What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
So, I’m a victim of an affair. I’m not alone. The child my husband fathered with a married woman is also a victim. I want my marriage but I’m not ready for a family gathering. I’m really slow with processing emotions because when I settle and make a decision about something, I like to be true to myself and my words. My husband seems urgent for us to work this out and move forward.
When I sought scriptUral guidance, I found myself receiVing revelation from Genesis. Abraham and Sarah. Before Sarah conceived and gave birth at 91, her maid Hagar had a baby by Abraham. When Sarah became “uncomfortable ” with the other child’s presence, she ordered them to leave. Abraham was grievous and God told him to listen to his wife. So, the mother and child were sent away. God explained how he would work everything out for all involved. Now, my husband maintains that he wants his wife but can’t turn his back on his child. Did God give Sarah a voice in this situation for women like me? I believe we should trust and obey and God will work it out somehow (unlike Abraham, financial support is a given).
I did have a boy while have an affair. It isn’t simple to say. My marriage at the moment was going pretty bad and I found someone else while I was suffering marriage problems. He was much younger than me and it was a stupid thing to start a relationship with him behind my husband. I did have the child and my husband and I tried another chance. We are happy together. We have 3 kids and all our kids are happy.
Hello, I’m turning to God to help me heal and take that pain away. My story is this, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. Some time ago I found out I was HIV positive. I told him about it and even though he is negative he decided to stay with me. A week ago I got a call from a girl who told me that she has a one year old child with my man. I was devastated, hurt, betrayed and was just wondering why. I know that he really loves me and he’s making a lot of effort for me to forgive me. The problem is I can’t ever look at him the same. Would I ever be able to trust him? We are supposed to get married soon. Can I live with this? Even though he has supported me a lot, I don’t know if I can do it.
I’m a 34 year old woman. I was married to my husband for 10 years. The last three years of our marriage was really rocky. We were having money issues, and he was addicted to drugs. So from being a stay at home mom I had to go back to work. At this time we had 8 year old son. At my job I started an affair after three months of conversations with a black male. After 8 months I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I tried to work things out isn’t account when you went to church I believe the burden was too much for him knowing that I was going to have a biracial baby.
I went to visit my mom for the weekend with my son. I came back and he committed suicide; I found him in the garage. I was three months pregnant. I have so many mixed emotions. It’s my fault that my sons father is no longer here with us, that I had such an negative impact on my husband taking his life. I blocked my daughter’s father from being in her life. I wanted nothing from him; I disliked his life style that he had. A month before she was born he came back and begged to be in her life. I agreed. My daughter turned a year Sep 24th and he has done nothing for her only came here to sleep with me. I tried to help him become a better person and get his feet back on the ground and all the time has used me bad, lied this whole time. He plays games. Am I wrong if I did not have a relationship with his daughter? I don’t know what to do; I’m not in a good place.
Melissa, I’m so sad for you and for your son, in losing your husband this way –whether you were together, or not. I’m so sorry. As for your daughter’s father… there is nothing that says you have to let him into YOUR life. If he wants to see his daughter, and you can be assured that he will be with her in positive, and good ways, then that would seem like a good thing to do. But from what you have written, I certainly wouldn’t be alone with him or let him gain any ground in being with you alone in any way.
Any contact would be ONLY on the subject of his daughter –nothing personal from there. He can arrange to call you before picking up his daughter so you can meet him on the front porch or at a designated public area, or a relatives house (yours or his) for the exchange, and then you leave or he does and brings her back on time to the front door (or again, a designated public area). He wouldn’t be allowed in the house because he has shown that he works to gain ground with you in personal ways when that is allowed.
If he wants to see his daughter, then make it about that –not about anything else. Make it a “business only” deal –with your daughter being his business –not you, or he gets nothing. If you’re afraid of where this can go, then contact the courts to see what arrangement can be made so you don’t have to be at his mercy.
