What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
Never imagined that I would be posting something like this but here it goes. My wife had a drunken one night stand with one of our friends in November. I had my suspicions the night it happened but she blew me off. Christmas eve she discovered she was pregnant and never even questioned the paternity. One morning I was on my phone and on my google search history the topic of cheating on my husband and not being able to forgive myself was there. I knew that I didn’t search that topic so she came clean and admitted to me what happened.
So here I am now we have two children 8 and 6 and I want to work this out but can’t stop wondering if this child coming is going to be mine or not. I find myself wondering what’s best for this unborn child if I turn out not to be the father. Seems crazy to walk away for a one time mistake. Do I involve the other man? Is the child better off not knowing? What do I tell my own children? The baby is due any day and I hate that this moment is tainted.
Jay, what about getting a paternity test done to find out? But for right now, work to celebrate this child’s life. Whether he/she is yours or another man’s, it’s not the baby’s fault. And certainly your other children can be excited… this will be their brother or sister, no matter what. And worse case scenario, what if this baby IS yours? Do you want to look back and regret not celebrating as you should have?
Also, don’t borrow trouble on this right now as far as wondering what to tell your “own” children and whether or not to “involve the other man” and such. Whenever you find yourself going down one of those imagination paths, throw it out as a type of “spam” right now. All it’s doing is robbing you of today’s joy for what may not even be real issues tomorrow. They may be supposition for something that isn’t even true.
You for sure have marital problems to work through, both now and in the future to prevent this type of thing from ever happening again and to better build your marriage, plus your own well-being. This is a BIG deal. But these other imaginations may not even be real. Just do what you can with the real, enjoy this new life that will be born soon, have the paternity test taken when it’s best and THEN see if you have other issues to work through. I hope and pray the best for you and your marriage, and family life, given the circumstances that were dumped on you. SO sorry that you have this to deal with… cheating wrong, no matter what. I hope you can find little points of light to concentrate on despite the darker issues hovering over you right now. I encourage you to look for them.
Jay – If she is truly repentant, and I’m talking about Godly sorrow, not ‘sorry I got caught,’ then God will prevail. In God’s eyes and in the eyes of the law, YOU are the child’s father because the child was conceived during the marriage of you and your wife. There is no mountain too big for God. Start praying now that God will put a love in your heart for this child the same as the love you feel for your other children. You can let this drive a wedge or you can allow this to build your marriage… But remember with God ALL things are possible.
My fiancé cheated on me before we got engaged and now the baby from infidelity is here. We just picked up the 4 month old today and I thought I was strong enough to deal with it but I wasn’t. I couldn’t stand to see my fiancé loving another woman’s baby. I don’t think I can continue in this relationship as much as I want to. Please guide me in the right direction as I think I’m going to go crazy and can’t due to our 2 year old son we have together.
Hi. My name is Dawn and I have been with my husband for 16 years. We are high school sweethearts and have two children together. My husband cheated on me and he came clean and told the girl is pregnant. I forgave him and we’re now working things out and doing well. He gave her money to have an abortion in the sum of $500 and she didn’t have the abortion and kept the money and said she is keeping it. He told her he wants a DNA test as it was one time that they were together and she flipped out on him. I don’t know what to think in this situation… I’m just so lost about the situation with her. She is due in January and said he has not has any contact with her since June. Any advice and thoughts on the situation would be appreciated. How likely is it that it’s his after one time? It’s she really being honest about the whole situation?
Please pray with me that God can perform a miracle and save my marriage. I’ve been married for 12 years and had an affair for 5 years. The first two years were by choice and the last 3 were black mail from my ex lover to tell my husband and son. During the affair I had a child with my lover that my husband thought was his. My ex lover also threatened to tell my husband and would harass me daily if I didn’t continue the relationship with him and bring our daughter over.
I just recently could not take the verbal abuse or black mail and confessed to my husband. I terminated all contact with my ex lover as soon as I confessed to my husband. He has asked for a divorce. My ex lover has also served me with taking custody and to remove my husband completely out of her picture and change her last name. He has vowed NOT to raise her a christan but a Muslim.
My husband and I are not in speaking terms, although he is a Christian and says he has forgiven me but wants a divorce. My husband said he will fight for our daughter even if she is not his biological daughter so he can try to raise her as a Christian. We will be going to court to try to keep my husband as her legal Father. Currently the law in California states he is the legal father as she was born from our marriage. However she did have contact with my ex lover her bio dad so we don’t know the full outcome. Please keep me in yours prayers so we God can restore my marriage, that we will be able to keep custody of our daugher and raise her as a Christian and that God continues to work with me and provide me wisdom to make better choices. Thank you.
We are missionaries in South America. We have become distant over the last 2 years. My husband had a recurring situation with a prostitute for a few months. I knew nothing about it. He ended it a year ago. A few days ago I encountered an email from her to him. I confronted my husband about the affair. He confessed everything. He had been living a lie for over a year. He had pregnated this prostitute and the baby was 2 months old. He did a blood test to prove it was his daughter. I know what God would want me to do, but this is so hard.
