, we stay in another country and have a tradition of calling our parents together every Sunday. However, I have recently discovered that my husband sometimes phones his parents alone. We have been married for two years. I accidentally stumbled on a message in which he was discussing an issue about his parents with his sister. Is this right? I just felt betrayed because I value honesty in marriage. Now I feel like a lot goes on that I don’t know. How can I handle this? I have not confronted him about it yet, just bitter inside.
1. In Cameroon, Should our parents choose our spouses?
2. In Cameroon, Abortion should be laagered do you agree?
Denis, I’m not sure what “laagered” means. Can you explain?
I’m married to a wonderful man whose former wife has died. Each year his daughter gives a family Christmas Party the Saturday after Christmas at her home for the relatives of his former wife. My birthday is the 28 of December and my family usually celebrates on Saturday instead of Sunday. My husband reminded me the family Christmas Party is on the 27th. I asked if my family was invited and he didn’t respond. We’ve been married 2 years. When I attended the 1st year family members weren’t friendly at all. I’m not going to attend because I think he hasn’t wrapped his arms around the fact that he now has a new family.
Greetings from Santiago Chile. I’m writing this for myself to have a written record, for people to be encouraged, and also to receive biblical advice. Here’s my Marital testimony:
I met my wife while studying abroad in Chile in 2010 when I was 23, I’m now 28. In 2009 I went through I life transformational Bible study and gave my life to Christ. I spent every day between classes reading and praying, listening to sermons, and I can honestly say that I was born again during this process. It was beautiful how the Lord began his sanctification process in my life, changing friends and habits. Before I left to Chile I specifically prayed that I didn’t want to get involved in any relationships until I was done with school and had a stable Job. I previously had a relationship that lasted about 2 years, which was completely built on a sandy foundation.
Even though I had been emotionally healed from that, which was amazing grace (we ended badly but God reconciled us and I asked for forgiveness years later and healed me and she was touched as well), the next relationship I would have I knew that I wanted to build it on biblical principles. After 3 weeks of being in Chile and spending time with the Worship leader, who was also the pastor’s daughter, God revealed to me 1. “get to know her” 2. “if you build this relationship on my principles, I will bless your marriage”, 3. “her parents will disagree with it at first but over time will come to agreement.” After 2 years of marriage and looking back on our relationship, all these things have come true. 1. I got to know her spiritually, emotionally, then physically after marriage. 2. We kept our purity (even though I wasn’t a virgin coming into the relationship) and 3. Her parents put her through hell in 2010 and still have seeds of anger towards her.
Before I left Chile, Daniela (my now wife) and I courted for 4 months. We only had two 1 on 1 dates and the Lord told us to slow down, meaning not to kiss or be physically involved (The Book “Choosing God’s best” was foundational for our early relational principles that we followed. We committed to a long distance relationship for a future marriage because we were convinced like this was God’s will. Before I left to the US I spoke with both of the pastors in their office and revealed my past struggles, how the Lord was working in my life, and my intentions to continue a relationship with their daughter (I did this in Spanish, so maybe I couldn’t express myself in the best way). After about an hour in their office, my intentions were revealed. I never felt rejected, but I didn’t feel accepted either. They were just concerned about some things of my past and also my age (I was 23, she was 28). I left their office knowing that I did the right thing in front of the Lord’s eyes because I wasn’t trying to be in secrecy.
When I left to California to finish college, Daniela desired to go to the US to study a master’s degree in Dallas ,Texas (a desire she had for many years before we met). All hell broke out with her parents. Without going into detail and out of respect for their authority, let me just say my wife would cry herself to sleep most nights. They were expertly challenging her daily, saying she was making emotional decisions about going to the US and being in a relationship with me and that I was going to hurt her.
Daniela and I skyped every day for hours and I never tried to wedge her against her parents. In fact, I would always consider how they felt as parents, having a foreigner who is 5 years younger in another country who was just saved a year prior, is now going to date our daughter, the worship leader? This, however, doesn’t justify the absolute psychological warfare and torment that they put their daughter through night and day. I’d always tell her just forgive honey, don’t get bitter towards them. My wife sought prayer from 2 people in the church (had about 40 members). The Pastors accused her of dividing the church against them. The confrontation, which escaladed in physical contact from the dad at one point, lasted for 8 months, until the day Daniela left to Dallas to study (which she did for 2 years). Daniela and I were convinced that this was the Lord’s will for our lives. Her parents were utterly and stubbornly convinced this was all emotional. Daniela came to Dallas full of faith but full of wounds and scars from the constant fights between her and her parents (the Lord is still healing her to his day).
