Since the beginning of humankind, we have been experiencing the pull towards that, which is “forbidden.” God says, “no” to some things, and just like Eve in the Garden of Eden, we allow ourselves to entertain the question, “Did God actually say…” This is no less true as it pertains to Christians dating non-Christians —the “forbidden fruit.”
It can be tempting to go out with someone we are attracted to and think, “this one time won’t hurt.” But then the temptation arises to go out on another occasion, and then another. Each time there seems to be some good reason why we think it would be okay.
Outside the Boundaries
For some reason, when it concerns matters of the heart, we can often be swayed to wander further outside of God’s boundaries than we may on other matters. There are so very many reasons why this happens. But we need to beware. God is very serious in what He tells us concerning our “affections.” We are told in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18:
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; as God said,
‘I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Therefore go out from their midst, and be separate from them,’ says the Lord, and touch no unclean thing; then I will welcome you, and I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty.’
A Challenge to Consider
For those of you who are dating, or are tempted to date a nonbeliever, I’d like to challenge you to reconsider.
To help you in this mission I have provided links below to several thought-provoking articles and videos.
It is our hope that they will challenge the thinking of those of you who are considering, whether the person you are dating (who isn’t a Believer), could truly be “the one” you should marry.
Please prayerfully read and consider what God is saying to your heart —especially in light of the verses in 2 Corinthians 6:14-18.
The following are links that will take you to these specific articles:
• DATING NON-CHRISTIANS: Forbidden Fruits Appeal – Part 1
• DATING NON-CHRISTIANS: Forbidden Fruits Appeal – Part 2
And then below you will find another article that I encourage you to read. Here is the article where Steve Shirley gives his biblically-based answer to the question:
A Video to Watch
And then here’s something you may want to view on this issue, talked about by Pastor Tim Keller. It’s a Q&A video on the subject of “Dating a Non-Christian.” You may find this very insightful:
— PLUS —
Below is a link to a video titled, “Should a Christian Date a Non-Christian” with Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke. In it, Jefferson makes the point:
“Why would you want to date someone where it could lead to marriage —the closest human relationship you could ever have, when Jesus, who is closest to you personally, is someone they don’t share with you? … God is part of your identity —it is who you are.”
He also quotes Tim Keller (the speaker above) and says:
“When you date someone who’s not a follower of Jesus, one of two things happens. The first one is —you put God at the center and that person you’re dating is on the outskirts. You feel like you’re always separating because you’re trying to get closer to God. That is something they can’t understand. So you drift. OR you put the person at the center of your relationship and God is on the outskirts. This is because they don’t share that experience. And when you have decisions to make, it causes you to drift apart from God. It’s only when you both are followers of Jesus that you can be on this journey together.”
Jefferson Warns:
“Don’t get caught up in just looking for a Christian —someone who says he (or she) is a Christian. Look for someone who is a disciple of Jesus.”
He also warns:
“Don’t play the flirt to convert game.”
Alyssa then goes on to talk about “settling” where too often we “settle for less” because we don’t trust God enough. You can listen to what she says and he says on this, plus more.
Please Watch:
I pray this helps in some way. Please know that the person you are dating, considering dating, or even considering marrying (who is not a follower of Jesus), may be a wonderful person in many ways. However, that doesn’t mean that you should be “yoked” with him or her in the sacred relationship of marriage.
And please don’t pull a “Sarah” where you take matters in your hands because of your doubts. It might even be that you are impatient. We’re told (in Genesis 16) that Sarah did this. She decided the baby, that God promised to Abraham and to her, wasn’t going to come unless she made it happen. So she manipulated her husband to sleep with her maid servant so a baby was born. Because of Sarah’s boldness to make this “promise” happen in only the way SHE thought it could, there have been negative repercussions for many generations, to this day.
Doing the Right Thing
It may make sense to you to do things your way, but that doesn’t mean that God will bless it. If He says no, in His Word, you can believe his blessing won’t be upon it. Seek God in all things, including relationships. Go with God; it’s the only right thing to do.