We have been together for 13 yrs. and married for 6 yrs. We have two boys 3 and 5. The other woman now wants the baby and my husband. My husband assures me he wants only the baby. I’m feel like I’m drowning.
I am 29 and have been married for 5 years with a 2 year old daughter and had been living in a sexless marriage since we first got married. We had sex not more than 5 times a year and have been sleeping separately in different room. Our daughter was a god-sent and miracle to us.
Last year, I met a man at work and we connected so well. He is also married for 5 years but does not have any children yet. Our friendship evolved and we started to fall in love with each other. The affair started after I returned from a week of business trip. After about 6 months, I became pregnant. He was shocked and excited at the same time because he thought he could never impregnate a woman – his wife is still not pregnant yet. Then he revealed that he had not been having sex with his wife for about 2 years. He told me that he wanted to take care of me and my daughter and his unborn child and will treat my daughter as his own. However, he will not leave his wife as she has sacrificed a lot for him. He asked how my husband will take it when he finds out. I told him that he would probably divorce me.
I do not want to hurt anyone and decided to be a single mother. I told my married boyfriend and he insisted that I abort the baby if I ever choose to leave him because of the baby. I am a strong believer in life and I stood firm to keep the baby. He told me to be patient that he will tell his wife and persuade her to accept me and the baby.
On the other hand, I went back and told my husband I was pregnant. He was shocked and angry. He told me to abort the baby or he will divorce me. I told him that I will keep the baby and he can divorce me since there is no love between us. He then told me that he respects my decision but he will never ever divorce me. He does not want me to go through single motherhood and he will treat my unborn child as his own. I told him I needed some time to go through it because I feel so guilty every time I see him.
I told my married boyfriend that I have talked to my husband and my husband accepted it calmly. However, I did not tell him that my husband wanted to keep me and will take care of the unborn child as his own.
My married boyfriend felt guilty as he thought I was going through a separation and his child will be born without a father. He went home and told his wife about it. His wife was devastated. She asked my married boyfriend to bring home my baby after my baby is born and treat him/her as her own child but will not want me in the picture. My married boyfriend told her it’s not possible and she was so heartbroken that she wished he didn’t tell her this. My married boyfriend felt so guilty and regretful that he promised his wife he will work on the marriage and impregnate her. She is 33-year old now. He told me that during this period he will not tell his wife that he is still seeing me and will need to spend more time with her. He expects me to understand and support him while he will squeeze out some time whenever he could to see me.
I am disappointed that my married boyfriend treats me as his part-time toy after what happened. I finally broke up with him and decided to work on my own marriage. He still does not know my husband has forgiven me and will treat the unborn child as his. My married boyfriend is still sending me text messages on daily basis. I know he still cares and loves me. I miss him a lot and very unwilling to let him go. I even convinced myself to share my married boyfriend with his wife if he offers 50% of the schedule. God, please help me.
My son in law had an emotional affair, which he lied about for months and months then confessed it was physical but swears there was no sex. The girl is pregnant and hid the pregnancy for several months but claims the baby is her husbands. The 2 of them have lied so much for so long who knows what to believe. They would send each other naked pictures of each other and talked about wanting to have sex. Biblically we know this is an affair. My daughter has tried so hard to work it out but when she is not around I see my son in law looking at other women. She is so young and could start a whole new life but she still has a sliver of hope. What should I encourage? My son in law has done nothing to get help.
I am the product of an affair. My dad made a mistake he regretted terribly. When my bio mom found out she was pregnant she considered abortion but my dad and mom (his cheated on wife) told her they wanted me. She selflessly gave me up and I was raised in a loving and accepting home with brothers and sister already grown up. Never met bio mom, don’t really need to. My problem is that I am embarrassed to tell my fiancé though I know I must. He has some very conservative older relatives. His parents would be ok with it, I’m sure.
Kelly, You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If God didn’t want you to be born, you would never have taken a breath. Despite your parent’s sin, God has a plan for you –to love you and include you in His Kingdom work. Please Kelly, tell your fiancé. If he doesn’t support and show love to you 100% through this revelation, then he’s wouldn’t be a good partner for life. Sometimes life hands us circumstances we don’t like or would pick, if we had a choice. But we aren’t always given choices in every aspect of our lives. If marriage partners can’t support one another through those types of times, then they shouldn’t consider marrying. They would be a weak team. And if his relatives –conservative, or not, have a problem with your background, then THEY have a problem –not you or your fiancé. Don’t allow that to stop you from holding up your head. God loves you and so should they. If they don’t, shame on them.
After finding out about you being conceived, both your moms were selfless. That’s something that should inspire you to feel very blessed and cause you to live up to the opportunity to prove that their selflessness was not given in vain. Keep your head up, don’t keep secrets, and pray that your fiancé will be supportive of you as he should be. I pray the best for you.
I have been with my husband since I was 18-for 22 years. He also is 11 years older then me. All throughout our marriage he has cheated and has shown remorse but always does it again. I found out some years ago he had a steady mistress he was seeing.