Hi. We are Christians, married for 13 years with two under 8 year olds. I just found out my husband had an affair and there could be a possible pregnancy. The other woman stays in another town and is refusing to go for preggies test. I love my husband but don’t think I want to be a part of the whole child issue. I am asking for a divorce if the child is his. My hubby refuses to apologize or to cut contact with the other woman. Please advice.
Hello sister. We are in no position to advise as we don’t have the full story and even if we did at the end of the day you need to figure out what you want and how much you believe you can handle. For the sake of your sanity I’d say contact your pastor or a Godly counsellor or therapist to help you find a way forward. In the meantime wait and see what happens. Is the baby your husband’s? You cannot make your husband feel remorse for his unfaithfulness and that is at the core. His unfaithfulness. And that’s what you need to check in your heart.
Are you willing to forgive him despite this or not? How are you going to stay married and not have anything to do with his love child? As for me I pray for God’s leading and His peace in your lives. I pray He reveals Himself in this situation and takes control. I pray that God’s hand touches your husband and draws him close to Him. Strength and Love to you…
My husband had an affair in 2006; we have been married since 2003 and we just found out this year that he has an 8 year old son only 3 months older than our son. And now my husband wants me to support him with this child. I told him I support you giving him money. But I cannot raise him as my husband stated he wanted to have his son (from the affair) by his side one day. He never even knew the child existed til recently.
I also had two children before we got married. He knew that when we got married and he is constantly throwing that in my face saying I had kids. I say yes, but you knew that when we got married. I didn’t tell you to go have an affair and get a girl pregnant, that I wanted to raise that child… I didn’t break any vows, he did. Why do I have to live with the consequences? Am I wrong for not wanting this child to live with us? This child is not even in this USA; he lives in EL Salvador.
Ann Marie, your partner knew you had 2 kids before the two of you got together. You expected him to love your children. That is an easy expectation for you to have, and if he did so, “wonderful”. Now you found out he had cheated on you. Maybe there are 3 questions you should ask yourself: 1.Can I forgive my husband for having had an affair? 2.Was he a good father to the 2 children you brought into this marriage and the child you created together, and did he treat all equal? 3.Do you still feel the same about your husband since you found out he fathered another child without him even knowing he had another son?
All your husband knew was, he cheated on you and nothing more. I understand it is quite a bit to ask to be excepting of finding out he had an affair and a child, and a whole lot more for him to ask you to bring this child into your and children’s life. That is a huge chunk to swallow, however it is not the child’s fault. That boy had nothing to do with the infidelity of your husband and should not be punished, but neither should you as a reminder of his infidelity.
You did not mention if the other woman is married and if this child also has a stepfather. If so, then I would believe it would be better for your husband to give financial support, write letters and share pictures between him and this son as well as your family. Let the other child know he is not rejected; but causing this child and your children a disruption to what your children and this child knew for the past 8 years, I don’t think is a good idea. Your husband’s former mistress must have had a reason why she didn’t share such important news with your husband almost 10 yrs. ago when they both created that child together.
Thank you, this is helpful. My husband cheated on me and has a child from his mistress. It’s very painful for me. Thank you for the spiritual advice, I really needed that too.
My husband of 12 years is having a child with the woman he had an affair with for a year and a half. I’m so hurt. I cry almost every day. He doesn’t want me to go. But I feel betrayed. I haven’t told anybody not even my Pastor. I don’t understand how good people get hurt. I’m really ashamed to tell my Pastor or my family. I don’t want to hear you’re stupid for staying. The other woman is being mean saying I’m having his child and you not. I don’t want bad to happened to the baby but I know life’s not fair. I pray she must know as she stated she’s a month pregnant that all goes well. I feel you shouldn’t act PROUD after sleeping with someone’s husband. Please pray for me.
I feel your pain. On January 5, 2016. I just found out through a private FB message, that my husband has an 8 month old. Doing the math the baby was conceived right before we got married. I was crushed. I’m still going through. We’re in counseling now… I understand why there are shows dedicated to violent behavior after something like this comes out. Some may argue with me about this but Ishmael was not the son of the promise, Issac was, and with that said God sent Ishmael to grow up in the other corner of the earth, and so it will be the case in my situation.