I moved to Dallas to support her after I graduated and we got married a year later (in Chile, by her parents). When I asked for her hand in marriage over Skype, they said yes and I put on a hat to joke around like gringos do. In that precise moment, both her parents looked at each other with surprise and said that I was the one for their daughter. The dad began to explain to me that 5 years earlier he had a dream from God about his daughter’s future husband driving a car with a hat on. When I put on the hat I was that man in the dream. This was no coincidence because they got the same revelation at the same time, right after I asked for her hand.
Another confirmation was Daniela’s schooling. After 2 years God opened the door for her. We had enough to pay for 1 semester of schooling at Dallas Baptist University DBU but in those 2 years she received the most scholarship money out of any international students (according to the financial director, who I might add was very legalistic towards money and had this way of putting gloom over her provision, citing that we need to work hard, which we agree with, but I know he was just being jealous) and we only had to pay 1000 dollars as a couple. God provided and was justifying our decisions.
During this time in The US, the Church in Chile began to lose many people and entered into a crisis period and different bad things happened. 1. about 8000 us dollars was stolen during a funeral service from the church. 2. There was a teacher that came with his wife, under no church coverage that I’m aware of, and he began to lure members away. Although this is now pretty clear, the parents had this idea that Daniela’s rebellion was the root cause of the church’s steady decline.
Even though God was opening the doors for Daniela to study in the US and to build a relationship on purity and in Godly principles, which promoted the steady keeping in touch with her parents on Skype, this was the root of division in their hearts because of her emotional decisions in 2010.
Towards the end of the 4th semester at DBU and right after we got married, we prayed and asked for direction. We felt from God to spend a season in California and then move to Chile. We did this, spending 4 months living with my parents and 1 year living with her parents. We both were clear to our parents about boundaries and that we’re now married so they need to respect us as a married couple. It was hard for all parties to cleave and cling while still living under the same childhood home, not so much for us as a couple, but for our parents perspective towards us, especially in domestic activities such as cooking and cleaning. I’m proud of my wife though because she always supported me first, then her parents, and vice versa.
When we moved to Chile last year we had high hopes of helping out in the ministry, but the 2010 roots of bitterness prevented my wife to be in a position of leadership for about a year. Even though her heart was really to serve God and to support her parents, especially that she was now equipped with 2 years of additional ministerial education, she wasn’t put in a position to lead, and neither was I. I can say, however, that we were only interested to serve God in any way and truly not looking for a leadership position, so I cleaned the church for a year every Saturday and Daniela took a lesser role on the worship team.
The church has gone down to about 15-20 active people and we switched buildings this year. Even though God has been amazing to reconcile and renew relationships, especially between my wife and her parents, my wife and I still sense roots of bitterness towards us, but especially her.
I realize after reading this article and reading some comments, it’s clear that marriages are complicated, and especially how leaving and cleaving is handled not just by the couple, but especially by the parents. If, like in my case, parents are Christians, I would hope that the expectation from parents for obedience from their son/daughter would change into honor instead. I would hope that all the parenting and a lifetime of spiritual, emotional, and physical nurturing would be transferred to the spouse, once and for all. I would hope that the married couple is able to grow and resolve conflict on their own, leaving the parents out of it.
In the case of my wife and I, we feel very limited because of bitter roots and a posture of submission and obedience that the pastors put, which I agree with if it is in the context of church. The problem is they seem to apply that same principle outside of a spiritual context in many small ways, which has cause some tension and conflict at times.
I realize that we should receive godly council, like proverbs says, but I feel limited knowing that my parents-in-law have a very hard time separating family/church/marriage, therefore I don’t feel even remotely comfortable seeking godly council from them because it’s like mixing old wine with new.
Please feel free to comment and anything about what I said. Maybe advice, maybe a comment I don’t know, but please feel free to respond. My wife and I have felt isolated at times emotionally, but never shaken. She is an extremely strong and faithful women and the price she has paid and we have paid has been worth it because God is faithful. Please keep us in your prayers; my name is John, God Bless!