I pray you make the right decision —as God would have you:
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have tips to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Single Yet Preparing
Reading this makes me ill! Not being a Christian makes me a bad person? Have I killed anyone? No. Have I hurt anyone? No. Have stolen from anyone? No. I make an honestly living. I provide and love my family just as you do. You all act like I don’t deserve to be loved. I deserve to be loved!
Religion doesn’t determine ones morals! We learned that in history as children. I hear over and over that the Christian way of life is in danger, but this article shows me that you’re threatening non Christians way of life. I have nothing against your religion, but I have a problem with people who act like they’re superior because of it. You have no right to say this about anyone based on religion. That’s all I have to say to you.
I’m so sorry that this makes you ill. That is not the intention of the article, at all. It is not meant to hurt, but to help those who are looking to marry. I wasn’t pointing a finger at you, telling you or anyone that those who don’t follow Christ are defective in being marriage partners, or that we’re superior and you’re inferior… not at all. I’m just pointing out what we’re told in the Bible about going into a partnership with someone who approaches life from a different mindset, a different spiritual vantage point that a Christ follower would want to go in their life. They look for wisdom and guidance in entirely different places, and because of that, there is a natural tug and tearing, that goes beyond normal marriage problems.
A crude comparison would be the partnership of sports teams. There are many great football players, but just because you’re a good football player, it doesn’t mean that you would be good in every team, in which you could play. There are good fits, bad fits, and better fits.
Even two Christian people can be ill-fitted for marrying each other, unless they are both essentially “on the same page” as far as their walk with the Lord. Just because someone is fun to be with, it doesn’t mean that they can make a good marital team together. If you read other articles posted within this topic, I’m hoping you will see what I mean.
A person whose heart is a follower of Christ will (or should) continually approach life from the Lord’s standpoint. Jesus will influence most of his or her decisions. Where a person who doesn’t follow Christ will have a tendency to want to go in another direction, or not see the importance of seeking God’s wisdom, which causes a tearing.
I’m not sure I’m explaining this right, but please know that this doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t be a good partner in marriage to someone with your beliefs or non-beliefs, it’s just that it works out best if you both follow the same “coach” or that you both approach life from a more compatible spiritual vantage point.
I have passed from same trauma in your saying ‘temptation’, I wished the other person receive Jesus. I didn’t marry that person. It was a hard decision. My question is – Who created The Non-believer. Am I not privileged that I am born in a Christian Family. Is it a Fault of Non-believer that he/she born in a non-christian family or pagan family? Please answer my question. Thank You.
It would take a miracle, but I have been praying for the door to my relationship to be closed if it is not blessed by God and all I hear is “keep praying, don’t give up on him.” I am tired. Please help me pray. http://marriagemiracle.org/2015/11/10/praying-for-a-non-believer/ Thank you!
I am dating a unbeliever and I love him very much. I met him during my fall from God and he has made me very happy. But now that I have found my way back to God, he’s not even willing to give Him a chance. I mean we talked about raising our children and I naturally want them to be raised in a Christian house and go to church while he wants them to wait until they are older to make that choice. But the Bible says if you train up a child correctly they will not stray from it (I’m paraphrasing here), but it sparked a heated argument that had us fighting for hours. Now recently I have been feeling anxious because I want to be with him but his no faith in God and his blasphemy towards God makes me so uncomfortable. What should I do?
I think you are so selfish. You met him when you weren’t keen on God and now you are and you want him to change too. You are not loving him but you are molding him into the perfect guy you want to be with. If you want to evangelize your partner do so by showing him the good side of Christianity (example of a godly wife) not forcing or nagging or manipulating. That was what happened to me and it left a bad taste in my mouth forever. My atheist husband did not draw me from The Lord rather was the repulsive bigotry of other Christians and the manipulative behavior of my Christian ex who drew me away from the church. If you cannot love him for himself but only for what he is I suggest you let him go, he deserves a better woman.