My husband’s ex-concubine will be introduced once again to single motherhood. This is her 4th child out-of-wedlock as her punishment, and my husband will have to cut her a check for the next 18 years as his. Clean cannot dwell with the unclean. This woman is not a believer; she has a totally different set of values. She nor her child will intermingle with my future children. I won’t have it. And that will be the end of that.
And through discussions with his ex-concubine, after she realized that he was staying with me, it appears that she wants the money. I expressed to her that I forgave her, and she was unregretful and even tried to hurl insults at me, the victim…? There needs to be a bigger discussion surrounding women who think this behavior is Ok. In my dealings to be Christian with this ex-concubine it’s clear that she wants a relationship with him, for trying to destroy our relationship before we got married, she knew we were getting married… smh.
I will not feel less than or cheated out of the life I deserve. I have no children. My husband had 3 children in his first marriage. This will be a fourth. He wants to save our marriage, so I’m demanding what I deserve. See ladies, when you take time out to develop yourself first, and care of yourself, when you’re independent, you can truly make independent decisions with a clear mind. Don’t be half of a person when you get married. Be a full complete person, whole in Christ.
I’m staying with my husband not out of necessity or for survival, or financial. I’m staying b/c he’s remorseful and God has placed it on my heart to forgive. I’m tired of reading posts that suggest that forgiveness means you have to deal with the baby. That’s not going to be my life… at least not right now until God directs me otherwise. In the meantime stay prayed up. Read the Bible. The stories are there for guidance. Read about Abraham. Read About David. Love you ladies. And praying for healing. But keep it all the way real in here :) … And yes I hurt sometimes. But the sun’s coming out and with each day. I’m choosing to be happy. I choose to walk in my God given destiny.
I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 boys ages 7 and 8. I found out 2 years ago he had a 1 year old baby girl and I still can’t fully accept it. It hurts to know someone else gave your husband his first little girl and I think about it daily. It’s hard for me to trust him but I’m trying. I just want to know how I can get over it if I continued to stay.
I was married to a man who was horrible to me. He was never home, out drinking with the guys, taking trips without me… I could go on. I ended up having an affair. I got pregnant. My husband and I decided to try to work it out and he’d raise our baby as his, and never speak a word of it again.
I still live with the horrible guilt of having an affair. Four years later we divorced, very amicably. We remained good friends, we talked daily about our children, cooperated with each other, etc. It seemed like we were better friends than we ever were married. We both had a lot of growing up to do, and we got thru all of the horrible aspects of our divorce and our children were better for it.
Fast forward, our son is now 15. His dad is engaged to a manipulating shrew who has sabotaged our good relationship. It’s horrible now; she has him convinced that our relationship was unhealthy, that I’m a piece of trash for cheating on him, etc. I’m certain that he has told her our situation, and I’m scared to death that she will tell my son. What should I do? I can’t talk to his father; he won’t talk to me anymore. And, in the off chance that this subject hasn’t been brought up, I certainly don’t want to mention it.
Every day I live with the knot in my stomach wondering if they’ll tell my son and he’ll never forgive me. At the time I did what I thought was best for him, even though I was desperate to leave the marriage. I have screwed this up so much… I don’t want to screw it up for my son. Please help me.
I’m in the same situation and I feel like I’m going crazy. Me and my husband have been together for a little while. I found out two months ago he had an affair, never during marriage, but a few months before. The woman popped up and let us know she was about to have a baby and it could be his. Him and the woman both were using meth and heroin, during the affair. I wish I could say I can forgive because he was high but it’s no excuse. Now the little girl is born. He says he wants to sign over rights because I don’t know if I can deal with this and want to save our marriage, then he says he does. I’m caught in the middle of a hard place. He talks about suicide or going back to drugs if I leave. I just don’t know if I can look at the little girl and not keep getting upset at him for this affair. I know she is innocent and he doesn’t want to lose me but how do I turn off the anger and hurt? This whole time I was trying to get pregnant with our first child and I found out I can’t have kids. This is devastating to me. I feel like i hate him. I can’t sleep; I cry all the time. Please help.
