When we think of pornography and cybersex, we often think of men being caught up into it, rather than women. But actually, that’s not always the case. 34% of Today’s Christian Woman’s online newsletter admitted to intentionally going to a web site that was pornographic. It’s her dirty little porn secret.
Some of them said it was to so they could better “understand” their husband’s lure to such a thing. Truly? Some said they were trying to “help” their sex life with their spouse. Truly? But a good amount of them actually admitted that they were caught up in the lure of it all.
It’s a “dirty little secret” that most women, who claim to be followers of Christ, wouldn’t admit to. And if they did, it would probably be minimized, perhaps with humor, in some way.
But, is it any less wrong for a woman to view someone in a provocative pose (who isn’t her husband) than it is for a man to view someone unclothed (who isn’t his wife) in a provocative pose? Wouldn’t that be called a “double standard” if women justify it as being okay for them, but not for their husbands?
Dirty Little Porn Secret?
To answer these questions and begin this journey of exploring this subject further, we refer you to an article we encourage you to read, written by Ramona Richards:
Concerning this “dirty little secret” where women are purposely exposing themselves to naked images of men, I’m reminded of something that Tim Gardner wrote in his book, Sacred Sex
“Professors Dolf Zillman of Indiana University and Jennings Bryant of the University of Houston have found that repeated exposure to pornography results in a decreased satisfaction with one’s sexual partner, with the partner’s sexuality, with the partner’s sexual curiosity, a decrease in the valuation of faithfulness and a major increase in the importance of sex without attachment.
“All of us, men and women alike, are affected by what we let our minds dwell on. If our mental representation of who is having ‘great sex’ stems from romance novels, movies, or soap operas, we’ll by handicapped by a warped view. If we allow our minds to dwell on jokes, magazine surveys, or water-cooler conversations that deal with sex as an impersonal physical experience, we’ll never seek the oneness nor experience the freedom that sexual intimacy was designed to provide. Yet, if we use our brainpower to form a critical picture of our spouses, our marriages, or our mating practices, we are, in fact, violating the sanctity of our God-created oneness. And we are robbing our mates and ourselves of the grace of holy sex.”
Normal Curiosity?
What may seem like “normal” curiosity, eventually causes damage to the marriage. Most people are not aware of this fact. How horribly sad.
Pertaining to this same issue, Lori Byerly, on The-generous-wife.com web site, wrote some great insights. She compared it to a friend she knew who used drugs to escape stress. Sure, her friend was able to experience a real “high” where it felt good when he used them. He was able to escape his problems for a while. But afterward, his same problems were waiting for him. Plus, there were consequences. And the same is true (as you read above) of escaping into erotica. Lori wrote:
“The problem is that reading erotic novels is like eating Twinkies to stop your hunger. It’s sweet, and gives you a sugar high. It makes good food taste bland. Plus, it doesn’t give your body the nutrition it needs and all you do is crave more sugar, more Twinkies. The long term results are cavities, extra weight, and a host of health problems.”
Please pray and read Lori’s article for added insight:
A Porn Secret: Escaping
Additionally, on this issue of using and “escaping” into porn, I am in full agreement with what Julie Silbert wrote:
“My heart grieves over how decimated the landscape is with what are marketed as shortcuts to authentic sexual intimacy. One need not look far for quick fixes to the disrepair that many couples have allowed. And even fostered it caused problems in their own marriage bed.
“Do we really believe that indescribable sexual encounters within a marriage can only be reached through questionable techniques and philosophies? Have we truly lost sight of God’s gift of sex?
“It’s not that I’m against spicing things up. Hey, if anyone is a champion for hot passionate sex, it’s me. What I’m against is choosing paths that short-circuit building a foundation of sexual vulnerability and connection that glorifies God.
“The Apostle Paul warned about false prophets cleverly taking what is horrific and packaging it as righteousness. Paul further emphasizes his point when he says that even ‘…Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.‘ (2 Corinthians 11:14)”
“As Christians, we need to have a discerning heart and mind.”
I encourage you to read Julie’s Intimacyinmarriage.com article in its entirety (along with other articles she provided below it):
• FIFTY SHADES OF GREAT SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND
The Porn Secret on Viewing Images
When it comes to viewing images of men that aren’t our husbands, we need to use our brains to know this isn’t what is “noble, right, pure… or praise worthy,” that we are told in the Bible to focus on (see Philippians 4:8-9). It taints that, which can be SO GOOD (as well as great).
The point is, my husband’s body is mine to enjoy. And mine is for my husband to enjoy (see: 1 Corinthians 7:4). In the same way, your husband’s body is for you, but no one else’s. Just because images are available and because they are tempting and because others say it’s okay, doesn’t mean it is something we’re to indulge in. As we’re told in Romans 12:2:
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —His good, pleasing and perfect will.“
So, look for ways to enjoy making love to your husband. However, you must leave any other man out of your love life as it pertains to images, text, or otherwise. That is because:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. For God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4)
In Closing Concerning Her Porn Secret
I’d like to close with two last statements for you to prayerfully consider. This first one is written by Joshua Harris, from his book, Sex Is Not the Problem
“Some people have the mistaken notion that God is anti-sex. In fact, He’s outspokenly pro-sex! He invented it. What an incredible thought! Passionate sex was God’s idea. He isn’t embarrassed by it. Song of Songs is an entire book in the Bible dedicated to celebrating pure sex in marriage. Part of the challenge Christians face in a lust-filled world is remembering that neither sex nor sexuality is our enemy. Sex is not the problem —lust is the problem. It’s the enemy and has hijacked sexuality. We need to keep reminding ourselves that our goal is to rescue our sexuality from lust so we can experience it the way God intended.”