One thing I forgot to mention is that for the last year my wife and I have been both working and living in our own apartment, which has been a huge blessing. I am so thankful for my parents and her parents letting us live with them for a season, but I know that it is wonderful to have our own place and that we’re becoming independent from them both, financially and emotionally. I love our parents and I want to have healthy relationships with them both, I just hope my parents or my parents-in-law don’t become dominant and demanding when we have children.
We have been married for 4 yrs and have two children together. We live on our own and fully support our selves. The issue is with my dad. He lacks in supporting himself even though he seems to be capable. He has lived with us for 3 yrs now. Our house is small so he stays in a tent in our basement and is fine with that, which kinds bugs me. He was living between a camper trailer and sleeping on a not so great friend’s house. We invited him to live with us for a while… not giving him a time frame.
He had always had problem with Adderall and was prescribed to it until moving in with us. We don’t allow drug use in our home. He’s been clean 3 yrs and I’m proud of him! My husband got him a job at the hunt club where my husband works. He won’t work a full day …he naps in the middle of the day and doesn’t see any issue with it. He makes enough to move out and can certainly work more hrs to more than support himself in his own home.
I want him to move out. Like now. I have talked to him about it. With anger, kindness and sadness I’ve explained my reasoning of wanting him to leave. I think its disrupting my development as a wife, my husband as a husband, and both of us as parents. Chris and I have a great relationship and are good parents.
My husband likes my dad. He would like him to move out but doesn’t want to step up and tell him to move out. When I ask my dad to move out he says he can in 2-3 years! I think he’s waiting for SS! I don’t know what to do! He’s got to go! He’s wanting to put a shed in the backyard and live there forever. I’m scared he will go back to using Adderall again if he moves out. I told him this and he said so what, if he does?
I’m lost. Should I just give him 30-60 days and kick him out? Is this wrong? Selfish? Mean? What do I say? That hasn’t been said?
Ashley, I’ve been praying for insight as to how to reply to you on this matter. Truthfully, I love it when families can be supportive of one another, and help one another. You have done that, and I’m so proud of you and your husband for doing that. But as the Bible says, “there is a season for everything.” It seems to me that the “season” of your helping your dad to the degree that you felt compelled to previously, appears to be closing. Somehow, he needs to realize this, although it will be very difficult (because he obviously has addictive traits within him, and right now, your basement seems to him to be a safe zone).
I don’t know your dad, so it’s difficult for me to project what he is actually feeling and thinking about all of these matters. But from what I read into what you have written, I’m not thinking your dad will make any type of move out of your basement unless he is pressed on this matter –given a type of deadline. This should be done by you, as his daughter, with your husband standing behind you in support (with both of you talking and praying about this so you are essentially “on the same page.”). He is your dad; you need to do the talking to your dad (but you must be united with your husband).
I’m thinking that it would be better if your dad did move (although I can’t say for sure –again, I don’t know all of the circumstances). Perhaps he can get a small apartment, or rental unit, or rent a trailer or mobile home near where you live (and you can help him look for it and help him get the things he needs, because this may overwhelm him… I’m thinking he probably needs your help to make this work). This way he can be located near you, but not be right there within your home all the time. (My husband and I did this with my brother, who became homeless for a while –he stayed with us for a time, and then we helped him to find another place to live close by us… helping him set up the necessities he needed before moving out of our place into his “new” one. We’ve also done this for a few other relatives and it has worked out well.)
You have to know though, and count the cost, that he may go back to another addiction “drug” of choice. If that’s in his personality, he may act on it. He may be viewing you and your family as a type of accountability factor, and an offset to complete loneliness, by being in your basement. But ultimately, you aren’t his “moral police” or the “guard” over what he will or won’t do… He is an adult, and you have to make decisions based on that. I know of a gal who had a granddaughter who was troubled… they were able to move a small trailer into her backyard and her granddaughter lived there for a period of time. She was independent (not living within my friend’s home), but not completely because her grandmother lived right close, and it was a healthy stepping stone for her. She is now completely on her own and all is better.
Ashley, you sound like a nice person, a great wife and mother and a good daughter. You WANT to do good by your dad, but you also know the dynamics of what will work best for your home. You need to trust that. You aren’t a bad daughter because you need space from your dad. You are married, and your first obligation is to your husband and children. Your dad needs to accept that, as difficult as it may be for him. You just have to figure out how to help his step up to living more independently than he is trying to do right now, and feel that you have done what is best for all. It’s not like he is gravely ill and needs you to house him… that is just his preference. It’s okay to have him live apart from you –that is healthy.
