It’s amazing how we can be married ten, twenty, thirty, forty, or even fifty plus years and still find there is much we don’t know about each other. Some experts say it’s because we’ve lost the art of conversation. Others say it’s because we don’t allow it to continue after we marry. We allow everyday living to separate and distance us instead.
Whatever the case, it’s none-the-less important to keep the lines of communication and conversation open. That way you grow together rather than apart. Don’t allow yourself to get into the situation like Pat Williams describes:
“The trouble in our marriage wasn’t infidelity, it was fidelity with fatigue, a marriage gone soft and sour due to lack of attention. It was the lack of communication that nearly killed us.”
Be Intentional in Conversation.
Look, find, figure out, MAKE the time to converse and connect with each other in meaningful ways.
“Dialog is to love what blood is to the body.”
So, to help you in this mission for your marriage, we have provided some “Conversation Starters” from various resources to help you get started.
Keep in mind that these questions are not meant to cause division between you. They are meant to help you to better understand and know each other. If the conversation starts to go in a negative direction, stop and start again. If you need to revisit a particular question at another time to bridge your differences, then set a time to do so. But aim to do it in a way that is respectful of each other’s character and feelings.
During this time, however, keep the conversation going in a less confrontational direction.
Below you will find a sampling of several questions from the book titled, Creative Conversational Starters for Couples written by Robert and Pamela Crosby, published by Honor Books. Unfortunately, it is no longer being published so you will have to find it used.
During your time together ask each other as many of the questions below as you decide to do at one sitting. (You can ask additional questions during other times you set aside.)
Conversation Questions to Ask:
• If you could store up only one hour’s worth of memory in your mind, which hour of our marriage would you want to remember?
• If you could have witnessed any biblical event, which one would you choose?
• When do you feel most loved?
• Which strengths in your life bring you the greatest satisfaction?
• What is the best way for me to encourage you?
• What time of day is best for us to talk?
• If we could just drop what we’re doing and go do something fun, what would it be?
• What is one of the most adventurous things you’ve ever done?
• In your opinion, what makes a great parent?
• What are five essential values we want our children to embrace above all others?
• What can we do as a couple to change the world in which we live?
• And what goals would you like us to accomplish in our marriage in the next year? … five years? … ten years?
Below are several questions from the book 201 Great Questions, written by Jerry Jones, published by NavPress.
For your time together, ask the following questions:
• What is your earliest memory?
• If you could live in any other time period, past or future, what period would you choose? Why?
• What movie or television program have you seen in the last year that you wish all your friends could see?
• If someone gave you enough money to start a business of your own, what kind of business would you start?
• If you didn’t have to worry about making a living, what would you most like to do for the rest of your life?
• When making decisions, do you put more trust in facts or in feelings? Are you pleased with most of your decisions?
• What do you consider to be your greatest strengths? Your greatest weaknesses?
• What is usually the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about God?
• Whose marriage do you most consider to be the model marriage? And what is it about their marriage that you most admire?
• What would you most like people to remember you for after you die?
• What are the five things you are most thankful for in your life right now? In particular, what are some of the things you do to show this thankfulness?
• Whose marriage do you most consider to be a model marriage? What is it about their marriage that you
• Has there been a time in the past year or two when God seemed especially real or close to you? If so, explain.
And then below, you will find a few sample questions from the book, “Now We’re Talking!” (Unfortunately, this book, written by Robert and Pamela Crosby is no longer being published. Hopefully you can find it in a used bookstore.)
More Questions:
• What’s the best book you’ve read recently? Tell me about it. What did you like about it?
• Which holiday do you enjoy the most? Why that one?
• If you could possess any extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would you choose?
• If you could bring any former leader from the past back to run our country today, who would it be?
• What makes a married relationship distinctively Christian? How is a Christian couple different from a non-Christian one?
• In what ways do you think the marriages of our parents affect the marriage you & I share today? Be honest with me.
• Are there times when a disagreement needs to be postponed? If so, when? How can we discern those kinds of times?
• When have you felt the most loved by me?
• What fears do you wrestle with the most? How do you manage them?
• What practical steps can we take as a couple to “affair-proof” our marriage?
• With so many marriages falling apart around us today, what steps can you and I take to ensure that we stay close as a couple, emotionally and spiritually?
For additional questions you can use as conversation starters as a married couple, please click onto the web site links provided below:
• 30 WAYS TO START CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE
• THE 25 BEST CONVERSATION STARTERS FOR MARRIAGE COUPLES
— ALSO —
• 50 CONVERSATIONAL STARTERS FOR COUPLES
And then below are questions that are recommended to ask each other every year:
• 10 QUESTIONS Every Woman Should Ask Her Husband Every Year
• 10 QUESTIONS Every Husband Should Ask His Wife Annually
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions put this resource together.
Filed under: Communication Tools
Those are good, but kind of too therapistie. What about good conversations for long term married couples? We can only do so much of the, when I look at you I see…
Noreen, That is the challenge that my wife and I have also. We can easily become consumed with family issues and ministry and other tasks of life, and when we sit down to talk, those are the typical topics of our conversations. When we look for other conversation topics, we end up feeling like you, that the topics are too simplistic and surface-level. The challenge seems to be how to take some of these suggested conversation starters, and take them to a deeper level. For example, you could take a question like “When do you feel most loved?” and change it into something deeper like “I’ve had something on my mind for awhile that I want to share with you. I’ve been craving a deeper relationship with you and I really would like to learn how to better connect with you and better serve you in life. And a part of that is to learn how to better love you. So, I have a question for you: When are the times in life that you feel most loved by me? And, are there things that I could do for you that would make you feel more loved? I would love to hear what’s on your heart!”