I talked to the girl and explained our situation. I thought the relatonship was over and I find out she had a baby by my husband. Of course he denies the baby is his but did sign the birth certificate. When I found out the mistress tells me she will take my husband from me. It’s been two years and since then my husband has went to work and come straight home. There has been no hiding of cell phone. Things seemed to be ok until I got an instagram picture of a recent picture of her and my husband together kissing thatshe sent me.
My husband says he was set up by his sister and his mistress and he apologized profusely. I don’t trust him whatsoever, and haven’t for many years. We have six kids together and I’m not going to lie, I love him. He’s the only man I have ever loved… who is walking all over me and making a fool of me.
I’m a 34-year-old male who discovered twelve years ago that my mother very likely indulged in an extramarital affair with another man when my sisters and I were children. The probable realization was painful. Because it was in the past and I wasn’t 100% certain the affair had actually occurred, I put it out of my mind. Late last year, I unwittingly discovered further proof and much to my horror, have realized that my youngest sister, very possibly, was the result of that affair.
I never disclosed my suspicions to anybody. But now, I honestly don’t know what to do. Realizing my youngest sister may actually be my half-sister changes everything.
I cheated on my fiancé with a man from work after being together for 6 years. I got pregnant. Both men knew. Both were willing to be dad if the baby was theirs. When I was five months along the other guy left work and I didn’t hear from him. I continued to be with my fiancé who did accept the baby after he was born.
I was emotionally drained. There was no DNA test done at that point on my son because the other guy left and I didn’t hear from him again until the baby was about 3 months old. He came in asking and I told him he was my fiancé’s baby. My baby resembled me completely. But as he got older I started seeing the other guy. On my sons first birthday about 6 months ago I saw the other guy in my son’s features. So I bought a DNA test.
Me and my fiancé have talked about this recently and both think he has the right to know as well as our child does. This has been eating at me. And it hasn’t been easy. My fiancé swabbed his cheeks but has been angry since. He didn’t want me to send the test out. But he says it is my choice. I sent the test out earlier this week and the waiting is insane. I’m about 99.9 percent sure my son is this other mans.
I wish I had thought things through better earlier on. My fear is that my son’s biological father won’t want anything to do with him, which I understand is his choice, but this whole thing is just a mess. I have felt comfort here reading others stories. I understand the emotional draining others have gone through and find comfort that I am not alone.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 yrs old. We’ve been together for 22 yrs. Early January of 2014 my husband confessed on having an affair with our 8 yr old best friend’s mother. Since then my husband left his home and family, which lasted a couple of months. In the mean time I was still fighting for our marriage. Result of this I found out that I’m pregnant.
The whole time the lady has created fake Facebook pages, and has called me numerous times. I had to delete my facebook page and change my phone number numerous times. It doesn’t help that this lady lives 4 blocks away our home. She’s always driving by our home and if she sees me, she waves hi to me.
Since I found out we’re having a baby he came back home. On Christmas eve this lady posted pictures on Facebook showing that she is also pregnant and she posted that it’s from my husband. Since then my husband is still at home. However this lady always updates her post to notify me that she is still seeing my husband. And it’s so obvious that she nails it. It never fails she does this when my husband is out by himself.
What do I do? I’m so torn by this and get very depressed and feel hopeless. I believe in my heart that he still sees or calls her. I’ve seen calls on his call log to her. Honestly I love this man with all my heart to know that he did this to our family. Our 3 children are aware of the affair but they’re not aware that she’s having a baby, as well.
Lety, my heart goes out for you. Mainly because you are going through my exact horror. It hurts! I was with my husband for over 10 years when I found out about the affair. Pregnant, broken and confused. Before I gave birth I learned she was also pregnant. He moved back home with us (3 kids) and has ended things with the other woman after a very long time and a lot of fights between him, myself and the other woman. It has been the worst experience of my life.
What I can tell you my sister is, if you love him and feel you want to stay married, start asking yourself if you will be able to live with the thought of the other child, because he/she will be part of your life forever. It might take time but things between you and your husband will settle down. The affair WILL END; it always does at some point although it is never as soon as you would like. But things will never be the same again in your marriage. You are still going to hate your husband for what he did to your family and will have to learn to love him again.
For now, try to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to keep sane through it all. Strengthen your relationship with God. Put all your trust in him and let him fight this one for you; that way you are guaranteed victory. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder! The mistress is not above God or your union. Let God deal with her. Block every contact with her to avoid continuous hurting. I will keep you in my prayers. Love, VP. South Africa
What if this is my story and I plan on taking this advice but am not sure if my husband is still being unfaithful with the child’s mother from the affair? Do I just rely on God?
Yes Completely… God is all you need!!! Try this website… Rejoice marriage ministries?
Dear Priscilla, thank you for your response. It has helped me because I too found out that my husband of ten years had cheated on me and had a two year old child. I am still bitter; I dont know if God’s grace can sustain me through a draining event as this and I am still debating on leaving. We have specific curtural practices in an event such as this and all were disregarded (When a woman accuses a married man of beign a father to her child – the man’s (husband’s) family takes the matter the woman (wife’s) family to ask them what should happen and then the wife will dictate what she wants and this is then taken to the other woman’s family. To cut a long story short, I found out that my husband’s father and elder brother knew about this child when it was born and they never told me. I feel like they don’t care about me either and have not accepted me as a child worthy of their family. Please pray for me.