Pray about this with your husband and talk about it. Figure out a game plan that will work for the both of you and your children. I’m thinking that giving a “deadline” would be important. But within that deadline, give mercy. Offer to help him find the things he needs. I went to thrift stores and garage sales and got my brother the basics. He HAD no money… so we had to buy those things for him. He is now on SSI and can afford the modest rent he is now paying, but couldn’t afford to purchase anything up front. Your dad is in a different place. Determine with your husband ahead of time what will work best for all concerned. Maybe you know of others who have extra furniture here or there (the basics like a table, chairs, sofa, and such) where they will give it to you for your dad. I don’t know. Your dad obviously doesn’t appear to need much.
Also, figure out a “deadline” that will work best for all concerned. But help him meet that deadline, if you can. This way it doesn’t appear that you are rejecting him as much as you are helping him to be more independent as he should be, which hopefully, will help him to feel better about himself, and help all of you to have a better relationship, in the long run. Figure out your wording ahead of time too, so you can let your dad know that you love him, but you just need a bit more physical space between you –that you are still there for him, but that it’s healthier for all if he is a bit more independent than he is right now.
I hope this helps and pray this goes well. I pray for wisdom, strength, and peace about your situation once it is worked though as it should be, for you, your husband, and your dad.
There has been a huge strain in my family for a few years now. My mother-in-law decided to treat her depression with drugs and alcohol. She and her husband are no longer together but he still encourages myself and his son, my husband, to try to stay close to help her. My parents are divorced. That was really hard for me and I’m only now able to speak to my dad again (6 years later).
Because of the addictions, my MIL has gaps (sometimes HUGE gaps) in her memory and has less control over her emotions than normal. Our last phone conversation ended with her yelling at me after I told her that if she has a problem with me she needs to tell me, not call my husband, her son, and yell at him because of me. I felt disrespected, angry and hurt. Later that month, my husband said I needed to come to the Christmas brunch he and his sister were arranging with the MIL. He knew about our last talk but said he needed me there with him. She acted like nothing was wrong. I spoke very little and never directly to her.
Today she wanted to give me a birthday gift, which I didn’t want. When she showed up she started saying things like, “if I have a problem with her new life style I should talk to her and not hide behind my wall.” I told her I was mad because of the way she spoke to me on the phone. She got angry all over again and talked down to me, again just being disrespectful. I told her to stop, to leave and told my husband to close the door. My husband was too dumbfounded by what was happening to actually register that I told him to close the door when she was being rude. It’s not something he expected or is used to dealing with. He didn’t so I tried.
She got in my face and shoved me. He got between us then but got upset at me because he said I should’ve walked away instead. Yeah, I should have but it’s my home. Someone treats me badly or makes trouble in my home they leave not me!
So tell me, in a case like this, where it’s not just simply a difference of opinion, what should happen? What do I say to him? What is his role at this point?
Jessica, You say nothing about your faith, or Christian values in your comment. As an administrator of this Christian web site, I feel compelled to ask you if you are a person of faith, and if so, what do you think Jesus would have you do?
I am a Christian. I accepted Christ when I was a preteen. Up until my folks divorce, I had no real problems with believing and really tried to follow what He would ask of me, whether from something read or felt in my heart.
He would want me to forgive her. I really believe I did that soon after the blow out. I don’t trust her. I don’t want to be around her but I’m trying not to hold that against her. I’m stubborn but I know someday I need to try to rebuild the relationship. Right now, I’m too afraid to let someone I cared so much about back in to hurt me, whether they actually meant to or not.
Live with inlaws and in a different state than parents, I miss my family so much. I have more support in my hometown than here. I have my family who loves my daughter so much. My parents treat her like she’s their own. They would help me take care of her so I can finish school and not worry about putting her in a daycare. His parents have a daughter that’s two, one year older than my daughter, so they always put her first and they don’t give my daughter as much attention.
My husband’s family is nice as well but sometimes his sisters can be rude. They will be really nice and the next thing you know they won’t even say a word to me. His mother is nice most of the time, I appreciate them for letting us stay in their home. wWe still pay bills and pay for food so we’re not living here for free as well as rent. I’d rather live in my own home where I can do as I please. It’s really hard for me to live with his family when I miss mine so much.
I pray my husband would change his mind one day and we could go back to live next to my family members. He says it’s never going to happen though. He states that here he gets better pay and it’s easier to live than in my hometown. I just can’t live here anymore. I’m so homesick but I love him so much and I can’t go back.