Lastly
And from Tim Gardner’s book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage
“I enthusiastically agree that God wants us to enjoy sex, but godly sex is so much more than just fun. And many followers of Christ are once again poised to be left behind while nonbelievers dabble in this truth. Many people outside the church are discovering that sex is much more than merely a physical act; it has a spiritual component. They are realizing that the deeper connection of sex goes far beyond simply understanding how to overcome sexual dysfunction. It goes way beyond technique and physique. This deeper dimension is experienced when we move past pleasure as a goal and instead seek intimate connection—not just with our bodies but also with our souls.
“Some are finding that when sex has a clear spiritual and emotional component, the sexual union holds a deeper meaning and therefore offers deeper pleasure. But without a relationship with the Creator through Christ and full understanding of His purposes for sex, these people fall short of the encounter of oneness that God intended for us. They miss the core truth from which all other sexual truths flow. And that truth is that sex is holy.”
Your Approach to this Porn Secret
Are you approaching it as such —that the sexual relationship is a “holy” type of fun and connection, to be enjoyed by a husband and wife exclusively with each other?
My husband and I found that when we individually started praying about our love life with each other, it’s amazing how much more we have enjoyed our times together. It’s a great gift God has given us. And we sure haven’t needed literature, movies or any other images to be involved.
I hope this is, or eventually can be true for you in your marriage.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
Postscript on the Dirty Little Porn Secret:
If you are a woman who is having a difficult time quitting the habit of viewing pornography or feel disconnected from God because of your past use, there is hope. You don’t have to be a prisoner to this porn secret. At one point Alice Taylor felt the same way. Here’s a portion of what she wrote:
“I felt like I had two personalities. In public, I was a Christian girl. In private, I was destroyed by my inner turmoil and insatiable sexual desire. This dichotomy tore me apart. This dichotomy tore me apart. I felt like I had more secrets and shame than humanity within me. Plus, I felt completely drained of my femininity and worth. I desperately wanted to believe what the Bible said about me that I was loved and had value, but my shame had a louder voice. My pornography addiction felt as if it had completely won. It controlled me. And I hated myself for that. I believed God probably hated me too. How could he forgive me? How could my friends and those I ministered to forgive me? I was a lost cause.”
You can read more of Alice’s testimony and how she found God’s healing grace and healing:
• I WAS THE CHRISTIAN GIRL ADDICTED TO PORN
Lastly, the following is a link to an article written by Jennifer Harris, where she discusses this same issue. It’s a compelling article; I recommend that you read:
• FINDING GOD AFTER PORNOGRAPHY
If you have a marriage tip on this issue you’d like to share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Pornography and Cybersex
(USA) I never looked at pornography as an ‘addiction’… but that’s exactly what it is. My first exposure to pornography: I was 7 months pregnant living together unmarried with my boyfriend. I woke up and went to make breakfast as usual and came out to see him masturbating to internet porn. I was absolutely devastated and his reaction was not helpful to console me. I passed it off as prego emotions out of whack… yet knew I felt completely rejected and alone. I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.
My desire to find the truth led me to search internet history, and I found many many porn videos on the computer he had saved. In my search to find what was to me, a hidden secret and betrayal, I wanted to see what was missing in our sex life that was so interesting to my boyfriend. It’s very confusing and just plain wrong on all sides. Yet, I eventually would become aroused looking at the images and trying to ‘be’ the kind of woman for my boyfriend that he turned to all too often. We have been together 7 years, our child is almost 6, and we remain unmarried.
He always continued to justify the pornography saying it isn’t cheating, and I should be okay with it. Instead it made me feel worthless. I made a ‘fake’ personal ad and posted a picture of a model after I found him posting personal ads on craigslist and other dating sites. He responded and wanted to meet ‘me’ (fake girl) and sent nude pics of himself! I followed that event by confronting him. He was defensive to his actions and again devastated me. I responded by going to a bar and having a one night stand with a surfer guy (don’t even remember his name). I began looking at porn online, posting on websites pictures of myself for the attention of men, and wasting precious time everyday on worthless things.
After a fight one evening he hit me and I left the next day. After months of talking and agreeing to reconcile – I came back and saw his emails up with more postings of him nude, seeking submissive females to ‘train’ to perform sexual acts, and worse! I responded deeply hurt by drinking every night and having several one night stands. The cycle is viscous and him putting the blame on me hurt even more.