Your comments to this lady that is crying out for help are so very helpful to me. I am so amazed at how many have, or are going through somewhat of the same thing I have and that saddens me. Trying to get through the infidelity and dealing with a child of an affair. Heck, I have to deal with my in-laws with this stuff. But only God can fight our battle. I pray the best for you, me and all women who are experiencing this hurtful experience.
God is in control… Rejoiceministries.com. Great website.
My husband and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We’re now 40 and 41 -26 years. 13 years ago he had an affair with a mutual friend which resulted in a son. We have three kids of our own. I hate telling this story because I really don’t want him looked at as a bad guy. We were young and he made a mistake and has proven time and time again that he is truly sorry. He’s not a serial cheater; there has not been an issue before or since this incident. He’s a great dad who loves his children, works hard, and takes care of his family.
My problem is I can’t let go of the anger, no matter how hard I try it is always there and it has stunted my growth. My anger has prevented him from being there for this child, because I can’t handle this unfortunate situation. He has sacrificed a relationship with his child to keep me happy. But as this child gets older I know it bothers him deeply; but no matter how much I love him (and I do with all my heart) my anger won’t let me support him with this and by not doing that I know that I am punishing the child because he’s missing out on a great dad; and I’m punishing him because I’m preventing him from being the good man that he is, and I’m also preventing our kids from having a relationship with their little brother. And I’m scared that one day they’re all going to blame me. With all that being said the anger in me won’t let me change how I feel. I’m asking for advice on how to let my anger go; I have held onto it long enough. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. I’m tired of being angry
Hello Kim, I’m going through a similar situation that you are. I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but I also struggle with anger towards my so called friend because I know true friends would never do one another like this.
But I can say what has honestly helped me is going back to church. I’m starting to come to a conclusion that it’s not the child’s fault and that I must now set boundaries and things are done on my conditions. One thing I’ve learned is that Healing is under the authority of the believer. We must trust in God and give it all to him. He will guide us and lay peace on our hearts. We have not fully forgiven the entire situation if we cannot deal with all aspects of what happened including the kid. And we have to forgive in order to move forward with our lives. I really hope this helps you. It’s a battle for me everyday to get through this and reading this website and others stories has helped me sooo much!
Kim, God bless you, I feel your anger. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for God will forgive as we do, but keep in mind that there is a guy on the other side of this that’s in your same position. He is raising this child as his! If y’all decide to be a part of this child’s life consider the other man please! The law is on your husband’s side but his forcing involvement turns the other family upside down. For him to have want you say means forcing y’alls will on the other family and the “dad” in the other fily gets his role stolen, and if he was around during the affair he already had the purity of his marriage taken away. Yes forgive, but don’t force!
Hey I just found out my fiancé got another girl pregnant I’m so mad I want to leave him but it’s like I can’t. This is so humiliating I don’t know if Ill be able to handle it when the baby is born. How is it being a step mom ?
Wow I’m going through the same exact situation.
I’m going thru the same situation. It’s so hard, but I want nothing to do with the child. We have 2 other children of our own, and his son cries for his mom when it’s our weekend to have him and I hate it, cause it’s a constant reminder that he is not my son. My husband and I argue a lot when it’s our weekend to have him. I wish he would give him up and not see him anymore. The kid doesn’t want to be with us, just his mom, so why not let him have what he wants?
He is only 5 and is already telling us he hates being with us, and wishes his mom was with my husband. We haven’t told him he was born out of an affair, not sure they ever will tell him. I hate the situation I’m in, but I love my husband to death. HelP!!!
I just found out my husband that I’ve been with since I was 15 and him 22 now almost 13 yrs later has a 5 yr old child with my own cousin, who has always been more like a sister. He has been paying child support outside of court for the last 5+ years. They have both known via home DNA test since she was about 4 weeks. My husband thought that since it was a home DNA that it wasn’t true, and paid more or less to keep the secret of the affair hidden.
My cousin always blamed his best friend for impregnating her and leaving the child fatherless. She had slept with my husband, the best friend, and the best friends brother in about a window of one week. Me and my husband had 2 children, our youngest being only 3 months when her daughter was conceived. I became pregnant 2 months after her so we were pregnant together and I was there when her daughter was born and vise versa.
My cousin in the beginning had hopes of being with my husband, but I think she realizes that’s not even an option by now (me and my husband have 5 children now and he isn’t interested in being with her) but that doesn’t mean she has resolved all of those feeling within herself. My cousin turned him in for child support, so his name is on the bc now and she will know he’s her father so he decided he wanted to step up and be there for her as her father. My cousin has always suffered from addiction and the child has led a less than ideal life for years and can really benefit from his involvement, plus our children know and love each other.