So here’s how it is for me. Any good advice/scripture readings would be appreciated. My relationship with my fiancé is great, but something has happened with her parents that I’m worried might cause us problems in the future. We’re going to be starting off our marriage with very little money already, but now her parents’ mental health problems are making her want to take care of them. Basically they can’t get jobs or keep them because of mental stress and depression. They have no money and can’t really make any apparently.
I obviously don’t want them to be homeless or anything, but I don’t want them to be dependant on us during our first few years of marriage. I feel like this will only pull financial stress and emotional problems into our marriage. I think one of the problems I have is that I don’t really understand mental illnesses that don’t affect people’s learning abilities or like hearing voices etc. When I hear about problems with people’s emotions (clinical problems) I just don’t see how it’s different from other people. I feel like everyone just has different temperaments (even though I know that people say it’s actually a metal illness). I just don’t understand it. I really would love to be just free to live out our marriage not relying on or being relied upon by others. Please give me some insight here.
I got married in 2013 to my husband that my mother so much liked and their rapport was cool. Not until after the wedding did everything change between them. We stay (personal residence) in the same area with my parents, in fact it’s a trek-able distance. My husband said my mum is expecting too much respect from him and wants to help him control his home. While my mum on the other side said my husband didn’t do the things she wanted during the wedding.
He is arrogant, doesn’t respect her as a mother in-law. This lingered on so that my husband even took it to the church elders. Right now my parents want me to leave him, that he is not my husband. They say, what husband says he loves his wife and disregard her parents? I know my husband has his flaws in this issue, but is leaving him really the way out? What is the way out? We have no kids yet.
Your husband comes first. She is disrespecting him and you by telling you to leave him because she cannot control his home. That may be why he seems disrespectful, which may not be the actual case, but he feels disrespected by his inlaws.
I need help trying to put something into words my husband can understand. His parents have said awful things that I won’t get into here. He’s been attempting to keep his distance but still when his parents send him texts he texts them back sitting on the fence… Refusing to take sides. Always nuteral. There is a funeral today. He’s not going because our daughter is sick but he was planing on it. They were his neighbors but he hasn’t talked to them in years. His parents are going and he cannot give them the cold shoulder or politely say he’ll sit somewhere else… He cannot do it.
So if he went he would make nice, buddy, buddy them for appearance sake… Probably go to their place for lunch or spend an hour after standing around talking to them. To me, in my mind that’s almost the same as saying he agrees with them. They will look at him and think, “well it doesn’t bother him enough to be upset about it.” He told me last night I was trying to convince him to “make a scene;” I told him no…I know him well enough to know he can’t do it no matter what, so I simply said it’s best not to go. Avoid the possibility of making a scene or hurting me by playing nice. They said awful things…things I can’t even bring myself to repeat. He doesn’t understand that by refusing to take a side he is hurting me; betraying me. And I don’t know how to get it across to him.
Sweetie, You won’t get it across to him by constantly talking to him about it. That is HIS family, and some men have a HARD time making a choice when it comes to family of origin and family of choice. Ask me how I know. I could write a book about the awful things my inlaws did and said, and all of the crying, cajoling, trying to get my husband to FEEL what I FELT.
He didn’t; he divorced me for putting a wedge between him and his family. Yes, my complaining about his family made him bitter with ME and made him agree with all of their faults with me. Yes. Had I been smarter, I would not have chosen a man so tied to his family and then battle with them for first place.
So with that being said, what can you do? One, ask God to change you and have compassion for him. It’s not easy for a man to choose parents vs wife. He is a part of them so when you find fault with them, you’re somewhat finding fault with HIM at least in his mind.
Pray to God to strengthen the bond between you two. DONT mention his family to him at all. In fact, for a season, let him go visit with them alone. Don’t communicate with them. In fact you can let him know that you’re not comfortable around them, but he can go. Make things pleasant for him at home, so there is nothing negative that can be said about you. See, if you make him free to visit and no pressure, eventually he’ll come around and see things your way.
Hi Shannon, Your post was made a while ago. I however wanted to share with you my experience. “In-law drama” may happen in marriage but I think trying to forgive and making effort to mend relations ensures that a spouse does not have to sit on the fence or choose a side. My in-laws are his family. The people who nurtured him and people he shares beautiful memories with. Memories he shares with me, our kids, friends etc. The people with whom he has shared a life before me . Asking him not to interact with his family is hard on him and seems unfair to him. Of course it’s probably easier for him to forgive because he loves his family.