I’m today seeking freedom and accountability with GOD the healer of ALL sins. I hate that I have sinned against myself, family, God and I didn’t seek help years ago. Innocent porn almost always leads to more than just porn. Stop now and seek help! You are cherished and loved and pure – do not settle for less. I feel sorry for the men in women in porn videos, how lost and numb they must be.
(USA) It’s true. And sadly the statistics are slowly proving it. I’m guessing even more (Christian) woman than that are admitting it.
I’m a married woman (of 10 yrs) & a mom, and I too was allured into the curiosity that had me wondering what it was about “them” that my husband found so attractive. My husband was hooked on porn since we were married (and I found out afterwards, even before we’d married). I had repeatedly caught him looking at Internet porn, and I repeatedly witnessed him always going back to this sin. It was a vicious cycle. He’d ask for forgiveness, say he’d never do it again, I’d forgive him; we’d have a great 2-3 months and he’d be back at it again. That’s when I thought maybe if I could look just a little bit more like them… he would find me more appealing than those girls. And regrettably, my looking turned into lusting, which in turn turned into an emotional affair – with a woman. I knew I was way far gone when this all happened. I planned to ‘meet up’ with this lesbian but thankfully never did in the end.
So, I thought that maybe if I just gave my husband more sex than usual, he would stop the porn. But he continued. This made me feel so unattractive and all of this was far too much for me to handle. I contacted an unmarried ‘old flame’ who had been deeply in love with me prior to my marriage. But His advice astonished me. He told me to seek help from the older women in my church who were closest to me & for my husband & I to get marriage councilling. I told my husband about the contact I had made w/ this guy, and he was broken. I also told him that I too was now caught up in the trashy garbage on the Internet; and this broke him even more. But, because I had always witnessed him go back to his sin, no matter what I said or did in the past to try to keep him away, I felt this time was probably no different.
Then I thought to explain to him why I was choosing to stop. I told him that I felt that I was exalting myself above my husband, my children, my family, my church, and God. I was in essence saying that my needs (sexual desires) were more important than anyone in my life or anything else. Sexual sin is being selfish at it’s worst. And I was not willing to throw away my salvation, the health & well being of our children and my own life in order to gratify my impure sexual desires. The consequences were too great. So I vowed to myself to love God, rather than to love my sin more than God. Somehow, this got to him. We’ve had a few stumbles along the course of the past 5 yrs, but nothing like before. We’ve both strived for purity, of mind and body. He read the book “Every man’s weakness” and vows that it changed his life forever. The trust & purity have been restored to our marriage and we’ve vowed to God & each other to make the right moral choices everyday, for the rest of our natural lives… and to live life with Eternity in our hearts & minds.
“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ living in me: and that life which I now live in the flesh I live in faith, the faith which is in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me”. ASV Galatians 2:20
(USA) All I can say is this has been eye opening for me. I teaching a Sunday School class entittled ‘Lust and education’ from Proverbs 2:11-22.
I have found a wealth of information, especially on this site. The body of Christ, sad to say, is hurting. If you hurt my brother/sister then I hurt too. This has caused me to take a closer look at me.
(USA) Thank you for this post and for including me! This really is a problem in our society for men and women. Those of you that have commented with your stories have personally touched me. What heartache this type of sin brings about! Thank you for speaking on such an important issue, Marriage Missions!
Hi Erin, Thanks! We really appreciate your article — it’s well thought out and thought-provoking. And we love your web site and the mission you are on to help marriages. You’re doing a great job! Blessings to you and your husband and your ministry!
(NIGERIA) I started going to porn sites out of curiosity. I wanted to know what it was that got people so interested in it. It was meant to be a “one time only” thing, but before I knew it, I was looking for excuses to visit the sites. Each time, I ask God to forgive me for this sin, but then I would find myself going back. It has been a couple of weeks since I last opened any of the sites, and I am trusting God for the grace to completely stay away from it. My husband does not know about this.
Great article, to my recollection I stumbled onto pornography in my late teens on television and was intrigued by it joined and engaged in pleasures from sight on television. It’s the only reason I can think of why I got into it. I stopped, and returned to pornography after I stumbled on it via the internet a few years later. I got married mid twenties and was fulfilled sexually, but got violated by my husband and also his affairs. I’m assuming that drew me back to a world of pornography.
I was married to a man who kind of threw me into ways that was unhealthy to cope. This was my secret; nobody really knew that part of me. Why should they, right? Except to know it may an integral part of my journey of self discovery. I’ve since learned in the last few years this is a reminder of my childhood. I’m in counseling/therapy and have come into an understanding about this. I have a long story about how I stopped that I don’t care to go into on this website. Although, the temptation is there and I have had setbacks a couple of time, but for the most part I’m not addicted like before.
My stance on it in the context of this website is for you in a committed relationship or marriage. It is wrong if it takes away from the couple or marriage. As a Christian it is wrong, unless you two are using it to enhance the relationship and are totally okay with yourselves to handle it. If you feel this is sinful then I guess you and God need to discuss.
Sorry, my English sentence structure isn’t that great. I’m a little young due to my condition. I’m still very much filled with shame and guilt on this part of my story. Hopefully, I said something to help.