Since the truth came out about 4 months ago my cousin cut off all contact (except when I took the child school clothes shopping). She continued to text my husband while at work and call privately. She doesn’t talk to me; she wants to do “what’s best for her child” and has been extremely difficult to work with and makes being in her life all but impossible as she acts like the child coming to our home (when she used to drop her off anytime, she’s always had no problem coming with me or my husband as she has always know us). She acts like now it is going to be detrimental for her to come here and even our lawyer feels her actions are more of a power play on her part.
My point in explaining all this is this; I’ve chosen to forgive him and accept his child. That is what I must do. Even so, my cousin does her best to make it as difficult as possible. She wants visits to be with just her and him and the child and “work up to” her coming here to our home. In reality I’m sure the child would feel more secure with me there and with my kids she knows and loves around, but we are trying to ignore her control issues and agree until an actual court order is in place and she’s no longer in control, at least not to the effect where she’s using the child to control the situation.
The point being, is that if you choose to forgive you must truly forgive. If you choose to accept the child truly accept. You say the child cries for the mother. Do you comfort him at this point? Wouldn’t you comfort any crying or visibly upset child? If you are not or you’re distancing yourself from the child I’m sure the child feels this. You need to make sure your capable of loving the child without any prejudice. Don’t make the child pay for his mothers sins. Children are very smart and they can sense how you feel towards them.
I for one know once my cousin’s child actually starts coming to our home she will feel fine as I am able put my feeling for her mother, solely on her mother, or I wouldn’t allow her in my home and I’d make my hubby leave to see her. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I just refuse to let what they did have that type of control over me. I refuse to let it consume me or make me someone I am not, because I am an amazing selfless and loving person who has always been capable of forgiveness.
As a child born out of an extramarital affair and who hated both of her parents because she had to bear the stigma of her parents’ actions, I’ll say: “Ask God to help you see the whole situation with HIS eyes and to give you the strength to forgive your husband because you haven’t really.” Honestly, I commend you for staying with your husband. My dad’s wife did too and my mother, the other woman, still acts as if she was “abandoned” by her husband.
I’m 37 and have had no relationship with my dad since 2008. I haven’t seen him since 2003. My parents’ affair ended when I was 3, in a very acrimonious way with my dad doing his best to ruin my mom’s career. The next time I met my dad, I was 15. I didn’t even know how to call him. Since he’s a very well-known person, I grew up with people either calling me a bastard when they thought I couldn’t hear or asking me if his other children were my siblings. To this day, I have never met any of them but sometimes, I google them and save their pictures. I try to see if there’s any resemblance.
I still bear the shame of the circumstances of my conception, which is absolutely unfair. I truly believe that if I, at least, had a relationship with my dad while growing up, I wouldn’t feel so ashamed. In my situation, it was my mom who was against me seeing my dad; then he didn’t make that much effort, because he didn’t want/need the headache.
Anyway, as per my mom and I believe her since it’s an open secret that my dad used to have mistresses, I’m not his only love child. My point: please, do not punish a child who hasn’t asked to be born, especially under such circumstances. He’s a much a victim as you are.
Anna, thank you for sharing your experience. I came here looking for answers and perspective. My husband and I separated 3 years ago after he began an affair. I did not want the relationship to end, but needed to separate because of his actions. I had hoped he would end it and want to work things out. He is now dating someone else and just told me she is pregnant with his child. I am devastated because we haven’t yet divorced, and deep in my heart I held a candle for the possibility of reconciling.
I am very crushed, worried about the effect on our 2 children from our 10 year marriage, who are 4 and 5 years old. They haven’t even come to full terms with the separation, and sometimes ask why mom and dad can’t live together again. I am also not sure how to feel about this new child, and my initial thought is not wanting the child to have anything to do with my children. At the same time, I realize that because my husband has access to our children, I cannot control that. I worry about my children feeling replaced, or resenting this child.
Reading your comment reminds me it is not the child’s fault, he/she did not choose this. I just need help figuring out how to deal with the feelings of betrayal, and how to accept this news.
The other woman wants to meet me, and I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I feel very strange about meeting her, knowing she is sleeping with my husband, and carrying his child. I spoke to her briefly on the phone, and she seems nice. I’m not sure what he told her to have her accept him, knowing he is not yet divorced.
It is no longer a matter of reconciliation with my husband, he is not asking for that, and I don’t want it either, now that he has fathered another child. It’s more about how to deal with the existence of this new child, and this other woman.
Dear Jemma, I guess God brought me today to this page AGAIN. This is a pure coincidence since I was googling about the feelings of children born out of wedlock and I ended up stumbling across my March’s testimony. Boy, I was very much hurting when I wrote that and I guess, I still am. I’m gonna answer your question, not with my own story because to this day, I’ve never met any of my siblings and with the years passing by, I really don’t see the point.
A friend of mine went through what you described. Since the OW was told by the guy that he was single at the time of the affair, I guess it was much easier for my friend to be in touch with the OW and let the 2 siblings spend time together. My friend has divorced and the OW broke things off, the minute she learned a wife was in the background (she got hold of that piece of information after getting pregnant). I think getting along with the OW and making sure the “legitimate” child meet and have his other sibling in his life, was kind of therapeutic for both women because they somewhat know that they fell victims to a disloyal man.
