What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
I desperately need advice from someone else who has been through my situation before. My husband and I have been married for 27 years last April. After we were married only 3 years my husband slept with an old girlfriend from his past and she became pregnant. She didn’t tell my husband she was pregnant. She knew he was married and did not want to break us up. My husband at the time was not a Christian. He never told me about the affair. About a year later my husband began to go to church and God changed him. (We had a 1 year old son and I was about 4 months pregnant with our daughter when he had the affair.) We went to church and taught Sunday school and I trusted my husband 100 percent.
12 years went by and we adopted a beautiful baby girl. My husband got a phone call from a family member and told him that he had a 12 year old daughter from the woman he cheated with. That night he had to tell me about it before I found out from someone else. I thought I would die. The pain was so devastating I prayed I would not wake up the next morning. I was horrified about anyone finding out. I was so heartbroken I could barely breathe. I felt like I needed to see the child which was 12 years old at this time. I had to see what she looked like; I had to know did she look like my husband, maybe she really wasn’t his after all.
The very next morning my husband called a relative and got the mom’s phone number and called and ask her if it was true and she said yes. She explained that she never intended for us to find out. She did not want to cause any problems for us. He asked if we could see her. She said we could pick her up at her grandparents and take her to lunch. When we pulled up and I saw her I knew she was my husbands child. She looked just like our daughter which was 7 months older than this child was. It took months for me to be able to stop crying every 5 minutes. I started sending the mom child support. The mom never called my husband for any reason. If we wanted to pick his daughter up I made the contact with her. My pain and anger was towards my husband not her. We actually became friends and she assured me from the beginning that she had no interest in my husband. It was something that happened once and she never wanted to cause us problems. We became close to the daughter and all was fine.
I thought I was over all the pain and heartache. As the child grew up she realized all she has to do is mention something to daddy and he jumps to give it to her. Completely opposite of how he treats our children. He was very tough on ours and treat’s her like a princess. He had nothing to do with our daughter but would take his daughter on hunting and scuba diving trips. About a year ago his daughter got married and guess who paid for most of it. He would not even ask before he told her he would pay. When I get upset he says it’s his daughter and he will help her, just like he would our kids. When I stopped giving her money she pretty much doesn’t have much to do with me anymore. My husband takes her to lunch and doesn’t even tell me about it.
It has been 12 years since his affair, but all the hurt of his betrayal has come back. I feel betrayed by him when he talks to his daughter or sees her. I don’t dislike her at all. I feel like he just throws me away when she’s around. I’m not sure what to do about this. She’s 24 years old now and I should be over this by now. It’s ruining our marriage because I am so angry at him for bringing her into our marriage. I just wish she was never born so she would not be in our lives. Her birth was the most painful thing in my life. But to my husband her birth is the best thing in his life. I don’t know what to do. I’m over the affair but I’m so betrayed by my husband and his daughter from his affair. What can I do to stop feeling this way? I asked him not to see her without me being there. But that made him angry because he feels she’s his child just like ours are. He thinks she is entitled to everything they are. The only difference is our 3 kids have to work there butts off to get it and she does nothing. He says he feels guilty for missing out on her first 12 years of life.
On some days I’ll I can do is cry and then some days I’m so angry at him I think about leaving him. He just thinks I should get over it. Why should I have to work and pay for the things he wants to give her? I know there are things in the future that will be coming up like her and her husband are building a new house and my husband is wanting to give her about 15 to $20,000 on it. I don’t want to. We both work; I worked at a job I absolutely hate and he is making the decision without me. I know one day she will have a baby and I can’t even begin to think about my husband being there with her for that. I hate the way I feel about the whole thing. I’m not a selfish person at all. In 27 years I have never cheated on my husband, so I don’t understand why I’m the only one paying for his actions. Will I always feel this way? Will I ever just get over it and these feelings stop jumping out of nowhere?
My dear, I am so sorry. Things come on our ways at times we will never think of. However, I have realized nobody can make us happy but ourselves. My advice to you is to see the positive and let go of the negative. As a christian, let go and let God – nothing is impossible to Him! Peace and love my sister.