In my case, in the long run I love that our children have great relationships with their grandparents and cousins. The in-laws who want to volunteer more info about the ‘drama-time’ I do not entertain. I don’t need it. I have no use for the info. When your spouse has relationships with his family that has hurt you, it does not mean that he in anyway belittles the pain you have experienced, caused by his family. Rather ask him to ‘bridge’ the gap between you and the in-laws while you still work at forgiving them. He may tell them they have hurt you etc. In our Lord’s prayer we pray “…forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us…”. The AS to me says dear God apply my style of forgiving those who have wronged me when you forgive me. I certainly do not want God to forgive and sever relations with me. Or forgive and not forget. I pray that He gives me a heart that uses His style of forgiveness. Isaiah 43:25 says, “I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.”
My story. My MIL and I got along fine until shortly before our marriage. Then things dropped downhill… not roll fast, no, just drop. Apparently she was told things by whoever and she decided to employ every tool possible to stop the marriage. And that included words, threats of disowning son and actions and forcing entire family to support her (most took her side). The marriage went ahead, they were absent.
My mum’s advice was ”because you have chosen to be with this man then somehow you have to form some kind of relationship with his family, something that reflects your Christian beliefs”. My hubby and I were living in different places at the time. At my mother’s request I would buy groceries and deliver them to my in-laws house. This is something I had always done for my parents and in their opinion I had to show the same kind of love to my in-laws as I did them. Hard. Hard. Hard. Very hard. Did I say hard? They had wronged me so why should I be the ‘nice and loving Daughter in law?
Visits were uncomfortable however brief, but my mum would not accept anything from me before I confirmed I had done similar for my in-laws. So I made the visit alone for months. (Our jobs were in different towns). Most times we barely said 5 sentences the entire visit. In time it got a little better. In retrospect I think my mum was applying a native saying in our language that is loosely translated as Relationship cannot be washed away with water’. Relationships remain, whether ignored or not. It’s better to work at improving them. (Of course cases where there is abuse are an exception).
Eventually (about a year) my husband and I were living together, a long way from both our parents (parents live in the same neighborhood). My mum continued to encourage me to keep communicating even if it was just a phone call to say hallo. I was angry, resentful and generally had unforgiveness and general ill-feelings toward my in-laws. I had tried to live right as God expects of an unmarried woman and my family had planned a beautiful wedding. I however decided to have a court wedding given the tension with my in-laws at the time. I felt that it would be easier on my husband. I kept asking myself why I got a such a bad deal.
Fast forward about a year my MIL got to find out that the things she heard were untrue. In that year I had gotten to a point where I realized I could not do the forgiving thing on my own. My husband and I prayed about this and we fasted a few times about this, asking God for a forgiving heart for both of us. After a while (some months) I realized that I could think of the whole drama with lesser and lesser anger/ill-feelings. My husband and I could talk about this without me crying. To this day (about 7 years) there’s never been an official apology to me. At some point I thought it was prerequisite that they apologise in order for me to forgive but after prayer I did not feel the need. Their way was to ”improve” the relations after their discovery that they had been lied to.
On her first visit to our place MIL must have expected an unpleasant encounter because first 2 days she was not relaxed at all. We had had our first baby and had sent them tickets to come and meet their grandbaby. By then I was in a better space and I did had moved on from the whole thing. Now I can say I care deeply for my in-laws. We talk/visit often with in-laws who were part of the drama. When somethings triggers unpleasant thoughts I know it’s the devil here to steal my joy and I don’t allow it. (You know how women always talk about their weddings days/ TV gorgeous weddings etc. In the beginning it would just make me cry in anger.)
Pray for the Holy Spirit to help you forgive. It will be good for everyone involved.
Greetings, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. I am married for almost 2 years. When we got married we resided in the house of my husband. My husband did not have work until now. We are dependent on his parents income. His parents have a business in a rice mill and farm land. We had a baby after 1 year of marriage and until then we have been depending on my in laws in terms of financial needs. I got to the point, which I wanted us to separate houses because I cannot practice being a parent in their house. But my husband does not want to work and being with his family is easy to him.