Another suggestion is that sometimes we read a book together or do a DVD Bible-based study together. There are many great ones out there by folks such as: Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage, Cherish), Chip Ingram (Experiencing God’s Dream for Your Marriage), Les & Leslie Parrott (Love Talk), Emerson Eggerichs (Love & Respect), Gary Smalley, Greg & Erin Smalley, and others. You can also check out Focus on the Family, and Family Life for more ideas. Many blessings to you!
Now if only my guy would answer ANY of these questions with something other than, “I don’t know.”
Gordian, As crazy as it might seem, “I don’t know” is a typical answer from many of us guys. Mark Gungor is a Christian comedian who talks about the differences between the brains of men and women. He describes us men as having a “nothing box” in our brain. It’s true. As crazy as it sounds, we can literally be thinking about nothing for long periods of time. It is out of our “nothing box” that our “I don’t know” answers flow. “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” are often my first answers, until I’ve had some time to think about the question and figure out what my answer really should be.
If my wife allows me some time to think about the question before I need to answer, that often helps. And sometimes she will give me some options to choose from as an answer. That helps also. You might try giving your husband more time to ponder the question, and then give him some options to choose from, and see if either change will cause him to respond with more depth.
Mark Gungor is the speaker and creator of “Laugh your way to a better marriage” and watching the episode of “men’s brains, women’s brains” helped save my marriage. He helped me understand about “the nothing box” in the man’s brain which has made me more patient with my husband of 32 years, and also made me realize that focusing on one thing at a time is best with the male brain!
I am an LCSW in NJ and love this site. It provides me with great resources to work with my couples.
Thank you Karen, that is most kind of you to let us know this. We have a lot of counselors and therapists that use this web site. I pray it will be most helpful for the couples who are under your care and guidance. God bless.
These are a lot of fun and many would be useful in other contexts as well. Great list!
https://loversplanet.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/
What do you do when you attempt conversations with your spouse but are met with either a very brief answer or a simple “I don’t know”? Sometimes, even met with a sense of annoyance and being dismissed. When gently pushed and encouraged for an expansion on the response, I get more of the same. It makes it difficult to get to know him on a deeper level. Are there ways I can get him to open up more?
Ren, I’m not sure if this will work or not, but this is what comes to mind. How about trying “side-by-side” types of conversations? Here’s a little bit of insight into this: Graham Chastney says this about it: “I was out for a walk with a friend the other day; as we walked and talked my friend said something along the lines of: ‘The conversation always flows much better when you are on a walk.’ I agreed wholeheartedly. There’s a phrase that I use, which is a quote from someone but I don’t know who: ‘Women talk face-to-face; men talk side-by-side.’ This isn’t a rule, but more of an axiom that I see playing out regularly. What better way to be side-by-side than to go for a walk?”
An article posted by the Marriage Dynamic Institute says this about “Walking Together for a Better Marriage”: “Sociologist Harry Brod points out that men often prefer a side-by-side shoulder orientation for conversation. ‘Numerous studies have established that men are more likely to define emotional closeness as working or playing side-by-side, while women often view it as talking face-to-face.’ So walking may provide a more natural and comfortable setting for husbands to enjoy conversation with their wives. And what better reason to hit the road, or the trail together!”
They also suggest, “A twenty minute walk provides the perfect time frame for catching up with one another. You might share events from your day, relate a conversation you had with the neighbor, or touch base about a home project. Or you could use the time to check in emotionally if you’ve noticed your spouse is stressed or frustrated. All marriages benefit from regular conversation time, especially the kind of unhurried conversation you can enjoy walking together.”
Relationship coach, Alisa DiLorenzo gives this insight on this type of conversing: “Being side by side allows the two of you to still be connected but without the intimidation/fear factor of having your spouse stare at you. Intensely. Without blinking. Looking for every gesture. For some it will be a regularly scheduled time. Maybe it’s the first thing Saturday morning so that you kick off the weekend together? Or Maybe Monday nights to kick off your week. But it starts with heading out your own front door together. It doesn’t require a certain amount of time either.”
And then here’s a link to an article, that I encourage you to read, that also supports this type of conversation: https://jillsavage.org/25-conversation-starters-marriage/. You may want to try this method. Perhaps it will be a better method to open up talking together. Ask the Lord to show you when and how to do this.
Timing can be important too. Steve & Lisa Goldberg gives the following insight: “Choose together WHEN and WHERE would be best. I have a hard time focusing and listening when there are distractions around. So, Steve will make a point of asking for my full attention or for us to remove ourselves from a room in our home that distracts me. After 9 pm, Steve’s brain is pretty much checked out. That’s not a good time for me to bring up a difficult topic. Together, decide when is a good time to talk and where you will be most effective at sharing and listening.”
So, the challenge here is to become a student of your husband. See what might work to make him start to ease into having conversations with him. Start lighter, and then perhaps he will be comfortable to go deeper at some point. Just be creative. It’s important to realize that each person is different. Some spouses don’t respond to the same setting, as far as having conversations. Or maybe they need steppingstones into being comfortable with those type of conversations. It’s sure worth a try. I’m not sure if this will help, but I hope so, pray so.