In your situation, the child is not a reminder of your husband’s affair but pardon my frankness, maybe, a hurtful reminder of the fact that he didn’t really work hard for your marriage to survive his affair. Maybe you feel like he betrayed YOU by fathering this child because you held on to your marriage vows, even after the affair, while he obviously carried on with his life as if nothing changed in his life.
If your kids know that Daddy has a new girlfriend (they must do since you’ve been separated for 3 years), I guess you and their dad can explain the situation: the fact that your marriage has ended and that Dad’s having a new kid with someone else, so they’re gonna have a new little brother or sister. It’s up to their father to always make sure that they don’t feel left out nor replaced. As for you, in order to maintain a sense of normalcy and consistency for your kids, you might have at some point, to even spend some time with the 3 children, ONLY AFTER God has healed you. The friend whose story I described, sometimes, spends time at the park with the OW and her kid. She does it for her own child but also because the Lord healed her wounds, otherwise, no sane woman can do such thing.
As for the OW and the “I’m not sure what he told her to have her accept him, knowing he is not yet divorced”, I know some women get sucked up in these relationships because the guy told them, everything was over. They don’t feel like they’re taking another woman’s husband. I know that because of my personal history, I’ve always thought that until a divorce is pronounced, not any divorce but one for adultery, a married man is still married to his wife, no matter how long they’ve been separated. People should properly end up one relationship before leaping into another one, that’s my POV.
Anna, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. My husband had a child 14 years ago. I just knew three months ago. We both spoke to the child but the mother speaks a different language. I want to be a part of her life but my husband chooses us because we have two grown kids and he wants to keep his marriage. Although he might think he is doing the right thing I feel sorry for the child but because of the system and Shame. My husband wants nothing to do with the family. There were more children. Both my husband and the mother had two kids. The child in question found me on FB. My husband and I are trying to make it work. I know one day the child will reunite with our kids but not sure how it will go. It is scary.
Hello Kim, I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last 14 years. My husband & I were married 12 years with a 1 year old girl. After suspecting he was having an affair, we tired counseling. I found out a few months later the other woman was pregnant. I quickly filed for divorce (not wanting to but felt there was no way out). It was very difficult but after a few years of pain & hurt I was able to move on.
He was being a father to both of his children. Six years go by and we ended up have a one night stand and I at age 40 became pregnant. This was 9 years ago. We have many ups & downs and have been in marriage counseling but I feel I’ll never get over this. I try everyday to be positive but I feel broken. I wish I never went back with him. I love my 2 daughters and stay for them.
The hurt & daily reminders somedays are unbearable. Good luck with your situation. Surround yourself with positive people and not people who only judge you!
Hi Kim, I am in a very similar situation as you. Both my husband and I had affairs, his resulted in a son who is now 13 years old. I don’t want anything to do with this child. I’m so angry and the thought of how he came here never goes away. I’ve prayed, cried, and separated from husband. I’m so consumed with this that it’s beginning to take a toll on my health. I really don’t know what to do.
I recently found out that my boyfriend whom I have been with for seven years cheated on me a week after I had my eldest son. He hid this from me for five years and I just found out six months ago. I also found out the woman he cheated on me with got pregnant and he has a daughter with her from the affair. He knew about the baby two or three weeks after she found out she was pregnant and lied to me about this child for six years. I recently had another son with him that was four months old when I found out I was devastated I felt sick to my stomach.
Sad thing is I still love him I have tried to get over it. I encouraged my boyfriend to have
a relationship with this little girl but he told me he wants nothing to do with her. Little did I know he was visiting her behind my back lying to me after I was being so understanding during the situation I even met the little girl and picked her up every other Saturday and interduced her to my children and they love each other.
I have tried to deal with the feeling of betrayal and heartache but every time I see the mother my heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach they also text each other regarding the little girl. I want to try and make it work for my family but it just hurts too bad. I recently left my boyfriend but I still feel sad without him. I know in my heart I need to move on. He has cheated on me more than once but he is not going to change. Why am I having such a hard time healing? I feel so sad. Does Anyone know how to help me feel better and move on?
I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but at times I don’t know how to get over it or move on. He has never cheated before and has been proving to me that he wants me and only me. We’re supposed to be getting married in March. Anybody got any advice of what helped them through situations like this?
Hi Sharee, thank you very much for your words and your advice. You’re absolutely right I have a couple of people that I talk to and they also say talk to God. I’ve never been much of a church goer but I have started praying and I feel it’s helping. I want to get over this and truly be happy. It’s been 13 years. This is a part of our past that should be put to rest. I’ve decided to take this year to work on myself and become a happier.
My NH is and has done everything right to make me as comfortable as I can be with this situation. He doesn’t keep secrets, he tells me everything, and I’ve always had a say in what and how things are handled. There’s nothing more I can ask him for.