Mine is a whole complicated issue that I battle with everyday of my life. I found myself in a rather complicated situation as I found myself married to a man who has a terminal disease and as such could not have children. He has children from his previous girlfriends and also has been married before. I found myself trapped because I needed children and we couldn’t afford to have such medical assistance.
Later in the marriage I found out that my husband hasn’t been honest about his finances, which also caused a strain in our marriage though I still believed we could make it work. As time went I grew desperate for a child. I had never cheated on ma husband. I was constantly suspected of cheating and verbally abused all because he was 17 years older than me, sick and broke. I never even thought of cheating, until one day I met a guy who was younger than me and he started befriending me. He didn’t hide it that he liked me and at first the thought of a younger guy disgusted me, but he started giving me too much attention, complementing me on my looks, the way I dress.
I found myself thinking about this young man, and started fantasizing about him giving me a child. After maybe 6 months of developing a ‘friendship’ with this young man I fell for him and got pregnant by him. I was so happy that I forgot I was married to someone else. All the men I had known in my life have never been able to give me a child now this…i thought to myself. It was easy for me to deceive my husband who was quietly amused at the idea of having a baby. He asked me how it happened since we always use protection. I lied. I told him it was a miracle.
I feel bad everyday. My husband told himself he couldn’t question God’s ways, and accepted the pregnancy. My love for my lover grew. He was there for me during pregnancy (we are colleagues) and my husband was there for me too. My child is 2 years old now. I have only affection for my lover, and problems in my marriage continue. My husband continues to be abusive. I tried to get a divorce and he threatens to take my child away (he is a very good father through all this).
Recently my lover broke up with me because I wouldn’t leave my husband, but still asks a lot after his child. I keep asking myself why I never told the truth from the beginning. I’m scared that if I tell my husband he would hurt me (he has started being physical). I have no one to talk to, but this is eating me up. I need God’s intervention. I can’t understand why I was in this position, why I wasn’t given a chance to have kids with my husband. It’s all a mess, but I also feel I did right because I need to have children. My husband has now what was I to do. I still want one more child and my lover keeps asking me when he will have his child. What should I do? I don’t love this man I’m married to. I know I have no future with this young man but I want him to have a relationship with his child. Is it even fair for my child not to know his real father? It’s all a huge mess.
I am a married man who had an affair 15 years ago. My wife and I of 30 years were having problems. I ran into a childhood friend. She was in an abusive relationship. I was in a what I thought was a bad marriage. Well, I worked it out with my wife and all’s good. Then I came home and found out that me and my childhood friend had sex one time and she got pregnant. But she moved in with a new man and he thought the child was his. I get called to take DNA test and found the child is mine. But I love my wife more than I ever did. I hurt her so bad she thinks it was a long time affair. One bad choice and I am about lose the love of my life. Our children are grown and the other child is 16yrs old now and in jail on drug charges. Love is not there. Pray for me as I don’t want to lose my good and faithful wife.
I am a wife of a cheating husband; we have been together for 10 years and came into the marriage with children already. We both decided not to have more children together because there was 8 between us already. He has 5 and I have 3. Well last year he had an affair and the woman got pregnant. I was devastated, but I tried working out my marriage because I love him so much. I told him that the only way to start building on the trust in our marriage is that he is going to have to tell his lover in front of me that their relationship is over and I would need to be present when he picks the child up or talk to the childs mother over the phone. He thinks that its a bit much, I agree but it was a bit much when he had an affair on me and to top it off, didn’t use protection.