I love your comment- ‘Nobody can make us happy but ourselves’- and- ‘let go and let God!’ Wonderful… thank you so much. You have helped me more than you know, Louise x
Wendy, I cannot begin to tell you what a blessing coming across your post has been to me. I am in almost the identical same situation and absolutely torn over what to do. I too am at a place of either staying in my marriage knowing it will be a long hard road of drama, chaos, uncertainty, pain for my children or do I just cut my losses and get out now so I don’t have to deal with any of the headache that goes along with a child from infidelity. Our 4 children( who are all younger than 13 and younger than the other kid) have no idea about her. We didn’t find out about her until she was almost 4 years old because the mother filed suit for child support even though he was never notified of her existence.
He had an affair in his previous marriage but was also seeing me at same time and this other woman. When I found out he was married (not getting divorced as he originally told me) I immediately broke things off with him but the other woman continued seeing him knowing he was married for about 1 month longer. To this day I am convinced she did it on purpose to try and break up his first marriage as she was an immature 18 year old and obsessed with him. He broke things off with her quickly, cut all communication and got divorced. Then a few months later he found me, we reconnected and 4 years later we were married with 2 babies and that is when she dropped the bomb on us. At the time I was so in shock I became numb and didn’t really deal with the situation with a clear head as I was already overwhelmed as a new mom with two infants.
I let him take the lead on the situation and asked to be left out and I wanted no contact with the child or the mom; I just didn’t have any interest or energy to deal with it and wanted to focus all my attention on my babies. They went to court and settled on visitation rights and child support. I was bitter about the entire situation but I was scared to be a single new mom with 2 babies so I dealt with it the best way I knew how which was not to deal with it at all. I didn’t want to hear anything about the other child, the visitations, nothing at all. He only visited her a few times over the next 2 years or so mostly because it was so far away and also he could see how much it affected me to have to watch him leave to go spend time with the other kid while leaving me home with our 2 babies.
Then suddenly she asked for him to give up paternal rights claiming abandonment. We knew she was just being malicious and trying to use the child against him because she was mad he had moved on with his life and happily remarried with a new family. She claimed her then husband wanted to adopt the child since he had been the more present father figure. We reluctantly obliged though I was secretly relieved we would no longer have legal or financial obligation to the child anymore and the strain it had caused on our marriage would be over and we could focus on our own family. Or so I thought…..
Fast forward 7 years and my husband all of a sudden gets a call from the mom saying the daughter is asking about him and wants to know about him. Well, coincidentally she is also separating from her husband too! He hid this away from me and did not tell me about it out of guilt knowing the drama it would cause as at this time we now have 4 children at ages that would be able to understand how they all of a sudden have a half sister. He accepted communicating with the girl behind my back and I found out because she sent a letter to our home. I’ll never forget the look on my daughter’s face as she handed me the letter after checking the mail asking me why dad is getting a letter from “Miley Cyrus” (the girls name resembles that). I was absolutely heartbroken, angry, in shock,again and so angry that he had welcomed this into OUR home without my consent our knowledge. The story continues on but I feel like I have rambled on and it is making me angry all over again…
To this day it is still a very hot topic between us because he wants to integrate the child but I don’t think it is fair to our children to sacrifice their sense of security and change our family dynamic or force upon them the drama it would cause.
I just happen to be searching websites on healing after infidelity when I happened among this website. I am always amazed at how many people are going through the same thing I am going through. I have been married for 16 years. After the second year of my marriage I slipped into depression because of all the things that were going on in my marriage. It seemed as if nothing was going right in my marriage as far as finances and me finishing school. My dad had made some comments that I was doing so good before I got married and blamed everything on my husband. Hearing it so much I started to blame my husband as well. While dealing with depression I stopped communicating with my husband. I stop letting him touch me as well.
In three years time my husband could probably count on his hands how many times we were intimate. After three years of my husband begging that we go get help he finally found someone else to spend his time with. After about a year of us trying to work on our relationship this young lady became pregnant. When my husband told me about this girl being pregnant he promised me that he would have nothing to do with her or the child if we worked on us. Well that proved to not be true because once the baby was about five months I found out that he was visiting the child all of the time and was even in the delivery room. Eventually the girl got the message that he had no intentions of leaving his family and she moved on and didn’t want him to see the child.
Dealing with all that was going on and the anger and embarrassment I once again withdrew from my marriage and my husband. After four years another young woman came around (9 years younger than him). He said nothing was going on with this woman yet this woman would call my phone and send me messages on facebook about my husband. After he claimed he was not messing with this woman I found out that this woman had a child that was two months old. He claimed that he had just found out from the paternity test that the child was his. This child mother was on drugs and was in and out of jail. Because she was not reliable the child was with her parents. Because the child was with her parents he was expected to help out.