I wish you all the best in your relationship. I feel if you truly believe your fiancé when he says things are over with him and your “friend” and you know without a doubt that he loves you and puts you first then your relationship is worth saving. This website has helped me so much also. I always knew this was a common situation but just reading so many people’s stories makes me feel better. I know I’m not alone and my feelings are normal. I thank everyone for sharing.
I’m not finding anything like my family’s situation but we need some advice. My husband had two children prior to our marriage. One was from his first marriage, and the second was conceived from an affair, which broke up his first marriage. I also have two children from a previous marriage and we’ve had one child together.
We talk about everything as a family and get along with both of our ex-spouses very well, have dinner together and co-parent well. However, the other woman who my husband cheated with during his first marriage tells our daughter that she was the product of divorce and not of the affair. We don’t know how to tell our daughter the true story of her conception and birth and the effect it had on her older brother who was still a baby at the time, without causing her any problems.
If we don’t talk about it openly we’re betraying who we are as a family and I believe we’re risking their relationship moving forward. Also, our daughter seems to have self esteem and identity issues already and is mean to her little step sister, perhaps from her own questions about where she came from and what that means to her. It’s really hard to decide what to do and I’m not finding anyone in this position. Help!!
Kim, Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. He said it was only that one time and the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. I feel that he is genuinely sorry and we have continued to plan our wedding in March. It is great to read about people who have been there and have gone on to have great and happy lives. I know eventually he and I can get back to that point. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give feedback.
My husband of 30 years this October did something similar, but at the time I saw a text from her stating she was pregnant, questioned him, and he responded by saying some mad woman, any way she went back to country in Zimbabwe when she found out that she was pregnant. Last December he went to see his daughter. I kept asking him, as I had this feeling deep within my stomach for a while. His response was that he couldn’t tell me. Often it is easier if they own up as soon as possible, but it still doesn’t make the pain any easier.
Our children don’t want any thing to do with her. I have started to try to understand the situation 1 year on, but only through prayer and support of my pastor that I have gotten this far, as I have learned that nothing just happens.
Run…run…run! If he will do this before your married he will do it after. He’s linked now to this person. There is no forgetting because there’s always a reminder. My husband has cheated on me several times in 13 yrs of marriage. He lied sooo many times I trust nothing he says. He always promised to change, to do better. I found out about the first affair when we had a 2 month old. Now we have 6 kids. I always wanted to try to keep our family together.
Honestly though, if he had cheated before we had kids I would have left. I was scared of being alone. Now I have 6 kids and just found out he has been cheating again and she’s pregnant. She thought he was separated, which still doesn’t equal divorce. She contacted me when some things he told her weren’t adding up. She too is devastated by his lies but takes responsibility for her actions.
He just keeps lying when I asked about him having a girlfriend. Even before I heard from her. He doesn’t know she contacted me. He doesn’t know she’s pregnant. She said she isn’t seeing him anymore and barely answers his calls. She wants to leave and doesn’t want him to try to find her. When she is gone I’ve to decide what to tell him. But I know for sure for me I won’t put up with this. It is the ultimate disrespect.
I don’t know if he’ll ever change. There’s no trust at all. Sometimes you have to go into self preservation mode. It might hurt to call it off now but you’ll move on. Think of how it’ll hurt if he does this when you’re married. I’ve made it this far because of the strength of the Lord and now the Lord has told me enough is enough; you tried your best. Think of what you would tell your friend to do if she was in this situation. I know I would tell my friend don’t put up with this. Now I have to take my own advice. Good luck.
I’m currently 3 months pregnant and have been battling with guilt for sometime now. I had an affair with my boss, who’s been very good to me and honestly he’s like my dream man. But I’ve been married for 8 years now with a seven year old daughter. I love my husband but I got smitten with my boss. He has done many good things for me.
When his wife started getting suspicious last year I decided to get out of it, but my boss wouldn’t let me. He even threatened me and then begged, saying he’d just do anything. He’d follow me around even when I was working in another agency, just to be away from him. He’d kept saying we’ll just talk then he’d take me somewhere private.
Then I got pregnant. This time he agreed not to see me because he was scared. I’m so angry. Even though it was my decision, I still feel abandoned, and I’m so terribly afraid of the outcome even though my husband doesn’t know about it. He was happy for another child but I’m eaten with guilt. I’d wake up suddenly at dawn then I just cry. I can’t even try to pray; it’s like I’m not worth hearing.
God loves you. No matter what you’ve done. He’ll always remain a faithful, loving Father. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. There’s nothing you can do that can ever take His love away from you. Repent from your sins with a sincere heart and move forward. Unfortunately, you have to confess and tell your husband the truth. The lie will contaminate your spirit and take you further and further apart from God and your husband. Trust God my dear, that He can cause this situation to work out for your good.
Go and get counseling from a godly person who will direct you in the way of the Lord. Praying for you.
I became involved in an affair without knowing it. My partner emphatically denied being married or in any kind of relationship, even after being asked repeatedly. Soon after we started being together intimately I became pregnant. He expressed his not wanting a baby, but also promised to be there for me whatever my decision may be. I, at first, considered abortion. I didn’t want my child to be born in this crazy and confusing situation. Here I am in my 40’s with a younger man in my life. He doesn’t want a child right now, so he’s unhappy about the pregnancy.