At one point I felt God telling me to stay in my marriage, most of our children are adults now the last two are 17 and 15, so it’s not for the kids. But now I’m not sure if I have the same love that I once had for him. I value the sanicty of marriage and I truly don’t want to get a divorce and start over. I was willing to accept the child at one point, but when my husband continued to talk to the woman behind my back, it caused more hurt, pain and distrust. We are now separated and she is due to have her baby any day now, very close to our anniversary date of April 16th.
I am really into my feelings right now and I don’t know what to do… my husband wants to continue to communicate with me and it’s hard for me to not talk to him. I signed up for a dating site and there are a lot of men interested in me, but I’m not interested in dating anyone other than my husband. But right now I don’t even want to be around him. I’m a Christian and I know the things that I am to do, but it’s so hard when you’re going through the situation, to encourage yourself. I have never slept with another man since I married my husband and I am not even tempted to have an affair. I thought that maybe I could so I could hurt him as much as he hurt me, so I signed up for the site. But the Holy Spirit quickly convicted me.
I guess my issue is, God has not released my husband from my heart in order for me to move forward, God is keeping me here for a reason, but I don’t know why. Is it to much for me to ask my husband to have an open relationship with this child’s mother in front of me? I can’t take the other way because it makes my mind wander to far off and it causes me to stress out. I truly don’t want to be disobedient to God if he wants me to stay married. I need prayer and a healing today because it has been going on far to long and I was not expecting to be here dealing with this at this point in my life…
Who knows how it feels, I think I am still in shock. I have a 7 month old baby, only to have found out that my hudband of 7 years, together for 11, has been involved with a woman for two year’s and now has a three month old baby. It feels like a dagger has been pierced through my heart. I found him cheating with this women, I phoned her and spoke with her. I thought that they had called it off. It only took me snooping on her social media to see she had a baby. When I confronted him, he denied it for three weeks until he finally cracked and confessed. All the thought’s of him picking out baby things with this women and being with her throughout her labour, whilst I was taking care of our baby is painful. He claims that he told her I was having a baby, then she told she told him he does not need to use protection, as she is taking birth control, and the fool fell for it. One thing you have to ask yourself is, Can I live with it???? The child is for a lifetime. Time is a healer, God will comfort us and the children throughout this difficult time.
I’m in your shoes. My husband had an affair as well and now has a 5yr old. I can’t allow the child’s mom to have an open relationship with my husband due to it being a one night stand. I can’t trust her or him and I feel they really don’t have anything to discuss. Me and the mom talk if there is anything she wants us to know. This is a struggle for me; I feel I’m alone and really don’t have anyone that understands me. I just have to pray
So sorry to hear what your going through, but if he wants to continue you guyses marriage he has to be willing to accept the way you want things handled. You need to be first priority because you are one together. He needs to choose who it is he wants to be with. I would not continue to have sex with him because if he is still seeing this woman behind your back he is most likely still having sex with her so whatever you do, choose wisely.
Hi Can I love? You have to put all your cares on the Lord right now. You need to healing from this so that you can have a clear mind. You can bear this thing.God said hes not going put more on you then you can bear. In that is your husband a saved?
Can you please tell me the outcome of your situation as I too am in the same situation. I’m devastated, defeated, worthless …I’m so lost. The 1st thing people I know say is “just leave him.” Well even though I was wronged, I couldn’t financially leave even if I did decide to leave. This man is my best friend. I’ve been with him 21yrs… where do I go from that!??
Hello, as my mother would say. You never know what someone is going through until you read or hear their story. I am a wife who has been with my husband for 13 years and married for six this August 3rd 2016. When 12 o’clock hit I watch 12 o’clock. I watch the whole morning, the whole afternoon. But, for the kids, kept a smile on my face. It was our anniversary and he had no clue after 13 years, faithful. With an autistic child struggling, a schoolteacher, I was a paralegal and never breathed the word ‘cheat’ on this man. And just too I found out that he had a 16 month old child. This woman has caused me to lose my job, and an assault charge, and it’s something about him that says he’s created this bond with her, that he can’t let go now. He cries and begs to stay home, and he tries. His life was exactly like a lifetime movie Sleeping with the Enemy, living a double life. Boy, am I stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, numb. I will pray for you, you pray for me, because right now I’m not sure what else to do. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m 34, she’s 24. I’m lost for words.