I feel bad because I honestly do not want these children around. I do not have to worry about the first one because she is older and do not want to come around any way. However this last one has me worried because I am afraid that sooner or later he will be expected to take care of this child. I don’t want to hate this child (and I really do not), I hate the situation. I hate that some other woman was that intimate with my husband. I hate that this will be the last child that my husband has. I am embarrassed about what my family thinks about these children. The last child is about 5 or 6 and I still cry all the time and have not gotten over it. I am tired of my life being consumed about this situation because I honestly do not know how to get over it. I don’t trust my husband and I don’t feel loved. I feel insecure like I am wasting my time. Sometimes I get so angry that I talk to him crazy and treat him very bad, even though he is being nothing but nice. Any advice of help would be appreciated.
My name is Jennifer. I have read a lot of the situations on this site. It is sad to say that I feel a little relieved to know that I am not alone with my situation. Once you are in a difficult situation, you feel all alone. I have been married for three years and my husband has a one year old. He signed the papers in the hospital not giving our marriage a chance if the baby wasn’t his. He continually lied about it constantly. The baby’s mother used to call my phone while she was pregnant telling me about their situation (only when she was mad at him). Other than that, she called and played on the phone.
Anyway, the baby is here. I told my husband not to mention a baby to me ever. I told him if he decides to spend time with the baby and baby mother, we were finished. He sneaks over there and lies as if he doesn’t. I look at him and feels so much hatred. I continue to pray that my feelings for this whole situation will change. I still love my husband. It is so hard to look at him and not feel anger.
He apologized for making a mistake as if it was nothing. I don’t feel that he really meant it. I feel deep in my heart that he is still spending time with the baby’s mom. We don’t have any kids together and we both are almost 50. I love kids and I know I can love his baby. However I can’t get past his nonchalant ego and this very small town talking softly about me still being with this cheater. Please give me advice.
Jenn, I wish I could give you an answer but you described everything that I am feeling as well. It is nice to know that I am not alone. My husband constantly tells me that he asks other women for advice and they say that I am wrong and I should get over it and forgive. He thinks that I should not take it out the baby because the baby did not do anything wrong.
The baby to me represent the lies and the betrayal. My family knows about the first child but not the second child. I don’t believe the apologies nor excuses. The apologies do not feel sincere. I feel like if you do not take responsibility for your actions then you will repeat them over and over again.
My heart goes out to everyone here.
My world is shattered. I have been with my husband for 21 years and we have a 19 year old son. I found out in July that my husband had an affair with a co worker and that she had his baby in January. We had what I thought was a perfect marriage; our family and friends were shocked because of his actions. He was just that guy who we thought would never cheat, and during our marriage he treated me like gold. I dont know if I should stay married or leave. It just becomes too much at times and now he will be adding his name to another child’s birth certificate, a child that I did not give birth to.
I am struggling with a similar situation. I would love to talk to you privately by email if that’s possible.
I’m so sorry Shellie, we can’t give out email addresses. Unfortunately, we’ve had some negative things that have happened as a result, so we made it a rule not to give them out –even with their permission. Sorry. Perhaps you can communicate through this web site, as long as your interchange doesn’t get too lengthy. I hope you are able to get to a better place with this horrible problem. May the Lord give you wisdom!
I understand. I just thought I could get some insight from someone who is dealing with very similar situation.
I don’t blame you. I pray you are able to find that person here, or somewhere that you would be able to relate to –someone safe, someone who can give you the insights you need. Yours is such a horrible path to travel on. I pray the best for you –that God helps to restore your smile, and give you peace –even in the midst of the storm.
My husband of 3 years has a 4 year old baby with another woman. This baby I have never met but I saw a picture of my husband with the child when the baby was 2 years old. I also saw a phone bills of constant contact between my husband and the mother. I also saw on Facebook that this women has relationships with my in-laws. My husband, when I met him, already had 2 children from previous relationships. I had 1 child from a previous relationship. Together we have 2 children therefore our family consists of 6 children. All 3 baby mommas do not financially support their children but they call me a gold digger, which pulls the husband by the nose because my daughter from a previous relationships stays with us.