I was a Muslim who fell in love with a Christian man many years ago. But he stopped dating me because he felt it was wrong to date a non believer; I was confused and hurt. I began studying the Bible and attending church in hopes of getting him back. It was a long tedious process and during this time he kept away from me at the advice of his pastor.
I felt I was thrown into a foreign new world and would often weep for help from The Lord. Miraculously and ironically I had a revelation from Jesus which pulled me out of my depression and anxiety and made me whole again. But the whole experience changed me and our relationship, I found that I could not love that man anymore. How can I love someone who can only love me if I’m Christian? I left him for an atheist, ironically he loved me for who I am and never tried to change me and that gave me great comfort. The church tried to break us up so I stopped attending, it wasn’t easy for me to find such a good man and as my biological clock was ticking I couldn’t leave it till it’s too late to have kids. So we married and today I’m still a strong believer in Christ although I must admit that I still bore resentment and PTSD of that event many years ago. I pray to Lord every night to forgive my sins and take comfort that my husband is very good to me.
I am recently dating a non Christian. I hope and pray that he becomes a Christian. We make each other laugh. He thinks I am beautiful and amazing and tells me I have a funny personality but he likes that a lot. I need some help. I have read this. It’s really helpful stuff.
Be careful if anyone tells you you are beautiful, etc. There are many hypocrites and fakers in the church; they are deceitful and manipulators – wolves in sheep’s clothing coming to get nice, sweet, clean, lovely ladies and if you are rich even better for them – be on your guard! Pray, pray, and don’t do anything until you have peace.
Hi, I’m a Christian and I fell in love with someone who was once a Christian but he fell back. We love each other and we would like to be together. He said that he wants to come back to church but he is thinking of what people will say about him. My question is: Am I dating an unbeliever? Am I still against Gods will? I’m 21.
This may or may not be true, regarding being “unequally yoked” but, truly, there are TONS of reasons that relationships don’t work out and the reason detailed here is not necessarily true for everyone. Examples abound where it does work, and well. A lot depends on the dynamics of the couple, as it always does, their situation, and who they are and feel about each other in terms of love and the respect that naturally results from true love.
In my example, I’ve been an atheist for most of my life (I’m now 65) and when I say atheist I don’t mean an angry one, or one campaigning for the cause, I mean one that respects other views as long as they don’t impinge on the rights and freedom that anyone else should have (think Bill of Rights) but one for whom God never enters one’s consciousness unless a conversation is started (typically by another) on the subject and, only then, will I state my views, all applying to me only and not for anyone else. As far as I’ve been concerned, if you believe it’s true…for you and those who agree, if you don’t believe that, too, is true…for you and those who agree. And…one can always change their beliefs and views.
My Catholic fiance practices her faith and I’ve been interested in it, simply because I love her and want to feel and understand her and what she obtains from her beliefs. So, at her invitation, I go to Mass every week. Because I’m curious, I’ve asked her questions, most of which she couldn’t answer (she’s a cradle Catholic and does many of her religious rituals because she’s been doing them since a child). So, I bought recommended books and read about Catholic beliefs, most if not all the apologetics, the Catechism, and a lot more. Heck, I’ve even gone to a certified hypnotist to help me awaken my “spirituality”.
I’m glad for what I’ve learned and want more of it. I want to convert and become a believer so that we can share and grow together in this aspect. My main obstacle is my non-belief but I’ve grown even more humble about it than ever and keep my opinions to myself, trying to think positively about it all as there are many positives to Christianity (and to a lot of things in life).
So, I’m planning to join the local RCIA and continue my study (including the reading of the Bible). My fiance has told me that I now know more about her own religion than she does. But I realize that knowledge is not the major point of Catholicism, though it helps, that faith and true, internal belief in the Creed is more important.
Whether I change my view or not is not, to me, nearly as important as the lessons I’ve learned in taking joy and comfort from many of the things my fiancee loves and practices. I am totally happy and enthusiastic about praying with her, going to Mass, and seeing it all from a positive side. I even gave up atheism for Lent, meaning, thinking and acting as a Catholic and only focusing on that side of the issue of belief…really getting into the spirit of it all (you should excuse the expression).