It’s there in black and white, you know what to do: Leviticus 20:10; If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.
I just discovered my dad had an affair. Hes’ over 55 and his child that is like 8! I am 25 my sisters are 30 and 22. I am so mad at him how could he do that to us!?! Hes’ also emotionally abusive to our mum and she stays because my sister is doing engineering at a private school which she can’t afford so she has to put up with his infedility!
I literally wish he was dead. He still sees this woman who is almost the same age with my older sister (she’s 34) which means he had an affair when she was in her twenties! We could have been siblings!
I hate him so much and have to pretend for the sake of my mum who knows what he could do to her,
I wish him dead.
I want some insight for my own situation. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Five years into the marriage I found out he had been cheating on me with a sister in the church who was very close to us. It was hard trying to move past it. We have a total of 4 children together so as a mother I’ve tried to be strong to forgive and build my family; it’s not been an easy road.
I knew the day I said ‘I do’ to someone, I never wanted to be a statistic of divorce. I was young, my mind was made up, and he was a church kid just as I was. I had become pregnant and found out 5 months into the pregnancy it was twins. After I delivered them I went back to the hospital for my check up and I’m 4 weeks pregnant. So at the age of 23 years I’m a wife, mother of 3, I worked and went to school on and off.
It appeared nothing was wrong with our sex life. In 2011 my husband became very distant, when he didn’t want me around he would start an argument to leave. He decided he wasn’t going to the pay bills or give me money at this time. He wanted to argue all the time and just pick on me for little stuff. So I began to back away from him because I didn’t understand. Then he comes to me and says I’m being silly so I’m gonna move out. I didn’t care because I was never raised to take care of a grown man, so I said ok. He packed his things and I came home from work one day and he was gone.
Then the phone calls began. A friend called and said “Hay are you still married? I know we don’t talk much but my husband saw your husband out with another lady”. I was devastated. They just kept coming from different people. My kids would go over on the weekend and come back next saying things like “dad’s girlfriend”. So I drew up divorce papers. He didn’t sign them so I forged his name and paid. But then he wouldn’t go talk to the class involving children in a divorce, so it was denied. He kept this up for 11 months. Then on Valentines day weekend, he moves his things back in while I’m at work and ask me to meet him at a restaurant and gives an excuse that it was all my fault.
In 2014 my husband started getting weird but this time it was different, he was buying me anything I wanted, taking me on random dates. I could never get him to do wedding rings so I gave up on that, what women just don’t want a ring or want her man to wear one.
He takes me to pick out a ring, he buys it, I was floored, he never got one. I asked, are you ok, he says well I have something to tell you. I wasn’t honest about the girl I’v been having a problem with, I cut her off when I came back home but I was miserable so I was still messing with her and now she’s pregnant and I’m the suspected father.
I have been checked out for the passed year, I have no idea what to do. I can’t pray, I can’t hear, I can’t really feel. I’m just like a robot right now, my heart is dark and lonely, we had a child between this time as well that is now 3 years old. I am so tired, I just wanna take my kids and relocate and start my life over somewhere else, and free myself from this man so that someone with integrity and wisdom and honesty can find me. Now all of a sudden he loves me so much and he doesn’t want me to leave him. Now he wants his family.
I have never slept around on my husband period, he is all I know. I don’t think I could forgive myself for such a thing but I’m beginning to think I’m missing out on something, I know God wouldn’t let me do such a thing if I wanted to. I feel violated by my husband because he’s been with someone else without my knowledge. None of this time we never stopped having sex, even when he moved out. Everything he said were all lies, but this baby now proves other wise and I feel stupid. He is just a liar and it took me 15 years to find out that when anyone has said something wrongful about him, he has been able to wiggle out of it and turn them into liars, but this time the truth can’t be made a lie. Someone please help me.