I work and so does my husband. He is a good financial provider for all of us and loves me dearly. When we met, he was such a big liar. Over time he has improved and now goes to church. In our house we stay with four children, 1 from my husband; 1 from me and 2 from our marriage. Our son is the last born and the baby born from the affair is the second last born. When I discovered that my husband, who was then my boyfriend, was having an affair I decided to leave him. But upon investigating I discovered that the woman was not a victim. In fact, she confessed that she deliberately had the child because she had miscarried another man’s child. I also discovered that she has other children from two different men. These small facts -my dear husband did not know. I shared them with him -how embarrassed he was!
He confessed that when he had the affair with this woman, he was fooling around as she had a lover and had been the one to approach him. But what used was all this information because there was now a child! I was angry that he would betray me – wake up and say it was a mistake and want to marry me! The foolishness I could not understand!!! But when the child was born he was still denying that the child is his and had a DNA done which proved that the child was his.
He has never accepted that he was at the delivery of the child but my evidence places him there. And this is the ultimate problem with me about him. The child will be 4 years in December. He asked me once last year if he could go see the child on his own but I said, “no” because I was not comfortable with that. He said we could not go together because the woman hates me. She does that much I know. She is vindictive but my problem is that my husband secretly meets with her to see the baby. Such actions gives her false hope and they make decisions together about the child’s well being but with whose money?
I have never openly asked my husband if he could not see this woman secretly in any case I do not have the evidence that he does. Because he denies it. But common sense tells me that 4 years is a long time to support a child financially and not see the child. Also I know from the early stages that the woman used to harass him to see the child. Another thing is that the woman stays all over the country -sometimes she stays next to our town sometimes far away. So I never know when she is in or out of the country therefore I decided to stop investigating or assuming that my husband sees this woman. Because such can destroy a marriage. But the possibility of them playing happy family – is starting to bother me.
I have been praying asking God to help me to accept the child and all of my husband’s children. I’ve also been asking God to prepare me. Because I suspect that I’m not ready or have not been ready. I gather this when my husband sometimes talks about the child. I also suspect that I’m not interested simply because I have a 2 year old who keeps me busy and demands our attention. I also feel women who deliberately have children must raise them. Also from my experience of being a step mother to our first born son – I have learnt that you must no be too eager to embrace another woman’s child who is bitter. Because they manipulate the child and you get scrutinized for every single thing. The mother does not do anything for my step-son but I am monster-mom and yet I parent the child 100%.
I’ve also learnt that some people are jealous. All these women that I am talking about have other children after the kids they have had with my husband but they are still holding on and gossiping to my in laws about me. They still manipulate their children in order to spite me. So you can’t win. But my focus is not the affair child. I think I need to be involved, speedy up my readiness. My husband indicated that he is not ready to introduce the child to our children. I can understand our daughter is quite sensitive. But surely the 2 of us can meet the mother instead of him meeting her alone. So my question is -what prayer must I pray so that the baby’s momma can stop being vindictive, trying to lure my husband with the child and give up on my husband and walk away for good? What prayer can I pray so that they can stop making decisions together and excluding me in the child’s life? What prayer can I pray to prepare for this conversation with my husband?
How do I accept a child made with another woman? I just can’t accept the child and as it is I gave my husband a ultimatum as to no contact with that “thing” born. How do I deal with my anger, pain, betrayal and humiliation?
My husband had an affair with his 19 year old secretary. The girl was a jealous venomous nightmare after breaking off the affair (supposedly). She had my husband’s 3rd child. We have 2 together. He went behind my back and met the baby 3 times before she made sure to tell me how he was lying again and sent me his text. It has been 3 months and he lets me check his phone but I think he is still hiding something. I am at my complete wits end of what to do. I want to take my children and run away but I can’t and I can’t trust him to care for a 3 and 6 year old and possibly put them with that toxic women as well. But how can I stay with him? And if I do… Do I lie to my children for there whole loves about a possible sibling?
I can’t allow the child to be integrated into our family because one, my husband will take that as he can have his cake and eat it too and I know he would start the affair up again. It’s easier for him to make everyone happy for that moment he has to deal with them. Also I would be telling my children it’s ok to have an affair with a younger women and betray your family.
I hate him; he betrayed me, he betrayed my children, and he has put me in a position where I feel like I have to choose between my life and my children’s safety and happiness. How will they ever grow up to have any kind of real positive relationship? If my children were older this would all be different. I would have left him in a heart beat. How do I stay and keep my sanity? Its been 3 months and I don’t think I can do this anymore. I want my life back. So does that mean I lose my kids part time? Does that mean I failed them?