I felt that bringing a baby into this situation would be the recipe for disaster. I set up the appointment, but couldn’t make myself go through with the abortion, so needless to say I had the baby.
When he found out I chose to have the baby he disappeared, calling every so often to “check on me” and the pregnancy. He wouldn’t come around during the pregnancy because he didn’t want to become emotionally attached to the baby. He has fought against her existence from the very beginning. He came back around when she was four months. He came back pouring all his business, everything about himself on my lap –everything. I was able to find out anything I ever wanted to know about him, and his family for that matter, because of the information he gave me.
He came full of apologies and asking to be in her life. He said he was committed to being in her life. He told me about the marriage and the kids he has with his wife. I was devastated. Since finding out I have never cried so much in life. I saw him trying. He really tried to be a part of her life, but that was short-lived when he realized he couldn’t spend any money or time on her without his wife knowing about it.
For a while he did come see her. I didn’t make a big deal about the money because I was aware of the situation with the wife. I just wanted my daughter to have her dad in her life, so I let it go. As long as he was there with her, spending time and making memories—giving our daughter her dad, that was all that mattered to me. I know that sound naive and gullible, maybe even desperate; however, I grew up without my dad. I didn’t want my daughter to experience that feeling –wondering where dad could be and why he never thought enough of me to be in my life.
That hurts at a whole new level–in a way that can’t be explained when you find out there are other children born to this same man. They came into existence the same way I did, but he was there for them. He loved them, played with them, helped care for them and encouraged them, but never thought to do those things for me. That really hurt. GOD, THAT HURT SO MUCH!!! I just didn’t want my child to experience that, yet I couldn’t protect her from it.
Now he doesn’t spend any time with her. He said he couldn’t be her father because he didn’t want to sacrifice what he has worked so hard for over the past 15 years –marriage, family, “love” and stability.
As the other woman I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in that situation. It hurts so much I wake up with tears in my eyes. I cry while I’m asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night pleading with God to take the pain away or just let us die. Some days it takes everything in me to function enough to get through the day. Sometimes I cry until I feel there’s nothing left in me. I feel hollow, empty, drained, unable to feel anything.
Listen, like you, I’m the daughter who grew up without her father because he had to take care of his “real” family. He sent them overseas to study, made sure they were well taken off.
Anyway, how did I get by while growing up? I took literally the whole “God’s our father”. I had no doubt whatsoever that Dad was my father and that was enough for me. My situation is akin to your daughter’s and let me tell you, she’ll be fine just like you’re. Children are very perceptive and if you seem to be a burden to your father because you happen to be a love child, you’ll know it.
From my experience, I was way happier when my dad was out of my life, then when he popped up when I was 15 and could sense I was more a nuisance than anything else. We kept up the charade until I was 30, then I set him free. I’d rather not have my biological father in my life, than dealing with someone who makes me feel like a second-grade child. His real children, to him, will only be the ones conceived in the matrimonial bed.
By the way, as per my mom, I’m alive because she refused to abort this time, like she did the 3 times before.
I would like to understand more from your perspective. I’m the OW who refused to abort. The father has never been involved, he went back to his wife and ended our relationship when he found out I was pregnant, well sort of, he took advantage of my feelings while pregnant, and even after my son was born. That was years ago though.
Today he only recognizes his real children. My son is 6 now and has never met his father. He asks often who his dad is, of course, because he’s at that age and all the other kids at school have two parents. I have always told him that his father is our Lord in heaven. But he keeps pushing, asking what about his dad your an earth.
His father and wife do not want anyone to know and refuse to acknowledge or communicate unless it is through his wife. He pays child support because he is legally obligated, and my son’s health insurance is through his wife, which makes difficult conversations when I need information. And every time I need information or have to communicate I’m accused of harassing him.
I have remained single by choice as I do not want drama… lol. Recently my son has been having difficulties so I went and had him tested 308 psychological evaluation. It was discovered he is clinically depressed and actually broken up about the absent father. It is heartbreaking for me as his mother to have to explain that his father just does not want him. I always try to change the subject whenever he brings it up instead of telling him the truth for fear that it would just devastate him even more.
My only concern is my sons feelings; it tears me up to read how people are so concerned about their feelings and forget about the child and what they need. Any words of wisdom from the child’s perspective is greatly appreciated. What would you have liked your mom to tell you? How do you feel about your dad letting me grow up for you, better or worse?
Hi Ann! I’ve wanted my mom to tell me the truth instead of me having to figure things out at 8. Just like it can be hard for a girl to grow up and build her own identity without a mother figure, it’s the same for a boy. Tell your son the truth: your dad is X; he’s married; his kids are X, Y and Z; he’s helping us financially from time to time. “Why can’t dad see me?” Your dad is married and that makes it difficult for him to see you.
Pray God to fill you up with his spirit and give you the right words. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Truth matters to children.