Needless to say, my fiance is overjoyed and I love sharing as much as I can with her. She’s actually said that I’ve inspired her to be a better Catholic, go figure! :) So, it’s quite possible depending on the couple, isn’t it?
I’m in the same boat. I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and we have kids. Then I got born again and this is very very heavy on my heart. I want to be obedient. I will be. I just need to do what God expects and trust in him. Glory to God for his mercy.
I’m a Christian and I feel betrayed and hated by this article. God made me ugly and shy. As if I had a chance to ever date someone in the first place, now there’s all these rules I have to follow too? It’s hard enough finding someone who likes you without all these restrictions added to your burden.
I think it’s very unfair and cruel. For people who have a chance in life. Maybe you can live up to all of this but for those of us who were born unlovable, ugly and worthless I think it’s very unkind to be treated as rejects if you can’t follow all these hateful rules.
I once was lost but now I’m found. What we (those who are Christians) have to accept is we have to do what pleases God, not ourselves. Christianity has nothing to do with how “we” feel about a situation but soley how our father (master) feels. Now if you feel that pleasing yourself more than pleasing God is more important then continue to do what you feel. But remember if you are serving God, He knows what is best for us. More than likely we should focus on our personally relationship with Him first before we can began to focus on our physical relationship. Remember God is a jealous God, He wants NOTHING put before him. But He still loves us but prays that we seek His wisdom diligently so that we can be lead by His spirit and not our own. God bless you.
Early in the relationship, make it clear that you won’t let anyone compromise your principles. State your beliefs before the two of you get serious. Don’t assume the other person shares your beliefs.
Am at a fighting battle with my boyfriend. think it okay to still be with him at the same time.
I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying here. Are you saying that YOU think it’s okay to still be with your boyfriend, who isn’t a Christian, while you are? Or are you saying that your boyfriend thinks it is okay for you to still be with him, even though he isn’t a Christian and you are fighting with him over this? Or are you questioning whether you should still date him? No matter which way, my answer would be the same. You are walking on a very shaky bridge that spans between two worlds. There is a heartbreaking fall that will eventually happen because it’s apparent that God is convicting you, and you aren’t taking Him as seriously as you should.
Please go into the “Spiritual Matters” topic and read through the articles that concern being married to those who are not followers of Christ –being unequally yoked. What I’d especially like you to read through are the comments afterward because they are written by those who are married to unbelievers and they are paying the price, struggling daily. Most of them knew beforehand that they shouldn’t date and marry these men/women but they either ignored the red flags waving or they thought they would be the exception to the rule, and would be able to win their spouse to the Lord. Their daily struggle is now very real and very painful, especially with those who have children. Please prayerfully consider this. When God put down these standards, He meant them for many reasons we can see and others we can’t on this side of Heaven. We need to trust His judgment on this.
Love is grand and the excitement of dating and falling in love is so toxifying. But eventually the shine wears off… it ALWAYS does. And then there is a real fight going on daily to make things work –where before it didn’t seem like it would be that significant of a deal. It IS! It’s a BIG deal! Please realize that. You are playing with fire and you WILL get burned. The question is whether you will be burned a lot by breaking up, or being burned even more by continuing on and entangling your heart even more. There is a difference between going into something completely blind and/or something you had no control over (like coming to the Lord AFTER marriage, and now facing a different type of battle) and going in anyway thinking it would all work out. There IS a price to pay for ignoring red flags. I just want to warn you of that. I pray you open your eyes and run away from going in a direction outside of God’s Word and His way. You are precious in the Lord’s sight as His child. Please don’t rebel and think He won’t discipline you and/or you won’t pay a high price as a consequence of your rebellion. You will, and I hope to spare you that.
I have been divorced 3 times and 2 of those marriages were to Christians and they were the worst – one was physically abusive and the other emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive.