Hello Jamie. My husband, well ex now, has a child with his ex-girlfriend. The child is 2 weeks old. He divorced me this past August due to the fact of running from punishment of his adultery. I’ve cried, prayed and cried. I’ve listened to sermons on YouTube by TD Jake’s and other preachers. They are my daily meal. I wake up listening to them and sleep listening to them as well.
Get a church and seek counseling from a pastor. Find a friend you can talk and vent to. You don’t need to hold this anger in because it can make you bitter. Love on your kids. Be healthy for your kids. Take them to a church that has a strong kids ministry. Teach them the word of God as you learn so they won’t make the same mistakes in their marriage. Allow God to lead you regarding your marriage. Whatever way He directs you, He will be there to take care of you.
My ex-husband regrets lying with her. He doesn’t want to be with her. He is tormented by this mistake he has caused to his entire family. For he knows this he will have to reap. As long as I know God is for me, no one in this world can come against me. I pray my advice has helped you. May God give you peace and reveal himself more to you like He has done me. Be at rest my friend. I’m here if you need to talk.
Jamie, I agree with Kimberly and will pray for you: Oh Father, Be with Jamie in a very real way right now. Help her to be still in her life, and to know that You are her God. Draw her close and wrap Your love around her life to bring her Your peace and calm. Help her to find rest in Your Presence. Give her wisdom… Your wisdom… Your heart… to know what You would have her to do. Help her to fall deeply in love with You during this painful time… knowing You as her Heavenly Father in a deeper way than ever before. And be with her children… keep them safe and bless them richly. Do not allow their spirits to be harmed through this. I bring these requests to You in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus, Amen!
My husband and I have been married 13 years. We had a blended family of his child, and my child and then we had a child. However, we’ve been separated almost 4 years and no contact for about a year now. A year after we initially separated he started a relationship with a woman and had 2 kids (2 yr old and 9 month old). Now he has realized that he still loves me, wears our wedding ring on his right hand and left her and is living alone for the past 4 months. Both of us aren’t sure what to do. We are still legally married but if love enough to get through some of these huge issues? I dont know if i could accept these other 2 kids. My head is swirling and consuming me on where to do with this.
My husband had a child from an affair over 13 years ago. I have not and can not get over this. I know I should leave because this is bothering me so much but I love my family when this boy is not in the picture. His mother is an alcoholic, and looks for pity from my husband, money and advice. I resent the boy for his parents actions. I hate to say this, but I hate hearing his name and seeing him in my home. Advice is much needed.
Need guiadance. My husband of 12 years had an affair. He is 42 and she was 24. She is now pregnant with their child and due March 2017. After leaving my husband for four months we decided to work things out. Now I am having major issues trying to deal with the baby that’s coming. I have so many emotions and feelings I feel like I’m a bad person for some of the ways I feel. Is it possible for us to get through this? At times I feel like there is and other times I have doubts. Thank you!
Me and my sister (we are 40 and 43) are a result of an affair my mother had with a married man. He already had 3 kids with his wife. We are adults and his oldest child (my sister who is 18 years older than me) hates us and has never accepted us. His wife and other 2 kids have but I am sure they have said things about me and my sister. We have always had two families and it’s always been odd but we are used to it. We are also used to looks and whispers. It’s a shame but that’s what happens when society realizes what you are a result of adultery. In the 70’s I am sure this was a big deal and it was talked about but with my dad not being here anymore (he passed 20 years ago) it makes relationships estranged especially when we have nieces and nephews that we don’t even know. We also have a whole other family that we really never knew.
Jen, I am dealing with the recent revelation of my wife’s 4 yr affair and the fact that our only daughter (3.5y) is not actually mine as I had thought since her birth. In addition to trying to figure out where our marriage stands, I am struggling with what is best for my daughter. I love her regardless and want to remain in her life (married or not). But I want to do what is best for her, both now and later.
We have discussed leaving things as is (I’ll be the presumed father and stay listed on her birth cert). Then we would mutually decide in the future when to tell her the truth (whether we divorce or not). I’m concerned when is the best time to tell her (I think not till 18+) and whether she will hate us for lying to her for years. My wife has said her affair partner does not know the child is his and she will not tell him.