In time my in laws requested for me to work to provide my baby’s need. They provide me money to work here in overseas. Now I am a nurse here in Saudi to provide the needs of my baby, but still my husband does not want to separate from his parents. Every time I talk to him, he never listens to me but instead he ignores me. What should I do? Please advise me. I want to do the will of God, but then I feel disappointed in my husband.
I think this is great advice but not always easy. Culturally, many families make this more difficult than it needs to be. Older parents consider their adult children moving away to be disrespectful and hurtful. While the intentions of adult children may be good and honorable, the guilt put on them can be unbearable and even damaging to their marriage. I would love to see some ideas for Christian women and men to deal with this aspect of this issue. Thanks for a great biblical perspective.
Jill, This is kind of the “yin and yang” of life. No matter what you do, there are the pros and cons going on, where there’s a price to pay (and benefit, as well). It’s hard to explain what goes on with older parents. It’s like they were so involved earlier in life with the “meat and potatoes” aspect of life (getting the basics accomplished) that needed to be done while the children were younger, that when the children are older and grandchildren come on the scene… they are looking at it as their “dessert of life” phase. It’s like, “we did the hard stuff of establishing, and running a home and career and all of the kid stuff –doing all we could during our children’s growing up years with all of their activities and such. So now that they’re older… we want the benefits of being friends with them and enjoying our grandkids without having all of the responsibilities heaped on us, as we had before.” I’m not justifying it, just explaining it.
Cultural differences have to be considered, because in some cultures, the parents and in laws try to take over running their married children’s marriages, and homes, as well (like they ran their children’s lives before). This is SO unbiblical. But it IS what happens in some cultures. That is a fight, all in itself. The husband and wife (and eventually their children) are SUPPOSED to be unified in cleaving together, with the parents being the extended family, without the same voice or priority, once the wedding vows were said on their wedding day. Is love to be expressed, kindness, respectful talk and behavior, and honoring consideration? Yes! But they are no longer supposed to have the same hold on their married “children.” That’s just the way it is. And yes, you’re right… it IS more difficult than it needs to be. It’s ESPECIALLY difficult when the parent(s) and/or one or both marriage “children” don’t honor God’s way of approaching marriage –pushing spouses away from each other, injecting the “parent” in the middle. It just never should be. The husband and wife need to wake up to God’s way, and put down the proper boundaries (hopefully, earlier in their marriage)… so prayerfully, eventually, things can smooth out in the right priority.
This is great information. My husband and I have been married for 4 years (together for 10) and we have had quite a difficult road. I am the oldest of 3 and he is the youngest of 5. We started dating very shortly after I ended my previous relationship. My husband initially felt that he was competing with my ex in regards to my family. I never realized this because we spent a lot of time with both of our families and he was always included and treated kindly. We are both very close to our families. My family and I tend to communicate more often than he does with his family and he doesn’t really understand why that has to be.
This past year has been especially difficult as my husband became quite unhappy in our marriage, feeling that I put my family’s needs and wants over his, and began drinking heavily and asked for a divorce. This lead to me needing to leave our home due to fearing for my safety and the safety of our pet. I retreated to my parents’ home as I did not know where else to go or what to do. I realize now that this was not the right choice as it has created a strained relationship between my family and my spouse. We are in counseling and he has gotten help for his drinking and I have adjusted my relationship with my family.
I’ve set boundaries and made it very clear that my husband comes first, even when the situation is difficult or it’s a decision they might not like or agree with. I’ve cut down my communication with them as well. My husband has bravely come to family events and things have gone well but he still does not feel included. This is difficult for him because he sees how great my relationship is with his family and how they treat me and is sad that he doesn’t have the same relationship with my family. He has been close to the families of people he has dated in the past and misses that.
I would love to know how I can make him feel more included and help repair the relationship between him and my family. I encourage him to be positive and create a new normal instead of trying to restore what has been broken to what it was before because I don’t think that is possible. My family loves him and just wants to move forward. My family is not perfect and is different from his family in many ways. I want our marriage to be successful and I would also love for the time spent with family to be kind and loving and comforting.
Danielle, I encourage you to keep on the path you are traveling. You sound like you are doing everything you can do to be an encouraging wife. Sometimes, the other spouse just doesn’t get it, at least not for a time. Keep praying and following God’s lead in this. Even if you don’t see good results for a long time, don’t give up. Sometimes we have to persevere through the bad stuff before we see results. I pray you will and pray your husband’s eyes will be opened to see and embrace the support you are trying to give him. I pray good for you and your marriage.