I am now 5 years since the last divorce and through a good friend I met a very nice man – he was raised in the Christian Faith as a Catholic he is a complete gentleman in every way. I have invited him to church; he said yes but then changed his mind. I have told him my personal experience with Jesus. I don’t want to push it but I’m worried the deeper I get into this how will I get out if he doesn’t become a Christian? For me he is refreshing – he is honest and not a faking hypocrite like my “Christian” husbands. I want to be fair and just to him but I know I need a Christian to be totally happy.
I recently met a guy who is Christian, and we got on the topic of religion. (I’ve considered myself agnostic, as I was never raised with religion, but am not an atheist.) Even before this conversation, Christianity was on my mind, and I was considering attending a sermon (for the first time), so I said yes when he asked if I would like to go with him.
He is a strong believer in Christ, and follows this in his life. He broke up with his last girlfriend in big part because they were going too far physically, and it didn’t align with his relationship with God. In any case, I’m definitely not immediately converting to Christianity, but am seriously considering Christianity. However, I’m struggling to make sure I’m doing so for the right reasons (AKA not for this guy), and if I should even attempt to pursue this relationship when faith is a huge part of his life, and even if I were to become a Christian I would have a rather liberal interpretation of the bible. Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Hannah, I’m proud of you for approaching this issue the way you are. You’re looking into being a Christ follower on your own–not to satisfy this guy, or anyone else. That is so wise. If you came to Christ to satisfy a person, then God would be a side issue, not one-on-one with God through Jesus Christ, as it should be. This guy may be able to give you some good info, but you are wise not to do this for him, but for you. From what I perceive in what you wrote, God is drawing you to Himself. The fact that Christianity was on your mind and you were “considering” attending a sermon, indicates He is drawing you, and letting you know He cares and wants to be in your life.
God was on my mind in little tuggings here and there before I became a Christian. Christ little by little made Himself real to me. And then one night through a particular scripture verse, it was like my eyes opened up in new ways that I had never imagined possible, and I couldn’t deny who He is. With some it is a longer journey; with others, it’s a very sudden one. I am praying for yours that the Lord will show you how incredibly much He loves you and is real.
As for “advice” we have something on the sidebar of this web site that may help you as you are “considering” this whole thing called Christianity and who Christ is to be in your life. Scroll down a bit and you will see something red and black and white that says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope? Find it Now.” Go into it and explore the links that are provided there. I believe you will find answers to some of the questions you are considering. Particularly the first link may be helpful because you can “chat live” and ask some questions.
Don’t be afraid to ask some questions. We all have them. Eventually, this becomes a faith walk to a large degree. We won’t have all of our questions answered on this side of Heaven, but you’d be surprised how many of them can be answered. Many of those that can’t be immediately, are many times eventually answered or you will find satisfaction in what is revealed to you. Seek and keep seeking. I pray it is a wonderful journey for you.
P.S. If you have some really deep questions, you may want to go to Rzim.org because their main mission is “helping the thinker believe, helping the believer think.” They have some great podcasts to listen to and such. … Just a thought :)
So, I’ve been dating a non-christian for about 6 months now. Initially, he was a Catholic, but stopped attending church and fell back to the ways of the world. Now he relies more on the fact that “seeing is believing” and that he needs to have proof that God is real and that heaven is real. And ever since I’ve met him, I’ve been praying for his eyes to be opened, so that he may see and feel Christ for who He truly is. I’ve invited him to church a few times and he seems to really enjoy it since it’s not like his previous church. He told me once that he felt a funny feeling in his stomach, a sudden uncontrollable urge when the pastor invited non believes to accept Christ. So, I know that Christ is tugging on his heart.
However, I’ve prayed for months, and taken him to church several times… and I feel that I’ve come to a plateau. I don’t know what else to do. I truly love him but I can’t marry him without going against God. And I wouldn’t dream of doing that. My mom thinks I should break up with him, but then I feel like I’m giving up on him. Without me, he wouldn’t be going to church or hearing the Word. Even if he wasn’t my boyfriend, I would still want him to have assurance of where he’s going after death. Whenever the subject of death comes up, he refuses to go in depth about it because he doesn’t know where he’s going to go after. All I can do is pray… any advice would help.