I’m also unsure if this is the right way to deal with this. I don’t like the idea of basically lying through deception to my daughter, but I also want to do what is best for her childhood. I’m the only father she knows and I don’t want to disrupt her childhood any more than necessary (divorce will be hard enough). I also don’t want to give up my rights, but I struggle with her right to know her biological father (even though she is too young now to understand this). If we tell her father, he can file for rights and I could lose mine in that situation.
I’m devastated by this situation and pray daily for strength and guidance. Looking for input regarding informing the child? Thanks.
Tred, Here are my thoughts: Ask yourself why you would want to put your marriage relationship and your relationship with your daughter and your daughter’s emotional well-being at risk in an effort to provide full disclosure of all that has happened? Our human nature is sometimes to want to place ourselves above others who have stumbled and failed in their life. But we must remember that we all have equally failed and fallen short in our lives. Remember the account of Jesus speaking with the adulterous woman? Many wanted to stone her to death, but none were righteous to throw the first stone. And His words to her were not “Go and tell everyone what you have done!”, but instead were “Go and sin no more.” I would caution you against sharing all of this situation with your daughter, because there is no positive reason for doing so (other than “telling the truth”) and it can alter the course of her emotional life in a very negative way for many years. I would suggest that offering forgiveness and grace to your wife is the best path towards healing and restoration. I will be praying for you and your wife and your daughter. May your marriage relationship be healed and restored!
Thank you for the love and understanding and feeling of not alone or judgment from this page.
My husband and I have been married 13 years we have three children. three years ago we separated due to thoughts of an affair he assured me never happened, however now has resulted in a child only four months older than our two year old daughter. Yes, there is tremendous pain but I am doing my best to cope and guid to best of my abilities. I hold no anger for the child; I have defended him throughout since I found out. My husband and I are at this time separated and he says he’s found God in his life but I am sure he has not been honest with me about the affair. I am not someone who can hold anger or resentment; it’s not my nature but what I am struggling with is honesty.
I know people make mistakes and deserve forgiveness and chance to make amends and I can with all heart, love and help raise this child as my own with no anger or malice but can I trust and believe in my husband again? I know that vows are sacred and to be honored and I know that God guides us in many ways. My question is that is God trying to guid me away from dishonesty and unfaithfullbess or is he strengthing me and using my heart to be in this child’s life for a greater purposes? And is that only in marriage for I know that I can still possibly be involved with this child even if we are divorced? There are many questions … do I remain married and try to rebuild or do I go and hope to be able to make a difference in the lives that are now and forever connected?
I’m really hurt by the fact that my husband, after having 3 children with me, had an affair with his blood sister. She is pregnant and claims is his child. I have been trying to find my faith in God but sometimes I cry to the fact that I don’t want them to have a child together hoping it’s someone else’ would heal my heart. Please God, help. When I went to church the preacher without knowing this embarrassing situation in our marriage told us there is not going to be a third party in your relationship. Please God, I trust in you to heal this pain completely.
My mom had an affair and has tried to hide it for 45yrs even claiming my little brother was actually my fathers. It has affected our entire family for years, growing up as Christians. We have all struggled with this especially the part about living a lie and secrets while forcing Christianity on us growing up, most of the family has turned away from church. Most people call it hypocrisy acting one way then being opposite. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. How do you deal with that?
The situation where a child is born out of adulterous behaviors with a married man or woman destroys trust and it is betrayal between the married people until God calls the two. It is a situation likened to a bitter pill that is difficult to swallow. The presence of the baby gives everlasting memories of a cheating husband. It will be like the husband cheats everyday. Remember that when a husband is into adulterous acts there will not be joy in the marriage. The results of the causes of the lack of joy experienced in the home during the acts of adulterous will now be seen(a baby) in real-life and to be considered part of the family,it is really tough…! Oh God forbid. It will be worse when one partner never cheated. It will be so hurting and unbearable. May the Almighty grant people the serenity to accept the situations that they cannot change. AMEN.
Thank you for prayers…it is very hard for me to realize that the man I loved and trusted could have an affair and now even harder knowing there’s a child the same age as our youngest. I can’t understand it all; never have I ever had even a thought of anyone else let alone to hurt him like that. Lord please give me the strength and courage to stand through the struggles that lay before me to not let it change my heart and give me the ability to continue throughout my life and the lives of our children (his child from affair included) to raise love and guide them and may they never feel the repercussions of another’s mistakes. I know this child is here for a purpose and is God’s will and may he grant me the love and knowledge to make a difference in the child’s life with love compassion and understanding.